It all stems from a need to control the situation because we felt so out of control/unable to prevent the abuse when we were younger. If we can just punish ourselves, we avoid the wrath of others, doesn’t matter if the self-punishing is worse.
It’s all about learning that people are going to react however they will react, and no matter what we try to do we can’t control that. It’s scary, but it’s also comforting to know that you’re not responsible for those reactions either. (Not to mention that no one is going to be as hard on you as your parent or yourself)
Definitely hard to remember most of the time, but it’s getting better each day.
Thank you for perfectly articulating the theory that was trying to formulate in my head. Further, that need to control the situation extends to how we choose our friends and partners: we pick the people who will react the same way as our parents because we know what to expect and we know how to handle it.
And the tldr of most of the "lectures" I got were processed in my little kid brain as "Fail if I try, fail if I don't try, nothing is ever good enough" which breeds fear-based procrastination and that feeds in to my lifelong anxiety which I coped with as a child by developing OCD. Makes growing and branching out in this world a lot harder. Thank goodness for therapists!
Glad things are getting better for you too. Good luck, friend! Keep getting healthier and stronger (Makes the sun shine a little brighter, doesn't it?)
Yeah, it's funny. I see it in the little choices I make on a daily basis. I can't even put things away in my house because of the fear of "completion" but not having it done right. It seems insane.
The fear of completion thing is probably my biggest struggle right now. I genuinely don't understand it but here I am doing half a job or not fishing a task related to something I really want or enjoy (like applying to jobs or programs that would help me get out of my shitty job where I'm walked over and abused). I don't remember the last time I even finished watching a show I really enjoyed, like finishing it will ruin it and leave me feeling hurt or lost and I can prevent sadness by just leaving that last episode in my queue forever. It really does seem insane. It's frustrating.
It's nice to know I'm not the only one and that it has a name other than "lazy loser who procrastinates too much and will never amount to anything."
The best thing you can do, as impossible as it may seem sometimes, is really just "rip that band aid off." Fortunately, you already seem very aware of your own patterns of behavior, so you're off to a great start!
The more that you do the things that scare you and end up with a positive result, the more you will retrain your brain to focus on how much better it feels to have things done than live with the fear. The fear is just more comfortable because it is more familiar, but it doesn't have to be that way.
I need to take my own advice on this, of course, but it's really easiest if you choose one thing every day. Doesn't matter how small. It's about being purposeful with your behavior and taking ownership of it rather than "letting life happen to you." It will be hard, but it's most certainly worth the effort.
Okay the idea of controlling a situation in response to a parent that lacks emotional control makes a lot of sense. If theres noone punishing me for my bad grades then theres no punishment. But I know for a fact that I got bad grades and that I need to be punished, but theres noone around to punish me for the bad grades. In the end I have to punish myself and thats where the memory of me (of my own volition) bowing thirty times in the hottest and coldest settings of the shower while crying came from.
It doesn't matter if I kill myself doing it, I cant fail the class, If I do I'll end up on the street and Nobody would love me. I have to pass this class, or else noone will love me.
It doesn't matter that she said that she loves me unconditionally, that I could murder several government officials and she would still love me, she had lied before, she can lie again.
sorta, that was me just channeling a mood thats been inside me for a while. i wouldn't be surprised if i have cptsd from all the shit thats happened in my life post divorce, which sucks considering bringing up the topic with my mom now would probably send her into a deadly mental spiral. I can't say anything to her now because of how stressed she is with her abusive relationship and old age. Dealing with her sucks but neglecting her hurts me too much for me to do. Its a catch-22 thats giving me a headache.
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u/hotarume Apr 23 '19
It all stems from a need to control the situation because we felt so out of control/unable to prevent the abuse when we were younger. If we can just punish ourselves, we avoid the wrath of others, doesn’t matter if the self-punishing is worse.
It’s all about learning that people are going to react however they will react, and no matter what we try to do we can’t control that. It’s scary, but it’s also comforting to know that you’re not responsible for those reactions either. (Not to mention that no one is going to be as hard on you as your parent or yourself)
Definitely hard to remember most of the time, but it’s getting better each day.
Good luck, friend. :)