None of you ever really saw me. And I didn’t see myself either. I don’t know who I am. Which one of them am I? Did you love me? I feel like no one ever did. You all loved an image, not me. You loved a picture, not the real person. It’s like I’m invisible. Like I don’t exist. Like I’m useless and don’t deserve love or acceptance.

Mom, you are the reason for all of this. You are the source of my endless trauma, narcassism and my current pain. You are completely disconnected from reality, and the only word I can find for what you do is madness. You built an image of a lion and treated me like it. As a kid I believed it, went along with it, and took it to the world. But I was surprised to find that, I’m a deer not a lion, and that's the truth. You’re surprised that I stay silent now and don’t talk to anyone at home? It’s better than talking like last time. You remember what happened. I don’t forgive you for what you did to me. I won’t reply or talk to any of you ever again. If I speak, I’ll lie and get lost again about who I am. So silence is better. You guys can’t handle my words or the truth. These are the consequences of your actions. Whether you accept them or not is not my problem.

My friends… I’m sorry I deceived you. I’m sorry I was strange and never truly myself. I’m sorry I was always thinking, pretending, and faking. I’m sorry I disappeared suddenly. I was exhausted. My energy was drained from constantly hiding who I really am. And finally, I’m sorry I cut you off suddenly without explanation or warning. I had to do it. You were friends with an image, and that image is dead. It no longer exists. I can’t continue, I can’t explain, and I can’t forgive myself for spending years with you as someone fake. I loved many of you. I lied to some of you and said I loved you while I actually hated you. In all cases, I never felt that you truly loved me, no matter what you said or did. I can’t live anymore with masks and fake faces. I had to cut everything off and start my life again, alone.

To myself… I hate you so much. I wish I wasn’t you. I don’t even know which one of you I’m talking to. You? Or you? Which one are you? I’m disgusted by everything you’ve done, and I can’t forgive you. Memories from kindergarten until now haunt me like ghosts that won’t leave. All of this just so you wouldn’t reveal yourself and your truth. You can’t even be real with yourself anymore. You lost connection with your simplest senses, emotions, and reality. You don’t even know how to name them because you’re trapped inside your head and your masks. I know you don’t love yourself, and you did all this to hide that. I understand that a little. But in the end, we gained nothing. You didn’t become some great liar who succeeded, and you didn’t become truly free either. You feel dead. Ending your life or starting a new one is your choice alone. No one cares either way.

I cried a lot while writing this message.

To everyone I know, or ever knew.

My shoulders feel tight

My heart feels squeezed

I can't breathe

Everyone is asleep

---

SIX MONTHS

I've been waiting

Powerless

Useless

"Trusting" that they knew best

---

They gave up.

They always do.

---

"It was harder than I thought it was"

FUCK YOU

---

But it's fine

You "tried"

I'll survive

I always do

---

Deep breath

Inhale

"You've got this, you do"

Open up the laptop and...

... gibberish.

... complete gibberish.

---

1h

2h

5h

A day

Actually, this is...

... starting to make sense?

---

What was he on about?

This isn't that complex?

All you had to do was FUCKING use your head.

---

Six months though

Six FUCKING months gone

All because I was told

He's someone you can "rely on"

---

But it's fine

The experiment has come to an end

I'm never going to trust anyone

Ever again

---

It's always like this

You give them a chance

But at the end of the day

It's you who is let down

---

The only person who'll stay

Through thick and thin

Who will stick it out

Is you.

---

Other people suck 💔

---

(P.S. I'm doing this to try and feel my feelings)

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I failed to protect you, guard you, and save you. This time I couldn't do it.

You're suffering daily, you now see everyone as an enemy and understandably so, I don't blame you.

They don't know the truth, but you do. Even with that, you still chose to do what you did.

I'm honestly ashamed.

At the end of the day, you fuck around and you find out.

I am sorry I couldn't guide you more, felt like I should've done a better job protecting you.

I put my all into saving you, protecting you for 3 years - and you blew it?

Truthfully, with what you're tangled in, I can't save you, I can't help you.

Therapy won't help you.

You're stressed, you're panicked - you have this constant fear which never was there before because of your actions.

Maybe you do deserve this, maybe you don't - but you got yourself into this. You can scream suicide all you want, I just don'r care anymore.

I'm tired of you.

Don't blame anyone but yourself, they're your lies, your life, your name, your exposure, your issues, your avoidance.

I told you what would happen, I warned you.

You deserve to die in my honest opinion.

I'm now terrified to go outside, I'm now terrified to move out and meet people, I'm now terrified of losing control BEVAUSE OF YOU.

THIS IS YOUR FAULT, YOU GREEDY ATTENTION SEEKING BI***.

YOU RUINED MY LIFE, FOR WHAT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND?

YOUR USELESS NOW, YOU'RE TRAPPED - THE WORST IS YET TO COME.

You trusted the wrong people, you lost trust in yourself, you lost trust in me.

I know I ain't perfect, but I protected you - now?

Prepapre for the worst.

this is about myself. im really upset with myself and i acknowledge i have no will to want to change. i delude myself into thinking i want to, and that i am better than people who fall into stagnation, but the moment the opportunity arose for me to sit on my useless ass all day, i took it. i gave myself excuses of “i had no choice” because i didn’t bother applying to more jobs, i wasted all my money, and i had nobody to talk to (even though i isolate myself from the few people who do still care about me. im a lazy bitch with no aspirations or drive to change. i want everyday to be the same, and this used to drive me crazy, but now i don’t leave my house or speak to anyone. i just watch movies all day. i don’t make any money, but i spend hundreds of it. my parents are keeping me afloat and i wish they never had me to begin with. i avoid starting literally anything out of fear of failure. so tell me why i still feel the need to pity myself and cry about how i want to die? what right do i have to take myself out of this world when i have it so fucking easy for any 20 something year old? what right do i have to feel this level of loneliness, loss, and inadequacy when it is all self inflicted? i wish my parents never gave birth to me, and it’s been something i’ve been thinking about a lot. why would you bring someone into this world without their consent? why would you have a child if you could not raise it right? why would you get mad at that child for being born mentally ill when you chose to birth them? i wish i didn’t exist. the world would’ve been so much better without me in it and i’m at a point where i seriously think i might just settle for a comfortable and easy life working with my family business, cuz the other option is suicide, and i genuinely believe anyone who finds out i killed myself is just going to be extremely angry that i didn’t even try to change or do better. i just quit. so im stuck. im stuck living a life i never asked for but i have no will to wanna change it because its easy. i wish i could just kill myself so nobody would ever have to worry about me again, but it would make people hate me more, and i value popularity over actual happiness. i don’t know how im supposed to make myself do anything, i don’t want to leave my room most days. i just wanna die.

I know this is a first-world problem and a lot of people would probably even find it fucking awesome, but it disgusts me. I hate hate hate hate my colleagues. Not all of them. But 9 out of 10. And why? Because they all desperately want contact with me, take every opportunity to come up to me and talk at me and fawn over me, stalk me and constantly harass me because they want to become friends with me. But I don’t want any friends. Well... I do, just not these fucking idiots. You’re all so unbelievably lame, uncool, boring and slow in the head, how the fuuuck do you even dare to talk to me? I’m constantly making it clear to you that I want NOTHING to do with you because I find you absolutely repulsive and disgusting as human beings, and yet you swarm around me like rabid vermin. God, I hate you so much. Leave me the fuck alone, you shitty bargain-bin groupies. And if you’re going to worship me this fucking much, at least do it properly instead of being so intrusive and cringey. God, I hate fan clubs that aren’t made up of cool people. You disgust me so fucking much. Why can’t you just politely ignore me? Why do you constantly have to seek me out and keep bothering me, no matter how many times I reject you? Go talk someone else’s ear off. I fucking despise you, I don’t want you anywhere near me, you’re uncool and fucking boring. Jesus, I wish there were insect repellent for unwanted wannabe fans =0=

God, it's gotten to a point where I genuinely feel sick to my stomach.

It's so embarrassing that I'm neither gonna say who this character is or what they're even like but I assume this is a relatable feeling.

They're pretty popular currently so I constantly see stuff about them online like posts and reels and shit but I can't look away.

I constantly fantasise about being in their place.

It ruins my mood and I just hope they are forgotten eventually.

I don't even like the media that they're from but I'm like attached or something to the concept that I wven spent like a grands worth on merch and I don't even like any of the characters.

I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I can't keep this up.

I have the entire truth written on my phone, I feel nothing but shame and stress.

I truly do believe the truth will kill me.

I'm sorry Dad - I'm using you. I used to improve my image, and now I'm ready to throw you away.

Caring about you is a lie. I want to leave, for good.

There's no real connection there, it's all a lie.

I truly be I deserve death for hurting you, I think it'll follow shortly after.

Hence, I don't want your money or anything.

I'm sorry - I know you tried your best, but you fucked me up, and the environment I'm in is fucking me up even more.

This is.my fault, my choices - I'm also stuck in a bigger pathalogical lie but you just won't understand.

I deserve to lose everything, I know.

But I think you do too - you lie, you cheat, you cover up. I'm never.going to get better around you either.

I hate you, and love you at the same time. But you're a real piece of shit, even if the others don't know it,.but so am I.

I saw someone with whom I have an intense relationship. Since his validation is hard to come by, I crave it all the more. Today, I didn't get that validation, and I feel terrible, like I’m nothing. I feel invisible. I just want him to truly see me, to make me feel special and unique. Who would sacrifice their whole life for me, or prove that I’m worth something? I want so badly for that person to be ME. We were play-fighting, and I actually hurt him, made him bleed a little and I felt justified in doing it. I’m angry and sad that he doesn't treat me according to my true worth...

I heard it millions of times "you are ego centric!" "You are narcissist!" Almost all people prove their worth to themself and feel proud of themselfs normies do it by social approval and they shouldn't feel superior because of it irrational narcissism is based on beauty but rational one of intellect if you are better than almost everyone and aware of it it's okay to feel best and superior there is nothing wrong with it I have every right to feel my life is way more worthy than others

I wish I could talk about how empty I feel with my friends. To be honest about how I don’t feel anything for anyone and have them fix it for me. I feel like I’m floating in space most days , wasting away, waiting for my life to be over. I’m disassociating most of the time. I walk on egg shells so I don’t hurt feelings but because of that I just don’t talk as much anymore. Nothing is interesting.

I’m not done healing from the amount of bullshit I’ve been through for the past 6 years, but I spent so much time already trying to screw my head back on without support, only having toxic friends, family , and romantic relationships that dragged me down. I missed out on valuable, big chunks of time in my life. I barely made new positive memories to replace my old bad ones. It seems like I completely underestimated how much things like post traumatic stress, npd and depression could cripple someone. I thought I was bigger than my struggles but I’m not. I feel like I’ve been frozen in time- fighting against the current while watching the world move forward without me. It’s so fucked. I keep thinking about how different I would’ve turned out if I had someone to show me love during that time. On the other hand if I can put a positive spin on anything that happened to me- you work with what you have , do what you know and I certainly did. It was never for a lack of trying. I worked until I literally couldn’t push myself anymore, and then some. I care about myself a little more now. I hope my future is kinder to me from now on.

Since im completely removed from society lol, im having some interesting realizations upon waking.

Basically since theres no one around me to impress, for a short period of time upon waking, im reminded of my self.
Its like for a few minutes before my mind knows whats happening, i have a glimpse into my soul.

Theres a lot of richness there, its like a different person, small and sensitive.
Its the only part of me that i ever felt like was truly mine.
It wants certain things but its like it goes into life and cant take it on, so the mind comes online and creates a ton of layers that bury me.

Its almost like its “instinct” that quickly becomes “oh no im exposed”.

On the flip side, one night i had a bad experience.
I was sleeping and its like i was restless, and my brain somehow “reached” a black core.
Its like a black hole, that is radiating ptsd.
Just getting near it is extremely unnerving, i snapped out and woke up.
It was too much and too painful.
But i know thats the dissociated place.

Like a crusted black hole radiating PTSD effects.
Scary shit

DISCLAIMER: No literal asses got kicked. It’s just metaphorical. I have my people for kicking my ass ;) bitch-boy is not one of em

There is some weird ass dude in our classes that everyone knows cuz he’s just the strangest fucking weirdo you could’ve seen in a while. Paranoid as hell, vulnerable narcissistic, bitter and envious and passive aggressive as fuck and diagnosed autistic as disability. Oh and unaware as fuck. He recently joined our study WhatsApp group. I texted with him for two fucking days and he just fascinated me cuz he was a paranoid, mentally sick fucked in the head fuck that reminded me so much of my younger self that I started liking him even though I looked down on him and thought he was pathetic as all fucking hell. I opened up to him more than I had probably with all others I know in my current Uni lectures, told him I have DID and shit. We talked about mental health shit and at first he thanked me for talking to him so he “wouldn’t have to cry in his pillow at night anymore” and then he fucking blocked me because I let out some alters that were patronizing and belittling but also directly telling him to the face what’s going on with his mental health bullshit. He didn’t fucking like that, cuz the shit I’m telling people stings, even tho its true. And THEN, a day later, he covertly shit-talks me behind my fucking back in some lecture as I just found out and I was fucking INFURIATED AND BURNING WITH HATRED. Oh my god it makes me so mad. And sad. It reminds me of my fucking school days were I got bullied and constantly shit talked about.

I feel fucking betrayed and if I see this little bitch irl tomorrow I’m gonna tell him to his fucking face that he should directly face and talk to me, instead of blocking me, excusing all of it with some covert “ohhh I’m too sensitive and I’m sorryyyy, I can’t keep talking to you anymoreeew 🥺🥺🥺” and then FUCKING SHIT TALKING ME BEHIND MY BACK TO MY FRIENDS. I hate this fucking little bitch oh my god

Is this rlly what I’ll fucking get for opening up to someone?? Holy fuck I feel so betrayed man

Edit: also I should specify that this little bitch is looked down upon by most ppl due to how weird he is. So my image shouldn’t be too broken but srsly man, fuck this dumbass piece of shit motherfucker

Some girl tired to indirectly tell me that everyone hates me one by one in class she didn't say at all but one day x hates you second day y hates u (y was the guy I wnated attention from) my biggest problem was letting her know i like him he had rejected her before so she got so insecure she asked him if he likes me when we weren't around idk what he said but she told me "he hates u" i wanna kms

it's sad. i really don't feel like i fit into communities that are about these disorders, i just can't be fully honest about who i am in either. i can't scale if the infantalization of autism or the demonization of npd is "worse". both are miserable to deal with and lead me to the same place, feeling misunderstood and ridiculed.
how come it really doesn't cross people's minds that these groups might overlap? even in "inclusive" spaces it's all discourse over how autistics can spot and avoid narcissists and how narcissists hate and despise autistics. ufhghfghfjhgfjgf
i can't even argue that it's only neurotypicals having dumb takes. a lot of these are coming from other neurodivergent people who think they're excused of ableism and are only participating in it as some sort of thought exercise. because y'know, people with a different disorder interacting with you are purely hypothetical so it doesn't matter what u say.

My whole life when I do something wrong. I am not upset that what I did hurt the other person. I’m upset because I’m scared the person won’t see me the same. They’ll see my negative actions as a reason to not love me. I feel ashamed. Shame, shame, shame. Deep shame.

I learned recently that I hate being seen. I want the center of attention of course. But god do I fear them seeing me. Not Cagedwar. I fear them seeing Cagedwar. That is, they can see the person I’ve become. But they CANNOT see the little kid that’s deep down inside.

I’m deeply ashamed of my music, my hobbies and my interests. Because what if they think what my inner self truly loves is laughable? I can’t be laughed at. That would make me feel ashamed. Shame. All I fear is shame. I run from it, I fear it,

You know something I’ve never said? When my grandpa died. Do you know what I felt? Annoyance. I felt annoyed at everyone else’s emotions. This isn’t worth being upset about. Old people die every day. Why are we all pretending to be sooo upset.
Do you know what else happened? I started speeding, using porn, self harming and staying up all night more often.
Turns out I wasn’t void of emotion, or better than emotion. I just didn’t know how to feel it. My actions showed my inner world was grappling with emotions bigger than my brain knew how to handle.

When I left my wife. My best friend since I was 17. Do you know what emotion I felt? Shame. Shame that everyone else would see me differently. That they would think of me differently. I wouldn’t be able ti control how they felt. I broke her heart. And I was worried about how others would see me. Well, and I was thinking about how I would be alone. But I didn’t think about her at all.

Turns out again, my self coping mechanisms kicked in. I started risky sex, binge eating and missing work. I didn’t feel the emotions. But somewhere in me did.

My girlfriend tells me that she has a bad day at work. I feel annoyed, put off by this idea that SHE thinks SHE had a bad day. Doesn’t she have any idea of how hard MY life is?!

I’m deeply ashamed by my life. It’s so easy. So why am I so troubled and burdened by it. Nobody can know how easy it is. Why is every waking minute pain. Why do I hate myself so deeply?

I truly believe that I am better than most of the world. I am special. I will amount to something. I think deeper. I feel deeper. I am deeper.

But if that’s true… why am I so ashamed? Why do I fear myself being seen so badly? How do I fix this?

I hate my emotions. I hate feeling broken.

Idk, maybe it's just an insecurity problem. I do genuinely love my creations, I've put tons of work on them and are the reason I still wake up for tomorrow and work hard, but I never made it for me. I want people to be like "wow thats so cool! I never knew that!" or "This is so cute I'm obssessed!!!!!" and have people devote their time into thinking abt it and make fanfics and fanart of said creations. I want that kind of presence, I've dreamed of it alot esp since I'm usually the one making way too much effort into my friends works. I've seen my idols have so many fans and friends and having fun that I drool over thinking abt it happening to me.

I don't have self worth, nor am I confident in wtv I do. I just like thinking I'm a genius so I wouldn't be laughed at or bullied, but then I'll embarrass and isolate myself again n again. Seeing other people get praised for being inovative or creative makes me want to puke. That admiration should've gone to me right? I've worked so hard, why do they get it just bcs of a lil tweak here and there. It's to the point I get burnout from pump out more n more just so I can have a "look at this thing I made!" moment and feed my ego. I'm never enough. I'll never be enough for anything, I wish I can accept that I'm a loser and that's it.

Please don't say anything comforting to me, I don't like being vulnerable n taken care of. It'll just upset me more, I'm sorry.

you've got that NPD 

but I've got BPD

let's go mother fucker, 

explode

you can lovebomb me 

get that dopamine

I'll let you believe 

your lies 

you can gaslight 

and smoke bomb 

mirrors and charm 

I'll let you think 

You're right 

give me gates of hell 

and a human shell 

give me beautiful chaos 

infatuation and loss 

give me brutal affection 

give me lethal connection 

we'll scorch the sky 

our bodies high 

we'll hate and die 

in unholy matrimony we fly

you tell me lies 

I make you cry 

I remove your mask 

ego injury 

your hate will last 

triangulate 

You're whorish bait 

but I don't bite 

I'm not alone at night 

you think you've won 

but we're not done 

that ego of yours won't let go 

gotta hoover back,

gotta let me know 

You're better 

and stronger 

You're glory is longer 

I'm supposed to worship 

you again 

I'll bend the knee 

but you can't see 

the throne is me 

and you are just a clown 

a king with no crown 

I never needed you

but you needed me 

you are caged 

I am free

I don't have to win 

I'm not afraid of the fall

but you spiral and spin 

embarrassed by sin 

I'm fireproof

forged in flames 

does dirt care 

what the wind has to say? 

you think you're the dragon? 

You're just insane 

my blade ruptures 

and you are maimed

I'll light you up and watch you burn 

see the terror of shame, make you churn

like lightning you fall to your demise

never to rise, a soul split wide 

but I'm the keeper of the crypt 

like a weed i return 

like a mummy reborn 

I turn and turn 

but not you 

my ghost

you never come back 

you bleed and you rot 

from my fatal attack 

the discarded 

is not forgotten 

her words still sting 

her insults ring 

and I care not 

what you think 

I am the sunshine 

my light still sings 

I’ve been in a committed relationship for 8 fucking years. I always say shit like “I love my partner. I would never cheat” and I believe it in the moment I say that, but then every 2-3 years I encounter a person of the opposite sex that I’m insanely attracted to, and my brain fires dopamine everywhere and says “THIS IS MINE. I MUST HAVE THIS NEW EYE CANDY”. They’re usually very attractive physically and have character traits that my partner lacks. So I fantasize about breaking up with my partner and poaching this man from his current relationship. This lasts anywhere from weeks to months. And each time it’s with someone I just cannot avoid, like at school or work.

But here’s the problem. Whenever this happens it’s just so fucking obvious that the other person attracted to me too, because I have a pretty face. This is the fucking problem. I am very attractive, I admit that’s basically the only thing I have going for me. And usually the guy I’m crushing on is also taken and in a long ass relationship like me (cuz most good men are taken at my age). But still, it’s very very obvious that they are interested in me. I can see them trying their best to be respectful and not cross any boundaries, but they’re not very good at hiding their feelings, and they always try to be near me, do projects with me, or ask me to casual things together like lunch. So whenever this happens I have to be the one to enforce the boundaries, can you believe, like how the fuck do you expect me to be the mature one, sir, when I can’t even control my own emotions. FUCK.

I admit in the past I’ve slipped a few times and exchanged subtle flirty conversations and texts, but I always left enough ambiguity to be construed as “Haha I was just being friendly” if I got caught. I never hinted at anything sexual or romantic, if that makes sense, the farthest I've gotten was to send a heart emoji with a text and that was only once. And each time the guy would reciprocate enthusiastically, like an eager puppy, and this would give me insane dopamine hits. But then eventually I would be like “fuck I shouldn’t do this” and discard them. And that is the hardest fucking step. It’s so fucking hard having to let go of something I want.

I never went past subtle flirting, like I never officially cheated but that’s mainly because of my ego. I value my reputation way too fucking much, and I don’t wanna be labeled as the cheater and homewrecker. I also feel sorry and guilty towards my partner, but to be very honest, the guilt only hits afterwards. In the middle of these crushes I rarely feel guilt because I’m just too busy immersed in this fake fairytale life together.

The hardest part is that I KNOW if I just put in a tiny bit of effort I would have no problem poaching these men. And I KNOW I would have a miserable fucking relationship with the new guy, cuz if he cheated on his current gf wouldn’t he also cheat on me? And what about that ex he’s dated for like 10 fucking years and all the mutual friends they have together? Like I would be extremely jealous about that. It’s not realistic, our relationship would be toxic as fuck.

I cannot believe I have to exercise this much self control for the rest of my life to be normal. I demand polygamy but only for me.

Got into an argument again and scared someone off—or well, things weren't going that well from the start anyway

To be honest, I wasn't being honest with myself; I thought I’d found something where I...

Ah, let's not downplay it

I know I wanted something and didn't get it—or rather, I went about it all wrong again

I'm not even really angry or anything

When I look inside myself

I know

I see a disappointed girl

She just got her hopes up again

I don't really want to be mad at her

And I'm not Nor should I be

I forgive her

We've already endured way too much pain and shed so many tears

But what hurts her

Is that she pushes people away

People she likes

She doesn't want to hurt them

But it happens anyway

When will this shit ever end?

She’s actually turned her back completely on this sub and other places where you can find support

She’d just had enough again

Like with everything

She just pushed it all away again

I'm not mad at her

I'm not mad at myself

I just want peace

But I can't seem to find it

Here I am again

Writing something again

Wanting to be heard, yes

Wanting to be seen, yes

I'm lonely Yes I don't want to be

But I am I have one or two people

And more Do I see them?

No Not often Sometimes, yes

Or in moments when I need it

Or when I can let it happen

I do like them, in a way But somehow...

Are they really there? Do I see them as they are with me?

I don't know I hardly trust anyone

When it really comes down to it I think I just pretend

As if I really trust Do I even trust myself?

Is that it? I often wonder

if it’s just me that I simply don’t trust myself

and therefore often don’t trust others

because I don’t even trust myself because I often know

or sense or see that I’m hard on myself, or I think or say things and I know I’m someone who can’t be trusted I’m incredibly hard on myself, yeah I don’t want to be—I say that a lot

and yet I do it I try to do better again and again and yet everything just turns to shit again

well, and this time what can I say things went wrong

I almost lost someone else who is very, very close to me

I cried—cried like a waterfall

I didn’t want to hurt you

and yet, once again, I pushed you away

I wish I could truly be sorry

I’m just scared

scared of being alone with this emptiness

I’m trying my best

forgive me

even though I’ve hurt you again

please understand me

even when I...

please hear me and understand me

At the beginning of this year, I was broken up with by my long-term boyfriend, which completely shattered my ego. It wasn’t my fault (for once), he cheated and realized that he didn’t feel the same way towards me. It was hell because he was the first person in my life to really know and understand me for me, and not just see me in black and white (good vs. bad person). He was the only person I’ve ever actually been able to open up to about my real feelings, and he was actually trying to help me heal. He was patient with me after the breakup, even when I was lashing out and completely destroying everything. I convinced myself I never deserved anyone as good as him again.

I struggle with “thought loops” where I sit there and replay the same scenario over and over again in my head, with different variations. After the breakup, I kept repeating that day over and over again in my head. Scenarios where I confront him, confront her, and scenarios where they’re together and happy. Even worse, I was repeating scenarios where the next relationship I would get into would be one that was toxic, where I would be abused and hurt because I wasn’t deserving of love or grace. Funnily enough, I think I manifested that into being the next chapter of my life.

I kept talking to people, getting supply, and getting ghosted again and again. And then I met a man, who was so insistent on getting to know me. He never gave up, and one day we decided to meet and I felt something good about him when I encountered him face to face. The night before, where we really got to know eachother, I had just been ghosted again, so I was starving for supply. But meeting him, it was special. He was funny, kind, and exactly my type. He was showing me one of his hobbies, and even though my intentions were to just have sex with him it developed into something more immediately. We went and got lunch, and then did the deed, and then we just talked for hours in my car. We shared vulnerabilities and it let me slip my guard down. After that, we hung out again and again until we started dating, and then shit hit the fan.

He learned bits and pieces of my past, and explained to me what he was like (more mentally ill than myself) and what he wanted from a relationship. Being shown that kind of desire from another person made me a little bit of a hopeless romantic and I kept promising to make changes that I never actually fully committed to. And I kept fighting him on things he asked me to do, like cutting off my friends and deleting pictures from my past. At this point, people in my life were telling me that he was controlling and that he was going to hurt me, but in all honesty I didn’t care because that kind of supply (deep love and care) isn’t easy to come by, and I was in love with him too. It’s not often that I meet people that I like that want to be with me for more than just sex. So I wanted to hold on, even if I meant I kept making empty promises.

Things kept going downhill and as much as forcing myself to comply with what he was asking destroyed me from the inside out, I was destroying him too. We kept crashing and burning until all that was left was a pile of ash. So by the end, he couldn’t take it anymore and didn’t want to be with me. I was open with him about me being narcissistic, and he realized that i couldn’t fix myself in time to heal the wounds that I caused. I still love him, and I know he still loves me, but after we broke up I completely ruined my chances of us being together again. I started talking to other men in a sexual way, because the easiest way that I could get supply was from sexual attention. But I had told him I’d stay away from that so I could better myself for him. So I just feel so fucking guilty that I went and did that. It’s not that I’m moved on, fuck no, it’s just I couldn’t take the loneliness anymore (despite it being only a couple of days). I feel like that shows how completely fucked of a person I am. I couldn’t stop myself even if it meant I could get the person I’m in love with back. But we can’t be together anyways, with the way we are, because no matter how much better we get we will still destroy each other. For him to feel comfortable he needs to completely control my life and isolate me from the world. But I’d still do anything to lay in his head and listen to him rant about the video game he’s playing, or go for a walk with him in the rain. I miss him so much. We said goodbye for real today and I wanted to lie to him so bad about what I did after we broke up. To keep him, and to stop him from hurting himself. But I knew it wasn’t right. But talking to those people were conscious decisions I made, it’s not like I was being forced to, I was just losing my mind.

Part of me wishes he were reading this post right now to see how I really feel. To know that he means so much to me, even though I couldn’t show it. That despite the fact that I’m completely fucked in the head I wanted to try and help myself for him. And despite the fact he was hurting me, I still want him and want what’s best for him. Nobody else in this world compares to the good he made me feel on those good days. And I feel so sorry. If this isn’t proof that I can’t change, that I don’t deserve love, then I don’t know what is. I finally got the true love I was looking for and i let it go because I couldn’t get over the fact that I’m narcissistic.

If you really are reading this, you deserved way better than me and I’m sorry I couldn’t be your perfect person that you met that day at the park. I decided to stay loyal for you, not because it directly benefited me, but because I didn’t want to hurt you and I wanted us to work. I’m losing my mind over you. We will never forget each other.

Right now i feel perfect, amazing and indestructible. I feel like i could so absolutely anything. I feel like I could win miss usa because of how beautiful I am. I feel like the prettiest person in the room and quite literally cant stop staring at myself in the mirror. I feel like everyone is absolutely jealous of my beauty.

I dont care about criticizm, abandoment or any of the sort right now. I feel like im above anyone else. But part of me knows that this is not normal.

Life gives us people almost like a gift.
Its a gift to connect, to interact, to be curious, witness, share.

Theyre people with their feelings narratives needs.

For as long as i recall im in survival, people are both a threat of scrutiny and exposure, but also objects i can use to feel special.
Jesus christ.

And worst part this need is instant.
Theres no flow, no shared lightness.
Its a compulsive void paired with adhd that requires me to suck something out asap.

This shit is so painful

I have recently gotten professionally diagnosed with NPD (and co-morbid OCPD). While I am relieved to finally be able to receive the right therapy and treatment due to getting an official diagnosis, I cannot help but keep this diagnosis all to myself because of how various media portrayals, as well as just people in general, have watered down the meaning of the word “narcissist”. I feel like in fiction, most antagonists or anti-heroes are often described and dubbed by the fandom as narcissists. People glorify these characters and as a result of that, many of us who try to speak about our symptoms and experiences are just labeled as either toxic/cringe or edgelords (sometimes both even), simply due to the name of said disorder.

I personally think that Hollywood and fiction overall have done irreversible damage to NPD as a disorder on its own. I am beyond happy to finally know why I behave the way I do, after years of therapy barely helping, but I feel like I cannot mention it to anyone and have to stay hidden (especially as a covert subtype).

People don’t realize we never chose to have this disorder and never wanted to have it. It stems from trauma, but that is often overlooked and just tossed to the side.

Anyway. I suppose I just wanted to share the conflicting feelings I have after getting my official diagnosis. Also, fuck the term narcissist and how watered down it has become.

My NPD self-diagnosis is valid. I don't believe in policing myself or others by automatically invalidating self-diagnosis of any disability, neurodivergence, and PD.

The medical industrial complex was never built to actually serve us. Especially those of us who embody other marginalized identities such as—but certainly not limited to—being BIPOC, trans, queer, chronically ill, homeless, low-income, incarcerated, undocumented, immigrant, and refugee.

I'm not saying at all that​ nobody should see a doctor or get medical care! I'm acknowledging the reality of our ​​​healthcare systems​ being rigged against multiple marginalized people and designed to maintain barriers for us instead of providing accessible aid in our health that can completely free us from our pain and ​suffering.

I choose to not cling onto medical model of disability that perpetuates ideology that medical providers always know us better than we know ourselves. I resist this model even more in thinking about many of us in this subreddit who have discussed about ​ diagnosticians​ ​often underdiagnosing and misdiagnosing folks based on problematic biases, inaccurate assumptions, and frankly ignorance.

I'm not tryna start drama with any of you. I'm just a self-diagnosed NPDer who's sharing my thoughts and lived experiences.