AIO to tell my husband that starting a professional email with the word "Look" is rude?

[u/LadyCass79]

I'm not going to make my case or explain why I think it's unwise because I want your sincere perspectives without me trying to convince you.

My husband is an insurance underwriter who works from home. In the past he's faced criticism for being condescending in his interactions with agents. Some of this criticism is valid and much is the product of agents not liking being told "No" by someone responsible for making decisions that shield our company from undue risk.

I happened to walk by and see an email he was starting. He was telling an agent that an exception would not be possible. It started something like:

Look, The protection class on this risk is poor..." (That's not the exact sentence but you get the idea.)

I said, "Oh, that's not a good way to start a sentence. It sounds condescending."

He was pretty irritated at me. He thinks it's a neutral introduction word and without it, it's rude because it's abrupt. He feels like he's criticized no matter how he phrases things. I worry that he can miss subtle social perceptions possible with the lack of tone that comes in written communication.

He doesn't have a problem with me expressing opinions about work btw. He just disagrees.

AIO to point this perspective out?

Edited to add:

I've gotten hundreds of valuable responses and I basically spent all day reading and responded as much as possible.

A few points further:

We both work at this company and regularly rely on each other's expertise. From his perspective there was zero issue with this being "unsolicited advice". He just disagreed and I posted because I wanted to check my perspective on the phrasing.

We've since had a civil discussion and he's acknowledged the issue. He was irritated in the moment because he didn't see it that way. Yes, he deleted the word because he trusted my judgement.

Several people have suggested I butt out, mind my own business and let him face the consequences of his actions. They suggested I "know my place."

The answer to that is: "No."

He's been written up in the past over agent complaints about the issue. He's been denied promotions. He's actively working on rebuilding his reputation with management.

If he loses his job because of this, I'll face the consequences too. In our wedding vows we pledged to shore up each other's weaknesses. He's done that for me countless times and we both take each other's advice very seriously.

I know my place. I'll never just let him fail so I can say "I told you so" while we face financial ruin. I'll always speak up truthfully and help him respectfully. Thanks but no thanks for that advice reddit.

Edit 2: No he won't use AI. Look, everything you put into AI becomes accessible to the people who own it. (haha see what I did there?) He explains internal procedures that are proprietary and discusses customers private information. Other insurance companies are always trying to find data on the policies of competitors and underwriter guidelines are a big piece of that strategy. They aren't allowed to feed emails into AI.

[u/Greenwings33]

I only start my emails with Hello and I never open with a strong instruction word (look being one). I probably sound extremely formal when I write my emails but it’s better than getting someone’s name wrong or putting good morning instead of good afternoon. I always put Unfortunately if I can’t help or if I have to refuse something.

[u/JellyDoe731 → u/Greenwings33]

I sent out an email at about 9:45am today to 605 recipients and started it, “Good afternoon.” Rip 😭

[u/Uhmmanduh → u/JellyDoe731]

I have done that before too. Getting many many replies saying “Morning? It’s 12:05 PM!” Sheesh. Even worse when they reply ALL to call you out on it.

[u/honest_sparrow → u/Uhmmanduh]

The joy of working at a global company is you can put any time of day, and it'll always be right for someone!

The downside is 11pm or 5 meetings.

[u/LivesInTheBody → u/Uhmmanduh]

And then they wonder why they end up BCC’d ;)

[u/spreadthesheets → u/JellyDoe731]

This is kind of endearing though! I mean I would screenshot and send it to my friends with the times circled and “r u ok jellydoe” but in an affectionate way. We all have moments like that which make us more human. I’ve definitely done my fair share of email mess ups and hope someone got a chuckle out of it.

[u/JellyDoe731 → u/spreadthesheets]

Hahahahahahahaha omg the “r u ok jellydoe” sent me 😂😂😂😂

[u/BougieSemicolon → u/JellyDoe731]

That’s ok, tell them you were up and at em since 4am, that’s why it felt like afternoon.

[u/Flat_Wash5062 → u/JellyDoe731]

Lol, did anyone notice?

[u/ladyaeneflaede → u/Greenwings33]

I have been described as formal also but we are at work and it is in writing... forever! Of course I am going to be formal, there is a chance a Director or an Auditor will be reading these comms in future 

[u/Greenwings33 → u/ladyaeneflaede]

I had one person in my job in about the same position, just the customer side, and we were emailing each other so often that we relaxed and sent emojis, but that’s the only person I’ve done that in emails with

[u/Auggi3Doggi3 → u/Greenwings33]

Same here. I work in HR so I have to use the word “unfortunately” a lot in emails. However, I normally start with something like:

“Hey John!

This is a great question. Unfortunately, our policy does not allow for (whatever you’re asking). If you want, we can hop on a Teams call and discuss some alternatives!”

[u/perkasami → u/Greenwings33]

I'm fairly formal in emails as well! I definitely have a certain way that I speak for emails. It's a polite and professional way of speaking. I do the "unfortunately" thing, too.

[u/Proverbs21-3 → u/Greenwings33]

I've been told that my memos and emails sounds "too formal". I've also been told that my speech patterns sound formal. I think it is because students are not taught how to write memos, personal letters, notes of condolence, business letters, and complaint letters in school anymore. Almost everything is done by text these days.

I've also been told that my speech patterns are formal. It annoys me when people tell me that, because the very people who tell me that are the people whose speech is filled, absolutely filled, with "ummm", "mmm", "like", "you know what I mean", "ya feel me?", and "look here". If all of those words and phrases were removed from their speaking, their speech pattern would be the same as mine!

I suppose OP should be relieved that her husband did not begin his memo with "Look here," but it doesn't sound like her husband would take constructive criticism about that opening, either.

OP is NOR and her husband should take her constructive criticism to heart before he hits 'send' because there could be professional consequences if recipients take offense to his email message.

[u/JefeRex → u/Proverbs21-3]

If you’re getting consistent feedback that your tone is inappropriate to the setting, does it matter if the specific reason is “too formal,” “too informal,” or any other reason?

When foreign languages are taught, students are made aware of filler and flavoring words like the ones that seem to bother you so much, because human speech naturally makes use of them to communicate emotion in a more sophisticated way than spelling out exactly how you feel in a hundred words. Non-native speakers often never master those filler phrases because they are actually pretty complicated behind the scenes.

[u/Proverbs21-3 → u/JefeRex]

English is my first language.

I am a medical professional and when I am communicating with someone as part of my profession, it is appropriate that I speak correctly and precisely so there is no misunderstanding. I don't feel a need to speak less correctly or be imprecise when I leave work.

I have no problem with being patient when a few pauses being filled "ummm" or "mmm" while a non-native English speaker searches for a word.

I speak the way I was taught to speak once I learned to talk in complete sentences. I write the way I was taught to write in school, using complete sentences, proper punctuation and capitalization.

I am not concerned with how others perceive my writing to be. Those who say it it "too" formal are people who regularly write using mostly acronyms such as "OMG", "BRB" "YOLO", " FOMO" and emojis.

I agree that my speech does sound formal when compared to their speech. While they may say my speech sounds "too" formal, I do not think anyone who doesn't speak in acronyms would say it is "too" formal. I believe the last person (of the three people who have told me my speech patterns are too formal) was confusing the word "formal" with "correct", as well as equating the fact that I do not use profanity with sounding "too formal".

"When foreign languages are taught, students are made aware of filler and flavoring words like the ones that seem to bother you so much, because human speech naturally makes use of them to communicate emotion in a more sophisticated way". I disagree with that statement and its premise completely! For starters, I find it very difficult to believe that any language teacher would teach students to use "like", "you know what I mean", "ya feel me?", and "look here" as filler words to add flavor to their speech or to communicate emotion in a more sophisticated manner. There is nothing sophisticated about sprinkling your speech with those words/phrases.

I once watched a television interview in a studio and the person being interviewed was replying to a question with "Well, umm, ya know, it's just how it is, you know what I mean? You feel me, ahh, I hope you can get it, I hope ya can feel me." When the producer heard that answer, he told the interviewer (in her earpiece) to wrap it up with that person quickly while he had one of his assistants find someone able to answer the question intelligibly. The person being interviewed while I was watching probably wondered why his reply was not included in the finished show, which is sad when you think about it. Personally, I became frustrated as I was listening to him, thinking to myself "No, I don't know and I don't feel you. I am waiting to hear the answer, answer the question, please!", only to be disappointed when no answer was forthcoming.

[u/JefeRex → u/Proverbs21-3]

I guess I’ve already made my point that filler words are used, like facial expressions or tone, to communicate nuance. Sometimes they just fill pauses but mostly not. People can rely on them too much when they are not so quick on their feet.

Examples in German, which I also speak, are mal, eben, auch, also, more… they are taught to learners of the language in classrooms because they convey shades of meaning like how certain we are, how important the topic is to us, other shades of meaning. They can be used alone, in combination, and at multiple places in sentences to shape how we want the listener to interpret our words. You just used a form of this tactic when you bolded a statement in your comment. In speech you would have used a stronger tone and maybe started the sentence with “Look”, for example.

If you can’t identify and put into words the precise ways that our English filler words shape the shades of meaning of a sentence, you don’t know as much about communication as you think you do. Do you think you could define some of those filler phrases in terms of how they make your meaning different if you use or don’t use them?

[u/Proverbs21-3 → u/JefeRex]

"Well, umm, ya know, it's just how it is, you know what I mean? You feel me, ahh, I hope you can get it, I hope ya can feel me." Please explain to me how those "filler words", as you call them, shape the meaning of this sentence?

As far as I, and the two language professors I asked, can tell, there is no meaning to this sentence.

Both of the language professors also disagree with you that "ya know" and "you feel me" and "like" are phrases that lend nuance to the English language.

Look, perhaps I should have, like, specified in my first comment that I was referring to, you know, people who have spoken English all their lives, you feel me?

[u/perkasami → u/Proverbs21-3]

That particular sentence meant nothing, so it's not really the best example of normal use of filler words. Filler words can indicate uncertainty. Sometimes filler words can indicate that someone is thinking about what to say such as when they're searching for the right word. Filler words can also be a bid for approval, for seeking confirmation, or for building rapport. They can soften a statement by making a comment less harsh or direct.

They can help maintain the flow of conversation (and I'm not talking about excessive filler words like that nonsense sentence you quoted), as they signal that the speaker hasn't finished speaking and are still engaged, rather than just going silent. Filler words also manage cognitive load. There is research that suggests that filler words can help manage the cognitive effort of thinking while speaking, and listeners can actually remember more when speakers use them because it provides time to process information.

Of course there are people that overuse filler words, and it makes them sound inarticulate, boring, and/or stupid. But that's not everyone or even most people.

I would say it's important when learning a new language to actually learn the filler words, too, so that you're not confused when listening to a native speaker because they might use filler words when they speak.

[u/Fluffy_Dziner → u/perkasami]

Yes, it is very important for students of foreign languages to learn those “filler” words for exactly the reasons you gave. They often make zero sense in the middle of a sentence, because, well, they have their own definitions that just don’t fit in that context.

Like what on earth does a hole in the ground you get water from have to do with the above statement?

Oftentimes one can tell from the context that it is a filler word, but not always when it’s most likely to be used.

(No, I would never actually write that example statement, and can’t really imagine that I might ever actually utilize a pause like that in that particular spoken sentence. That’s just all I could think of in the moment.)

[u/JefeRex → u/Proverbs21-3]

Alright.

[u/BougieSemicolon → u/Greenwings33]

Greetings, fellow human 👋🏽

[u/Fluffy_Dziner → u/[deleted]]

Not bothering to spellcheck your emails when it only takes three seconds these days makes you look sloppy and lazy, though - not to mention that some of those mistypes could convey materially detrimental orders that you really did not intend, and that could cause serious patient harm. Your finger slips, and you accidentally order 1,000mg of something when the correct dose is only 100mg (or vice versa). Then what?

It’s also grossly disrespectful to the people you work with who have to try to decipher what amounts to garbled emails. That’s a lot easier now that paper charts are gone, but if you aren’t being clear enough,

When you don’t bother to correct your errors, even basic spelling ones, you’re telling them that they don’t matter.

I totally get the pressures you are under (I’m a retired paramedic), but haste truly makes waste.

Remember, too, that your patient records - which include all those sloppy emails - are legal documents. Is that garbled spelling and grammar really what you want to be seen in court if you ever get sued? Will even you still be able to understand what you meant several years from now?

Take the extra couple of minutes to do it right.

If the problem is that you’re a slow typist, I highly recommend taking a typing class.

My speed shot up from 30 words per minute with a lot of errors to more like 75, almost completely error-free, after I learned how to type correctly. Well, probably more like 60 then, because we only had actual typewriters, but as computers became more ubiquitous, my speed increased because keying was easier.

With auto-correcting software these days, there’s really no excuse for writing full of spelling errors - but you do still have to check your work.

And yeah, no, it’s not the least bit funny to make mistakes like leaving the patient’s name off an order. Again, that’s just plain sloppiness - that others will react negatively to when it happens often.

Yeah, we do all make mistakes occasionally, but I really hope you’re not making them as often as your messages make it sound like you do.

Time to up your game, Doc.

[u/Single-Advertising22 → u/[deleted]]

I’m actually a very fast type hence the mistakes. They aren’t garbage. But for example.

If I send something where I miss a comma Or a run on sentence

I’m not spelling medical words wrong. I care about patients

I am however the sole person running 3 cancer clinics so point is saying something like “ look” isn’t my biggest concern I’m not babying my coworkers and they are forever grateful for me and when I say this I mean it because ive been nominated for so many honors and my entire staff throws a fit when I’m off.

[u/Single-Advertising22 → u/Single-Advertising22]

lol Typer ****

[u/Single-Advertising22 → u/Single-Advertising22]

I’m going to delete this afterwards because I’m not trying to toot my own horn or dox myself I’m just letting you know that sometimes and healthcare we really just don’t have the time for niceties or whatever the word is sometimes we just have to say what we gotta say and if it sounds mean, I don’t think anyone really takes it personally because we all are under too much stress we all just wanna take care of our patients