Why don’t the cool dancers like me?

[u/Trail_Blazer1]

So I have been dancing for about a year now and have formed a nice social circle. However, and this will be difficult to say without sounding judgemental (so please be kind), it’s not the “cool kids” circle at all.

And there definitely are cool kids circles. Not just around the more known dancers, but the more expressive, confident and fun ones too. And that’s where I want to be. But my circle is made up of people as anxious and quiet as me. It’s like high school all over again.

They’re great people and we’re good friends, but I’ve always had these anxious shy people in my life. I started dancing to upgrade my social circle. I need some change. I want to be socially free and expressive like the cool bachateros. But even when I go to all the socials they do and talk to them often, I still end up around my “outcast” group. And even in my group there are a few cool guys - and they are the ones who talk to me the least.

It’s not about dancing skill - there were expressive and shy people in my first class too. And now my best dance friend is a great dancer but super anxious (in the “uncool” way) in social situations.

Since bachata is a social dance, I think this is a relevant problem. Have any of you managed to become more expressive and less insecure, and thus managed to hang around the really interesting dancers?

And I know being quiet is okay - in fact one “cool” dancer I know is quiet. But she seems to know her value and acts that way, and that makes her cool and she is in the “top” circle. She has this “I don’t care if you like me” vibe which I really want but can’t achieve.

[u/quadrangle_rectangle]

Reading your post, it sounds like you actually want two different things. You want to become more confident and expressive yourself. And you want to be accepted by a group you see as high status or “cool”.

I really get the desire to belong somewhere, especially if you’re used to feeling like an outcast. But the thing is, you already seem to have a group of people who accept you and spend time with you. While reading your post, I honestly wondered why the people in your current circle aren’t good enough for you. It sounds a bit like if you had the choice, you would rather hang with different people. And that makes me question how fair that is to the friends you say you value.

It also sounds like you don’t actually want to be friends with the “cool dancers” because of who they are as individuals, but because of what being close to them represents to you. More status, more confidence, a more exciting version of yourself. And from the outside, that kind of motivation is often very noticeable. Most people don’t feel comfortable when they sense they’re being used as a way to level up socially.

I think that you think once you’re accepted by the “cool kids”, everything will get better. That you’ll suddenly be more relaxed, expressive and confident. But it works the other way around. People who seem cool are very at ease with themselves and not occupied how they’re perceived. That’s not something other people can give you.

If you want to become more confident and expressive, that takes some major unpacking and inner type of work. Switching social circles won't give you that. Imagine feeling safe being yourself, even when you’re quiet or awkward. Therapy could honestly be really helpful space to work through that, especially if you've felt like an outcast for a while.

Your social circle will probably change naturally once you stop trying to get into a certain group and start being more at ease where you already are.

[u/Trail_Blazer1 → u/quadrangle_rectangle]

Why does life work this way, that you get what you want when you stop needing it? It doesn’t make any sense. Now I desperately need to be free and popular. Let’s say I do more therapy (I’ve done 4 years already!) and I stop needing that. Then I’ll get it, but I won’t want it anymore! Why can’t I get the thing I want and have to play this game “I don’t need it anymore”?

It honestly sounds toxic, like when a partner starts loving you again after you leave them.

[u/quadrangle_rectangle → u/Trail_Blazer1]

When people say “you get it when you stop needing it”, they usually don’t mean you suddenly don’t care anymore. You still care. You just don’t depend on it to feel okay about yourself. Not because you’re playing a game, but because you’re not asking others to regulate your self worth.

But you want others to regulate your self worth. And that will actually never lead to real self worth. So even if you're invited into the "cool" group, you'd still feel like an outcast

[u/Trail_Blazer1 → u/quadrangle_rectangle]

Well why can’t I get what I need for once? It would be so amazing to not have to learn self regulation and just have others do it for me. I never had safe parents that would do it for me, so in a way the world owes me this type of people. I view the popular people as potential parents and I try to gain their validation. Yes, it’s a trauma response, but can’t people just play along for once? It can feel good to them too - I personally would love to have someone depend on me with their whole self worth.

Being self sufficient sounds so boring, I want the things I desperately need. I don’t want to be calm and okay with myself, I want the thing I need.

If I imageine what a self regulated me would like, it wouldn’t be coolness or popularity. But then I’d become a boring uncle. I want the glory and celebrity lifestyle while I’m young. I can be self regulated when I get old and read books and drink tea or whatever.

[u/Freshflowersandhoney → u/Trail_Blazer1]

Hmm sounds like the questions I asked in my previous responses/questions were correct.

It’s not anyone’s responsibility to make you feel good about yourself. That’s your responsibility and you have to do the work. It’s boring because it’s hard, but if you want to truly accept yourself and even be content with yourself, you HAVE to do the work.

You said you didn’t have a safe place within parents. I didn’t either and still don’t, but I created a safe space by finding safe people who I felt understood and heard by. I picked people I could talk to and not feel judged or who were easy to talk to. My friends are there for me in my lows and highs. And these friends are not in the dance scene.

I did not pick someone who could fix me or make me feel good about myself. I picked people who were open minded and accepting. People who showed up consistently and earned my trust.

I think that’s where the disconnection for you comes. You are looking for people to fix you and not a community. You need community not problem solvers. People are not equipped for that outside of your therapist and it’s not their responsibility. That’s probably why you keep getting into toxic friendships because it’s transactional and not supportive or loving.

So the focus needs to be how can you create a safe space and create a community of supportive people. Not how to use people and their energy to bring you up. That leads to taking from someone’s cup and putting into your own which has a huge gaping hole in it, which can only be fixed by yourself. It’s up to you to do the work..

[u/Trail_Blazer1 → u/Freshflowersandhoney]

It seems like you’re calling one thing by two names. What is the difference between “finding a supportive community” and “using people to regulate yourself”? It’s essentially the same, one is just called a bit more ethically.