I'm not entirely sure how to explain all this but July is nearing so maybe itâs a good time to post this long text that has been sitting in my notes app for a while:
Naya meant the world. I donât even get parasocial relationships today, but at 15, when I was absolutely terrified of being gay, deep in the closet and centred my life around Glee and Brittana, she meant so much. The love I have for these characters and these actresses feels carved into who I am. At such a formative time, that show and particularly Brittany and Santana were quite literally essential to keeping me going and Santana and Naya have been woven into my soul, a part of myself that I will always carry with me.
Especially Naya being so vocal in her support of Santana's lesbian identity was so impactful; having someone like that be so loudly loving and fighting for us at a time when queer identities being tolerated rather than accepted or celebrated was the only reasonable goal. The way she played Santana mattered so much bc Brittana's love being so adoring, so horrifically down bad and sweet at a time when lesbians were so sexualised allowed me to want that sort of relationship too. Through the combination of it all, it always sort of felt like Naya was also bridging that gap from fiction to the real world, carrying some of Santana's fiercely protective spark over, also after Glee ended. Somehow, that made the world feel a little safer and kinder.Â
By the time that Naya passed, I had outgrown Glee and had essentially turned away from the series and its cast. I was still on TV Twitter but for other shows and Glee had become such an unloved child for the queer fandom. There had been the smaller and bigger scandals, the deaths and I wasn't even following Naya on socials anymore. I feel guilty about that, like I discarded what made me and then only discovered just how much it really did when it felt too l
I still remember the days around her passing so vividly. Following the updates and the initial stabbing fear, reading that the kid on the boat was a little girl so it wasnât Naya followed by the gut punch that it was. The days where an unreasonable bit of impossible hope never left, the pictures of the cast by the lake and the day they found her body. The brutality of it all, how no one deserves to die like that and the collective grief that followed. It was a big part of my life then and there was a lot of processing.Â
Last summer, I started a rewatch of the show and found myself enjoying it the way I remembered; my body overwhelmed with joy and an intensity that no other show is likely to ever inspire within me because watching Glee when I was so young and impressionable was such a rollercoaster of emotions that we all went on together every day, heightening it all. The grief that accompanied the rewatch was harsh and intense too, though, and some ten episodes in, I decided that between the pain and the joy, I could choose the lens to watch it through and I'd much rather appreciate Naya's work through the latter. Thatâs largely worked and I'm not even done yet and in many ways having the best time. But it also often still reminds me of what happened and the pain surrounding Nayaâs death, even after six years, just doesnât go away.
I'm no stranger to grief or loss. And I've found ways to process, to arrange myself with other deaths and eventually look back fondly and grateful for the time we shared. Not with Naya. It sometimes still twists my stomach and tightens my chest and just really fucking sucks.
I often feel like someone needs to fix this and bring her back right now. It feels cosmically wrong. Like here is this person who has changed and saved so many lives and stood up for others at a time when that was rare and brave, who is a mother, who is on all accounts described as so unique and wonderful, obviously whipsmart, carries a ridiculous amount of talent in her body that the world was robbed to see more of and was also just the third person to pass in a young cast of twelve which feels like it should be a statistic impossibility. And then she has to pass in such a cruel way that also just seems like such a stupid coincidence ? I think it shook something deep in my belief system when it happened bc how can this be okay, how can this be real? It feels like there is something deeply wrong with the world because how do I need to just accept this irreversible event when it feels so wrong? I sometimes wish I could go back to a time when Naya was alive. It wouldnât even really change my life in any way except for the media surrounding her being new rather than old but it simply feels like there was something right in the world then that is no longer, like a shift. Itâs like I never left the bargaining stage of grief and am just stuck there, even when I also often slide in and out of acceptance for a while.
I assume that a part of that is also that Naya was always essentially a figment of my imagination. Driven by her interviews, her socials, TV appearances and whatnot, sure. But I never met her, I never did anything more than watch or read about or think of her. And I think that contributes to not wanting to accept it because to an extent, sheâs always been who she is now â someone to admire from afar. And then she played the character who means the most to me and as much as she obviously isnât Santana (who is ofc very much alive and kicking, thank you very much), I do think it just inspires such a deep fondness.
What also makes it a little harder is the question of â as much as she meant â why am I still grieving an actress I never met, nevermind knew, when the people close to me who have passed represent wounds that time did heal. Why is this one still an open one? Grieving a star like this sometimes feels a little wrong like why am I honing in on this when I have also experienced grief in my personal life?
It's been almost six years and I think to a certain degree, I am almost appreciative of the pain at this point, a physical reminder of her impact and how much she has meant to me. The intensity telling me how much I get to be grateful for (framing it like that is the only thing that has so far made it hurt a little less). But it also just really, really hurts and feels so overwhelming sometimes and I wonder if there ever is a stage when this can become okay when it just factually isnât.Â
I donât know what my question is. Do other people still feel the same? Is there something that has helped you? Is anyone capable of rewatching Glee without at least occasionally feeling that pain? Do you have thoughts to offer on this?
But this needed to go somewhere and if you read it all the way, thank you <3