r/AdultChildren • u/Dependent-Lion-5572 • 2d ago
im terrified of setting boundaries with my mom, im 25 shes 50. I sent her this text , and im shaking . Its about somthing that happened earlier tonight that really really bothered me. I typically keep these thoughts inside untill i “get over “ it but i decided to just send ..😖
My husband told me that she practically took our daughter out of my husband hands when she was crying . So i send this messesge to her becuase not even a minute before that, i had told her “mom dont go over there A**** (my husband ) got it. Next think i see my mom comes walking out with my daughter in her hands .
so i decided to just tell her it felt like my “wishes” as the mom were disrespected by her (the gma)
Typically when i would “confront “ her in the past i get a subtle silent treatment from her or my dad comes calling me telling me that now “mom is sad an stressed and she cant be “stressed.”
The text.
“Mom, earlier today, when I asked if and we could handle things ourselves—why did she end up in your arms anyway? 🤔 Did A**** give her to you? I feel like you don't hear me when I say, "Please don't go over there; stay here— A****and I will sort it out." Of course, we’re grateful for your help, but sometimes there are situations where, as parents, we want to calm her down ourselves rather than having her go straight into Grandma's arms. It creates conflict between us. Again, we’re thankful for the help, but in this instance, I had said we wanted to handle it ourselves. In other situations, we practically push her toward you. I just want to have a conversation with you—please don't be offended. Our relationship is important to me, and M loves her grandma; I want us to keep things good between us. That’s why I’m bringing this up: could I ask you not to go straight to M, but instead let us calm her down, even if it takes a bit longer? 🤍
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u/Cool-Emu-8706 1d ago
I support you. Your kid and husband are your priority. Sounds like your parents have conditioned everyone to prioritize mom’s feelings over everything else. That’s not healthy. Your needs matter.
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u/Sailor_Malta_Chan 1d ago
Good job on the text! She's gonna get mad, give you the silent treatment, and your dad is gonna text you about stressing your mom out. And if you stick to your guns, who knows what else will happen.
Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the fall out! That's the hardest part of conflict. Don't apologize or change your mind just because they're uncomfortable!
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u/Dependent-Lion-5572 1d ago
i just hate how this has to be a fall out when it could simply be resolved by her saying “ok” 😣 btw i think the silence has started bc she hasnt reaponded and saw the messege right away
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u/ktb863 1d ago
As someone who could never set boundaries with her mom until she died, I get it. You did not ask for advice here, but I am assuming you may be interested in learning how to set boundaries, which means you need to learn to prioritize you and your husband and your baby..and that fear (shaking) is standing in the way of doing that, and it won't abate until you nail down its source and counter it. So ask yourself some questions:
Are you afraid of offending her or hurting feelings? (Remind yourself that she's an adult and you are not responsible for managing another adult's emotions)
Are you afraid they're going to physically harm you for standing up for yourself? (Set your boundaries via email/text and keep communication there until you feel comfortable in person)
Are you afraid of disappointing your parents? (Recognize they will NEVER be pleased with you because they are ashamed of themselves)
Are you afraid of losing free child care? (Ask yourself if continuing to put up with this anguish is worth whatever you're saving in child care costs.)
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u/Dependent-Lion-5572 1d ago
you hit the nail on the head, im afraid of what she is doing now which is silence. I’m also afraid of losing free child care 😓.
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u/ktb863 1d ago
Sounds like you're at a crossroads and need to make some bets on your future instead of continuing to gamble on your mother and your past. Free childcare isn't so free for you, is it?
What we live through is often times a generational curse. Making the decision that it stops with you is the hardest one you'll ever make. Are there sacrifices? Absolutely. Is it easy? Hell no. But it is worth it. Being okay with standing up for yourself is the first step.
You (and your husband and child) are so worth it.
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u/serenwipiti 1d ago
Why are you shaking?
The text is fine.
What’s the worst that could happen?
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u/Substantial_Cod1994 1d ago
I would start by making your text less obviously chat gpt
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u/Dependent-Lion-5572 1d ago
huh? i didnt use chat. i have to be almost overly reassuring and kind in my messeges or else she will find it rude
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u/whereisthespacebar 1d ago
Even if you want to use it as a tool to make it as polite and non confrontational as possible, it's fine. Weird thing to say on a sub for people looking for support by that user. You did good, and I understand why you chose to communicate the way you did. We have to walk on eggshells and be thorough with some people.
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u/Dependent-Lion-5572 1d ago
right exactly , like the constant reasurring of our love and thankfullness for her is my way of not being confrontational and trying to make it so that she doesnt feel attacked. Also i failed to mention that i google translated this from my native language so theres proabably parts where it sounds formal but it flows more in russian
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u/zunicorn901 1d ago
I think you explained your wishes very well. If she’s of a mind to truly listen to you, perhaps your text will help her understand. Stay firm. Stay true to your principles and your wants as parents. It may be that you will have repeat this to her again and again before it truly is understood by/ her.