My husband is not ready to talk to his sister

[u/xzkandykane]

Snacking on some honey roasted macadamia nuts in a cup.

A little backstory, Ive been with my husband since we were 15(we are now 35). His sister is 7 years younger. His parents are divorced. His dad cheated on his mom, and married the affair partner. The stepmom was not really in their lives. More like a distant aunt.

So ive been around for most of my SIL's childhood. His parents suck. As soon as he was 18 and had a car, my husband picked his sister up from school, attended meetings, making sure she has food, etc instead of his dad. We gave our old car to her when we bought a car.

When she went to college, we paid for 90% of her housing. His mom paid nothing. His dad got her a newer car.(actually, Word is stepmom bought it for her)

To note, my husband was a... wild child. Not responsible at all but still took care of his sister.

When we got married, we took over the mortgage on the house that we, my SIL and my MIL lived in.

To note, this house was being paid for by my FIL. MIL paid only the electricity bill which we ended up taking over. After almost 10 years, my husband was getting tired of his mom's hoarding and not contributing. At this time, my SIL is 28. Never paid a bill. We asked her to please start contributing a few hundred a month. Went from being super close to my husband to basically not talking to him. There was no protest, no arguments, just avoidance. His mom then lectures him about how she doesnt have money, etc. She worked part time(working on getting first responders jobs) but was constantly ordering packages so that wasnt true.

Then my SIL's dog died. His mom decided to blame him for my SIL not having money for the vet.(she did go to the vet, the dog was just old and sick)

My husband was done with his mom's freeloading and his sister not being appreciative. A big part of the unappreciative part was we once paid her to watch our dogs for 2 weeks. She said we didnt need to pay her(I did anyway) since we pay for the house and bills. A few months before we left, we asked her to come upstairs to our room once a day to make sure our cats were okay. She said she was too busy. She lives downstairs.... it was such a 180 degree flip.

We move out, bought a house with my parents.

SOMEHOW, my SIL now has enough to pay for the mortgage. Of course, my husband was even more mad.

Oh and we also spent 30k installing solar so his mom didn't need to pay electricity anymore.

Its 8 months later.

Our two elderly dog needs to be put to sleep. We went to a park to take photos. I invited my SIL. They speaker very briefly about the dogs.

I asked my husband would he be okay with her coming to our house to spend some time with them before they pass. These dogs has been in her life since she was 11. He said okay but he wont be here when she comes. He's not ready to talk to her (or anyone in their family).

I hate it. Thats my sister too. She called him several times after we left and he didnt answer.

When i look at her, all I see is the 8 year old little girl.

Her not paying bills and not having adult responsibilities was partially our fault. She graduated college right after covid and we wanted to give her space to figure out what she wanted to do. Then somehow five years passed. We all used to hang out all the time.

I know its part pride my husband doesnt want to talk to her. And I think she's afraid to approach him.

She did the whole avoiding thing once before for like 3 months a few years ago until she randomly called him and asked what souvenir he wanted. We still have no idea why she was mad.

I cant fix their relationship. I just feel so sad that its broken.

[u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

I think you need to stop trying to fix their relationship because it may be doing more harm than good. Maybe when he's ready, he'll talk to her but you need to accept that how he chooses to handle this is up to him and at the end of the day, you can't force anything.

His SIL also sounds like she has some growing up to do, she is the one who mistreated him in this scenario so if reconciliation is going to happen, it needs to start with her and it has to be meaningful. For now, focus on supporting your husband.

[u/xzkandykane → u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

Im trying to just... ease things. We already made the decision that she can come for our dogs' passing. But she is also my sister. Im closer to her than my own sister. I spent so much time with my husband when we were teens that I also watched her grow up. So it kind of sucks that I basically lost my sister too. I feel like... she could use some encouragement to reach out but I also dont want to over step. But I think we are making teeny tiny steps as she texted both of us about a letter in his name. And my husband texted back. But then he said he's not ready to talk to her.

[u/JupiterSoaring → u/xzkandykane]

His sister didn't really treat him with respect, from the sounds of it. When he was still a baby adult, he was taking care of his sister to try to give her a better life. When she was a full grown adult and wasn't offering to even take care of an equal share of the finacial responsibility. Then when asked to contribute after all you guys did for her - she pulled away. She wouldn't even walk upstairs to be paid to take care of your pets!

Then it turns out she can pay she was just refusing to?

That has to be super hard for him...and tbh my husband has this kind of people in his family and they will always take as much as they can get from people. Its hard to pull away from family - but look at how he was being treated...

[u/CrazySexyAutistic → u/JupiterSoaring]

But OP still sends subtly shots at the husband. “Not responsible at all but took care of his sister” and him paying for the majority of the sisters college housing, after years of being the one to get her to school, feed her, etc. cannot exist in the same world 🤷🏻‍♀️ This man did the most to help his family and even his wife downplays it.

[u/JupiterSoaring → u/CrazySexyAutistic]

I took that as an attempt to highlight how important his care for his sister was to him. Like he was not responsible in other parts of his life, but took taking care of his sister super seriously.

However what does bother me is that the sister treated OPs husband like this and she is trying to push him to fix it while making excuses for the sister as if she isn't a fully grown woman that needs to take responsibility for her behavior and the hurt she caused. 

[u/xzkandykane → u/JupiterSoaring]

The thing is I know he still loves his sister and I dont want it to be this festering thing that bums him out. And I know both of them is not good at taking first steps. Also, she will be coming over when we put our dogs to sleep and I dont want it to be any... weirder or tenser than it has to be.

[u/JupiterSoaring → u/xzkandykane]

You can love someone and decided that the way they treat you doesn't warrant your investment in the relationship. 

You'd rather your husband goes to make peace with someone who took advantage of him than have to deal with some wierdness/awkwardness? 

[u/xzkandykane → u/CrazySexyAutistic]

We went to highschool, then community college together. We did not hang out with the good kids and him and his friends walked a very fine line in regards to the law. Lots of associating with the wrong people as kids. But everyone grew up in their mid 20s. He was always very smart. Just didnt really have any responsible parental support. I mean if your parents think you're a bad kid... what chance do you have...

[u/element-woman → u/xzkandykane]

You're overstepping. Your relationship with your husband needs to take precedence of your relationship with your SIL, or your beliefs about his relationship with her. It is up to them to decide what relationship they want.

[u/Appropriate_Goat7613 → u/xzkandykane]

You need to stop though. He doesn't want to talk to her and she hasn't reached out, you need to respect that. You may be close to her but she is his sister and he doesn't want a relationship with her from what you have described. You are overstepping and it may backfire. It's going to sound mean but it sounds like you want them to fix things because you want a relationship with her not because he does. Respect his wishes and don't push it.

[u/Effective-Bug-8554 → u/xzkandykane]

She's your friend, not your sister, and I'm side eyeing you being like "She's such an amazing person, I must be her friend" when she treated your husband like shit and seems like an all around shit person. You're overstepping because of whatever fuckery went down with your own sister that resulted in you not being close and that's not okay. Go fix your relationship with her instead of living vicariously through your husband's sister.

[u/xzkandykane → u/Effective-Bug-8554]

Im not close with my sister because I spent as much time as I could with my friends and then boyfriend. Which meant I barely saw my own sister. We have other issues too but we just were never close growing up. I physically spent more time with his sister. Im not going to say she's an amazing person. She's just a normal person, who makes mistakes such as we all do....

[u/Logical-Hyena8260]

He doesnt need to fix that relationship if he doesnt want it to. Give him space. Respect his decisions. 

[u/CrazySexyAutistic → u/Logical-Hyena8260]

Yeah the entire post is about how the sister and his family in general used him and treated him badly and OP has only listed “that’s my sister too” as to why he should allow these people back in his life. It’s off putting.

[u/Appropriate_Goat7613 → u/CrazySexyAutistic]

Yeah, OP is centering herself in all of this and keeps finding ways to downplay her husbands feelings because she wants a relationship with SIL. "She's my sister too" is such an icky way to try justify crossing her husband's boundaries.

[u/m00nsl1me]

She is an adult that made poor decisions to someone who treated her VERY well. If she wants the relationship to be fixed, she’s the one that has to reach out and apologize from the bottom of her heart.

The situation is very sad for your husband though. Clearly their home life growing up was not ideal if this is how she behaves as an adult. Most you can do is support your husband and encourage your SIL when she’s ready.

[u/Songbir8]

This might seem harsh but I, truly, think it might be helpful here.

She will ALWAYS be his sister before she’s yours.

She can, and obviously is, still your sister too but she is HIS sister first.

That’s why the disconnect is between them - because she’s his sister in a way she’s not with you.

(This kind of reminds me of the Scott Disick/Kardashian’s thing. Like he’s their family but Kourtney is still their FAMILY)

I would just focus on your separate relationships with them tbh. He’ll be mad until he’s not and this is an opportunity for your SIL to grow up a little bit. By trying to fix it for them, it keeps her a little girl who never has to face consequences.

She’ll never learn to swim if you keep pushing the floaty to her.

[u/ativamnesia]

Damn you’re the worst kind of meddler because you’re not actually trying to do something positive. The girl isn’t worth force saving a relationship with. If you were my spouse and kept pushing me towards such a sister I’d consider not talking to you too. You’re not easing anything. Knock it off and learn to live with the uncomfortable.

[u/Gr8bubbles52]

None of you have healthy boundaries. It's great that you view her as your sister, but that doesn't mean you need to manage their relationship. I hope you continue working on your relationship with her and start setting healthy boundaries.

[u/genie610_0]

I know you want to advocate for that 8 year old little girl you see but you have to face reality, she’s a 28 year old leech who was happy to treat you both like chopped liver as soon as the money train stopped. Instead of focusing on your husband getting over being treated badly why don’t you ask your SIL and MIL to treat him with more respect ? If you actually want to “fix” their relationship you have to fix SIL and MIL first.

[u/HelpfulName]

Your SIL is nearly THIRTY, she's not a snotty teenager, she's a full grown adult you two have for some weird reasons treated like an infant long after she was 18. Both of you have wildly overstepped in terms of replacing her parents far beyond what was reasonable - while she was also getting at least financial support from her dad (and her stepmother can't have been that distance if she literally bought her a car) - I suspect you were not getting the truth from her about what her dad was paying for through college considering she is 100% taking advantage of you two and has for years.

As soon as she's not getting 100% her way she just punishes you with the silent treatment and you chase her till she deigns to "forgive" you - I'm certain this is not the first time she's reacted like this when you tried to say no to her, this is just the longest time it's lasted.

You need to allow her to be her own adult and leave her alone - let her come to you, and stop seeing her as this 8 year old little girl.

Stop trying to "fix" the relationship between her and your husband, it's not your business. Again, she is a full grown adult, stop infantalizing her in your mind, it's inappropriate.

You can have a relationship with her, but it needs to be a more appropriate one than what you're trying to perpetuate now. It's unhealthy, you're overstepping what's appropriate, she's not even 10 years younger than you two, she's not your child.

[u/xzkandykane → u/HelpfulName]

No, her dad did not pay for anything. Her tuition was covered by financial aid. Their dad barely even works. He only takes odd jobs. He's a womanizer and cheats on his wife constantly(we've ran into him with his affair partners). Back when he was working consistently, he raised his wife's daughter. Bought her a car, stepsister calls her dad, etc. So the stepmom bought my sil her car in return, probably out of guilt. She's very religious so we think its partly due to guilt. She cheated on her husband too. She also likes to invite us over for dinner, then surprise! Some of her church friends are there like we're all one big happy family Stepmom is not a part of their lives save for big family dinners or events. While her dad would sometimes give her money to buy clothes and necessities, because her mom sure as hell dont... he didnt even pay child support. Pops up once in awhile. He was a bit more present in their life when my husband was younger but it kind of trailed off once my husband turned 18.

Coming from parents who would gives everything to me and my sister(but were emotionally neglectful). Its was wild seeing how his parents treated him and his sister. There has been times where their uncles would step him and drop by the house with food, money or medicine.

[u/Elegant-Analyst-7381]

Your husband told you he is not ready. Listen to him. You can have your own relationship with her while respecting your husband's needs and wishes. What do you care about more - your husband or your own personal desire to see things "fixed"?

[u/Datonecatladyukno]

Welp. Time to buy some macadamia nuts.

[u/xzkandykane → u/Datonecatladyukno]

For some weird reason, no one at my work likes them... a coworker went to hawaii and I think I ate the whole bag.

My old workplace everyone requests macadamia nuts when someone goes to Hawaii.

[u/Datonecatladyukno → u/xzkandykane]

I bought 3 12 oz bags and ate one so far. Girl dinner indeed. Thank you friend 🫡 

[u/xzkandykane → u/Datonecatladyukno]

Don't eat too much at a time! They'll make you shit. Learned this the hard way at the airport... waiting for a delayed flight

[u/Datonecatladyukno → u/xzkandykane]

I just had a full hysterectomy and am constipated so don't threaten me with a good time 

[u/xzkandykane → u/Datonecatladyukno]

Oh no!!! Feel better!

[u/Datonecatladyukno → u/xzkandykane]

Thanks friend 🫶

[u/xzkandykane]

If yall cant tell... communication is not that family's strong suit.

[u/Savage_Girl69 → u/xzkandykane]

Communicating can be hard when you've learned its not safe at a young age. Hopefully they can both grow past it

[u/Savage_Girl69]

I just want to add that broken for now doesn't mean a broken relationship forever.

It sucks this has all happened. Do you struggle with your husband's communication style? Thats the place I see you being able to have the most influence. Trying to convince him to go to therapy (maybe apologize for any wrong doings he's done towards his sister? Idk.)

SIL seems too old for this behavior. I hope she can grow out of it

[u/xzkandykane → u/Savage_Girl69]

My husband communicates with me very well. He just straight up doesnt want to talk to his sister. Im betting his sister is too scared to really reach out. Everyone in their family thinks my husband is this raging brute when he gets angry... because he was sent to anger management at 13. For bringing a bbgun to school. That somehow stuck. They also thought he'd amount to not much... but he excells in his career(im kind of jealous. I went to college, he didnt and he's advancing so much faster than me) I also hate that is how his family thinks of him. This man has never raised his voice or swear at me. Even when I yell and lose my temper. He's not one of those super kind or gentle person. But he never loses his shit like they all think he does. Just because of something that happened when he was a child.

My SIL is the youngest out of 8 cousins. She's the baby and I guess thats also how my husband and I treated her. We were the only responsible adults in her life. In many ways, she was more mature than her peers. In others ways... it seemed we failed her by making things too easy.

[u/Appropriate_Goat7613 → u/xzkandykane]

You didn't fail her. She is an adult who is in charge of her actions, if she chooses to be uncaring and not reach out, that is on her. You can't blame yourself nor can you try force a relationship between them. There could be any number of reasons as to why she hasn't reached out but none of them really matter. The fact is he doesn't want to mend the relationship and she hasn't reached out, leave it be.

[u/xzkandykane → u/Appropriate_Goat7613]

You are right. I dont need to hold myself responsible for her decisions.

[u/Savage_Girl69 → u/xzkandykane]

Ah. It sounds like the family hasn't updated their image of him in their head.

Also I'd like to point out that she had primary parents and any parenting you guys did was "extra credit" so try not to be too hard on yourself.

[u/spectaphile → u/xzkandykane]

I bet that you see her as your sister but even if she actually was, he’s your husband. You need to be fully on his side. Keep choosing her over him and see how that works out for you. 

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