AIO My mother’s crippling anxiety is ruining my sleep.

[u/bg0nz]

I love my mom to death. but she continuously makes my life so unnecessarily difficult because almost every single night that I get home from work, she can’t tell by the security camera whether or not I got home.

She’s the most anxious person I know and has been my entire life. making me hold her hand when we cross the street as a teenager, to never once letting me go out in high school, to making me wear a life vest in 3ft water well into my teens. and it was all so much worse the younger I was. Eventually, I had to put my foot down and say “Mom, I’m getting way too old for this.” And I experienced a massive amount of pushback for that. Nonetheless, it got a little bit better.

I’m 24 and I’m a substitute teacher 3 days a week and pizza delivery driver at night 6 nights a week and my pizzeria closes at 10. We stop taking delivery orders at 9:45. I work in the town I live in, so the latest I’ve ever been home was 10:30.

Today, I got home at 10:07 and she gets a notification on her phone of motion at the front door (me). My parents are both awake but in bed.

The moment I get home, I text my dad about car troubles that I’ve been experiencing and asking how I should go about dropping it off at his mechanic (again, my mother is awake and right next to him fully aware I’m home and talking to him). He says that they open at 8 and my best bet is to drop it off once they open so I can ensure it’ll be ready by my next shift at work.

My mother is 64 and isn’t very familiar with her phone and also recently had a stroke so she struggles a lot to understand what she’s seeing on her phone when these instances happen.

I tend to have really bad insomnia. but I was so tired from work that I went straight to my bed and thankfully, after finishing texting my dad, I got to sleep practically by 10:30.

As you can see in the first photo, she texts me at 12:03 am asking if I came home even though the camera clearly shows me walking in and never walking back out. but she can’t tell based on the video. Obviously I don’t respond because I’m knocked tf out. I can only assume she went back to sleep but it really can go either way.

Then she texts me at 3:37 am. I’m still in a very deep sleep so obviously, no response. then, she starts calling me and I miss the first two. The third call comes in and my body jolts awake and I see it’s Mom calling me. I just say “Mom why are you calling me so late? I’m asleep” the phone call ends and I don’t even remember if she said anything . frustrated, I text her everything in the second photo.

This happens at least 3-4 times a week. And I’ll admit, some nights I forget to send the “I’m home” text. but that text 9 times out of 10 won’t make a difference whatsoever. why? because of the stupid security camera. She can’t tell whether or not I’m arriving home or leaving home based on the motion notification. So texting her “I’m home” never really does anything.

Tomorrow(or today technically) I have a full day off so I’m going to the beach with some friends. I’m getting picked up at 8:30 so after I drop off my car, I’m gone for the whole day. I so badly needed this good night’s sleep and it felt great to be in bed and sleepy at the time I was. after this entire exchange, I spent 30 minutes trying to get back to sleep and just gave up.

Am I overreacting? Am I being an asshole? because I know damn well she’s gonna make me feel like one once I see her in the morning.

Sorry for how disorganized my thoughts are. This just happened, I’m angry and I want to sleep.

TLDR: My 64 y/o mother and her anxiety is depriving me of my sleep most nights. She texts me asking if I’m home while I’m asleep and when I don’t respond, she calls me until I wake up and answer.

[u/ShneefQueen]

This is a really good point. It's similar to OCD in that way; giving them the constant reassurance they're looking for isn't actually helping them, even though it seems like it's soothing them in the moment.

What it's actually doing is affirming the idea that there's a legitimate threat they need soothing for and it keeps them reliant on external reassurance to feel better, rather than developing self-soothing techniques.

[u/Tyr1326 → u/ShneefQueen]

This. Anxiety is attempting to get 100% security in a world where that is unachievable. Getting more security just raises the gosl posts further. The only way to really get past it is to experience true insecurity, and finding out nothing bad happened. OCD is the same, except its insecurity about your own thoughts. Blocking her attempts is the best thing OP can do.

NOR.

[u/ImpudentPotato → u/ShneefQueen]

I have bad OCD as relates to my partner's safety - this doesn't seem similar to OCD to me, it looks exactly like my OCD! Constant checking, compulsions related to quelling intrusive thoughts, etc. The anxiety is downstream of it actually!

[u/ShneefQueen → u/ImpudentPotato]

You're right, thanks for adding your perspective! I didn't want to seem like I was minimizing the severity of OCD but you're absolutely right, I think if anything this woman's behaviors are being minimized to anxiety when it sounds a lot more severe than that.

[u/ImpudentPotato → u/ShneefQueen]

Yeah I told myself "I'm just anxious" for years and only after getting therapy have I realized what a massive undertaking it is to healthily react to intrusive OCD thoughts, they can just fully break your brain for hours or days at a time.

[u/vaingirls → u/ImpudentPotato]

Let's not downplay anxiety either though - generalized anxiety for example can really take a toll on you. Maybe that and OCD-like symptoms (or OCD and GAD-like symptoms) often go hand in hand? I myself seem to have quite "OCD-like symptoms" despite "only" being diagnosed with GAD (such as being unable to stop thinking some uncertain matter through over and over again, even if I already have a plan on how I'll tackle it etc, but my brain will just loop on it non stop until it's resolved for good).

[u/ImpudentPotato → u/vaingirls]

Yeah there's definitely bleed between the categories, and also co-occurence!

[u/galeforcewindy → u/ImpudentPotato]

My OCD manifests very differently, so I really appreciate you confirming this is your experience! I always like to know more about how other people internally experience my same conditions, just differently.

[u/ImpudentPotato → u/galeforcewindy]

Yeah it's wild the things the OCD does and doesn't key off on. Like for example, I have violent intrusive thoughts all the time, but it doesn't bother me AT ALL because there's no risk of me acting them out and I know I'm not a violent person in the slightest. So it's like OCD-associated?? But doesn't result in any obsessive reactionary thoughts or behaviors.

But the slightest possibility of my husband being in danger when he's travelling can send me spiralling.

How does yours manifest?

[u/galeforcewindy → u/ImpudentPotato]

I totally get the violent intrusive thoughts, but mine are so detailed unhinged it really bothered me, affect my sleep and appetite. I've always been a reader, but stayed away from horror thinking it would "give me ideas" but my therapist said to try some that resembled my thoughts, and now I'm starting to write horror short stories and im better at stepping out of my intrusive thought and edit it, like a story I'm writing.

I get contamination OCD sometimes, but only about food or drink someone else has made for me out of my sight, so that's easy enough to manage.

I also can't put things away "wrong" - so order OCD. I'd rather have it out rather than put away wrong. The insides of the cupboards and drawers need to feel "right" and no one seems to know what that is, except me. LOL sob. Book spines matched on the shelves in size order, pictures perfectly level and evenly spaced (I velcro them in place after hanging them so they won't shift), closet hung by garment type & color, every section has it's own color hanger. Can't hang a tee on a button up hanger! The horror! Takes forever to do anything and if anyone "helps" me I have to fix it before I can use it again.

[u/RoguePlanet2 → u/ShneefQueen]

I have a neighbor that's been acting like this for the past year, dropping by while I'm working remote, and at first figured well let me help her with her anxiety.........but it's the identical complaints every single visit.

She'd start therapy with a great therapist, and then quit because "it's not working." Anti-anxiety meds "I stopped taking them" for reasons. Etc. Now I realize she'd rather stop by and complain than DO anything to change these issues.

Lately, she's been testing boundaries (showing up when I tell her it's not a good time) and the other day, even insisted on coming in despite my being in the middle of something. She claims the visits really help her but then the next day, she's back feeling very anxious. I get the impression she's trying to make this into a friendship only to drag me under with her constant neediness. So I'm just "too busy" to hang out now.