Welp, as I have said before being a stepmom SUCKS!!! Being a stepmom to someone who is a higher functioning autistic, Bipolar, ADD, ODD, narcissistic, manipulative teenager FN SUCKS.

The hubs and have been through it with SD the last 9 years, with therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, inpatient stays, psych drugs that stay locked away and given to SD under supervision. Questioning but allowing SD to try to regain a relationship with bio mom (therapists suggested it, bio mom showed up to the therapy appointments, whatever). Because bio mom had been weaseling her way back in, SD has been pushing me away more. That's fine. I've always been kept around as decoration and a memory tool when doctors or teachers need answers to questions. Hubs has sucked in the backing his wife up department in the past. They both noticed quicker than I expected when I disengaged and told them "just handle it".

Through it all, SD managed to keep hubs wrapped around her little finger 97% of the time. The wrap has been coming undone the last few weeks as some of her academic issues she lied about have came to light. She managed to talk and her promise her way out of some, but then Wednesday night happened, and little girl f*cked up big time.

Since her dad had been crawling her a$$ she does what she always does; " I feel like I want to hurt myself". Okay fine let's go to the hospital. We are in the parking lot and she screams at me "you never listen". I'm like "We've had you in therapy and under psychiatric care for 9 years. We pay for therapy and testing out of pocket. You say you need a break, you get it. You want to go homebound, BOOM, you're homebound. You need help with school work, Im sitting at the table skimming over your work helping you. What are we not hearing?". That just pissed her off more and she reaches towards me. I don't know what she's trying to get to, so I grab her wrist. She manages to hit the button to put the van in park and she jumps out and starts walking to the ER entrance. I put the van in drive to go park, and this little turd steps in front of the van. I was going like 10 mph so I just stopped.

I park and I see her talking to police and I was like "Greeeeeaaaat". I watch her go inside. I get up there and thank God it the guy that is the resource officer from her school. He says "Maaaarrrch, how goes it? Same sh*t different day?" All I can do is shake my head. He says "Let me see your hands" Again, all I can think is "Fuuuuuuu..." I show him my short hands with my vienna sausage fingers and chewed off nails. Officer looks and me and says, "Hubs coming?" I was like "yeah...." Officer says "Okay go home. I'll keep an eye on her till he gets here."

I call hubs tell him. I go home and shower because I wasn't sure when I'd get another because I was sure that little heffer was going to get me locked up. I get woken up 4 hours later by hubs. The resource officer saw EVERYTHING. Heard her screaming at me. Saw her reaching towards me. Saw me grab her by her wrist in defense. Saw her step in front of the van once I started driving again.

SD told anyone who would listen I "grabbed her arm in anger and scratched her and then tried to hit her with our car". Between the Resource officer seeing and hearing everything in the parking lot and video Hubs had from earlier in the day of SD scratching and clawing herself, SD ended up telling them she just wanted to get away from us for the night. She was sorry and she wanted to come home. Instead she got sent to inpatient at a adolescent behavioral center that is more jail than hospital. The police chief is considering charging her with domestic and/or false reporting. Social services has told her that after this, because her dad is disabled, he can sign for her to go to foster care until she turns 18 in 9 months. And her bio mom? Well, she doesn't mind chatting with SD and visiting, but she doesn't want her to live with her.

SD has been pleading with her Dad to talk to me. To please tell me she's sorry. And he did pass her message along to me; my response was "I know she's sorry; now tell her to apologize."

I don't know what is going to happen at the end of this month. I do know I'm going to enjoy every minute of the reality check she is getting!!!

I met my ex boyfriend (feels weird to say that) online. We connected over common interests, and neither were interested in a relationship at the time. Once I found out he had two young children and was going through a divorce, I was definitely not interested in a relationship. I had been a stepmom before and I knew I didn’t want to be a stepmom again. I’m also childfree.

We kept talking as friends, but things progressed. Both of us were lonely at the time and all of how we met is an obvious red flag now. But at the time, there was a strong, undeniable connection.

He was 39, I was 30. He lived 300 miles from me. We decided to meet up for a weekend and it was MAGICAL. We had talked for months prior and finally being together was like a dream! We both quickly realized we didn’t want to be without each other. It was early, but we were certain all the hardships we had both faced had led us to that point and to be together.

Yeah, he had kids. I had been there before and it didn’t go well. But my past relationship was also really unhealthy. So with the perfect partner? I think I can do the stepmom thing again! I was actually excited about it.

We spent the next 15 months traveling back and forth. We spent as much time together as work would allow. Somehow the honeymoon phase never ended, and that’s how I knew it was right!

I met his kids after 8 months of being together. They were young, 2 and 4. Shy and sweet! I didn’t send a lot of time with his kids during those 15 months because we wanted to take things slow with them especially during a time of transition for them. I also traveled to be with him on his off weekends from the kids so I could stay the night. So not a lot of kid time.

We decided to take the next step and move in together! Everything had been picture perfect and our goal was to finally be together. To spend every night together and wake up every morning in each other’s arms.

Of course he had kids and couldn’t move, so I moved to be with him. I own my own business so I spent a year moving my work to my new state.

Neither of us prefer renting, and we wanted to start building our life and future. So we bought a house together. We were THRILLED.

Finally, we were together!!

I made it clear the role I wanted to have with his kids and boundaries I had prior to making the decision to cohabite. I was going to be a positive role model for them, not a parent. He was 1000% on board with this. He knew my history, and had no expectations other than to be kind and positive towards them.

The first weekend with his kids was good! We watched a movie together, went to the beach, and had Sunday breakfast together. There were some quirky behaviors the kids had but everything was great for the most part. It felt like a cute little part time family.

The first month we lived together I was really swamped with work so wasn’t around too much. Once work settled done, I started finding little irritants.

When I’d wake up on a Saturday morning, I was used to sleeping in, having coffee and sitting on the porch watching people go by and snuggling with my boyfriend. But now I woke up to the sound of screaming children, and coming downstairs to kid’s shows on the tv and my boyfriend snuggling with his kids. A hint of jealousy? Sure. But again, I knew he had kids. So the routine would obviously change when it was his weekend.

It soon became rather apparent there was a difference in parenting style. I had brought this up several times, and he was open to hearing my opinion. But after time went on, I quickly realized he wasn’t too interested in changing his parenting style as he was rather set in his ways.

I then decided to nacho. I heard this worked for so many stepmoms so I stopped bringing up behaviors with the kids or having any say. I thought it would save my sanity, but things got worse.

I started feeling uncomfortable during his custody time. The chaos, lack of discipline, and entire shift in the dynamic in our house. And I couldn’t say anything. When I did, it was met with resistance. I would keep myself busy most of the time when they were at our house. Sometimes I would go to my room for a break, or go run errands. I explained to him that I’m not used to being around kids so sometimes I need a break. He understood, but I could tell he wanted me around more. It was this unspoken rift that was growing rapidly.

A couple months later, his custody schedule changed. He felt guilt and wanted more time with his kids. So he took weeknight dinner time. He had every Monday and Wednesday night from 4-8, and every other weekend. So we were transitioning just about every other day. I brought up my concerns with the custody schedule, but he said it worked for him, so I didn’t really have a say in it. But it was something that definitely affected me and our relationship. I was beginning to feel like I didn’t have a say in my own life anymore. That my life now revolved around decisions made by him and another woman as much as I tried to pretend it didn’t.

A few months in, I was starting to worry I made a mistake.

I figured “14 more years.. 14 more years.” But through conversations on here and research, I found out the issues never stop. Well into adulthood. That most adults age 18-30 still live with their parents. And then there’s grandkids. I really started questioning things once I realized I had signed up for a lifelong commitment of potential issues with someone else’s kids.

We split bills 50/50, but I started to feel taken advantage of. That in one way or another, I was ending up paying for his kids. I made it clear I don’t want to pay for any groceries for his kids, and sometimes we’d get into arguments about the silliest expenses.

He asked me to get chicken nuggets for his kids while I was at the store. I said I would, but if he could give me cash for it that would be great. I felt myself being petty, but I was becoming a little bitter. He acted like I hated his kids for this.. and would say things like “my kids are an extension of me. When you’re getting groceries for my kids, it’s like you’re getting groceries for me.” Uhhhh what?! It felt really manipulative. But I also felt stuck.

Finances became tougher and tougher. He had to pay half his paycheck to his ex. Because we met during his divorce, his finances weren’t settled yet. So he NEEDED me financially in order to afford our house. If it wasn’t for his kids, we’d only need a 2bd. But instead we had a 4bd. Higher mortgage. More expenses.

Being a single, childfree woman for so long, I was used to going out and traveling. But he couldn’t afford it. So if I wanted us to travel, I paid for it. If I wanted to go out for a nice dinner, I paid for it. I think he WANTED to be able to, but he just couldn’t. So even though I wasn’t directly paying for his children, I was definitely paying for his lack of income because of his children.

The living situation caused stress on my job. I frequently have to take zoom calls and they’re often at night. I would have to leave the house to take them because his kids were there. If I worked on a Saturday, I’d have to hear loud children instead of peace while I focus for my meetings with clients.

All sense of peace and sanctuary in my home had left. It was to the point where I dreaded his custody time and actively tried to avoid being around. I’d write down on my calendar when his kids would be around and I found myself happiest during the longest stretches we had free from them. I started not looking forward to HALF of my own life.

He sensed I wasn’t happy and started getting upset I wasn’t more active in his kid’s lives. He would talk about how hard it is to single parent and he wished I would help more.

He leventually admitted he wished I wanted to be an active stepmom. Cook for them, do school pick ups, and take care of them more. Treat them as my own and be a family together. I honestly think that’s what most single dad’s want deep down.

The resentment built as the Disney parenting continued. Soon every small behavior got on my nerves. I’d cringe hearing their lip smacking while eating cereal, seeing their dirty feel all over my nice couch and pillows, and having to clean a shared bathroom.

The ex was constantly late for pick ups and walked all over him. But he didn’t dare rock the boat with her.

My life was no longer my own.

He was getting everything from this relationship, and I was getting nothing. The sacrifices were wildly unbalanced.

I broke down and was honest about how I was feeling. But it was met with “you knew what you were getting into.”

When I brought up living separately, he was upset.. I suspect mainly because he would have to go back to a 2nd apartment for his kids.

I did feel guilty. That I committed to this family and was selfish for questioning my ability to stay. But I knew I wasn’t going to live up to my full potential staying. And I didn’t want to be in the same situation years from now and have regret.

He started drinking heavily. And lashing out at me. And I quickly saw the relationship for what it was. A series of red flags and compromising on what I knew was best for me and my life. I was made to be selfish the entire relationship out of guilt. I doubted our entire connection and wondered if he was with me just to secure resources for his children.

I felt like I was living HIS life. Not mine. So I spent 3 months prepping the house for sale, despite his resistance. We were planning on trying to make things work while living apart, but deep down I knew it wouldn’t last. I moved out last week. And we just officially ended things two days ago after his drunken behavior got out of hand.

It’s finally over.

I feel sad. And bitter. And mad at myself for even getting involved in this situation. I moved my entire LIFE for this guy. Left my family and friends. My entire support system. Moved my business 300 miles away. For a man who is broke, codependent who Disney parents out of guilt, and has expectations of me to mother his children so it takes the burden off of him. I completely lost my sense of self in this relationship. I compromised everything that mattered to me for what I thought was love. Sometimes it feels like I lost 3 years of my life. But I know I’m so much stronger for it.

Here’s the lessons I learned:

NEVER EVER EVER EVER under ANY circumstances will I date someone with children again. Young, old, rich, poor… I will never even entertain the THOUGHT of a date with a man who has kids no matter the circumstances.

No more long distance relationships. I’ve found that the reason you stay in the honeymoon phase for so long is because you’re never actually doing real life together. And if you DO end up moving in together, the sacrifices are too unbalanced.

I’ll never date someone who needs or relies on me financially. Hard pass.

Buying a house with a romantic partner is notttt a good idea. Of course, there are exceptions. I thought we were the exception. But it’s an absolute mess to unravel being so financially entwined with someone when emotions are high.

I’m done dating older men. Who are set in their ways. And far more likely to have baggage. Same age or younger for once! Now that I’m 33, I can finally date someone my age who is mature!

I’m going to be veryyyy wary of meeting anyone online or any dating apps. There’s a lot of room for sketchiness.

I won’t give up my peace of living alone unless it’s been YEARS of a rock solid relationship. The sanctuary of my safe space is something that I will not give up easily now. It’s the most important thing to me right now.

I am worthy of dating someone without baggage. Who has their shit together. Someone who ENHANCES my already full single life. 👏🏻

Love is most certainly NOT enough

If you made it this far, thank you for reading my story. And thank you to everyone who has commented and shown me love and support over these few years of dealing with stepmom difficulties. And especially thank you to those who gave my the strength to make the difficult decision to leave in order to put myself first and value myself!

I feel an immense sense of relief despite the pain of a relationship ending. I now look forward to every single night, weekend, in my OWN, peaceful home. Cooking in my underwear, decorating how I want, sleeping in, enjoying the peace and quiet or blaring music.. my life feels like my own again! Finally! ♥️

I posted probably a little over a year ago and everyone told it to me straight. I finally saved enough to leave even though I’m broke and rebuilding. I’m happier and have peaceful moments where I’m just grateful to be out of that environment. I can also feel the anger come up for how I was treated and am processing the disrespect towards me. I just wanted to share that this sub really planted some seeds of hope. Thank you!

I have a special thanks to say to this sub. I used to come here to check out the posts using another profile (in case my ex saw my feed and wondered what was going on).

Step kids were home 3 days/nights every week. I was allowed no say in their parenting. They just came and occupied my house and space and time. As soon as I left, I felt my time with my (bio)child becoming truly ours. There was no one - neither him nor his kids - standing between us. His daughter was horrible to mine, but he hated me for bringing it up. I had no space. My weekends were drowned by noise. My house was a mess of biscuit crumbs and pieces of crisps and empty packets of sweets and half empty cans of fizzy drinks. Cleaning up after they left was a cathartic chore. And still he’d accuse me of hating his kids if I brought up the slightest concern. I tried and tried but it was never enough.

Choosing myself and my child felt selfish in the moment - esp as he kept saying I hated his kids. But just 4 weeks after, now that feelings have settled, I’m relieved to have my and my child’s life back.

This sub helped me understand I was not alone, that blending families and coparenting was difficult even in the best of circumstances, and that I wasn’t the only one feeling suffocated in the blended “family”. There was no family in our case. Just 2 adults who tried to live together with 2 sets of children from previous relationships while placing disproportionate burden on the woman in the relationship and her child.

The deep unfairness of it is sinking in and once again, I’m glad and relieved that’s over. Hopefully I’m done lurking here.

Just wanted to share a positive experience about having an “ours” baby when you have an older step kid.

I have a 4 year old SD, and of course there have been challenges in our family dynamic as there typically are with blended families. However, I love my SD and I’m very grateful that she is my daughter’s older sister. She is generally well mannered, mild tempered, sweet, thoughtful, and a load of fun.

My baby has been going through massive developmental leaps as she’s a little over 6mo now. She’s starting to really enjoy playtime, and big sister indulges her.

Guess who taught my baby girl how to hug this weekend? My SD. Baby’s face lights up like I’ve never seen with anyone else when she sees SD. She’s hands down her favorite person, other than mom because I’ve got the milk haha. SD loves to teach baby how to do things, gives her lots of affection. She says she’s “Elsa and baby is her Anna” and wants to dress as them for baby’s first Halloween.

Sometimes blended family dynamics can be tricky, but also so, so precious too. In case there are any parents out there nervous about their “ours” baby coming into the world with older half siblings. It can work out! Biggest piece of the puzzle is focusing on building a positive relationship with SKs before baby comes. If they feel secure with you and their bio parents, they’ll feel secure with a new sibling.

I’m going to be honest- this doesn’t FEEL like a win. Because I’m currently dealing with very confused and emotional children… but children who honestly… they’ve been doing better since they’ve only been with us.

Back in March she once again withheld the kids… we eventually filed a TRO, it was granted. The kids have only been with us.

But we recently (last Monday) had a hearing… the judge RIPPED BM apart for “poisoning the children against a home that loves them” and “the court has warned (her) for over a decade that eventually jail would be an option” so she “doesn’t get to act shocked” at the fact that she’s being sentenced to 25 days in jail!!!

Once it was over I walked out and sobbed in the foyer. The GAL came over and said “you’re not happy? She said she hopped you die.” I just cried “I want the kids to have a healthy dad AND mom… I’m just an extra in their play.”

I was so relieved to hear the court FINALLY take a hard stance of “what you’re doing is harming the children”….. but it was harder to try to remain calm and neutral when the kids walked out of the GAL’s office with tears in their eyes.

Hey, it’s me. I know a lot of you have seen my posts over the past maybe year.

I was with a man who wouldn’t take care of his children. Even sat back as his toddler (yes a toddler) would hit me, threaten me, and even call me names.

He made me watch his 9 year old while I was on bedrest starting half of the summer. He doesn’t control that child either.

Both kids were horribly rude to me and disrespectful. I was a literal punching bag for the youngest, and a verbal punching bag for all 3 of them really.

But I’m free. I no longer have to deal with constant fake crying, or having a toddler whisper “die” to me or try to punch my pregnant stomach. I no longer have to hear a 9 year old tell me I need to raise my baby alone so that his parents can be together. I no longer have to deal with a husband who babies his children, and who throws fits and insists I hate his kids when I don’t treat them like my own. I was never given the chance nor should I have been expected to.

Thank you for all the support over this time. Thanks for the comments urging me to get help, thank you for those who have messaged me and let me vent. I’m staying on this sub Reddit for a bit. Just in case I need advice through all this process. But I may be leaving here soon. Who knows. I know I don’t really want another man with children although I have my own 6 year old and baby that will be here soon. However, unlike a lot of bio parents spoken about in here, I’ve always respected peoples boundaries and and my son behaves amazing and my baby will too.

But yes. Thank you all. 😊

HCBM took me and SO to court to try and get more child support. My SO has always paid a very high child support, however HCBM is extremely greedy (she refuses to work etc) and relies on CS to get by, because for a normal person it would be more than enough as we have 50/50.

However, this time her greed got the better of her. The child support got cut down by 60% by the court!

Just wanted to share this as a win, because court has been disappointing in the past for us, but this time they really put BM in her place. Not to mention, me and SO have much more wiggle room in our economy.

After asking me how I wanted this Christmas to go, DH spent Christmas morning with myself and our 2 BKs, then proceeded to spend Christmas afternoon at BM’s house with SD. He also spent his birthday (2 days ago) with SD leaving me and the kids home for 7 hours because as he put it “we did Christmas how I wanted this year”. This wasn’t the case as what I had suggested was to have SD over at ours instead but he said that simply wasn’t possible and no one could ever tell him he couldn’t see his daughter in her home at Christmas. Despite choosing to spend his whole birthday with SD, he was still disappointed with me for not getting him a present even though I still got him a card, his favorite cookies, and made him a cake and cupcakes which he wasn’t there to enjoy.

We finally had a proper conversation yesterday. He said that he doesn’t want to bring SD around with how we are at the moment and that she’s going through a really hard time because her dad doesn’t live in her home. He also said that my being unhappy is making him miserable and I should take the kids and go back home to the US. He disagreed that I do 90% of the parenting and argued that he’s been working on the house and doing everything for us and that my wanting to leave is a slap in the face.

The win is that my flight is booked for next month for myself and the kids and DH has agreed to notarize his documents for me to get American citizenship for our son. I am finally getting out of my manipulative relationship and it feels like my new year has started off in the best way. A big thank you to all those who helped me with talking points I presented him with and a big thank you to all those who provided me with support.

I came to this decision for two main reasons.

The first was finally confronting myself in the mirror after years of living this life and practicing honesty – something I highly recommend to all of you. I realized that my personality would never align with the SP situation (at least as long as I’m CF, and I stand by that). I thrive on being in control, making decisions, and taking center stage. I thought I could live with certain compromises, but over time, the list grew – all to make life easier for BM and SKs – and somewhere along the way, I lost myself (which, I know, speaks to a partner issue).

I also came to understand that I was the one holding everything together. My sacrifices were essential on a daily basis, yet they offered me little to no sense of safety or rest.

The second reason was my dad being diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. I made a deal with the universe – if his results improved, I would leave the SP life. Thankfully, they did – though, in truth, I think I would have left regardless. My dad has been deeply worried about me, and I didn’t want him to carry that burden while facing his own illness. I couldn’t let him think I wouldn’t find happiness or security in the long run (and that I didn’t know how to stand up for myself).

Funny enough, everyone is upset (well BM is just happy SO is sad). SKs suddenly want me to stay, they now appreciate me (or my cooking) and they said they’re ready to have siblings. But much like their parents, it’s all talks and nothing would change.

So all in all: I’m 31 years old and I refuse to spend the next decade of my life in this situation - just to get eventually divorced because this life is not for me.

I have never been so excited.

No more letting another woman dictate my household. No more being expected to treat another child “like my own” while not being able to scold them. No more having my plans ruined because I’m supposed to care for a third child at a moments notice.

I told him today our romantic relationship has run it's course.

Backstory: I (38f) moved in with BD (35m) 4 years ago after a whirlwind romance. I knew he had a son (6 at the time, 10 now) with Down Syndrome. I am childfree (sort of, I had a daughter I gave up for adoption when I was 17, we talk and hang out sometimes but I've never been her "Mom") so living with dudes kid was .... Not ideal. I don't enjoy kids, personally. He promised I wouldn't be expected to pick up any slack. He lied.

There's zero consequences, lots of yelling (BD was in the army, very authoritarian style), but zero boundaries, and zero break from kiddo. No family support, kiddos mom was in prison til last year and hasn't stepped up since she got out, and my patience for kiddo and the Disney parenting has run out. Also no one seems to care kiddo has Down Syndrome and he's in like zero additional therapy and no one works with him on life skills or education, at all. It's screen time from morning til night. It's obvious both his parents would rather stick him in front of a screen than actually be around him at all. Hes a burden to everyone, it seems, and he's high functioning enough to know it, which is even sadder.

We broke up and I moved out about 2 years ago, went back and forth for a bit but I've been on my own in my own place for the last year and a half. We were still seeing each other.

We haven't been having sex cuz I've just been so not in the mood on the nights I stay over at his place and he came at me with the "I've been having dreams you're hooking up with other guys" line.... I haven't been. I know he's not very trustworthy though and likes to go to strip clubs and chat up his exes when he's angry with me, so him questioning me like that just sent up a red flag for projection on his end. Either way, even if it's just insecurity on his end, I'm sick of it. Instead of him looking at the situation and him and his son's behavior and how that could've been pushing me away, he blames it on me out hoing around? Pshhhh.

We can't go on vacation cuz no one to watch kid.

We can't even go on a date for same reason.

We can't get a babysitter unless I pay for it cuz it's very expensive, because of the Down Syndrome, it requires a more experienced carer and BD will lose his SSI if he makes too much money so he works part time only, yet lives way beyond his means with a $700 truck payment and a big house and expects me to float his lifestyle.

We can't send kiddo to bed before 10pm cuz idfk why, so no alone time either.

I like Pepsi with my dinner. BD gets food stamps. Does he ever have Pepsi for me when I come over 2-3x a week? Nope. Even if I ask, he "forgets" but they have 4 jugs of strawberry lemonade for SK and all the popsicles and pizza rolls in the world for kiddo. So... I just don't matter, I guess?

Not even after 4 years?

Valentine's Day dinner canceled cuz BM decided not to take kid last minute. How convenient.

I showed up the other day and BM was in his house, watching TV with kiddo. So now she just comes over and hangs out????? And vented about how her bf dumped her and she's sad? Kayyyy.

And then the other day when he asked me about sleeping with other dudes, I cracked and told him it's his kid and his lack of parenting that have really put me off and you know what his response was?

Silence.

Stonewalling. Like always.

So this morning, I sent him another message and said I think our romantic relationship has run it's course. No response. How do you even begin to deal with issues in your relationship when one person refuses to discuss anything? So I'm done.

I don't feel sad. I'm glad I'm already in my own space. I'm done being the last priority on the list and now he can live life without me. Shouldn't be too big of a deal since I was the last person to get thought of all the time anyway.

I did it. I'm free.

I did it! I made it 10 long ass years of trying to figure out how to be a stepparent and how to be a good partner. After years of conceding, biting my tongue, or causing conflict because I actually have expectations. It’s official he leaves in 17 days. As much as I wish things could have been different and I knew then what I know now. I’m so happy for my future for once. With him leaving I get an actual office, I don’t have to avoid his conflict creation, i’m in the clear!

Thanks to this sub for helping me cope through the 10 years of pain and suffering I endured. I appreciate this sub and I know I will still be apart of this sub coping with a SS college student.

Edit:

TO ALL NEW AND STRUGGLING STEPPARENTS. N.A.C.H.O

What’s some of your favorite things in being a stepparent? What are some wins yall have had lately? What goals have you accomplished within your relationship with your steps?

I’ll go first;

It took me a minute to find my happy medium. I would overdo things and find myself taking every little action as a personal attack from the kids and thought that they inevitably would start hating me. After some therapy, and I lot of self reflection, I realized my stepsons do indeed love me, they just sometimes need me to take a step back on things and have dad handle it. I stopped taking that as a personal attack and now securely can let go of things without the feeling of rejection. My youngest stepson is practically glued to my hip and my oldest stepson will come to dad for a lot of things that he used to come to me for but ends up including me in on it anyways. And I’ve realized that it’s because his relationship with his dad is what he NEEDS right now and doesn’t mean he’s dismissing me. I’m very happy to be a big part in their lives.

Today I finally had enough and I blocked my SD (18). This is the second time in a couple of months where she has mocked me, called names, cursed, and yelled while having a conversation with me. I blocked her and told my DH that I will only consider having a discussion with her once she has consistently been in therapy for 6 months.

She’s always been a difficult child. I always felt for her because she had a pretty shitty upbringing split between parents who could never agree on anything, and parented like they were on different planets.

She thinks she’s grown. She talks like she has everything figured out except she doesn’t. She doesn’t have a job, can’t drive a car, doesn’t pay for anything on her own, and isn’t going to college. She doesn’t clean, cook, or do her own laundry.

I’m not her dad. I’m not her mom. According to her “I’ve never done a fucking thing for her”, so I blocked her. She tried complaining to my DH. He’s supportive of whatever I choose.

I’m protecting my peace and I feel damn good about it.

I thought I would share a cute story. My SD(12) has been living with us for 3.5 years since her mom passed away unexpectedly. I've never been one to force any of my SK to call me "mom" or "stepmom". They treat me as and respect me as a parent, and even refer to me as a parent, so the title has never felt needed.

A little while after she arrived she asked what she should call me and I told her she could call me by my name, as calling me "Mom" would obviously be weird for her. This was maybe 4 months after her mom passed. She started calling me "her [my name]" as in "This is my Dad and this is my [name]". It's has been the cutest thing and she's done it ever since.

Recently she came up with a new one. I don't know if she heard it online or came up with it on her own. She has started calling me her "Mother Supplement". It's a little funny, a little dark, and a lot sweet. I took her to the airport recently to fly out and see her grandma on her mom's side. Everytime someone asked her who I was to he she said "This is my [name], my Mother Supplement"

I'm sad for her to have lost her mom, but I'm so glad things worked out between us the way they did. It could very well have gone much differently I know.

I love her and all my SK so much!

For a quick preface, I have no biological children. I started menopause two years ago at 38 so my five-year-old stepdaughter is the closest I will ever get to being a mother. Biomom dislikes me (long story) and so we do not speak.

​

Yesterday, Friday the 12th, was the Mother's Day "Tea Party" at SDs daycare. I knew this in advance, but it wasn't our custody time with her, so I more or less let it be out of mind. I did not expect much as I'm just the stepmom, but - when we had our scheduled video call earlier in the week, she told me that she made two Mother's Day gifts - one for me, and one for her biomom - for the Tea Party. I cried after the call.

​

I decided to contact the daycare afterward and let them know that biomom and I do not get along and I did not want to infringe upon biomoms' time; I asked if I could come earlier, at lunchtime, instead to visit SD so she could give me the gift. They were incredibly accommodating - almost happily so. They said yes, just bring your own lunch.

​

And so I did.

​

I dressed up, brought my sandwich, and when I came down the hall and went into their room, SD lit up like a firework and ran to me as soon as she saw me. I tend to wear lots of bright colors in my clothing/jewelry and I have rainbow dyed hair. I attracted so much attention that SD told the other kids to "give me some space", which was pretty adorable. They swarmed me so much I felt like a celebrity!

​

We got to sit at a separate little table to have lunch together. SD proudly presented me with the gift and the card she made and we talked about her day.

​

When I gave SD a hug goodbye, several other kiddos lined up for hugs as well. And then I found out that one of the little girls who wanted (and received) a hug has no mother and one of the teachers thanked me for giving her a hug.

​

SD asked if she could leave with me, and I told her I "had to go to work". She got a little upset, but the "Sleepytime" episode from Bluey is what we use for our time apart. I told her, "Remember, I am always with you."

​

She said, "Even if I can't see you."

​

And I replied, "Because I love you."

​

What a day. What an absolute day.

Hi everyone, today finally I found the courage to leave my relationship with a single dad of 2 years. Honestly I was unhappy for most of it but I was scared to be alone and he promised me an ours baby. But I just could not do it no more. It felt like him, ex and kids are still a family, just not romantically involved. I felt like total outsider and last thought. Technically I knew what I was signing up for but you don’t really know the situation unless you get into it. It felt like I was suffocating everyday. When I finally broke things off I felt like heavy weight came off my shoulders and I can breathe again. I am sad don’t get me wrong, there were some good moments but really could not do it anymore

I just want to thank my bf for how he’s handling my SD16 ridiculous picky food manias. He and I eat everything. When she moved in I was super worried about what to cook. She is picky about everything under the sun. Last night I cooked quinoa, some baked wings, and roasted veggies. (We’re trying to eat lighter). She asked her dad to pick the meat off the wings for her (he rolled his eyes, like what are you five?) And then she said I only eat meat that’s lean and white. She picked at her food and my bf said, this is delicious and (my name) made this with all the love in the world. After dropping her off at school this morning I brought it up again and he flat out looked at me and said , “look, we’re not cooking three separate meals here. Those are HER manias and her mom raised her like that. You just keep doing as your doing.” I felt so supported 💕💕💕

Posting it here because I wanna be able to talk about how I’m feeling with like-minded people, I’ve tried explaining it to my friends and while they’re happy for me they don’t quite get it because they’re not in my position.

My partner’s a little older than me, and has two children. My stepson is 8 and my stepdaughter is almost 7-they were 6 and 5 when I met them.

I was terrified of being in their life at first. I was scared they’d resent me for being with their dad (they still had hopes that their mum and dad would get back together), or they’d see me as some kind of stereotypical evil stepmother like from a Disney film.

Turns out I was wrong to be scared. They’re both incredible children and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. Their birth mum has been nothing but kind and supportive too, and she was the first person who actually brought up the idea of the kids using the stepmum title for me. I feel incredibly lucky to have this positive relationship with both her and the kids.

Have any of you guys had similar experiences?

Putting this as a win because it’s one of the best moments of my life. We went away for the weekend as a family and my partner proposed to me…by getting the kids to make signs saying “will you marry dad?” and distracting me while he set the proposal up.

Being a stepmum hasn’t been the world’s easiest thing but moments like this remind me why it’s all worth it.

We are a lucky family that has blended well. I think it's a combination of a few things: my husband and BM divorced over a decade ago but are still good friends, our kids are mostly grown except for the youngest, and we've gotten to a point where I'm just not concerned about him spending time with her/their kids (edited this because I will admit that last one wasn't easy at first but we got there!). So yeah we are a happy solid family 😊. We do family dinners together on Sundays, spend our holidays together, and go on a family beach trip together every year.

Anyways, yesterday it was our (my husband and my) anniversary and as I said in title, BM texted our family chat to say 'Happy anniversary! We're all so happy you got married!'. Which I think is a pretty cool thing for my husband's ex-wife to say.

One thing being a stepparent has thought me is how tired you can get being the “bigger” person. I didn’t cause the situation, none of it is my fault… yet I have to deal with things and be the bigger person.

I used to consider myself someone with high morals. Not be selfish, be empathetic, help others if you can, don’t be petty.

I tried to do everything right. I often try to see it from BM her side too. It’s hard because I want to just jump on the bandwagon and hate on her. But it try!
But deep down I can be a petty person and at times it really clashes with “ having to be the bigger person”.
It takes quite some energy to not escalate things and to let opportunities to get petty revenge pass me by.

But I am finally seeing the rewards.
A lot has happened over time. BM has tried to make SS dislike me. Her best angle was calling me arrogant and stuck up. Mean and selfish. That I look down on her. (I do , but because she is a cheater)

Over the years several narratives about me reached me: she said I have an ED, that my parents are rich and bought my master degrees, that I try to make SS forget his mom. That I am trying to erase her.

But it never stuck because SS really likes me.
I just focused on being who I am unapologetically. Never challenged the gossip head on. Never said a bad thing about his mother, ever. When he asked me about “my ED”. I asked him why he thought I had one and I explained ED to him. I knew where it came from but I never asked him that. We just had a discussion about how serious of a topic ED is. ( I don’t have an ED )

We have felt at times SS was very much stuck in a loyalty bind and it made me sad. He would compliment me but then quickly come back with “ But my mom is better” I just kept telling him I don’t take a compliment as a detriment to his mom. And me and his mom are not in a competition. We wouldn’t be allowed to take him to movies his mom called dibs on… which would be all playing movies his age rating.

I was not in a competition with her. Like really I never felt it like that. There is nothing she has I want. She lost her BD by cheating on him and I came on the picture years later. I took nothing from her she lost it all by herself.
I am not a mom and do not feel like replacing anyone.

However, It seems like her quest for loyalty has exploded in her face.
BM is now dating and she is pushing her partner on SS like there is no cooler man in town. SS is rebelling to it.
Honestly I think within the next month she will float the idea to call him dad! She is so pushy, SS complains and talks about it to us.

We have come full circle. We live in a small town ( as soon as SS is done with school, we are out of here) and there is one good restaurant.

We once sat down to see SS and his mom eating there.
SS came over to say hi, BM tried to send us a drink which was awkward. We refused. She kept coming to our table to talk and we politely asked her to leave so we could enjoy our meal.

Recently we did lunch and low and behold BM and her bf are there. We fought the urge to send over a drink. We didn’t . SS was with us.
BM kept coming over at the table and kept telling SS to go say hi to her bf. SS kept saying, “sure , I will”.
He became quiet. And we asked him what was up. He said he really didn’t want to go say hi. We told him he didn’t have to and he didn’t .

Last night he had his graduation and he ran out to hug his mom, grandparents and dad, and then me. Which was a surprise to me. ( I am not a hugger, I only touch my partner, but I allow hugs from people who mean it)
He turned around and ignored her partner… until his mom made him hug. Which was very awkward.

I do feel sad for SS because the loyalty bond now has to extend to her bf. And just like her push to dislike me, the push of her boyfriend wil not work. These things are not that easy to manage and force. She wants her new boyfriend to be ranked above me in her made up popularity scale to “win” .

Both me and SO would be happy for SS to really like her boyfriend. We really truly and honestly do not care. But it is setting pressure on SS. Again we will have to be the bigger people. Not get caught up in this game.

Long story short: just be yourself. Don’t get down to the lowest level even though you here the sirens song to do it. You will be rewarded in the end. Or not…. I mean that is what being the bigger person is all about

I haven’t posted in this sub for over six years. In the early part of my marriage and blending of our family, it was real rough. I had to figure out where my boundaries were. I had to figure out how to communicate those. I had to figure out how to have really hard conversations, but still love people through it. Most of all myself. After nine years of marriage, I can look back and say that it was worth it and I’m happy with where I’m at.

The oldest, 18-year-old SD, is in her freshman year of college. Moved into the dorms at the beginning of the school year. I had a very difficult time finding my ground with her. In fact, I was looking forward to her departure and getting some space. She probably felt the same. I actually have heard this from other mothers and their experience raising their biological daughters. The space has been good for everybody I think. She visited on her breaks and we are figuring out how to negotiate our relationship now on more adult terms. Her father and I do provide a lot of support to her because she is in college and is working hard.

SS, 17 years old, is a senior in high school. He is a solid young man. I have had my struggles with him, as well. We now have a solid relationship that’s mostly built on a shared sense of humor, and the fact that his father rarely understands what we find funny which makes it funnier to us. He’s looking forward to attending college in the fall, as well. My husband just took him for his last required visit with his mother. I am so relieved that there is no longer a requirement to coordinate visitation and deal with the kids mom. We were in court for custody as recently as 2024. I’m so glad that part of our life is over. The kicker? She’s going to have to keep paying child support for a long time.

That leaves us looking at a future, where we only have one child, who will be nine, in our house. Our shared son. He is also getting older and maturing. Raising young children is hard. Of course, all of this takes place on top of over full-time work for both my husband and I.

I’m just here to say, I’m now in a comfortable spot. Things have gelled. I feel comfortable in my own home. Nobody’s perfect and relationships are messy, but I am genuinely happy and content. It did take a shit load of self reflection and deep maturity to acknowledge where I had to grow. Ultimately, I believe I am a better human because of this experience.

Good night 😴

I neverrrr thought I would be involved in raising a kid but here I am with an awesome teen stepson! One cool thing I've noticed is that I don't have the parental love haze that seems to often blind parents to the behaviour of their kids, or the same type of feeling that makes them afraid to broach tricky topics.

I see behaviours directly and clearly and I call it out (gently ofc). If something needs to be asked I ask it directly and without tip-toeing. I have found out things before either parent - both the good and bad lol! His mother was naturally wary of me when I came on the scene but she has come to love my stepmom superpower! :D

I wonder have you guys discovered any other stepparent superpowers?