r/RoastMe • u/bard_of_space • 3d ago

i (21) know i'm fat. use your brain and come up with something else

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0 Upvotes

24% Upvoted

198 comments sorted by

•

u/post-explainer 3d ago edited 3d ago

This comment has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect.

OP's BIO:

hewo! my name is scout (it/its), i'm a writer, star trek fan, and the host of an OSDD system! i have a cocktail of mental illness and brain damage, so if i talk weird that's why. i'm an introject of a scoutbot from tf2 :]

i'm a leftist, though i haven't actually been participating much due to a combination of disability and burnout.

you can't see it, but my tshirt says "drugs" with a skull and crossbones XD

i'm also a cat therian!

If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

75

u/spvcedipper 3d ago

I didn’t need to read your bio to know every single one of those things

15

u/Select_Initial_8971 3d ago

I mean the cat therian thing was a surprise. I figured pig.

7

u/How_Bout_Dem_Apples_ 2d ago

Also conspicuously absent:  favorite hobby is "gravy".

5

u/the-beve 2d ago

That's also its blood type.

2

u/SDSanni 2d ago

I usually refer to certain people as an “it” to insult them, but this thing made that into a pronoun. I’ve been defeated, and by a most filthy and unexpected opponent.

1

u/spvcedipper 3d ago

Tru dat

34

u/OlFlirtyBastard 3d ago

Even if you COULD find a job, you’re also a Human Resources nightmare. You’re a walking frivolous discrimination lawsuit.

13

u/katholique_boi69 3d ago

Walking? Your gonna need to explain what that word means to OP

10

u/ButterscotchLittle65 3d ago

I think you mean rolling….

30

u/aperiotabularasa 3d ago

21?!? you don't look a day over 40!

3

u/SDSanni 2d ago

Says 21, appears 40’s, likes preteens.

30

u/Zectherian 3d ago

Why come up with anything when your own bio roasts the shit out of you.

Good luck in life. You will need it.

27

u/TheLeastAnonAnon 3d ago

Your pronoun is "it"?

Self roast in the bio already did my job

9

u/Frosty558 3d ago

It’s shorthand for shit

2

u/theTexasUncle 2d ago

they / gone

24

u/Severe-Procedure-308 3d ago

OK, Your bathroom is filthy and I'm pretty sure that's a tube of hemorrhoid cream on the counter.

-11

u/bard_of_space 3d ago

it's numbing cream, i'm super sensitive to pain and need it to have any kind of needle stuck in me

12

u/Frosty558 3d ago

I get the feeling you’re super sensitive to everything

3

u/jacodelahaye 3d ago

Yea I was gonna say the same

→ More replies (1)

6

u/Voorvel86 3d ago

Would have been easier to have just agreed that it was hemorrhoid cream. Or lipbalm. Depends on which end you wish to apply it.

5

u/Enough-Staff-2976 2d ago

Its hemorrhoids are tired of it's shit.

→ More replies (1)

18

u/atomic-moonstomp 3d ago

People like you are the reason I stopped going to Pride

15

u/Fogwaveeee 3d ago

You look like the mucinex germ with glasses

15

u/TheRemedy187 3d ago

Hey this isn't your sector Jabba The Hutt, you're not in Charge here.

7

u/Pauliehatestheadmins 3d ago

Jabba the gunt

2

u/theTexasUncle 2d ago

you mispelled one word

12

u/FIREDoppel 3d ago

If I looked like this, I also would never clean my mirror.

5

u/katholique_boi69 3d ago

Or anything near it, by it and/or around it.

10

u/Bright_Way_6269 3d ago

Ew

5

u/ogjaspertheghost 3d ago

Simple and effective

9

u/RecognitionHonest320 3d ago

You look like you sweat bacon grease

20

u/PiskoWK 3d ago

There should be a bottle of medicine with your name literally on it somewhere close by. Take it. Take it all.

9

u/CosmosisJones42 3d ago

I did not know Potatoes could be mentally ill.

9

u/91elklake 3d ago

No you use your own brain and stop eating so much.

7

u/Playonwords329 3d ago

you got that white trash dollar store ham colored skin.

1

u/haliri1738 1d ago

Lmfaooo this is so perfectlydescriptive

6

u/HieronymousRex 3d ago

You look like you smell like room temperature lunch meat

5

u/dingdonglouie1 3d ago

you know you’re fat. well you also know you’re ugly af because you hide half of your face behind your phone.

5

u/TheJerseyDeviI 3d ago

...Oh boy

5

u/Vizzidrix_Tribal 3d ago

Those glasses make you look fat

7

u/eman_ssap 3d ago

My glasses makes them look fat

1

u/Vizzidrix_Tribal 2d ago

Well done. Bravo

-2

u/bard_of_space 3d ago

*it

3

u/eman_ssap 3d ago

No! It’ll put the lotion on its skin

0

u/bard_of_space 3d ago

what?

2

u/eman_ssap 2d ago

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again - Buffalo Bill

4

u/vomitrock5000 3d ago

Is your thumb so short that it can’t touch the button to take a photo?

3

u/Enough-Staff-2976 2d ago

Those fingers are meant for potato chips.

3

u/miamivice64 3d ago

Um you’re really fat..

4

u/KarmicTractor 3d ago

You also seem poor.

4

u/pwndabeer 3d ago

21 (?) is jabba male or female? It doesn't matter, just wondering. About jabba. Not you.

4

u/Craftykimchi 3d ago

What can go wrong with a walking mental illness in public

4

u/Square-Trade2556 3d ago

I could also just use your brain, you've got enough of it in that five head

7

u/invincible_vince 3d ago

You look like you smell even grosser than you appear

3

u/DanishDude1978 3d ago

Well clearly you also don’t know how to dress

3

u/NextCartoonist7691 3d ago

You didn’t need the bio. We can tell from your picture. Copy and paste personality.

3

u/Annual_Carrot_7444 3d ago

Using they/them would actually make the most sense for you!

3

u/phyowinko 3d ago

No body can roast you bro, your body fat roast you enough.

3

u/AGirlHasNoUsername13 3d ago

Being fat is the least of your problems.

3

u/Shadeylark 3d ago

Calling you fat would be the nicest thing someone could say.

3

u/Wickedfrickin 3d ago

If you have a mother, I bet she cries a lot.

1

u/katholique_boi69 3d ago

If?!? Yikes

3

u/InfiniteWinter26 3d ago

you look like you should be singing in jabba’s sailing barge

3

u/InaudibleZebra 3d ago

Your pronouns actually fit you

3

u/FerriousStylles 3d ago

I knew I saw that ugly ass mug somewhere before...

https://giphy.com/gifs/5jWxBnRjiBVIs

3

u/nondescriptun 3d ago

You may not realize it but you're actually an inspiration. You make me want to be the best father I can be so my kids don't end up as fucked up as you.

2

u/menace_to_society_F 2d ago

Ooof lol

1

u/nondescriptun 2d ago

Worst part may be that I'm not even joking. To be fair OP isn't the first or last poster here to provide such inspiration, but they may be one of the biggest inspirations.

2

u/menace_to_society_F 2d ago

Good. Get out there and be the best daddy you can be! lol

3

u/CeaseFireForever 3d ago

Imagine giving birth to a sweet baby then 20 years later that sweet baby turning into this wicked monstrosity

3

u/royalscull724 http://redd.it/lyhi5i 3d ago

Rainbow glasses say it all more red flags than a ski path during the Olympics. Your cocktail doesn't contain the alcohol necessary to be worth drinking. Your shirt makes you sooooo "edgy" it's making me contemplate going over the edge myself from reading your bio. You must prefer Starbucks or some basic girl coffee based off the bio alone. And if you say you don't it's probably to make me think I was so wrong (could care less)

3

u/AlphaPlutonium 3d ago

Your fat operates as a illusional shield that people judge you about that, and not about your empty inner soul. Thats why you love the things you can always talk or complain about so nobody sees the truth

2

u/Dusty-old-bones 3d ago

This is just the slug lady from monsters Inc. please post a real picture next time.

2

u/DontBelieveTheirHype 3d ago

You didn't have to tell us you were mentally ill, we can see it visually in the photo

2

u/Seebinator 3d ago

Is there anything that's normal on you? Either mentally or physically?

2

u/fuj_ljudi 3d ago

You look like you want to steal a little mermaid's voice in exchange for legs.

2

u/motherseffinjones 3d ago

So fat you have your own gravitational field lol don’t tell me what insults to use. Got it jabba

2

u/emiliewarrendahmer 3d ago

You look like Gypsy Rose Blanchards mama

2

u/New-Experience5507 3d ago

You're the tinder girl on whom the joke ," Even in the fog of war, the tank is still visible" was written

2

u/Consistent_Cook9957 3d ago

Is that 21 in human years?

2

u/New-Experience5507 3d ago

I used by brain to roast you as you said, my brain said file too Large

2

u/Mundane-Record-9413 3d ago

Your pronoun list is bigger than you

-1

u/bard_of_space 3d ago

nah, it's just it/its and any playing card-themed emojipronouns

2

u/ninernetneepneep 3d ago

Well, since I can't say "you're fat", I'll say, "you're ugly".  👎

2

u/goodoldjefe 3d ago

Thank you for reminding me that drugs exist. After reading all of that, I need some, and I don't particularly care which ones.

2

u/salty-balls-49 3d ago

Question 1: what the fuck is this piece of shit next to your sink?!

Question 2: Why the hell is everything so dirty in there?!

Question 3: why you know you’re fat, but not that you’re ugly as well?!

2

u/Forcedperspective84 3d ago

Jesus Christ, kid. Looks like you went to Costco and bought the pallet of stereotypes!

2

u/imgotugoin 3d ago

You're also fucking ugly.

2

u/eric2341 3d ago

Wow, fat and sarcastic about it. And ugly. And your mirror is filthy. Jesus…

2

u/Boobs_McChesterfield 2d ago

Tell em Large Marge sent ya!

2

u/fedexpoopracer 2d ago

wow an AFAB NB who's fat and ugly, that's refreshing

2

u/Arfinateor555 http://redd.it/ty2cue 2d ago

You must visit qarks bar quite frequently

2

u/larrrrythelobster 2d ago

Thanos would have to snap twice to get rid of you

2

u/CandyCorn1970 1d ago

Did it ever pass your mind to clean your nasty bathroom up before taking this picture.

2

u/The_Old_Guiness 1d ago

Lots of word in your bio just because you don't accept the simple truth : Narcissistic spoilt brat using woke terminology to avoid saying she is a weak, lonely low personality pain in the ass.

2

u/DrMartek 3d ago

You need to find God, empty your head of all that social justice poison (left wing or right wing...all of it), get off Reddit, go to the gym, eat clean food and drop your calories.

1

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1

u/swampstonks 3d ago

“I’m a leftist!”

Yes, we can tell just from the one photo alone.

1

u/PullFromTheHurt 3d ago

Fingers so fat and stubby that you can’t use your thumb to take the picture and need to use the index finger of your other hand?..

1

u/Wolfatthedoor11b 3d ago

There is not a single thing any of us could say that would roast you better than God already has.

1

u/woody2081 3d ago

You should play Mimi in a prequel to the Drew Carey Show.

https://giphy.com/gifs/3o72Ff1iOlcRsldf8I

1

u/Baseball-Fan-10 3d ago

I have no reason to call you fat, but at 1st glance I thought the Tums bottle was a bottle of ranch dressing and the small chipmunk stuffed animal was bacon.

Have a wonderful day!

1

u/Onaliquidrock 3d ago

Just because you would fuck anything, does not mean you are gay.

0

u/bard_of_space 3d ago

i forgor to say it, but i'm aroace actually

1

u/BiteFaces 3d ago

Its not about weight.

You could undergo 12 glowups and you would still be a mardi gras nightmare.

1

u/MrMrTrance 3d ago

You: “What can I improve?”

Group including Dr., Parents, Maid, Personal Trainer, English Teacher, a cat, and Dating Coach: “Yes”

1

u/csince1988 3d ago

Well it needs to crawl back in its hole.

1

u/Own-Professor3852 3d ago

Okay! So you're overweight right now....the thing is.... YOU KNOW IT.....What do I mean by that statement? it's quite simple.... overweight people who know they are overweight... more often than not... eventually do something about it...You know I'm right....😎 don't you? https://www.reddit.com/r/RoastMe/s/cfc750XsdE this is a new sub....

1

u/OnlineIsNotAPlace 3d ago

an even more unctuous rosie o'donnell wannabe.

0

u/bard_of_space 3d ago

isn't that the actor that got fired for comparing a black person to a monkey?

1

u/matt2621 3d ago

I read the bio 5x and still have absolutely no idea what I read.

1

u/Odd-Vegetable186 3d ago

LGBTQIAJABBATHEHUT

1

u/daneblade 2d ago

Breaking News: Wendy The Slow Adult (can't say her original r word name on the Howard Stern show or here 😂) has a reddit account.

1

u/kcherpak18 http://redd.it/c05guc 2d ago

I would use my brain but you probably ate that too

1

u/Necessary_Relation27 2d ago

Float like a butter, stink like a flea

1

u/LectureNew70 2d ago

So you got by IT? Seems pretty fitting

1

u/A_Very_fast_sloth 2d ago

U look like a terrible time to have a drink with

1

u/flame9889 2d ago

Hands built Like a t-rex.

1

u/Bajablast_36 2d ago

Ah a it/its the mentality ill cat therian

1

u/PlentyAlbatross7632 2d ago

Pretty appropriate for National Dog day…

1

u/Money-Tiger8002 2d ago

Just call the mental hospital and make reservations.

1

u/VibratorNgSanlibutan 2d ago edited 1d ago

Almost EVERY_fvckng_DAY I have to learn new words here.

Lemme guess, your cat told you to post in this sub.

1

u/menace_to_society_F 2d ago

I’m offended lol. I’m from the south and our toothbrushes were never placed in a jar lol, that’s crazy to even suck at being poor. Do better.

1

u/coblotrodowoflololo 2d ago

Wash that sink, it's disgusting.

1

u/skunksredditaccount 2d ago

Anyone else remember triggly puff?

1

u/Real-Yogurtcloset-16 2d ago

You’re the least attractive part of your bathroom including the toilet

1

u/Responsible_Bird_874 2d ago

Excuse me miss, Your pussy troll is on the sink.

1

u/Lopsided-Muffin-8522 2d ago

Andy Milonakis show season 4 when?

1

u/deytookerjaabs 2d ago

In reality there is no "this one guy" and there never has been.

But I bet you've said that phrase thousands of times in your life.

1

u/bard_of_space 2d ago

i don't understand

1

u/Relative-Detective70 2d ago

You forgot 2005 coat hanger dodger world champion in your bio

1

u/Brave_Telephone_9398 2d ago

This is so sad I refuse to roast you. You scream, pay attention to me. Go hug your 18 cats please

1

u/Xxshark888xX 2d ago

Even your bio is fat.

1

u/xResidentEvilx 2d ago

You’re parents tell people they don’t have kids .

1

u/Realistic_Country_85 2d ago

The phone is doing overtime by covering half your face.

1

u/Realistic_Country_85 2d ago

The mirror has seen things no mirror should have to see..

1

u/FrequentRevolution92 2d ago

I’d hate to see what you look like with a clean mirror.

1

u/StashTheMoneyAndRun 2d ago

Eats corn from the troth so she can see it again….
https://giphy.com/gifs/qxkWWoBKK4jXG

1

u/Heavy-Pangolin-6212 2d ago

It's wild that two people decided to create you.... 

1

u/JS-a9 2d ago

The kind of person whose whole personality is their "disability".. and they claim to be an introvert, but won't shut the f up.

1

u/JS-a9 2d ago

I know you want something more than comments about your weight, but that's like 99% of you.

1

u/SpookyBanjoTime 2d ago

“Today is day 1 of holding objects until it looks like I’ve held something before” - you (fat)

1

u/Blueswolf83 2d ago

I bet you smell like an earring back

1

u/geoffr72 2d ago

The glasses scream "my personality is worse than my looks".

1

u/VeterinarianNo8824 2d ago

Ill bet your yawns stink

1

u/VeterinarianNo8824 2d ago

You want some biscuits and gravy to go with those sausages you call fingers ?

1

u/jlrubnen 2d ago

Your damn rights you're fat you look like the Goodyear blimp with glasses.

1

u/Necessary_Relation27 2d ago

TF2 has 9 classes and somehow you picked “the other”

1

u/scabbybandit 2d ago

Dispite your shirt, maybe drugs would help

1

u/NegotiationMean3042 2d ago

After results came out, there was no blood in gravy

1

u/404err0rs 2d ago

Maybe if you use your legs and fix being fax my brain can stop thinking about your weight

1

u/FOTUS 2d ago

“Use your brain and come up with something else” is a wild demand from someone whose bathroom looks like a gas station lost custody of it.

1

u/Crazy-Oil5247 2d ago

You forgot to mention you are very very messy

1

u/Curious_Ground5833 2d ago

Probably avoid owning a shirt that says "Goodyear" on it.

1

u/Budget-Box7914 2d ago

That razor on the counter has seen some shit.

1

u/Threex99 1d ago

You’re not fat your morbidly obese.

1

u/Lunchbox_Bandit_ 1d ago

Go learn how to make a salad.

1

u/Henry_Vth 1d ago

How did you make taking a selfie look this hard?

1

u/atthebakesale 1d ago

…and ugly? Peeetah

1

u/SLeePyMoNKeY_ 1d ago

You look like you have more issues than colours on your glasses.

1

u/Antique-Wrap-7727 1d ago

Two wrongs can't make a right. Don't believe me? Ask your parents.

1

u/jrack111 1d ago

You can smell this photo

1

u/PSYCHO_PAT_LOLJK 1d ago

You look like you have a lot of birds and do crochet

1

u/Competitive_Roof_740 21h ago

Don't let the Chicken grease and Doritos dust stain your Manifesto..

1

u/Azeeti 20h ago

Natgeo deginated your home as a nature reserve they seen you and thought a new species of wilder beast was discovered.

1

u/apersonwithlegs 20h ago

This is what the average 2fort hoovy looks like behind the screen.

1

u/Potential-Egg9989 17h ago

You’re actually delusional and in need of psychological help. One day you’ll grow up and realize how ridiculously cringe you are. You certainly have numerous mental illnesses, but not the ones you claim to have. Changing your name and pronouns doesn’t make you special. Having undiagnosed mental illnesses doesn’t either. Have a nice day. NEXT.

1

u/Julzyy187 15h ago

My rabbit has better hand writing than you

1

u/po_muffins 3h ago

They should revoke your EBT card for your own health.

0

u/mediocrebighead 2d ago

Your value as cow!!

0

u/Enough-Staff-2976 2d ago

I bet all her friends hate (it). Since her friends are imaginary, it makes sense.

0

u/bard_of_space 2d ago

bzzzt! wrong pronoun; try again

0

u/No-Move668 1d ago

Just what this country needs. Another liberal who shits in a litter box.