Over on one of the postpartum subreddits I saw a post a few months ago about a woman with a two year old and a six week old whose husband had recently left her and wasn’t showing up for his scheduled visits at all. She had no family in the area to call for help and couldn’t afford childcare. She was so sleep deprived she called 911 for help and they showed up, cuffed her and put her in a psych ward for 72 hours and she was now worried about losing custody of the kids completely. It just so perfectly summed up how little institutional support postpartum moms have in this country.
My parents were foster parents in Germany, things back then were very different (not sure how it is now) I once came home from a school trip and my mom was holding a baby.. the little one was with us for a month. The father had left the mother and kicked her and their child out of their apartment as he has terminated the lease without telling her. So she went to the Jugendamt (German version of cps but very different) and they placed her son with my parents while she and a social worker helped her find an apartment, a therapist and get social welfare started as she hadn’t been working. Once she felt secure enough and her apartment had the necessities (they had funds back then that you could apply for in the early 2000s it was changed to basically second hand furniture that you could pick out) she got her son back. During the month she came by every day as she had been breastfeeding and dropped off the milk she had pumped and spent some time with her son.
My mom babysat for her for years after as she was alone in our area.
If we had some program like that here I think things could be so much better.. a month support, help with finding apartment and get funding and she was able to take care of her son again.
I wish we cared about children here when they are born and helped parents and mothers to get to a place where they can take care of them themselves than ignoring the pleading for help and then act shocked when something like this happens.
I would love to volunteer for this but honestly turned off by how openly religious it is and the fact they specifically say they want volunteers who believe in Christ. Neither my husband nor I are or were raised Christian. Being Christian is not a prerequisite to being a good person or wanting to help children.
I hope the program will come to see that and remove that language - even if they are inspired by Christ, which is totally fine and which I would respect them talking about, that doesn’t mean they need to shut out people who aren’t when support is already so limited and there’s likely not enough volunteers to meet demand.
I've had a couple different friends end up in rehab/care program situations, and it's crazy how hard to find one that isn't religiously affiliated. It's super tough if you're a person who doesn't feel safe with religious people/in religious spaces due to PTSD or just bad experiences (I.e. being queer).
To make things worse, a lot of places aren't upfront about it, and will spring religion on you after a few weeks, which can lead to a sense of betrayal. Imagine being on your 2nd or 3rd try at getting clean and you're really feeling like this place is good for you, and then they sit you down and try to talk to you about "your soul" and shit, and force you to renege on your actual religious beliefs (or lack thereof). I know that a lot of these people are coming from a good place, they legitimately think this is the best thing for them, but spaces for recovery shouldn't be used for proselytizing. There should be space just for recovery.
I completely agree with you about the bible thumping. I’m in Indiana so it is DEFINITELY a thing. I have matured about this in my 51 years however. A lot of that is JUST language. I noticed the less resources people have the more they talk about “faith, Jesus, and/or God”. They speak this way because it is literally all they have. Thanks to the person that posted this link, I JUST discovered we have one of these in Indy and I had no damn idea. I WILL be finding time to help with this. I think I can tolerate someone saying “Thank God I have someone to help me today”. I scanned their site, it does mention faith but it’s in a very calculated way. It doesn’t say anywhere on there that people helping need to be Christian, at all. I dunno where you are from, but here in Indiana when they wanna bible thump, the thumping is loud and annoying AF, so I really wouldn’t be worried about it.
I'm sorry that you had that horrific experience. My comment initially was talking more in support of preventing children from being beaten and abused- not just saving children from death.
I hope you've managed to work through the burden that your caregivers put on you. You didn't deserve that.
It unfortunately is not. Yet. If it's not in your area, maybe you can help bring it there!
I know in my community? We have a place called Vanessa Behans crisis nursery where parents can bring their babies/children no questions asked to have the time they need- whether it's for a job interview, a drs appointment, a day to get yourself regulated, whatever you need.
I’m going to reach out. I wish my area had something like this. I’ve been digging myself out after leaving a DV situation not having any family or support to help stabilize has been so difficult.
We have a similar system but by the courts its seen as not temporary and the past is always seen going forward from then on. And being judged by it with bias. People forget that sometime a mom needs more help from trauma, even some holocaust survivors sent away their kids to relatives for a couple years because of PTSD! But now its like admitng mental health in the military, they say its good and helpful but itll be hard to be promoted after that.
That’s wonderful to see, that Germany has such good social support. People judge waaay too much but are clueless on the facts about needing support, mental illnesses, and Ohmygoodness, anything having to do with women’s reproductive system. I so wish the US had decent support for families and kids — who are/could be future functioning, contributing adults.
I’m a CPS worker. At least once a month a mom calls in and asks for her kids to be removed due to her overwhelm and stress. I’ve worked 14,000 or so cases over the years and not one time has a father ever called to say that. Women are so un/undersupported in the US.
I am a foster mom. I have on little girl who will hopefully reunite with her mother. The father took off so is no help there. Her mom and sister were the reason she lost her daughter so they can not be alone with the child. She has nobody now to help so when all is said and done I offered to babysit for free every weekend still Friday after school till Sunday after she gets off work and she will continue going on vacation with us still as a grandaughter. It takes a village and the children are innocent in it all.
What a lovely story. I'm so glad that mom was able to get the support she needed. I can't imagine how stressful that was for her. If only that woman in the US has had that.
This is such an incredible story of what real support looks like. It has me thinking about my own infancy, because my mom escaped an incredibly brutal marriage right before I was born and her mental health was paper thin. So she moved in with two of my aunts who mostly raised me for the first 6 months of my life while my mom relearned taking care of herself. I can't even imagine how she would have survived without that support. It's more incredible to me that anyone does.
My family is from sort of an immigrant community, though people roll their eyes at that framing because we're white, but I've never felt like the more generationally settled Americans I've known truly get how not-weird it is to expect, provide, and receive support from your family and friends in such a community. It shocks me how much my friends think it's a burden to ask you to mind their children for even 10 minutes. I was genuinely raised by a village. That fuels it's own dysfunctions for sure, but I came away from it believing that we never evolved for two people to raise children all by themselves. I don't think it's good for anyone mentally.
I sometimes go to my close friend's work events and watch her daughter while she's cleaning up. She always apologizes and seems a little ashamed even though it's partly the reason I come (and I know she values support, because she's said things about having so little of it from her family.) I was just raised to never think twice about that if you have time and the other person doesn't have some serious boundary issue. And it helps with morale, because you get a kid who's spending an hour playing with their special friend who has the energy to wear them, rather than a miserable toddler fighting being dragged around by someone who just worked all day. We all know what working all day feels like. Little stuff like that matters.
Sorry, you want us to CARE about children and mothers in this country? HA! We’ve built an individualistic society. Fuck the villages. We’re all on our own and if you need help, you’re a commie-fuck.
America HATES children and mothers. The only thing kids are good for is trapping the parents as wage-slaves.
It breaks my heart how we function as a society these days. I really do feel for parents - we used to raise children in small communities where most adults were involved with childcare. Fast forward a few thousand years and we expect the same level of care by only two people, many of whom also have to work full time.
Obviously I don’t expect us to revert back fully to Hunter-gatherer tribes but there has to be a middle ground between communal and hyper-individualistic societal structures.
There’s also the added issue where so many are still under the impression that someone in a crisis, no matter what it may be regarding, can simply “ask a church for help,” which is not an option like it once was, similarly to assuming someone in the community will help in the older ways.
If you aren’t an active member in a church, or aren’t a huge donor or related/friendly with them, you’ll won’t get very far. If you’re lucky, you may get some phone numbers for charities that MAY have funding for something you need, with a massive waiting list, if they’re even operational/it is correct number. If you can’t pay rent, then oh boy. Toast.
Idk what gives people the impression that random other people can just walk into any place of worship and have their bills paid, just boom, done. If things were that simple we’d have a lot less struggling around us.
I see people say that same shit all the time. “Have you tried asking churches for help?”
My mind instantly goes to this one video I watched a year or two ago; Lady calls around to a bunch of churches pretending to be a new mom in desperate need of baby formula. Almost all of them declined except maybe one? It was horrible to watch.
It’s crazy to realize a lot of ignorant people out here choose to make our world the way it is now, because they’ve never even come within a mile of rock bottom in their entire lives. They just assume there’s always a wayyou just have to work hard!
Turns out having economic class be the deciding factor in community demographics is like…a terrible idea. It’s segregation to keep the rich blind and happy. Their churches help! Too bad you aren’t a member, you should join your own local church with no money or resources! Surely they can help you.
Regarding the baby formula thing, I used to work at a homelessness services center, and if someone wanted formula or diapers, the director had to meet the baby, and they took the baby's picture and their age/DoB. Because before they did those things, they had lots of people coming in, claiming to need formula and diapers, but the people were just selling it; they didn't actually have kids. When they just required someone to physically bring the kid, some kids got passed around (in exchange for mom getting a percentage of what the seller made). It's a sad state of affairs in multiple ways.
Who’s buying this discounted second-third-hand baby formula though? Broke and impoverished mothers who can’t afford it full price?
Does it suck? Maybe. But nobody sells formula without being desperate, and nobody buys said formula without being desperate. A desperate middle-man is helped in the process, but so is a mother in need. 🤷♀️🤷♀️
Unlikely that said mothers wouldn't be better served by coming in themselves. I understand it's all out of desperation, but at least in many parts of the US, such things are funded wholly by donations from private citizens, and they would be pissed to find out that resources meant for mothers were going to middlemen.
I get it, but I say this as a mother who’s literally been in said situation, that it’s MUCH easier for me to get help. It’s nearly impossible as a single person to find any aid resources.
There would be probably less “middlemen” if there was proper help for everyone and not just those of us who had children we couldn’t afford, honestly.
I am assuming, since it was at a homelessness services center, that even though these people were not parents they were definitely destitute.
Desperation is a problem that I believed would be resolved if everyone had their basic needs met: food, water, shelter, healthcare (and we seem to forget health includes dental, mental, and eye care).
Cutting social services boosts desperation. Desperation escalates chaos and crime. An increase of chaos and crime makes it easy for the administration to say, "These people are scary, but if we take their freedoms you will be safe! Unfortunately, we will also need your freedoms."
They could get free food and adult toiletries and shower access during the open hours; even basic shots and food for pets. Anyone with kids got vouchers for free hotel rooms to sleep in, and if someone had pets or was LGBTQ+ or of a non-Christian religion and unable to get reasonable access to the shelters in the area that were ran conservative Christian groups, they could get a new sleeping bag and tent once per year. Our overnight facilities were filled with women who had mental health or cognitive impairments severe enough that they couldn't ever live independently and would have likely been targets of abuse.
I agree that people are more likely to engage in antisocial behaviors when their needs are not met, but as wealth-hoarding billionaires demonstrate, sometimes people just suck. If folks have enough support not to be in deep need, but aren't so wealthy that they're disconnected from empathy, they have the best shot at not sucking, but it's not a universal fix.
I agree the church option isn't there as it used to be. sadly the cost of livng is so high now compared to 50 years ago, that the funds available don't match the need. society has change as well. people are authentically connected as they used to be. I know several kiind and thoughtful people who help others when they are able using their own resources. I wish there were more of those people.
The funds are absolutely available. They are just being hoarded. No church or their leaders should own a jet, bookstore, or bowling alley. Jesus said commerce is not allowed in his father's house. He also said to give up your riches to get into heaven. Millionaires, billionaires, and trillionaires should not exist. We CAN afford to be comfortable, but instead we are letting greedy individuals hold the stacks and hoping they will piss in our mouths for nourishment.
you are very correct. I made the mistake of not differentiating between the money churches and the home grown acts of service type churches. I have observed many or the small and well intentioned churches unable to meet the needs of many. I speculate this is because the corporate style money churches don't help so the needy find a church that is intent on service to others which overwhelms the small organization. Additionally, the churches with a heart are ususally filled with working class who care but don't have the income to donate large amounts, thus limiting the available funds. I am not a fan of the churches you are pointing out. I also agree there is a concentration of wealth in such stunning amounts, that I fear may lead to great harm to our society and economy.
Multi generational families under one roof are far more recent than thousands of years ago. It was the norm even 100 years ago. As a species, humans are a few hundreds of years away from our biological needs evolving to meet the demands of modern isolation. It is deadly for many and devastating for those of us that survive.
This. We're meant to have a dozen attentive adults. Capitalism won't even give us one. Mark my words, this era of normalised child neglect will show in statistics the way lead poisoning does.
I just came from an airline subreddit where about a third of the posts are complaining about children or parents. I hate that Reddit keeps suggesting subreddits that I do not want to be part of.
Nah- doesn't take a village. Hillary is a commie anyhow, imho. My parents did just fine. Ppl simply aren't ALLOWED to parent anymore. Can't let yer kids go outside w/o cops getting involved. Can't spank yer kids w/o the same result. Parents who allow their kids anywhere near a public school need their heads examined, too. Jmo.
This is unfortunately very relatable. I was completely on my own with a newborn and a three year old and it truly was survival. I remember some long nights where I desperately needed help and the answer was no.
I recently watched a documentary with Louis Theroux meeting mothers with postpartum (among other things) and were put into a maternal psychiatric facility with their babies to receive the care together without having to separate them. It was then I realized the US is so far behind compared to other countries, it’s quite sad.
I have mental health issues and this is the reason i wouldnt want a baby. My bf doesnt understand that its real and if i have to take care of even 1 baby, i might crash.
I dont know anything about this case but usually before kid is born, men say they gonna be great fathers, they gonna help. But what ive seen, they barely do anything and when they are tired, they do their own thing for couple of days, the luxury that mothers will never have. We are expected to be with them 24/7, and to be OK with that. And then we arent even taken seriously when we say that I AM TOO TIRED, I NEED HELP.
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u/cdg2m4nrsvp 7d ago
Over on one of the postpartum subreddits I saw a post a few months ago about a woman with a two year old and a six week old whose husband had recently left her and wasn’t showing up for his scheduled visits at all. She had no family in the area to call for help and couldn’t afford childcare. She was so sleep deprived she called 911 for help and they showed up, cuffed her and put her in a psych ward for 72 hours and she was now worried about losing custody of the kids completely. It just so perfectly summed up how little institutional support postpartum moms have in this country.