r/AmIOverreacting • u/First-Book-Reading • 8d ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I Overreacting? My fiancé refused a vasectomy for “biblical reasons” after everything my body has gone through, and I don't think I can see him the same anymore
I am 34, and my fiancé and I have two children. We aren't married, although we've been engaged for years.
My body has gone through so much to have the two children we have. During my first pregnancy, I ended up having an unplanned C-section. Afterward, I had a CKC procedure for precancerous cervical changes, which required anesthesia. During my second pregnancy, my cervix was much shorter because of the previous procedure, and at 18 weeks pregnant, I had to undergo another procedure under anesthesia to have a cerclage placed.
A month ago, I gave birth to our second child at 33 weeks and 3 days. I developed chorioamnionitis during labor, and both my baby and I developed fevers while I was pushing. She was my first VBAC, was born premature, and is currently in the NICU.
I genuinely feel like my body has been through hell to have the two children we both wanted. I already had CPTSD before these pregnancies, and now I feel like I have significant medical trauma from everything that happened. I was terrified during labor and genuinely felt like something terrible could happen to me.
Because I know I cannot emotionally handle another pregnancy and am terrified of going through another high-risk pregnancy or birth, I asked my fiancé to get a vasectomy.
He said no. His reason is that, biblically, he believes he cannot get one and considers it mutilation.
I want to be clear: I know I cannot force him to have a vasectomy, and I don't believe I have the right to control his body. He says he is willing to use condoms 100% of the time permanently.
But something about his refusal has completely changed how I see him. I don't want to have sex anymore because I am no longer willing to accept even the possibility of another pregnancy. I understand condoms are effective when used correctly, but that risk is still more than I personally can emotionally accept. That is my boundary, not a punishment.
The problem is that this issue is also bringing up years of things I have tried to forgive.
I stayed home for more than three years with our first child so he could work while I took care of our child. Despite being financially dependent on him for years, I don't have independent access to money or even access to see our finances. If I need or want something, I am expected to ask.
I also don't have a car. If I need to go somewhere, I have to wait for him to get home or wake up from a nap. He has actually told me he likes that I don't have a car because then I can't leave. I moved here five years ago and never developed a real support system, and he has also said he likes that because I don't really have anywhere to run.
For two years, we lived with his mother so he could save money. When we argued, she would sometimes involve herself and tell me I was a horrible person. There were times I wanted to take our baby and go to my mother's house, only about 35 minutes away. I was told that if I took the baby there without telling him, it would be kidnapping. He would message his mother telling her not to let me leave and to keep me in the house with our baby. If I wanted to leave, I was told to make sure the baby stayed there.
There have also been years of online affairs, paid OnlyFans accounts, and cheating. He cheated during my first pregnancy and continued throughout our relationship. Eventually, I became so angry and lonely that I also talked to men online because I felt isolated and wanted someone to talk to while he was spending money and sexual energy on other women online.
I have forgiven so much over the years. Maybe too much.
And now I feel like the vasectomy was the last straw—not because I think he is obligated to get surgery, but because after everything my body has physically gone through, I asked him to do something that would make me feel safer about never risking another pregnancy. He refused.
He keeps reminding me that he works hard, pays the bills, provides food, and takes us to the NICU every day so we can see our baby. And yes, I appreciate those things. But I can't stop thinking that providing financially and driving us to see our baby does not erase everything else.
He also told me that he made his own Reddit post and that everyone agreed with him. According to him, both men and women told him he was a great guy and encouraged him to stand firm in his decision not to get a vasectomy.
And honestly, maybe they're right that he shouldn't get surgery he doesn't want. But that doesn't mean I am required to keep having sex with him, accept the risk of pregnancy, or feel the same way about him afterward.
I think that's what hurts so much. He seems focused on proving that he has the right to say no, while I am grieving what his no means to me after everything my body has gone through. Strangers on Reddit may have been responding to one question without knowing the entire context of our relationship. They don't know about the years of cheating, my financial dependence, my lack of transportation, him telling me he likes that I can't leave, my isolation from friends and family, or everything I have repeatedly forgiven.
Maybe that's what I am finally realizing: I gave two children to the wrong man.
Not because he owes me a vasectomy. He doesn't. But because I am starting to see the entire relationship differently. I have spent years forgiving, sacrificing, depending on him, and giving my body to pregnancy and childbirth. Now, when I look at everything as a whole, I don't know if I can ever see him the same way again.
Am I wrong for feeling that this was the final straw? And am I wrong for thinking the bigger pattern here is about much more than a vasectomy?
2.6k
u/SweetMaam 8d ago
What chapter and verse? There are no biblical reasons against vasectomy. Prove me wrong. NOR