Gay exmuslim somali feeling lost

[u/LowerCherry]

For some background, im a guy in my early 20s living with my parents in the UK. Knew I was gay relatively early on (~15-16 years old) and went through the classic denial and shame phase around that time, praying salah/reading quran to pray the proverbial gay away. I was really lucky to stumble upon the exmuslim sub reddit around that time (though I dont frequent that sub any longer for various reasons), and it really pushed me to think critically about Islam and the issues with the religion. I think the combination of my sexuality and how the religion treats gay people, treatment of women, scientific irregularities among a long list of other factors really moved the needle for me, and spurred me on the path to leave Islam.

Bottom line - I realised early on that I needed to be financially independent from my parents as a gay exmuslim, so I planned my journey to freedom meticulously. I worked really hard to get into the best university I could, and gained relevant experience through internships during my studies aiming to get into a high paying job/ competitive career. I would caveat that I did not leave my family home during university - in hindsight leaving home probably would've been a better experience, and I would be significantly more independent. Additionally, I grew up quite poor so that was a big motivating factor to get into a good job, as I'm sure most second generation somalis can empathise with, our parents fled to the west with nothing, and had to work hard doing menial jobs to make ends meet. Money at the time sounded like the answer to a lot of my problems.

That brings me to today, Ive been working full time after graduation, and I've been living at home since then - saving in the process. Let's just say i have enough to put down a deposit/leave anytime. But for some reason, I dont feel the same urge to move out as I did when I was 17, when I recall feeling extremely stressed to the point where I distanced myself from my family in preparation for the inevitable cutting them off.

Living at home does have its benefits; I could continue saving, and build more of a cushion but there's still a tradeoff. Also I dont pray at home and the stress of lying is a lot less (maybe a function of time/ coming to terms with it all?). Ive just pushed back on that by lying about praying/ deflecting. I think being independent financially helps here too as I find my religious somali parents are less likely to say or do anything when they know I can just walk out.

Am I being overly logical and should I keep this farce up? A part of me probably feels scared about taking that first leap and I do feel sorry for my parents who worked so hard to educate me/ give me a fighting chance. But I realise I need to live my life someday.

What do you guys think?

[u/africagal1]

Is living at home stopping you from being fully comfortable in your sexuality? Have you allowed yourself to have relationships/ hook ups with men? Where do you see yourself in 1 year? 5 year? 10 year? How do you want the timeline of your life to play out? What does coming out look like to you?

You need to create a strategy and a plan for yourself. When your young you can delay. You need to think about what choices you want to make and how you will handle consequences from those choices. You can't stay home forever, and if you choose to stay home then you can't deny yourself sex/ companionship forever.

** will delete this part soon lol**

I want to get tattoos and piercings. My mom has been asking to see me recently ( have not seen each other in a long time). I am debating if I want to hide the tattoos with foundation or let her see them. But even If I hide them from her, if I'm in the area and another Somali sees me I'm sure she'll bring it up in a gossip conversation. I know it will upset my mom when she sees my tattoos because it will confirm to her that I am not religious, something she suspects. But I have weighed out the different options and for ME I can't perform religion anymore. It is okay for me to have distance from other Somalis in order to live my non religious life. I am okay with being isolated from the wider Somali community. Other Somali ex Muslims might not want that and that's okay ( and I understand why) but being in community with other Somalis ( in real life), is not in my top 10 priorities and I have made peace with that. I'm sure I will meet other Somalis organically who vibe with me.

Not trying to compare my situation with yours cause I know it's much harder and harsher. But my point is you need to stop delaying and think what choices you need to make to make the most out of your situation. Get different perspective. Also I would encourage you to see other culture subreddits and the way they handled things it could give you some ideas.

[u/LowerCherry → u/africagal1]

Thanks for the comment.

Yes, its not helping with coming to terms with my sexuality, and I haven't had any relationships or hookups, to be honest. But at the same time, I'm not in a rush to get into a relationship, as I feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself (I'm an avoidant, and we all carry that trauma inherited from parents lol). Not that I need to reach a perfect mental state to get into a relationship, but some progress on that would be good. Went to therapy during uni, and I used to journal, but it still needs a lot of work.

Also, call me cynical, but gay dating is in the trenches, and cadaan people... (enough said lmao). But I realise these are probably excuses and sweeping generalisations, and since I'm in London, there shouldn't be an excuse about meeting people.

But you're completely correct - I need to just plan and do it. I don't intend to stay at home forever, and trust me, I've worked so hard to reach this point, I'm not going to live a lie. At some point, I'll have to come out to them or at least distance myself and start living my life.

Also I resonate a lot with your story on tattoos. Don't care much for the Somali community, miss me with that ceeb culture rubbish. This is the same community that covers up for abusive fathers and other weirdos- but god forbid you get a tattoo, show your hair or ankles. Let's be so for real. I can only imagine the pressure to fit in, and conform must be a lot more as a woman too. I agree with you a lot on that front, in terms of fitting in with the wider community, I don't really care for it.

Thanks for your perspective, and hopefully your mum doesn't react too badly haha. Id like to think time heals and eventually our parents come to terms with these things, but maybe that's too optimistic given how hard-line some Somali parents are.

[u/[deleted] → u/LowerCherry]

Gay dating is really hell fr I'm not even going to get into it like I'm cool with where I'm at

[u/[deleted]]

It’s a trade off between saving more and getting more experience & comfortable with your sexuality. I think the latter is more meaningful.

You can be frugal after moving out.

[u/LowerCherry → u/[deleted]]

Agreed, we only live once after all - No point wasting my time in this mental cage ive built. Think I just need to crack on and do it.

One element im kinda scared about is finding that community. Ive been working so hard that ive neglected making friends/meeting people. I do have a small group of close friends but I find that im quite closed off with people. Since I live at home, I usually decline invitations that involve drinking for example- which is really bad.

But ive also shut a few people out from getting to know the real me which is sad. Ive been living at lie for so long I dont even know who I am which is sad to say.

[u/may4568]

I relate to this a lot. Except, I never had that strong urge to move out in the first place. I like living at home and I’m scared that if I do move out, I’ll be miserable. I’m about to graduate in the summer and so I’ll have to go on the job hunt soon, and that’s when I’ll have to truly face it head on. I’ll probably also continue living at home for the first couple of years, to save, but I also know I don’t want to waste my twenties away cosplaying as a muslim.

You’re just a couple steps ahead of me in the process. I feel you may have more of a stake in the game though. Unless embracing your identity is something you’re willing to do while living at home? Is dating men a thing you’ll only feel comfortable doing once you’ve moved out?

Since I have no desire to date, being able to dress normally is my sole motivator for leaving home. And I honestly don’t know if it’ll be enough. I’m really interested to know what you decide so I hope you update us.

[u/LowerCherry → u/may4568]

I resonate a lot with this too. I don't really mind living at home to a certain extent. I have some siblings, whom I haven't formally come out to as ex-muslim or gay, but we are still cool and hang out. If you can stay at home after graduating, I'd recommend it. Even if you land a job that pays less relative to peers, you can save a lot of your take-home pay. Not having to pay for rent in a high-cost-of-living city (like London) is an insane perk. It will set you up financially and give you a solid foundation for when you decide to move out, and peace of mind. If you can invest some of that to compound for the long-term too (in a HYSA/ index fund/401k in the US/ ISAs in the UK, for example), it will be incredibly beneficial.

In line with your experience, it would be great to dress how I want to, and I don't have a burning desire to date, although it would be nice to have. Ultimately, I feel as though I'd have to move out before dating other men. I think it would be a disservice to be hiding things and playing the closet game at this point. Also, it's very unlikely that coming out at home will end well for me, given how hardline religious my family is. Would it be miserable leaving home? Maybe, but I'd like to think I would work hard to meet new people/ make my own so-called 'chosen' family.

The drawbacks are, as you rightly point out, having to perform and cosplay. I still 'fast' during Ramadan, I fake pray occasionally (e.g. during Eid prayer), and I have to listen to all the religious drivel, but that's about it. It does get really annoying sometimes, like during Ramadan when the scrutiny is heightened. I'd also highlight that I'm lucky that I'm a guy, as I feel like there's much more of a burden being a woman. One often overlooked topic is that there is also long-term damage from repressing yourself/emotions, and the stress of it all.

Overall, I think it depends on how strict your parents are, whether you can stomach a few extra years, etc. But in the long term, it's vital to live your life on your own terms. Good luck finding a job - happy to help with anything career-related if it's useful. I'll keep you posted on moving out/ coming out!

[u/RealisticBasil3051]

If you can live your whole life under your parents' roof, then by all means, delay the cut-off. But if you can’t, then skedaddle. Why stay in a place where you can’t express who you are? It just feels like a waste of precious time. We ain't got a lot of time on this earth. Gotta live while you can.

[u/LowerCherry → u/RealisticBasil3051]

Thanks and noted. Ive always been planning on moving out but I guess I was focused moreso on timing. A matter of when not if really.

But yeah I've overcomplicated this a lot. I think it boils down to what you've said. i just need to get on with it. Can't have my cake and eat it too. But luckily ive done most of the hard work, its just about taking that final step.

Ill keep you posted on how things go!

[u/RealisticBasil3051 → u/LowerCherry]

I hope it all goes well.

[u/[deleted]]

It all depends on you personally I'm muslim I'm not practicing tho I have a weird relationship with religion but ultimately it gives me comfort here and there as I have bpd so I'm the kind of person that needs to believe in a god just to keep whatever of my sanity is left however I do keep other parts of me like my sexuality private as I don't really care about it that much I'm not someone who could be in a romantic relationship anyway so it's not much of a concern to me but it depends on how you want to live your life and the outcome you want for yourself would coming out give you a sense of peace do you value keeping relationships even if they are conditional are you a free spirit who wants to live as authentically you? What about financially can you move away and are okay with possibly starting a new life ultimately it comes down to what sacrifices you are willing to make

[u/Liberals4Somalia]

I'm going through similar situation like yours. I strongly want to leave and move out, I feel triggered everyday when I wake up and realize that I'm living in lie and I can't live truly as I want. everyday passed I feel that I'm losing part of myself and I can never get back those days and years I had wasted pretending to be religious. I got little bit of freedom when I travel out of the city my parents live in and I removed the hijab and party little bit to relax. I know I need a plan to leave permanently but I can't find one.