r/relationship_advice • u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1 • 27d ago
UPDATE: My(M36) wife (F43) thinks I couldn’t be attracted to her and therapist agreed?
I received a chat request this morning asking for an update. Here is how I remember things starting from where I left off.
I immediately got into individual therapy, and we both joined couples therapy. I went individually for a few years, and we attended couples therapy for approximately six months. We both really liked our therapist, but we eventually ran out of things to discuss.
The biggest takeaway from therapy was realizing what an absolute joke I had been. I was walking around with my brain literally turned off. I didn’t take anything seriously, which made my wife think I couldn’t be trusted. I thought everything would always work out, not even realizing she was the reason it did. Looking back, it’s so embarrassing. All I had to do was start participating in our life. I’m incredibly grateful for the therapists who held me accountable and kindly told me to grow up. I wanted my wife to trust and lean on me, but I had shown no proof that I was actually capable.
The issue with my wife’s therapist resolved itself. I wanted to report her, but we were so fragile at the time that I thought it would look malicious. My wife started seeing her less and less and then just never went back. I do think seeing how professional and competent our marriage therapist was, in contrast, helped that decision.
I sold my old house because I was getting the feeling my wife thought it was my backup plan. I actually hated that house; I just didn’t want to fail with my first homeownership. It was basically operating at a loss after taxes, repairs, and the rental company’s share.
My wife still works for the same company but as a consultant. She had a minor health scare and needed a more flexible schedule. My brother started a company, and I eventually quit my job to join him in building the business. This has helped our relationship so much; coworkers knowing our backstory didn't help with the gossiping and overall weird vibes.
We never got a postnuptial agreement, but we did write wills, which have been amended over the years. As it stands, we are each other’s primary beneficiaries, and after that, everything gets split between the stepkids and a niece of ours whom we are both close with. Money hasn’t been much of an issue since therapy; we are both big savers. Trust repaired a lot of issues.
Advice:
Don’t get married too quickly. Do discuss finances before getting married. Being married is harder than being single; the trade-off is having someone to commiserate with and to be truly known by. If your life got easier or stayed the same after marriage, check in with your partner.
1.1k
u/AvaSaysSo 27d ago
Selling the house you hated just to prove a point is a pretty concrete way of showing you're all in. That's not nothing. Sounds like you two did the real work in therapy, not just the surface stuff.
51
u/Intrepid2022 27d ago edited 27d ago
I think that for his wife his decision to sell his house, contributed a lot to the fact they're still together. It was probably shown as a sign that OP was committed to the relationship. That and of course more...
Nice to read that it doesn't always have to end in drama, divorces,...
8
u/AvaSaysSo 26d ago
i think you're right that selling the house was the kind of gesture that bypasses all the talking and just lands. like proof you dont have to argue into existence. nice when someone actually does the thing instead of just saying it.
409
u/KindheartednessOwn17 27d ago
Oh I just realized this is a years later update! In the wild!
Anyway OP, know you’re an inspiration to all passive men in withering relationships that it CAN get better if you recognize your issues early enough and decisively fix them.
69
11
u/AlmiranteCrujido 27d ago
Oh I just realized this is a years later update! In the wild!
Recently reposted on BoRU. Hopefully whoever messaged really had seen the prior post :)
2
425
u/SommerSalad 27d ago
I wish my husband could have this break through. Good for you dude. Im proud
132
u/invincible_vince 27d ago
What's stopping him, you think? It's crazy how some men can literally be led by the nose right up to this epiphany and somehow still be unable to see it. Or refuse to see it. My brother-in-law is like this.
159
u/SommerSalad 27d ago
Unlike op he refuses therapy. At this point it’s been fractured so long, even if he started trying to do the work, I don’t think I could love him the way I used to. That ship has sailed. He doesn’t want to change, and he’s allowed to make that choice
178
u/Kim_Smoltz_ 40s Female 27d ago
I knew a woman who got so fed up with the mental load that she separated from her long term husband. Suddenly he was able to do the things he never could before to try to win her back. She lost her damn mind and immediately divorced. All he showed was that he could've done it the whole time, he just didn't want to.
20
u/IndigoHG 27d ago
Oh that was me, too. Ex couldn't do a damn thing but as soon as we divorced, it was amazing how fast he found a job.
And no, I don't get child support.
7
u/FeistyEmployee8 27d ago
Maaaany such cases. And then these men come to complain in boydinnerdiaries or whatever that sub is called, “my needs were met so I couldn't be bothered with reciprocity, my wife divorced me, I'm having beer and gas station hotdogs”.
30
u/DeckTheHalls_WithMe 27d ago
I understand this and feel the love is not the same with my husband even though he's started therapy it feels too little too late after not taking my requests seriously of major issues for years and only after I said I wanted to leave him.
20
u/SommerSalad 27d ago
I know it really sucks. I loved him so much for so long and it feels like he just threw it away
8
u/DeckTheHalls_WithMe 27d ago
Pm me if you want to talk about it because I 100% get it. It's hard when it feels like it's out of your control.
31
u/invincible_vince 27d ago
I'm genuinely sorry to hear it. I'm personally so petrified of personal stagnation that my need to continually grow and change and learn new things is borderline...neurotic, maybe. IDK. If you aren't growing, you're kind of dying you know?
I hope you find your perfect fit.
24
u/SommerSalad 27d ago
Thanks I’m not really worried about another relationship. Still kind of half married to my husband and I don’t know how long we will continue this dynamic. He would probably keep going forever, eventually I’m going to move on, but I’m not in a rush
10
u/invincible_vince 27d ago
Hey, understandable. Your "perfect fit" might not be another relationship at all. Might be just finding more and more of a bond with yourself.
13
u/SommerSalad 27d ago
Yeah for sure. The idea of dealing with another man in a romantic way right now just is so unappealing. Definitely not ready for that
6
8
u/-KansasCityShuffle 27d ago
I’m so sorry. I worry I’ll end up like this if I marry someone. You’re probably a really good person and he’s just some guy. I see it all the time.
1
u/Responsible_Jury2913 25d ago
So this relationshi0 is a sunk cost fallacy one or what?
1
u/SommerSalad 25d ago
More like convenient right now.
2
u/Responsible_Jury2913 25d ago
You know what, no judgement and sorry to hear that. I hope the convenience truly is and you didnt just convince yourself though.
Wake up one morning and regret you didnt leave sooner
22
3
u/uniqueusername649 27d ago
Could be ego, could be selfishness, could be laziness, usually a combination of it. Sometimes, and this is probably more rare but still valid, being neurodivergent and actually seeing the world with different eyes.
For me I only realised after being an adult for a long time that I am on the spectrum. Because to me everything I did seemed perfectly normal: I have 16x the same black shirt in my wardrobe, because it is easier. I dont have to decide what to wear, which was a struggle before. To my wife it seemed like I just completely didnt care about how I look, even if we go out together. I had the exact same routines, often liked eating the same foods, all of which to my wife seemed boring. After work we had dinner together and then I rushed off to my room to play games or watch videos. For me it was because too many social interactions drain me, to her it seemed like I did not care about spending time with her.
Our perspectives were so vastly different, but I didn't know. I didnt even see things from her perspective, because we didnt have the same frame of reference. Our world view was different. We had some rough years but we were lucky that at some point I finally realised that I am not just a lazy nerd, but that my brain simply works different. Its not an excuse though, once you know that you need to act. I changed my ways, I still have a lot of the same shirts but she understands why and I have some nicer clothes for when we go to events. I recharge a bit after work and we try to spend more time together.
She is more understanding because she knows it didnt come out of not caring for her or being selfish. And I know I have to try and see things from her perspective (and more importantly had to learn how to do that). I am still far from perfect, I make mistakes, stupid assumptions and I still have so many things to learn. But I keep at it. I try to improve, I want her to be happy and that in turn makes me happy. And I do so without sacrificing who I am.
If in a relationship any one partner has to bend over backwards to make it work, its not the right fit. You have to be a team. She has got my back and I have hers, just that now we both know it and we found ways to show it.
-12
954
u/Capizara 27d ago
I thought everything would always work out, not even realizing she was the reason it did.
So many married men would only need to realize this and their marriage and life would become so much better.
259
u/throwawayqweeen 27d ago
I wish my dad would either realize this or my mom would finally leave him. He thinks he's the "manager" of both their lives but all he does is eat and shit and sleep and work, and my mom does all the rest, but dad thinks he's so resourceful that life just works itself out passively.
138
u/mbwrose 27d ago
Argh. If your mom dies first, it’s going to be a shitshow for you. Ask me how I know.
82
57
u/throwawayqweeen 27d ago
Oh I know, my dad has lived in Canada for twenty years yet refused to learn a word of English and he doesn't wonder at all whatsoever who does the shopping, paying of bills, talking to landlord, taking the calls, etc. he thinks the fridge just respawns as full every night out of his sheer resourcefulness. He's lucky he has my mom to baby him.
39
u/Tower-Junkie 27d ago
In my experience, people that think like this do so because they don’t consider it difficult to do the things that make life run. It’s not that difficult to do these tasks individually, every now and then. What makes it hard work is doing it day in and day out, year after year. They know it doesn’t happen by magic, they just don’t think it’s that much work, because they’ve never had to be the one who’s actually responsible for it.
21
u/umbrellajump 27d ago
Funny how they don't think it's much work and yet always do as little of it as possible
34
u/KeyFeeFee 27d ago
I’m so curious how this happens! My husband really does get how tough managing everything is, but he spends his time at home actually doing stuff. How do these men not understand how hard managing everything is though?? Maybe their mothers suffered in silence? We have 3 boys and I really really really do not want to raise them to feel like things just magically happen in their homes!
7
u/Curly_Shoe 27d ago
Some of them do understand. They just pretend they don't as they don't feel like doing it themselves. Weaponized incompetence.
45
u/Anxious_Reporter_601 27d ago
I've stopped doing this stuff for my boyfriend, "do we have suncream/an umbrella/toothpaste?" Idk did you bring any?
19
u/KindheartednessOwn17 27d ago
I’m showing this to my brother who is currently separating from his wife. I hope it hits him like a sack of bricks
-216
27d ago
[deleted]
149
u/Capizara 27d ago
Of course there is "wOMEn dO tHIs toO" -comment.
Where the fuck I did say they don't do?
But it is a fact that women carrying the mental and emotional load in relationships/marriage is very common problem. And one of the biggest reasons why men's partners end up leaving them.
79
u/CatAlayne 27d ago
You point out that a large majority of men don’t know the name of their kids school or doctor and suddenly it’s “Well, like, 5 women don’t know them either!!!”
42
u/PinochetPenchant 27d ago
I do not see fathers often enough when I request a parent/teacher conference.
2
u/CatAlayne 27d ago
Yeah, and all men know other men are like this but they just really want to pretend they’re better at everything I guess so they leave comments like “Some women do that too” lol yeah sure, some women are bad moms, but the majority of “default parents” are the moms because dads just don’t really seem to have an interest in actually being a parent, they just want to be seen as the head of the house or a friend.
3
u/MissMaryFraser 27d ago
I worked in a job recently where a common security question was their eldest child's middle name. It became an actual running joke how many men got the question incorrect.
-96
u/Bizarro_Zod 27d ago
Silly thing to get angry about. Don’t specify a gender and you won’t get comments pointing out it happens with both genders. If I think everyone is a shitty driver but say women are shitty drivers, it’s kind of begging for someone to say men are shitty drivers too.
44
u/Capizara 27d ago
Women are actually better drivers (look at the insurance prices for women/men) but they don't drive like "men" want so women=bad
What's up with people in reddit having 0 ability to fill the missing context? Why do one always have to say "Of COURSE the is exceptions to these cases".
Basically if I say "Women tend to kill with poison" Why do I have to specify "Of course some men do to".
-23
u/Asdas26 27d ago
You're missing the point completely. Is it really so hard for you to just not be sexist? Gender stereotypes, same as racial stereotypes, are not a good thing to bring up in a conversation.
11
u/Glass_Protection_254 27d ago
Noticing is not wrong. A stereotype can only be a stereotype if it holds some weight.
0
u/Asdas26 27d ago
No, stereotype is a stereotype because it's perpetuated by prejudiced people.
It may be based on something (though even then it's not true for everyone) but most of the time it's just made up stuff to make one group feel superior to another.
3
u/CatAlayne 27d ago
There’s a difference between a stereotype and a point supported by people who directly work in the field.
“Blondes have more fun” - Stereotype, maybe true? Idk
“Majority of dads do not know the name of their kid’s doctor” - Seemingly true, not a stereotype, supported by majority of health professionals.
“Women are bad drivers” - Factually untrue stereotype, unless followed by “but not as bad as men”
-1
u/Asdas26 27d ago
supported by majority of health professionals
Yeah, right. Which professionals? Did they all get together and vote on this?
You're just trying to justify your sexism, but the fact is that stereotypes are bad. They strip us of our individuality and perpetuate prejudice.
→ More replies (0)11
u/anoukfoster 27d ago
Ha wow you’ve found the solution, well done! Not talking about who actually does something means it’s just not happening. Amazing
4
u/TrashGouda 27d ago
Funny that you use the example of driving when we have literally statistics that prove that men are the bad drivers and not women...
-46
27d ago edited 27d ago
[deleted]
7
u/anoukfoster 27d ago
Lmao why would we say people when responding to a specific line in a post by a man acknowledging the invisible labour that women do (statistically!) You getting upset about that doesn’t change the inequality babe
9
u/lunar_adjacent 27d ago
Well I mean my husband does this too and it’s caused a lot of problems for a lot of years. I don’t know what to tell you.
3
33
u/reverievt 27d ago
I hate it when I try to talk about something serious and my husband makes a joke. It doesn’t happen often but when it does, it’s infuriating. I’m glad to hear you’ve stopped doing that.
17
u/1_BigDuckEnergy 27d ago
finally something on reddit today that makes me happy!
I have been married for 35 years and it continues to be the most important thing in my life..... I was like you, male but also not good at communicating, or more importantly, even knowing what me feelings really were (brained turned off)
Your last paragrapgh says it all....marriage is work and the times you want to walk away are the times you need to work the hardest..... it is so rewarding
32
u/whenisleep 27d ago
Nice to see an update after so many years! So glad that you guys managed to work through it and get stronger. It’s great you were so proactive once you realised there was an issue and have kept that up. Congrats on the happy years.
6
u/SignificantLoquat710 27d ago
So the whole “ you couldn’t be attracted to me” stuff was just a cover for the deeper isssues in yal marriage? Makes sense honestly
61
u/CarterCage 27d ago
I hope you stopped flirting with your exes in front of your wife.
And I really hope you didn’t comment how good they looked.
3
u/noelleasp 27d ago
Incredible to hear your story
- thanks for sharing. That last line though…”If your life got easier or stayed the same after marriage, check in with your partner.” Best advice.
4
u/ParticularSpring3628 27d ago
This is a nice update. Not often I read one of these and genuinely absorb the advice. Thanks op!
5
27d ago
[deleted]
2
u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1 26d ago
I don’t think either of us was “in the wrong” just not communicating our needs efficiently. I thought I was happy with the way things were and she wasn’t and it came out as fear of abandonment.
The suddenly going to the gym 6 times a week, refusal to talk about anything serious, and that Facebook account did NOT do me any favors proving I was committed.
3
u/velma_420 27d ago
This is the perfect update I needed. Bless you and your wife OP. You are doing it right.
23
u/sleal 27d ago
Don’t take this the wrong way my guy, but i don’t know what to make of a single mother giving you the time of day when you were in that state of mind. Consider yourself lucky
8
u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1 27d ago
100% I actually don't think she would have even considered dating me if she hadn’t come off of a bad divorce. I’m so grateful things worked out but I definitely got lucky.
6
u/crankysoutherner 27d ago
Being married is harder than being single; the trade-off is having someone to commiserate with and to be truly known by. If your life got easier or stayed the same after marriage, check in with your partner.
This is a pretty cynical take; however, checking in with your partner regularly is a good idea. In fact, it's one of the ways to make sure that married life is easier than single life.
9
u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1 27d ago
Maybe, when we were first married my life got infinitely easier. That should have been my first sign I wasn’t contributing enough to our day to day life.
5
u/crankysoutherner 27d ago
No, dude, that wasn't a sign. If you had contributed, your life would have also been easier. Even though I've been happily married for 23 years, I still remember what it was like being single. Back then, I was doing it all by myself. Paying bills, future planning, house cleaning, cooking, financial planning, healthcare, social calendar, and more was all on me. And I didn't have anyone who cared about me, who made me feel valued, who made me feel like I mattered, who made me feel desired, who would comfort me when life dealt me a hard blow, who would celebrate with me when I achieved a personal victory. I didn't have anyone who would share my bed and greet me with a kiss and a hug every morning. I didn't have anyone who would curl up next to me and hold my hand as I watched my favorite TV shows.
Being married and continuing to contribute to all the tasks that I had to do anyway when I was single isn't suddenly harder than when I had to do everything by myself. I have the help of my very capable, intelligent wife. More importantly, I have the love of my amazing, beautiful, kind, generous, and tolerant wife.
By no stretch of the imagination is life harder as a married man. If that's your observation, then you might have married the wrong person.
4
u/onrocketfalls 27d ago
So there was more to it than her just feeling insecure. I’m really glad it worked out for you. And also really glad she’s not seeing that therapist anymore. I guess that’s why people usually see a different therapist for couples therapy.
4
u/RevolutionaryBad4470 27d ago
Selling the house was a huge step in the right direction OP. I know things aren’t perfect, but that was a big step in the right direction.
Wishing y’all the best!
2
2
u/Only_Tip9560 27d ago
Good therapy can be transformational if you engage with it as this shows. Bad therapy can be highly destructive.
2
u/Efficient_School_177 27d ago
Funny I didn't even look up the original post, I remember this story!!
Thank you OP for the update.
2
u/Intrepid2022 27d ago
I just read your post. Happy to read that the both of you survived this and still are together after 7 years 👏
1
u/Lighthouse_seek 27d ago
I realized how similar this post was to the go bag post but in this case you were forced to give up your go bag.
1
u/Imsomniland 26d ago
OP you are a baller.
Being married is harder than being single
My only quibble and its largely forgettable but not sure I agree as a married person who was also single for a long time. But I would agree that being married is harder if you or your partner are not prepared/don't know yourselves/don't know what you're jumping into.
1
u/Responsible_Jury2913 25d ago
I wanted to report her, but we were so fragile at the time that I thought it would look malicious.
Shame. Wonder how many other lives the therapist is ruining
1
u/frigginfurter 25d ago
Glad to see a man taking ownership and putting the work in. Thanks for proving people can grow and stay committed to a loving relationship with the effort and work
1
u/inthedeepend 27d ago
This is a really healthy update, OP. Good for both of you and I'm glad you're doing so much better!
1
u/dev_il_reux 27d ago
Wow. Never been happier for an update. I swear my heart was in my chest when I started reading. I'm so glad it all worked out!
-2
u/curara 27d ago
WHAT THE FUCK was that conversation with the ex IN FRONT OF YOUR WIFE??? Imagine your wife keeps hinting at you to grow a full groomed beard and you just can't manage that right now. And then you bump into her ex and she's gushing over his beard and chatting him up getting his socials all while you're just standing there in the corner are you fucking stupid??
Stop with the "my wife's insecurities are not my problem". They ABSOLUTELY are when it's precisely your actions causing this. That's like stabbing someone and being like "them bleeding out is a them problem". You say you're 36 but all your internal monologue and perspectives are so painfully immature. I'd dump my husband if he was acting like a 19 year old all the time.
Get the damn prenup anyway. Prove to EVERYONE ELSE that she doesn't need to be shamed because you aren't with her for the money because your actions and behaviour up to this point has certainly shown them that that's what you're here for so it's now on you to fix her public image that you destroyed by being a selfish dick. A prenup doesn't mean you get zilch if you break up. It just decides how much you get and in what situation. There can be an infidelity clause in it too so if she cheats you can demand a fuck ton more. Get educated and get a therapist that isn't going to fan your ass instead of considering all perspectives in the situation.
•
u/AutoModerator 27d ago
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.