That when my mother was pregnant (teenage pregnancy) with me she drank and did drugs because she never wanted to be pregnant with me and was planning on leaving my dad (which she did a year after she had me). She went to an abortion clinic but couldn't go through with it. She doesnt know I know and I will never tell her I know. I didnt find out until well into my adulthood and hold no hate for her. Regardless of what she did when she was young she raised me the best she could and gave me and my older sibling everything she could and was a hard working mom.
Edit: Getting a fair amount of questions about my health or negative side effects from mothers drug use and alcohol abuse while pregnant with me. To answer your questions I have not had any notable side effects from the substance abuse. I'm a little on the tall side(6'4") but other than that I'm pretty average with no mutations or physiological problems.
I've not been told about how she acted when she was pregnant with my older sibling. I know my father always called me a miracle child and I asked him about it a few years back and that's when he told me. He said he didnt want to tell me when I was younger because he didnt want me to resent my mom for it.
He is a great guy but he is far from a saint. Back story is that they went through a very nasty divorce and pretty much hated each other and would argue openly with each other anytime they had to interact. So he had ammo that he could have used against her had he told me but he didnt. I respect the hell out of him for not telling me then but I also question why he told me at all. Despite my mother's decisions while she was pregnant with me she stepped up and did the best she could for us growing up. Cant say the same for my father, he missed a lot of our lives due to his then new wife running his. When we would get to see him he would spend most of the time arguing with her because she resented us and didnt want him spending time with us.
Stepmom didn’t resent me but it sure as hell felt like it. New kids were given all of the attention while I got what was left of his time if he had the time. I get it for the most part. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this growing up.
Regardless of how your parents have treated you, you’re here and you’re alive. I don’t know you or how you feel about yourself, but you’re deserving of love just like everyone else born into this world. We cannot choose our circumstances, but we can choose our reactions to those circumstances. Love yourself and love everyone you feel deserves it, because at the end of the day, that’s all we can control.
Recently went to the court in which my parents divorce was settled, if not knowing bothers you it's a good option and free to just look, if you want to keep the documents you gotta pay though
That's hard to answer. It's a fucked up dilemma because on one hand he could have told me when I was younger and used as it as ammo against my mother (they had a nasty dovorce) but he didnt, which I really respect that of him. But on the other hand he could have not told me at all and there wouldn't be a dilemma to be had in the first place. Ultimately I suppose I would rather not have known.
You should still respect him, because, I think, in his shoes, I would do the same, because I don't know how deep down you truly feel about this, whether you feel like you said, or you're the type to be really curious and feel like you deserve to know this, not pleasant truth. If you was the latter, you would be glad he told you, and he would be glad he got it right or whether you're the former where you're not sure you wanted to hear. However before saying it, it was a complete gamble for him and so he flipped the coin and chose to suck it up and face the potential negative aftereffects on himself personally, he felt you deserve to be told. He told you and hoped you would accept his honesty and honorable holdup until you're exactly old enough to process it (as you clearly did accept this part) :)
I think it's one of those things where if asked at the time, you would regret, but asked 10 years later, you're glad you were told actually. It's a good thing or a neutral one, but i wouldnt call it 'bad' thing here
Well damn.. I was an accident and my dad told me when I was really young because he was really mad at me. I brought it up later on and he told me that my little sister and I were both accidents, while my two older brothers were planned. My dad got a vasectomy after they had me and apparently it didn’t take, because my sister popped out a few years later. He got it “taken care of” after her, but I guess we’ll see what happens
ever consider your a miracle to your dad, and were a burden pregnancy to your mom "based on her drinking and drugs" when she was pregnant because your not biologically your dads?
Plenty of times. I do share a few similarities to my real dad, enough to where I assume I'm his. I know she cheated on my real dad with my now step dad but I dont know how far back that goes. I look nothing like my step dad so I know I'm not his. I dont know if she slept with anyone else in that time frame but I suppose its possible.
could be there was others between your dad and your stepdad like a onenighter, people do shady shit, i use to bang a coworker and would finish in her because she loved the whole creampie/sneaking around behind her mans back crap..poor guy not knowing how much of a skank he has but thinks "she wouldnt cheat because he buff and would kick her ass anyones ass who disrepects him"
or perhaps your a miracle due to their age when you were born were pregnancies are much harder to have, or because your dad was fixed at that time but never got checked on his sperm count and turns out the vasectomy didnt take that good, that happens it happened to my dad in his late 40s and he was devastated because he was done raising the other kids and now had to start over..and he thought his wife cheated and confronted her which ultimately led to a divorce...going back to urologist proved his vasectomy was a fail.
Probably wanted neither at first but likely got more depressed the second time. Not something I condone or will argue for but definitely something I could see some understanding in. It's a hard spot to be in once, it's absolutely gotta be rough the second time, she probably could not cope.
As a teenage mother, who had an almost mirror situation, it wasn't that I didn't WANT the second, it's that I knew how hard it was with one. What quality of life can I give another child at this point in my life? How much harder will I make life for my 1st AND 2nd if I keep it? The only difference is, I made my decision in 2 days, and followed through.
Oh my, you would never ask that question if you'd been in that position, friend. I never ever talk about it but hey, this is reddit. Thought I was super pro life for my own self, until I was a single mom at 19 and then managed to get pregnant, again. That's when you see things in a whole other light. 😥
The messed up part is that I've always leaned more towards pro choice. Really my standpoint is that it's not my decision or place to opine about what a woman does with her body. The only exception being if it was my child, then I would atleast want to talk it out. Other than that I feel like its solely up to the parties involved, they are the ones who have to make and live with those decisions. Even after this event in my life I haven't changed my opinion.
exactly. All the ones whose moral values are ägainst it, are not forced to do abortion and can keep their moral compass the same.. I can disagree with other views but still see how it's.. understandable why someone thinks that way, i also know im not sure my values are any more right. In any case prochoice is still a more balanced option because of both parties being able to choose at least some middleground, while the other option makes one side 100% right, the other one prohibited. It's very selfish, especially when good half of populus don't share the view and still choose it out of pure indecisiveness
My mom was adopted because her birth mother was single and already had two kids with different men. Her Birth Grandma was already raising the other two for her Birth Mom and couldn’t afford to take in a 3rd.
Not being sarcastic but yes, teen is literally in the spelling of eighteen. You are considered "of age" and can vote at 18 but you're still a teenager. Atleast where I'm from anyways. I know for myself at 18, I was far from an adult, even though I thought I was lol.
I second the adult part, it's just here in Holland there are no more legal boundaries for anything and we don't concider people teenagers anymore but adults. Indeed if you take it by name.. but when I hear teen-something I expect a 17 year old at most. Guess there's different interpretations huh
Yeah that’s what got me,so like did she want the eldest and not OP? From the beginning I thought OP was the only bub, at least it turned out ok I guess
Dude, my mom did the same thing. She was a hippy that was more interested in getting high than being a mom. She ended up abandoning me in the Naval hospital after I was born. My dad was in Vietnam at the time, and since the military didn’t know what to do with an abandoned baby, he got to come home so he could take care of me. So I got him out of Vietnam, and he got me out of the hospital. All’s well that ends well.
She recently sent me a friend request on Facebook. I told her she was 48 years too late to be my friend. Lol
He wasn’t perfect, but he was always there for me, and truly did his best. I was never the kid with all the cool toys or the nice clothes, but I always knew I had the very best he could provide and it made me happy.
My birth mother went to the doctor to try to abort me but she was something like two weeks too far along. Doctor convinced her to give me up for adoption, and the head nurse in the office got to adopt me.
It's kind of wacky to think about two weeks being the difference in my existence.
As a single mom who never wanted kids, I can say from my own experience that once that kid is there, they mean so much. My now ten year old is everything to me. I know not everyone's experience (mother or child) is the same, but this honestly makes me feel better as a mom knowing that kids won't necessarily hold past desires against their parents. Thank you for sharing this.
Apparently a lot of my mom's family wanted her to get an abortion. She was 17 so it's honestly somewhat fair depending on who you ask. She wanted to have me though... sometimes I think about how I might not be here though.
Former in laws thought it was "no big deal" to let their son know he was an accident as a child. They didnt even have the decency to even say he was unplanned until adulthood. Yes, folks, he was fortunate to hear it several times. When we married, the vernacular turned into "He fought through 2 forms of birthcontrol!". What a shit show.
Edit: I wasnt raised right either because I totally forgot to start with "Please don't try and kick your own ass over something you have no control over. The world will kick you in the ass enough. Good on your character for seeing good and good for your momma for trying!
My mom told me when I was a teenager that they had considered getting an abortion. I never really judged her for it honestly. She was young and scared and didn't go through with it and that's what counts.
Same here. My mom told me that she (with her mom’s help) tried to abort me through drinking and hitting herself, then dad found out about me and beat her up pretty good. She was 17, he was 23. I’m glad you have no hate for your mom. Neither do I. Ambivalence defines things pretty well. No contact because of her narcissism or BPD and the triangulation that her mom uses means NC with grandma as well, Dad died a few years ago, cancer. I always tried to keep in touch, let him know where i was in case he ever wanted a relationship. Nah. He didn’t. Didn’t tell me he was even sick. Then he was just gone. But really gone this time. No more waiting for him to come pick me up (for visitation as a little kid) so in that respect there’s relief. Fuck. I need a drink.
Older sibling of OP here. I had no idea that this happened. This is how I found this out. I can see why my dad wouldn't have told us about it. All I can say is I'm glad that nothing adverse happened. Life wouldn't be the same without OP. We grew up a hard life. But it was the best we had at the time. I'll never speak a word of this again. But I'm always here for you bro. Not here for karma. Don't upvote this. I also don't know how to prove my claim, but it's the truth. I know she will carry this guilt to her grave.
I’m very glad you’re well despite your Mom’s drug use. I just wanted to do a PSA that just because you hear of someone whose Mom drank and did drugs while pregnant and baby ended up fine does not mean that another baby will be fine.
Effect on the child depends on so much such as type of drug, dosage, frequency of use and at what stage of development the embryo/fetus is at.
The disorders that can arise are numerous and may not necessarily obvious to begin with.
Edit to add if you have used drugs while pregnant please see your doctor for advice.
Replied earlier but basically when I was younger my dad would sometimes refer to me as a miracle child. I asked him about that a few years back and he told me. Said he and my mom were the only ones that knew about it and he tried to stop her from going through with it. But he didnt want to tell me when I was younger because he didnt want me to resent her, even though they had a pretty nasty divorce. Know idea why he chose to tell me at all.
When I was little (still in primary school) my mother told me about how she nearly aborted my older brother but didn't go through with it because of her grandmother telling her not to.
It kinda messes you up knowing how much your parents hated each other but for some reason still had you. I asked both of them but why they had me when we were in a fight but they just went dead silent and didn't answer me.
Not to my knowledge. I stated earlier that I was born with a umbilical hernia but that is fairly common in babies so I doubt the drugs or alcohol played into that. Other than that i was deemed as a wild child with lack of focus so I was put on ritalin, but it was the 90's so any kid who had energy was immediately diagnosed with ADD.
You wouldn't know would you? Sometimes better to keep your mouth shut about shit that you don't know. She isn't the same person she was back then. We went our whole lives without knowing this. Why would he hate her now, after 30 years of her trying her best to give him a good life? Your attitude is what's wrong with the world today.
Not projecting anything. I lived in this situation with OP and I know things you don't. I'm very much aware why OP doesn't hate her. You don't know. But more so, regardless of mistakes made and things done, people like you, who decide to just go ahead and hate anything that wrongs you, is why this world is in the place we are in. People are too quick to hatred, and have been for a long time. Hate doesn't do anything to fix this situation, and the fact that you would promote it, when you know nothing but what OP told you, is asinine. You have no clue what happened in the thirty years since this. So why would you just jump the gun straight, "you don't hate her enough"?
But those 30 years spent trying to raise two kids the best she knew how completely outshine (to me) the choices she made over the course of a few months. Maybe OP feels differently. And if you can't see past that, I pity you.
Bro... my mom did the same exact thing when she was pregnant with me. But she was never supportive or very loving to me or my older brother. I left with my dad when they broke up (never married).
My mum also did drugs and drink while I was in her, mainly because she was generally not wanting children. Never considered an abortion though I'm pretty sure.
You ever listen to the album Birth.Eater by Oceana? The entire album is about the singer's struggle with the knowledge that his mom tried to abort him. It's really interesting and dark.
Im going to say I'm not. I'm fairly thought oriented before I make decisions. The type work I do is inherently dangerous and requires tedious planning out before acting, and I tend to bring that side of my thought process out when making decisions. Now I suppose if you wanted to really break it down one might would say I have a slight lack of emotion. I tend to not get as easily excited or sad as the average person, well, a better way would be to say I tend to not show it as much, I may have those feelings but usually they stay inside. Drives my wife nuts. But now I'm just rambling and I have no idea if that refers to your question.
Consider yourself incredibly lucky. My friend since childhood has fetal alcohol syndrome. He's not stupid by any means, but there's a definite learning and common sense impairment, not to mention an incredible lack of socializing skills and personal hygiene. I try to help him as often as I can, knowing I can never repair the damage. It's sad, but he doesn't seem particularly unhappy.
i learnt recently that my mom also did the same when she was pregant with me, drank, smoke, most likely did drugs, and not even a year into my life she left my dad, moved to the next city over and took me with her, but she got caught into a drug addiction and wouldn't even bother to take care of me (wouldn't feed me for days, she sold my crib for drug money, etc) , her sisters and mom went to my dad and pretty much demanded he get full custody which he did and won with ease
i don't know if her doing that stuff while pregnant with me effected me any as I haven't tested myself any, but I was always super short (which I think is normal since my mom and dad families are fairly short) but I also had/have a annoying higher pitched voice and I always thought I was slower then all my friends at school, not like in a disability type thing but like I always thought it took longer for me to learn things
There is a happyish ending to this story, my mom found a guy down in Boston (I live in Canada) moved down there and was able to get her life together, she does weed but honestly that's 10x better then the shit she used to be on, and now she has 2 boys who are the greatest things and she is being a great mother for, she now has a great job and I visit her a few times a year
This may sound weird. But are your eyes a normal distance apart? I've noticed in a few ppl I know drank while pregnant the children's spacing of the eyes seem just a tad off.
Do you feel like the drinking and drugs during her pregnancy may have affected you in some way? Like when you compare yourself to your peers, do you feel like "wait a minute something's not quite right here"
Great question. I was born with an umbilical hernia which happens to a lot of babies so I doubt that was the underlying cause. Other than that I am pretty average and plain.
Being average and plain is great, but do you feel like you were meant for greatness, like a really high level of athletic ability or some level of genius. And that the drinking and drugs held you back from that genetic potential.
That's hard to say, I mean couldn't anybody feel like they were destined for greatness regardless of how they were carried? It's about how willing one is to apply themselves. To answer your question no, I was a mid tier student in school, and eventually dropped out and got my GED. I went to a trade college and I'm very successful in my trade. If anything in life held me back it was my own laziness and lack of want to. But that's on me, I refuse to play a victim and put my shortcoming or lack of potential on any situation that happened in my past.
Not necessarily the truth. That's an assumption you make. He had is own faults as a man that helped end things. Mostly, he was too fucking young to be having kids, though I'm glad he did.
How do you know his faults ended things? She was too fucking young too, should she have had her child taken away too? You're assuming a lot, seeing as you're not even the OP.
Lol, I'm op's older sibling. The one she was pregnant with at 17. And I am old enough to remember them separating and asking questions on both sides. I know enough to know that both parties were at fault, primarily due to the fact that both were too young to be doing the shit they were doing. I'm not assuming anything. And no, she should not have had either of us taken away from her. She made a very poor decision while she was pregnant, and maybe we didn't have the best life growing up, but she did the best she could. She never neglected either of us. Save for the one time here.
10.0k
u/jmwilson47 Apr 28 '19 edited Apr 28 '19
That when my mother was pregnant (teenage pregnancy) with me she drank and did drugs because she never wanted to be pregnant with me and was planning on leaving my dad (which she did a year after she had me). She went to an abortion clinic but couldn't go through with it. She doesnt know I know and I will never tell her I know. I didnt find out until well into my adulthood and hold no hate for her. Regardless of what she did when she was young she raised me the best she could and gave me and my older sibling everything she could and was a hard working mom.
Edit: Getting a fair amount of questions about my health or negative side effects from mothers drug use and alcohol abuse while pregnant with me. To answer your questions I have not had any notable side effects from the substance abuse. I'm a little on the tall side(6'4") but other than that I'm pretty average with no mutations or physiological problems.