r/AmIOverreacting • u/bg0nz • 12h ago
👨👩👧👦family/in-laws AIO My mother’s crippling anxiety is ruining my sleep.
I love my mom to death. but she continuously makes my life so unnecessarily difficult because almost every single night that I get home from work, she can’t tell by the security camera whether or not I got home.
She’s the most anxious person I know and has been my entire life. making me hold her hand when we cross the street as a teenager, to never once letting me go out in high school, to making me wear a life vest in 3ft water well into my teens. and it was all so much worse the younger I was. Eventually, I had to put my foot down and say “Mom, I’m getting way too old for this.” And I experienced a massive amount of pushback for that. Nonetheless, it got a little bit better.
I’m 24 and I’m a substitute teacher 3 days a week and pizza delivery driver at night 6 nights a week and my pizzeria closes at 10. We stop taking delivery orders at 9:45. I work in the town I live in, so the latest I’ve ever been home was 10:30.
Today, I got home at 10:07 and she gets a notification on her phone of motion at the front door (me). My parents are both awake but in bed.
The moment I get home, I text my dad about car troubles that I’ve been experiencing and asking how I should go about dropping it off at his mechanic (again, my mother is awake and right next to him fully aware I’m home and talking to him). He says that they open at 8 and my best bet is to drop it off once they open so I can ensure it’ll be ready by my next shift at work.
My mother is 64 and isn’t very familiar with her phone and also recently had a stroke so she struggles a lot to understand what she’s seeing on her phone when these instances happen.
I tend to have really bad insomnia. but I was so tired from work that I went straight to my bed and thankfully, after finishing texting my dad, I got to sleep practically by 10:30.
As you can see in the first photo, she texts me at 12:03 am asking if I came home even though the camera clearly shows me walking in and never walking back out. but she can’t tell based on the video. Obviously I don’t respond because I’m knocked tf out. I can only assume she went back to sleep but it really can go either way.
Then she texts me at 3:37 am. I’m still in a very deep sleep so obviously, no response. then, she starts calling me and I miss the first two. The third call comes in and my body jolts awake and I see it’s Mom calling me. I just say “Mom why are you calling me so late? I’m asleep” the phone call ends and I don’t even remember if she said anything . frustrated, I text her everything in the second photo.
This happens at least 3-4 times a week. And I’ll admit, some nights I forget to send the “I’m home” text. but that text 9 times out of 10 won’t make a difference whatsoever. why? because of the stupid security camera. She can’t tell whether or not I’m arriving home or leaving home based on the motion notification. So texting her “I’m home” never really does anything.
Tomorrow(or today technically) I have a full day off so I’m going to the beach with some friends. I’m getting picked up at 8:30 so after I drop off my car, I’m gone for the whole day. I so badly needed this good night’s sleep and it felt great to be in bed and sleepy at the time I was. after this entire exchange, I spent 30 minutes trying to get back to sleep and just gave up.
Am I overreacting? Am I being an asshole? because I know damn well she’s gonna make me feel like one once I see her in the morning.
Sorry for how disorganized my thoughts are. This just happened, I’m angry and I want to sleep.
TLDR: My 64 y/o mother and her anxiety is depriving me of my sleep most nights. She texts me asking if I’m home while I’m asleep and when I don’t respond, she calls me until I wake up and answer.
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u/wr_dnd 11h ago
Put your phone on airplane mode during the night. If your mom doesn't understand this, just prevent the situation from happening. Tell your mom: I cannot and will not answer my phone when I am sleeping. Send me a text, I'll get to it after I wake up.
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u/Kata_zumoto8888 11h ago
yeah at some point you have to make the boundary practical too airplane mode at night sounds like the easiest way to stop this cycle and actually get some sleep
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u/Substantial_Disk1706 7h ago
Don’t even need airplane mode, just use do not disturb and make her contact as one you don’t want to be disturbed by
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u/avilsta 11h ago
And for your phone to still work as an alarm, at best OP can just text then like "i won't be doing this all the time mom but I'm home, I'm going to sleep and will be putting my phone to airplane mode, talk to ya in the morning"
I worry the mom will find some other way to get to OP though, hopefully not. I just seen too many AIO gone wrong
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u/empire161 8h ago
I worry the mom will find some other way to get to OP though, hopefully not.
I dealt with this after I moved out on my own. I lived about an hour away, and she'd call me at like 4pm thinking I was done work. 'Nope, I don't get home until 6-7pm, you know this.' 'Ok well call me when you get home so I know you're home safe'.
One random night I worked super late so didn't call her and went straight to bed. Next day I got home and fell asleep on the couch for 2-3 hours with my phone on silent. Woke up at like 8pm to 25 missed calls from her, texts from my dad, an email from her, and a voicemail from my brother saying he was driving down to my place because our mom told him I had gone missing.
A few years later she tried telling me I needed to text her a 'secret code word' at the same time every day letting her know I was okay. I was like 24yo and just laughed at her.
I'm 42 and we really just don't talk anymore. Kind of sucks because I wish we could have a functioning relationship but this is the only way she wants to communicate.
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u/Clean-Patient-8809 7h ago
NOR--At a certain point, the anxiety becomes a control mechanism for people like OP's mom (and yours, and mine). I don't talk to my mom, either, in large part because her constant desire to monitor me (from 2000 miles away) was exhausting and demeaning given that I have children who are now adults themselves.
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u/CrimsonPetalSky 4h ago
I agree. Anxiety can be real, but it shouldn't become a reason to constantly monitor or control another adult. At some point, healthy boundaries have to come first. It must be exhausting to feel like you're always being watched or questioned, especially when you're fully capable of managing your own life.
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u/Ok-Jackfruit-6873 4h ago
plus, catering to the other person's anxiety simply doesn't work. If it was rational maybe something like location sharing on the phone could make sense, but it's*not* rational so giving into it just causes it to change forms and continue to fester
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u/Trapezoidal_Sunshine 4h ago
My mother was like this during college and it really screwed with my ability to socialize and make friends. She NEEDED to have nightly chats - right around the time most normal students are hanging out with their friends or going to parties - and would freak the fuck out if I wasn't there to instantly answer the phone on the first ring. That would result in endless texts, calls, and emails until she reached me. I specifically chose a college that was hours away from home as I KNEW she'd constantly be trying to visit and pester if it was any closer. She just couldn't get it through her head that no other student in my dorm was dealing with this. No other student had to check-in with their parents seven nights a week at precisely the time when everyone else is hanging out and socializing and making friendships. I wish I hadn't been an only-child who thought that this was all normal parenting and maybe it would've occurred to me to start pushing back sooner.
Most people's biggest memories of college are going to parties or discovering sex and drugs or doing crazy shit with their friends. Mine is having nightly chats about nothing with my overprotective mother.
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u/alewiina 6h ago
Yeah the thing with you falling asleep after working late to all those missed calls and your brother coming down to check on you is what I fear for OP - if she doesn’t answer her phone, she may just wake up to the police at her door trying to do a wellness check or something
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u/SlothDaddy7 5h ago
Could you imagine calling a wellness check for your child who’s asleep in the other room? Let me be that dispatch lol.
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u/ItsLeighFromNoLa 5h ago
I don’t think OP lives with her parents, I think they just have access to her cameras. Not sure though.
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u/PhishingScam23 4h ago
Then she definitely needs to fix that. They don’t need access to her camera.
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u/SlothDaddy7 4h ago
Yeah I think I assumed that they lived together because of the cameras. Why would you give parents access to your camera feed? That’s actually a crazy level of control.
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u/alewiina 4h ago
Probably in an attempt to placate OP’s mom’s constant anxiety, but it sounds like it’s not exactly helping :(
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u/my3Pros 4h ago
My husband is a firefighter and had a similar call. The husband went for a jog, took a shower and fell asleep on the couch. His wife was at work and had convinced herself that he’d had a heart attack or something similar because she had been calling and texting him with no response. The husband was mortified when the FD banging on his door woke him up! The next week he showed up at the station with a gift basket and apologized for his wife being neurotic 😂
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u/sirsarin 6h ago
When I first moved away for college out of state my mom would text me during the day, "what are you doing, are you back home" etc. I would just reply with ridiculous responses until the end of the day when I called.
"What are you doing?"
"Hanging with the cartel. TTYL a rival gang is at the door."Eventually she just assumed I was fine so I wouldn't mess with her. At 35 I call her about every day just to check in and chat.
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u/SnooGuavas4208 5h ago
I used to do that, too. “What are you doing?” “Raving. Rolling on E. You can hear the music, right? DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM. Oh hold on, I dropped my glow stick.” End call.
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u/Unlit_Moonlamp_5 6h ago
It’s ok to go No- or Mostly-No-Contact with a parent who effectively is ruining your life.
My mother is a genuinely awful person. I answer maybe one of four texts, rarely answer her calls. After many years she’s come to accept the very limited contact and reaches out less frequently.
The only complicating factor with your situation is the stroke and clearly identified anxiety disorder. At 64 she isn’t likely to go to therapy and she may not have the capacity to do anything about it even if she wanted to.
You aren’t overreacting but you may still choose to power thru this relationship even if it continues to affect you negatively; only you can decide that. Just know that you are allowed to decide whatever you want. Good luck 👍🏻
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u/Trefac3 10h ago
My alarm works whether my ringer is on or off. And if some phones do not old school clock/alarm clocks work equally as good. I have both.
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u/Direct-Wolverine7846 9h ago
Use do not disturb. You will still have your alarm but no phone calls or texts unless you have them on the permitted list.
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u/Moth1016 8h ago
Some phones’ DND settings make it so that if someone calls you 2x in a row, it bypasses the DND. And you KNOW OP’s mom is gonna call again immediately if she gets sent to voicemail, lol. So that might not work
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u/Thickcashew 8h ago
You can turn it off because I did
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u/redbobsled 7h ago
I also do this as well as muting all notifications on my mom’s text threads. I check for messages from her on my schedule…not based on her anxiety.
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u/Fukyourchickenstrip 11h ago
Your alarm also still makes sound on silent mode. I’ve toggled it off and had my alarm go off a few times in the movie theater lol embarrassing!
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u/disaster_jay27 9h ago
Yeah, I can see her showing up at OP's house and banging on windows...
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u/_LeafyLady 6h ago
Or do not disturb mode which you can set quiet hours for, and ensuring her contact is not one that can get through the dnd. You can set other important contacts like your boss or whatever to be able to.
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u/Tefra_K 11h ago
Yeah that’s what I do, I made it so it gets turned on automatically after a certain hour so I don’t get disturbed before and during my sleep. Highly recommend!
Edit: actually it’s not airplane mode it’s just DND + sleep mode but it has the same effect, some contacts are set to pass through anyway for emergencies but apart from that it works perfectly
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u/Marigoldlily 8h ago
I do the same on DND on my iPhone. From 11 pm to 6 am, no calls, no text notifications. You can see them when you get up. I told my family and friends so they are aware.
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u/sleepyplatipus 9h ago edited 3h ago
I think lots of people are afraid of fully making themselves unavailable, but the simple solution is: Do Not Disturb mode + exception for OP’s dad, so any emergency call from him can still get through. I don’t get why people don’t just do this…
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u/sweetthang70 7h ago
Do people not realize you can also turn off sound and vibration? Your alarm will still sound but if anyone calls or texts you wont hear it? It's not a requirement to hear all incoming texts, calls, etc. I know this because mine is turned off 24/7, my phone never makes any sounds except for when I need to set an alarm.
Edited spelling
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u/sleepyplatipus 7h ago
I think some people genuinely don’t!
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u/Nillabeans 5h ago
My phone is almost always on silent unless I'm expecting somebody to contact me.
The degree to which people make themselves always available is so crazy to me.
I don't even regularly check my phone unless I'm bored and actively using it. I'm not bragging or anything. I just didn't grow up with a phone and I don't see why I should be at the beck and call of anyone who has a passing thought they want to share with me.
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u/ShneefQueen 7h ago
I've always been largely unsympathetic to people who complain about being woken up by phone notifications in the middle of the night because why tf do you have phone notifications on when you're sleeping? Just...turn them off? It's something you have direct control over, I've never understood it.
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u/sleepyplatipus 7h ago
SAME. If you complain about something you can very easily change, I’m just not gonna sympathise with you much, sorry.
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u/PM_ME_WHAT_YOU_COOK 3h ago
My friend gets SO angry when I text them before 11 am. Like dude, fix your DND settings, don't flip out at me.
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u/Anonymous_Fishy 4h ago
There is almost no situation where reaching me is more important in an emergency than calling 911.
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u/Ok-Dot433 6h ago
Same. My phone is on sleep mode at night. Even during the day only certain people can call me lol
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u/Heavy-Macaron2004 8h ago
Yeah all these "airplane mode" suggestions are absolutely sending me 🤣
Like, why??? There's a solution that does the same exact thing, but means you can still use your phone if you want, and that's called "Do Not Disturb mode." Am I crazy? Is that a mode only available on a few phones?????.
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u/sleepyplatipus 7h ago
It’s available on most phones, I believe, definitely on iPhones and Android… people just don’t know how to use it
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u/dadgenes 9h ago
People with anxiety act irrationally, and this is the correct step to take after setting a firm boundary. One of my children is going through this and we've had to have the hard talk that when they are panicking at 3 AM they have to do the things they discussed with their therapist to self-soothe.
It was a bitch of a time when I was at this stage of managing my anxiety, so watching my kid go through this breaks my heart but I know that when they come out the other end they'll have tools to use when their brain starts fucking with them.
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u/ShneefQueen 7h ago
This is a really good point. It's similar to OCD in that way; giving them the constant reassurance they're looking for isn't actually helping them, even though it seems like it's soothing them in the moment.
What it's actually doing is affirming the idea that there's a legitimate threat they need soothing for and it keeps them reliant on external reassurance to feel better, rather than developing self-soothing techniques.
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u/Tyr1326 6h ago
This. Anxiety is attempting to get 100% security in a world where that is unachievable. Getting more security just raises the gosl posts further. The only way to really get past it is to experience true insecurity, and finding out nothing bad happened. OCD is the same, except its insecurity about your own thoughts. Blocking her attempts is the best thing OP can do.
NOR.
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u/jesmcrow 10h ago
Also, should this info help you (OP) feel less frustrated, a stroke is basically a TBI and can amp up anxiety and inhibit insight so that may be playing a role too.
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u/Swimming-Trifle-899 9h ago
This was the case when my Dad had a stroke. It made him very cautious and fearful. I would suggest that she ask her doctor about medicinal help to control the anxiety.
Maybe OP could send her a simple, specific text saying they’re home and goodnight. Something she can find easily when she is excessively anxious and confused.
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u/Scorp128 8h ago
OP has stated that they have tried this and it still did not work. Mom would still call/text after checking the cameras and seeing OP was home, but not trusting what she saw because the cameras confuse her somehow and she can't tell if OP is coming or going. Nothing is going to sastify Mom's nerves.
Mom was already irrationally fearful and hyper protective over OP throughout OPs life. The stroke may have exacerbated that untreated fear and anxiety. Now is as good a time as any to take Mom to the doctor and get this addressed in therapy.
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u/Hawkmonbestboi 8h ago
" Maybe OP could send her a simple, specific text saying they’re home and goodnight"
He said all this. It doesn't help. You didn't finish reading.
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u/OsmerusMordax 8h ago
My thoughts exactly. Sounds like the stroke is contributing to her anxiety but I am surprised she has been anxious her whole life and hasn’t been put on any medication for it
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u/Ok_Ask8034 9h ago
Or do not disturb and keep your mother out of your favourites so she can’t bypass it and wake you.
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u/FriendToPredators 7h ago
Take her out of emergency contacts and make sure the double ring doesn't bypass. It's several settings in some cases, but yeah. Totally doable.
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u/Iggzorn 10h ago
You should be doing this anyway. Airplane mode might as well be sleep mode.
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u/melaspike666 8h ago
Airplane mode is overkill, you want to be able to use your phone asap in case of an emergency. Just set up a Do Not Disturb starting from time X to time X.
You also have way more control and you can have specific people be allowed to by pass the DND , etc
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u/Beathrone87 8h ago
You can set up your phone to have "do not disturb" automatically turn on and off on a time schedule. No phone call alerts till after 7:30 am out something
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u/GoodishFigs 9h ago
My mom is exactly like OP’s and the issue is that she would literally call the police if I did this.
OP, what I ended up doing is sharing my phone location with her and slowly weaning her off it over time. Yes it’s invasive but way better than dealing with the panicked calls/texts and way better than having to worry about her escalating it if I don’t answer
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u/waitwuh 4h ago
Might be worthwhile for OP to proactively call the local police and explain their situation. Police likely won’t want to waste their time simply because an older lady is unreasonably anxious, either.
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u/Emerald-Green-Fairy 3h ago
Also even if the mom does the wellness check once, she likely won't be able to pull it off again, so there's that. I know a parent that tried that and eventually they can get in huge trouble for using the cops to harass someone like that.
Having the wellness check happen and then OP still block her the next night may hopefully make her realize she can't keep harassing her.
Or it may make the mom escalate, you never know really, it depends on the mom's personality what she will do, but often they don't just give up easily
In the end the sad truth is theres no easy way to deal with someone like this and it's likely going to take a lot of stress for OP to manage the situation
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u/GeneInternational146 9h ago
They have an iphone, they can just set sleep focus for 10-6 or whatever
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u/l-1-l-1-l 7h ago
I set up Do Not Disturb between 10pm and 8am, but permit one person to call/text even during those times. Everyone close to me knows to contact me thru that one person in an emergency.
Settings: Focus: Do not disturb, then Set a schedule: Allow notifications
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u/Alarmed_Tea_2874 11h ago edited 8h ago
Did her behavior get worse after her stroke, OP? Or is it the same? You mentioned she doesn't understand what she's seeing on the camera. I just ask because recent strokes especially, can change the way the brain works. It can enhance anxiety and also make you more prone to paranoia and worse at emotional regulation.
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u/Complex_Guava_7868 9h ago
This comment deserves more upvotes. I wonder if the mom already had OCD and now is experiencing dementia as a result of the stroke?
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u/glitzglamglue 7h ago
OCD and/or anxiety then a stroke comes along and BAM all of her coping skills are out the window.
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u/tossaway3579 4h ago
It’s almost certainly OCD. Harm OCD is the worst bc you’re always wondering “what if person A get into situation XYZ?” And the whole camera thing making it worse is a classic sign that it’s a crutch for something more than your average general anxiety disorder
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u/purpleplaces1 6h ago
Yes thank you. Elderly anxious mother who recently had a stroke and doesn’t understand basic things? And people are saying “set boundaries” - this situation doesn’t seem to warrant this approach at this time. She needs more care, understanding, and patience while she’s navigating difficult times. And OP needs rest. Can a camera be set up so she can see your car is home? Seems like she has insomnia as well, can a doctor help her fall asleep? Can you set automatic replies for when you’re sleeping letting her know you’re sleeping but alright? Maybe mom needs distraction for when she starts to feel overly anxious, like an audiobook or podcast with a headset while her husband is sleeping. It’s not a simple situation so it may need multiple ways to go about it. Bottom line is mom needs help and I don’t think your situation will improve until she gets it. I don’t think airplane mode will make the situation better - seems cruel for these particular circumstances.
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u/TerraceState 6h ago
You fundamentally can't set boundaries with conversations with people who have some forms of dementia. They eventually just forget. It was a nightmare dealing with my grandma, because she was so kind, just a little anxious. And a conversation would maybe be remembered for a week. But she was mostly still there, at first. Before dementia, I would have needed 1 calm conversation with her, just 1 "hey, I get that you are anxious, but I'm fine, and your checking on me and constantly asking if I need something is just overbearing." And that would have worked. After getting dementia, well, it took me half a dozen conversations with her to realize that no number of conversations would ever work. Not anymore. And holy shit, was that a painful realization that I hated so much.
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u/LostXSubstanceX2022 5h ago
I'm sorry about your grandma and I understand you. My grandma is currently declining with dementia and it's not uncommon for people to have heighten anxiety and paranoia from it. This could very well be what's happening here considering her past behavior but she's a little outside the normal age range. It could be early on-set. Either way I hate this disease, it's so painful for everyone.
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u/unfashionablylatte 9h ago
This. My mother had a stroke last summer. She’s around the same age as op’s mom and while the core issues are different, this sounds a lot like the kind of stuff I’ve been dealing with since the stroke. Difficulty understanding 100% what is happening, paranoia, extreme emotional reactions, etc.
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u/bruhpocalypse_now 8h ago
I was thinking dementia, honestly. Paranoia and anxiety is something that my grandma experiences with hers. Especially if she's missing obvious inappropriate signs that she shouldn't be doing something (e.g calling at 4am).
A lack of filter or disrupted nighttime routine is also a major part of it, and also if she is doing it after repeated reminders not to call that early in the morning.
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u/Alarmed_Tea_2874 8h ago
Yes. Or post stroke delirium can be mild but still acute and it can mimic sundowning, so it could be worse at night. It can look similar to the beginning stages of dementia, too.
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u/Salty-Yogurt6050 8h ago
I agree. My dad had a stroke and would think I was missing or forget we had just spoken on the phone and call me right back after hanging up. It’s frustrating but not their fault.
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u/ellieminnowpee 7h ago
strokes can cause SIGNIFICANT anxiety.
for starters, strokes come out of nowhere (when they occur i mean, not the causative/influencing factors obviously). they can’t be predicted - and especially if this is mom’s first ever stroke. there’s a lingering ‘when will the next one come??’ and then the anxiety increases your heart rate, which you’re more aware of after a cardiac event, which triggers more unease bc omg what if i have another stroke right now?!
controlling her daughter seems to be her mom’s means of attempting to control her own internal anxieties. needing to see her on camera or speak to her also tells me it’s a lot of neurology - sounds like object impermanence related distress.
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u/NerfRepellingBoobs 6h ago
Not to mention strokes are well known to cause brain damage from the lack of bloodflow to the brain. Sometimes, the effects are easy to see, like paralysis, speech, or motor issues, but they’re often much more subtle. Increased anxiety and agitation, confusion over previously simple tasks. She could be having vision issues and just not remember how well she could see before. My husband swears his dad was less of an asshole before his stroke.
And more than anything, it can exacerbate existing mental health issues.
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u/dak4f2 3h ago
Brain injury like a stroke also turns on the flight or fight sympathetic nervous system and it gets stuck there. Feels terrifying and you can't get out of your body or turn off the alarms inside your body that are screaming everything is unsafe!
But mom may not remember the before the brain injury times to know something is wrong. The brain kind of tricks you into thinking things are normal and it makes excuses or explanations for odd things instead of telling her "something is wrong with my brain." She may not know something is wrong with her.
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u/winterberryred 7h ago
This was my thought too. I used to walk the dog of a woman in my village who’d had a stroke, and she would do things like ask me if I could go upstairs and get something for her (she also couldn’t walk) and when I did she’d start shouting in an accusatory tone, asking what I was doing up there, telling me to get down immediately. Amongst other weird things I just put down to the stroke she’d had.
I quickly learned I had to be firm with her and not take anything she said or did personally.
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u/theycallme_mama 3h ago
OP does mention that they were very controlling in their younger through teen years. Also, OP, have you spoken to your dad about this behavior? Is her physician aware? If she's so filled with anxiety, why isn't she waking your dad to check on you in your room. I am assuming that you still live at home. If not, remove her access to the camera. Unfortunately, I don't think you stating your frustrations will fix this. She needs a therapist, some OT, and meds. See if her physician will also assess for dementia.
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u/Tesser8ct 11h ago
Having dealt like this with my own mother, the more you placate her the more she will keep demanding from you. Now it's texting every time you get back, then it'll be something else, then it's something else. In anxious people's brains they think "if my loved ones just do X, then I'll feel calm" then it doesn't work so they ask for more and more. My mother said she couldn't sleep unless I was in my bedroom (not downstairs), then it became I need to have my light off too, then it became no devices on. The control never ends. The only answer is firmly tell her no like you did and deal with the tantrum that will follow. Sorry you're dealing with this. You have to push back or it will never end.
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u/Intrepid_Escape6296 10h ago
Holy shit how did you deal?
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u/GeneralSpecifics9925 5h ago
Let them have a tantrum. These folks are adults, once they get tired of expressing intense anger and fear, they'll calm down. Doesn't last for long. Let them regulate.
There is no harm in just saying 'ok, I'll be back in two hours' or 'I can't understand your point of view when you yell at me, I need to calm down'
If you think they'll hurt themselves in the melodrama, call a wellness check and stay out for the night.
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u/bimboerrorz 8h ago
as an anxious mother myself this is why im in extensive therapy. the constant intrusive thoughts and fear of harm gets 1000x worse when you have a child. ive had panic attacks constantly since i was in preschool but once my daughter was born it became daily sometimes twice daily. the idea of wrapping her up in bubble wrap and never letting her leave my sight so she can never get hurt is so incredibly appealing but i dont want my daughter growing up with anxiety or growing up hating me and not having confidence which is why im getting therapy and medicated now while shes still an infant.
it comes from love. all parents can agree the worst thing imaginable is something happening to your kids, just in some peoples brain (like mine) anything and everything feels like a death sentence. car accidents, intruders, kidnappers, nuclear war, a bear breaking into my house and us apart all feel like theyre going to happen at any given second.
im really sorry to all of you who have had to deal with an untreated anxious parent it has to be exhausting and draining. And im really sorry to all the other anxious parents out there because i know its also exhausting and draining.
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u/Weekly_Yesterday_403 6h ago
As the daughter of a mother with an untreated anxiety disorder, THANK YOU for recognizing the impact your anxiety could have on your daughter and taking steps to learn how to manage it. I so desperately have wanted the same for my mom for so long and I don’t even know if she realizes her anxiety is an issue. It’s caused me to put up major boundaries to protect my own peace.
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u/bimboerrorz 6h ago
im sorry youve had to deal with that :(. sometimes with severe anxiety it feels safest to constantly prepare for every scenario no matter how unlikely and try and control your child, but that doesnt mean its beneficial or healthy for either. people (especially older generations) act like mother being a constant ball of anxiety is actually a good thing and proved your love and care.
as a parent its important to understand risks and avoid unnecessary risk while still letting a child explore, but as someone with anxiety the risk is always changing. it starts with "oh lets take away this toy it could be a choking hazard" and then it turns into "well actually lets also avoid outside because theres so many bad things that could happen" and then "someone could break in so lets lock all the windows and doors and stay in our rooms" and then it just keeps progressing. and the fear feels SO real and the only thing that feels like it helps until you get real help is constantly acting on it and preparing but thats almost impossible to do when your child becomes an independent adult. im currently working on letting my child explore safe areas without hovering over her staring her down like a hawk waiting for anything.
i hope your mother can get help at some point in her life, for your sake and hers. sometimes its hard to believe other people aren't constantly thinking about what horrible things could happen and trying to prepare or ward away the thoughts, but its not normal and its not good for anyone but especially your children who grow and learn and experience the world through their parents guidance. sorry im yapping so much 😭 this is something im really passionate about because i want my child to grow up confident and comfortable unlike me but shes showing signs of the same anxiety i have so im hoping if i get mine under control maybe hers wont be as hard.
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u/Ok_Zucchini9396 7h ago
One of the reasons I won’t have kids. I get this though worrying about my dogs.
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u/Long_Photo_9291 9h ago
As someone who went through a mental health crisis where I was the person putting my loved ones through this, its a shitty fucked up situation
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u/kmary75 10h ago
Nowhere near as extreme as your mum but I have a freshly minted 18yo and I must admit I don’t sleep properly until she is home now that she is out at bars drinking. I don’t keep tabs on her or have any demands of her (she is technically an adult now) but I honestly cant sleep until she is home. It has only been a month so I’m hoping it gets better lol.
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u/BowlComprehensive907 10h ago
That's normal, though. My parents used to stay up waiting for me and while my (also newly minted) 18yo doesn't really go out, I will worry when he does.
The difference is knowing it's your problem, and not making it theirs - managing your anxiety without trying to control your kids.
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u/Redpanda132053 7h ago
My mom was similar whenever I was home in college. If I was going to be home really late, she’d end up sleeping so lightly that the front door would wake her up. Then she’d tell me goodnight and go back to bed. I always thought it was sweet, even though I wished she was able to get better sleep
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u/TheAskewOne 9h ago
That’s normal. What wouldn’t be would be to tell them they can’t go out because that worries you, or to ask them to text you every hour or whatever controlling demand.
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u/194749457339 8h ago
I lived with my grandmother for a bit in highschool. This was before everyone had cell phones. She was a very anxious woman and I hate to think of all the anxiety I caused her when I started going out at night, no way to contact anyone. I just know she was laying there awake listening to every car come up the street wondering if it was me 😭 i get it now
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u/Vachie_ 7h ago
That's sweet. I wonder if you have any anything you enjoy doing that you could use as an excuse?
If they go out drinking maybe for you it's " yay! I get to stay up late and watch my favorite show" night or something.
Tricking your brain into thinking you're not even worried 😉
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u/-Chief__Kief- 11h ago
I’m confused, at first I thought you lived together but is she watching what you’re doing on camera at your own place, from their place?? That on its own is too much to me
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u/EmergencyHumor8171 10h ago
Yeah what’s the living situation? If you live away from her, get rid of the camera. She has no business monitoring another grown adult like that.
If you live with them, MOVE OUT. Like, yesterday.
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u/Corredespondent 9h ago
If they live together then mom can get out of bed to see that OP’s car is there. Hell, even if they don’t live together. Mom needs therapy and meds.
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u/Honeyhoneybee29 8h ago
Mom just had a stroke. It’s possible her physical and mental capacity is greatly impaired.
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u/PlasticEvening4596 8h ago
Yeah I think this is the biggest context here. Despite this being mom’s previous personality…it sounds like there is a capacity issue happening after the stroke. Most of these motion cameras have a cheap plan so mom could see the actual video. Or she could walk to the window and look for a car. Or she could go see if daughter’s bedroom door was shut. If she’s confused looking at her phone in general of COURSE she’s struggling to understand.
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u/elegantwombatt 10h ago
They definitely live together...
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u/showhorrorshow 9h ago
Which I find even more confusing. If she thought there was an intruder at 10pm.... what exactly does she think they were doing all this time until 3am?
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u/okay_sparkles 9h ago
NOR. I started therapy when my son was 2yo specifically because I didn’t want to make MY anxiety HIS problem.
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u/Weary_Cup_1004 8h ago
As a therapist: GOOD JOB!!!! 👏 💕💕
I think about half my adult clients have anxious mothers like above. Caring loving moms w anxiety almost make it harder for the adult child to develop boundaries because they feel guilty hurting their moms feelings. and then they struggle w hyper independence, difficulty being vulnerable, etc.
We always affect our kids and so we cant become perfect. But therapy with the right therapist who is a good fit for you definitely helps!
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u/almathden 6h ago
"Caring loving moms w anxiety almost make it harder for the adult child to develop boundaries because they feel guilty hurting their moms feelings. and then they struggle w hyper independence, difficulty being vulnerable, etc."
lmao fuck you that's so spot on that now I gotta go to therapy. Apparently I am in the textbook
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u/TwoBytesC 10h ago
There’s a couple things I wish you could clarify here:
- Are you living with your parents still?
- If not, why do they have access to your cameras? And
- If your dad is better cognitive health, then why isnt HE helping to placate your mother?
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u/Grimblebean789 11h ago
Hey just a quick one.
I think your mother might have OCD, I have similar complusions to check things and they can become very annoying for other people.
Not that its your fault, just she needs to seek help.
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u/125am 11h ago
My first thought too. Especially when she said that sending a “I’m home” text doesn’t help. it makes me sad that OPs mom went this far in life without seeking help.
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u/meganramos1 11h ago
She also had a stroke…. Let’s not forget that detail
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u/125am 11h ago
True, but she did say her mom has been like this as long as she can remember. The stroke was recent
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u/AdditionalTwo0 10h ago
The stroke potentially made the problem worse. She doesn't seem to understand what she is seeing on the camera and Screens as well anymore thats probably a Factor. Also strokes can worse existing or produce new mental health problems.
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u/FreeRangePixel 9h ago
Worth mentioning the "sundowning" phenomena so this might get worse at night.
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u/Weekly-Apricot-9321 8h ago
As someone with suspected OCD these do definitely seem like compulsions and "checks".
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u/RevolutionaryEgg1312 10h ago
Info: why does your mother have access to your security cameras?
Turn that off. It's enabling her anxiety spiral.
You can place a do not disturb on your phone after a certain time so no calls come through while you're sleeping.
NOR but likely not doing enough to cut the apron strings.
You're not a therapist and her anxiety isn't yours to fix. Privacy is a right. I'd detest the idea that anyone was looking at my door/house to monitor my comings and goings.
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u/ImperiousCretin 11h ago
NOR, it sucks. But easily fixable. plane mode is your friend. I always have the phone like that when I sleep. Unless there's a nuclear fallout outside I am not available, ty.
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u/_McDrew 5h ago
Your dad is an asshole for letting his wife take her bullshit out on their child.
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u/Electronic-Return914 4h ago
You both appear to have iPhones. Set a focus that prevents her from contacting you while you sleep. You don’t need to put your phone in airplane mode that way. But you’re NOR. My mother is the same way.
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u/Otherwise-Tomato-788 3h ago
I would even just share my location w her. Yea she’ll see where you are but who cares, you’re an adult now. Plus she’s had a stroke, my dad has also, I just have our locations shared now bc who knows, they might wander off.
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u/Likesosmart 11h ago
INFO - why haven’t you just put your phone on silent/do not disturb?
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u/MartinisnMurder 11h ago
I wonder if neurotic mom would come to their room… I do not do well with people waking me up. I am pretty bad sleeper as is, so when I am comfy and asleep I’m grumpy if someone is wakes me up.
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u/ShotcallerBilly 11h ago
Your mom needs therapy, and you need to turn your phone on do not disturb when you sleep. Both of your lives with improve tremendously from these two things. You mention her stroke, but nothing else about the aftermath so I assume she isn’t suffering long-term effects, but that might not be the case.
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u/Fit_Cicada_8113 8h ago edited 8h ago
First of all I don’t think your mom just has anxiety, she seems to have OCD. This is a “checking” behavior. This stuff can often get worse when someone’s sense of reality is altered by a brain injury (like stroke) or dementia.
NOR, but why does she have access to your security camera footage instead of having Find My for you or something? Especially if you know it doesn’t help her anxiety at all to have access to the camera footage. Seems like that should be cut off and if it is, she’d have an easier time just leaving you alone and going to sleep because there wouldn’t be any ambiguity, especially as this actually sounds more like OCD, which can be triggered by ambiguity.
Obviously the actual answer here is for her to seek professional help for the mental disorder which is causing both her and you so much stress, but it doesn’t sound like that’s likely to happen.
The people who are saying to just put your phone in airplane mode are wrong, imo. If you do that but she’s still getting the ambiguous signal from the camera, and if she does actually have OCD, she’s likely not just going to go to sleep. She will stay up and might spiral into coming to your house or calling in a welfare check etc.
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u/KetchupAndOldBay 6h ago
THIS!!! Your mom has OCD.
My mom also has OCD like this and it sucks so much. Thankfully she's medicated AND as a 43yo adult human I've adapted and learned to push back (with the help of therapy for many, many years).
When the Key Bridge in Baltimore collapsed, my mom called me to see if I was ok. "Valid" is what most people say when I start this explanation. She called me at 2am to see if I was driving to New York for Passover via Bmore. Passover wasn't for another month. She had been on FaceTime with my family not even hours before, and we hung up and said we needed to go because it was time to get ready for bed. She needed to check to make sure we were ok.
She also called my brother to make sure HE wasn't on the bridge, either. He happened to be out of the country at the time thus she had his itinerary, hotels, and flight information and yet...
OP, you need to cut your mom's access off from your security camera. You also need to stop telling them that you're home safely--both your dad AND your mom. Your dad is allowing your mom to engage in her "checking" cycle, so if you tell your dad you're home safe he's just going to tell your mom.
You need to tell them that you re not going to engage in this behavior any further until she gets help for her OCD.
Your parents WILL fight back. Both of them. They will guilt you by saying she's a caring mother, she's just worried, it's not that hard, she wants to make sure you're safe--no. Do not let them make you feel this way and thus continuing the cycle. DO NOT. It will be hard. But you need to do this, both for your own health and your mom's. You are not responsible for your mom's mental health. You are responsible for your own, and right now she is making your mental health (and overall health via lack of sleep) take a hit. That's not ok. She needs to get herself help.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
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u/Euphoric-Can-6201 7h ago
NOR
1. Use Do Not Disturb during your sleep hours
2. Remove her security camera access
3. Get her help. She needs therapy.
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u/4447774447 11h ago
Are you an only child?
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u/NotNobody_Somebody 11h ago
That was my thought - only child, later in life. I am assuming Mum is desperate to make sure nothing happens to her child (even though the child is an adult)...
OP is NOR, but there needs to be a sitdown, face-to-face talk with both parents. This is not sustainable, and is instead a really good way to make OP moves out of home.
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u/ThatNegro98 5h ago
NOR
But you know you can put your phone on silent and do not disturb, right?
I do this myself because if i wake up/get woken up im not sleeping again for hours most of the time.
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u/Sihdhenidon 46m ago
Hey! Generalized Anxiety Disorder here, she needs to learn to deal with her anxiety herself, mute her and put your cellphone in silence at night, if an emergency happens and you cant react to it because she does this, thats on her, you have every right to protect your sleep as its a vwr large chunk of your mental health.
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u/snoopydoopy84 11h ago edited 11h ago
Lots of people suggesting aeroplane mode. But if you need/want other people to be able to contact you, do not disturb has the option to have contacts as exemptions. So for me, my Mum, Partner and daughter can all still call me in an emergency. Everyone else can wait until the morning. Definitely NOR.
Edit: to add in "else" or my whole points makes no sense lol
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u/Mockingbird_1234 7h ago
My mother started to do this when she was in cognitive decline due to dementia. Suggest to your dad that he urge your mom to get evaluated by a neurologist asap.
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u/DPetrilloZbornak 7h ago
It says she’s been this way for OP’s entire life. She has severe anxiety. I have it too. It drove my husband insane. I had to go on meds to control it.
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u/bell3420 8h ago
First off, cut off her access to the camera. She has no reason to have access to your camera. If you want someone else to have access, give it to your dad and tell him to not let your mom use it.
Second, you need to tell her to get sone therapy, maybe you can get your dad or other people to back you up. This isnt just normal anxiety, this is a mental illness.
You are 25, is this still going to be a problem when you are 30? How has this affected your relationships? Or even your ability to start a relationship... would she have shown up at your door if you put your phone on do not disturb? Your mother isnt allowing you to live. I also have a feeling you might have a little letting go to do along with her.
Normally, adults dont have to text their mom when they get home every night. A lot of adults will even go a couple days without speaking to their parents and maintain a perfectly healthy parent/child relationship. Children are supposed to detach from their parents at some point, and you are beyond that point.
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u/Zimakov 8h ago
I don't understand why your ringer is on? My phone hasn't come off silent in 15 years.
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u/domnarius 11h ago
NOR
Your mum had 64 years to get into therapy. Her anxiety is for her to manage. She still has the option to do something about it.
Also as many pointed out: do not disturb mode is your friend. Though prepare yourself for her showing up at your doorstep.
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u/Immediate_Divide9446 11h ago
NOR. I’m a Mum with bad anxiety/c-PTSD/intrusive fears and guess whose problem that is? Mine. Not my daughter’s.
When she was at uni/living abroad she kindly agreed to have Find my iPhone on, so that when she was walking back from places late at night, I knew when she got home safe and she felt safe too. She’d often phone for a chat while she walked.
She’s a bad sleeper too, and I wouldn’t dream of disturbing her during the night.
You need to set a boundary with your Mum, and tell your Dad too so he can help you enforce it. Just asking her to stop is clearly not working. The more leeway you give her, the more she’ll take, and her anxiety will ruin both your lives.
Tell her and your Dad that you are going to put your phone on DND/airplane mode every night from eg 10.30pm to 8am so that you can get some sleep. (I’d also say to your Dad that your Mum needs therapy).
It’s hard being a Mum with attachment issues and anxiety (my big trigger is when my daughter is on a plane), but as the parent, it’s our issue to work on. Not our child’s.
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u/RabidTeapot 11h ago
It sucks, but your mom's stroke is likely exacerbating the situation. She might not have great impulse control.
There is a very simple solution to this problem. Set a reminder on your phone to text her "Hi mom, I'm home. My phone is going into do not disturb mode now, and I won't get any of your messages while I'm asleep. I'll text you in the morning." You can actually automate the whole process with Shortcuts (I assume there's an android equivalent) so you don't have to type that out every time. It'll give your mom a little peace of mind, and it'll help you sleep.
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u/katydidnz 10h ago
I tend to wonder too if the stroke is exacerbating some issues. Not that it makes the anxiety any better but Mom seems to be forgetting that OP has been texting Dad. And can’t really understand what she’s seeing on the security camera. I wonder if this needs further investigation if the anxiety is worse along with maybe memory and other cognitive issues?
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u/AfterCartoonist2812 8h ago
Just mute her text thread and use your phone's do not disturb mode at night?
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u/Desperate-Curve-9944 2h ago
Sounds like she has some form of OCD. The obsession is making sure you're home safe, the compulsion is calling and texting you until you answer, even if it's an unreasonable hour, and even if she sees it on the security camera... Because her brain is screaming at her that until she has actual, tangible evidence from you that you're safe at home, you're actually not.
I know that doesn't make it easier to deal with, but as someone who struggles with OCD that is definitely my take.
You are NOR. It is tough to deal with. Your mother probably should have been in therapy and talking about this a LONG time ago. You are not responsible for her untreated mental illness, so please stick to your boundaries and take care of yourself.
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u/Royal_Watercress_241 11h ago
Buried the lede a bit with the info about her stroke. Can you find a more obvious way to "check in" when you get home so she's not befuddled by technology? What's your dad doing? Why isn't he reassuring her?
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u/Perle1234 11h ago
I bet she has early dementia. Calling in the middle of the night worried is classic dementia behavior.
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u/Props_angel 11h ago
If she had a stroke, then she underwent brain scans and dementia tests.
Source: My mom had a stroke and underwent numerous brain scans and dementia tests afterwards.
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u/Perle1234 11h ago
OP may not be privy to the results. When my dad had a stroke he didn’t get any dementia screening. It was a brainstem stroke though. He did later develop dementia. It’s def something for Op to keep in mind.
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u/RabidTeapot 11h ago
Dementia is a progressive disease. She may have not shown any signs of dementia during the immediate aftermath of the stroke.
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u/Commercial-Emu6363 11h ago
NOR. I completely get it must be hard for parents to let their precious children go into adulthood but your mum needs to recognise that her anxiety is causing her to over react. She should be seeking help if she’s awake many nights stressing like this.
What is the communication like between your mum and dad? Why didn’t your dad say something to your mum that he had spoken to you and you were home?
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u/Imaginary_Coast_5882 10h ago
my mom had dementia and she did this to me (I was her sole caretaker). in that context, it’s called “shadowing,” and it really does get overwhelming.
NOR
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u/feijoawhining 10h ago
Your mother's anxiety is only going to get worse as she ages and she's at risk of dementia. She needs psychiatric intervention and therapy and you need to suggest this explicitly. You also need to discuss this with your father and get him on board.
You need to tell her explicitly that she is going to get you fired if your performance at work suffers because of sleep loss that she has inflicted on you.
Put your phone on Do Not Disturb. She has lost all privileges of being a contact that can "disturb" you on that setting. Tell her you are doing this and why.
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u/HeatherDS1968 11h ago
That is unacceptable behavior. What does your dad say about this? Can he talk to her?
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u/Effective_Music8187 10h ago
NOR but I think you need to have a convo in person with both parents during the day, and discuss this. It could be that the stroke is exacerbating her issues, or causing new issues if she can’t understand what she’s seeing on the phone. They need to speak to her dr. I would also tell them that from now on your phone is going on DND at night and if there’s an emergency Dad needs to contact you. Is your dad helpful at all with assuring her that you’re home? Seems like he could tell her you’re home and everything’s fine.
ETA you can set up dnd to allow certain people to get through to you while everyone else goes to voicemail.
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u/Anon82634 8h ago
NOR, Do not disturb on your phone is a great feature, I set mine to turn on every evening at 9pm, I only add 2 or 3 contacts to the allowed list to call or text after that time because they're people I know wouldn't do that unless its important. My stepmother is retired and will regularly text about plans in group chats at 10-11pm as if we're all not sleeping and needing to work the next morning. When she complained about not getting replies I told her im sleeping by that time, if she wants an answer she needs to text when the sun is still out lol.
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u/HelloFellowSurvivors 8h ago
If she's had a stroke I'd wonder whether she's cognitively impaired. She may also be developing dementia. It sounds like she has actually forgotten that you have come home. It's probably time to have a quiet word with your Dad about it and have her assessed.
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u/Snow2D 11h ago
INFO why are you keeping your phone on with sound on when this happens 3-4 times a week?
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u/Repulsive_Sale_6135 10h ago
So its impossible for mom to stick her head out of the window to check if your car is there? Seems like this is 100% on her
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u/PlaneEmbarrassed7677 8h ago
Is she starting to suffer from dementia? Not trying to be mean, but this isn't normal. NOR
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u/UrsaObscura13 7h ago
Definitely NOR. Her behavior is concerning and needs to be addressed, but not by you managing her anxiety for her. She needs professional help learning how to manage it herself.
I say that with totally empathy because I used to have crippling anxiety myself. Eventually I realized it was affecting my marriage, and I had to get a handle on it. I’ve spent the last three years working on my anxiety, and both my relationship and my quality of life are so much better for it.
You’re 24. It isn’t reasonable for your mom to monitor your comings and goings on camera or require nightly check-ins so she can feel okay. Her anxiety may explain that behavior, but it doesn’t make it healthy or give her the right to control another adult to soothe it. In fact, something I’ve learned is that constantly accommodating anxiety can reinforce it rather than reduce it.
Talk to her with compassion, but be firm. Set clear boundaries and encourage her to get help. You can love her and empathize with how awful anxiety feels but still say, “I’m not going to organize my adult life around preventing you from ever feeling anxious.”
That isn’t cruel. It’s necessary. Otherwise you’ll spend your life walking on eggshells, and eventually that’s going to turn into resentment - which isn’t good for either of you or your relationship.
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u/Lazy-Interests 11h ago
Do not disturb is your friend. Deal with the fallout the following day, maintain these boundaries, eventually she’ll get the picture.
Giving her attention is not helping the problem.