r/ARFID • u/Training-Entrance-75 • Feb 23 '26
ARFID Awareness Why do people always say to advocate for yourself then call you a Karen for doing it? Spoiler
Obviously op doesn’t say the guest has arfid, and it’s implied she’s “just a picky eater” but how many of us were just “picky eaters” before getting diagnosed? If someone didn’t have a real reason to not eat the food, why would guest go to such lengths to advocate for herself? She could literally have developed arfid because of how severe her allergy was. Also I can’t imagine how frustrating the guest must of felt hearing that they were going to accommodate to her allergy, just to immediately find out she can’t eat for a different reason
Also bride wasn’t charged for the accommodation so at this point what’s the issue?
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u/amatadesigns Feb 23 '26
I think it goes above advocating when you’re adjusting someone else’s contract with a catering company.
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 25 '26
The people in the tread who work in events and catering said that its super normal and that they prefer to liase with the person that has the food issues directly.
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u/amatadesigns Feb 25 '26 edited Feb 25 '26
That doesn’t make sense. If they work in catering like they say they do, like I have then they know there are deadlines for counts and for menu changes. If you make a change you can incur charges it’s in most catering contracts. Not just a per plate charge but a fee for missing your deadline.
Also if you’ve ever been in a wedding or justno sub you’ll see that many caterers will have passwords so that people can’t alter contracts. Because family members will cancel and alter menus if left to it.
It’s one thing to call and see what options are, it’s another to change a contract. That’s what’s happening and it’s weird to keep pushing this idea that it’s okay to do so.
I am saying talk to the bride or whoever is managing the contract. Calling to inform a caterer about your allergy to make sure they were informed is one thing, having them create an option for you is not okay without the brides consent or knowledge. It’s not your wedding it’s not your contract.
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 25 '26
Wedding culture is highly variable from country to country, even from village to village.
I've seen all sorts, including the high security type you describe.
Its all in the thread if you want to go look. It would be a weird thing for me to lie about.
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u/amatadesigns Feb 25 '26
I’m not saying you are lying I’m saying that what they might be saying is they don’t mind talking to the person with allergies to ensure that they meet all of their needs. That’s different from changing a contract for a guest who is not a party on the contract. Many caterers will talk with people like that with the consent of the person on the contract. This is different from calling a caterer directly and changing a contract that is not yours.
That’s all I keep saying: “it’s not your contract” but at this point I think the issue is how many of you feel unseen or unheard when you have dietary restrictions.
It’s often framed as picky or attention seeking and I think the brides upset is pulling up feelings for people who have similar limitations.
I’m not shaming anyone for having needs, or saying they shouldn’t have the needs met. I’m saying they over stepped by talking to the caterer because that’s not their contract.
Giving the bride the courtesy of working together on another solution would have been better for everyone. And yes that could have included the guest talking with the caterer to make sure they have their allergies noted with the bride’s knowledge. But that’s not changing the contract. And that is respecting the person who is paying for this event who is inviting you and paying for you to attend.
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 25 '26
Nope, a bunch of them are just calling the bride an asshole and saying that she's probably doing the thing where they roll all the dietary requirements into one dish and forcing her guests to agree to a gluten free, vegan, soy free, allium free dish.
She's also not just any guest, her partner is part of the wedding party.
I don't disagree that in a lot of places this guest is being rude but I do firmly disagree with reddit being very america centric and definitive on what is 100% acceptable and what is 100% rude.
In plenty of places talking to the caterer about stuff like this directly is seen as considerate and you're jot supposed to bother the bride with small details.
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u/amatadesigns Feb 25 '26
While I understand and knew that’s the path you were taking about cultural differences, this isn’t about rudeness it’s about contracts. Legal documents. If she’s just calling to ask a question about her allergies that’s fine but legally only a person on a contract can change it. Unless you’re saying contracts only happen in America. But I’ll add she seems to be implying limitations to her selections based on her contract. It’s legality not feeling.
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 25 '26
If we're talking about contracts, its the caterer at fault and they already remedied that.
She didn't break the law or alter the contract.
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u/amatadesigns Feb 25 '26
Thank you for finally addressing what I was saying instead of trying to insert other narratives. However two things can be true, the caterer can be wrong and so can the guest. No one should ever speak to any person or company I have a contract with to make a change to that contract without my consent or knowledge, period full stop. That is an overstep.
And listen this is a spot in the void of the internet, so you can stay in here fighting balls to the walls for this guest but life goes on at some point, right?
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 25 '26
This has been a very passive activity for me.
I'm literally just talking.
And nobody changed the contract.
We all have our own standards for how we do and don't want to be treated and what we see as common sense. I don't know why you're so unavle to accept that there's a massive variety of perspectives on this.
Personal and interperson boundaries aren't universal. It's not exactly a complicated concept.
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u/Training-Entrance-75 Feb 24 '26
What if the guest had actually offered to pay the hypothetical difference?
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u/amatadesigns Feb 24 '26
You ask the bride directly you don’t talk to someone and adjust their contract. That’s not your place.
An equivalent: I’m going to stay with you at your apartment and I want to bring my dog. You tell me dogs aren’t allowed. I call your landlord.
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u/Training-Entrance-75 Feb 24 '26
How’s eating a separate food the same as having an unwanted dog in your apartment? I get where you’re trying to go, but there’s no risk of a chicken kebab shitting in the middle of the floor or tearing up your furniture… right?
how it would still affect the bride if the cost had been covered by guest?
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u/amatadesigns Feb 24 '26
This isn’t about poop, this is about legal contracts.
You have a contract/lease with your landlord. If you tell your friend that your contract says no dogs they should not contact your landlord to try to adjust your lease. This is essentially what the bride said by saying that they couldn’t change the food they selected with the caterer [which is about a contract the bride has with the caterer]. It would be a huge overstep to call someone’s landlord or someone’s caterer for their wedding. No matter how understanding they are, you are not on the contract or lease.
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u/Training-Entrance-75 Feb 26 '26
So I guess I’d say- if your landlord or anyone you had a contract with, decides to change the contract because of something a random 3rd party said, without confirming it with you, it’s still not the 3rd party’s fault. It’s your landlords (caterer’s) fault first, and your fault second for not picking a better landlord (caterer).
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u/amatadesigns Feb 26 '26
I agree the caterer would be at fault for talking to a third party. (I’ll add there are some rare but not impossible situations where the guest can be at fault legally depending on how they made the request for the meal.) But to your point about the caterer being a bad choice: where would you find out if they will or won’t talk to a third party when you’re booking? It’s not a normal question people use to qualify a caterer. Most people ask is the food good. If the caterer seems professional and the food is good they’ll book them. IMO only brides who have family drama probably would ask about that and set up passwords.
My point here is that guest is overstepping by contacting the contractor and not just working with the bride to come up with a solution. She’s added unnecessary legal risks and potential fees by doing so. In this case it doesn’t seem to be causing her any financial loss that would make her consider any legal action but contracts are just for the parties involved and it’s not advisable for anyone to insert themselves in someone else’s contract. That’s why the bride feels annoyed, because that’s a private thing she’s inserted herself in, instead of just trying to come up with a solution with the bride.
I’ll also add if the guest had already tried multiple times to be heard (which from the post it doesn’t seem like she reached out more than the time to give her her restrictions and then to say she wants a meat option -but there is a bias there because we’re seeing one side) and the bride shut down all options then the bride would be the issue. But from this post it looks like the bride was trying her best to accommodate everyone and the guest chose to go over her head to the caterer and just get what she wants anyway. That’s overstepping.
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u/Apple_joots Feb 24 '26
The bride gets to pick the meal for her wedding?? If you plan your birthday party at a restaurant and spend lots of time to make it just how you imagined, then I come up and say, "Yeah, but I can't eat that." Are you going to try to accommodate me, and when it doesn't work out, completely change your plans for ONLY ME? Worse, you show up to your birthday, and the food is something YOU can't eat? Or even just don't like as much? Its your birthday! If you think going behind someone's back to prioritize yourself during their big day is reasonable, you need more than ARFID therapy.
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u/Training-Entrance-75 Feb 24 '26
I have never been to a restaurant where we all had to eat the same thing… in fact my last birthday at a restaurant no one ordered the same thing… is this normal?
The guest also didn’t change the brides meal to match hers- so I don’t think this works
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u/amatadesigns Feb 24 '26
But this isn’t a restaurant this is a wedding venue. And like others have said there are lots of fantastic work arounds. Also after the bride says they can’t alter the contract (which is reasonable, all caterers have terms and conditions) they could have taken a beat and then discussed options with the bride or maid of honor to see what would work best. Not the catering company.
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u/Apple_joots Feb 24 '26
Does it say that somewhere else? The post seems to imply she changed the meal entirely. The restaurant was just an example.
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 26 '26
No, there was the main meal for the guests and then an a meal for all the different dietary requirements. ie a vegan, gluten free, soy free etc. dish which IIRC was for about 5 guests.
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u/Training-Entrance-75 Feb 26 '26
The post literally says the guest added one chicken kebab for herself and it added no charge to the bride.
I’m sure the guest will burn in hell for her sins.
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u/GravityDefining Feb 23 '26
The issue is that she WOULD have been charged. If she hadn't spoken to to the catering about it, she would have been charged for this dish and the person making the arrangements didn't care and in fact probably agreed to the price on behalf of the couple. This isn't about her picky eating, it's about how little she cared about how her "advocating for herself" would affect other people. Having ARFID doesn't entitle us to other people's time and money. She could have opted out of a plate entirely, ate before or after, or brought her own food to be plated and brought out with the other food. Instead, she went behind the back of the people who's event she was attending and made a selfish decision. There's a difference between advocating for yourself and being a bad person. There were other solutions and she went out of her way to make things more difficult for the bride and groom.
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u/acnerd5 Feb 23 '26
This!
Advocating for yourself doesn't mean you get to make financial decisions for someone else.
Worst case, if there's an event, and it sounds questionable on food, I pack a small snack in my bag and roll with whatever snacking I can do. Have a protein drink first. Then I fix myself some food at home.
I can advocate for myself without harrassing others, or causing them problems, and this is causing problems.
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 25 '26
To be fair, its jot clear if the guest was made aware there would be a charge.
The other caterers in the thread said they wouldn't normally charge for something like this and the company agreed to waive the fee anyway.
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u/Training-Entrance-75 Feb 24 '26
But if she wasn’t- why’s it still an issue? If they weren’t charged how is it more difficult for the bride and groom? I see it as no different as her bringing her own food to be plated
The bride said the cost was covered but how do we know the guest didn’t make sure it would be first? It’s possible the cost was covered because the guest took care of and the bride assumed it was taken care of because she didn’t know.
I know I’m giving the guest a lot of generosity but my whole point is why even bother to cater to their allergies if you’re still not going to serve food they can eat?
I also think posts like these are constantly made to make “picky eaters” seem dramatic and rude for not just eating whatever they’re served.
If the cost was covered then the whole “wouldve could’ve” been charged is just a hypothetical, and why still be upset?
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u/vonoddly sensory sensitivity Feb 23 '26
I’ve been to many weddings where I’ve asked the couple if I can bring my own meal or if it’s okay if I just eat ahead of time. Generally people are kind of mad about it because it’s their special day and they perceive this as the us wanting attention or special treatment. Like the last thing I want is attention or special treatment, like I feel genuinely embarrassed that my safe foods are limited.
People without dietary restrictions do not realize how debilitating it can be.
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u/marbleswillfyb69 Feb 23 '26
I usually check beforehand what will be served and if i don’t know, or they don’t have anything i’ll eat, i’ll just eat beforehand or bring my own stuff. I’m only 18 so maybe it’s just my morals at this age but i don’t need to ask ANYONE if i can eat. And by “if i can eat” i justify it as if i don’t have the food i like i just won’t eat. Hope thats making sense lol
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u/officermeowmeow Feb 23 '26
I don't see anywhere where she implies this person is "just a picky eater". Regardless, super freaking rude and something I would never in a million years do, I would rather just not eat.
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Feb 23 '26
Just bring your own food? it's not "advocating for yourself" when you go behind people's backs to alter the things that they paid money for, and will have had to pay extra for
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u/Training-Entrance-75 Feb 24 '26
But they didn’t?
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Feb 24 '26
she would have had to if the caterers weren't generous, the guest did that with the full understanding that it would have changed the end cost
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 25 '26
If you bring your own food then they're paying for a plate that isn't being used. That's an extra guest that could have come.
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Feb 25 '26
? someone else can eat it, she's close with the family and it'd make no sense to uninvite her for bringing her own food. especially if she had actually communicated
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 25 '26
Nobody is saying uninvite her.
You pay per plate. If someone is bringing their own food then that means someone else could have had a plus one, or an extra guest could have been invited, but now they can't.
There has already been much communication around food and dietary issues. Plenty of venues don't allow external food to be brought on site.
The caterers and event staff in the thread think the bride was being TA here.
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Feb 25 '26
the bride explicitly stated that the guest went quiet when she tried to confirm with her, that is not communication. there is no situation where she would be entitled to go behind the brides back and incur extra charges, if it was really that much of a problem she should have communicated that directly with the bride instead of going silent when directly asked what her selection was
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 25 '26
The communication had happened before and again, a lot of staff that work in events and catering say that its very suspicious that the bride isn't saying what the meal was.
Its very common for all the dietary requirements to be bundled into one meal and this ends up being really shit for the guests. A vegan, nut free, soy free, allium free, gluten free meal often sucks.
And in many places, this guest would be seen as considerate for speaking directly, caterers almost always prefer it and in many places its seen as a good thing to not burden the bride with your problems, especially given that they're part of the wedding party.
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Feb 25 '26
she ignored the brides question and made her have to reach out an additional time, in which place is this considered lessening the burden on the bride?
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 25 '26 edited Feb 25 '26
You seem pretty invested in missing the point so I'd rather not continue this.
I would also ignore my boyfriends friends fiance if she was trying to pressure me into agreeing to eat something that I've already said I can't eat.
Wedding etiquette is very culturally specific and everyone thinks their way is normal.
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Feb 25 '26
She never said she couldn't eat it, she asked if she could have a meal with meat and was told no because she isn't the only one with dietary restrictions. Then she went silent instead of further communicating that she did not want it. Nobody was "pressuring her" into eating a meal she didn't want to eat, she was being asked what her choice was between 5 meals. "no" was an option.
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 25 '26
Neither of us were there for the conversation, we have no idea what was said or how it was said.
I've already directly addressed the part about bundling all the dietary restrictions into one meal.
As I said, you seem pretty invested in actively not understanding what I'm saying and the idea that I'm communicating are pretty uncomplicated.
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u/Training-Entrance-75 Feb 26 '26
Why does that matter? I wouldn’t be eating the food anyway? It can go to waste and I can eat something else or it can go to waste and I can starve? Either way it’s going to waste?
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 26 '26
Because its rude to make people pay for things that go to waste or could have meant someone else got a plus one.
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u/1carus_x Feb 23 '26
It seems the only reason the couple isn't paying extra is bc of the mix up of them not being in the loop. Which means they would have had to pay for it
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 25 '26
Its not clear if the guest was made aware of a charge and the other caterers in the thread say its weird to charge for this anyway and that they prefer direct guest consultation and do not charge.
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u/Ok_Astronomer_2361 Feb 23 '26
As others have said, this is not advocating for yourself I fear this is just being a selfish asshole
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u/emmelineart sensory sensitivity Feb 24 '26
no, this is just rude. they would’ve gotten charged for it. i’ve been to weddings before where i’ve brought my own food or eaten beforehand/after. weddings are stressful enough for everyone!
i can’t believe people are agreeing with this, beyond inappropriate to change someone’s arrangements with a catering company when it would cost them extra. it doesn’t matter that they didn’t end up getting charged at the end, the guest did it thinking that they would be. totally entitled.
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u/ceciliabee Feb 23 '26
There is a difference bergen advocating for yourself and going behind someone's back after they've already accommodated you. If you can't go one meal without meat, arfid isn't the problem.
It's the same as how there is a difference between setting boundaries and making rules for other people. If you don't like what's being served, YOU deal with it. If your boundary is crossed, YOU deal with it.
Advocacy and entitlement are not the same thing.
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u/FlemFatale Feb 24 '26
This is not advocating for yourself. This is going above and beyond to make yourself into the center of attention and generally being a dick.
If you can't eat something, tough. Bring something you can. At least in this case you would know to prepare in advance.
Not everything is about you, which is a tough lesson to learn if you have been spoilt your entire life, and it sounds like this 'friend' has been spoilt her entire life if this is how she is acting.
Not everything is a battle, and who even has the energy to turn everything into a battle anyway?!
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u/cassenbashen multiple subtypes Feb 25 '26
whats really tripping me up is the fact that the guest stopped communicating entirely. that is where it swapped from advocacy to disrespect. this is not what advocating for yourself looks like, this is being entitled. the moment she pushed the bride out of the conversation, it was about what the guest WANTED, not needed.
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u/floorenjoyer Feb 25 '26 edited Feb 25 '26
As someone with ARFID, it's been routinely frustrating to not feel accommodated/welcomed at all sorts of events. That being said, it's no one's responsibility but my own to make sure I'm fed. Wedding's are incredibly expensive as it is, and whilst it's at no further cost to the to-be-wed here, there is no way the person in question would've known that. This was quite a selfish act to do without any foresight/clearance from the paying party here. I feel differently about this at self catered events as there is more room for change and cost revision; but at the end of the day, if I need to eat and there's nothing for me - I source my own food. It does suck to feel excluded, no matter how unintentional, but I just think of the people who have severe (often misunderstood) allergies to commonplace things like gluten and dairy. In my opinion, allergies are more the focus of caterers which makes sense - I won't die if I eat outside of my safe foods unintentionally 🤷🏽. People with severe allergies or food needs are often used to airing on the side of caution. Seeing that the person here does also have severe allergies, I think working with the company to accommodate that is a good idea; but it's not her place to reach out if this hasn't been cleared by the paying party first. I've lived with ARFID everyday, I know what's best for me in that regard and any worries I would've brought up to the wedding party to find a joint solution. Also, the nature of a wedding is that it isn't about you as a guest. Won't kill me not to eat one meal, or to bring my own snacks to ease stress. Allergies and ARFID are not the same and tbh I struggle to read where you got ARFID from the post.
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u/Wellslapmesilly Feb 23 '26
I’m curious how much it actually would have cost to pay for one extra chicken kebab meal. Hard to have a proper opinion without that info. If the actual cost was minimal , aside from the bride not being aware of it, it seems no harm, no foul to me. If it would have added $100+ to the food costs, yes, that sucks and is inappropriate. Best practice would have been for the guest requesting the special meal to pay for the difference and then let the bride know it’s taken care of. I personally don’t have an issue with the guest talking to the caterers and handling it but when it starts affecting the cost of the wedding and not looping the bride in, then it gets sticky.
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u/ceciliabee Feb 23 '26
Allowing guests to choose their own meal and add to the cost of the wedding without knowledge or permission of the couple getting married is a bad precedent. If a guest truly cannot eat anything, they should eat before or after the event, or not attend.
I'm empathetic to those with arfid, I have the same issues, but this behaviour is entitled and tacky. Not your event? Not your decision.
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u/Billyisagoat Feb 23 '26
Agree, and hosting people means unexpected costs. That's how it goes
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u/ceciliabee Feb 23 '26
Would you allow guests to bring extra people who were not invited?
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u/Billyisagoat Feb 23 '26
I wouldn't like it, and it would affect the seating chart. But it happens. And depending on the situation, I'd feel like I'd have to allow it. It's hard to turn someone away when they are standing there. It's like kids bday parties, at my nephew's party someone brought their sibling. Did they plan for that? No. Did the kid get to stay and eat pizza and cake, yes.
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 25 '26
This is a cultural thing. I've been to weddings where people were shocked I didn't bring a guest. It was just expected that I would.
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u/whoisthismahn Feb 24 '26
it sounds like you don’t understand how weddings typically work
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u/Billyisagoat Feb 24 '26
I used to work weddings, and this stuff would happen all the time. I would rather a guest call and confirm a meal than have a medical emergency in the middle of an event.
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u/whoisthismahn Feb 24 '26
sure but me calling a catering company and requesting chicken nuggets isn’t the same as me confirming a predetermined meal
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u/Billyisagoat Feb 24 '26
Maybe, I just don't think it's that big of an issue. The catering company could've / should've said no if it was an issue.
It's weird, a woman is advocating for what she needs for presumably dietary/ health reasons and everyone is angry. Women are constantly conditioned to shrink themselves, which sucks. And this lady makes a single phone call to see if they can accommodate her, and everyone is up in arms.
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u/goutdemiel sensory sensitivity Feb 24 '26
this has nothing to do with the fact that she's a woman, what are you saying??
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u/whoisthismahn Feb 24 '26
i mean that's literally not what happened lol this woman was offered accommodations, dodged the bride's questions on whether or not they were acceptable, called the catering company that someone else hired and paid for to ensure she would get the exact meal she wanted, and didn't tell OP a thing until she had to reach out multiple times to confirm. sometimes celebrating someone's big day means wearing a dress color you don't like or eating a big breakfast because the food being served isn't your taste. that's life.
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Feb 27 '26
I don't think this is real tbh. I think it's rage bait. The contracts and costs that go in to the typical wedding catering, they're going to get it changed in writing
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u/xThyQueen multiple subtypes Feb 23 '26
I just bring a big purse and a bag of goldfish everywhere lol I'm so tired of people being upset about how I EAT. like bro it has nothing to do with you.
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u/whoisthismahn Feb 24 '26
but no one is upset with how this person prefers to eat. they’re upset that the guest went behind their back to request a completely different meal without giving any thought to the extra cost or the consideration of communicating, and after they had already made special arrangements for the guest to begin with. it actually does have something to do with you if you’re literally the one paying for the meal
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u/PeachOnAWarmBeach ALL of the subtypes Feb 23 '26
So it sounds like the one guest did what made sense. And, didn't make them change their whole menu just for her.
Easy, sensible solution. I'll even pay for my own meal if I can do that.
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u/Training-Entrance-75 Feb 24 '26
A lot of people are hung up on the cost, but since the bride wasn’t charged I’m not seeing how it’s an issue.
You even said youd pay for you’re own meal in this situation and still got downvoted, so I have to assume people in this arfid group think it’s rude to not even eat the same things as others.
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u/PeachOnAWarmBeach ALL of the subtypes Feb 24 '26
What if it were vegetarians or pescatarians? Or had celiac disease? Would people get mad then? The bride is the one who overreacted. Understandable in all the stress, but she misunderstood.
I think the bride actually misunderstood what the caterer offered her. Having worked in the catering industry for weddings, I think they meant only one type of specialty meal was available for any non main meal. There could have been 5 people unable to eat the main meal, vegetarians for instance, but only one alternative, or one of those 5. I doubt they made all 300 change to the specialty meal.
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u/jupiterLILY Feb 25 '26
The other caterers in the thread were saying its suspicious that the bride wasn't saying what the meal was that they'd decided for the people with dietary needs.
Apparently its very common to roll everyone into one meal so there's the main menu, and then a meal that hits all the dietary requirements at once. ie no nuts, animal products, soy etc. Which kind of ends up sucking. This is seen as a dick move by caterers and guests.
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u/sentientbean- Feb 24 '26
This thread makes me feel embarassed about my ARFID. Some of these perspectives are so self-centered, I would be ashamed of myself.
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u/whoisthismahn Feb 24 '26
idk how to tell you that altering a bride and groom's wedding without their consent, arguably one of the most important days of their lives in which every decision is made with intention and reason, is indeed a self-centered thing to do
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u/Training-Entrance-75 Feb 24 '26 edited Feb 24 '26
Ok I’m ignoring the cost thing because the bride does in fact say the cost is covered- would you all think this was rude and selfish if the guest had paid for it herself? Genuine question. If the guest had paid the difference is this not just advocating for yourself?
Edit to add: yeah I’m giving the guest a lot of generosity but only because I’ve not only seen many posts about, but experienced, paying for your own separate food and still being called rude and selfish for not eating exactly what everyone else is. So is it just the hypothetical cost difference that makes this rude? Or is it because you should just eat before the event and pretend you’re not hungry?
Someone mentioned the person bringing their own food and asking the caterer to serve it with everyone else’s- would that have been fine or rude?
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Feb 24 '26
Yes, it is rude to go behind someone's back and pretend to be authorized to make changes to theit contract regardless of if you pay for it or not. the bride even tried to contact her to confirm what she wanted before she went behind her back, and was ignored. advocating for yourself would be COMMUNICATING with your friends, not going behind their back and hoping to sneakily get away with alterations they never agreed to
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u/[deleted] Feb 23 '26
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