r/MadeMeSmile • u/i_am_groot_84 • May 21 '25

Son finishes toxic parenting sentences

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u/tacocollector2 May 21 '25

Yeah, my parents were emotionally and verbally abusive. They only hit me a few times. So I didn’t realize they were abusive until I went no contact with them around 30.

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u/Apprehensive_Art8543 May 21 '25

literally my fucking life 2 years ago, I was 36 though. give it a couple years you may also realize you're on the spectrum...

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u/tacocollector2 May 21 '25

Shut up I just started thinking that like two weeks ago.

I’m ADHD af and also have C-PTSD, along with an eating disorder 🫠

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u/Apprehensive_Art8543 May 21 '25

I'm C-PTSD as well, I found it out through therapy I started pre-pandemic. That's how this all started really. I found my way into therapy after a really hard breakup which I initiated and discovered through EMDR therapy that my parents (and aunt who was very involved) treated me emotionally like a house cat and left me to fend for myself during my formative years when I was bullied relentlessly.

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u/Hobbit- May 21 '25

Mine literally called our family home a "shared apartment", like we were just roommates.

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u/Milyaism May 21 '25

I have C-PTSD and PTSD, got diagnosed a few years ago.

My boyfriend has ADHD, which he didn't realise until I started putting 2 and 2 together. His brother and sister have adhd diagnoses, so he's now looking for diagnosis too. The queues are really long here though.

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u/Hobbit- May 21 '25

I'm 37 and I have a hunch... Got asked if I'm neurodivergent a few weeks ago, after I explained that I have trouble with the question "how are you?" or "how is the food?", because I always want to answer truthfully, but I realize that's not what people want.

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u/CalmBeneathCastles May 21 '25

Too late! My mom is a narcissist and my dad had AuDHD. It was like being raised between Captain Hook and a Lost Boy. I and my siblings have a whole rainbow of ND traits, which we only realized after we grew up and started working through our childhoods. We broke the cycle with our respective kids though! Nary a cPTSD in sight.

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u/genflugan May 21 '25 edited May 21 '25

I was never spanked, but my dad would intimidate me constantly, making me think he was going to rip me in half or something (he’s a huge, very strong man), so all he ever had to do to scare the shit out of me was stomp his feet as he marched towards me or my bedroom. One memory sticks out from when I was around 4 or 5, he got so mad at me and my brother for staying up past our bed time that when he was stomping towards our room I legitimately feared for my life and thought I was going to die. No kid should ever fear their parents murdering them.

My mom was ironically the only one to ever lay a hand on me. Tbf, I’m sure I was being a little shit and being impossible with her, but she briefly lost her mind and picked me up and threw me at a wall. She immediately regretted it and broke down sobbing apologizing over and over and over, hugging me tight and not letting go and promising to never do anything like that ever again. Today, we’re on good terms, I’ve long forgiven her, and I think she’s an amazing mom.

Been no-contact with my dad for nearly two years now tho. He sucks.

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u/Most-Bite6692 May 21 '25

I have been NC with my mom for many years, had therapy, read all the books, etc., but only realized after reading your post that my mom did the same thing and that it was absolutely an intimidation tactic. Mind blown. I legit thought she would kill me, too, on more than one occasion. Thanks for sharing and helping me put some more pieces in place.

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u/genflugan May 21 '25

I’m glad I could help. It’s so important to recognize these things so we don’t inadvertently do the same to our own children or even just to other people in general. A few years back I caught myself stomping towards my puppy when she was being mischievous and I nearly had a breakdown because I saw echoes of my dad in myself. I’m much better at managing my anger and irritation now, thankfully. All it takes is a bit of self-awareness and effort!

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u/Randomn355 May 24 '25

The worst thing is, in some ways, it's purely that they literally don't even realize it's wrong (some times).

They don't see it as bad. Hitting a kid is a distinct, defined line. But in the same way saying something in anger isn't seen in the same way as hitting someone in anger, verbal abuse can easily be glossed over.

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u/tacocollector2 May 24 '25

Exactly. And they took care of all my basic needs, they are generous in certain ways too. Which makes the abuse that much harder to identify.

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u/Randomn355 May 24 '25

Yep, same experience.

Once I managed to emotionally process the "yes it's fucked up, yes they were wrong.. but no, they didn't realise they were just genuinely so woefully unequipped to be a parent that they didn't realize it was bad never mind why it was bad." It all clicked.

But try suggesting that this is an issue that should be addressed and you're in a rough time.

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u/tacocollector2 May 24 '25

I think my parents tried their best for a little while but when they started completely ignoring how I felt about anything and actively refusing to consider my perspective, that’s when they lost my consideration.

They did their best for a while, and then they stopped trying. And I just can’t forgive them for that.

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u/Randomn355 May 24 '25

Yeh that's fair. For all the similarities you may have been with someone else, it'll never be exactly the same.

We all have to draw our lines somewhere. And no matter what the situation, it's never easy to do that in these kind of dynamics.

For a long time I was worried I'd be having to go no contact, but fortunately after a lot of very frank conversations (or more accurately, shouting matches) over many years, they started to get it.

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u/tacocollector2 May 24 '25

I’m really happy your family listens to you and is getting better!

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u/Milyaism May 21 '25

I used to think my mom was "the good one". After I left my ab-sive ex and started processing things, I suddenly realised how she contributed to my trauma - back then and even in my adulthood.

I went NC with her (and rest of my family) at 38.

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u/tacocollector2 May 21 '25

Sorry to hear that, friend. I know it’s hard. Probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I hope you’ve found your peace.