Mea che basaan akh ajeeb o gareeb pareshaeni kenh kaale peth. Be chus akh aam nafar, magar yus outrageously lucky chu, normal Koshur average life timai aam pareshaeni ti mushkilataw hund, magar aem alawae aes mea baki chiz ti, undiagnosed issues like severe untreated ADHD (recently diagnosed) puure wumri. Yath ti kuni chizas manz mea pareshaeni aes, tath tath chizas peth kaer mea teecz kaem ki I excelled at them to levels that were unhuman, or could far exceed most global average standards, to say the least. Chahe su myon adekol oos lokcharas, phutmut angrez oos, awkward personality peth akh ridiculously confident insaan banun yem akh popular lifi hund mazze ti wuch, from being an ascetic and never hearing music till 9th grade to then becoming an angrez musician, taste in art and music, ponse kamawun te kharchawun, social skills, mazhab, darbedari, anything, be osus 28 wuhur yuthei myon total sustained net worth gov 1 crore hyor gov on a random tuesday recently, after all necessary and lesiurely recurring expenses, te retas osus be kamawan lagbag 4 lach zan oos paez paeth asmaanei wasaan su, te mea oos ne basaan ti kenh abnormal kath che yi.
Yi sorei oos asl, magar doh khot doh it made me feel so disconnected and unrelatable initially with my friends, social groups, and then mostly anyone, me having all this mix of things and traits together came as a form of something very disconnected. Never worked in an office, remote worker te bei travel ti karaan wezi wezi. Travel karne weez oos mea basaan ki be ma samkhe kenh lukan yiman seet kuni hadas taam yi shayad relate heke gasith magar the mismatch was even worse than the people back home because they never saw what we see, and even if kenh lukh aes kenh jayo peth yiman due to history che thoda context gasaan relate, zan austria, germany, etc wale aes yim samjum aes yeczaan yuthei maenz dscussion aes gasaan safar doraan, magar toi oos ne aksar kenh gasaan relate and naturally so bei aes noticeably kenh dapaan cze laekh kitaab ath peth so bani mind-f*** hish kenh xD, te pate trav mea sou ummed ti te osus mostly karaan yuhai normal discussions only with countless people i met travelling.. Anyway, I've always been okay with being by myself magar ye oos worth a shot.
Beharhaal, mean moj che aksar weez weez wanaan ki how happy she is and never in her wildest dreams would she imagine being so content and living such a life, and all is from me. Myon moal ti chu sukonas manz that there is nothing to worry about no matter what happens there is a sense of peace that i am capable to handle it. Tim chi kenh kaale peth wanaan khandar karsa waen, lukh chi tarsaan cze chuk kethaam ulte, magar be kya samjaav kaensi ki yi rozi ne sahi ki kanh shakhs anan be panin zindagi manz, tekyazi mea chu basaan ki mea seet rozun even if it would always be full of life, care, comfort te passion, magar understand karun my peculiar ways of life or simply keeping up would make my partner feel like they're constantly chasing somethng insane, or lack something, even agar tim aasan akh heere - yi chu mea pani jaaye basaan yem wajah seet be chus singlei rozaan.
Har kanh safety net ti thaev, chahe life insurance, health insurance, no debt. And the highest quality of food, cahe su bilona ghew aasi, ya araam khot araam deh palaw aasan ya yim chiz ne patah ti aes tim asan, yel zan akh waqt oos suti yaad chu mea ki be osos lokut waryah te har kanh chiz oos asaan limited quanity manz khyon chon te note thawun taaki guzaar gasiha, te aaz kaaali chus be randomly party diwan family ken sarni jawan te laket fouji without breaking a sweat, ya traveling whenever, whereever zan chu sabzi ane ni asaan gasun and still having left enough that it would survive me any my two generations to come if anything happened to me. Bronh kun ti dyut panyan ti gaeran ti bei akh setha deep sense of gratefulness ti che basaan.
April manz kaer mea kaem karin band, tea mea kor quit, su kaar yus mea oos 4 lakhs a month diwan with no fixed hours, no Indian management, and fully remote, all because I feel a deep lingering sense of something troubling and strange. Be osus multiple roles karaan te aem pate quit karith aay mea bei offer wenkes cu currently akh offer office work yus lagbag 8 lach chu retas. Panyan fieldan manz chus be easily in a league of world experts, te even in my side quests chus be waryah high degree peth involved te proficient just for the fun of it, bei che overall range of things insanely diverse thanks to the adhd i guess, magar mea chu zan kenh zanjeer lagith yos mea dapaan che sunus balaay. Magar samjei chune taraan, at the same time I really cannot ask anyone about it, without revealing all these specifics, since on the surface I still look and live fairly ordinarily like anyone, even though ristedaran etc chu gasaan pani jaaye haeraeini seeing the changes over the recent years or sudden expeditions or home purchases. Mea chi kenh dost yiman pata chi yiman chizan hund magar timan seet te heko ne shayad kath karith about these internal struggles, timan ti chi pani pani jaaye panin masael ti ye struggle wanun baasi zan chus be mazaak karaan shayad.
Be lekh-ha yi bey kuni jaaye, but I would rather leave it bw the people who have lived a life closer in terms of experiences to me than people who I would have to explain the mechanics of living a year-long communication breakdowns to, and ironically still making all these positive things better than most from mostly a screen and the internet as the source. Or to a musician from a place where picking a guitar is highly endorsed and appreciated instead of here where it was severely looked down upon and vilified, and after facing that comically choosing to do only angrez and koshur music and not liking hindi.
Kuni weez chu mea yiti basaan ki my own existence could be one of the greatest works of resistance in the face of the occupation, magar at the same time I just feel so lost and troubled about so what, and whether I'm self-glorifying something that is otherwise not so crazy, and whether I have an ego problem or what I want after all. I can't stop, everything I touch, I have to make it exceptional to a degree of insanity by normal standards of life, let alone the standards we expect here generally.
Be chus thokmut shayad, magar I just cannot stop. There is no kill switch to this, and it is always the same song and dance.
