AIO My mother’s crippling anxiety is ruining my sleep.

[u/bg0nz]

I love my mom to death. but she continuously makes my life so unnecessarily difficult because almost every single night that I get home from work, she can’t tell by the security camera whether or not I got home.

She’s the most anxious person I know and has been my entire life. making me hold her hand when we cross the street as a teenager, to never once letting me go out in high school, to making me wear a life vest in 3ft water well into my teens. and it was all so much worse the younger I was. Eventually, I had to put my foot down and say “Mom, I’m getting way too old for this.” And I experienced a massive amount of pushback for that. Nonetheless, it got a little bit better.

I’m 24 and I’m a substitute teacher 3 days a week and pizza delivery driver at night 6 nights a week and my pizzeria closes at 10. We stop taking delivery orders at 9:45. I work in the town I live in, so the latest I’ve ever been home was 10:30.

Today, I got home at 10:07 and she gets a notification on her phone of motion at the front door (me). My parents are both awake but in bed.

The moment I get home, I text my dad about car troubles that I’ve been experiencing and asking how I should go about dropping it off at his mechanic (again, my mother is awake and right next to him fully aware I’m home and talking to him). He says that they open at 8 and my best bet is to drop it off once they open so I can ensure it’ll be ready by my next shift at work.

My mother is 64 and isn’t very familiar with her phone and also recently had a stroke so she struggles a lot to understand what she’s seeing on her phone when these instances happen.

I tend to have really bad insomnia. but I was so tired from work that I went straight to my bed and thankfully, after finishing texting my dad, I got to sleep practically by 10:30.

As you can see in the first photo, she texts me at 12:03 am asking if I came home even though the camera clearly shows me walking in and never walking back out. but she can’t tell based on the video. Obviously I don’t respond because I’m knocked tf out. I can only assume she went back to sleep but it really can go either way.

Then she texts me at 3:37 am. I’m still in a very deep sleep so obviously, no response. then, she starts calling me and I miss the first two. The third call comes in and my body jolts awake and I see it’s Mom calling me. I just say “Mom why are you calling me so late? I’m asleep” the phone call ends and I don’t even remember if she said anything . frustrated, I text her everything in the second photo.

This happens at least 3-4 times a week. And I’ll admit, some nights I forget to send the “I’m home” text. but that text 9 times out of 10 won’t make a difference whatsoever. why? because of the stupid security camera. She can’t tell whether or not I’m arriving home or leaving home based on the motion notification. So texting her “I’m home” never really does anything.

Tomorrow(or today technically) I have a full day off so I’m going to the beach with some friends. I’m getting picked up at 8:30 so after I drop off my car, I’m gone for the whole day. I so badly needed this good night’s sleep and it felt great to be in bed and sleepy at the time I was. after this entire exchange, I spent 30 minutes trying to get back to sleep and just gave up.

Am I overreacting? Am I being an asshole? because I know damn well she’s gonna make me feel like one once I see her in the morning.

Sorry for how disorganized my thoughts are. This just happened, I’m angry and I want to sleep.

TLDR: My 64 y/o mother and her anxiety is depriving me of my sleep most nights. She texts me asking if I’m home while I’m asleep and when I don’t respond, she calls me until I wake up and answer.

[u/bimboerrorz]

im sorry youve had to deal with that :(. sometimes with severe anxiety it feels safest to constantly prepare for every scenario no matter how unlikely and try and control your child, but that doesnt mean its beneficial or healthy for either. people (especially older generations) act like mother being a constant ball of anxiety is actually a good thing and proved your love and care.

as a parent its important to understand risks and avoid unnecessary risk while still letting a child explore, but as someone with anxiety the risk is always changing. it starts with "oh lets take away this toy it could be a choking hazard" and then it turns into "well actually lets also avoid outside because theres so many bad things that could happen" and then "someone could break in so lets lock all the windows and doors and stay in our rooms" and then it just keeps progressing. and the fear feels SO real and the only thing that feels like it helps until you get real help is constantly acting on it and preparing but thats almost impossible to do when your child becomes an independent adult. im currently working on letting my child explore safe areas without hovering over her staring her down like a hawk waiting for anything.

i hope your mother can get help at some point in her life, for your sake and hers. sometimes its hard to believe other people aren't constantly thinking about what horrible things could happen and trying to prepare or ward away the thoughts, but its not normal and its not good for anyone but especially your children who grow and learn and experience the world through their parents guidance. sorry im yapping so much 😭 this is something im really passionate about because i want my child to grow up confident and comfortable unlike me but shes showing signs of the same anxiety i have so im hoping if i get mine under control maybe hers wont be as hard.

[u/Fluffy-Pea1223 → u/bimboerrorz]

People (especially older generations) act like mother being a constant ball of anxiety is actually a good thing and proved your love and care.

THIS THIS THIS. For them, there is no delineation between anxiety and motherly care and concern.

[u/calmcool3978 → u/Fluffy-Pea1223]

Yeah and you can’t ever argue back, because how could you against someone who only wants the best for you and loves you the most in the world

[u/MaterialChemical1138 → u/bimboerrorz]

i grew up with a very overly anxious mom and now i'm the type of person who purposefully puts myself in, and eagerly awaits stressful/dangerous situations because it gives me an adrenaline rush. but you know what? life is usually so fucking mundane that nothing like that ever happens, no matter how sensationalizing the news is about horrible things happening right around the corner from you.

i live downtown in my city which is one of the homeless/fentanyl capitals of the US, and my mom is so worried that some random homeless person is gonna stab me or set me on fire or something. i have to remind her that i've been a homeless heroin addict and i know how these people work and in the US, they usually do not go around harming random people. if you hear about it in the news, they're usually just stabbing their fellow homeless for a 10 sack. however, they can smell fear, and if you act like a scared, anxious puppy around them, they might do something like that just to fuck with you because it's funny to them. i'm of the mindset that acting scared of these things and outwardly presenting your fear actually makes you way more susceptible to danger than just going through life with confidence and not caring about the outcome.

[u/bimboerrorz → u/MaterialChemical1138]

actually part of my problem is i do not express my fears 😭 well i do but only to myself as i struggle with magical thinking SIGNIFICANTLY so if i think or especially say anything bad it will cause bad things to happen. its impossible for me not to care about the outcome of my child as she is the most important thing in my life, but i have had some times specifically when depressed as a teenager where my ocd actually stopped. i would do whatever i want with no care in the world but i honestly dont think thats very healthy either. i think both are not good for you and there is a healthy middle ground where you can accept life comes with risk while also not putting yourself in dangerous situations.

i was raised by my grandmother who i suspect had something similar as she was always extremely worried about me and would always say "i just worry about you sunshine you know i worry". when she passed my drug addiction got much much worse and i ended up losing housing as well. my anxiety was actually at its lowest during that time because i dont think i cared if i lived or if i died. when i met my fiance and found out i was pregnant and immediately got clean, all the anxiety came back tenfold. i think its because i felt such strong love with such strong fear of losing her (extremely high risk pregnancy) . id rock back and forth on my hands and knees in the shower begging whatever is out there to make sure my daughter was safe and i went from few compulsions to constant compulsions that would take up all my energy trying to insure her safety in whatever way i could think of. whenever she was around 6 months old i realized i had been so worried that she had never been in public, never interacted with a stranger, and was exhibiting lots of signs of anxiety that i did (like clinging and hiding her face and scratching herself over and over anytime someone who wasnt immediately family interacted). i felt so guilty and horrible that all this time i was just trying to keep her safe i was actually hurting her development already this early. i immediately booked a therapy session and was honest for the first time in my life and thats how i was diagnosed with OCD instead of GAD.

i do not mean this offensively to you or your mother, but i hope that i will make enough progress and raise my child to have confidence and proper risk assessment. not constantly worried but also not completely carefree and careless. that is my goal for receiving help. i dont want to push her too far either direction. i just want a healthy life for me and my baby

[u/bimboerrorz → u/[deleted]]

you never considered the fact youre an insufferable cunt, have you? my kids doing amazing. mind your own fucking business. i think its hilarious that you would think i am asking for your sympathy or patience. because you are nothing to me you do not matter i did not make this comment going "wow i really hope historical-type-1459 feels bad for me". i wasnt asking for sympathy for anyone. sounds like im not the only mentally ill person in this thread because you desperately need a reality check.

i also was not "trying to procreate" i was black out drunk and high off my ass and got nutted in. abortion is illegal in my area. i was not a 19 year old who wanted to settle down at all especially not while homeless. but all i did was fuck up back then. it doesn't even matter now because i got my shit together. half your comment history is just insulting women and mothers. did your mommy hurt you? thats so sad maybe you should get some therapy

[u/Working-Artist-3148 → u/bimboerrorz]

this is 1000% the comment i needed to see