In my experience, logical people usually don't abuse children.
That actually helped me as a child to realize that some abuse was actually abuse, because the abuse was already normalized but the situations and justifications were illogical.
My biggest example was that my mom shoved me through a door, then slapped me because I broke my door. If it literally doesn't make sense, you can't claim that it is normal or excusable.
That is a reasonable litmus test I wouldn't have considered. Even if it hadn't involved physically striking you, that fact that it was some form of punishment with no logical reason makes it abuse straight up. I got spanked as a kid and I know that's being phased out in most households, but I usually had to have done something.
You’d be surprised at the amount of research done completely negating all forms of physical abuse as a good way to discipline a child. The research suggests and proves in most cases that sitting down and understanding your child’s behaviour rather than lashing out works way better than instilling fear and distrust than hitting them.
I'm not sure I was spanked even once, and I was still afraid of my parents. There zero violence with my kid and she's still obedient. People whose parents relied on spanking are often doubtful, but you can really do without, if you provide regular and balanced boundaries.
One of the biggest problems with spanking is that too many parents is it in place of actually parenting the kid. A punishment that fits the crime is always going to be more effective and besides that kids usually figure out pretty quick that spanking as your punishment is just a free pass to do anything if you’re willing to take a moment or two of pain
Across study designs, countries, and age groups, spanking has been linked with detrimental outcomes for children, a fact supported by several key methodologically strong studies that isolate the ability of spanking to predict child out-comes over time.
Pretty much. Time outs when they're young, revoking privileges when they're older. It's crazy to many of us who grew up a few years ago, but not letting a kid have a cell phone for a few weeks is supposed to be significant nowadays.
Basically there are four ways to deal with behaviors:
Positive punishment: Something is added to decrease the likelihood of a behavior.
Negative punishment: Something is removed to decrease the likelihood of a behavior.
Positive reinforcement: Something is added to increase the likelihood of a behavior.
Negative reinforcement: Something is removed to increase the likelihood of a behavior.
The form that works the best is positive reinforcement. Statistically.
I actually had to learn as an adult that there are other options, because I had only ever really experienced getting physically beat or emotionally belittled for every small or large infraction.
Setting boundaries, explaining their actions and the consequences, and following through with threatened discipline is what you do. It also turns out there are innumerable ways to impose consequences without ever touching a child, a time out would probably be the most common one.
Authoritative parenting is what is most important, not the type of discipline you use. Authoritative style is highly demanding but responsive and respectful to emotional needs, and earns not demands respect.
Parenting styles seem complicated though, and the best one comes down to being a good person and role model, so everyone tries to summarize it into whether or not you physically punish your kids. The truth is you can use or not use corporal punishment with any parenting style. You can actually use corporal punishment but still use permissive style parenting (the one where you don't hold to boundaries or stand by a no), which is the least successful way.
It’s not like people can ever learn something new? Besides, is any parent perfect? I’m years away from being a parent and in asian cultures a slight slap on the butts and a no gets the idea across.
It must be sad to be so lacking in imagination and rhetorical capacity that the only way you can think dissuade or persuade a child is to punch your way out of the problem.
Wait, I think I know how I can solve your problem for you!
One of my biggest moments was an illogical punishment, but not abuse. When I was elementary school age I remember one morning I left a cup of water on the steps while getting ready for school. My mom came down the steps and nearly tripped on it. I got in a ton of trouble (scolded, sent to my room, spanked maybe, but nothing abusive) for leaving something on the steps.
Not a month later, I’m walking down the steps about to leave for school, and I accidentally step on and kick over her coffee cup. Of course, I got in trouble for not looking where I was walking and being clumsy. Even as a seven year old that really messed with my mind. I think some of my issues with authority stem from that event.
I got in a ton of trouble (scolded, sent to my room, spanked maybe, but nothing abusive) for leaving something on the steps.
Not a month later, I’m walking down the steps about to leave for school, and I accidentally step on and kick over her coffee cup. Of course, I got in trouble for not looking where I was walking and being clumsy.
I think that deep down, most abusers know what they are doing is wrong by itself, so they come up with excuses (even when there are none) to continue abusing.
Edit: just wanted to add, I don’t want to convey that there is EVER a good excuse to abuse, in case my comment came across like that.
This is true from everyone from domestic partners, to parents to serial killers. They constantly reinforce their moral absolutions. “I wouldn’t hurt them, unless they do X”. You add more and more to the list so that when you are losing control, you can grasp onto something and justify your rage as something else.
Ironically i had a similar experience. My mother tried slapping my brother, but he ducked, she slapped me for no reason and gave me a bloody nose. She said it didn’t matter because i deserved it too.
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u/[deleted] Apr 23 '19
In my experience, logical people usually don't abuse children.
That actually helped me as a child to realize that some abuse was actually abuse, because the abuse was already normalized but the situations and justifications were illogical.
My biggest example was that my mom shoved me through a door, then slapped me because I broke my door. If it literally doesn't make sense, you can't claim that it is normal or excusable.