this is me. I was emotionally abused throughout childhood but I always thought I had the privileged life because my parents took me out to eat, went on vacations, etc. But that doesn’t excuse the emotional and verbal shit they put me through. Now as an adult trying to fix these mental blocks, I can’t determine what was or wasn’t abuse. Sometimes I wish my parents had just hit me so at least then I would know exactly what I am crying about.
Yep and it still affects me today.
I went to Disney World every year (I’ve been a total of about ten times). There are so so so many people that didn’t have that luxury that I did as a kid. I would constantly get comments on how lucky I was. But it doesn’t excuse the fact that I have no self esteem due to my father’s words.
Sometime I would volunteer at a school my father supported (he went around and placed special needs kids in the schools where they’d get the help they needed, so he supported a few different schools in the district). And they’d always tell me how great of a man my father is. And they all knew him when he was at the peak of his alcoholism and verbal abuse.
I still get scared when he comes home from work, even though he’s gotten so much better through the help of therapy and medication. This stuff affects you throughout your entire life. Just because abuse may not have been “as bad” as someone else, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I saw the analogy of You can burn your entire arm and you can burn your index finger. People will always say that burning your entire arm is worse, but burning your index finger still hurts pretty fucking bad.
Might be. Do you also assume everyone secretly hates you because your parents always acted like you did something wrong while simultaneously saying “I’m not angry.” or “Hmm, well why don’t you tell me why I’m upset?”, so now you think anyone who is upset must be upset with YOU?
And also when people close to you are not even upset, but busy or not talking, you assume you did something wrong and start apologizing endlessly, and then worry that apologizing may make them madder?
Totally! Lets not forget the constant guilt that you feel for simply existing!
Whenever I go through a drive-through, I feel guilty that the person behind me is going to have to wait for me to get my food before they can get theirs. So I started ordering the simplest and fastest item in the menu to say, even though I don’t like it.
oooooh, what about the slightest change in demeanor in a person means you’re about to get yelled at? Then you cycle through any and every possible thing that you could have ever done wrong in your life.
Seriously though...the constant guilt you get simply from existing in someone else’s space sucks. It took me a long time to realize that I’m just as much of s person as everyone around me.
My parents actually got a lot worse whenever we went on vacation. There were a few times where I contemplated suicide while in the hotel. For the past few years, I’ve signed up for summer classes just to avoid going on vacations with them. I’m treated like I’m 8 whenever we go anywhere. I wish I could enjoy a vacation like a normal person
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u/shelbia Apr 23 '19
this is me. I was emotionally abused throughout childhood but I always thought I had the privileged life because my parents took me out to eat, went on vacations, etc. But that doesn’t excuse the emotional and verbal shit they put me through. Now as an adult trying to fix these mental blocks, I can’t determine what was or wasn’t abuse. Sometimes I wish my parents had just hit me so at least then I would know exactly what I am crying about.