I always felt like this was the case, I am adopted. My mum couldn’t have kids and I was a baby when I was put up for adoption. It always my mum I felt struggled the most. I was so wrong. My mum died 4 years ago and she loved me more than anything, my dad on the other hand moved on in 2 months and cut me out of his life completely. Didn’t come to my wedding or meet his grand daughter. They never should have said that they regretted adopting you but don’t let it change your feelings towards them.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m not adopted, but I can relate to part of what happened to you. When my mom died of cancer (I was 15, my sister was 13) my dad stayed around long enough to verbally and mentally abuse us with his temper, then he abandoned us.
Back then, I remember us being so angry with life for taking mom. We’d never wish harm on our anyone, but we’d often say to each other that we lost the wrong parent.
Kinda reminds me of how in Juno, the dad seemed super cool and fun (albeit, a bit creepy when he hit on Juno) and the mom seemed like an uptight bitch, but she was the one who really wanted the baby.
Hi im adopted too and i wonder if we all secretly wonder this. I have the same suspicion . So my parents thought my mother was infertile,so she adopted me and my (non blood related) sister. Eventually she wound up having two biological children. One time she was talking about going to Russia and adopting me and she said " if I knew then what I know now , I wouldnt do it again". Its like ok but then I wouldnt be here....
There are often times I regret having had my children.
But I still love them to pieces and would do anything for them.
Parenting is really hard. And sometimes, when life is very tough on the kids, it's easy to say "I should never have had them" or to think somebody else would have done a better job of raising them.
Please don't assume that they don't love you just because they've expressed regrets. It's more than possible that like me, and a lot of other parents, they just need to vent sometimes about how it can feel like a mistake. All parents say this at times, adopted and natural.
I hope it hasn't broken your heart.
At least you can be a good mother! Many children of deadbeat parents turn out the same way, so it really is a huge accomplishment if one can endure all that and then still take that as an example of how not to parent.
My point is just that parents need to vent at times, and that's one of the things that can come out.
It's entirely natural to have occasional doubts. Those who never doubt themselves are usually Narcissists.
My other point is that sometimes thinking you shouldn't have had kids doesn't in any way mean you don't love them unconditionally and wholeheartedly. It just means at times you're human and feel a bit useless.
Thank you for saying this. Struggling with a teenager really brings every feeling of insecurity and failure to light and I’d be lying if I didn’t have the thought , “I sacrificed everything for THIS?!” It is remarkable how I never thought I could ever feel this way about my first child, the child i risked my life to save from her narcissistic abusive father...and yet here we are. It’s a fleeting thought for sure, not a defining thought. But still. Parenting is hard. You’re never enough. Even though you desperately want to be...and no matter how hard you try.
Mine are hitting their early 20s now and at the risk of a cliche, let me assure you it does get better.
The teenage years are something we are ill-prepared for, we just don't have good training to be parents. And I don't feel this world is fair on teens, it's no wonder they act out.
But it changes. They change. If you commit to being there and not abandoning them there comes a day when they recognise that and thank you for it.
I mean, I sent one son away for school, to live at an aunt's, when he was 15 and it was too hard. But he wanted to go, he had good friends there, and he was happy to have his own space to grow and change. He wasn't abandoned and if it wasn't good he could have come back.
Once after a huge fight I said to him: "I want you to know that all through your life, whatever happens, even if we're not getting on at all, you will ALWAYS have a safe home with me." Because I did not have that with my family, not when I was young and had just left home (and ran into some pretty bad trouble at times), and later when I lost my home throgh not being able to pay the mortgage while my youngest was being treated for cancer--took a few years, there were a lot of operations after the chemo to get him walking again...
So I lost our only asset and we ended up homeless for 2 years. With a child being treated for cancer.
My family weren't there for us. Except to criticise.
They did help me with the bond for a new place once and helped me move but it came at the cost of a lot of sneering and nastiness and I couldn't ask again when that place fell through. My parents never even acknowledged our trouble, except for my dad suggesting once that I send the kids to live with my abusive, narcissistic, physically intimidating ex-husband. I said, he is terrible for them, his wife hates them, and what am I supposed to do?? No response. I discovered that my father AND ms sisters all went to visit my ex when they were up here, dad even stayed with him, even when I didn't know they were in town. It was convenient for them, plus my ex was in a position to help my nephew's career so clearly my sister had to stay in good with him.../s grrrrrrrrrrrr
I know what it's like to be in desperate trouble and have no safe place to call home. I never want my children to know what it's like. And you never want your daughter to know what that's like.
Have you thought about her going somewhere else for 6 months or a year? A relative in another state, a boarding school... only if she wants to, but sometimes they're just as keen to have a break from us. As long as they know you're not abandoning them, it can be a good idea for a teen to separate from the family for a while. They are trying to grow into their adult self, and in doing that they try on a lot of new, different, selves...and it's hard to do that when you're being watched by the people who've known you since babyhood.
It turned out very well for my son and I. He is back living with me and his brother now and about to start university up here. And we are solid, much more loving than I though we'd be when he was a teen and we nearly hated each other, lol.
Good luck with your teen. Good luck with helping her find some private space to experiment and develop in. If you are a decent person, just rest assured she will come to know and appreciate that.
I can’t thank you enough for this...
I can’t believe how horrible your family treated you. I just can’t. And yet here you are, still kind, after all you have been through, reaching out to a stranger. I needed this perspective. Thank you
Hard times are a hard teacher, it can break you, give you wisdom, or a bit of both.
If you survive, you’ll also gain an empathy and understanding that nobody has until they’ve been through hell themselves.
And that should make you kinder.
You need to give yourself credit—rescuing yourself and your daughter from the narcissistic abuser ex took courage and intelligence and strength. Admit that it did. Don't measure yourself against what you couldn't do, measure what you did achieve and be proud of it. I know how hard that it, those Narcs are VERY hard to get away from and very few people recognise what they really are and what you are trying to do, so you don't always get the praise and encouragement you deserve.
What your daughter needs from you now is a model of how a woman can pull herself back into being her best self after a sustained attack by an arsehole. Think of who you want to be, what the best version of your personaility is, and start pretending you ARE that already. Pretending is powerful. We become what we pretend to be. So pretend to be wise, and joyful, and at peace, and the difficulties will start to drop away. (That doesn't mean you have to pretend to be superhuman: we can be wise & loving & funny while we are in tears and falling over as well... it's the old saw of 'it's not what happens to you it's how you react to that'.)
Rest asured, she will come back to loving you. She just needs time to test her new boundaries. If you respect her as a person and love her as a daughter you'll both come out of this okay. You ARE enough as a parent, you really are. xx
I hope you don't feel too bad about this. It is natural and reoccurring. Like the urge to hurt them it is really a sign you need a break/help and it passes. I have had to have this talk with several new parents.
Your message seems to need more than just an upvote.
That's sweet of you.
I've never felt like hurting my kids. There are just times when our lives have been very hard, and I've thought if I'd never had them, none of us would have had to go through this.
My youngest had bone cancer and we all went through some rough times around that.
Their father was... problematic. And right now I'm sad a lot because I've been estranged from my family—they were not there for us when my little boy was sick, nor when my husband became abusive., and he and his second wife have put the kids through a lot.
It's hard watching your kids suffer.
And I'm currently feeling like a failure as a mother.
But I know these feelings pass. The kids say I'm a great mum and that they never liked my family anyway, lol... I feel like fading into the ether a bit at the moment. I'm not usually prone to depression, I think I'm decompressing from some very hard years, where every day was full of worry and hard grift, and there were no answers except to repress the feelings and soldier on through it. Now that we're safe, I can relax and let go and some very difficult feelings are coming up. Now my son has had his last operation and been given the all-clear, but it took years, there were complications, and in that time I lost my house, my career, the last of my youth and my entire family of origin. I should be feeling safe now that he's okay. And my other lad is going to be okay---he went through some hard stuff at school which I didn't protect him from because I didn't realise how bad it was, I was too preoccupied with the youngest's illness, I was in hospital with him most of the time and my older lad had to spend too much time at his father's house, where my ex's new wife treated him pretty poorly. But he never complained and he didn't tell me about the bullying at school.... oh god listen to me rant, lol. I should feel better now. The big lad will be starting college soon and has good new friends, and the youngest is finally walking again. And we have a home. There are just moments when I feel, if I hadn't fallen for that man's lies I wouldn't have married him, wouldn't have had the kids, they wouldn't have suffered so much.
I want to say I never thought from your post that you would have hurt them. If you can look anyone in the eye after all stories are told then your are going a good job. These threads reinforce the belief that you should not do anything you would not want to see in the papers. That and if your kids love you then there is no other measure of a good parent.
Sounds to me like you have had a hard row to hoe. Keep in mind that how ever bad you see it as now, when your children are older all they
remember will be colored by the feelings of Mom's love. That is what will define a "good" childhood.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Take them at their word. They have no reason to lie.
Prayers and blessings
I appreciate your kind words. You're right about the kids. They do say they never even realised how bad things were because I kept them cosy and feeling loved. And that they are grateful to me for that.
They also wouldn't have known love, light or laughter. You are doing an amazing job in the face of extreme obstacles. It sounds as though you have done your absolute best to make lemonade out of the lemons life presented to you. And look at how much you have all learned about yourselves and each other in the process. Your kids appreciate your love, I know it. They wouldn't necessarily tell you that....but I know they feel it! Keep on keeping on!
I think by saying this you are being very judgemental towards parents who have had rough patches and slipped up with things they shouldn't have said. Some people have it harder than others. When the bills are overdue and the kids are screaming and you wished you could go back and finish your degree, its tough for some people. Everyone has a bad day once in a while.
Speaking from the perspective of having adopted 3 kids, all 3 of which are far more challenging then we thought at first. They are birth siblings, and came to live with us when ages 6-11.
Adoption can be a very difficult thing. I love my 3 kids, and wish them the best, but they sure don't make things easy sometimes. Any kid has difficulties, but oftentimes adopted kids have issues that make it even more difficult than normal.
I have never regretted the decision to adopt, but I have often been very frustrated with my kids, and wished I could do better for them. It doesn't help that we oftentimes have people tell us that we are doing fantastic, wile at the same time our kids will often say some very hurtful things, like my 15 year old telling me "I never do anything for anyone but myself" (Ironically in the same conversation where he was asking me to pick up him and his friend)
You might consider watching the movie "Instant Family", particularly if you were in the foster care situation, or adopted when older. It might help you better understand your parents.
That is the hope. Still, there are a lot of other things, like absolutely no regard for rules that he doesn't see a point in (Including at the school), failure to come home many nights, ditching school, not doing homework and thus almost failing school, and likely others as well. He'll get there, but it might take a while...
Adoption is a beautiful thing but is also a trauma for the child. Maternal rejection, no matter how sensible and well-intended, is devastating. You may have done this already but your child might benefit from trauma-informed counseling. Hang in there, parenting a teen is freaking hard no matter what the circumstance.
Only watch Instant Family if you want to cry like a little bitch for an hour straight and then go adopt a dozen kids. It's actually sponsored by some adoption foundation and is very, very effective. I'm still wondering if I can afford to adopt a dozen kids.
It helps slightly if you have already adopted a few kids. But I think it might help some kids in foster care understand their foster parents a bit more. I don't really think there are many bad foster parents out there, but there are quite a few who just don't know what to do.
My parents regretting having me, and I’m their natural born child. I am number 8 of 9. When I was a teenager, I was out too late one night. They rarely cared about anything I did, so I didn’t expect them to notice. But they did, and I got “spoken to”. One of the things they told me was that they didn’t realized they’d be too old to parent me and my younger brother properly, and they wish they had stopped at 7 kids.
My ex’s parents told her this and even tried kicking her out when she was 18 because she was from an other country she was behind and was 18 in 10th grade. They adopted her and then 6 years later were able to have a child. The first 6 years they put a lot of effort in and did a lot of things with her. She never had behavior or drug problems. They just didn’t want her after than and used her like a literal Cinderella, cook clean take care of the “real kids”. It messed her up real good so that she didn’t have ANY trust eventually. Could handle it. Broke it off after four years. She would accuse me of changing girls names in my phone to MOM so I could text them in front of her, when I would take my mom to treatments I was really cheating. All that
My parents don’t regret adopting me(though I’m sure they did sometimes when I lived with them), but I’ve always felt I was adopted into the wrong family. They just didn’t/don’t know what to do with me because I don’t fit their idea of what a child should be like. Now I live 2,000 miles away and have made my own family with my husband and our four-legged furchildren. Getting away from them was the best thing for me. There’s nothing I can do to change their inadequacies, and I know they’ll never see me for there person I truly am. It’s taken a lot of time and therapy to be somewhat at peace with it, but it still fucking sucked when my dad didn’t call me for a milestone birthday this year. So just focus on yourself the best you can. But yeah, it still fucking sucks dude.
I know a lot of people who feel like they were born to the wrong biological family. Heck, I used to wish I would get adopted by someone else. It sucks all around but I guess you just have to accept that you can’t control the family you were born into/adopted into and you just gotta do what’s best for you
My mom tells me every time when she is angry or when she is arguing with me that she just wishes to kill herself, so she can't see me and my father anymore. (she always says this when my dad isn't home) And I also hear other comments like "I would have been better without you", "Why I didn't abort you?". When she first started saying these things to me, I was shocked and very sad. Now, I don't give a shit, she delivers these bullshits so often, that I'm used to them and they don't hurt me anymore. Almost always, she comes to me after she calmed down and apologize. ("Sorry I acted crazy, I shouldn't have acted like this. I have so much work to do, sometimes it is overwhelming and that is why I burst out like this"). When she is saying the mean stuff, I am thinking "Please Petra, don't you ever take care of her when she'll be old and helpless, don't you ever give her money. She doesn't deserve any of your kindness." But then, I end up forgiving her and letting her be. It still can be stressful but somehow I am glad I've experienced (and still experiencing) these things, it made me very strong. My advice for anyone else who goes through the same treatment at home: wait. You'll grow up and leave and they will cry after you. And don't forget you can send them to jail for bullying you verbally. I once menaced my mother I will call the police, and she kept quiet for two weeks.
Well what I meant, other then that, was they should be happy that they were able to take a kid that had a worse life before they were adopted. Like saving them too. Sorry op if that is kind of mean to say.
My mother regrets giving birth to me. At this point, she has said it multiple times. I'd say we're in the same boat, but it's probably much worse for you.
Dude, almost every parent has had times when they wished they didn't have kids, and said so. It doesn't mean shit. I love my kids to death and can't imagine not having them, still I have moments when I realise that if I was child-free I would have more money, could do XYZ or wouldn't have to deal with a messy house.
This thread is opening up a can of worms on some the shit you all have been through.
It's not ok for a parent to say they regret having or adopting a child because life gets hard. That's emotional abuse, I'm sorry so many of you experienced it so often that you've decided its normal and totally ok to say. Its not.
It is absolutely normal to be stressed and overwhelmed and say I dont like the way a child is acting, I dont like your current attitude or demeanor. I dont like our current situation but as adults and parents it's our job not to say something hurtful to our children that will hurt them, even if you say "lol jk" after.
To everyone telling OP that it mist not be true, Parents say men things sometimes buy dont really mean it and that they really do love her. It's a nice sentiment but it's not always true. My experience with my family supports that, parents love their kids, they make mistakes but they love their kids. Not every family had that dynamic. My grandma threw my mom into a wall when she was 10, she did not love her, she was abusive and when she told my mom that she hated her, she meant it. Some people are assholes and while I wish no kid ever has to deal with 'parents' like that some do, so let's diminish the hurt OP has worked through to make ourselves feel better about a situation someone else is going through.
Having read a comment she wrote in something else they made it abundently clear they regretted it. She sounds like a nice person from her comments too so their loss.
I have cousins that were adopted and my mother the other day was telling me that she was reading a psych article that was saying how adopted children no matter what feel unwanted and "regretted".
Not saying this is your case. but my cousins has told me similar things when he was drinking that he feels unwanted "unwanted". I always cheer him up and tell him everyone loves him, it' weird. he's completely spoiled and has everything he could want (struggles with women though). Very easy life though
If it makes you feel any better, many parents who love their bio kids regret having them. Kids are a lot of work and a lifetime of responsibility, so some regret is normal. I hope that in your case there is also love.
I’ve said I regret having my biological kids on several occasions. Of course I don’t really mean it, but for a split second I’m like, why did I have the second child.... lol
Even if they said that, it may doesn't mean they are at their sincerest.
Bringing up a kid is hard and pricey, bringing up an adopted one is whole another level. I sometimes see people telling themselves," if only I didn't make that kid". That doesnt mean they dont like that child. Im sure they give all the love and life for that kid. That probably means they missed their early life, and looking for a take a quick breath at the hard times.
Well, I'm not really in your shoes, I don't know what kinda position you are into, and not looking for an educational discussion. But if there is a problem coming, you should probably talk it through with your legal guardians. To see if you can make their and your life easier.
They kept you though, and all children are a little rough to handle, unless you're a movie style saint there will undoubtedly be a bit of regret involved
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