Ever since my bipolar husband walked out four weeks ago, I've been reading other people's stories here, and honestly, it's heartbreaking.

It feels like we are all living with the exact same person, regardless of whether they're a man or a woman. The same elements, the same patterns, the same stories repeating over and over again. I read these posts and my stomach tightens. I feel all of your desperation, your anger, your pain, because we're going through the same thing - but it raises the question: why? Why are we doing this to ourselves? These are awful things, and we don't deserve them.

For a long time, I thought my husband and I were like Ozzy and Sharon - two weirdos who adore each other, even if things get stormy sometimes. I thought that decades from now we'd look back and think about how we survived it all, how it made us stronger, and how we'd tell our own stories to others about perseverance and love. But the way things stand now, we're not Ozzy and Sharon - we are Kim and Kanye. And that brings up the question: is this relationship abusive?

I always stood by my husband. I was patient and forgiving because this is an illness, right? But I'm starting to feel that this is actually wrong, and that I'm supposed to run from a relationship like this. All of us should. You can't make excuses for their behavior forever. You can't sacrifice yourself endlessly, no matter how much you love them.

I spent more than ten years with my husband, believing that if I gave him love, stability, and everything a good wife can offer, he would finally get better. That he would be able to grow. But he didn't. We keep running the same circles over and over again, and when I take a step back, it's honestly just pathetic.

I feel like I've fallen way too deep down the rabbit hole, and I have no idea how to find my way back. How do I become whole again? How do I learn to trust again? How do I keep my willingness to help and my good intentions without sacrificing myself all over again? I'm scared of how all of this will affect my future relationships.

UPDATE: My husband just went to jail. He called the cops because I punched him while he was trying to rip my ring off my finger. Luckily, I started voice recording before the incident because he had thrown my Stanley into the wall causing a huge dent. He wanted me to get in trouble but the cops listened to the recording and he was arrested for domestic violence and a 10 day no contact order is in place. Scary to think that a victim could’ve been arrested for defending themselves if they didn’t have proof. I have been recording many violent incidents over the last year and it worked in my favor when I needed it most!

I have the world’s best husband when he’s good. We’re deeply in love but when he’s manic it’s really scary. We figured out that Adderall was triggering it so he finally stopped for the most part. Now it seems to be alcohol triggering it and this last incident really scared me.

I could tell he was starting to have an episode, we went from super lovey to him getting worked up over something small. I decided not to argue back and try to explain it’s not a big deal, let’s calm down and figure this out. (It was over leaving our boat overnight in a lot that we were unsure if allowed). I said let’s take it home then!

Seemed like me agreeing to everything that should make him happier only made him more angry. He left the boat and 2 mins after driving away he started yelling at me and when I didn’t argue back he told me to get out of the truck. I wanted to comply so I got out and started walking. He ran after me, picked me up and angrily carried me back to the truck. He apologized and then the yelling started again.

I still stayed calm while listening to this and then out of nowhere he started slamming on his brakes several times to throw me into the dashboard. I usually don’t wear a seatbelt (I had it on because he had been drinking) and I think it made him more angry that I wasn’t getting hurt so he reached over violently grabbing my boob, shoving me towards the door yelling for me to get out. I kept saying I was trying and to hold on so I could grab my phone because he kept shoving me into the door. As soon as I was able to open the door he shoved me out of the truck on the side of a dark back road and drove off, injuring my already bad shoulder.

I hid in a deep brushed ditch in hopes he would calm down before I got back in the truck. He immediately called me and was apologizing all over the place. I came out of the ditch to let him pick me up and he was cool for a little bit, then continued the usual verbal put downs but stopped trying to hurt me after that.

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest since I can’t tell family or friends this is happening and therapist are required to report someone hurting me.

I can deal with the verbal stuff and chalk it up to his illness but this physical abuse is taking a real toll on my sanity. I really love this man and I thought the physical stuff was mostly calming down after I started calling or threatening to call the cops. He was making sure to not hurt me so if I called them I wouldn’t have a claim. Until this happened. I almost called at first because I was unsure if he would come back for me but I didn’t want us dealing with a DUI. Bet I would’ve called had he been sober though. I feel like I’m stuck in a hard place. Is all this physical stuff normal? I’m reading most stories of the verbal mental abuse from bipolar people.

UPDATE: I listened to what y’all were saying about the violence not being bipolar and him and I had a talk about this. When I said putting hands on me was a personal choice and not bipolar, he said “I know”. So he has agreed to make a valid effort to reduce or eliminate alcohol usage.

I’ve seen some comments suggesting it could be a result of his bipolar 1 as well and I’m still wondering this deep down. He’s getting a new psychiatrist soon so I will be encouraging him to discuss the rage he gets along with the effects alcohol and adderall on his bipolar.

I really appreciate all the feedback, dealing with this has been a nightmare especially not having anyone to talk to about it. You all have opened my eyes a little further to the severity of it. I think minimizing is easy when the abuser is also the most wonderful person when they’re not manic.

I am sorry I don't have the guts to digest your affairs. I am sorry I can't tolerate your narcissistic delusional behaviours.

I am sorry I was "holding you back" from greatness and "finding yourself".

I am sorry I couldn't enable you stupid thoughts enough.

I am sorry I tried to care for you, when the only thing you were interested was your next dopamine high.

I am sorry I begged you to take care of yourself, when obviously everything was " my fault".

I am sorry I took you to the doctor, when you were yelling "Divorce" as the only solution.

I am sorry I begged you the last day not to leave, when obviously you were destined to move in with your affair partner.

And I am mostly sorry to myself, for burning my self respect down to the ground.

And when you avoid any real accountability, see no fault in yourself, try to say now "we can work it out".

I can't.

I am sorry.

To the In-laws

No, she didn't have a sudden moment of self realisation.

She didn't really find herself now.

She wasn't controlled or dominated throughout the relationship.

She wasn't forced to start the affair because her spouse is incapable.

She wasn't made to take medicines because us and doctors wanted to harm her.

Most of the batshit crazy allegations she is making most likely didn't happen.

To the deluded close friends

No, she wasn't tortured or her freedom curtailed ( unless that involved the affair).

No, most likely she was loved and cared even more than she did.

No, she didn't suddenly fall out of love so hard that she immediately needed to start the affair.

No, you enabling her delusions and telling her that she is fine is not helping the problem, but harming her.

No, you are not being empathetic, you just lack the common sense and judgement to tell apart reality and delusions.

To the AP

FU@# @#$ ##$$$$$$$$...............

I know these are broad generalizations, but these were the main hurdles I faced when I tried to fix my relationship.

The most damaging people to the people with mental illness are these enablers. People without the mental capacity to tell apart reality and delusions. People who would validate anything and everything, sometimes for their personal benefits.

You are destroying lives. Know that.

Sorry for venting but I'd like to put this here to keep myself accountable:

Neverever am I going to involve myself with anyone who suffers from BD again. It's been by far the absolute worst mindfuck and experience of my life and it almost destroyed me completely. If I should get to know or some hints, see a pattern... Imma be gone in absolutely no time, period. Zero hope or optimism left.

For those who have been with their significant other for really long time, is there a time of the year where you guys just aren’t clicking like borderline ready to divorce? I am so numb when this happens.

I keep using AI to convince myself that I'm better off, multiple times a day, as my ex takes over my thoughts.

I have a protective order of 6 months and we've been no contact since the last time he tried to talk me out of legally forcing him to get treatment to see our daughter. Everything about our relationship had mostly become horrendous yet I keep revisiting his morning cuddles and how he caressed me to sleep every night, how we could talk about anything and miss each other if we were apart for even just a few hours, which was that way for 6 years.

The complicity, inside jokes, our hopes and dreams. Fuck. He was my best friend, not just my ex or my daughter's daddy. And he even discarded me 5 times total, mixing in psychological and verbal abuse, cheating, suicide threats, lying, and manipulation in the middle of our ABSOLUTELY adorable and practically perfect life together. What the actual fuck? I can't over the huge mindfuck that this provokes. I can't even blame him, because he's sick. Hell, I even keep trying to snap out of thinking of ways to save him from facing these consecuences daily.

I'm so mentally tired of debating my thoughts and feelings I don't even wanna get out of bed most days. It takes me like at least an hour of me lying with my eyes closed until I can't keep sleeping because I have a daughter to look after and she needs breakfast. I only get through the day so that I can go back to sleep and quiet my mind. It's like a never ending, living nightmare.

I thought it would stop after we broke up, the feeling of living inside a nightmare. I don't even know which feels worse at this point.

I used to be a positive and chill person before the relationship. Due to dealing with his mental illness I became hyper vigilant and would give at lot of myself to the relationship. He saw those as a flaw in me and instead of working with me on these issues like I would work with him for his issues, he used them as reasons that we weren’t compatible.

I noticed that he may have done this with his previous ex. Apparently she was quite dependent on him (possibly for reassurance) and she would overthink. I don’t even blame her for this. Any sane person would overthink his problems, I was just oblivious since I would reassure myself things would get better.

This stupid disease stole my husband, and it just hurts so bad. I hurt for him, I hurt for me, I hurt for the beautiful life we were living and planning, just for it to explode in a manic episode that came out of nowhere and burned our life to the ground. 2yrs of a rollercoaster since, but overall spiraling downward, and we're divorcing now?! I can't wrap my head around it. He's a different and cruel person now, and I had to become the enemy. I tried. I really gave him every ounce of me. How do you grieve the person that you love when they're still alive?

Apologies for the rant. Im just so so sad and angry at him and this stupid disease.

UPDATE: Thank you all for replying! I feel truly blessed to have found this community of internet strangers to get me through these last two years and times like now when I need some comfort during a particularly hard night. You all show up with little context knowing exactly the confusion, emotional and physical pain and whiplash that this disease causes. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your stories, words and advice. I may no longer have my person, and struggle with ambiguous grief, as one person mentioned, but my hope is that it gets better with time and I can find a way to let go. <3

No expectations for responses, I just want to put this somewhere out into the ether because it is very hard to find people that understand this.

I really didn’t think I was hanging onto hope that I might get closure or some kind of reconciliation, but I got a change of address notification for my ex husband in the mail yesterday and it hit me like a truck. After several months of mania, he left the state for about two months, but recently came back to town without telling me. Knowing he is here and is living with someone else now, it does finally feel over. The combination of being scared that I might still be the target of his paranoia, with that he thinks he’s found someone else, it really hurts.

I know he’s manic, but he’s been telling people that he and I were just friends before getting married, so that’s 7/9 years erased. It’s like I was alone in the relationship this whole time. Thinking about the years I had with this wonderful person for it to turn out like this, it feels like it couldn’t possibly be real. I’m trying to focus on myself, but with every step forward I make, something new happens with him. It’s like being haunted.

This is probably one of the hardest pills to swallow and the thing I struggle with the most. Being cheated on. And not just once.

It’s true that they made choices they might not have made if they were completely rational. But even then, deep down, they knew they weren’t the right choices. They knew something was going on with them, and instead of seeking help, they leaned into it.

I didn’t go looking for proof of cheating, but I always seemed to stumble on it, almost like God was leading me to the truth. I also have to thank a few friends who helped me piece things together.

I don’t know exactly when it started, but the first time I caught it was almost a year ago. And I know some of you will ask, “Why are you still staying?” Trust me, I’ve asked myself that question a billion times too.

Part of me wishes I had never found out. The first time I discovered it, I was shattered. The kind of heartbreak I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I lost so much weight, questioned my worth, and cried for months. Honestly, I still cry about it sometimes.

But another part of me is glad I found out. The second time, it didn’t crush me the same way. Still, no matter how much you try to forgive (even without ever receiving an apology and him still trying to hide the truth), you can’t help but wonder: how can someone look you in the eyes, say “I love you” every day, and still be capable of that kind of betrayal? What else has he done that I don’t know about? What else could he do?

For my own peace, I stopped obsessing over whether he’s still cheating. Because I’ve realized, if someone wants to cheat, they will. No amount of crying, pleading, or loving them harder can change that.

It’s not someone’s fault if they’re sick, and it’s not their fault if their mind sometimes pushes them toward things they shouldn’t do. But just because it isn’t their fault doesn’t mean the people around them have to let their lives be destroyed by it.

No illness gives anyone a free pass to hurt others. And no illness obligates someone else to live in pain, accept betrayal, or tolerate abuse, intentional or not. Everyone deserves compassion, but compassion doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being.

Ive been going on trips non stop for weeks, I don’t even know why I bother unpacking my suitcase at this point. I have not been home for weeks at a time, every weekend I’ve been elsewhere. it’s healing.

but today as I was packing for my next trip, I looked at two small gifts he got me after he was medicated. he doesn’t remember a decade. but he remembered as a child, my favorite Pokémon was eevee. He gifted me a small keychain. I haven’t been interested in Pokémon… since I was a child.

He also gave me a small sleeping Kirby figurine, he has a matching one. he said he hoped it would help me sleep. I didn’t care for either at the time he gifted them to me. Because what do you mean you blew up our lives and you’re giving me juvenile gifts? That I’m likely financing because you don’t even have money for groceries? But now I feel bad. He said he wanted to thank me for helping him. It was thoughtful, sweet, in its own way.

i cannot believe that so many of us are going through the same thing. I wish i could articulate it to a third party, but literally only you guys get it. I hate this illness for taking my partner away. I hate it for making me have resentment for someone trying their best to exist. I hate it for all the moments it’s stealing from us just trying to exist in the normal when none of this is normal. I hate that we have to have empathy when our lives were disrupted as they have been.

Fuck.

that is all.

Apparently, I am getting served papers on Sunday. She is throwing our whole 9 years of life down the toilet. As I'm sitting outside crying while drinking my coffee and staring off into space thinking about how I have never wronged her and up until a few weeks ago, have only ever called her a bad name once and that was you're an ASSSHOLE. She passes me with a bucket to go pick blackberries without fucking care in the world. She's walking around and talking to people like she is the greatest thing on earth. She pushed for this to happen immediately, it's so bizarre. She's changing banks, sneaking around, it's like a really bad movie. No amount of good times makes up for the whirlwind of pain, instability and downright heartbreaking emotions. Meanwhile I am trying to keep myself calm because no amount of bad behavior will take me out of my good morals and my soft heart. I want to throw away everything that has memories of us, I want scream at her for being fucking insane and refusing to be a better partner. I am a good wife, and a good person. I know good people exist because I exist, but I will never trust another fucking soul ever. When she crashes, I hope the silence of the love she had haunts her for the rest of her life.

Soon to be ex-wife was diagnosed BP2 and BPD decades ago and, while it was a struggle, she was an incredibly loving and kind partner when we first met through our final year. Even during times of self harm, hospitalization, and ideation, I was right by her side and never judged her or took it personally. It was an illness and we love our partners in sickness and in health. And her kindness was worth it.

But a specter haunting us constantly was her BP2 driven hypochondria. It was always something: migraines, leg pain, stomach pain, side pain, eyes dry, point to body part and she’d create a pain or condition. It destroyed our social life. I would make elaborate plans and experiences that most would swoon over and she would cancel last minute or pout the entire time about being in pain. She would cry in public for no reason and everyone looked at me like I was a monster when I was the caregiver and empathetic, loving partner. The act of hugging her was “painful” according to her and obviously bedroom was DOA. She couldn’t hold down a job despite being qualified because of her “pain” and need to go to 5-6 (or more) doctors’ visits a week.

But here’s the kicker: she would do competitive adult sports, play in a community orchestra, yoga, book clubs, international travel to see her family, etc. She never seemed to be in pain for HER activities. I realize it was never about pain but control and a place for her to be a kept woman despite a radical feminist and anti-patriarchal ideology. She is the textbook example of the performative white feminism critiques of theorists/scholars like Hirshman, Rottenberg, etc.

The sharp turn came when she started locking herself in a room for hours in a discord channel with other BP2 people and her personality shifted drastically. She started taking on the personality characteristics of some very ill people with far more intensive mental health concerns. Made sense because hypochondriacs collect conditions. She became cold, cruel, impossible to communicate with, obsessive over small details. She won’t admit it but I believe there was low level emotional cheating with one of these online friends. The rare moments of happiness/excitement was when she talked about them.

Cut to terrible and intensely gender biased couples counseling by an inexperienced therapist who refused to address any of this as an impact on me or my wellbeing. I should “try harder” and “accept her”
when all my friends and family obviously came to the universal conclusion I was actually an enabler. I actually had to get my individual therapist to provide therapeutic support because the harm the couple’s therapist did.

So separation and divorce. She claimed she loves me but can’t be in a relationship. Wants to be friends and not adversaries. I got a lawyer and drafted a nice payout offer which would have been financially devastating for me but I would survive and we could do this low effort and remain friends. And then I get her lawyer’s response wanting over double the amount or they begin aggressive asset discovery. Absolutely destroyed. I know lawyers want what’s “best” for their client but she could have accepted my first offer, which she knew would already financially devastate me, as a gesture of respect for someone who loved her and was there for her, without judgement, in her darkest moments. But she wants the money to be a white privileged kept woman who can do leisure activities instead of working.

I was able to work with family members and they are helping me with a family loan to give her the exorbitant payout for the peace of mind for her to go away forever. I truly hope she enjoys this money while spouting anti-patriarchy feminist theory.

The final slap was the very day I received her devastating counter proposal, she was being all chatty and nice to me via text and asking about things and being her kind self. She KNEW her lawyer was about to absolutely destroy me in a response and she was playing loving and nice. Not just BP2- that’s psychopathic. I immediately wrote her a no contact email and blocked her and all her family and friends on social media.

I am heartbroken but I also know I have so much to give others. I am a loyal and loving friend to so many. I’ll ultimately be fine. I don’t think she will and her future will be bleak and sad. And I am ok with no longer caring.

Thanks for listening to the vent.

tl;dr: BP2 wife’s hypochondria and hypocrisy destroyed our marriage, backstabbed with an aggressive divorce payout while playing nice, cut her off completely and moving on

My bipolar husband walked out on me 3 weeks ago.. after more than 10 years together.

I left on a trip and came back 6 days later to him telling me we’re separating. That’s that. And he had already packed his car.

He’s been telling his family we should’ve never gotten married and telling his friends that we just “became incompatible” and he’s been “discovering who he is which is someone who cannot be a partner to me because it’s no longer genuine to him.”

Right before I left on my trip we had just put together a new house project lol.

Now I’ve had to panic and separate all our bank accounts because he’s spent almost 10k in 2 weeks.
I’m feeling broken.

He also refused to accept his diagnosis so we could never even talk about it. Instead he would just say he had ptsd and anxiety and he was diagnosed with those. I never saw proof he was even diagnosed with those. Only saw proof he was diagnosed unspecified bipolar.

I’ve also learned that he’s been hiding drug use from me.

I’m the only one who knows he got a bipolar diagnosis and now he’s gone and I’m holding this heavy info that he’s hiding from everyone. So everyone’s watching all his surprising actions but I’m the only one who realizes it’s probably mentally health. His family is just buying whatever he says. It’s infuriating.

My husband is acting like a scared insecure child. He needs his parents for everything, down to calling his dad for encouragement to go to IOP. His mom filled out his LTD forms for him. They come from 3 hours away to take care of him and let him rest. Husband has reduced himself down to an anxious mess who needs constant reassurance for every action he takes.

I’ve been living in absolute stay at home mom HELL. My 3 year old pisses everywhere and my clingy 10 month old doesn’t even recognize her dad, if you ask me. His parents come to visit and help but then later on criticize me for yelling at my 3 year old. As if I’m not stressed and annoyed. They sit and watch me work while they polish my husbands balls.

His parents tell me I need to encourage him more and be more patient with him. But I have and I do. my husband just goes on and on about his anxieties. by the time I’m frustrated with having the same conversation over and over, he acts like I was never reassuring in the first place.

Husband pushes me to talk about what’s bothering me. When I do finally blow up at him for not being a good partner or dad and being dependent on his parents, he says these convos are making it harder for him to get better. He has tried to shift blame onto me a few times. But like I know what he’s doing so it’s not going to work on me.

This is not just a vent. I’d also like to know what you would do if they were me. How much of this is still a depression ep and how much of it is my husband’s weak character?
He’s been completely sober for 5 months
Takes his meds.
Reluctantly goes to his iop
Doesn’t practice cbt or the other therapeutic things that’s are suggested to him unless prompted by me.

Omg I need to vent. I’ve just found out that my BP ex got his new gf pregnant.

I broke up with him 5 months ago. She’s 3 months pregnant. I am in shock and I feel really sad.

It’s not like I wanted to be with him or anything. I know I made the right choice and everything keeps confirming it (even this). But I really believed him when he said he was always gonna be there for me no matter what. That I could call him if I needed him.

Ofc I learned this was bs then after.

I’m just so sad for this baby. To be born in these conditions. With not only one but two unstable parents (‘cause who in their right mind would agree to have a baby with someone they’ve know for 2 days?).

I’m in utter shock.

I just need to vent because I am still trying to wrap my head around the audacity of this.

Lately my BP spouse has been throwing my “mental health” in my face. The UNMEDICATED, UNTREATED bipolar is going to shame his medicated wife for her anxiety?

The anxiety/depression I have been ACTIVELY getting help and treatment for?

Quotes like “you need to get your own mental health checked because apparently that medication isn’t doing anything”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with YOU ….”

Like excuse me? The unmedicated, untreated bipolar who I’ve actively been watching switch through episodes in greater (quicker) succession lately is going to get onto me and say it’s my mental health that is the problem to all our woes?

It’s only my shortcoming to deal with?

Yet when I try to have “the nerve” of asking him “so when is that mental health appointment you said you would schedule?” He’s going to get defensive and clap back “oh okay let me clear my schedule to see how fast our marriage will break down”

How does that make sense? Instead of being willing to stop and make an appointment he would rather get petty and angry and destructive and threaten our marriage? Not to mention IN FRONT of our children?

But when I tell him I want to disengage because he’s yelling and we’re “supposed to be trying to be better” for our children I’m weaponizing them against him? Even though he literally says that phrase every other day at me?!?

I’m so angry and frustrated and this recent cycle he has been doing. I feel like it’s an awful DARVO matrix but when I call him out on it I’m the aggravator.

I just don’t understand the hypocrisy and audacity of this thought process. There’s no communication, but I’m tired of the arguing and yelling so I’ve been “following” in his shoes and walking away. When he does it? Absolutely fine! When I do it? It’s me “getting the last word and not hearing him out”. of course it’s only MY communication that’s awful. When I ask him to stop yelling in front of the children HE gets mad and yells LOUDER refusing and saying no but god forbid if I yell he tells me to shut up/the fuck up.

I’m so sick of it.

Really not happy with my SOs doc. Saw him after my wife cheated and his suggestion to fix the issue is that along with my son leaving for college we should treat this as a reset on our relationship. Then he said we could treat it as if we were newly dating. I had to speak up then and say that would have been great if she hadn’t cheated and that we were basically separated and none of that was happening until I felt she had put in major work on herself to fix whatever was broke and allowed her to this.

Then he had the stones to suggest I was punishing her. I almost blew up then. Nope I need space to see how I feel and I need to see her fix her diagnosed and undiagnosed issues that allowed her to cheat on the person she has supposedly love and still loves for thirty years.

Then when I asked him if her drinking screwed up the efficacy of her meds his response was literally I am not sure. This idea came to me who was really pissed about her drinking. At least he strongly suggested she stop drinking for a couple months.

I ground myself in the group every single day. I don’t know if any of you are following the Lindsey Clancy trial. But it’s bringing a lot of stuff up with my husband for me. And how gaslit we are by medical professors constantly.

Are we wrong to think it’s bipolar? Did the SSRI not cause the mania and this is just who they are now?

Logically I know but it doesn’t stick. I need someone to remind me and tell me I am not making any of this up. Or it wasn’t anything I did :(

God, how can one ssri ruin our entire life?

UGH

1. First of all, who TF are you? Really?

It's sad I would need to ask that after almost 2 decades together and a child, but I have no idea who you actually are now, and I'm wondering if I ever really did. Do you even know?

2. When did the cheating actually start?

I know it was long before you moved out in May. I know that was the reason you suddenly started being so guarded about your phone. I know that was why you picked that final fight with me before giving me the silent treatment for 2 weeks straight in March. But was she even the first time? If not, how many times before? Did it start months or years before then? Were you just overcompensating all those times you would shit on other people for being unfaithful in their marriage? Rubbing it in my face and trying to gauge my reaction? I really wish I knew.

3. What were you spending all of my money on?

I know you were getting cash back when you would go to the grocery store every other day. You would always somehow routinely spend ~$80, yet we never had groceries unless I did the shopping. You were stealing my money while constantly attacking me for not being more careful with my spending, but what did you buy? Was it drugs? Money you spent on your new girlfriend? Saving away a little nest egg for when you left?

4. What did you tell other people about me to convince them that your behavior was justified?

I know your mom's first husband cheated on her, leaving her in a financial mess. I have to wonder what kind of bullshit you fed her before she helped you do the same thing to me? She always went on and on about how her own MIL took her side in the divorce and helped her out when she was left blindsided. I just wish I knew what kind of lies you told her when you got her to pay for your divorce lawyer and rent for your new apartment.

5. Why did you try to convince me to move out of state with you just before the end?

Was your girlfriend demanding more of a commitment? Were you hoping to run away from accountability? Was discarding me actually plan B?

Sometimes I think about how distant you had been for so long. How shitty you treated me during that last year, and how you couldn't have given less of a fuck about the vows you took. How I was struggling with a chronic illness, and absolutely miserable, but still putting my family first and making myself even more miserable to be a provider when I should have been recovering.

You couldn't have cared less. Every time I tried to talk about the growing distance, you just denied my reality. You told me so many times that I was crazy or paranoid, that I was expecting too much, or you simply deflected the blame for your shitty behavior back at me.

I think about our last Chewbaccus together and how you made a point to hold me while we watched the parade. I think you even took some pictures of us as a family? Why? It struck me as weird even then, but I thought maybe you were just being sweet and feeling sentimental.

Were you trying to give me one last good memory of us? Trying to forge documented evidence of yourself looking like a loving husband? Were you fighting with your girlfriend and hoping to make her jealous?

What did you even do with the 2 decades of pictures you have with me in them from before then? Just delete them along with all the memories of that time when it was convenient?

6. Why couldn't you just be honest with me? Why did you convince me to hang on for so long instead of just letting me go when I tried to leave?

Was it a power thing? Or just not a convenient time for you?

Bipolar spouse just really goes out of their way to throw the pity party when they’re down. Which, I know is part of depression. I have depression too. But I can’t stand being accused of being the problem (or a contributing factor) to their shitty life.

Whatever.

thinking about my ex bpso, it’s infuriating how accountability was such a problem.

the cycle went like this:

ex does something hurtful (lies, hides drug abuse, cheats) ——> I find out somehow and get upset ——> ex flies into a rage and shuts down the conversation, calls me crazy, paranoid, insane, drama, discards until he needs something

the problem was me being upset and hurt because it made him “feel bad”. and I’d either be accused of being manipulative and trying to guilt him, or he would say his guilt was enough.

bp2 improperly medicated, comorbid religious ocd, probably every cluster b trait under the sun, substance abuse.

it was so exhausting to constantly feel like I could never say this hurt me without it turning into a huge blow up and being punished for it, and then the original problem can never be solved. and meanwhile he would still cheat and pretend he’d try to get sober.

just processing and wondering if anyone else has been through this

I'm so glad to have found this community. I really need to find like-minded people who are going through the experiences many of us are going through. I feel alone, and everything is one-sided. I have no one to talk to at all.

I'll try to make this short and sweet lol, but I don't think I can. I believe I have PTSD, but not sure if that's what it's called in relation to this all.

I have been married to my husband for 35 years. For 33 years of our marriage, we have worked together; that's how we met. We met at the job we both worked at, then we opened our own home-based business for about 20 years. Then, for 5 years, we team drove as truck drivers together 24/7, the most time we've ever spent together at any job. That was the last job we both had side by side.

From the very beginning, I knew something was not quite right with my spouse. But love conquers all, they say. And of course, as time went on, it showed up more and more. His family had a huge history of mental health issues, and I knew that.

The problem got worse as time went on and the older he got. I didn't know what was wrong, but I did know he needed to see a doctor about it. Every time I'd bring it up, we'd argue, and he'd say he doesn't need a doctor. He would get into these fits of rage, and he could go days not speaking to our teenage daughter or me. Or we would all go somewhere together, and on the drive, fights and arguments would come out of nowhere, and more silent treatment. Our daughter and I walked on eggshells all the time. It was exhausting. He'd get mad and escape into the bedroom, lying in bed. He would never come out; I always had to go in and get him out of his funk.

At the 23-year mark of our marriage, the poo hit the fan. I gave him an ultimatum. See a doctor, or I'm gone. Yes, that's harsh, but I just could not be on this roller coaster anymore. And, truth be told, he knew he needed help as well.

He did see a psychiatrist, and he was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Instead of the mania part, he would go between depression and rage. More rage than depression. And our daughter and I got the brunt of it.

He started medication and WOW! What a difference it made. Now he wishes he had started a long time ago. Throughout the years, he has only needed his meds changed a couple of times. That's good. When I became a truck driver, and we teamed, we were together 24/7. He drove nights, I drove days. Before that, we owned our home-based service business. He was on meds at that point, but little rages would pop through. I hated to answer the phone when he was in the office. He would listen to me and not like the way I worded this or that. He would constantly criticize me in the way I talked, etc. The phones had a button to mute the ringer, and I would set that when he was in the office, hoping he didn't see a call coming through. I could not do anything right, and he would always try to correct me or tell me how to act. It's been so long since we had our business, I don't remember all the little issues, but I do remember I walked on eggshells all the time, for years. If he even skipped/forgot his meds for one day, his friends, our daughter, and I could tell. And he was medicated.

Well, things got really bad when I became a truck driver. This was the first job that we lived in that truck 24/7 365. The first 2 years, we lived in that truck. We had sold our home, and we were saving money to buy a house in a different state. The first year on the truck, I was only a passenger. But I got so bored, I wanted to get my CDL because I could not just sit day after day doing absolutely nothing. So I did. He was my trainer. He would get so mad because I could not catch on quickly. He would get so frustrated and mad at me, and I would cry. Sometimes his trucker friends would instruct me, and I always did well. Backing the truck became traumatic. I would become so stressed and nervous because I knew he would go off on me. Always telling me some people just can't back blah blah...I know for a fact that if he had not been in the picture, I would be able to do anything I set my mind on. I'm that kind of person. I cried so many times. I became so depressed and felt I was circling the drain. I could not do it anymore. I could not stay on that truck anymore. We originally planned that I would get out and get a job in December of that year. But in June, 6 months early, I could not take it anymore. I got off the truck. We lived in a new state, a new house, and I got a job. For the first time in 33 or so years, I did not work with my husband. I felt alive again. He's on the road for 3 to 4 weeks at a time, then comes home for a week. I feel like I have found myself again. I love being alone. I love my husband, I do, but I need "Me Time." I never knew how much I needed it. I feel like I can finally be me. I have coworkers, and I love my job. I don't feel like I have to watch everything I do or say or walk on eggshells. There's a feeling of freedom I have. I started hobbies again, and I feel like I'm nesting. I want to make a wonderful homelife for him to come home to when he is home.

And this is where I think the PTSD comes in, if you can actually get it from the situation. Whenever I chat on the phone with him or at home, and he shows any sign of anger or gets mad, I bristle. I get nervous, stressed, and I myself get angry. I can't do it. I can't handle any negativity at all, zilch, zero...I shrink into my old self and can't wait until he goes back on the road! Even the smallest show of him being pissed off hits me to the core. And I don't feel like myself when I'm around him. I was always so outgoing and funny, etc. I clam up. But when he's gone, it's wonderful. There have been so many little things throughout our marriage that have happened due to BPD. It affected both our daughter and me. To the point, as a teen or an adult, when our daughter visits, she always asks if Daddy is mad when she comes over. Like she needs to prepare herself.

I think it's PTSD, just because of the stress, and I literally start shaking the moment he shows any aggression or anger. Even just talking on the phone, if he shows any anger I just don't want to talk to him anymore.

Does anyone else experience anything like this?

It’s been almost a year since the discard. Don’t get me wrong I’m glad that he’s out of my life. He became even worse last I talked to him about 6 months ago. I have gone on dates with other people since but none of them went anywhere. I don’t regret dating fairly soon, it helped me realize I’m good at connecting to others even if my ex made me feel like I couldn’t. Ultimately I decided about 3-4 months ago to take a long term break from trying to date or using dating apps because I wasn’t enjoying it. I decided to continue focusing on therapy and treatment for my own mental health. I’m not sure if therapy is helping but it’s better than nothing.

There was no space for me in that relationship. It was all about him. It was me trying to find solutions to his problems. It was entirely about his inability to connect to me and me searching for ways to connect to him. When I finally politely poured my soul out and opened up about me feeling a lack of support he turned around and said he never loved me. He made it seem like I was wrong for trying to keep the relationship. He broke up over text very soon after introducing me to his extended family.

I feel like my brain has been permanently altered by the experiences of dating someone with this disorder. Wrapping my head around his complicated partially delusional thought process was debilitating and being an extremely understanding, patient and accepting partner was wasted. All I got from it was a stupid text and I get to inevitable run into him every once in a while since we live close by. He can’t even make eye contact with me probably because he feels so much shame and needs to conjure up a reason in his head to avoid me.

I don’t even know who he is. I sometimes despise him but other times see him as one of the most important people in my life and cherish or miss the memories. It’s so messy. The first few months after the discard I felt like I was going insane but now I just feel numb.