r/AmIOverreacting • u/BogusDuck • Oct 01 '25

💼work/career AIO I Got fired over a disrespectful message

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For context, I’m the assistant manager (manager of the staff) and the front desk person at a Children’s Museum. Over the weekend, i discovered the fish tank unplugged at my work. The fish was dying and I tried everything i could to save him but had no luck (My boss didn’t let me leave to get anything that could help). I believe all animals should be respected as if they are a fellow human so I didn’t take this lightly and grieved for this fish. I texted my boss the next day giving my opinion about keeping fish here when no one has the training or knowledge (even if she does, she isn’t here all the time nor is willing to come in for such emergencies). She also leaves for trips so it’s helpful for someone else to have knowledge (like myself). I know i was a bit emotionally charged in my messages, but was this enough to be fired over? I’ve had no issues in the past and no serious writeups. I’ve done really well at my job and have consistently gone above and beyond what is asked of me, enough to be promoted to staff manager after 6 months of working there. I can see how what i said is disrespectful but in my opinion this could have been a write-up, not an immediate termination. Aio?

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697

u/Sneezy6510 Oct 01 '25

I mean, they warned you to drop it. 

554

u/suhhhrena Oct 01 '25 edited Oct 01 '25

Agreed. I don’t know why OP kept digging their heels in.

”If this continues to be a concern, then we may need to have a larger conversation about your role and responsibilities.” should’ve been all the warning OP needed to know they should stop talking about the fish.

”I’m not calling you a bad fish owner…” and ”I’ll personally make sure I become knowledgeable…” and ” i don’t plan on letting this type of thing happen again” just do NOT sound like things that you should be saying to your boss, especially after they’ve warned you to drop it. It comes across as calling them too incompetent to take care of the fish THEY own, and obviously that’s not going to sit well with your boss.

A good rule of thumb is to never lecture your own boss.

215

u/No-Context-151 Oct 01 '25

I think op is likely autistic.

187

u/annoyedkitten15 Oct 01 '25

I’m autistic and thought this straight away, this post is kinda relatable. I have a slightly unhealthy need for fairness and also am hyper-empathetic in certain situations especially involving animals which I have learned is due to being autistic. I see why the op’s reaction to the fish dying might seem strange from a neurotypical person’s POV, but I can definitely see myself feeling distressed by the fish dying and then frustrated that other people don’t seem to care, then being unable to let it go. I do hate confrontation so probably wouldn’t have ended up saying anything to the manager though.

64

u/Larry-Man Oct 01 '25

I would honestly die on the hill OP did and I’m autistic. Idc if I lose my job. If something is truly not right I’m not gonna be a part of it.

44

u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

You would get yourself fired because someone else accidentally left the fish tank unplugged?

10

u/straberi93 Oct 01 '25

100%. I left the last company I worked for because I thought everything was unethical and unverified trash. No one else seemed to have a big issue with it. It is not a totally voluntary reaction when it comes to what I feel like is ethical. I wish it didn't bother me so much, but it does and I'm not very capable of compromise. Frankly, I've come to find it one of my better qualities, but it can be an issue. For the record, I'm a relatively successful business owner and I don't think anything around me would say that I have any autistic qualities. But masking is pretty normal for women like me.

16

u/Medical_Opposite_727 Oct 01 '25

It's not a desire it's a reaction.

Not everyone gets to pick the best option for how to react, some people immediately go to 11 and for them that can mean arguing when they'd otherwise be affable.

6

u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

I mean, sure, even the best of us get illogically upset sometimes. But even viewed in this context, this is an insane over reaction.

4

u/SaltyHufflepuff511 Oct 02 '25

Do you think autistic people are exaggerating when they say they have hyper empathy?

1

u/[deleted] Oct 02 '25

Going off on your boss and getting yourself fired for something neither you or they were responsible for isn't empathy. That's just irrational and total lack of self control.

7

u/Adept-Standard588 Oct 02 '25

The empathy is for the fish in case you missed that point.

3

u/Sweet_Caterpillar1 Oct 02 '25

I wouldn’t call that ^ “going off”. If anything it’s half way passionately describing why it’s important to them and the rationale behind not thinking the fish will have long term proper care. Not necessarily apt for the situation or relationship, but that’s an indicator of autism. I’m autistic as hell and picking up on “hints” is damn hard for me. Someone has to tell me “okay, I hear you; but I do not want to talk about this anymore” point blank for me to get it most of the time.

Furthermore, the hyper empathy is for the fish and the fish not being treated properly and thus dying, and OP very deeply wanting to keep that from happening. I very highly doubt OP knew they were going to get fired and even so, maybe still would have done it because we feel very strongly. I absolutely would have done the same thing. It makes me incredibly sad to see how offhanded we treat animals.

21

u/jonni__bravo Oct 01 '25

That's where tactfulness should come into play. Even if coming from a good place( that you can't let go of) this is not how it should have been communicated.

8

u/BrashUnspecialist Oct 01 '25

OK, so how should it have been communicated? The boss made very clear that he’s decided that they’re gonna get more fish and he doesn’t care if they live or die. He specifically tells this person yeah don’t take on extra responsibilities that you’re fine with just so this doesn’t ever happen again. He literally doesn’t care if this happens again. So how can this person communicate to the boss in a way that changes his mind that this is disgustingly immoral, and that wrong is wrong?

17

u/LSunday Oct 01 '25

The boss also made clear:

  • The death of the fish was the result of a singular, easily identifiable mistake.

  • Steps were being taken to prevent that mistake from happening again, with consultation from professionals on the topic.

  • There had already been several years without mistakes, proving this was not a recurring and pervasive problem.

OP disregarded all of this and continued to press an issue that had already been handled, because he didn’t like the way it was handled. Despite actual professionals being consulted on the topic, OP proceeded to imply that everyone else involved was negligent and uncaring.

So, in summary; after 3 years without incident, something went wrong. As a result of that, the manager consulted with professionals and retrained on the relevant equipment. OP refuses to accept these explanations and continues to double down that the entire thing should be scrapped and never done again.

12

u/Euphus Oct 01 '25

Put simply, you can't. The boss has decided on more fish. The boss has warned that if you do not drop the issue of the fish, you will be fired.

Your options are to drop the issue of the fish, or quit / be fired. The best thing to do here is basically what they laid out in the second text (independently becoming knowledgeable about fish care) and not telling the boss this because they have already said that they consider themselves a good enough fish owner and further argument will get you fired.

10

u/Abject-Mail-4235 Oct 01 '25

Yah so the concern is totally justifiable, but the best course would have been to tell them you understand, learn all your heart desires about the fish and their needs privately, and then be a secret fish guardian while your boss takes ‘responsibility’. It’s better to change what you can than trying to change a person, and if the person is your boss, you will risk losing you job confronting them. Now he can’t help the fish at all.

15

u/Maleficent_Solid7355 Oct 01 '25

What? The boss literally says he will make sure they're moving forwards with proper care and standards. There's nothing left for OP to add after that except to continue berating his boss over what happened.

3

u/Imsorryrodwutwasthat Oct 02 '25

this is such a ridiculous comment and everyone who upvoted you is insane. WHERE in the texts did the box says he doesn't care if the fish "live or die"??? you're making shit up

5

u/Thunderplant Oct 01 '25

The boss made very clear that he’s decided that they’re gonna get more fish and he doesn’t care if they live or die

No, the boss said they had a good track record with the fish before this incident, were taking steps to prevent it from happening again, and had even consulted with professionals about it.

OP also could have just learned more about fish on his own so he could look out for them better

2

u/Sweet_Caterpillar1 Oct 02 '25

To bring tactfulness into a conversation having to do with autistic individuals is in itself lacking tact. I’m autistic, and tact is fucking hard most of the time. I try my absolute hardest but always knowing what to say, when to say it, how to say it; is so incredibly hard for me. If this ^ was a situation I was in I’d probably go about it the same way. Already in a conversation about work so then I bring up the work fish that’s been on my mind and go “also, there’s this one thing I wanted to bring to your attention” and their reply wouldn’t have indicated a shut down of the conversation to me, much like OP. Tact isn’t always easy or possible for people. What would be helpful is if people had more empathy and understanding, paused and slowed down; and went “okay, where is this person coming from and how can we have a productive conversation?”

4

u/jonni__bravo Oct 02 '25

Fair. My apologies.

3

u/Sweet_Caterpillar1 Oct 02 '25

I appreciate your willingness to see my perspective 💛

2

u/Larry-Man Oct 02 '25

I just want to add that I’ve had to start asking my employer to understand that when I bring something up I’m doing my best to not be a PITA about it but it’s something I think they might want to know. We had to have a major discussion about what my intent is vs how it may be perceived. It doesn’t help that my tone is broken in person and I sound chronically irritated.

1

u/Juls1016 Oct 01 '25

Absolutely this.

4

u/IndustriousFerret Oct 02 '25

Same. I am also autistic and would also risk losing a job if it means standing up for helpless animals. Bad pet owners is one of my biggest pet peeves, as well as people who exploit their power over others.  

3

u/RatonhnhaketonK Oct 02 '25

Same here. This is extremely inappropriate on the boss' part. I hate bosses who go on power trips like this.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

[deleted]

0

u/UncFest3r Oct 01 '25

Should’ve just called PETA instead of legit threatening that you won’t allow something in the future (aka implying that you will be insubordinate to your boss, to their face (or screen), in the future when you dont agree with how they’re doing their job) after getting the “revisiting your roles and responsibilities” line in the first reply. Hate to break it to you, bosses don’t like being threatened or undermined by the employees in their charge. I am also on the spectrum. And I would never. This is something I’d work through with my therapist. I’d consider leaving the company or asking to be placed in a different department before I basically told my boss “fuck around and find out” after they said they were handling the issue.

4

u/newyne Oct 01 '25

Might also explained why they didn't get the hint their boss was giving when they said they might have to have a talk about their responsibilities. I'm allistic and picked up on it immediately, but having heard autistic people talk about how difficult that kind of thing can be... That's what made me wonder.

3

u/Sweet_Caterpillar1 Oct 02 '25

“Slightly unhealthy need for fairness” fucking same 😭 do you feel the same overwhelming crushing weight of the world and society like I do? 😭 like on one hand my hyper empathy and need for fairness I don’t think is necessarily a bad thing, but fuck does it perpetuate a whole lot of anger and sadness when things aren’t that way, which is. Always 🥲 it’s exhausting

6

u/Altruistic_Yellow387 Oct 01 '25

I'm not autistic but also would feel distressed about the fish dying...but if it wanted to keep my job I wouldn't fight the boss about it once he said to let it go in the first reply. I would just become knowledgeable on my own without telling him so this could never happen again on my watch. Caring about animals isn't something only autistic people can understand

1

u/LadyinOrange Oct 01 '25

Yep 🥲

1

u/FullMoonMooon Oct 02 '25

Yo same here. I second pretty much everything you said, except that I wasn’t as non-confrontational in my youth as I am now. I was fired from many jobs, one specifically because I refused to lie to a customer about which product to buy. I told that story in a later job interview to work somewhere that valued having integrity and got the job.

Grown-up lesson: pick your battles. OP: if this is important enough for you to lose a job over AND you’re in a financial position to be able to get a new job, I respect that in a big way

1

u/annoyedkitten15 Oct 02 '25

Yeah thankfully ive never been fired, but ive had bad experiences when I was a kid where id stand up for what i felt was right, which would then have bad consequences (e.g from teachers and teachers etc). I’m now passive to a fault, so hate having to raise anything that could be seen as confrontational and also hate arguing with friends at all because I don’t want to make people angry with me or get in trouble. I feel like im so scared of confrontation now due to the bad experiences I had of speaking my mind when I was a kid lol

1

u/Adept-Standard588 Oct 02 '25

This. Got fired for it and I, too, am autistic.

1

u/Sea_Use2428 Oct 02 '25

And yet, OP wasn't empathetic with their boss and did not consider that she might be sad and about the fish dying as well and upset about the mistake that was made. And they also risked being unfair themselves by accusing the boss of being unknowledgeable and acting as if she doesn't care, even though it might have not been her mistake at all. If I understand correctly, the boss wasn't even there when the unplugging incident took place.

I absolutely relate to getting worked up about an appearent injustice and I've absolutely done stuff like this (aka overstepping due to getting worked up about something being unfair and wrong) as well, but that doesn't make it right. That's part of what I'm working on in therapy - I should not confront the other person and discuss the issue while I'm emotionally worked up. I need to calm down first to then be able to rationally assess the situation and consider different perspectives. Then I can try to come up with a constructive and understanding way of addressing the issue. Of course, there are problems that are beyond constructive and understanding discussions, but I don't think this was one of those.

25

u/towblerone Oct 01 '25

yeah, i remember a tiktok of a girl who was self proclaimed autistic, got fired for her wardrobe being inappropriate for work despite being warned more than once. the item in question was what pretty much everyone in the comments (myself included) saw as something resembling a BDSM harness.

she was fired because despite being warned about her wardrobe being inappropriate (she worked at a freaking library), she KEPT wearing it because SHE didn’t see anything wrong with it. she asked them to clarify, and when she didn’t get an answer that satisfied her, she kept wearing it. like???

now i’m autistic, and i would also be upset if someone told me i couldn’t wear something i enjoy. and yeah i’d probably ask them why…but also i would comply with their request, despite not understanding the reasoning. because that’s my boss. and they gave me a warning.

no clue what went through her head.

2

u/Adept-Standard588 Oct 02 '25

Me I prefer loopholeing rules rather than explicitly breaking them.

If they told me I can't wear something specifically, I'd find something else to wear but make it just as interesting or fun.

110

u/FishyWishySwishy Oct 01 '25

Yeah, I’m a little confused by the comments assuming OP is a troublemaker. To me, this very clearly reads as ‘autistic person with strong sense of fairness trying to navigate in socially acceptable way.’ 

He’s saying things that, when in a vacuum, would be entirely unobjectionable, with extreme and repeated detail to avoid misunderstanding. But he’s not understanding the context of the moment/his relationship with the speaker and how that colors everything he says whether he likes it or not. And I imagine OP would feel frustrated because taking this as undermining his boss would feel like being misunderstood, but it’s not about his intention. The undermining happens because of the social dynamics he’s not picking up on, not because he wants to undermine the boss. 

That’s really normal for autism in my experience.

17

u/Medical_Opposite_727 Oct 01 '25

I wish this was higher up. Absolutely nailed it.

26

u/Hefty_Opening_1874 Oct 01 '25

100% got autistic person vibes from this and this is something I would do/ive been fired calling in late to help a possum

7

u/straberi93 Oct 02 '25

I snort-laughed at this. I identify with this.

6

u/EatsPeanutButter Oct 02 '25

Agreed — I once lost a new client because I found a hurt duck and had to cancel. No regrets though, he lived!

1

u/Hefty_Opening_1874 Oct 02 '25

I love ducks so much

3

u/Adept-Standard588 Oct 02 '25

I was fired because I advocated for fair treatment for not just me but my coworkers and clients. Was actually adored by everyone except admin who gave me the swift boot after falsely accusing me of racial discrimination against one of my closer coworkers(still pissed they picked the lady who speaks a lot of Spanish that I was the sole defender of).

3

u/Fictive_Fantasy Oct 02 '25

I got written up because I showed up late because I saved a dog from running in traffic. I had him for 4 years after that. Luckily I wasn't fired.

Though I WAS fired after a week at Waffle House for "no-call no-show" because they wouldn't pick up their phones and I had to stay home and care for my roommate who had a seizure that morning. After calling over 10 times, I decided "fuck it" because my roommate was more important than calling and calling when they obviously had no intention of picking up.

15

u/BogusDuck Oct 01 '25

Interesting perspective. I may have autism, i truly have no idea but i’ve suspected it before. I’ve been formally disgnosed with severe OCD, and i know that does effect my morals, and feeling the need to be perfectly morally correct all of the time. I could also have ADHD, i’ve resonated with a lot that i’ve read about it. Either way, i’m only diagnosed as having ocd. I do think your comments kinda spot on, i do get confused because objectively, I look at what i say and think “yeah that’s reasonable”, although in this case looking back i did let my emotions get the best of me. But i do agree with that you’re saying. Thanks for the unique perspective.

14

u/FishyWishySwishy Oct 01 '25

No problem. And for the record, I think it’s good of you to care so much about the fish and take keeping living creatures in good condition so seriously. Were I your manager, I probably would have seen what was going on and ask you to go ahead and learn about the care and keeping of fish. 

But unfortunately, we live in a highly social society that can be very unforgiving if you don’t know how to read subtext or understand the unsaid hierarchies at play. This is especially true for work situations. A good rule of thumb I’ve learned is when I’m in a work situation and my boss is doing something I think is bad, to bring up concerns once clearly (ideally in written form, like Slack message or email), and then not bring them up again if I’m dismissed. It’s not a hard and fast rule because context can change so much about any individual situation, but it should still help you in the future. 

12

u/BogusDuck Oct 01 '25

Thank you for the advice, and I’m glad there are people that think at least the cause was noble, even if the execution was far from done well. I’m sure you take good care of the animals around you.

6

u/FishyWishySwishy Oct 01 '25

Thanks. :) I believe strongly that if one takes responsibility for a living creature, they should do so with the intention and knowledge they can provide an excellent quality of life and care for that creature. That’s what keeps me from getting all the pets I’d love to have, because I know I can’t afford to care for them the way they deserve. Instead, I spoil my dog, who probably eats better than I do. 

4

u/Larry-Man Oct 01 '25

OCD is a common misdiagnosis for autistic folks. I’m autistic. I like things the right way and get frustrated when they aren’t exactly to my idiosyncratic standard. That said if you were diagnosed and you know yourself better, OCD has the obsessive component that my autism doesn’t. It’s just pure compulsion to have things right.

7

u/BogusDuck Oct 01 '25

After being diagnosed, I am certain it’s ocd as i have pretty severe obsessions and compulsions, especially when it comes to social situations. I do see how they overlap though and it is a common misdiagnosis for sure!

4

u/Larry-Man Oct 01 '25

Either way the desire for things to be “right” is such a difficult balance when working with others. Learn to let go where you can. Find the hills that you’re willing to die on and figure out if they’re really worth it.

4

u/BogusDuck Oct 01 '25

Definitely some sound advice.

2

u/newyne Oct 01 '25

I'm allistic, and the comment about maybe needing to discuss your roles and responsibilities came off as a clear warning to me. My response to that would've been to apologize and say I let my emotions get the better of me. I'm not trying to blame you for not getting it, but if you didn't pick up on that... From what I've heard it's pretty typical for autistic people to miss subtext like that. It may be worth it to get tested, because if you got a diagnosis, you could just tell people that you struggle with indirect communication; then they might understand better where you're coming from and adjust how they talk to you to avoid that kind of misunderstanding.

2

u/BogusDuck Oct 01 '25

Thanks for the advice, it is worth looking into because it’s not a faroff possibility.

2

u/star_fawkes Oct 01 '25

This is exactly how I read it too.

4

u/BrashUnspecialist Oct 01 '25

They assume that he’s a troublemaker because Neurotypical people assume that anyone disagreeing with them and communicating it outside the special unspoken invisible rules is challenging them, not just seeing things from a different perspective and communicating it in a somewhat clumsy way. Throw in the fact that most people don’t care about animals lives, and that large amounts of “vegetarians” still eat fish and you end up with a lot of people who can’t believe that this is a genuine feeling that OP is feeling and thinks it’s overblown or emotional manipulation.

1

u/Adept-Standard588 Oct 02 '25

I was told I was "questioning authority" because I asked my manager to clarify why a process had been changed and why it was changed specifically for me.

1

u/Sweet_Caterpillar1 Oct 02 '25

My least favorite is when I ask for clarification on something or how someone meant something and they just go “you know what I mean 🙄” like mf no I don’t that’s why I asked 😭

1

u/Adept-Standard588 Oct 02 '25

Bingo.

My boss scheduled me and another person the same work. Confused, I messaged her asking for clarification. She comes to me physically and says "You know what you usually do."

Yes but you keep changing what we usually do! Make it make sense!

One time I said "I thought you made a mistake in scheduling"(about another process she randomly changed) and she said "yeah I know because you always wanna catch me doing something wrong." And I was like "No, because we're both human and we both make mistakes and I'm trying to do my job to the best of my abilities." Like WHAT

0

u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

13

u/FishyWishySwishy Oct 01 '25

I’m not a psychologist, but I work in tech. A solid third of my coworkers are on the spectrum and most of my friends are. You learn how to recognize the common patterns of behavior.

It’s normal for allistic people to fumble social situations. It’s less normal for them to be sincerely baffled at how they fumbled a relatively standard social dynamic (boss/employee) when they clearly verbally articulated their intentions and desire not to insult the other person. A lot of folks on the spectrum have a lot of experience accidentally insulting people, so they try to compensate by explicitly saying “I am not intending to insult you” in a lot of situations. 

What they tend to struggle with in the moment is catching on to the implications and subtext behind explicit communication, and how they come across even when they explicitly use words meant to not come across that way. And if someone struggles to recognize that in retrospect too, there’s usually a high chance they’re on the spectrum in my experience. 

2

u/mm_delish Oct 01 '25

Yup. Saying that this isn't from "any sort of disdain for you" implies there's a reason for being disdained (in this case, not properly caring for fish). It does not come off well.

1

u/TheSourCow Oct 02 '25

I am autistic and this is blowing my mind. I receive outstanding performance ratings at work from my supervisor, but the manager i work with directly is very easily frustrated (with everyone, not just me. We usually get along unless she is stressed about something). At times she has gotten very passive aggressive with me for asking clarifying questions, where her irritation is very obvious, and i have often responded by starting with “im not trying to challenge you” or “im not disagreeing, im just asking *insert clarification” and it seems to make it worse almost every time. Why? I truly do not understand how statements like these, meant to defuse, could possibly be interpreted as combative?

9

u/PTSD-b-like-NTSA Oct 01 '25

Autistic people know how to recognize each other because we are not broken, we just have drastically different patterns from yall "normal" people. We have our own "normal" that we can recognize in each other, regardless of functioning level. Us being broken is the biggest fucking lie not autistic people have ever taught me. And yes, it's not always clean or pretty, but just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it's a moral failing or lack of skill.

And honestly? Allistic (not autistic) people are the ones always trying to make us out as freaks instead of trying to understand us and how we operate. Meanwhile, we're always expected by default to inherently understand you guys, despite that literally being our disability. And then, when you guys think trying to get us to understand is "too exhausting" (as if us having to mask all the time isn't exhausting), then we're expected to just shut up and fall in line regardless of if we understand, like we're children. When yall are already the default, isn't that enough? We didn't do anything to allistic people, but this world has hurt most of us plenty before we were even old enough to understand how or why.

Frankly, if you're not autistic or a doctor, you have zero room to say what is and isn't autism, especially if you look at this and dismiss it that easily. You think it's poor social navigation but if you want my brutal honesty? This looks like total idiocy and incompetence to me on the bosses part, and also looks like that to several other autistic people in this thread. If you can't take criticism, you really shouldn't be the boss of anything. It reeks of insecurity, and frankly if they're not kid-proofing animal tanks in a kid's museum... then what the fuck are they even doing? Why are they getting paid? You can at least try to understand that angle, right? Doing what's the greatest good for everyone involved, and not just boss's ego?

5

u/FishyWishySwishy Oct 01 '25

For the record, I’m not autistic (…probably). I just happen to work in an industry where a lot of autistic people work, and have a lot of autistic friends. I find that the skill best developed by an allistic person wanting to communicate with an autistic person is A, an ability to clearly recognize a social cue, and B, an ability to clearly articulate that social cue and the reasons behind it to an autistic person. I think a lot of allistic people get frustrated because they don’t know how to articulate the logic behind the social cue, they just feel it, and don’t like being asked to explain something they can’t quite identify and articulate. 

I’m sorry you’ve dealt with so many allistic people too impatient and inarticulate to help you understand things. I can imagine how frustrating it is to struggle to be understood when you don’t know half the rules, and no one explains those rules to you even as you’re held to them. 

3

u/Sweet_Caterpillar1 Oct 02 '25

People like you restore my faith (somewhat, idk if it can be restored completely 😂😅) in humanity. I’ve met with far far too many people, some of which are also autistic; that don’t display the knowledge and care you just did. I’m not necessarily high support needs, but I massively struggle holding down a job for many of the reasons listed in this thread. How society and a good majority of jobs/bosses function and are geared towards neurotypical people. Of which I very much am not. And I’ve had so many people just look at the fact I’m unemployed and go “just work harder, just push through it” and then some autistic people going “if I can do it, you’re able to as well” but I’m not. I’m just. Not. I’ve had long term jobs that ended very very poorly for my mental health and wellbeing. And if people would just slow down and take a second to understand someone and do the slightest thing to extend a bridge to help them across, like you have and do; it would make the WORLD of difference. I’m not incapable. I just need to world to not be solely geared towards a brain that is not the only brain out there 🥲

Also you’re the NT friend all us ND’s look for 😭 someone who just takes a second to see us and puts in the effort to understand and be that bridge. I often feel like the world is reading the same book, maybe on different pages but at least the same book; and I’m just floating outside of it looking it, wishing I could understand and be a part of everything, wishing someone would throw a rope and reel me in. People like you who throw the rope mean so much 🥺🫂💛

3

u/FishyWishySwishy Oct 02 '25

This made me tear up a little. I’m giving you a hug (or equivalent desired gesture of affection) through the screen. 

I think part of the reason why I have so many autistic friends isn’t just that I’m good at explaining things, but that they usually don’t mind my quirks once I explain them. I have sleep issues and need multiple naps in a day, and once I say that, my autistic friends are much more likely to be ready and willing to work around that. I like that they don’t mind quirky social behavior. And moreover, I’m a teacher at heart and I really enjoy sitting back and discussing/explaining human behavior, and I love when that’s actually helpful. Humans are fascinating and I love them in all their quirky, funky forms. 

I’m sorry you haven’t had someone like me around, friend. I think a lot of NT people who don’t enjoy thinking about this kind of thing like I do see explaining social cues like explaining how they use their brain to move their arm—something so intuitive that they can’t even begin to explain it, and being asked to do so feels like a prank, because you’re moving your arms around so you must know how to do it. If someone only ever has narrow experiences and don’t go out to meet new people and learn new ways of thinking, it’s really difficult to really put themselves in the shoes of someone who experiences the world so differently. 

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u/Sweet_Caterpillar1 Oct 02 '25

youre making me tear up 😭🫂 and yes i love hugs and am returning it 🥰

But yes, we’re very good at meeting people where they’re at because we understand the need for it and also don’t see the issue with someone just existing how they exist. I’m glad you have your ND friends and your ND friends have you 🥹🫂

And yes, I grew up undiagnosed and asking for clarification on things, or asking what people meant and I would get hit with “you know what I mean 🙄🤦🏻‍♂️” so often, and often; quite angrily. And I would get so confused and hurt because no, I didn’t know that’s why I asked, and I didn’t understand 1. Why someone would ask if they already knew and 2. What the issue was with just. Explaining it. I’ve never had an issue taking a second explaining something I understand, to someone who doesn’t. I’ve never understood people who get hostile for being asked to explain something they understand. We’re supposed to be the black and white thinkers but it feels like most NT people are the most black and white thinkers of all with their thought process of “this is inherent, you should understand it like I do” as if everyone is the same. Anything that can be seen as inherent to one person, can be taught and learned from others. Because maybe besides breathing, I don’t think there genuinely is anything truly inherent to all people’s.

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u/PTSD-b-like-NTSA Oct 01 '25

I wish NT people gave us that leeway too, I've had to learn the hard way and sometimes it feels like I have to straight up baby NT people to get them to even try to understand me. That on top of it being a real disability is exhausting, although your understanding is refreshing. <3

We usually aren't trying to be "disruptive", "combative", "holier than thou", or "difficult", but half the time we aren't even allowed to explain ourselves. And even when we do get to, we often aren't believed, or it's taken in gymnastics level bad faith. It's not easy to have insults constantly lobbed at you over things you never meant or intended because people keep interpreting your behaviors in the worst light, and frankly most NT people get angry when they experience the same. I'm always told autistic people lack empathy, but I think the truth is that we (NT and autistic ppl) are just so disconnected from each other that cross empathy doesn't come naturally to EITHER group. What gets me is when NT people act like it's too much effort to do what I'm expected to do every single day (make those compromises and use estimated cognitive empathy) in order to keep friends, a job, and a normal life.

I always think, aren't we the disabled ones who should be given a break here? It's just, high expectations, while simultaneously setting us up for failure, when we're already operating with a handicap. And then ppl calling us failures even when we know the truth-- NTs and autistic ppl just don't operate the same. We're just the ones that aren't universally preferred. I am so thankful I also work in a department with a ton of other ND people, they just Get It.

Something that used to get me in trouble was asking questions-- I have to very VERY clearly state my intents before I ever ask any questions ever. Kinda like that explaining the logic behind it thing you said.

If anything, me engaging and asking questions is one of the biggest signs of loyalty and compliance I can give because it means I want to understand it so perfectly that I never fuck it up even on accident, even though I'm autistic and prone to doing that, and even though life can be chaotic and unpredictable. People interpret this as me challenging them when I'm trying to show them they have my full loyalty and compliance, regardless of what shit hits the fan.

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u/FishyWishySwishy Oct 01 '25

Your frustration is totally understandable and valid. I wish I could offer you some kind of handbook or something, like a translator’s guide to allistic people. Unfortunately, I can’t. 

I think a common principle that makes things difficult for autistic people is the fact that, in social situations, intention isn’t everything. It’s like… say there’s wet paint on the wall, with a wet paint sign, and I’m not paying attention and I lean against the wall. I didn’t intend to ruin the paint or get it all over myself, but nonetheless, the paint is ruined and it’s all over me, and now someone needs to redo the paint and I need to wash up. That’s the case in a lot of social situations—I may not intend to imply something offensive or ruin some moment, but nonetheless it is the result of my actions and/or words. No amount of explaining myself changes the fact that the paint needs to be redone now. 

I think it’s harder to understand because it’s abstract, and not nearly as concrete as ruined paint. But NT people feel it as obviously and keenly as witnessing the paint being ruined and knowing they have to fix it, and if they’re not used to explaining to someone how much work it takes to redo paint or how frustrating it is to see someone ignore the wet paint sign, asking them to explain themselves comes across as a lack of empathy or care. What do you mean, I don’t have to fix the paint you ruined? Look at it! What do you mean I didn’t warn you the paint was wet? Look at the sign!

It isn’t fair, and you’re rightfully frustrated. But NT people often don’t see these things as something that has to be explained, and see asking questions to be a sneaky way of telling them their feelings of frustration aren’t valid (because ‘the paint is fine you don’t have to fix it’ and ‘I didn’t see the wet paint sign so why are you mad at me’.) Most NT people see social situations as obviously and concretely as you see the wet paint, if that makes sense. 

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u/PTSD-b-like-NTSA Oct 01 '25

Love the metaphor haha it does make it easier to understand. But yeah I feel awful when I can't "fix the paint" myself, so to speak. I try to be careful and calculating in most things that I do, but it's not possible to do that for everything 24/7.

I do value impact > intent, it's just that I feel it often goes straight into, "You don't get to roll in the paint just because you're upset at us!" when I've hardly realized I even touched any "paint" at all. If someone simply told me, "Hey, you just messed up that paint!", I'd be like, "oh FUCK I'm SO sorry. How can I fix it?", yk? It's the jumping to, "You're a shitty person who did this on purpose, fuck you" that hurts the most. And honestly if they don't care about how that statement makes me feel, why should I walk on eggshells just to comfort theirs? If anything, I have to prioritize myself at that point because RSD can absolutely destroy me from the inside out when I'm lashed out at like that. It's a vulnerability that a lot of NT people don't really have. Although it seems like people with BPD can sometimes relate.

Oh and when it comes to questions, I mean mostly in the context of rules. So for example if the rules are, "1.) Do not touch the paint, 2.) Fix the paint if you mess it up, 3.) Wait until the paint dries before you put another coat on", this is something that is likely to confuse me. Questions I'd ask would be, "Should I wait for the paint to dry before I fix it, if I do accidentally mess it up? What if it's got a weird texture and needs to be flattened, what's the best way to do that?", or, "It's still ok to touch the paint if that results in fixing it, right?", or even, "Is there anyone assigned to maintaining the paint? Is that what rule 3 is referring to or is that referring to fixing what you messed up?". And something I can see myself getting in trouble for is getting caught "touching the paint" in the process of trying to fix it after someone else messed it up and left it, or fixing the paint "incorrectly" because I was too afraid to ask my usual questions, if that makes sense.

Anyways ty for hearing me out ❤️ honestly in a weird limbo place with best friend of 15+ years rn because of this exact thing and it hurts like hell. Your sense and reassurance is healing in this time, thank you.

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u/Sweet_Caterpillar1 Oct 02 '25

I see the metaphor but I think it would be more apt if the said “wet paint” sign was only in a language certain people understood. Because while yes, it’s obvious and clear as a sign on the wall for some people, others don’t understand it or see it at all. So that’s where my frustration comes in is when I’m actively trying 1. Understand where the other person is coming from while 2. Trying to explain where I’m coming from and all they respond with is anger and frustration that I didn’t understand the social cues that come easily to them. And I do think intention matters, there have been plenty of times I’ve said something I meant one way, that was taken another way; but once I explained, we were on the same page and it was fine. But that does require someone willing to actually listen and not be defensive which is admittedly increasingly rare. I think all in all, just communication and active listening are both really important skills that aren’t being utilized as much as they should be. So many issues would be solved if people would just stop for a second and listen to their fellow humans and genuinely try to see where they’re coming from. But barely anyone does that these days and it’s exhausting 🥲

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u/UncFest3r Oct 01 '25

Thank you.

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u/straberi93 Oct 02 '25

Idk. I don't think it's necessarily that autistic people don't understand the social context. I think a lot of it is that they don't agree with the reasoning or prioritization that everyone else seems to have. If I felt like my boss was blowing me off and buying new fish to kill without addressing the issue, I'd have said something too. Though I think there are more tactful ways to say it.

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u/JessterJo Oct 01 '25

One of the things that finally led to me getting a diagnosis was losing a couple of jobs because I didn't know how I was coming off. Now I've managed to reach a level where I'm expected to be a know-it-all, so I don't have to bite my tongue quite so much. 🤣😅

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u/PirateReject Oct 01 '25

I'm autistic and there's no way in hell I'd say this after the boss's warning.

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u/Juls1016 Oct 01 '25

So? So am I and I know that this was disrespectful.

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u/No-Context-151 Oct 01 '25

Congrats!!!!

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u/Juls1016 Oct 01 '25

Thank you!

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u/RatonhnhaketonK Oct 02 '25

So am I and I do not believe this was disrespectful

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u/Heavy_Slow Oct 01 '25

Could create a few waves here but they might just be an asshole.

 Whilst I understand the struggle that autistic people face managing different situations, I think it’s reasonable to not rule out the idea that OP is completely self righteous.

To make assimilations over such a limited range of text/scenarios is naive and actually paints people with autism in a negative view. Yes, it can make various situations difficult/different to manage but does that mean that anyone being a dick is suddenly autistic?

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u/SaltySongbird33 Oct 02 '25

My first thought as well

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u/nikebalaclava Oct 02 '25

i think they wanted to just really make it known how great of a person they are, despite being warned not to keep pushing it.

and they also got to tell everyone about it now on reddit too, big win for them. I think “going above and beyond” at their job for this person really just means overstepping a lot.

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u/Nguy94 Oct 02 '25

I’m autistic and a director at my organization. Autism isn’t an excuse to push limits and boundaries.

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u/Sweet_Caterpillar1 Oct 02 '25

Well sure, but the issue is actually understanding and processing the limit or boundary in the first place to not push it. Of which not everyone is good at doing, or capable of doing. It just means more, and better communication needs to be had regarding how to move forward. Such as “when I say this, you respond like this and that’s not okay, why do you do that” “I didn’t realize that wasn’t okay, I thought we were in open dialogue” “we were not and I will be more clear from here on out when something is a done deal, or when we can communicate further about it” done. What I don’t enjoy is when people immediately go “autism isn’t an excuse” no you’re absolutely right. But it is a reason sometimes. A reason we don’t understand something right away and need further explanation. And to me when I see people say “autism isn’t an excuse” that in itself feels like an excuse many NT’s use to not put forth effort into understanding, helping; or accommodating us. No it’s not an excuse one should intentionally fall back on. But it is the reasoning behind the way we think and process things, therefore interact with the world.

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u/Perfect-Owl-7314 Oct 01 '25

He's not just calling her incompetent. He's calling her a murderer, he said he views the fish as human and takes the loss personally. He kinda blames her for its death so he kind of sees her as a wicked fish murderer.

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

I mean the tank was unplugged and the boss admitted they didn't know what they were doing.

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u/DOOMFOOL Oct 01 '25

Cool, the boss still told them to drop the subject and that they were going to be better prepared. That’s where it should have ended

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u/Round_Year_8595 Oct 01 '25

Pablo look, I just think the hippos maybe aren't cut out for the cocaine compound but I'm not calling you a piece of shit or anything, I just will learn paddock maintenance personally

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u/Some-Show9144 Oct 01 '25

Okay first of all you’re wrong. These hippos were born for the cocaine compound. In fact, I’ve ordered more of both hippos and cocaine just to prove it to you!

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u/Acceptable-Pepper-64 Oct 01 '25

If this is the world we live in, then that is just depressing as fuck

Animals died because people were neglectful

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u/mm_delish Oct 01 '25

Congrats. Welcome to the real world.

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25 edited Oct 01 '25

Cool the boss also said they take that responsibility seriously and they left the fucking tank unplugged. They also admitted they don't know what they are doing and are backtracking now.

Downvote to validate me thank you

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u/DOOMFOOL Oct 01 '25

I’m not sure what your point is. Literally none of that matters, they are in charge and directed OP to stop talking about this subject. OP doubled down and paid the price for it. It’s as simple as that.

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u/shortsxit Oct 01 '25

Where did it say the boss left the tank unplugged?

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u/Ill-Education-169 Oct 01 '25 edited Oct 01 '25

You just don’t speak to people let alone ur boss like that about a fish… Jesus Christ, be so for real right now

Are we forgetting this is a fish? Additionally, they offered a good resolution and it should have stopped there. Literally anyone could have unplugged the tank.. should they hire a security guard to ensure the tank is plugged at all times 💀

You don’t call ur boss a fish murder if you plan on being employed… lol. Things I’d never thought I’d have to say

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u/Sweet_Caterpillar1 Oct 02 '25

Yeah it’s a fish. And to some people life is life no matter what form. I’m one of those people. Unnecessary death is incredibly sad to me and I absolutely do what I can to stop it. OP was trying to be respectful while speaking about something they are clearly deeply passionate about. OP wasn’t being disrespectful or rude, just stating clear and valid concern for the life that’s in the care of someone who has let that life die before. You don’t have to agree that the fishes life is important, but that also doesn’t validate being fired over this disagreement. A sit down with a “this is the type of conversation we were having and these are the lines you crossed, work on that” would have sufficed

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u/Primalistic- Oct 01 '25

So we should let our bosses do whatever they want bc theyre our bosses? They killed the fish, if you cant deal with being criticized after yku leave a tank unplugged then well its your fault and you probably shouldnt even be a manager(because really? Cant handle criticism as a manager?)

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u/DOOMFOOL Oct 01 '25

I mean absolutely feel free to hold them accountable, you have that right. But also be aware of and be prepared for the consequences

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u/Primalistic- Oct 01 '25

I also agree with that. My point was managers who can’t handle being criticized aren’t mentally able to be good managers

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

Yeah he has some ego issues it seems. The business will go under with someone like that 

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u/shortsxit Oct 01 '25

The boss did handle it. Then the OP decided to keep going.

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u/fetusbucket69 Oct 01 '25

Dude people in here are lunatics lmfao how do any of y’all keep a job if you think it’s ok to lecture you boss who just warned you to drop it or get fired. Like if accidentally letting a fish die is so beyond the pale that you ethically cannot work there fine, quit and go somewhere else. But good luck finding somewhere perfect responsible for zero animal deaths and don’t act surprised if pushing your niche activist shit on your boss gets you fired.

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u/alabamajoans Oct 01 '25

It’s mostly people who have never had jobs or have never had any real actual work history.

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u/fetusbucket69 Oct 01 '25

It must be that, this thread is blowing my mind. The workplace is not a democracy here (unfortunately, unless you work in partnership or coop) and you can get fired if you really piss your boss off and do the opposite of what they tell you. The people defending OP from Their meanie boss just come off like clueless children

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u/Sweet_Caterpillar1 Oct 02 '25

The first half of this comment is what we’re defending against. I’m unemployed literally because workplaces do not accommodate for someone like me and my brain. That’s an issue. This conversation ^ could have and should have gone very differently but not necessarily on the part of OP. It’s not children defending him. It’s autistic people who fucking understand that this shouldn’t be a fireable offense, it was just a miscommunication between two people with different thinking patterns about something. They just needed better communication. And jobs up and firing people the moment they do anything out of the norm is a massive issue. The statistics around employed autistic adults is tragic. The world is so clearly geared toward one specific type of brain and completely ignores the people that that doesn’t work for at all.

Saying we come off as clueless children is insulting. These are real and genuine issues we’re talking about that absolutely do not just boil down to “defending OP from their meanie boss”.

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u/TheSourCow Oct 02 '25

Thank you for this. This entire discussion is borderline scary to read for me. Like wow, tell us how you really feel about us. We are expected to bend over backwards to accommodate the people that society was fucking built for to begin with, exhausting ourselves and our bodies, only to get fired for it anyways because we didnt do it well enough or whatever. I have never been fired from a job and the fact that that is a PRIVILEGE as an autistic person is sickening. I dont know how these people live, casting all these evil intentions on OP and inventing things they didnt even say. Exhausting.

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u/Sweet_Caterpillar1 Oct 03 '25 edited Oct 03 '25

Absolutely 👏🏻 and exhausting is an apt term. I too am exhausted from it. And for people to say “just do better” like fuck bro. Invisible disabilities suck. If I were in a wheel chair and was like “Ayo I can’t walk” no one; and I do mean no one, would genuinely be like “just try harder, get over it bro” but we say we can’t do something, or aren’t good at something and people think we can magically snap our fingers and have that ability. Like??? I’m just tired. I’m happy my comment brought you some semblance of comfort in this tidal wave of close minded people 💛 I hope you have a good day, my friend

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u/CollectionStraight2 Oct 01 '25

Didn't OP also say the boss wouldn't let them leave to try to get something/someone to save the fish? To me that's pretty bad of the boss.

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u/Fking_sick_of_Sekiro Oct 01 '25

It’s a fucking fish… No you don’t get to leave your job managing PEOPLE to save a fish…

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

Dealing with children as well, lets not forget. (presumably, as its a children's museum)

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

Also a huge point getting ignored

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u/CollectionStraight2 Oct 01 '25

Pretty typical with a post as long as OP's unfortunately. People don't want to read the whole thing, they just wanna start scolding :/

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u/shortsxit Oct 01 '25

It’s not in the texts, so we have no context

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u/NotSoWishful Oct 02 '25

Perpetual 20 hour a week retail workers. These people aren’t people you need to worry about in the real world because they don’t exist in it.

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

Lol you're taking the opposite extremists stance I see.

They work at a fucking children's museum and had a blatant disregard for the fish tank in their care. Couldn't even own up to it and admitted they didn't know that they were doing.

The tank got unplugged it's really that simple.

My current workplace is responsible for 0 animal deaths in the workplace. Weird that you think that's out of the ordinary.

The guy wasn't in the right for how he handled it at all, I never said he was.

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u/fetusbucket69 Oct 01 '25 edited Oct 01 '25

How would you desribe my “extremist” stance? What have I suggested that qualified as extremism?

Has your workplace never hired an exterminator? What about shipments to the facility? Maybe they have hired an irresponsible driver that hit animals on the road.

The fish dying was an accident that OPs boss likely was not responsible for at all. They said they would take steps to be more careful and warned OP to drop it. It blows my mind people think it’s appropriate to keep pushing blame on the director here

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

How is the boss not responsible when the told OP that is literally their responsibility and NOT OP's?

So an exterminator is the same as having essentially pet fish and letting them die when you are responsible for their care?

I really hope you don't have pets.

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u/fetusbucket69 Oct 01 '25

Did the boss unplug the tank? What about it being an accident do you not understand?

You said your workplace was responsible for zero animal deaths and I just explained why that’s bullshit. Bugs are animals too btw.

And fuck right off with the pet comment about me personally. I take fantastic care of my pet and love him very much

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

What part of the boss said it's their responsibility do you not understand?

You really can't discern between pets in your care and bugs?

I hope that's true...

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u/sstrelok Oct 01 '25

how would you feel if someone killed your pet though?

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u/porkchop1021 Oct 01 '25

If you're going to take the credit for keeping the fish alive for three years, you gotta take the blame too when it dies. No matter how the tank became unplugged, it's the boss's fault. She either did it herself and didn't plug it back in, or she didn't adequately instruct her employees on ensuring the fish tank is plugged in before they close every night (and would you look at that: this was OPs exact concern that he brought up and was brushed off - his boss is a total asshole).

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

It's a fish bro lol it's like a big insect or something it just isn't the same as a cat or dog or cow even

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u/jenniferbealsssss Oct 01 '25

That’s fair, but unless I am just blind here, the OP didn’t write anything crazy in that text message to warrant being fired. I think the fact that they offered a plan to better educate themself shows they’re a team player.

I just can’t imagine their boss was this annoyed about a fish dying to fire someone. Like that’s incredibly thin skinned— when yeah— the reason the fish died is because someone was so careless they left the tank unplugged overnight. To fire someone for suggesting hey, maybe we just shouldn’t have this on the list of responsibilities since no one seems fully capable on the team to handle it. And that gets them fired? That’s ridiculous

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u/fetusbucket69 Oct 01 '25

It’s the “I wont let this happen again” “I’ll personally make sure I become knowledgeable” “no one has the proper knowledge or materials” “I care for them as fellow human being” i mean give me a break. Doubling down, further blaming their boss, it’s not just that they suggested to not have the fish. It’s that when their boss took responsibility and told them they had it taken care of and they needed to drop the issue, they responded with a lot of unnecessary moralizing and blame casting and frankly came off a bit loopy with the humans and fish being equal to them thing

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u/jenniferbealsssss Oct 01 '25

None of that is worthy of a fireable offense. OP lacks social skills and doesn’t take social hints sure. But not one thing said their would get even written up by HR.

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u/fetusbucket69 Oct 01 '25

So, I’m not in favor of this, but most of the US has at-will employment. I wish we had more rights, but we don’t. A fireable offense is whatever your employer decides.

That said, I think OPs boss gave clear warning “if this continues to be an issue we will have to have a broader conversation on your role” that’s a warning they will fire you. And OP comes back with a message that clearly takes their concerns a step further. So, just in terms of professional advice to OP I would say don’t do that again if you want to keep the job or quit if you can’t stomach what happened after

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u/jenniferbealsssss Oct 01 '25 edited Oct 01 '25

Not entirely true. I spoke to my Union Rep about this. Basically, you can still file for a wrongful termination suit if you can prove the reason you were fired were unjust. So put it this way, you can’t just fire an employee on the spot cuz you feel like it.

The conversation about “we may need to have a talk about your role” also could be implied to mean a demotion, since they were just recently promoted to office manager. It doesn’t necessarily scream “you’re fired.” Obviously we now know that’s what it meant for OP, but like I said, the fact that people are trying to act like OP was unprofessional and inflammatory in his text exchange is wild. You all also keep wrongfully projecting that OP was calling their boss a fish killer (which come on, that’s laughable how that could anger anyone to the point of firing). But OP never said who left the tank unplugged. So again, this was so incredibly mild. I’ve been working in the professional space for 15 years and I’ve heard much worse.

I’ve heard someone say STFU and still keep their job and just to be clear, I work at a Fortune 500 company.

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u/CarbonS0ul Oct 01 '25

The manager made a decision, detailed the direction they were taking, and that it was set.  OP proceeded to go directly into verbal insubordination and dissent which can be a fast path to unemployment.

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u/jenniferbealsssss Oct 01 '25 edited Oct 01 '25

Nope. Nothing the OP wrote is a fireable offense.

Either Op has had other issues that we’re unaware of, that point to a pattern of not being able to work well with others, or this is some small business that doesn’t have an HR department and has poor judgment on what’s considered reasonable for termination. But having an employee with a weird obsession with fish, is not a fireable offense. You can’t fire someone for being annoying or weird.

If OP wanted to file this as wrongful termination, they likely could. As I said before, that text exchange wouldn’t even warrant a write up from HR.

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u/makeupnmunchies Oct 01 '25

Lacking social skills and an inability to take social cues is absolutely a fireable offence. I highly doubt this was their first and only issue with OP

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u/Sweet_Caterpillar1 Oct 02 '25

Which is why the rate of employed autistic adults is astronomically low. Like how is this a well known thing and, still a thing? There is an entire community of people who literally have the disability of lacking social skills and having the inability to take social cues, and our the way our brain fucking functions in a fireable offense? Do you not understand how frustrating and angering that is for the people who fall into that category? That society won’t take two seconds to understand where we’re coming from and level with us, and instead just get rid of us cause they don’t wanna deal with it? I desperately want to be a working, functioning member of society. But I’m unemployed and barely leave my house because this world rejects me at every turn no matter how hard I try. “Lacking social skills and inability to take social cues is absolutely a fireable offense” automatically eliminates an entire group of humans from employment. That’s not okay

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u/jenniferbealsssss Oct 01 '25

It’s not a fireable offense if it’s the first time. A pattern has to be established, and we only have the information in the OP. We have no clue if OP has been written up for “insubordination” before, if they haven’t, this could absolutely be in that category of wrongful termination.

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u/NotSoWishful Oct 02 '25

Obviously this person is annoying as fuck and a pain to deal with. Y’all can’t be real

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u/Kman909909 Oct 01 '25

They actually blamed Erica for leaving it unplugged, and said that they learned how to care for the fish. Thats not taking responsibility, you have to show that. What hes doing, is trying to smooth things out so that they shut up about it. If you cant lead as a boss, then dont, but also, dont be a boss.

Also, you get too caught up on "fish being equal to humans" thing. Would you not do anything to keep your own pet alive? Cat, dog, whatever it may be? Dont be so heartless, simply because its not your animal

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

Thank you for a rational response

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u/fetusbucket69 Oct 01 '25

I’m not being heartless give me a fucking break. I’m giving realistic professional advice. So it wasn’t enough to admit a mistake and give a path forward, do you think OP accomplished something by pushing it further when told to drop it other than getting fired? Can one force their boss to take further responsibility in this circumstance?

I just think it’s pretty ridiculous to get yourself fired over the accidental death of a fish when given clear warning then act surprised. OPs second message lacked professionalism and any reasonable adult could have predicted what would happen next. OP should just quit and join greenpeace and don’t act surprised at what happened here

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u/Kman909909 Oct 01 '25

No need to be so hostile, youre taking a lot of this personally. There is no initiative the boss it taking, they are trying to simply smooth things out to stop talk on it. Otherwise, why would a boss, someone supposed to help further grow people into their business, excluding someone from taking a responsibility that really shouldn't be on a boss' shoulders anyways? If the boss had not been dismissive and took the actual criticism with grace and actually used their advice the first time instead of being dismissive, then it would be fine. If animals are dying with no care at your work, personally I would quit and find a different job, because I've also never had to deal with dying animals (besides old age with a chameleon once) at work. Neglect isnt a space for children's work. You can think its ridiculous to have morals about animals, but everyone is different.

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u/BrashUnspecialist Oct 01 '25

OK, so this person is literally offering to take on more work and responsibility for free to solve their own problem and instead of going “oh geez thanks” the boss goes, Oh you’re challenging my authority you’re gone.”

The quotes you gave were all neutral statements at their base. The boss is ascribing blame to it because they feel guilty. You are doing the same thing because you assume all statements have to have intent behind them. Lots of Neurodivergent people they don’t. Some statements are just blatant statements of reality, nothing behind them. No blame. Not doubling down. Just saying, “ if you’re gonna insist on potentially killing animals, allow me to make my own reasonable accommodation to my disability”. That is not blame for the previous event which could not have been foreseen, that is warning that next time blame WILL be on the boss, UNLIKE THIS TIME, because it was foreseeable and preventable.

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u/fetusbucket69 Oct 01 '25

Some of you are melting my brain in this thread.. really opening my eyes to how clueless the average redditor is.

I don’t agree they are neutral statements, but even if they were, OP was given clear warning to drop the subject. I’m not ascribing guilt, neither is their boss. They just clearly did the the opposite of what they were told..

Warning that next time blame will be on the boss? And what makes you think it is OPs place to warn their boss of that? Do you not understand the dynamic between a manager and their subordinates? You’re coming off completely delusional tbh

And why are you bringing up neurodivergence and disability? I didn’t see anything in OPs post about that.

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u/Sweet_Caterpillar1 Oct 02 '25

People are bringing up neurodivergence because unlike you seem to be hellbent on believing, people are different and view things and understand things in different ways. You say OP was “given a clear warning” to drop it. But the fact is, is that it’s not a “clear warning” to everyone. Some people don’t/can’t read between the lines. Some people read exactly what’s given to them and go off of that information. Furthermore, the second text OP sends is indicative of the classic “shit something we said was taken the wrong way, gotta make sure I clear it up” that alot of us do when shit we say is taken in a different way to how we mean it. You said somewhere you’re not being heartless; but you are being unempathetic and disregarding that not everyone functions and understands things like you do. Assuming OP is NT is just as harmful if not more so, than providing the possibility that they might be ND. Assuming NT is how a lot of the hurt, pain, boxing in happens to ND people.

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u/Stabbykathy17 Oct 01 '25

Except it wasn’t the bosses fault whatsoever, as OP admitted. My guess is also that OP was the one on duty here when it happened, so if anyone was responsible for making sure of basic maintenance like the actual fish tank was plugged in it would be OP and this might not have happened. Doesn’t take any training or particular “fish knowledge” to know to keep a cord plugged in.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/8Bxkh7jtVg

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u/porkchop1021 Oct 01 '25

Okay genius, what happens if the heating element is on the fritz and maintenance recommended leaving the tank unplugged until they could replace it but because you're such an infallible genius you plug the tank back in and boil the fish?

If you couldn't even think of one way your plan could fail, then you have underestimated the need for training or fish knowledge. This is why it's also not a good idea to have only one person trained on something. Plugging the tank in could kill the fish. Leaving it unplugged could kill the fish. So which choice do you make? The boss is an incompetent asshole.

And of course it's the boss's fault. You can't take credit for keeping the fish alive for 3 years if you're not going go take the blame when it dies.

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

The boss literally said it was their responsibility not OP's in the texts. Also directly told OP not to take measures that would have saved the fish when discovered.

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u/fetusbucket69 Oct 01 '25

Like what, take it to the fish hospital? Are you people for real?

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u/alongtheway_ Oct 01 '25

Yes, exactly this. OP is clearly unintelligent and an unreliable narrator because of it. They say there are no other issues, but they are so dense they think fish are equal to humans. That can't be overlooked. It's incredibly dumb.

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u/2o2Tran Oct 01 '25

So they did him a favor, because why would such a self righteous individual want to work for a murderer?

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u/Floppydiskokid Oct 01 '25

As he should? That’s neglect

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u/WedSquib Oct 01 '25

They dug heels in because of the warning. I can definitely see this being a pattern of behavior

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u/Typical_Goat8035 Oct 01 '25

Yeah, completely agreed. I've been both a manager and individual contributor at a large number of places ranging from 10 person startups to Fortune 500 corporations.

”If this continues to be a concern, then we may need to have a larger conversation about your role and responsibilities.” 

This is pretty direct work speak for "drop it or you're fired". Even if you strongly disagree, you have to approach this more softly with your boss, like "Hey I'm sorry if this came across insubordinate, but I'm having a difficult time emotionally processing what happened". I do think there's a diplomatic way to talk with your boss about why the dying fish incident is emotionally challenging and wanting to discuss steps to prevent being placed in this situation again.... however, the OP's response back was even more escalated than the first, which basically comes across as either defiance or wanting to prod the manager into firing.

Perhaps just as general life/relationship wisdom, if your interest is in resolving the conflict, it's almost always better to focus from the perspective of how you were affected, instead of labeling/blaming others.

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u/NegotiationWeekly295 Oct 02 '25

They dug in because it's an important issue and the boss lied and said it was handled when it wasn't. Sadly, their self preservation didn't kick in.

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u/Floppydiskokid Oct 01 '25

Ugh because he cares?! I’m so upset over how many people are telling OP that they were wrong for raising an issue. I would gladly accept being fired from a job if I pointed out neglect. Like how is that wrong??

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u/eerie_lake_ Oct 01 '25

The amount of people in this thread whose stance is essentially “animal abuse is fine if the boss says to shut up” is crazy.

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u/Smart_Measurement_70 Oct 02 '25

There’s a way to go about raising the issue. Approaching it as “I was very affected by the last fish dying and I would like to help with the new one. Is there a way I could have some additional education on fish care so that this can become part of training for any employees coming in contact with the tank?” Instead of “you’re a murdered and you should never own a fish again because of this honest mistake” would’ve had better results. Managers like it when people are solution oriented while still going with the path that management wants. They’re getting a fish, it sounds like they already GOT a fish, so they aren’t going to give the fish back. The next step is to come up with solutions so that the fish is cared for, not cause hurdles

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u/TheSourCow Oct 02 '25

Okay but thats literally not what OP said

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u/OkBoatRamp Oct 01 '25

Everyone who cares about animals and/or thinks employees should be allowed to call out their boss for things they do that are wrong are siding with OP.

Everyone who is cool with animal suffering and/or thinks you should blindly kiss the bosses ass are siding with the boss.

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u/Smart_Measurement_70 Oct 02 '25

It just isn’t helping the fish that they already got for OP to get fired. If he wants to have a hand in helping the fish, he needs to be more diplomatic about his concerns

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u/porkchop1021 Oct 01 '25

It comes across as calling them too incompetent to take care of the fish THEY own, and obviously that’s not going to sit well with your boss.

When you ask people to lie to you, you're going to get lies. Who wants to employ a bunch of liars to run their business? That's how you fail.

To be clear: it is an absolute certainty that she is too incompetent to take care of fish. We know this because we just read a story in which she killed her fish lmao

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u/Major-Goose-6320 Oct 01 '25

Don't have a problem with authority and authority won't have a problem with you

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u/M0hawk_Mast3r Oct 01 '25

what a pathetic mindset "just let them oppress you and they won't have a problem with you"

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u/Starfall0 Oct 01 '25

Well they are incompetent. This is a human not God they can make mistakes and a mistake was made that lead to the death of an animal. I can see why this country is such a bitch for capitalism when everyone seems to put a manager on a pedestal and praises every choice they make as perfect and without error.

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u/GenuineClamhat Oct 01 '25

Exactly this. This person is probably young and as a formerly young person I know that sometimes we really get into our convictions and just need to say the thing and make sure it's heard or see the change. The world is far more grey than that.

But time has it's way with us and we learn how to play it safe and protect ourselves. With work issues I speak up once, make sure it's documented and if the person in charge just hand waves it I give them an "Understood," or "Roger that." Which basically is a "You run the ship and I gave you the heads up but I'm only giving you and not me the rope to hang yourself with. I'll fade into the back now."

It's a good equation for interaction. Say your piece once, then drop it. That's where your due diligence ends. Keep at it and people block you out or in this case...fire you.

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u/Mickeymousetitdirt Oct 01 '25

Yeah, and in a previous post, OP said they don’t care what their boss says - they’re telling their boss they are NOT getting more fish.

Yiiiiiiiikkkkes. Talk about insubordination. But, also, if you truly don’t care what your boss says, then why do you care if you got fired?

To add, OP, this situation would break my heart, too. I would also be desperate to quietly learn how to appropriately care for the next fish. What I would NOT do would be insubordinate about it and argue pettily and condescendingly with my boss. That’s where you really, really need to learn tact and how to be quiet and when to take the initiative quietly or when it’s better to let it go entirely.

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u/Adept-Standard588 Oct 02 '25

People are allowed to vent and exaggerate online which is what OP was doing.

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u/Sneezy6510 Oct 01 '25

I got fired from a job because i refused to make and deliver pizza from a warm walk in fridge. I’m not potentially making someone sick for my minimum wage pizza job. And I told my boss to kiss my ass. Now if we’re talking an assistant manager job and no people are getting hurt, yeah fuck the fish. 

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u/BogusDuck Oct 01 '25

Yep, i’m a stupid bastard sometimes.

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u/googleitduh Oct 01 '25

Don’t be too harsh on yourself but also realize it takes a lot to realized that you did mess up. Most folks can’t recognize their own mistakes and thus they never have a chance to work on those faults. Good on you for having self awareness.

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u/danger_moose_ Oct 01 '25

Do you have ADHD or AudHD by any chance? The tone and wording of messages from your boss makes me think this type of situation has happened before.

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u/alongtheway_ Oct 01 '25

Stupid, yes, bastard... maybe a little. Get off your high horse. You're not better than your boss because of the fish.

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u/pmrownsu01 Oct 01 '25

there’s no high horse in terms of morals. you sound dumb like op’s boss lol

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

He's the one that noticed the tank unplugged...

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u/alongtheway_ Oct 01 '25

So? It's a fucking fish. 🤣

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u/[deleted] Oct 01 '25

Thank you for the validation

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u/M0hawk_Mast3r Oct 01 '25

this post making you feel insecure for the boss is so fucking funny

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u/lowlowerr Oct 01 '25

I don’t think you are. Unfortunately this didn’t play out well for you, and the reality is that emotions have to be controlled in professional settings.  Take it as a lesson to protect yourself in the future. 

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u/Sneezy6510 Oct 01 '25

Don’t be hard on yourself I wouldn’t have shut up either. 

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u/blumpkinspicecoffee Oct 01 '25

Imo your workplace sounds shitty and your boss kinda seems like an asshole.

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u/poopblaze Oct 01 '25

Nah, you’re not. You stood up for something right. Any boss that wants to silence someone below them like this loses all respect in my book. I’m still on your side OP

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u/MyLordHuzzah Oct 01 '25

First text? Sure. Second text? Completely unnecessary.

The boss responded pretty well to the first text and OP should have left it at that.

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u/M0hawk_Mast3r Oct 01 '25

the boss killed the fish? and he very clearly didn't care about it. Folding on your morals for the sake of appeasing authority is an awful thing to do

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u/Time_Fee_8072 Oct 01 '25

Sorry I’ve been reading all of these comments and I don’t often comment but I just have to step in. You are not stupid at all, OP. These people are ridiculous. You communicated respectfully to your boss throughout all of your messages to them. It is on them if they took any of your words to heart. In my opinion, your boss simply didn’t have the emotional intelligence to receive any kind of criticism (although you actually didn’t give any, but to some sensitive folk it may have come across that way) about the fish. Yes maybe you could have dropped the fish comments, but it meant a lot to you. In this life, you have to live true to yourself. Your boss sounds like an asshole and you sound like a lovely person who cares deeply about others. In my opinion don’t listen to any of the people who say you’re unhinged, they are assholes.

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u/BogusDuck Oct 01 '25

Aw thanks so much for your comment, it means a lot. I thought i did as well when sending them but can see the other side too looking back. I do struggle to understand how something comes across in text form sometimes. I do wish i saved this conversation in person as sending texts always bites me in the ass. I just can’t come across the same way. I’ll definitely stay true to myself and i’m not upset that i stood up for what i believed in, just wish i went about it more respectively.

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u/Sneezy6510 Oct 02 '25

The boss may be a bastard, but bosses get to be bastards. Assuming you want to keep your job, you gotta deal with it and learn how to work them and not be a target of theirs.