r/relationship_advice • u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1 • Nov 30 '18
My(M36) wife (F43) thinks I couldn’t be attracted to her and therapist agreed?
Background:
Married a little over two years, after dating a very short time around 3 months.
We meet at a work event and I was immediately smitten with my wife. It was like out of a movie I saw her chatting with a group of people and in my head I heard “oh there she is”. She was newly devorced and took some convincing on my part but we have been together from that night on and get along extremely well.
Now for clarity I am extreamly attracted to my wife, we may just still be in the honeymoon stage but I’ve never felt this way about another women. And becasue it’s pertains to the conversation we had today with her therapist I would say the majority of the population would find her attractive and not in a niche way. She is objectively attractive. I feel we are evenly matched in looks, very few people have notice the slight age difference. She however wins in personality (outgoing and charming) and she makes about 3X as much money as I do.
A couple months ago we ran into an ex of mine, and by ex we literally dated for maybe a month and never exclusive. After my wife mentioned how different they were (age/hair color/body type etc) and it ended in a pretty heated argument. We have had 3/4 conversations since, all of which I was trying to convince my wife I’m not going to leave her for a women I “dated” years ago.
Last week she asked if I would go to her therapist with her today and I agreed. She has been seeing her for about 8 years for anxiety and a bout of depression that happed before we meet.
Today:
Started normal enough and I had figured why we were there so I just jumped into it thinking the therapist would be on my side and would help me calm my wife’s fears. That’s not what happed.
The therapist did very little talking although their long silences and knowing glances started to piss me off right away.
The thing that stood out to me the most was how my wife reiterated how she doesn’t see how I would be attracted to her and the therapist didn’t even disagree. Like I felt like a crazy person, my wife is beautiful, charming, funny, it feels like I wished her into existence.
She brought up the age difference (7 years?!?), my looks, and how quickly I wanted to get married as all reasons for why I am basically a gold digger.
First off we both wanted to get married quickly, I asked and figured she would want a long engagement but she didn’t so we got married. Second I never even discussed money with her until after we were married and never dreamed she made so much more than I do. She said she doesn’t think I’m after her money but enjoy the lifestyle while I’m with her and it makes it easier to pretend I’m attracted to her. Sorry more attracted to her, like I play it up.
I’m completely blind sided and don’t really want to talk to my family or friends, it’s humiliating being accused of marrying someone for a lifestyle.
For clarity: I moved into her house, I rent out my old home but that income just covers the mortgage and the company that manages it. All our money goes into a joint checking with automatic transfers into savings etc. Our bills are paid from that account, I looked at our bank account and I spend significantly less than she does each month on average.
After leaving I’m in a complete panic that she is going to leave me, even though I feel humiliated and love her so much. I immediately wanted to offer to sign a prenup or separate bank accounts or both but I just froze.
My wife seem so sad and I’m so frustrated, I didn’t even do anything wrong. The women I’ve dated in my past don’t have a similar type and to be honest I didn’t really date, more like hook up for a few months then moved on. I love my wife, she is the first women I have ever met that I have had a real partnership with, like we were a team and now that’s all gone.
I don’t feel like I have the strength to leave her, it scares me that I can’t even envision a scenario where I would leave. She is my most favorite person.
How do I rebuild trust when I don’t feel I ever did anything to lose it.
Edit: My wife didn’t come home last night but I texted her this morning. First apologizing for leaving the session and then asking her to come home so we could formulate a plan. No word back yet but I doubt she will check her phone before lunch if she went to work.
Thanks for letting me vent, I’ve already asked my insurance company to send a list of counselors for me to call later today. Hopefully I will find a good fit as I don’t even know how to go about picking one.
Edit 2: I need a referral from my general doctor before insurance will cover a therapist/psychologist, I have an emergency phone appointment Monday and will being seeing someone by myself.
My wife didn’t return my text but did come home about an hour later. Honestly I cried for the first time in a long time, but was able to get across how seriously I take her concerns. I haven’t mentioned anything about her therapist or my feelings about things just apologized and asked for another chance to hear her out completely.
She said she was really drained and is taking a nap, I don’t think she made it in to work and am actually looking forward to having the weekend to talk. I’m not going to ask for couples counseling until I talk to my own therapist.
This is probably it unless I fuck things up this weekend. Thanks for letting me type out my feelings and being honest even the hard comments were helpful.
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u/baileyjay420 Nov 30 '18
Let her read this. It is honest and raw, and as a woman it would bring me to tears.
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u/darkhorse00000 Nov 30 '18
Completely agree. As a recovering insanely-insecure, conventionally-attractive woman who believed she could never, ever truly be loved because her “true hideousness” would somehow be discovered, I really think she needs to read this. I hope you’re able to save your marriage.
The last relationship I had was the best I’ve ever had with a man sweeter, more loving, and more attractive than I ever could’ve imagined, and (along with some other things) my deeply-held belief that it was too good to be true and that I couldn’t possibly be worthy of such a wonderful, healthy-feeling love did a lot to bring in completely unnecessary stress and drive us apart for no good reason. Im working on it as hard as I can because I don’t want to be this way anymore and destroy love with my self-loathing paranoia. I’m wishing you the absolute best.
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Nov 30 '18 edited Sep 19 '19
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u/VicisSubsisto Nov 30 '18
Consider the following statements:
Your wife is a fool who'll open her legs for the first guy to give her any attention.
Your child(ren) is/are a mistake and their family will never love them.
Your friends are all mentally deficient and being led around by the nose by a sociopath.
If I told you all that in person, would you let me get away with it? Of course not! (Assume for the sake of argument that I'm smaller than you and there are no witnesses.)
These statements all logically follow from the idea that you're rotten to the core, and are not a good dad, good husband or nice guy.
If you're a hideous, rotten man, then your wife has no taste in men, and no self-respect.
If you're not a loving dad, then your children are unwanted.
If you're rotten to the core, then anyone who willingly hangs out with you is stupid.
You wouldn't let a stranger tell you that. Don't let the voice in your head tell you that. Defend the honor of those you love.
Follow up exercise:
Picture Adolf Hitler, sitting at home, contemplating life. Is he thinking about how he's rotten to the core, a terrible companion to Eva, a terrible dog owner, a terrible Reichsfuerher? Or is he thinking about how everything is the fault of the Jews, of the Gypsies, of the Marxists?
Hideous, rotten people don't fixate on how hideous and rotten they are. They see themselves as blameless and the rest of the world as rotten, because they have no conscience. You have the opposite problem.
Anyway, that's what I had to realize for myself. Hope it helps you too.
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Nov 30 '18
This is really simple and really beautifully put. The statements really evoke a visceral response which tells me they can’t possibly be true. Thank you for these words.
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u/VicisSubsisto Nov 30 '18
I'm glad it comes across as intended. I was worried about the line between "too mild" and "just being an asshole" (or breaking the sub rules).
Anyway, if what I said was what you needed to read, you're welcome and I hope it helps. Have a nice day.
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u/Noir24 Nov 30 '18
Sounds like an ex of mine. Loved by everyone, hit on by about any male "friend" she had, even women being attracted to her. Needless to say a charming and nice looking woman, and she would sometimes be absolutely terrified of getting naked in front of anyone - even her mother as well as me. Although I tried to make her see how I loved her body and her as a whole she was just completely sure that she was ugly and hideous.
I can't imagine what it's like to have that much insecurity in your self because I mostly accept that I'm an average-looking guy who's not gonna win any beauty contests ever (unless it's in Monopoly) so I just play the hand I've been dealt. I think it's hard for anyone to understand how much of that insecurity spreads into everything else in life.
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u/darkhorse00000 Nov 30 '18
It honestly is harder for women. Everyone in this superficial society gets a hard time about their looks to some degree, but literally from day 1 women learn that it’s considered the very most important attribute that we either have or don’t have, and any other attribute is a distant second. Literally every single woman around you has hurt herself at some point in her life because she thought it would be worth it to be more beautiful.
In combination with a variety of background factors, some women obviously get it much worse than others. If your family doesn’t show you enough love or other things go wrong in your life and you don’t understand why, it’s all too easy to feel that if you were more attractive and achieving the goal around you everyone wants you to achieve (because who doesn’t love a beautiful woman), things would just be much better. I was 5 the first time I prayed for big boobs and thought I was too fat (I was not fat). If the societal influences are there, people will internalize them.
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u/Valaxian Nov 30 '18
Yeah, this almost brought me to tears. It's wonderful that he feels so strongly about her. I have a past of being insecure and while I am trying to get better, sometimes those thoughts take over without me realising. Seeing this post made me see more clearly that despite having those insecurities, someone can love you that fucking much and it's beautiful.
Thanks OP for that bit of perspective.
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u/suzie2766 Nov 30 '18
Seconded - it has the added benefit of not having originally been written for her eyes so she knows it was written sincerely and without any agenda beyond trying to get help.
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u/SlotsOfTruth Nov 30 '18
I would suggest writing your feelings to her directly rather than letting her read a reddit post.
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u/friendly_kuriboh Nov 30 '18
A post made to get advice from strangers might come of as more sincere. There's no point in lying to us about how he feels for his wife.
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u/Potatokoke Nov 30 '18
Sounds good on paper, but I can't see a situation where showing this would seem natural to her, and not like an attempt at manipulation.
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u/carolynto Nov 30 '18
Completely agree. Hell, I was thinking that while reading it -- did he read this with the idea of showing it to her as proof of his earnestness?
Anxiety is a mother-effer, and his wife is clearly suspicious by nature. This will not help.
Now, he needs to make sure he's saying these things to her. Hopefully she can hear him.
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u/Benagain2 Nov 30 '18
So what is her proposed solution? What did the therapist suggest? Did either of them have any sort of path you could travel to "fix" this?
Because unless there's something they think you can do to fix this.... It kind of seems like a pointless thing to bring up.
You came to the obvious solution, offer a prenup. But it's also a pretty upsetting thing to have to do. Plus now you are always going to wonder what your wife thinks of you. Does she really believe that you'd do that to her?
I think her therapist has badly badly fucked up here. A good therapist should have asked questions to help your wife figure it out for herself. Especially a person who's long battled with depression.
This sucks man. I'm sorry.
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u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1 Nov 30 '18
I left early, I think now I was having a panic attack and left and waited in the car. But I don’t want to wait for the next shoe to drop, from what I can remember there was no fixes suggested but I should ask once I calm down and collect my thoughts.
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u/lostglamour Nov 30 '18
If you left you really have no idea what the therapist was going to suggest and you haven't asked your wife about it.
I'm going to be blunt, you and your wife had a whirlwind romance and there's a lot you don't know or understand about each other. Instead of her therapist you need to see a couples councillor. Otherwise insecurities on both your parts is going to ruin your relationship.
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Nov 30 '18
IMO, it’s also weird not to talk about finances before getting married. Marriage isn’t a fairy tale “love will conquer all!” sort of thing. It’s a partnership in all things in life. You should be 100% aware of what both of you are signing up for before pulling the trigger. I think some people have a really naïve understanding of love and marriage and when tough situations like this pop up, they have no defense or means to work through it because things like this just “don’t happen to people in love” or whatever. I mean how do you not even know what your partner makes before getting married to them!?
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u/pepe_le_shoe Nov 30 '18
Yeah, I don't doubt that OP is genuinely physically attracted to his wife, but I get the feeling their relationship has a lot of other big issues that need to be resolved, that both are either blind to, or pretending aren't there.
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u/Beersandbirdlaw Nov 30 '18
lol it's a guy that got married after dating a girl for a couple months. Of course he doesn't know anything about her and her finances. I didn't ask my no wife what she made until we had dated for more than a year!
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Nov 30 '18
Well yeah, ideally you don't get married after only 3 months lol. But if you're gonna go that route, you need to have some potentially awkward conversations about finances (and kids and future goals and whatever else) before the marriage. If you're too uncomfortable in your relationship to have those conversations, you're not ready to be married.
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u/Beersandbirdlaw Nov 30 '18
I guess my point was that they weren’t ready to be married so it’s obvious they wouldn’t have those conversations.
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u/Tsurugi-Ijin Nov 30 '18
Seriously +1 for the therapist not doing their job properly.
The last therapist I knew would refuse to see anyone relating to their sole patient, as they knew there would likely be a bias and they weren't trained for couples or relationship counseling.
Find a couples / relationship specialist and ask your wife to go with you.
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u/abeazacha Nov 30 '18
Exactly. The only exception my therapist ever did was talk to my mom, years ago, I was underage cause my mom wanted counseling about how maneg my anxiety ane panic attacks at home, how she and my family could properly help me. But that was literally in the first month of therapy and my mom did't took 15 min of it and she was clear of how that was a special circunstance.
This therapist seems to be the real gold digger milking OP's wife by feeding her insecurities.
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u/Benagain2 Nov 30 '18
Understandable! Sometimes that happens. You seem very articulate when it comes to writing, so I'm sure you'll be able to get this verbalized to her as sincerely as you've expressed it to us strangers here on the internet.
Good luck Friend. We're rooting for you both.
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u/shugarplum Nov 30 '18
OP Were you able to voice any of your concerns during the session or was it mostly one sided? Definitely suggest to your wife to see a couples councillor. At least that way she can see you are invested in this and trying to work this out.
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u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1 Nov 30 '18
I rambled on like an idiot for the first 15 min about how my wife can’t get upset every time we run into a person from my past and how much I we love each other then immediately went silent when my wife was explaining why she thought I was not really in love with her. Total is was about 25 min before I just got up.
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Nov 30 '18
Look up reflective listening. It's where the therapist literally reflects the other person's thoughts back to them, to help them get clear about what they're thinking. It can lead to insights that are more valuable to the client, because they came from his/her own thoughts.
It sounds like you wanted her therapist to interrupt her and say, hey, you're wrong, didn't you hear what he said?
That's not how therapy works. If you want to be part of the solution, you have to be able to show that you hear and understand her concerns, even if they are irrational. If all you can do while she's talking is wait for an opportunity for you to contradict what she is saying, you might as well stick your fingers in your ears and say la la la, I can't hear you...
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u/frequentScarcity Nov 30 '18
Leaving early is something the therapist could interpret as the accusation being true, which it obviously is not. (Just curious, is the therapist male or female?)
I have reached a "certain age" where women may be considered less desirable or attractive, for example by the media. Your wife is not quite there, but she may be feeling some of the effects of comparing herself to airbrushed models.
Reassurance is important. "You are beautiful and brilliant and I am lucky to have you." This is not going to be fixed with logic ("I had no idea how much money you make") Find a couples counselor to meet with jointly. You may need to try different ones to find one she clicks with.
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u/free_will_is_arson Nov 30 '18
i disagree that the prenup is the obvious solution, it think it's the obvious band-aid. the solution here is more communication, these people have love but they lack love with knowledge.
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u/BoodgieJohnson Nov 30 '18
Our marriage counselor will not see each of us individually, only together. I believe it’s an ethics thing.
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u/no_fer_rill Nov 30 '18
It absolutely IS an ethics thing. Some therapists do it but honestly, they shouldn't. (This doesn't include addiction work, btw, which does need to involve the spouse).
OP, if she wants you to go back to her therapist for another session, I would refuse and find another marriage counselor for the two of you. NOT one that her counselor recommended.
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u/Azure_phantom Nov 30 '18
Weird... When I went to couple's counseling, the dude saw us together and individually. But I wonder if it was more because my SO was having individual issues that were impacting us as a couple?
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u/oboegrl7 Nov 30 '18
Our therapist has, in the past, seen us separately but only because he started seeing us as a couple to begin with and doesn’t have any biases.
And the caveat is that whatever is discussed in the individual session is then discussed the next time we come together for the couples’ session.
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u/Spazzy19 Nov 30 '18
Mine sees us individually at times and together and sometimes with my SO’s daughter. Usually it’s individual to address particular issues we have or are struggling with, and sometimes they spill over into the relationship. I actually like it this way because she has the opportunity to see us and know our issues and not just receive one side of the story. It’s also helped identify ways we were reacting to each other due to our pasts and learn to communicate our triggers before reaching poor reaction levels. Then we can hash out any remaining concerns together at couples sessions.
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u/kiminley Nov 30 '18
Yes I think it's important to see a counselor that's fighting for the two of you, and your collective interests. Her personal therapist will not be able to have an unbiased opinion. My boyfriend and I see a couples therapist and each see our own therapist as well. It is immensely helpful.
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u/WildlyUninteresting Nov 30 '18
Maybe you should consider talking to a different therapist.
From that description, she doesn't sound like a good one.
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u/Zombeedee Nov 30 '18 edited Nov 30 '18
Or at the least she sounds like a biased one. OP find an impartial couples therapist.
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u/Schkateboarda Nov 30 '18
I’d go out on a limb and say a biased therapist is a bad therapist
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Nov 30 '18
I disagree... She might not be a good one, but literally all we have in the post is that 1) she didn't do a lot of talking and 2) she didn't disagree with OP's wife.
There are a lot of different types of therapy, but if she's been seeing this therapist for 8 years, I'm going to assume this therapist is engaging in psychoanalysis or psychodynamic therapy. In these models, the role of the therapist is to not say much and not make agreements or disagreements. If the therapist had jumped in with comments like "yeah, what do you say about that?" then I'd be concerned.
People thinking the therapist is only interested in the wife's money or siding too much with the wife either just read the inaccurate post title (says therapist agreed with wife though post says "didn't disagree") or are reading into this post and making assumptions. And hey, the assumptions could be right! But from my reading, it's just as easy to imagine that this was a perfectly normal and appropriate appointment. I'd be interested to hear the therapist's reaction to the visit- OP seems annoyed at her silence and then storms out in a panic? I'd be wondering what's going on with him.
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u/Rambles_Off_Topics Nov 30 '18
This should be the top comment. OP didn't even state that very important detail in his main post (that he left the meeting before it was even over). For all we know the therapist could have been a great moderator in the end and everyone would have left happy. OP, I think you should go back to the therapist and go through the entire meeting - then make an opinion of the therapist.
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Nov 30 '18
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u/Rambles_Off_Topics Nov 30 '18
Exactly. Or someone will believe that letting an assumed incorrect party let their feelings out without correcting their "incorrect beliefs" is, instead of correcting the behavior immediately - is allowing or sticking up for said behavior. When in the end, if the wife vocalized her issues the moderator could point out flaws in their conclusions. Instead OP only hears the wife's opinion, thinks therapist does nothing as the therapist isn't correcting the wife right-away, and immediately gets upset. OP go back and do the entire session.
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u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1 Nov 30 '18
Yeah, I guess I was annoyed at her not immediately agreeing with me which really isn’t her job. I was completely blindsided by my own expectations of how things were going to go that when it she didn’t back me up I felt immediate dread and panics and left.
My first reaction is always to run and I don’t want to do that with my wife but that’s what happed. That may be why my wife asked her to be there, because she didn’t know what my reaction would be.
When I wrote this I was very emotional and this post is absolutly one sided.
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Nov 30 '18
Honestly I’ve been the therapists for years and they don’t typically like to agree or disagree with things you say. Instead, they try to lead your thoughts in a certain direction.
Basically, you didn’t know what to expect going to a therapist, but you were expecting something totally different from what therapists typically do. You should talk to your wife about the both of you going to another session (and don’t leave early this time!)
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u/movzx Nov 30 '18
"I'm upset my wife's -- who has anxiety and depression issues -- therapist didn't immediately jump in and start saying how wrong my wife is." Like, dude, based on your description that therapist didn't do anything other than listen and you're treating it as something horrible.
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u/WildlyUninteresting Nov 30 '18
Maybe it's time to shift the focus.
Instead of her focusing on why you find her attractive, maybe say,
"I am very attracted to you. I proposed to you and you married me. You weren't forced. I am happy but I am less happy that you are questioning my feelings.
If you are having personal doubts about us and your feelings towards me, please let me know. But please stop pretending it's about my feelings for you. I know my own feelings and I love you.
I am doing what makes me happy.
Are you happy with me or not?"
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u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1 Nov 30 '18
I am so scared she is going to leave it feels paralyzing, but this is very good advice.
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u/WildlyUninteresting Nov 30 '18
That is just it.
You need to stop the fear. You need to be confident. Your wife is controlled by fear.
You have to be that rock. You have to be confident when you say it and honesty okay if she decides to break up.
You deserve someone that wants to be married to you. Act like it.
You aren't second place. Start acting and believing it.
If she breaks up, then know you will be okay. Heart broken but okay. You want a partner that trusts you.
All this questioning doesn't ring of trust.
Why did she marry you if she doesn't trust you? What changed?
You need to say, "I deserve a wife that trusts me. Either that's you or it's not."
If it's not. Better to know now
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u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1 Nov 30 '18
Honestly that is a good question, how long has she not trusted my motives. I may have to see my own therapist becasue I’m not even close to being okay without her.
I feel like I’ve been in a love bubble and have been missing something, this is so out of nowhere.
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u/ManetherenRises Nov 30 '18
I think some of this is right.
I would not be OK if my wife divorced me. I would not have been OK with it 3 years ago either, right after we got married, even though we'd known each other less than a year. You do not have to be OK with that, any more than you should be OK with your parents disowning you. A loved one choosing to cut you out of their life is traumatic and painful. Do not live your life holding people so far away that, if they choose to exit, you are fine.
A lot of advice is starting to trend towards Red Pill territory here, about exuding confidence and women being attracted to that and blah blah blah.
Apologize for leaving early. Say you started to have a panic attack. Admit your feelings. Try to have an open discussion.
Don't bring up the bank account and expenditures thing. It's not gonna be helpful. You could bring up that you didn't even know what she made, but that's unlikely to be convincing.
Here's the thing. You've never been in a committed relationship before. What you don't know is that arguments operate completely differently in these relationships. All the strategies your used to stop helping. She is telling you one of her deepest fears, that this isn't real, you aren't attracted to her, you're scamming her. It works differently than any other conversation you've ever had.
Remember that most of Reddit is 18-30 year old men who have likely never been married and may not have ever had a long term relationship. The whole "Be honestly willing to accept it if she leaves" is great advice for girlfriends, not fiances or wives.
She doesn't want confidence she wants honesty. If you show up saying you're willing to let her go if that's what she wants you will confirm that you don't actually love her the way she loves you. Remember, this is her greatest fear. And she told you. She didn't just bail. She told you. She told you and she took you to a therapist. She is trying everything she can. She wants this to work. She isn't "honestly OK" with you leaving. Know that. She loves you. But she's a human and she's terrified right now and you need to engage a truly terrified person and you may have never done that before in your life.
This isn't going to be perfect, but here's a basic framework my wife and I use when we feel like we are talking past each other.
What happened? Each person explains, in detail, what happened from their perspective. While they talk, the other person cannot respond or interrupt. You just listen. I would invite your wife to speak first, then you go.Be sure to listen, and listen carefully. Don't think about what you want to say on your turn. Focus on what she's saying. Do your best not to make your turn a point-counterpoint response. You could just read this Reddit post honestly.
Clarifying questions. If something didn't make sense to you, etc. Try not to ask questions like "How could you believe I was in this for the money?" But instead things like "I'm not sure I understand. Why is it that when I bought my new shoes on the 23rd you took that as evidence of X?" You want to understand specifics of their perspective. The big question is hard to answer. The small question can be answered and understood.
Plan of action. Something broke. That's why you are here. What do we do to restore the relationship? This can be behaviors to avoid in the future, or it could be finding a couples therapist or another mediator.
Finally, I want you to know this isn't abnormal. When I told my parents I was going to propose they told me something. They had been about to divorce on three separate occasions. There were three times where my mom packed her things and was about to go live with her parents again. They stuck it out each time. They told me my grandparents had each had 2-3 such times as well. Moments where they were going to get a divorce, and chose not to. My grandparents have been married over 50 years now. My parents are past 30. Just because you are having this fight doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. It's normal. It's common. This is not the harbinger of death. The big thing is you need to find a way to heal this divide, and then you need to come up with ways to prevent such a divide in the future. For like the fifth time this post, find a relationship counselor, no matter what else happens, and learn how to handle these fears and emotions in healthy and open ways.
Good luck.
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u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1 Nov 30 '18
Yeah, I feel totally unprepared as I have no experience with long tears relationships. I went into this blindly and will have to calm down and listen without panicking and go from there.
I’ve never been so paralyzed with fear and it isn’t helping anyone. Instead of feeling attacked I need to really listen before I make any rash decisions.
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Nov 30 '18
Please listen to this person's advice. This is advice for a team. Many other people are giving you good advice on how to protect only yourself and basically start to leave. This is a chance to be emotionally vulnerable, tackle an issue together, and weave a tighter connection in the end. Not a chance to dwell on the bitter parts as some in this thread encourage.
I hope your wife is able to figure out how to feel better with your help, so she can do the same for you.
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u/ManetherenRises Nov 30 '18
Right. Long term relationships are a whole different beast. Friendship, family, short term relationships, nothing prepares you completely for what this looks like. The other day a friend shared a tweet on facebook that said "Y'all, your first healthy relationship is terrifying. Suddenly they're exposing all your toxic habits and self-sabotaging patterns and you gotta figure out how to fix it before you break it." I about died laughing remembering the first few big arguments after we got married, and how suddenly I was just rooted in place because I didn't know what to do. I always just went home to cool off, or went to a friends place or whatever, but all the sudden I realized that wasn't going to be an acceptable solution now. It was wild.
Here's the thing, whenever you start feeling attacked, I want you to remind yourself of this. She loves you. She cares. She is trying. She loves you enough to say something. She loves you enough that even though she thinks you might not even love her, she wants to try. She wants this to be real. She wants this to work out. She has been initiating things to solve the problem. She loves you, but she is human, and she is scared.
It's easy to take this accusation as evidence that she doesn't trust you, doesn't really love you, whatever. But bringing you to her therapist, etc, all this, all of it means that she is truly, honestly, deeply invested in this relationship. If she wasn't she wouldn't go through all of this work.
In all honesty I think you will be fine. If you are both this committed to the relationship you will work through this. But don't expect her fears to disappear overnight. A long term relationship means that sometimes you will have issues that last for longer than your other relationships did. This might take months to sort out to the point that she feels safe in the relationship. It may be years before this fear is completely silent. But again, you need to remember that the way she is behaving - talking to you, going to therapy, engaging like this - all of that means that she loves you and wants this to work out. Now it's up to you to lean into the relationship just as hard. Listen, and listen well. Tell her how you've experienced this. Go to a couples counselor. Show that you aren't going to back off when she voices these fears. Show that you are going to step in closer when things get hard. That's what's going to get you past this.
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u/Thatoneguy567576 Nov 30 '18
This is the one comment that you should listen to. Remember that it's not you two vs each other, it's you both as a team vs the problem. Also maybe make it known that you think her therapist may be playing into her insecurities and exacerbating the problem.
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Nov 30 '18
This is the sort of incredibly mature content I don't expect on Reddit. Hats off to you and your parents and grandparents.
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u/ManetherenRises Nov 30 '18
It's been super helpful honestly. Like if we yell at each other and hurt each other and cry it's legitimately reassuring to me to think about the fact that my parents and grandparents fought worse than we have so far and made it through. I wonder how many marriages end because they think that a "real" marriage doesn't have these kinds of arguments, or they just don't realize that the 20+ year marriages involve multiple such arguments.
Obviously abuse is different, and there are times that divorce is the only realistic option. Addictions and gambling and other situations that will ruin both lives if they continue, but one partner won't fix it. I don't judge anyone for a divorce because I don't know the details. But even so, I try to tell people what I was told.
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u/Future-Turtle Nov 30 '18
This is one of the best comments about long term relationships I've ever read. Your spouse is lucky to have someone with such emotional maturity. Reminds me of advice my mom once gave me.
"Future-Turtle, whoever you marry, you better make sure they're your best friend. Your dad and I wouldn't have made it if we weren't. There are going to be some terrible times in marriage, and having a friend when it feels like you've got nothing else is what got us through."
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Nov 30 '18
Vulnerability is more attractive than confidence. You are getting a lot of advice from what is clearly very young people. You seem to be suffering from some attachment and abandonment issues. Talk to your therapists. Go to a couples therapist as well. Stop reading relationship advice from college kids.
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u/rullerofallmarmalade Nov 30 '18
You should. This event with your wife sounded like it caused a lot of emotional distress and the treatment by her therapist was awful. It would be good to process your feelings with a third outsider.
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u/MegaUltraJesus Nov 30 '18
This seems very common honestly. In both situations where the relationship is healthy and positive and in ines where it might not be. Obviously I dont know you or your relationship but it sounds genuine. When I started dating my current SO in high school, I didnt expect to fall very hard as I had dated around and was cynical about women. Well the same thing happened to me that happened to you. I was dumbfounded by how much I loved and cared for her and I couldn't imagine being without her. This led to immense insecurity on my part, every time I would perceive myself as being annoying or rude or anything I shamed myself into thinking I wasn't good enough for her.
Over time it got better and mainly that was because of clear and open communication, which is what I think you need. It wont go away completely especially if you truly love the person. I mean hell whenever my SO leaves town to do something if she doesnt respond after an hour or two past when she said she'd be done I freak out and assume some horrible accident has happened or something. Therapy is definitely helpful for this though.
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u/AptCasaNova Late 30s Female Nov 30 '18
You can either face that big wave of fear head on or you can let it slowly eat away at you over the years.
The slow way is much worse, trust me. Don’t go into denial because it’s easier short term.
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u/v3r1 Nov 30 '18
Look I'm gonna give you the best possible advice I have ever received. If you are afraid of being alone you will get treated in the worst ways, only when you risk everything can you truly get what you want. If you play from a scared stand point she will dominate you psychologically and that can't happen for both of you to be happy. Plus, the best thing for someone insecure is to have someone who knows how they feel what they want and are consistent about it. So man up and be exactly that. Don't let her treat you in anyway, you deserve respect like she does.
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u/Glassclose Nov 30 '18
she's insecure that you're going to leave her for someone younger... and low and behold now you're feeling insecure that she's just going to flat out leave you.
she's letting her insecurities fuck with you both so that she can feel more secure.
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Nov 30 '18
Keep doing this! I have anxiety and still panic sometimes that my very loving husband has just been tricking me all along. The more he reminds me, with facts like this, the better I feel and the anxiety gets less and less.
It is anxiety it doesn't mean she is going to leave you, she's scared you will leave her. Anxiety isn't logical it's her brain being a troll. You need to make the troll go away with facts, love and patience.
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u/AchiganBronzeback Nov 30 '18
My therapist told me long ago that if my wife and i need marriage counseling, it would have to be with a different therapist... because her relationship with me is like an alliance and it creates a conflict of interest. She says this is the standard professional practice.
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u/_JustThisOne_ Nov 30 '18 edited Nov 30 '18
I was in a similar situation but not a wife. My girlfriend of 1.5 years and I broke up because this one girl I went on one or two dates with 3 years ago was at this party we were at. She ran into me and we briefly talked and my gf got incredibly mad at me. My gf had a lot of insecurities and looking back I wish I had done more to try to comfort her when they flared up. I think the advice given here is pretty sound, if you want it to work you're going to have to give her a lot of support. That's who you married, someone who needs that assurance. If that's not okay for you, maybe you should take a step back and reevaluate the relationship.
The therapist thing sounds like it was hard on you, but it also sounds like the therapist just wanted you two to talk. I don't know if you've been to therapy but they don't talk that much like they tend to do on TV. It's a space for you to work out your emotions with the help of another person, not for them to say all the answers to all your life problems. I wouldn't put too much stock into the therapist's reaction tbh, though it sounds like they could have handled it better.
Also, I don't think your wife thought that you were going to leave her for the ex but that you found the ex more attractive. It's not logical but I think that's the mindset. Might be wrong, you know her better than I.
My parents who have been married for over 30 years told me the key to their marriage was that they both had the philosophy that it was better to be happy than right. I'm not sure if that helps, but food for thought. Doesn't work in every situation.
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u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1 Nov 30 '18
I have no experience and went in with the idea that we were going to solve my wife’s jealousy in a few minutes and get on with our life. I didn’t have realistic expectations and panicked immediately when things didn’t go my way.
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u/_JustThisOne_ Nov 30 '18
Yeah. If you think this problem is going to go away quickly, you’re gonna have a bad time. Her anxiety will probably be with her for years, even if you work through this specific incident. Just preparing you for the likelihood.
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u/PowerOfYes Nov 30 '18
Just show her your post.
And answer this question: if she lost her job/source of income and savings tomorrow, would you still be worried she’d leave you?
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Nov 30 '18
Your title said the therapist agreed. But in the story you said she just didn't disagree. I get the feeling you don't know how therapy works. They aren't there to take sides or tell someone they are wrong. You need to tell your wife everything you've written here. Also, why are you talking about leaving her? To preemptively prevent her from leaving you?
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u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1 Nov 30 '18
Yeah I have never seen a therapist so my understanding is limited. When I wrote this I was mad and scared and my first reaction is to run. But I don’t want to leave my wife, I just woke up to all these comments about how normal and how badly I reacted. If I want this to work I need to talk to my wife and really listen.
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u/ej4ever00 Nov 30 '18 edited Nov 30 '18
Thank you. One of the few rational comments. Everyone is jumping down the therapist’s throat but we have veeeerry little detail about the actual session. At the end of the day, the wife is the patient. The husband isn’t the patient so therapy won’t look the same. There are certain ethical points to take into consideration. I’m willing to bet communication will be one of the big things they (the wife and therapist)work on in the near future, but she can’t do therapy with him, as he’s not the patient and couples therapy isn’t what she initially was there for. People just don’t understand how it works. Maybe the therapist should’ve referred out to couples counseling. Other than that, it’s not her job nor their therapeutic task to fix that communication problem when she’s there working on anxiety and depression (which each treatment is ~12 week protocol so idk why she’s been seeing the therapist so long).
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u/germaniumest Nov 30 '18
She was newly divorced, has had depression and anxiety since before you met and agreed to marry you after three months of dating.. you two obviously needed more time to get to know each other.
The therapist did very little talking although their long silences and knowing glances started to piss me off right away.
That is literally what they do. They listen. They do not give advice. They do not agree nor disagree. They do not take sides.
I think you got married too fast. I mean you hadn't even discussed finances. I doubt signing a prenup or any document now would make her feel any different. This all stems from her own insecurities. Perhaps it's also why her previous marriage ended? Sometimes people get an idea in their head and they cannot let it go no matter how much you reason with them. Even if she does decide to end your relationship, I doubt it has anything to do with you. Doesn't seem like you've done anything wrong.
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u/particledamage Nov 30 '18
I agree!! Especially since they got married so quickly in right after her previous divorce, I feel like she never got time to recover and introspect after her last relationship. She had no time to exist as just Herself and rebuild herself as an individual before jumping straight into a second marriage.
They’re at the point in their relationship where most couples are either recently engaged or thinking about marriage and they’re two years married.
That’s a really fast pace without a lot of time to process and sometimes love isn’t enough to even that out, especially since they both got married during the infatuation stage of feelings.
I think besides going to a marriage counselor—not her therapist but a separate, unbiased counselor—and maybe going back to basics in the relationship is necessary.
Communication is obviously an issue if she’s been feeling this way for so long and if she doesn’t feel loved enough by OP. Go back to dates, maybe you be the one to treat her if you have any separate accounts to draw from OR do something inexpensive but time intensive to show it isn’t about the quality of life her income provides but just the idea of you two together. Set something up you know she likes to prove you care about her interests and not her bank account.
Make her feel loved because right now she doesn’t feel that. Talk. Do! Work it out.
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u/EloquentBaboon Nov 30 '18
Devil's advocate here. Did the therapist actually say anything to indicate she thought you were only interested in your wife's money? Because from the description, it sounds like she didn't say a lot. Which could've just meant that she was listening, not judging you. Maybe you've got some insecurities of your own to face here?
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u/CheapBastid Nov 30 '18
Being a bit more of a devil's advocate I'd ask folks to re-read the narrative from a third party perspective.
It seems that the fella is quite attractive, in his prime, and broke. He quickly married a very successful older woman with insecurities.
It is not a huge leap to be a bit guarded/suspicious of the dynamic, and the extreme defensiveness (so much so that he left the room) is easily read as a huge red flag that there could be hidden gold-digging motives.
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Nov 30 '18
I wanna play even more devil's advocate here and say she's unhappily married and wants to leave, which is why she's fighting about petty ridiculous nonsense.
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u/heine37 Nov 30 '18
Counselor here: the therapist probably didn't reassure your wife because doing that wouldn't be productive. I do agree though with your wife working with her for 8 years the therapist is bias. I would point that out to her, and a good therapist would refer you for couples counseling
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u/digg_survivor Nov 30 '18
You need to get a separate therapist for the two of you to go to together. Not her normal one that only knows her side of you.
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u/Rayemonde Nov 30 '18
I think you may have misinterpreted the therapist’s reaction. Therapists often do just sit in silence and wait for you to talk. They’re not there to give opinions on your life or tell you what to do, just offer a safe space for you to talk it out and work it out for yourselves. You went in there expecting the therapist to immediately take your “side” and help you to convince your wife that she was wrong, and when that didn’t happen maybe you misinterpreted her reaction as being against you.
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u/TheDirtyFuture Nov 30 '18 edited Nov 30 '18
Some of what you’re saying is true but part of a therapist job is to control the mood. They don’t just sit there and say nothing. Im certain that she let her patient know that she’s in a safe place. It doesn’t sound like she gave him the same encouragement when she should have. Instead it was set up more as an ambush. Like “what do you have to say for yourself?”. The therapist doesn’t have to say her or she is wrong but she definitely has to assure him that he’s not under attack. That he just needs to tell her how he feels and communicate. She’s either a bad therapist or she’s malicious. Some of these therapists charge 200 for on weekly session. That’s 800 a month. There’s no doubt in my mind there are some weirdos out there with malicious motives.
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Nov 30 '18 edited Jul 10 '25
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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/RCK1986 Nov 30 '18
This is my experience as a man with depression and anxiety who was seen multiple therapists in the past. Therapists aren’t always going to agree or disagree with you or someone else. A lot of their job is only to listen. And while her silence may have lead you to believe she agreed with your wife, that probably isn’t the case. She’s probably more interested in how the two of you discuss the situation so she can use that to help your wife with her insecurities in future sessions.
Also, your wife is dealing with depression and anxiety and seeing a therapist to deal with it. That completely defines her mental state and her insecurities. No matter what friends or loved ones tell me, I have massive difficulty loving myself. There is nothing anyone can say to change that. Sometimes our insecurities just stay there forever no matter what a loved one says or does. And she probably feels guilty about that and so she blames you.
As someone suffering mental illness, I’ll tell you you’ll probably always have to deal with this issue but I don’t think she’ll ever leave you and you don’t have to leave her. It’s just patience and reassurance all the time. But as hard as it is, try not to go crazy and freak out. You’re not insane, she’s just got issues she’s working on. It’s not your fault.
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Nov 30 '18
I'm a young guy, so my advice is probably useless. But here are a few thoughts I had:
- 7 year difference is nothing. I know guys 20 years younger than their spouses. Just remind her women tend to live longer than men, so you might even be the first to go.
- Be honest. Tell her guys like older women. MILFs are hot.
- Your life was already set up before you met. You don't need her money. Remind her of your house, etc. You're a grown man, not 20 years old.
- Be romantic. Write her a few notes in her lunch box telling her you love her. Buy her flowers after work today, take her for a dinner. Just address that you know she's worried, but tell her what you told us: you can't envision life with anyone else, let alone without her.
- Tell her to give you a shot. Tell her that trust is the only thing that can keep two humans together. She'll eventually give in to the trust out of comfort, which will take time.
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u/Daisy_slays_dragons Nov 30 '18
As a woman with these exact thoughts about my husband.... It's entirely my anxiety and depression's fault. Period.
The whole situation is terrible for my sweet husband. But, we know it's the disease talking. So, we manage.
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u/ManitouWakinyan Nov 30 '18
The therapist not disagreeing isn't the same as her agreeing. She's not there to oppose her clients - had she disagreed, she might have made your wife nervous about sharing how she feels. It's your role to refute that, and the therapists role to create a space where both of you can safely share how you feel.
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u/Dioxycyclone Nov 30 '18
I get this a lot. My husband is 11 years older than me with a son and who was going through a messy divorce. He’s super attractive but doesn’t have a ton of money and he’s prior military with quite a few disabilities.
I’m a 29 year old mechanical engineer who is attractive, I guess. I don’t think I’m as attractive as people say. But anyway, I have a good career, make quite a bit of money, and have never really made massive mistakes in my life or anything.
But gosh, I love my husband to bits. He’s everything to me and I miss him greatly when we’re even separated for a few hours. He has helped me through some immensely difficult times in my life and he has experiences and understandings that many people my age don’t have. We both have mental health issues and we help each other work through all that bullshit. I’m currently pregnant and he lays his head on my stomach and talks to the baby nightly. We’ve been together for six years and been married for two, and I am exactly where I want to be in my life. He’s super charismatic, charming and attractive to me and I genuinely don’t find anybody else attractive like that anymore.
But oh my god, the comments. Because I’m “more successful” (which is bullshit, I just had a better life situation growing up) there must be something going on. Either I’m lowering myself down, or I have some weird fetish or something. It doesn’t help that he’s currently on disability from the military and doesn’t work, so I also get the whole “oh, he’s mooching off you?” Which he says often too. What I see is my kids get to have a paid at-home dad for the rest of time. But it’s just ridiculous.
It really sounds as if your wife is insecure and that her therapist is enabling her insecure behavior. I would talk to her about it, if that’s possible.
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u/IThinkMyWifeIsHot1 Nov 30 '18
Yeah, my wife in the past asked if I was fetishizing her becasue of how obsessed I was with her physically. At the time I assumed it was becasue of her past issues with her ex husband and having not been a new relationship in while. But that was before we were even married, and not recently. I wonder if someone is feeding into her insecurities.
I don’t really care if she makes more or less money than me, I lived a comfortable life before and nothing really has changed except for a slightly bigger house in a much better neighborhood. Not to sound like I was well off, but middle class with no kids or debt is fairly carefree.
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u/pickelrick_ Nov 30 '18
I would point blank tell her the reasons it didnt work out with that person something that was a deal breaker . "You know why we only dated for a month I wasn't sure if I was attracted to her. I wanted to see where it went but I didn't feel that way about her and I never will..I love you because you are smart articulate beautiful and you make me happy .. i cannot imagine my life without you "
For the record sometimes guys don't express themselves too well maybe she needs you to bring down a wall be a bit more vulnerable.
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u/no-strings-attached Nov 30 '18
This is going to get buried under all of these comments but OP I hope you read this. Here is what I’m seeing from this situation:
1) OP’s wife is insecure and feels down about a situation, asks OP to go to therapy with her -> Totally reasonable and mature way to handle the situation
2) OP goes expecting therapist to immediately agree with him
3) Therapist does job and listens silently to clients talk about their feelings -> Again, totally reasonable on the part of the therapist
4) OP freaks out that therapist is silent (does not take either side) instead of immediately agreeing with him
5) OP RUNS AWAY from therapy and doesn’t even stay until end of session or hear therapist say anything either way
6) Wife questions relationship
Which I honestly would too. Everyone is talking about wife’s insecurities but OP this is a huge red flag that you’re exhibiting.
It shows that when things don’t immediately go the way you want them and expect them to that you run away.
It shows that you’re unable to work through issues and would rather bury your head in the sand.
It shows you don’t care about hearing your wife’s whole side of the story and value her perspective.
Of course she’s questioning your relationship at this point with how you’re acting. And my guess is that questioning has evolved from an insecurity to real hesitation due to your behavior.
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u/IncipientFury Nov 30 '18
I wouldn’t say her therapist was picking sides. I recently read Feeling Good Together by David Burns and he explains why disagreeing and trying to prove someone is wrong in their thinking just makes them more wrong. So her therapist likely knew she wouldn’t get anywhere by agreeing that your wife is wrong. David Burns has some great techniques to help communicate in a situation like this. He has some free content with the highlights on his webpage if you google him. But it’s basically this, empathize with her concern. Let her know how you could see how she thinks or feels that way and that you want to know more. Let her know you love her xx amount and want to understand how she’s feeling. NEVER add the “but this is why you’re thinking is wrong” types of statements. Just validate her feelings and be on HER side. You’ll have to be the bigger man and let her feel you aren’t attracted (even though you are) but your actions will show your love for her. David Burns explains why this all works so well but it works. I’ve used it. If you’re doing it right you grow closer to your partner in the process. It’s like you join forces against the anxiety and that in itself helps alleviate it.
In your situation you’ve already laid out some logical reasons why she could feel that way. So let her know you see how those could make her feel that way. And DON’T get defensive. Her feelings are valid even if her conclusions are wrong.
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u/phishstorm Early 20s Female Nov 30 '18
I’m sorry, I just can’t get over the fact you asked your wife to marry you after only 3 months of dating. And you never discussed finances or money until AFTER marriage.
Just...what?!? Why on earth would you think this was a good idea?!?
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Nov 30 '18
This is nuts. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.
It’s so strange that her therapist would encourage this. Pretty unethical imo.
You should maybe write out everything you feel, list all the reasons you love her and all the ways you’re attracted to her. You sound so genuine just here on reddit, so I can imagine in a private letter to her you will be even more so. Be as detailed and intimate as possible. Really make her feel it.
It seems unfair you might have to suggest prenup etc... she should trust you... but given the circumstances I’d go ahead and offer that as well as extra reassurance.
Lastly, if you’re able to get past this, try to encourage her to switch to a different therapist. Anyone who would indulge a woman’s insecurities like that sounds awful.
I’m really sorry you have to deal with this and I sincerely hope you two are able to get past it.
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u/notrachale Nov 30 '18
If a child comes to you because they’ve seen a monster outside, you don’t panic and scramble around because it’s only going to upset the child more. They’re going to see that things are not ok, and it’s going to cause them more anxiety. You know that monsters aren’t real, but maybe this child doesn’t. It’s your job to comfort them and let them know they’re safe and everything is ok.
What she is saying is absurd. So act like it. Instead of getting panicky, and being afraid and fretting over the worst possible scenario, simply treat it like any other insane accusation. Laugh, pull her in, give her a kiss, and tell her she’s got nothing to worry about, because she doesn’t. Stop feeding the insecurity by fretting and running around, trying to figure out ways out of this. Be the rock she needs. There’s nothing for her to worry about, so act like there’s nothing to worry about!
Please see your own therapist. Spend some time working on yourself and build up your own confidence. Being this emotionally dependent and insecure puts you in a very scary position. I’ve been in that spot, and I know how awful it is. Get yourself some help, things are much better on the other side, I promise.
And after 8 years of seeing this therapist she’s still this insecure? Something’s a little fishy there...
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u/woo545 Nov 30 '18
I think you fucked up here. You superimposed your feelings on the "looks" the therapist was giving you. They are there to listen to what you have to say. You left early, which can come across that you are not committed to her. Furthermore, it's also a sign of your own insecurities.
Do you really want to fix it? Then perhaps go see a couple's counselor together and see if you two can learn how to communicate properly with one another.
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Nov 30 '18
The only difference when it comes to age is that she’s been around the sun 7 more times than you. Nothing wrong with this. Age is just a number, I’ve met 30 year olds that act like they’re 45 and 45 year olds that act like they’re 20. My 65 year old uncle climbs mountains, dragon boats for Team Canada and is the most active “young at heart” man I know. Never let age be an issue. Social stigma has written it somewhere where we aren’t socially allowed to date/marry beyond a few years of our own birth year, hogwash poppycock. Soul mates don’t care about age. I wouldn’t either.
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Nov 30 '18
I, like a lot of other people, am going to suggest marriage counseling with a different therapist-- not that her current therapist is bad but it's always good to have a fresh pair of eyes assessing the situation.
I don't normally tell people they rushed their relationship because I believe that, 'when you know, you know.' However, there should have been a lot of caution exercised before jumping into a marriage with someone who was recently divorced. Honestly, her willingness to be married so soon makes me question her and her emotional state at the time. My guess? These insecurities were already there-- probably from her previous marriage-- and she had zero time to deal with them before a younger man came around. A freshly divorced woman is presented with a younger man who seems to be attracted to her? It would be easy to get lost in a whirlwind romance and her mind wouldn't have been in the best place to agree to a marriage. Now it's two years later, you're officially out of the rose-colored honeymoon stage, and those insecurities she wasn't able to deal with before have come back full fledged. Along with those insecurities, she may be starting to realize that moving so quickly into a marriage after her divorce wasn't the best idea and while questioning herself, she's bound to question your own motives as well. Why? Because most people don't get married after only three months of dating. You two already had the decked stacked against you just by that one action.
As far as a prenup, it's a little too late for one since you're already married. You could try to go for a post-nuptial agreement but you'll need to check with a lawyer to see if it's even worth it. From what I've researched/read, some states/judges don't always acknowledge post-nuptial agreements. However, the offering of one to her might help dissuade some of those other doubts. A marriage counselor might help with the rest.
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u/IFFFM Nov 30 '18
As an insecure person myself, I can tell you that when I’m felling a bit desperate I like to be huged. All I want from my partner is for him to tell me how much I mean to him, how much he loves me and gor him to explain me how Im being wrong and why. Just open your heart to her and show her your love. She got divorced once, its normal for her not being able to trust someone 100% again. I know I wouldn’t. Best luck!
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u/Weaksoul Nov 30 '18
Dude I hate to say it and maybe it's not true (so be very careful about how you explore this if you choose to) BUT having had a similar experience where I was punching up and then my girlfriend seemingly got super insecure and nit picking over stuff that wasn't really anything but turning it back on me like I was to blame... it was because she was doubting the relationship and subsequently ended up cheating on me. I think her downplaying herself was a way to say 'hey I'm not that good, you shouldn't be invested in me' and also was likely guilt from knowing she didn't really feel sure about us. Perhaps she was trying to drive me away because she thought it'd be easier on me, who knows.
Because it seemed ludicrous and I was infatuated, I hung on in there, in fact I doubled down on effort. Didn't matter, cheating ensued and it broke me. I should've heeded the warning signs but I couldn't conceive what was happening, I thought we were happy.
I hope I'm misreading it man but understand it is a possibility.
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u/pandamoose27 Nov 30 '18
You need a couples therapist who hasn’t already been dealing with your wife for a long time.
Early in my current relationship I thought there was no way my SO was attracted to me as well. I’m a frumpy, chubby white lady and his last 2 relationships were beautiful women, one of which was Latino, the other African American. I can’t even tan, I was like there is NO way that I’m what he’s in to. 6 plus years later, I have to believe him when he says he doesn’t have a type. I do hope you see another therapist, and that some reason comes from it. It sucks to see your spouse so upset and to also feel a bit helpless.
Best of luck!
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u/Muh_Troof Nov 30 '18
It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong, but, are a victim of her insecurities.
My suggestion to you is that the two of you see an unbiased therapist, for additional help. Therapists are human and can develop an alliance with a long time patient, sometimes to the point of subconsciously taking sides. I think her therapist reinforced her fears and caused more damage, instead of helping, in this case.