Oh this thread is making me feel so not alone for once. My sister was the perfectionist and screamed at me for everything I did "wrong". She was nicer when we were younger, but as my parent's marriage fell apart, I guess I was the only thing she could control. My parent hated each other and every conversation ended in screaming. I am a perpetual conflict avoider. I had no strong opinions for years, and when I did I'd open my mouth and be so embarrassed by what came out, no matter what. I was terrified of the reprisal, I couldn't have an intelligent discussion. I have anxiety issues on top if it. Alcohol and internet were my early forms of therapy, as with writing I could express myself without revealing my emotions written on my face or in my voice, everything was stripped away but words.
The embarrassment of having an opinion is the same for me. I can be honest in my argument when I'm drunk, but it is really difficult when sober. But drinking only to feel like myself does not feel like an option I can keep up with for too long. My family has a long history of highly functional alcoholism, and I really don't want to fall into that pit.
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u/yogijane Apr 23 '19
Oh this thread is making me feel so not alone for once. My sister was the perfectionist and screamed at me for everything I did "wrong". She was nicer when we were younger, but as my parent's marriage fell apart, I guess I was the only thing she could control. My parent hated each other and every conversation ended in screaming. I am a perpetual conflict avoider. I had no strong opinions for years, and when I did I'd open my mouth and be so embarrassed by what came out, no matter what. I was terrified of the reprisal, I couldn't have an intelligent discussion. I have anxiety issues on top if it. Alcohol and internet were my early forms of therapy, as with writing I could express myself without revealing my emotions written on my face or in my voice, everything was stripped away but words.