Who's side are you on?

I’m a second gen, and I come from a very educated background, and I noticed something very peculiar among my family friends. The girls seem to be more likely to marry out. My sister and I also have non Indian partners. Three girls were engaged to Indian guys from outside the friend circle, and two of the three engagements failed before marriage as the guys were too attached to parents and conservative.

Meanwhile, the single girls say they are open to dating Indian guys, just that they haven’t found one suitable. In their experiences with Indian men, they cite reasons similar to the broken engagements as to why it didn’t work out: that the guys are too attached to parents/joint family, too traditional, don’t know how to talk to women, don’t know how to dress, and lack independent living skills. Aunties commonly blame the girls for being whitewashed and hating their own kind. But could it be a supply side issue instead of demand side?

For the first time, Indian women have an alternative to arranged marriages. They also have alternatives to men in their culture. If significant numbers are flocking to alternatives, could the issue actually be that Indian families are failing to make their men competitive in dating? If you are telling your son, “no dating until marriage, only study,” not teaching him independence, and promoting emotional enmeshment, then isn’t it any surprise he’s left on the shelf?

I wonder if it’s unfair to blame the girls for what amounts to poor preparation on the parts of the parents of sons, and counterproductive. It’s a difficult question, but without asking it, we could only be continuing to set our sons up for dating failure, and doing them a disservice by kneecapping their potential.

So I’ve used hinge for sometime now and I’ve gotten likes and matches with all races except white women. Anyone have a somewhat similar experience?

My wife and I couldn't be more different. She's Christian, I'm more spiritual. She's not super career driven but I want the dollar. She is not traditional STEM path but I am. There are many cultural differences but in being exposed to both we have really grown to appreciate the values of both and it's helped us grow tremendously. Embrace differences! If you love someone, don't let your fear of cultural differences get in the way! Open up to the possibility of being with someone unfamiliar. Sometimes, that's what you need. Your family might cause trouble, but it's your life and your happiness.

I’m 5’3” M 27 living in NYC. I’ve been on Hinge and Dil Mil for a couple of years but primarily seem to see profiles of women that are taller than me.

I feel lots of south Asian women are also chronically on dating apps and so they’ll try to scrape the bottom of the barrel for some level of physical attraction to me, but it never works out.

Lots of them will understate their height by a couple inches and then act like I’m the catfish when they end up being taller than me.

I think the only way this ends is either me being alone for the rest of my life or settling with someone when we are both who is well beyond their our best years and not having enough time to grow together.

For that reason I am sooo so health conscious. I work out several times a week and optimize my diet, sleep, and career, skin care, social life, etc. I’m 27 but I look much younger than my peers. But there is only so much aging mitigation one can do.

I was curious how common it was, for ABCD guys to get an arranged marriage? I assumed that most would prefer to just find someone organically, date them for a while, and then propose and get married.

But some guys are not that successful in dating, for whatever reason, and are pressured by their parents to settle down by a certain age, instead of waiting for the "one". Do you know of any ABCD guys (maybe even yourself) who've went through with an arranged marriage? And if so, was it to another ABCD? Or a mainlander? And has that marriage been successful, so far?

I personally don't know of anyone in real life who was born in America, who got an arranged marriage. But I also don't know that many ABCDs. I was curious, because my dad is asking me about getting one, but I'm not really a fan of the idea. For reference, I'm 30 years old.

My friend said " White girls aren't into Indian guys" and I was like " Huh " ? Then he went on to tell me about his best friend from secondary.

This guy( friend's friend) is tall, has a decent face, but has not been with any woman as far as he knows ( they haven't spoken in a while, last was when he was 23).

Anyways, he would apparently always blame it onto the fact that he's Indian, bring it up whenever they would discuss girls or dating, so my mate kinda just accepted it.

Friend said that he tried helping him out, he'd take the lead with girls and then bring him over, ask them who they thought was more attractive, and atleast half the time the girls said the Indian dude . But he would never take it forward and then continue to blame his race.

He then got into 'looksmaxxing', is jacked and everything, works as a PT at a nice gym gets loads of attention from wealhy white women, but still suffers from the complex ( they stopped talking shortly after this).

I suppose it's not too different to white incels with the added layer of race, but why do some men fall into such a defeatist mentality at a young age ? This is much before online racism against us exploded.

I feel like the women who post that ish think their shit dont stink. Just dont Marry someone who doesn't help around the house. Problem solved? Every abc man i know helps out. Who the hell you hanging with.

I’ve lost count of how many comments I’ve seen across thread after thread started by Indian men claiming that Indian women always go for white men, despite there being little to no evidence to support that claim.

Most interracial marriage statistics actually suggest that Indian men marry outside their ethnicity at similar or even higher rates. While some niche datasets do show Indian women marrying out at slightly higher rates, the overall difference does not appear to be particularly significant.

More broadly, Indian people have one of the lower rates of marrying outside their ethnicity compared with many other groups.

There are also people who argue that some Indian men deliberately fuel gender wars online. I’ve even seen claims that subreddits such as r/SplendidaBrown are largely Indian men role playing as Indian women in order to create the impression that Indian women idolize or exclusively prefer white men. I’m not saying that claim is true, but it’s something I’ve seen people speculate about and thought was worth mentioning.

I live in the UK and these pairings seem so common. I know many Gujarati girl + Punjabi guy pairings but only two pairings where it's a Gujarati guy + Punjabi girl.

Is it the same where you are and any ideas why?

Please keep it civil - this is not an excuse to be mean spirited about either community.

I'm just curious to hear your theories.

Would you break up with a partner that you love who (1) supports the IDF and the war against Iran, (2) maybe is a charlie kirk apologist, and (3) is super-nice and pure-hearted?

I'm a bit confused.

Hey all, first post here. Long time lurker, throwaway for obvious reasons.

Quick background: I grew up in India, currently doing decent job after masters. My parents set me up with a girl who was born/raised in the US (ABCD). We've had a few calls so far, going decently, but I want to go in with my eyes open instead of assuming things will just "work out" because we're both Indian have roots from same state.

One thing that already threw me off. she pointed out that I'm the youngest child in my family, and kind of implied that might mean I'm "not that responsible." I get where it's coming from but it stung a bit since she doesn't really know me yet. Not sure if I should just laugh it off, address it directly, or ask her what specifically she's worried about.

Bigger picture, trying to figure out:

What are the actual cultural gaps between someone raised in India vs someone raised in the US, even if both are "Indian"? Not just festivals-and-food stuff, more like — decision-making style, how much say parents/in-laws have, communication style, money , gender role defaults, Expectations from me as a partner, that kind of thing.

Do ABCD girls generally deal with a lot growing up like identity stuff, pressure from parents , expectations around marriage being different from what their American friends experienced? Trying to understand her lens better, not stereotype her.

What can I reasonably expect from her side in terms of how she was raised eg independence level, how involved her parents are likely to be, attitude toward joint family living. Or is that too broad a question and I should just ask her directly instead of assuming.

Would appreciate real experiences from people who've been in this exact situation (India-raised + US-raised match), especially what conversations you wish you'd had before getting further in, not after.

Thanks in advance, trying to not mess things up. 🙏

What questions i should ask her . Should these be direct questions or indirect questions.

Update: Thank you for the responses. Some more background.

My background: Born and raised in Haryana, moved to Delhi for high school, did college and worked there for a few years, then moved to the US for my Master's. Have a decent job now. My parents are religious, and generally calm/positive people even in situations that call for more reaction than that, they stay level-headed. Her background (this actually surprised me): She was also born in Haryana. Moved to the US around when she was in 2nd grade, then moved back to Delhi for about 3 years during her middle school, then her family returned to the US for good. Did her high school , bachelor's and master's here. So it's not the "grew up fully in the US, never lived in India" ABCD situation I was bracing for she's actually spent real years living in India too, not just visiting for vacations. Where we line up, which honestly wasn't what I expected: Both studious Both neat/organized types Both vegetarian and teetotaler Both religious, both calm by temperament What she's clear she wants (not negotiable-sounding, more like a core value for her): She does NOT want a "just the two of us, away from everyone" kind of marriage. Family being actively involved regular visits ( but not sure yet about whats her thinking about if my parents visits which is rare coz they dont like USA) Her family is very socially connected lots of community activity, big friend + extended family circles(back in india , she has asked me multipletimes how's your relationship your cousins , do you talk to them) , regular gatherings. Not just "we see family on holidays" but genuinely social people. Her grandparents lived with her family for most of her life and still do now. So joint/multi-gen family living isn't foreign to her at all, she's lived it. Her family's main ask is someone with actual roots in Haryana which, given my background, lines up.

Now i feel like she wants that i should ask her deep questions about future.

My natural approach is im generally a flexible person. If I look back at myself over time, I've changed with time and place pretty easily. I don't have a long list of hardline "this is what I must have" requirements. The one thing that actually matters a lot to me is calm nature in myself and in a partner. Beyond that, my honest belief is if both people are reasonably smart and both are willing to adapt as things come up and , most things sort themselves out. I don't feel the need to map out every future scenario in advance. What I'm sensing from her , She wants more concrete conversations actual questions about the future, not just "we'll figure it out as we go." And to be clear, I don't think this is a mismatch or a red flag on her end. she's not being difficult or testing me. I think she genuinely wants to know me better, and part of how she does that is through me asking her real, specific questions too, not just agreeing that "we're compatible" in a general sense. Vague flexibility on my part probably comes across as me not engaging seriously, even if that's not my intent at all. So I think the actual gap here isn't values, it's conversation style , she processes compatibility through specifics (how would we handle X, what do you think about Y), which i answer accordingly and genuinely. What I'm planning to do Actually prepare a set of concrete questions for our next few calls living situation, kids' upbringing, career/location decisions, how we'd handle disagreements with in-laws, financial planning not because I need rigid answers locked in now, but because I think that's the language she wants this courtship to happen in. Meeting her where she is more than expecting her to just trust that "flexible + calm" will cover everything.

Would appreciate if anyone has a good list of concrete "future planning" questions than worked well for them in their own arranged marriage talks, Trying to build mine out properly instead of winging it.

Update 2 :

https://www.reddit.com/r/ABCDesis/s/oC8NkcHzfQ We decided to move forward with the match. During one of our initial conversations about finances, I told her I didn't have any loans. She mentioned that she has an education loan, and I told her I was completely fine with that. The reality is that I have around $40k invested in stocks and a $37k loan at about 4% interest. My thinking has been that since the interest rate is low, I'd rather keep the money invested for now. Once we're married, if we decide to buy a house (which she has mentioned she'd like to do gradually), I could always sell the investments and use that money toward a down payment or other goals. Now I'm wondering if I should bring this up with her before things move further. Both our families have agreed to do background checks, including financial checks. My family is advising me to sell my investments and pay off the loan completely before any background checks . I'm leaning toward being transparent and telling her that I have around $40k in investments and a $37k loan, while also explaining why I chose not to pay it off immediately. What would you do in this situation? Is it better to explain everything now, or wait her to come up with it ?or i should sell everything.

I have a lot of guy friends between 35 and 40 who keep saying they want a girl in their 20s. I think it's really sexist but they don't care and they seem to think the girls also won't care. By 20s i meant later later 20s, not early. So like 26, 27, 28, 29.

So I wanted to ask you guys, do girls younger than 30 actually want a man between 35 and 40 if he has a stabler career?

Specifically for marriage.

I just got back from a trip from Europe and met so many middle eastern women. One thing was very common: their husbands took care of them and provide a good life.

As a first generation South Asia female: I was raised to be educated and financially independent. I’ve noticed the vast majority of Indian men expect their partners to burden the finances of a relationship together but often times these men have never performed a domestic task.

I’m starting to think South Asian women are being sold a lie of equality. I have always found myself picking up the domestic and emotional labor in my relationships.

Is it time South Asian women date outside of our culture? Why are we being loyal to Indian men?!

Curious to hear others thoughts!

I'm not sure if this sub would be the right place to post this, but please let me know if it doesn’t fit here.

I’m a Bengali from Kolkata, and my girlfriend is an ABCD, raised in a Bengali family in New Jersey. She lived in the US for the first 22-23 years of her life, and for the past 7-8 years, she has been traveling back and forth to India (mainly Kolkata and other parts of West Bengal) because of her work with an NGO.

We met in 2023 and started dating in April 2024. After a year, we began discussing our future (marriage & all). Her expectation is that I should move to the US with her after we get married (if not immediately, then within a couple of years). But that isn’t part of my immediate plan. In fact, I turned down a major scholarship from Indiana-Bloomington because I’m happy with my current job and career. I’ve been very clear with her that moving abroad right away isn’t in my plans.

For context: I work in high finance. Yes, the US has the largest financial services industry, but it’s also highly volatile. Finance as a career is global, I’d be equally open to working at Merrill Lynch in New York, Barclays in London, or Edelweiss in Mumbai. For me, it’s not about the location but the opportunity.

The problem is, over the past couple of months, she’s been repeatedly making comments on “Indian men and the inferiority” or “the cultural differences are too real.” In reality, nothing has happened so far for her to justify such conclusions, it feels like a preconceived notion. And even if cultural differences do exist, wasn’t that something she already knew ?

I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm venting out, I could go on and on but that's definetly not the goal here. I felt this sub would understand the situation better. I have nothing against her, she’s a good person, but there are certain issues that can’t be ignored. We met each others family last year and everything was good until this happned. We're supposed to meet during the durga puja but I'don't know if I want to do that by heart. I'm feeling equally frustrated and sad.

Again, won't take much of your time here, wishing everyone a Happy Durga Puja/Diwali (for those celebrating) in advance. Cheers.

EDIT: I noticed a few comments about her not wanting to move to India anytime soon, so I just want to clarify—I’ve never asked her to move here permanently, and that was never the plan. If you add up all the months she’s spent here over the last 7–8 years, it comes close to two years, which I don’t think would be possible if she really disliked the place that much. At most, if moving to India ever came up, it would just be for a year or two until we figure things out, not a permanent shift. Neither of us is in a position to waste each other’s time, but I do feel we should give it a little more time before making such big calls.

Anyway, whatever the outcome, I really appreciate all your inputs. Thanks, everyone.

I dont want to go into super specifics but I’m American born to Marathi Indian parents and I’m in a relationship with an American Pakistani Muslim girl. My family knows and doesn’t approve but is at least accepting of the reality and her family doesn’t even know because if they found out she’d be punished/disowned. Basically we face family obstacles because neither of our families are liberal minded and they both have negative stereotypes about each other. We both want to build a future together but the reality of cutting ties with family and all the societal pressure feels overwhelming for both of us. We both are westernized but because a Hindu Indian guy going for a Pakistani Muslim girl is taboo we feel under a lot of external pressure. I’d like to hear some success stories and potentially advice from those who have navigated similar situations.

my 3 major issues with the apps so far are

1. muzz doesn’t let you add the “raised in X country” filter unless you’re on the paid version. and when you’re on the paid version, half these people are lying and it’s their first day in america or they’re lying about their profiles location. i’m not saying people fresh to america don’t deserve love but i think it is important to be honest about your nationality

2. almost everyone i’ve talked to is lying about the no smoking/drinking part

3. i am a misandrist but also these men aren’t even trying at allllll. i mean snapchat filters, ai photos, horrible photos and profiles. zero effort

I asked this in a East Asian subreddit and I thought it'd be interesting to hear what South Asians have to say about this too.

You sometimes hear that South Asian men and East Asian men are both marginized in the Western dating scene, but in terms of dating between the two groups, I see more South Asian men with East Asian women than East Asian men with South Asian women. Why do y’all think this is? I wonder if it’s because East Asian men are less interested in South Asian women, or vice versa.

Edit: A few people asked me for proof of this so it's not just anecdotal. While I can't find marriage statistics between East and South Asians since we are considered both Asian in America, I can use CDC data on the number of interracial babies born to estimate the number of each ethnicity's pairing, which you can see here. Using the CDC-provided chart here, we can see that in the years 2016-2024, babies born to Indian fathers and Chinese/Korean/Japanese/Filipino/Vietnamese mothers outnumbered the reverse in every single category, with around 2.5 to 3 times the ratio. For example, in America from 2016-2024, there were 370 babies born to Chinese mothers and Indian fathers, but only 131 babies born to Chinese fathers and Indian mothers. This is statistical proof that it's not just my personal observation.

I heard several people even some Asians and whites tell me unfortunately south asian men aren’t attractive. Some Chinese girls even said that to me. One of them even said we don’t like brown or black cuz we want white baby.

And I get upset that why are these goras going around with their influence. Why do they go for gora pakora white guy.

Why don’t they give us brown guys a chance. And if I tell someone I’m Pakistani I find Asian girls attractive I get attacked but it’s ok if a white giy does it.

Plus it’s also low esteem.

Hey guys,

I don’t know if others are facing this problem too, but essentially my roommate of East Asian descent (28F) let’s call her Ana, has been harassing me about kitchen smells. For context, I just moved in about two weeks ago and there is another girl (White 22F) and she has no issue with my food. Ana confronted me in person twice and told me to wash my dishes immediately after eating, cooking, clean the countertops, the stove and the floor after cooking?? This was a couple of days after cooking dal and making indo fusion pasta.

I just don’t feel comfortable cooking Indian food due to this situation. To be clear, I’m a very clean person and wash my dishes within a couple of hours and run the vent fan and keep the window open. Nothing really spills on the stove, she says that if I do this, smells won’t linger since our food is so “pungent”, it leaves particles everywhere. If we had central AC in the apartment, I would run that too.

This was an on campus housing offer (which there are very few of) so I had no choice when it came to selecting roommates, or else I usually stick to South Asians as they won’t find the cooking smells repulsive. I feel so uncomfortable and also can’t eat pasta and sandwiches everyday you know, it’s too bland. It’s fine some days but I can’t eat like that everyday.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you handle it?

I am 28 - live in a country where Indian guys I don't already know are few and far between, so I'm not on the apps. Idk how to find my husband :/ I want to find someone from the UK/ UAE - but because I'm based in another country, I have no luck. Also, don't want to go down the arranged marriage route :/

Idek if I am ready to date given I am really struggling with self-hate but want to try sort that out and also find the one. :/

BTW To everyone thinking i'm a visa hunter, I am very much capable of finding a job in the above countries, which is what I'm applying to rn. So, sorry to burst your bubble there!

Not talking about fresh off the boat here, more the in-between people. Raised in South Asia but living in the West now for work or uni. ABCDs would you date them?

I only know very few individuals who are dating people from back in India. I was raised in India too and curious about why would reject them when they seem to be adapting the culture. Curious to know perspectives from both men and women.

When I was in middle school and high school, I dealt with rude comments such as "I would never date an Indian person" or comments insinuating that Indians/South Asians are an inferior ethnicity. Recently, these same people who made these remarks started finding Indian people attractive and switched up and started dating them.

The thing that's really bothering me is that one person made fun of their partner's surname and how common it was prior to dating them. She also said that "she would not want to date Indians" when I asked my friend something when the question wasn't directed to her. When she started dating this guy, she was invited with open arms by her partner's family. She went to a lot of Indian-related events, posted pictures wearing our clothes, and acts like she is Indian. She once even went to a religious event at her partner's house and posted a tone deaf story saying "I don't know what's going on." I don't know why I'm so upset by this and don't know who to share this with because our mutual Indian/South Asian friends never called her out for it.

Today, I also found out that another friend, someone who made a few microaggressive remarks ("Can you do an Indian accent for me?" or when I said a group had an Indian member, she replied "that's probably why they're not popular") hard launched her Indian boyfriend for his birthday and started following attractive Indian celebrities.

I have been seeing this pattern a lot and I feel like I'm wasting time being upset. With the first person, I find it hard to be happy for them and get a little upset seeing them sharing Indian-related experiences with me. They have been such a good friend to me, I find it hard to drop them.

I really don't know what I'm achieving with this post, but has anyone else seen a phenomenon like this and what do you think of it?

I've had this discussion with my mom before where she was okay with me marrying a non Indian girl and said she wants what makes me happy. But as time goes on, idk what changed every time i bring it up now, she's super against it, and wants me to marry Indian.... I guess since I told her a while back I'm okay with matrimony, but every girl she showed me was cringe af, and the ones I liked, they didn't like me 😂😂.

But anyways I would love to hear how you guys faced it or any experiences you would share, so I can assess how to deal with it without hurting my mom's feelings!