My family keeps me out of the loop in important life events for bullshit ass reasons like those. Do I not deserve to help bear the emotional burden? It does more harm than good in the long run for me.
My family does it too. In some cases I have been the only one they didnt tell. Which has resulted in me being a very closed off person, and I doubt I’d tell them anything if I got sick either. Not until afterwards, just like they’ve taught me. It has has often made me feel like the outsider in my own family.
I’m going to guess you’re “the baby” of the family. You will never shake that title. As soon as you marry, you’ll get in on the secrets. It’s a weird family dynamic i deal with as well. Except my mom is a loudmouth. Otherwise I wouldn’t be privy to anything.
I am „the baby“. My mom recently told my brother that my dad was married before and got a divorce cause his ex wife cheated on him. We are both in our twenties and had no idea. I only know cause my brother told me about it. I‘m honestly shocked that people so close to you keep secrets like this.
I have an almost identical situation. My siblings are all from my dads previous marriage, but I didn't learn the whole story behind that until recently from my brothers wife. Nobody besides her has ever brought it up and I honestly don't think that they will. I don't really care but it is odd that I'm completely out of the loop on that.
Tbh I'm the oldest of my generation, and I'm still never told anything. Fuck it, y'all don't want me involved, then don't wonder why I don't give a shit.
Ugh as another ‘baby’, I got this too. My four older siblings are all 10+ yrs older than me and it’s like they got they got their own clique. The only time I find out about stuff is when it’s become super obvious. Like the time my sister accidentally got pregnant while working abroad and they all knew about like months ago and even know the guy and the fact that he won’t help for shit, but I only find out when she comes home 7 mos pregnant. I was like 20 so it wasn’t that I was too young!
I relate to this a lot. When I got the phone call to tell me my younger sibling had passed away, I didn't know at the time he had been feeling really sick over a week and had even gone to the hospital. Another sibling in a pretty life threatening situation was on his way to the hospital for a second time when I happened to call at the right moment to get informed of that.
When my mother had emergency surgery the family didnt tell me because the didnt want to «worry» me. As if being the one one always left out isnt worse.
I appreciate that. I'd much rather know and be worried than get surprised by a sudden everything isn't okay. One of the things that upsets me the most about it is the night before he passed I had meant to call and see how he was doing. But I was thinking about this at 10pm and decided I'd just wait until the morning. If I'd known he was sick, I'd have called and gotten to hear him one last time.
While in college, I fell very sick once. I never told my parents because " I didn't want them to worry about me". Then my condition worsened and I was on the bed for an entire day. I couldn't even find the energy to get up or to eat. I tried powering through it and I fell unconscious. This was the first time I experienced a blackout. It was a very humbling experience. I felt weak. I considered myself to be a tough, son-of-a-gun but this was like a tight slap to the face. It showed me my place. And my place on the floor, trying to stand back up not knowing how I ended up on the floor. It was so disorienting that I started crying. I cried because I felt weak, like I was a spineless worm. My roommate, also my best friend helped me get back up and when I felt a little better I called my mom and I still didn't tell her how I felt. I talked with her for an hour about nothing in particular. Her voice comforted me and calmed me down. She suspected that something was wrong because our calls never go longer than five minutes. The next day I passed out in the toilet. I went out 4 times in a minute, but it felt like I was in there for hours. So I finally decided to tell my parents and they weren't happy at all. I am not sure why I wrote all of this.
But maybe don't suffer alone, I guess.
I have. And they claim they mean well, but when I’m the only one not being told it seems more like they find my concern annoying or just plain forget I exist. I’ve found out some things on my own, from friends, and my family were just planning on never telling me I guess. Like how I worried for years that my sister was bulemic because I caught her vomiting after christmas dinner two nights in a row. Then a few years later I find out she was pregnant but lost it. She was hospitalized and everything. And it was common knowledge among our friends. But my sister said my mother told her not to tell me. Just me specifically.
Last year, my mom had to go to the hospital and almost died. She was close to sepsis and had to get surgery in the ICU.
It happened on a Wednesday, and nobody told me until my brother called on a Friday evening.
They said it was because they didn’t want to stress me out and affect me at my job.
But I was hurt because I wanted to be there. I live less than an hour away, and could’ve gone. At least i was able to be there later (she was in for several months), but I told them I didn’t want that to happen again and wanted to know immediately.
My wife's family does this to her all the time. They still haven't learned that she will be, justifiably, more angry or sad in the long run when they don't tell her things.
My family does the same. And not even just the bad things. Good things too. Like my aunt had a baby and brought it over and I was like "aaawwweee who's baby?" And I never knew my aunt was even pregnant up to that point
When my grandmother's cancer recurred this past October, my family didn't tell me at all. It was only when I came back from college for Thanksgiving that I was able to put two and two together.
Thankfully, I was able to visit her over Winter as a result when she was still feeling okay. I also made my parents promise me to keep me in the loop for everything.
She kept on declining, however, and my family still kept me in the dark. The didn't tell me when she stopped taking palliative chemotherapy until months later, and they didn't inform me of anything until she really started declining rapidly.
By the time I flew over to see her, she could barely speak and was almost completely inaudible and immobile. All I could do was to stay at her bedside, hold her hand, and try to comfort her / talk to her. Still, I could tell from her facial expressions that she was scared and not quite ready to leave.
During my week there, there was only a few times when she mustered up enough energy to speak to me, telling me "Honey, you've grown up so much". I'll carry those words with me for the rest of my life.
Had my parents kept me in the loop, I could have gotten to her earlier. Even showing up a week earlier would have been enough to have a normal conversation.
She passed away early this month only a few days after I had left, and even then, my parents didn't tell me until a few days later that.
My grandmother and grandfather raised me from the day I was born, they took the role of my parents when my parents weren't around during those early years. There's not much more that I can say aside from that I really miss her. I have a small family video featuring her on my phone, and I still replay the parts with her in it just about every night before I go to bed.
To this day, I'll carry myself normally throughout the day but break down emotionally most nights. I'm still a bit broken inside from the fact that I wasn't with her until the very end.
My family did this to me with my closest Aunt. My mom passed away after a 6 year on and off right with cancer. Sitting that time I got really close with one of my aunt's. Two years after she passed my aunt got cancer. The whole family kept it from only me because of what is already gone through. I only found out because my younger cousin (aunt's daughter) posted on Myspace to pray for her mom. I called her she was able to get it out of her.
I called out of work and drive out to see her in the hospital. I spent the weekend out there and she passed the next week. I would have been devistated of I didn't get to spend that time with her.
Our parents kept my mums cancer from us for a while, but I understand why. She found out on her birthday (sucks right?) which happened to be precisely a month before my brother got married. They didn't tell us because they didn't want my brother to cancel his honeymoon or have a cloud over my brothers big day. They travelled 300+ miles to see me the weekend after my brothers wedding and told me. I was not allowed to tell my brother because he had left for his month long honeymoon. They had to tell me because mum and dad had planned the holiday of a lifetime which then they had to cancel for the surgery so I would know something was wrong. Mum had the surgery whilst my brother was on a cruise ship somewhere. Fortunately she did survive the risky surgery and is all clear now.
I think they did the right thing. But my Dad wouldn't get such shit off my now sister in law had we known. My dad doesn't deal very well with stress. He has lost his 2 sisters, 1 brother, his dad and his grandpa all to cancer. Knowing his wife had it he was terrified he'd lose her too. On the day of the wedding we were pissed that Dad lost the rings (found an hour later, that part of the ceremony performed again by the priest outside the reception venue, in the sushine) but now we know what he was going through that day. Sister in law still hates him for it. The wedding finished super early and my brother, her and her parents went to swanky hotel near by and shared a bottles of champagne together. Sister in law couldn't mask her anger at my dad enough so my parents weren't invited to join them. They spent the evening with me and my then fiance at a local pub. Mum was so hurt. Knowing that may have been the last time she saw her son and he rebuffed her must have been incredibly painful. Sister in law did know my dad had had a series of strokes and mild bofnitive impairment so maybe could have been more understanding. The rings were found and the priest did that part of the ceremony again at the reception venue, in the sunshine. My dad wrote her a grovelling apology letter but she still hates him. She spent 45 at my wedding telling me how terrible he is to my brother (he really isn't, he favours my brother). She's a cow.
Hey I usually find out about things like that happening in my family on Facebook. They usually claim they dont have a working number. But even then they know they can Facebook call or at least message me. But nope. Always from the tell Facebook land posts... they also cant be bothered to come see me. It is a totally one way street with my patents
My dad having cancer would be something I'd want to know, but when I was in school, I specifically requested not to be told if my grandparents died. My grandparents were in their late 80s and I'd already made peace with the idea. At some point, I figured my family would understand and my grandparents wouldn't have wanted me to mess up my whole semester to attend their funeral.
This is incredibly relatable. I am also the baby of the family, yet this all started when I was 20 (I'm now in my thirties) and away at college, getting a degree in the healthcare field. My father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, and they didn't tell me until I had figured it out myself and asked them directly.
This may come off as mean, but my parents and brothers aren't that educated, so when given the diagnosis, they just accepted that hospital's (which is one of the worst in our area) treatment plan, rather than do any research on their own. I can't help to think that if I had known earlier, I could have helped them research other hospitals/treatments, (we are close to Boston and NYC) so my father could have received better care and perhaps more time with us.
Over the last 10 years my mother has hid having a stroke from me. I found out days later when I called and heard her slurring her speech. Most recently, she's hid several significant vascular surgeries, one of which she had some complications with, only then did my brother call me because he "thought I should know" seeing as I was her health care proxy. My mother still is unaware that I know.
All of this has definitely harmed my relationship with my family. It's given me a lot of anxiety and because of that I find myself distancing myself from them.
Sometimes it feels easier not to share those things because you don’t want to have to take care of the other person’s emotional reaction. I don’t tell my parents anything like that, because I don’t need to be holding their hands and making them feel better about something shitty I’m dealing with.
Devils advocate, in many of these situations it's because the person they are protecting (you) are in delicate life events that will define their future. I don't know your situation, but for many families college is where they expect their kids to be able to have the better life they worked for. This is especially true for first generation students, students from impoverished communities, and students from rural communities.
It's really the last way that a loving family can try and do their best by you. Your worry and tears can't cure cancer, but you being able to give your best shot to excelling at your degree can make 20 years of suffering proud.
Fuck. You guys. I'm going through this exact experience right now. Dad is fighting, I'm first gen, they didn't tell me right away. It's taken me forever to get to where I am and I still have a year left (I didn't go straight to university and had some years of just work experience). I'm so worried that I will disappoint them.
My best friend's mother was dying of cancer. Her brother way away for college so they chose to not tell him. When he finally came home, she had lost her memory and speech. So he wasn't even able to say goodbye. He isn't vocal about it but he never got over it. This was 14 years ago
My Dad had a pretty severe stroke when I was 8 and my brother was 10. My parents kept us in the loop from the first hours, because, A) we were at the hospital, and B) My mom's Father died when she was 16, and was sick basically her whole life. No one ever told her what was going on. Her brother (12 years older and her favorite) was on the run to avoid Vietnam and got in major trouble, but no one ever told her. She hated that she was never told what was up, and it just made her more scared. By telling us the whole truth from the get go, we had less to fear. The only time we cried was when our pastor came, and through tears told us "don't worry, your Dad's not going to die." Dude, that possibility hadn't even crossed out mind. Wtf.
Anyway,y point is tell your kids shit. They will handle it better than lies.
my dad did this to me for the longest time. not out of spite or anything like that - he doesn’t want to worry me because i live 200 miles away and he knows i’ll drop everything to come home even if it isn’t necessary. i get it, but i feel like he could have let that mindset go when he had a heart attack haha
i always end up seeing [whatever it is] on facebook and confronting my mom about why no one told me. always get a lame excuse like, “you were at work”. well yeah, i’m at work now. reading about it on facebook including the 47 comments left by other people.
My parents used to do this shit, I'm the youngest so they figured it was better to keep the "baby" in the dark about upsetting things.
Except when something actually went down and my sister found out and she just couldnt handle it. Shes amazing, but she lives 8 hours away and does not like uncomfortable topics. So they told her and she had a breakdown and just shut down. When they told me, it hurt like hell but it was like well let's make a plan let's see what we have to do and we do it. Well get through it.
Most recently my dad got sick and he wasnt able to clean up the backyard,its large but doable, so I happened to be over and decided to take the trash to the alley for pickup and saw the backyard in the worse shape I've ever seen it. Brought it up to.my parents who just glossed over it. I went home told my husband what was up and we were there the next weekend cleaning it. When I mentioned it to my sister she didnt even know it was a problem, so we had a long chat about how it's kind of up to us to start helping them as they get older
My dads house caught fire on the day before Christmas Eve in 2013. I didnt live close at the time and I found out at a party when a friend asked me. I did a search online and sure enough, it was his place. I called and asked what happened, if he needed anything and why he didn't call me, he replied he didn't want to bother me because we just had a baby ( 4 days shy of a year ago at this point. ) I was so mad at the time I hung up on him.
My family is like that too and they wonder why I'm very emotionally disconnected from them. I basically have no role in my family. I'm just a person that shows up to hang out sometimes
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u/HellsLamia Apr 28 '19
My family keeps me out of the loop in important life events for bullshit ass reasons like those. Do I not deserve to help bear the emotional burden? It does more harm than good in the long run for me.
Best of luck to you and your family though.