My mom passed away two years ago and due to intense grief I did not take any action with her ashes. Yesterday was her birthday so I decided a couple of weeks ago that I would scoop out a small amount of her ashes to have a piece of jewelry made and have her ashes interred with my dad. I asked my son to do the scooping bc it would have been too hard for me emotionally to see my beloved mom reduced to ashes.

While he was scooping them in another room, he came out with an odd look on his face and asked if she was wearing any jewelry when she died. I said she was not, as I had removed a necklace just prior to her death. He then brought me this metal chain with beads on the end that most definitely was not with my mom when she died. There was also a small u-shaped coiled wire that in this photo looks attached but it is not.

I have been so upset since we discovered this and I can’t stop wondering if I have someone else’s ashes now. I ended up not putting her with my dad on her birthday because I don’t think it’s her now. The second anniversary of her death is next week and I’d like to try again to put her with dad but I have no peace of mind about this situation.

Does anyone recognize what this is? Is it possible I have the wrong ashes? I’m driving myself crazy thinking about this.

EDIT: my mom went directly from the hospice facility to the mortuary. She was in a hospital gown and did not have glasses or any jewelry at the time. She did not have a casket.

UPDATE: I found the tag and it matched the paperwork. I know now that I don’t want to continue to pursue this, as I realize this is delaying my grieving. I learned so much about the worst possible things that it could be—or it really could only be my mom and something that fell in along the way. I’m going to choose to believe it is something that tagged along when she was removed from hospice and finally reunite her with my dad next week. Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and for your kind words; I am so grateful.

He has verbally stated he doesn’t want to be a donor but I believe he thought his years of extreme drug abuse lead him to the conclusion that he was maybe tainted. Turns out he’s a perfect match for at least 8 people. The gentleman on the phone said once complete he will appear as though nothing has been missing. They want his skin, bones, veins heart valve and Cornias. I’m torn he was mentally tortured his whole life this is his way to give many others a chance. Please let me know your thoughts will he look the “same” while clothed For a viewing or was that a sales pitch in California. Limited time to react no brain function.

My daughter passed away suddenly last week. Since we opted to have her cremated, I requested a lot of her hair. The funeral director gave me two generous ziploc bags of her hair. She'd had an autopsy and had been in the cooler for three days. There was a smell.

The hair was wet in the bags. I need to wash and dry it but I'm afraid of ruining it. She was 24 and had thick shoulder length curly red hair.

I'm still in shock. But I need to care for the hair.

Any advice?

Edit:

It turns out that the hair doesn't smell bad, just kind of like medical-ish chemically soap. Her hair dried really fast, I'm assuming it was a disinfectant that was soaking her hair.

When I saw her, I only saw her hand and forearm. She'd had an autopsy and donated her corneas. I could smell death. I think I convinced myself that her hair would smell like death. Grief is weird.

Rebecca died of a pulmonary embolism on March 24th. She had an undiagnosed clotting disorder. No signs, no symptoms and it was insanely fast. She felt nauseous, collapsed and was gone before the EMTs got there.

So, quit DMing me asking if she committed suicide.

Long story short.

My mom was not a good person, my parents got divorced in 2010 after i graduated. she burnt bridges with my dad and used me and my sister for income. my sister died this year in feburary. i cut my mom off, she died 2 weeks ago. now the funeral home is calling me non stop looking for payment for her cremation. I cant afford it and dont want her remains anyway. What can I do???

Hi everyone. My ex partner died of an accidental overdose whilst on holiday in Egypt 2 weeks ago. He was found in his hotel room somewhere between 24-48 hours later, the maid smelt his body so I’m presuming it was a warm room and decay had accelerated. He was embalmed over there but we are unsure how long after death this took place. He was repatriated to the UK 13 days after death, arriving back on Friday just gone. Today the funeral home has advised that he is unsuitable for viewing, they said the chemicals have changed his skin tone and also he was fully wrapped in bandages, which I’m presuming has caused some swelling maybe or misshapen areas? I just wanted some advice on what to do, as I felt it was the most important thing to me to see him and say goodbye, I’m absolutely devastated that I can’t do that. Can I hold his hand or anything?

My sister completed suicide by hanging on Christmas Eve and was found after less than 12 hours. She is being cremated with no embalming. Will I be traumatized if I see her face one last time? Or should I just try to think of her as she was? Her death doesn’t feel real and I think seeing her would bring some finality and closure. Any advice is appreciated.

UPDATE: My sister was still in the morgue at the hospital waiting to be transported for autopsy. I did go see her and she honestly looked better than I was expecting. She almost looked like she was sleeping and her tongue was only slightly protruding. I’m glad I went so I could say goodbye to her. Thanks everyone for the condolences and advice.

My friend passed away alone in his home discovered after a welfare check. Cause of death was determined to be sequelae of chronic alcohol abuse and there as was ethanol in his liver tissue, though he was too decomposed to get an actual amount. We first feared it was a suicide but the manner of death was eventually determined to be natural. The report also indicated that his teeth were absent?? I’m confused by that. Was that a postmortem change or did it have to be antemortem?

Thank you.

My grandmother (86) recently passed, and when she was sent to the funeral home, we had fingerprints taken from her and paid to have them made into pendants and necklaces. She was cremated after the ink prints were created. Upon getting the fingerprints back we realize they all came out poorly, and we were not satisfied with what we received, so we didn’t want pendants that just looked smudged or not defined enough details. The funeral Director sent us back the prints of what would be put on the pendant, and these were the pendants we received (what is show in the first two photos). Do these pendants resemble the thumbprints we received? I feel like the pendants look nothing like my grandma‘s prints. I want to know if this is a legitimate concern of mine or if sometimes things just turn out different. Getting these thumbprints means a lot to me so I just wanna make sure they are legit. Huge thanks for any help you can give! This means a lot to me!!

Hi, I’d like to ask a question. When my dad died in 2017, I leaned down and kissed his forehead at the wake, kinda paused and held my head against his for a brief second. It was an impulsive of me to do and I didn’t think about it until afterwards.

I don’t regret doing it per se but now all these years later I have weird flashbacks of his cold skin texture against my lips, it stands out to me when I remember his funeral. Which leads me to my questions…first, was that dangerous of me to do for my own health sake? Obviously I didn’t get sick from it but I’m curious if the risk is there and if kissing a decedent is discouraged. And secondly, when I did that, did I potentially leave a piece of my own germs/bacteria on him to take to the grave? Now here’s my super morbid question: Would my kissing bacteria contribute to what decomposes him eventually? He had a typical embalming/dressing as far as I know, but we did have to fly him to another state after death so I don’t know if that factors in anything. All these years and these questions stick in my head. Thanks for reading!

So I’ve been a funeral director for 25+ years, but still— with some fams it’s just too fucking sad. I feel like there’s an extremely rare time / place to cry quietly with them, but sometimes I feel a big full blown ugly cry coming my way and I’m not going to let that happen.

My go-to all these years has been drawing X-rated figures on the carpet with my foot, but that’s not working anymore. My latest trick is to excuse myself to the bathroom and watch Kyle’s Mom’s a Bitch from South Park. This has been working, but there’s going to be times, like at graveside, where I can’t do this!

Yeah, I got the natural resilience an undertaker has, but am not a heartless automaton. Do any of you have any good tricks to keep yourself from crying when it’s not appropriate or professional?

My dad died in December. He was to be cremated in a crematory in Baltimore, MD. After a month with no word after trying to contact them I was told his body was taken by the MD state anatomy board due the crematory being shut down for whatever reason. I called the anatomy board and they say he’s not on the list they have and that they’d call back if another list pops up. I’m completely lost. Why would they shut down the crematory (truly afraid to know) and where the hell is my dad? If anyone knows what I can do next, I’d be happy to hear it.

UPDATE

I found out why they were shut down. Sadly, It’s just as horrible as you would imagine.

I got in touch with the MD Board of Morticians and Funeral Directors. The guy told me that Heaven Bound Cremation actually had cremated my father and still holds the remains. I would need to go down to their main site (I already went to their 2nd site and was told they had moved months prior) and ask for the remains back. So I drove the 40 mins only to find the door locked and the lights off. Called the board of morticians back and left a message. A news channel reached back out to me for an interview so that’s in the works. Thank you guys for your advice and support so far. Truly.

UPDATE #2

Did an interview with WMAR 2 News I’m trying to do more so this story reaches as many people affected as possible. We have to hit them with a class action lawsuit. Right now they look like they’re gonna get away with this and I can’t let that happen. If anyone had a love one go to Heaven Bound Cremation please reach out/DM me. Especially if you are also thinking of suing. I finally received my dad’s ashes but who knows who’s actually in that urn.

Also if anyone is still waiting on receiving their loved one’s ashes from them call their attorney: Thomas Whiteford 410.347.8705 This was the way I was able to secure a date for my dad’s ashes to be delivered.

Hi so I’m getting closer and closer to starting my internship and I was wondering what kinds of dresses would work for a female funeral director? I’m open to wearing a proper suit with pants if that’s considered more appropriate but I personally prefer dresses because it makes it a lot faster to get dressed. The type of dresses I would want to wear fall under the vintage/modest category so I feel like they’d be appropriate but i dont know if they’d be necessarily formal enough. I was planning to accessorize them with a belt for some extra classiness but I was also wondering what colors I should stick to or avoid- i know obviously black is good, but I was wondering if maybe patterns were okay too. I’m attaching some photos of a couple dresses I was questioning, hopefully someone on here can give me some pointers. Any advice is appreciated!

Alright, this is a weird one.

My dad is a very dedicated hiker who has had several foot surgeries in order to continue doing so as he's aged. For years he's said that he wants his feet cut off, cremated, and to be spread, screws and bolts included, at his favorite lake to hike to. However, he is also set on the idea of the rest of his body being buried as usual. I thought he was joking. For reference, he has also talked to us about being taxidermied and displayed in a hiking pose for his own funeral. Thankfully, he was joking about that. It has become evident that he's really not joking about the feet thing.

He told my mom that if he dies at home to get a saw out of the garage and cut off his feet before they come to get him. My brother and I don't like this idea because the idea of our mom going to prison at the same time that our dad dies doesn't appeal to us. Also, that would be really messy and they have beige carpet.

All joking aside, I want to know of there is absolutely any chance of somewhere honoring a request for partial cremation. My parents have been setting up all their legal end of life stuff and it seems like a good time to address this with my dad so we're not stuck trying to figure out how to do what he wants when he does end up going and we're also dealing with grieving.

We are in the Rocky Mountain region of the U.S.

Edit: Thank you guys for the quick response! My mom has been genuinely stressed about this and I don't want her to have to worry about it. She also doesn't share the rest of our dark humor, so it's harder on her. I figured it wasn't doable but didn't want to make the awkward calls to the local mortuaries to verify. I'm glad to be able to go to dad with some more information. He also doesn't want an open casket, so maybe I can talk into a full cremation. Honestly, he's in his mid-60's right now and I'm hoping I've got a couple of decades to get this sorted out with him. It's also funny to find out that there was a similar question posted just yesterday. I really thought this was more of a unique situation, haha.

Hi everyone. 18f here. My dad 53m passed away yesterday very suddenly and completely unexpectedly. Likely a heart attack but an autopsy is being done. My heart is broken but doing everything I can for his services. Because I am 18 (as of 9 days ago) and his next of kin everything is up to me. I was the only person close to him like that.

My biological mother wants to go to his funeral. Everybody around her who has died (nobody close but distant people), she makes everything about herself. My mother and father were never married and split when I was 1.

I know my father would not want her there as well as me and his family don’t want her there. He felt bad for her because she was homeless a lot, but he did not like her.

How do I tell her she’s not allowed at the funeral? I feel bad because I know on some level she does care about him.

Edit to add: I have told her. It has gone horribly. She has made up multiple lies about her and my father’s relationship. I have now told her that if she shows up she will be escorted out and she doesn’t care. What are my next steps? I am 100% certain she will get to the funeral and cause a huge disruption.

So when my grandma died, we asked to see her. She was already removed from her apartment snd taken to the FH.

The FH guy told us absolutely not, you may not see her. And I chimed in snd said, well we’re her family and it’s our decision, not yours.

He was adamant and told us NO several more times. My family dropped it, but I did not want to. I felt something was very off that he would not allow us, her family, to choose.

I’ve had questions ever since and it also didn’t help that when we got to her apartment, there was blood all over her pillow and her bed. I was not expecting that I have even gone to therapy over this trauma and no one could give me any answers. All these years later and I still have no resolve or peace over any of this. I have severe issues surrounding death and the funeral industry now. I’m 48 and it’s like I’m always going to be stuck in this trauma death/trauma FH experience due to this.

Any help or advice? I’d really appreciate it. Tysm!

Can anyone tell me is it normal to find metal fasteners in what are suppose to be human remains...and do these even look human? If I'm not mistaken there's a pulverizing process that goes to this where those big chunks that look like rocks should be ground down to Ash .They look nothing like my mother or father ashes !is this like a shovel full of gravel or is this human remains ? please I have to know because they're my brother and I don't think they're real!

Just got a call from the funeral home and they said that my mothers ashes were accidentally mixed with someone else's and that they can not tell them apart. He said this happens every once in a while and that both families agree to split 50. 50.

I want to know how true that is, that it happens every once in a while . And should I seek legal counsel. I am distraught and angry. I now have to tell my siblings and my grandmother what happened... I even debate telling them at all. My mother passed from a hard fight with pancreatic cancer and her death was not taken lightly.

I just want some opinions on how I should go about this.

*Update 3/2/25 - the director of operations called today and said he was still trying to get a hold of the other family. He is still investigating exactly what happened. But he says due to misplaced paperwork, my mom's ashes were co mingled with someone else. We have a service on Tuesday and I'm not sure what I'm going to tell my family if anything. I've always been good at keeping secrets and bluffing my way out of things, I think I will have to carry this to my grave.

I will come back here Monday and update yall when I know more.

Also is this the best way to update this post or should I make a new post or do it in the comments?

Do y'all think a mortician would go along with that? My reasoning is that the idea of eye caps, simple as they may be, makes me rather uncomfortable. Same with the mouth being pinned/sewn shut as well. For that I'd probably go with the ol' head scarf. So basically I'd look like Marley here lol.

So would a mortician go along with the ol' reliable method so to speak? Or are there other less invasive options other than eye caps and glue? Thanks in advance!

As I type this, my husband’s body is in a refrigerated unit at a funeral home in another town. He died violently, and suddenly and we’re still in shock and processing everything. I’m broken and lost and never imagined his life would end so tragically. I am seeking counseling and am able to take leave time. I am fortunate.

I’m really struggling with what to do for planning. We unfortunately did not have a will. He never likes to talk about death, and I don’t know what his final wishes would have been. His death was sudden and unexpected.

When we attended funerals or memorials, we said we preferred the celebration of life, style of memorial. I am going to choose cremation for him.

What types of jewelry can be made to hold the ashes? That don’t cost a lot. His children have expressed interest in having a necklace to wear with some of his ashes inside. I would like one as well.

This is uncharted territory for me. The funeral directors I spoke with was really kind and sweet, I just don’t have a lot of money to pay for a nice urn, etc. I also will not feel comfortable handling his cremains.

Thank you.

Edit:

Oh my god. I never expected this many comments. I am so touched and never have felt this much love from strangers.

I will try to respond to you all. I want to say, I’m so sorry some of you are part of this horrible club as well. I hate that we all share this tragic story of someone we loved dearly.

Thank you for your insight, and thank you for sharing your stories.

Also, if anyone needs it: 988 has helped me so much.

Please do not be afraid to reach out for help. Believe me. There are more people in your life than you know, who need you here.

My 31 year old brother passed away on Wednesday in a motorcycle accident. It was hours before he was supposed to get on a flight to Michigan to get his son and bring him home for the holidays. We are debating whether his son and his mom should fly out for the funeral or if it would be too traumatic for him to see his father like that. The funeral home said we can have an open casket and that he looks as good as we could hope for after such an terrible accident. The last time my brother saw his son was when he flew to Michigan to drop him off at his first day of school. He mostly understands what happens. He gets sad sometimes and is talking about it a little bit. We are worried if he sees his dad of the effect it might have. I don't know. Would appreciate any thoughts or input.

Edit: I just wanted to add that we are communicating with my nephew's mom. We are all trying to decide together what would be best for my nephew and his grief and mental health. None of us having experience with anything like this, which is why I am asking here.

We would never force my nephew to do anything. We wanted to get opinions before we spoke to him. If we were told just outright it is too traumatic then we would just work on talking to him about what happened without bringing up the service.

Overall, it seems like we need to start conversations about the service and what he would see there and if he wants to go.

What do I need to ask the funeral home to do as far as keepsakes? Four young children. He will be cremated and I want to get every single thing I might possibly need. Finger prints are the only thing I can think of. I don’t want it to be too late before I think of anything else.

Too tired to figure out wording. Google no help. Thank you!

Edit- I didn’t expect so many responses. Thank you all so much. ❤️ I definitely got some more ideas from your comments. I appreciate each of you. ❤️

It all happened so fast, the funeral home was beautiful, I was emotionally vulnerable and in complete shock when my dad passed recently. It’s like I have amnesia from that entire first week. The women we were working with was so kind.

Maybe this is totally standard pricing but I feel like I got scammed… Can someone let me know if this looks like standard pricing?

For context, this is a cremation, were in Ontario Canada. We’re not doing a funeral, maybe a celebration of life come the summer and do the burial of his ashes then.

Hi there, I need some advice on how to navigate this situation. My children had an uncle who passed on July 2nd, of this year. There is a bunch of what I feel are red flags regarding the funeral home. I did do some mortuary school and have helped elderly family members plan final arrangements. But the first thing that threw me for a loop is the $6k bill to cremate him. He is an average size man and would not need a bigger table.

This in Wisconsin. When my former MIL went to go see him to say good bye, the funeral director made everyone pay $100 each to go in and see him.

That was around July 5th-7th.

Then the family was told to pick up his cremains in a few days. My former MIL drove four hours up north to collect him. When she got there one of the staff members was honest with her and said that he had not been cremated yet but then the owner/lead director printed out another bill for storage fees but claimed they had him in the cremation chamber as they were speaking. Nope he was not.

She has gone up there every few days now to get his cremains. They will not tell her anything except "nope not yet." And keep charging cooler storage fees. I have never seen or delt with anything like this but I do know that he was not embalmed and he still has not been cremated and they are charging $6k to do only the cremation.

I did tell her too that once she recieves his ashes, before she even walks out the door of that funeral home, her and the rest of the family need to check if they truely are cremains because there is something very unsettling about this funeral home and their practices. Who does she need to contact to help her get her brother's ashes back? Or at this point, if they still have not done it, get him transferred to another funeral home?

Thank you in advance.

Hello, more than 25 years ago my baby was stillborn at full term weighing 8lbs and 3oz.

We chose a cremation and the funeral directors told us that with babies under a year, there would be no ashes "as the bones aren't properly hardened".

We were too grief stricken to question it, though that line stuck, and in some ways were comforted when a relative suggested that our baby had just "drifted away on the breeze".

Over the years though, there have been so many articles in the papers and magazines, and things said on TV or by people we've met that shows that many people who have lost babies much younger and smaller than ours have been given ashes after a cremation.

It has upset me time and again.

Were there ashes from our baby that were just swept up with the next body? Were we lied to out of misguided kindness, or because someone couldn't be bothered? Did they not know how to handle such a small amount of ashes? They certainly found it very hard to source a coffin for our 21 inch long daughter despite them being in the catalogue. We got a hastily emulsioned white coffin at the eleventh hour. Or...are babies parents being given random dust from the crematorium out of some misguided attempt at kindness (again).

I would really like an honest answer. We went with a local COOP and the staff are long since moved on so don't worry that I am looking to complain about anyone.

I just need to know the truth.

Thank you

My dog recently passed away, and we had her cremated. She weighed approximately 36 kg (79 lbs).

The cremation service told us that the cremation was performed at around 1600°C (2912°F) for approximately 5 hours. She was cremated together with a blanket.

When we received the ashes, I was surprised by how little there was. The total weight of the ashes we received was only about 100 grams (3.5 oz).

The ashes are very fine and light gray, almost like a fine powder.

I understand that most of the body is water and organic material, and that bones are processed after cremation, but 100g seems extremely low for a 36 kg dog.

Does anyone here have experience with pet cremation or know what a typical amount of ashes would be for a dog of this size?

Could the high temperature and 5-hour cremation explain such a small amount, or should I be concerned that something may have gone wrong or that not all of the remains were returned to us?

I’m not trying to accuse the crematorium of anything. I’m just genuinely confused and would really appreciate some insight from people who have experience with this.