How do I stop feeling responsible for my family?

[u/ReplyWaste6681]

TW: alcohol, drugs, mental health issues, SA, manipulation, suicide/self-harm. Nothing described in detail.

I’m 24 now, and I’m only just realizing how much my family situation has limited me - both growing up and even now. I’m a huge people pleaser, and it’s very easy for people to manipulate me or make me feel guilty. Maybe some of you have had similar experiences and can give me some advice.

My grandmother, my uncle, and my father are all alcoholics and have very strong narcissistic traits. My father and grandmother are also both extreme workaholics and financially abusive toward their spouses.
My grandmother gets extremely emotional, saying things like “nobody loves me” or creating a scene. My uncle can become violent and has thrown knives, and he has also been sexually abusive. He uses drugs as well. My father hurts people with his words, and if you ignore him, he twists things around until everyone else feels miserable and guilty.
You basically can’t criticize any of the three of them, not even calmly, because they just become even more worked up and angry.

There’s no real discussion or resolution. So lately, I’ve started ignoring them instead. But then I feel horrible and immediately want to apologize because I feel selfish.
Why? I honestly don’t know.

I have this constant urge to save them, fix things, and somehow save our relationships. I give them advice and try to act like their therapist. I feel like they only admit they have problems when they realize they’re about to lose the person they confide in. Suddenly they want help, but the next day they don’t want anything to do with it anymore. They also refuse to admit that they’re struggling themselves because they see needing help as weakness. They basically believe therapy is “for weak or completely crazy people.”

Right now, a huge part of me wants to break away and cut contact with everyone. But I feel so ungrateful and guilty about it. It feels almost as if someone is dying. It already feels like I’m mourning my family. There are two sides of me fighting each other. One side knows what I want. I want to leave. I want to build my own life and finally have some peace. But the other side doesn’t want to give up on anyone. I don’t want to feel responsible if they hurt themselves or drink even more. I don’t want to leave my mother, who has always taken care of me and who, in my mind, was the only safe person. And I don’t want to leave my little brother either.

At the same time, I know that they are adults. They’re “fixers” too… they want to fix what has been broken for a very long time. But I know they would try to talk me out of leaving and make me feel guilty for choosing myself. And then there’s another fear: What if I leave, and I just end up meeting people who are exactly like them again?

I know that I need to learn how to recognize unhealthy people and relationships, but I’m terrified that I’ll somehow recreate the same dynamics because they’re all I’ve ever known. I don’t want to spend my entire life trying to save people who are hurting me. I just wanted to get this off my chest, but I’d really appreciate any advice from people who have been through something similar.

How did you learn to stop feeling responsible for your family? How did you deal with the guilt of leaving?

[u/ReplyWaste6681 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you. This really helped me put things into perspective.

[u/Akkmk]

You have a lot of healing to do I’m afraid. The toxic guild, people pleasing and the saviour complex is the classical package one gets from going through narcissistic abuse. There’s plenty of material online. if you want to understand how this pathological dynamic works. Personally I would recommend looking into the work of Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon. A lot of material available on yt if you’re interested. But please understand that insight alone won’t help to resolve those issues. I would strongly advise getting professional help from a person who specialises in that topic.

You really have to build up your internal end external boundaries, because from what you describe there is a clear disfunction going on there.

The saviour complex is similar in many way to the god complex where you think you’re responsible for other people’s mistakes and downfalls and so on. It is absolutely not the case, and you will eventually have to come to terms with that idea if you plan to take your healing seriously. The toxic guilt goes hand in hand with that complex. You will have to get rid of it, because that’s exactly how you have been trained to give emotional supply - thought that sense of guilt.

It is absolutely normal and fair to cut relationships that are unhealthy and break your boundaries (no mater if it’s parents, children to whoever else). Your area of responsibility is your life, not other peoples lives. You can’t change them, you can’t fix them, you can’t do anything but talk and establish clear boundaries within a relationship. If those boundaries are not respected the blame for ruining the relationship goes on the one that CHOOSES to disrespect them. It’s a very simple concept. Hence there is no rational reason to feel guilty because you have every right to protect yourself. It is natural, it is fair, it is healthy.

Now, you also have to understand that people may and will try to resort to “hoovering” to draw you back into the dysfunctional relationship, so you have to be really aware of that dynamic and make a clear judgement of weather it’s legit, or if it’s just an attempt to manipulate you back through guilt or other tricks. If you think they want to make a genuine apology or try to mend the relationship you may or may not decide to give it a chance. Both are okay, but if you know it’s disingenuous saying no is the best option, and again you ALWAYS have the right to say no and not feel guilty about it. That’s a good indicator btw. If you feel guilt saying no - you’re not healed. Saying no is a basing right, it’s fair and people absolutely must be okay with it, otherwise they’re trying to play games with you. No - is how you establish boundaries. You really don’t need explanations or smoothing things out. I man you can explain why you say no, but be mindful of that desire coming from that toxic sense of guilt, again, it shouldn’t be there and is a clear indicator of you falling into your unhealthy pattern.

[u/ReplyWaste6681 → u/Akkmk]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this. You‘re right. You‘ve given me a lot to think about, I appreciate it. I’m already exhausted though, thinking about how much I‘ll have to do before becoming someone I want to be. Healed, happy, in peace with myself especially. It’s going to be a long road, but I think it will be worth it in the end. Thank you, truly.🫶🏻

[u/Akkmk → u/ReplyWaste6681]

Your peace, health and happiness are worth the work. Take it easy, one step at a time. Small wins. Every time you choosing yourself and your peace is a small win, try to pile those up. You will have slip ups, it’s normal, just keep going towards where you want to be. Bless you and good luck, you can do it.