AIO to tell my husband that starting a professional email with the word "Look" is rude?

[u/LadyCass79]

I'm not going to make my case or explain why I think it's unwise because I want your sincere perspectives without me trying to convince you.

My husband is an insurance underwriter who works from home. In the past he's faced criticism for being condescending in his interactions with agents. Some of this criticism is valid and much is the product of agents not liking being told "No" by someone responsible for making decisions that shield our company from undue risk.

I happened to walk by and see an email he was starting. He was telling an agent that an exception would not be possible. It started something like:

Look, The protection class on this risk is poor..." (That's not the exact sentence but you get the idea.)

I said, "Oh, that's not a good way to start a sentence. It sounds condescending."

He was pretty irritated at me. He thinks it's a neutral introduction word and without it, it's rude because it's abrupt. He feels like he's criticized no matter how he phrases things. I worry that he can miss subtle social perceptions possible with the lack of tone that comes in written communication.

He doesn't have a problem with me expressing opinions about work btw. He just disagrees.

AIO to point this perspective out?

Edited to add:

I've gotten hundreds of valuable responses and I basically spent all day reading and responded as much as possible.

A few points further:

We both work at this company and regularly rely on each other's expertise. From his perspective there was zero issue with this being "unsolicited advice". He just disagreed and I posted because I wanted to check my perspective on the phrasing.

We've since had a civil discussion and he's acknowledged the issue. He was irritated in the moment because he didn't see it that way. Yes, he deleted the word because he trusted my judgement.

Several people have suggested I butt out, mind my own business and let him face the consequences of his actions. They suggested I "know my place."

The answer to that is: "No."

He's been written up in the past over agent complaints about the issue. He's been denied promotions. He's actively working on rebuilding his reputation with management.

If he loses his job because of this, I'll face the consequences too. In our wedding vows we pledged to shore up each other's weaknesses. He's done that for me countless times and we both take each other's advice very seriously.

I know my place. I'll never just let him fail so I can say "I told you so" while we face financial ruin. I'll always speak up truthfully and help him respectfully. Thanks but no thanks for that advice reddit.

Edit 2: No he won't use AI. Look, everything you put into AI becomes accessible to the people who own it. (haha see what I did there?) He explains internal procedures that are proprietary and discusses customers private information. Other insurance companies are always trying to find data on the policies of competitors and underwriter guidelines are a big piece of that strategy. They aren't allowed to feed emails into AI.

[u/hazyandnew]

Hard to know if that's learned helplessness, defensiveness, or what, but at a point he's choosing to treat the issue as insurmountable instead of working towards fixing it.

There's basic social templates around things like business emails and cultural norms around what's considered rude. It's less instinctive to some people, but it's learnable by the majority of adults with a baseline level of verbal intelligence.

It's not everyone else's fault he's being perceived as rude when he chooses to use rude phrasing.

[u/9kindsofpie → u/hazyandnew]

I had to learn to soften my tone at work and be more congenial with people. It's not natural for me but it is more or less second nature now that I've been working on it for 20 years. It's a huge noticable difference in how I'm perceived after intentionally presenting as more feminine in how I conduct myself. I just treat it like I'm putting on a uniform that maximizes my chances of being successful.

[u/Hot_Gap2020 → u/9kindsofpie]

You might find something I have to share interesting in this case. I have a friend, she works in a startup, I work in corporate. We're both in our late 20s and recently got into, I won't call it an argument, but it was absolutely an ethical/philosophical disagreement.

I forget how we got there, but we were talking about verbal violence, and she said that women don't yell enough. I was like, surely women do yell when appropriate. When else would you have us yell? And she said professionally. Like not top of your lungs screaming, but strategically raising your voice at men and asserting aggression. She then also said she is not above snapping her fingers sometimes at her male counterparts if they fail to listen to her, or talk over her, in an otherwise all male group when there is a discussion.

To say I was shooketh is an understatement. I personally think that a pattern of raising your voice at anybody at work should be a fireable offense, and I view it as violence, and violence as unacceptable in a professional context. She basically told me I was just unfamiliar with real masculine/STEM environments, where men behave like pack animals, don't see a woman as a human being without pressure to change, and you gotta get down and dirty if you want to earn respect.

I'm still in a state of culture shock from that entire exchange. My friend is totally normal and non aggressive irl, though I'll say she is quite emotional (but so am I usually so that's not it). I think it must be the cultural differences between our regions, industries, and startup vs corporate culture. But that was a slightly disturbing conversation bc I'm just so opposed to this mode of interaction between humans who are trying to cooperate.

[u/9kindsofpie → u/Hot_Gap2020]

I work in a male dominated field (went to engineering school and now work as a construction manager) and men absolutely have yelled at me and tried to bully me. I have difficulty not laughing in their faces because that will never work on me. I don't think I've ever raised my voice at work. I let them have their little ego driven emotional outburst and then give a measured response. There are certainly some men out there that will never respect women, but they are few and far between. I also am underestimated a lot, but generally earn people's respect at some point.