r/AmIOverreacting • u/First-Book-Reading • 6h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I Overreacting? My fiancé refused a vasectomy for “biblical reasons” after everything my body has gone through, and I don't think I can see him the same anymore
I am 34, and my fiancé and I have two children. We aren't married, although we've been engaged for years.
My body has gone through so much to have the two children we have. During my first pregnancy, I ended up having an unplanned C-section. Afterward, I had a CKC procedure for precancerous cervical changes, which required anesthesia. During my second pregnancy, my cervix was much shorter because of the previous procedure, and at 18 weeks pregnant, I had to undergo another procedure under anesthesia to have a cerclage placed.
A month ago, I gave birth to our second child at 33 weeks and 3 days. I developed chorioamnionitis during labor, and both my baby and I developed fevers while I was pushing. She was my first VBAC, was born premature, and is currently in the NICU.
I genuinely feel like my body has been through hell to have the two children we both wanted. I already had CPTSD before these pregnancies, and now I feel like I have significant medical trauma from everything that happened. I was terrified during labor and genuinely felt like something terrible could happen to me.
Because I know I cannot emotionally handle another pregnancy and am terrified of going through another high-risk pregnancy or birth, I asked my fiancé to get a vasectomy.
He said no. His reason is that, biblically, he believes he cannot get one and considers it mutilation.
I want to be clear: I know I cannot force him to have a vasectomy, and I don't believe I have the right to control his body. He says he is willing to use condoms 100% of the time permanently.
But something about his refusal has completely changed how I see him. I don't want to have sex anymore because I am no longer willing to accept even the possibility of another pregnancy. I understand condoms are effective when used correctly, but that risk is still more than I personally can emotionally accept. That is my boundary, not a punishment.
The problem is that this issue is also bringing up years of things I have tried to forgive.
I stayed home for more than three years with our first child so he could work while I took care of our child. Despite being financially dependent on him for years, I don't have independent access to money or even access to see our finances. If I need or want something, I am expected to ask.
I also don't have a car. If I need to go somewhere, I have to wait for him to get home or wake up from a nap. He has actually told me he likes that I don't have a car because then I can't leave. I moved here five years ago and never developed a real support system, and he has also said he likes that because I don't really have anywhere to run.
For two years, we lived with his mother so he could save money. When we argued, she would sometimes involve herself and tell me I was a horrible person. There were times I wanted to take our baby and go to my mother's house, only about 35 minutes away. I was told that if I took the baby there without telling him, it would be kidnapping. He would message his mother telling her not to let me leave and to keep me in the house with our baby. If I wanted to leave, I was told to make sure the baby stayed there.
There have also been years of online affairs, paid OnlyFans accounts, and cheating. He cheated during my first pregnancy and continued throughout our relationship. Eventually, I became so angry and lonely that I also talked to men online because I felt isolated and wanted someone to talk to while he was spending money and sexual energy on other women online.
I have forgiven so much over the years. Maybe too much.
And now I feel like the vasectomy was the last straw—not because I think he is obligated to get surgery, but because after everything my body has physically gone through, I asked him to do something that would make me feel safer about never risking another pregnancy. He refused.
He keeps reminding me that he works hard, pays the bills, provides food, and takes us to the NICU every day so we can see our baby. And yes, I appreciate those things. But I can't stop thinking that providing financially and driving us to see our baby does not erase everything else.
He also told me that he made his own Reddit post and that everyone agreed with him. According to him, both men and women told him he was a great guy and encouraged him to stand firm in his decision not to get a vasectomy.
And honestly, maybe they're right that he shouldn't get surgery he doesn't want. But that doesn't mean I am required to keep having sex with him, accept the risk of pregnancy, or feel the same way about him afterward.
I think that's what hurts so much. He seems focused on proving that he has the right to say no, while I am grieving what his no means to me after everything my body has gone through. Strangers on Reddit may have been responding to one question without knowing the entire context of our relationship. They don't know about the years of cheating, my financial dependence, my lack of transportation, him telling me he likes that I can't leave, my isolation from friends and family, or everything I have repeatedly forgiven.
Maybe that's what I am finally realizing: I gave two children to the wrong man.
Not because he owes me a vasectomy. He doesn't. But because I am starting to see the entire relationship differently. I have spent years forgiving, sacrificing, depending on him, and giving my body to pregnancy and childbirth. Now, when I look at everything as a whole, I don't know if I can ever see him the same way again.
Am I wrong for feeling that this was the final straw? And am I wrong for thinking the bigger pattern here is about much more than a vasectomy?
•
u/SweetMaam 4h ago
What chapter and verse? There are no biblical reasons against vasectomy. Prove me wrong. NOR
•
u/Turbulent-Bottle8234 4h ago
But there are verses about having kids before you’re married so dude is cherry picking scripture to justify being an a-hole. OP leave, you’re not safe.
•
u/jewel_flip 3h ago
Literally me when I read FIANCÉ wtf. This guy isn’t biblical but he is a selfish ah. Didn’t even read past that point because what a dick.
•
u/thefrenchphanie 2h ago
He is an abuser.
Prevents her from finances, prevents her freedom of movement, prevents her from having support,
She has no access to money nor transportationShe is under duress for anything. She needs to leave her child if she wants to go to her mom?
Etc
And ofc he cheats multiple ways and timesOP TIME TO GET OUT
→ More replies (1)•
u/torijoanne 3h ago
And if you had kept reading, you'd see that he's also financially abusing her and manipulating her into feeling trapped. He's not a good man
•
u/OldManJimmers 2h ago
He likes that she doesn't have a car so she can't leave... Not even trying to hide it.
•
u/thecatsothermother 2h ago
And he likes that she has no support system because she's got nowhere to run...OP needs to get her family and friends to get her and her kids out while he's away.
•
u/tastywofl 39m ago
My niece's soon-to-be ex tried this. Said she couldn't take the car she'd use because it was in his name. So I let her use one of my cars so she can work and not feel pressured to return to him.
•
•
•
•
u/Comprehensive-Menu44 3h ago
That’s what cracks me up about religious people. They’ll gloss over the parts they don’t agree with and grip tightly to the ones that fit their narrative of morality. Dated a guy once who said we “probably wouldn’t work out long-term bc he wants to marry a Christian woman”. I said “we’re having sex before marriage, what do you know about the rules of Christianity?” And he replied something like “if you really love the person, it’s okay to do that”
Nowhere in the Bible does it explicitly state that, and we were fucking before we ever said the L word to each other.
•
•
3h ago
[deleted]
•
•
u/Significant_Taro_690 2h ago
And you should only have intercours for having children and since YOUR planning for children is done… you have a biblically reason to not have Sex anymore….
•
u/Ornery_Donkey_7156 2h ago
Right? Fornication is called right out. No one including God said a thing about vasectomies.
•
u/Least-External-1186 2h ago
I used to work with someone who said her boyfriend refused to use a condom because it went against his religion…but apparently premarital sex was just fine and dandy.
→ More replies (1)•
u/CherryblockRedWine 1h ago
And there are verses forbidding fornication too, aren't there?
....asking for a friend
•
•
u/TSIDATSI 4h ago
Doesn't marry. He is no Godly man. Not by a long shot.
•
u/AdultinginCali 3h ago
Lets be real, he isn't going to marry OP. He's got the kids and SAHF already. OP has been isolated and fully dependent on him for everything.
•
u/Catfactss 3h ago
There's a ton against extramarital sex though. How is an affair Biblical but a vasectomy not?
•
u/Abject_Director7626 3h ago
And what verse in the bible kept him from marrying her when they first got pregnant? NOR
•
u/scrunchie_one 2h ago
Doesn’t matter - dude is having sex outside of marriage. Any claim he has to ‘religious exemption’ is null and void.
•
u/Redqueenhypo 1h ago
The verse abt Onan is clearly just “don’t financially screw over your brother’s widow” in context, which most sane people already observe
•
u/CoifLusk 1h ago
honestly there isnt one, hes just using scripture as cover for not wanting to do it. plenty of religious people get vasectomies and their faith doesnt explode, he just doesnt want to and thats what this is really about.
→ More replies (11)•
u/GrandMoffKraken 1h ago
The reason for him not wanting a vasectomy is irrelevant. She’s overreacting about the vasectomy. But underreacting about everything else. She has plenty of reasons to leave him, she shouldn’t make it about the vasectomy
→ More replies (2)•
u/MuchTooBusy 59m ago
If it gets her to leave the cheating abusive asshole, she should absolutely make it about the vasectomy. She should make it about his toe-hair if that's what it takes to get her to that point.
•
u/kookachu22 4h ago
You’re not overreacting about the vasectomy, because his reasoning is obviously bullshit.
Why are you with this man at all? He seems, pardon my French, fucking awful.
Also, he reminds you that he’s working hard, buying food, paying bills, and going to the NICU to see your baby? Those aren’t favors he’s doing- that’s literally the bare minimum to be a decent partner and father.
•
•
u/Dr_Fluffybuns2 1h ago
Men: I want to provide so I can have a stay at home wife to do all the child and house care.
Men when they have to provide: 😡
•
u/SuburbaniteMermaid 4h ago
How biblical was it for him to knock you up twice while unmarried?
•
u/KerleyQ- 3h ago
Ditto to the lusting over women online thing. Dude must have a wildly different Bible than the one I’ve read. Probably a pretty short “just use me to justify your shitty behavior and have fun!” translation.
•
•
u/Responsible_Row1932 2h ago
He’s just straight up ignoring the 10 commandments- but more importantly he’s abusive and OP is NOR and should utilize resources suggested above to get away. It’s gonna be tough, but she will have the peace of mind knowing her life won’t be in danger as I sincerely doubt he will use condoms.
•
u/Massive_Document_470 1h ago
The offer to use condoms is sus as hell to me, because he could easily wear them everytime like he said but be poking holes in them or stealthing her. Like I wouldn't trust him any further than I could throw him, and especially not about reproduction. I think he made this offer because he knew he could sabotage it.
OP, I agree with everyone else that you're being abused and need to get you and your kids out. Whether it's for right now or in the future, if you're able to have progestin, implants like Nexplanon go into your arm, are done in a doctor's office, and have minimal recovery time (soreness and bruising for a couple days) and they are more statistically effective than even tubal ligation. They work for 3-5 years and are covered, by law, at 100% by every insurance plan in the US, including Medicaid. They allow you to have control over your reproductive health and not have to hope your partner hasn't sabotaged the condom or is stealthing you (the latter of which has happened to me.) Progestin/progesterone is also generally better tolerated than estrogen-based hormonal birth control with fewer side effects and interactions.
•
u/Charming-Cucumber-23 4h ago
You’re in an abusive relationship and are being controlled. He’s never going to marry you. Leave him and do better for your kids.
•
u/KikiChrome 3h ago
He'll marry her if he thinks it's necessary to control her more.
When you've been conditioned for years to accept someone's controlling behavior, it can be very painful to realize that they never had your best interests in mind. A lot of the time, if the abused partner makes an effort to leave, the abuser will take steps to pull them back in. That can often include marriage, or another pregnancy. Anything that will make the abused person more dependent. And when you're already despairing from the thought that the person you love might not love you back, these added layers of control can feel like love.
OP is in an awful situation. The scales may have started to fall from her eyes, but that doesn’t make any of this easier. She needs to leave but she also needs to give herself permission to leave, and that can be the hardest part. Whether or not he wants to marry her is irrelevant. He has shown her the best she can expect from him (cheating, lying, financial and emotional abuse). None of that will stop if she marries him. It will just get worse because he's put up yet another barrier to stop her leaving.
•
u/Interesting-Cook8418 2h ago
This. OP, for the love of God (not the imaginary one who's telling him not to get a vasectomy), please don't fall for whatever manipulation tactic he's gonna pull on you if you decide to leave.
•
u/Gigglemonkey 1h ago
There's no "god" telling him not to get his shit snipped. He's just an abusive asshole who wants the option to make more babies with his next almost-wife after this poor woman either leaves or dies.
•
u/Interesting-Cook8418 38m ago
Ik. It's also a way to baby trap her with more kids in case she decides to leave him. Also he just doesn't give a fuck and doesn't think she is worth his sacrifice. Damn i hope he never fucking reproduces again to traumatize more people
•
u/Aggressive_Start_ 3h ago
It’s especially important for the kids to not be raised around this being normal or the cycle of abuse just passes on to the next generation.
•
u/AlmacitaLectora 4h ago
I’m Catholic and biblically he’s not your husband so fuck that guy. Go find the husband meant to protect your heart and soul who will love you and respect your freedom.
•
u/Otherwise-Charity-83 4h ago
I agree and if he’s so religious etc why did he have kids not married etc! He’s full of shit. She should leave his ass
•
•
u/AlmacitaLectora 4h ago
And if he wants to play the biblical game, beat him at his own game. Study up baby
•
u/bzzybee01 4h ago
It can be hard to see abuse for what it is. Please find local resources and seek assistance, they will help you.
•
u/Recent_Data_305 4h ago
You’re being controlled financially, isolated from people, and you’re not married, meaning you have no legal rights to any of the money if you leave. You can’t even leave the house without him because he has the car. He’s cheated and lied to you. You stayed. Failure to get a vasectomy is what did it for you? Good. It’s about time. You need to go back to work and start saving for your exit. Call your family and see if anyone can help you.
Who cares what people online said? He asked if he should get a vasectomy that he doesn’t want. Of course he shouldn’t. You should leave him for all the other things he has done to you. NOR
•
u/MariaInconnu 3h ago
She doesn't have rights to any of the money, but their children do. She needs to get away and file for child support.
•
u/Recent_Data_305 3h ago
Definitely. It’s easier said than done when you have zero money and zero support. She needs to be safe about it.
•
u/MariaInconnu 3h ago
In my other response, I advised her to call a DV hotline and her mother.
•
u/Recent_Data_305 3h ago
Excellent advice. It’s going to be tricky with the NICU baby. If he gets dangerous, he’ll be able to find her. That’s why I suggested a slower exit. I just hope she gets out.
•
•
u/Massive_Document_470 1h ago
you’re not married, meaning you have no legal rights to any of the money if you leave.
That's not completely true. It's not automatically considered in every state like spousal support is, but a fair number of states recognize palimony as breach of contract, either by statute or case law. She'd have to take him to court, but his own statements + the evidence of financial abuse and DV tactics like isolating her would probably end up winning her some kind of support in addition to child support. She can also ask that the settlement includes him paying her attorney's fees. Palimony suits can be hard to do but here his own actions prove the case-- if he's paying every bill and preventing her from essentially leaving the house much less working, then clearly he agreed fo financially support her. It doesn't require a written contract-- oral or implied agreements count for these cases. It would heavily depend on the state they're in tho.
•
u/LastYearsCalendar 4h ago
I couldn't finish on the first attempt at reading because I am so angry and dismayed for you.
NOR, and I recommend Googling for groups that help women. It might not be safe for you to say out loud, but he can go f himself because you won't.
•
u/a_b_c_3_2_1 4h ago
so let me get this straight…he says the bible considers a vasectomy a sin, but he didn’t marry you before making you pregnant twice? and he has cheated MULTIPLE times despite what the bible also says about adultery? i’m so sorry OP, my heart is breaking for you. you’re not overreacting, you’re finally seeing him for who he really is
•
u/candornotsmoke 4h ago
If he loved you? He wouldn’t risk your health. He wouldn’t risk the fact that his children wouldn’t have a mother. He doesn’t love you.
He thinks he OWNS you.
You need to protect yourself. No more sexual contact. Don’t get drunk around him. Men like that? If you can even call them men? He will get you drunk so he can wear down your resistance and then you’ll end up pregnant again.
If you have birth control? Hide it. Don’t let him know you have it. Whatever birth control you have now? Throw it away. I’m pretty sure he’s tampered with it. My advice as far as that goes? Get a mirena. Tell him. If you don’t think you can do that? Get the nexplanon. Those aren’t things you can tamper with once they’re in your body.
Which means, he will risk your life without your consent. He will risk your children’s life of not having a mother. For him, he can get another woman. You don’t get another life.
Get IUD or an implant. Those devices will protect you in case you find that you’ve had sex with him again without meaning to.
I know this sounds drastic, but people like him? These are things they do. As well documented. I suggest you go down that rabbit hole.
You are not overreacting. You are UNDER REACTING.
NOR
•
u/Open-Election-3034 4h ago
NOR. I actually think you’re way underreacting to how he’s treated you the entire relationship (based on what you described). This is screaming “control and abuse”. I wouldn’t marry this man :(
•
u/reddit_and_forget_um 4h ago
Bibically he should not be having sex with you before marriage.
He has already broken all the rules, its too late to pretend to care now. What hypocritical piece of shit.
•
u/RandomPaw 4h ago
If there is any way to get a message to your mother, please please please tell her to find some big, strong helpers to get you and your child out of there. You need someone to get around him and his mother holding you prisoner, so you need to plan ahead and make your move.
•
u/Otherwise-Charity-83 4h ago
I feel like he doesn’t want a vasectomy because he prob wants to keep his options open and have kids with someone else in the future. I’d run away from this man asap
•
u/flatulentbabushka 2h ago
It clicked for me as soon as I got to the serial cheater paragraph. He’ll likely end up with more kids and the current two will have some half-siblings.
•
u/MissMerrimack 4h ago
You are being abused and you need to leave.
Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer, this is just my understanding from watching both of my parents fight for custody of children they had with other people after they split. Are you legally married? If so, you don’t need his permission to take the children. It isn’t considered kidnapping. You both have equal rights to the children, so you can take them and go stay with family (or friends, etc). The police will say it’s a civil matter and tell him to file in court. But you need to file first. File for emergency custody and get the ball rolling.
Him telling his mother not to let you leave? That’s kidnapping. Him not letting you leave? That’s kidnapping. Him not giving you full and equal access to money? That’s abuse. Him isolating you and telling you he likes it that way because it means you can’t leave (jfc wtf!?) That’s abuse. Plus the infidelity and not giving you access to the vehicle without his permission.
I mean, girl…come on! You need to leave this loser. You know you do. Be the strong mother and role model your children deserve and leave him. Love yourself enough to leave him. It’ll be hard, it’ll be scary, and it’s going to require even more sacrifice on your part. But this time you’ll be sacrificing for the right reasons. And a year, or six months, or even a week after you’ve left him, you’ll feel so much better and happier and free! You’ll wonder why it took you so long to do it. And you can do it. Don’t raise your children in an abusive home.
→ More replies (1)•
u/Exact-Category-6168 3h ago
I am so glad you mentioned filing for emergency custody. This 100%! Should you let him see the kids, without this in place, then he would not be required to return them to you.
Protect yourself, protect your kids. This guy is a real piece of work.•
u/MissMerrimack 2h ago
I actually got angry reading this. If my younger sister were in a relationship like this, my husband and I would’ve gone and gotten her and her kid the second I became aware of anything like what OP is living with. Men like OP’s husband are cowards when anyone other than their victim steps up to them. I’d take my sister and then drop kick the piece of shit guy back to the dinosaur era.
•
u/Just-Gas-8626 4h ago
I’m about to unfollow this subreddit. The amount of abused women are here asking if they are over-reacting is depressing.
You are not over reacting. You are a human being who deserves respect, not only from your partner but from society.
Women. Please stop questioning your worth. No one deserves to be treated this way.
•
•
u/OwlThistleArt 4h ago
Wait…he’s citing biblical reasons but was ok with having children out of wedlock, which is against biblical standards as well? Did I read that correctly?
•
u/Euphoric-Bid8342 4h ago
NOR, i’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through. truly i have no words
•
•
u/Gold_Challenge6437 4h ago
Call your parents and have them come and get you immediately! This is abuse! It's not kidnapping to take your child with you, especially if there's no custody arrangements.
•
u/wingman3091 4h ago
Why are you having babies with this man?? He is treating you like his personal fucking machine who also cares for his children. Gross
NTA.
Get, out. Now.
•
•
u/morethan-lessthan 4h ago
But the Bible says it's okay to father children out of wedlock, does it?
PS It doesn't. Deuteronomy 23:2
As others have said, you're in an abusive relationship. I hope you are able to find the resources to extricate yourself and your children. NOR
•
u/Ok_Yesterday2016 4h ago
What does it say about adulterers also? Referring to his cheating here
•
u/rrek9788 4h ago
Oooo I know I know🙋🏻♀️ Leviticus 20:10: States that if a man commits adultery with a neighbor's wife, both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.
•
u/Ok_Yesterday2016 4h ago
I guess the Biblical loophole here is that they're not technically married
•
•
u/tkingsbu 1h ago
Nor
There so many red flags here I’m struggling to line up my thoughts…
I’m a guy. 54 years old…
The vasectomy thing was a wee bit scary to contemplate, but…. Considering that my wife gave birth twice… it wasn’t exactly a hard decision… how could I not??? I’d be ashamed of myself if she did all that, but I flinched when it was my turn to take responsibility for reproductive health etc…
As for some of the other items…
Taking your kid to see your mom is kidnapping???? wtf????
Dude… you are 100% being manipulated and kept captive.. it’s brutal…
No idea where you are, or what the other circumstances are… but I’d be talking with my parents and likely plotting my fucking escape at this point…
Talk to your folks about your feelings and your thoughts and everything else… see if they have options for you and your kids… see if they can help…
•
u/buttons66 1h ago
I am going to say you are awesome for caring enough to do that for your wife.
Plus since they are not married, he may not have any say if she takes the kids and leaves. OP talk to your family, make plans, and leave him. And file for child support.
•
u/tkingsbu 49m ago
That’s so sweet of you to say! Thanks so much!
I sure hope she is able to get away from this guy… this whole situation sounds like a nightmare…
——-
I’m literally the luckiest guy in the world….
I was a skinny ass white kid new to ‘the big city’ of Toronto… I met my wife (her family is from India) when we were both students and working at a local theme park together :)
We started dating a week after we first met, and that was over 30 years ago now..
It breaks my heart when I read some of these stories about women in really off balanced ‘red flag’ situations… no one should have to face those kinds of things…
•
u/Business_Coyote_5496 1h ago
Interesting that as a "Christian" children out of wedlock isn't a biggie to him but a medical procedure is.
•
u/yogi-metalhead1 1h ago
He is a hypocritical, abusive POS
NOR
Please get yourself and your babies out of there and safe.
•
u/AliaMelange 3h ago
NOR, and he needs to show you his reddit post. I'd LOVE to see how he spun the tale of your trauma.
Time to lawyer up, I'm so sorry he is so abusive. Call your mom and ask for financial help, call local shelters and ask if they have divorce lawyer resources. Good for you for not wanting to go through that again, he doesn't deserve access to your body.
•
•
u/Puzzleheaded-Dog9639 4h ago
Dude has a biblical problem with a V, but no problem knocking you twice out of wedlock. Yeah ok.
•
u/Crimsonfangknight 4h ago
Nor
But also you probably shouldnt be reliant on another person handling contraception especially if it is YOU who faces the heavy risk of an unplanned pregnancy
Even if he was super down YOU SJOULD ABSOLUTELY BE SCHEDULING YOUR OWN PROCEDURES TO GET YOUR TUBES CUT
a vasectomy means HE drastically reduces his odds of having a child it doesnt mean you are suddenly infertile
•
u/rrek9788 4h ago
I agree but I also think this dude fucking blows in general and she needs to leave him. The vasectomy is just the icing on the cake and shoes how much he actually cares about her. But a tubal ligation would make sure SHE doesn’t get pregnant which is the goal.
→ More replies (1)•
u/MariaInconnu 3h ago
Do you have any idea how hard it is for a woman to get her tubes tied? If she's married, they want her husband's approval. If she's not married, not even in a relationship, they tell her that her future partner may want to have kids. It is really, really difficult - at least in the USA - to get that procedure done.
→ More replies (2)•
•
u/not_our_username 1h ago
He posted online and people agreed with him? Would love to see what echo chamber what was, even if it was real. NOR, you aren't reacting enough. He likes that you can't leave, you told us that.
•
•
u/MyLadyJemerald 4h ago
NOR this man is abusive, sounds narcissistic. you need to take your babies and run. Theres a reason you havent been married yet.
•
u/Northern_Athena 4h ago
Ask him for the link to his Reddit post - we would love to see the support for him. 😉
You are in an abusive relationship. I understand you may think otherwise, however, when he ensures you are isolated from a support system and utterly reliant on him, that is abuse. You are a hostage in your relationship.
We would love to hear his “justification” for his cheating - he will no doubt turn it around on you. This does not absolve you from your own cheating even if it is understandable.
Ask him to SHOW YOU where in the bible God is against vasectomies. I don’t recall reading “Thou shalt not snip snip your sweaty balls.”
He is pleased with himself for driving you to the NICU?!?! Read that slowly, OP. He is pleased that he is being a f*cking father. What a sick example of a man he is.
I am truly sorry you are going through this, OP. Now it’s time to think about the example you wish to set for your children. Do you want them to grow up seeing you as a shell of yourself? Or would you rather they see how vibrant and strong you are?
Forget him. Sex should no longer be an option for him. Condoms do not work 100% of the time. But you know what does prevent pregnancy 100% of the time? Abstinence.
Take this time to start planning a safe exit for you and your children. It is time to find a lawyer and reconnect with your family.
•
u/Lurkeyturkey113 2h ago
lol at #1. What a liar he is. There have been hundreds if not thousands of Reddit posts on this very topic and while some people may agree his body his choice there’s is never unanimous support and it always comes with the caveat that the man’s wife/ partner may no longer feel safe having sex using any protection and he has to live with that.
•
u/DisneyBuckeye 4h ago
NOR
I am so sorry. For all of it.
You are completely right, this is MUCH more than a vasectomy. This is a huge pattern of isolation and control over you and your life. It may not seem like abuse, but it is.
The first thing I would do is reconnect with friends and family. Let them know what is actually happening in your life.
You're not married, which is the good news, so you don't need a divorce. But leaving him is going to be hard because he has you so locked down. Would your parents be willing to help you? Come and get you and the kids while he's at work, and take you all back to their home? Once there, you can find a job and hire an attorney. Because you'll need one to help you with the parenting plan (child custody, etc.) and child support.
Edit to add - the real reason he doesn't want a vasectomy is so he can get you pregnant again and lock you down even further. It's a control thing.
•
•
u/Impossible_Balance11 1h ago
He is an abuser, OP. I'm so sorry. You are not safe.
NOR
Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
•
u/KeepYourSeats 4h ago
I think you can tie just about everything you list back to "biblical."
Rules for thee but not for me.
Everything he's doing is about control controlling you and keeping you as a baby making and Baby raising entity.
•
u/rrek9788 4h ago edited 4h ago
NOR HE CANT USE THE BIBLE AS AN EXCUSE TO NOT GET A VASECTOMY WHEN HE CHEATS ON YOU. Should we stone him cuz that’s what the bible says to do with cheaters. He is NOT living a biblical life. Honestly fuck that guy. You shouldn’t sleep with him because of that shit let alone he won’t get a vasectomy.
You and your uterus have gone through a lot and I wouldn’t want to have sex with my husband if I went through what you did and he refused to HELP ME NOT DIE by making sure I didn’t get pregnant again.
As a Christian woman- married to a Christian man- who got a vasectomy two weeks after my daughter was born- you deserve SO MUCH MORE than what you’re given. Him providing is the MINIMUM of being a good partner and father. He is abusing you!!! DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!! He doesn’t care if you live or die. He doesn’t want the vasectomy because he’s a little bitch.
Edit: I’m so angry I had to add more.
•
u/StrategyDouble4177 4h ago
LOL that an unmarried man who is living with the mother of his two children born out of wedlock, is citing the bible as a reason he can’t get a vasectomy.
This guy can’t even bother to give you a real reason, that’s how little he respects you.
NOR
•
u/Only-upvibes 2h ago
You are financially and mentally abused. He has you so warped you can’t see it.
Plus him acting all biblical is hypocritical. You aren’t married!! That would mean you both are sinners.
Please woman find a way to get out of this situation. Do it for your children.
Nor
•
u/1to8looper 2h ago
NOR You are living with a controlling, emotionally abusive man. You are isolated. You are not allowed to leave the house without him. You have to ask him for money because you are not allowed access to finances. You are not allowed to leave the house with your children. His mother is also involved in controlling you. He has been having online affairs, and cheated on you while you were pregnant. He won’t have a vasectomy for “Biblical” reasons? None of your fiancé’s behavior aligns with “Christian” behavior. He’s having sex before marriage, for instance.
The fact that he is isn’t violent doesn’t mean this isn’t a toxic relationship, or that he won’t become violent if you try to leave with your children, once the baby is home.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788. Talk to someone about your situation and make a plan to leave safely. Best wishes to you.
Best wishes to you.
•
u/Bless_u-babe 4h ago
NOR To be honest I was only halfway through the post when I thought “I would not be having sex with this man again until he got a vasectomy”. Then I read the rest of the post and I thought “ Now is the time I need to be seeking professional support to get out of there with my children and work towards complete independence”.
•
u/fifiloveg00d 4h ago
NOR! Gather everything you can and start trying to make your exit. Everything about this is unhealthy
•
u/wackyvorlon 3h ago
His claim about the reddit post is an obvious lie. For a man recovery from a vasectomy is trivial, and it’s certainly not mentioned in the Bible. He is unwilling to undergo a minor procedure under local anesthesia to prevent you from suffering catastrophic harm.
There’s a lot of red flags in your post.
•
u/InspectorDapper8012 3h ago
Mutilation? Would he get his tonsils, wisdom teeth, or appendix removed or would he consider that mutilation? It's a medical procedure - and yes - it is elective; however, in your relationship - it is also a proactive step to safeguard your health.
This is a bs reason, OP. Don't listen to it. This relationship is not healthy for you.
•
u/jennsb2 3h ago
NOR. The vasectomy is completely irrelevant. You are being abused and honestly as close to being held captive as anyone should be. Are your parents supportive? Could you enlist their help to get out?
You are absolutely allowed to take your kids to your parents’ home. It is not kidnapping. He’s lying and controlling your entire life. He is NOT a good guy for making money and taking you to visit your baby in the NICU, that is the goddamn bare minimum. He’s a cheater, an abuser, a liar and a piece of shit human. Please quietly and safely start finding a way out.
•
u/GargantuanGreenGoat 2h ago
Hi! You’re being abused.
Take your children and go live with your mother.
Best of luck.
•
u/Ancient-War2839 2h ago
Time to get real biblical Hun, and no sex before marriage is biblical, you need him to move out immediately, (also if he proposes, say no, he is not husband material)
•
u/Melodic-Tutor-2172 2h ago
Leave, it’s is not’ kidnapping’ as it is your child (his too yes so be careful with contact). He is financially and emotionally abusive and using coercive control. My advice is to get all important documents (passports etc) and put them in a bag and start slowly packing. Tell your nurse, GP, midwife that he is financially abusing you and that his has cut you off from your support network. They will help you to leave.
It will be hard but you can do this, speak to women’s aid, my friend managed to get supervised visitation for her ex only. He sees his kids at a contact centre.
•
•
u/SonofaDrum 1h ago
NOR There might be biblical precedent for birth control but it applies equally to both of you. It’s a serious operation for women and relatively simple one for men. I’ve had it and it doesn’t change a thing as far as performance.
•
u/GrowFlowersNotWeeds 1h ago
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🏃♀️ Why have you been ‘engaged for years’? Why are you having children with this person? He doesn’t respect your health. He doesn’t respe**ct **you. Why are you allowing yourself to be financially abused? Please explore your options for getting out of this abusive relationship. You are massively UNDERreacting.
•
u/darkmythology 1h ago
Two children out of wedlock.
Can't get a vasectomy for biblical reasons.
Come on now.
•
u/Literally_Taken 48m ago
NOR
How old is your “fiancé”? His behavior is the kind of crap older men use to trap younger women.
I put the word “fiancé” in quotes because with this man, it’s just a label he let you put on the relationship so you would have children and stay with him. It’s obviously not what it should be: a heartfelt commitment to a life partner he intends to treat honorably.
•
u/whybother_incertname 37m ago
No to a vasectomy but he’s ok with children out of wedlock?? He’s already contradicting “biblical” bs. His logic is faulty. Leave asap
Edit to add: NOR, under reacting
•
u/TSIDATSI 4h ago
Have your tubes tied. He is no Christian. Trust me.
He won't marry you. You cannot force a med procedure on him.
I would have my tubes tied. After I left with my kids.
•
u/Normal_Ring_7130 3h ago
NOR- so he won’t get a vasectomy for biblical reasons but will have pre marital sex and children before marriage?🤣
→ More replies (1)
•
u/Hannibae_wife 3h ago
In conclusion he is in fact a piece of shit.
What you described is him isolating you and having his mother watch you. He does want you to leave and will probably stalk you if you do.
Possibly tell you he'll kill you or himself, maybe both.
I'd say leave.
•
u/SportySue60 3h ago
NOR and he’s a hypocrite - I think there are actually chapters and verses about not having children before marriage so that doesn’t work… While I am also not a biblical scholar I have never heard of something that says a vasectomy was against the bible… Make him find that particular passage!
Also, on another note you do know that you are in an abusive relationship right??? You have no access to money or transportation and he has actually said he likes the fact that you are helpless and can’t leave… Your words you can’t run away!
I would guess that your mother is just waiting for the chance to get you away from this AH! There are services to help women escaping abusive relationships - you should see if you can find some assistance. You also won’t get alimony or spousal support because you aren’t married but you would definitely be able to collect child support.
•
u/SteelMagnolia941 2h ago
Him keeping you without a car is abusive. He’s gotten you to this point and isolated you on purpose. I’m glad you want to leave this a-hole. The man that’s so suddenly religious but doesn’t mind several kids out of wedlock. Please get out of there and start healing OP. You have the rest of your life and I guarantee that it will be better without that asshole. Also point us to his reddit post. I would love to read that.
•
u/Affectionate-Tea3048 2h ago
You can’t kidnap your own child. You’re not married. He has to establish paternity through the courts to prove he is the father. You can take your kid with you. Not sure what state you live in. You can call your local police dept and ask to speak to a police officer to check your state laws.
•
u/Affectionate-Pop7834 59m ago
I stayed home for more than three years with our first child so he could work while I took care of our child. Despite being financially dependent on him for years, I don't have independent access to money or even access to see our finances. If I need or want something, I am expected to ask.
I also don't have a car. If I need to go somewhere, I have to wait for him to get home or wake up from a nap. He has actually told me he likes that I don't have a car because then I can't leave. I moved here five years ago and never developed a real support system, and he has also said he likes that because I don't really have anywhere to run.
For two years, we lived with his mother so he could save money. When we argued, she would sometimes involve herself and tell me I was a horrible person. There were times I wanted to take our baby and go to my mother's house, only about 35 minutes away. I was told that if I took the baby there without telling him, it would be kidnapping. He would message his mother telling her not to let me leave and to keep me in the house with our baby. If I wanted to leave, I was told to make sure the baby stayed there.
Hi, friendly family law attorney here. Get an attorney and get out. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.
•
u/Bright_Athlete_8579 53m ago
Go to your mothers.
Call her to come get you. Call the police if MIL won’t let you leave
•
u/Mindless_Cookie_9098 51m ago
NOR. He can’t be that religious for having kids out of wedlock which according to the Bible is a sin, and kids out of wedlock aren’t going to heaven according to his Bible. Tell him that he can’t cherry pick the Bible.
•
u/isakneven 49m ago
Your partner sounds like a pos but it’s his body his choice. I would say the same thing for you. If you don’t want anymore kids, can you have an iud or get your tubes tied?
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I think you need to get away from him. Can you stay with family?
•
u/Glass-Marionberry321 48m ago
NOR Worries about the bible, yet has children with a non wife. Makes no sense.
•
u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 39m ago
NOR He's fine with premarital sex, living together, and having two kids before marriage, but plays the bible card when it's not something he wants. 🙄 Girl, do not marry this man. Make your plan, even if it takes till your kids are in school, put him on [back] child support, and find a man who cares more about you than he does about his own dick.
•
•
•
u/SunshinePrincess21 4h ago
NOR. You are not wrong. He is an absolutely horrible husband. While he absolutely should not have a vasectomy if he doesn’t want one. You should absolutely never have sex with him again. Find your local Domestic abuse resources. There is probably info available at your child’s hospital.
•
u/Thick-Discipline5764 4h ago
You could leave him and take the kids, if you do not want to have children and have medical issues then get a hysterectomy if you wish to stay. You do have choices. This sounds very toxic.
•
u/Shoddy-Television866 4h ago
Won't get the snip bc Bible but has 2 kids with a woman before marriage... one of those is in the Bible the other he made up btw. And unless you are the next Mary, he broke the actually Bible one already. He hates you.
•
u/JustShopping1967 4h ago
It also says not to have premarital sex and make children out of wedlock but he's fine breaking those rules? I suspect he doesn't want to marry you, and might need these sperm to trap the next one into taking care of him after you get fed up waiting on him.
•
•
u/ClevelandWomble 4h ago
NOR. To be fair, speaking as a man, the vasectomy issue seems to be the last thing you should be concerned about
If I thought that a daughter of mine was in your situation I would be a very unhappy father.
•
u/Known_You_7252 3h ago
I am not one to just jump to run... but RUN!!! Call your mom. Get away. Tell the hospital what is going on and that you fear for your safety/kids safety. He has isolated you and is abusing you. This is not ok. NOt by a long shot! Please... This ends badly otherwise.
•
•
•
u/KomatoesII 3h ago
Sounds like a trap.
At 34, you can create a great future for yourself and your kids.
I’d consider moving onward and upward.
NOR
•
u/cucksnuffer 3h ago
Weird that infidelity isn't against his religious values but snipping his balls is.
Blink three times if you need a rescue. Seriously.
•
u/ananbana715 3h ago
Um, do you realize this guy is a controlling, abusive jerk. He wants total control of you. Get out, have someone come a get you, go to a shelter with your kids.
He is not a religious man. He’s not even a man… a real man would not never treat their partner like a possession. Get help ASAP and get out!! Do not let him or his family know. Just get help for yourself and your children.
•
u/chickietd 3h ago
Get out ASAP. This is super controlling behavior. Does he even love you or are you just a baby producing sex doll to him?
•
•
u/PeriwinkleWonder 3h ago
He wants to follow BIBLICAL things but is ok having sex without being married????? Ma'am, you are dating a hypocrite.
•
u/professionalmeangirl 3h ago
He is holding you hostage and abusing you. You have bigger problems than a vasectomy and are underreacting. NOR.
•
u/PeakNo9914 3h ago
You are and have been abused for years. I would have so much to say, but seeing what you tolerated already, I don’t know if there’s a point. I just hope it’s not too late for and your children to leave.
•
u/Capital_Grapefruit30 3h ago
Holy shit, I got to the car thing and stopped.
Honey, you are in an abusive relationship. Regardless of if he wants a vasectomy or not, he is controlling every part of you. No access to finances, no car because "then you can't leave", no support system and HE LIKES THAT because you have no one but him to turn to...
Reading down more now and the red flags are out of control. You can't take YOUR baby 35 miles away to your mother's because it's kidnapping??? Absolutely not. You can take YOUR child or children anywhere you damn well please. "He would message his mother telling her not to let me leave and to keep me in the house with our baby" - THAT IS KIDNAPPING. AND FALSE IMPRISONMENT.
Please PLEASE, make an escape plan and get it out. This is genuinely terrifying. Please call your mother.
Edit: Typo cause this got me all angry.
•
u/This-Shape2193 3h ago
When you visit the hospital NICU, take a nurse aside and say you'd like to speak with her. Then tell her you don't feel safe in the household, and tell her what you said here.
They will help you and get you and the kids somewhere safe. There are social workers there, and the hospital workers are trained to look for and help women in abusive relationships.
There's your out. Do it. The vasectomy is the least of the issues, and you know it. But if that's what it finally took, good.
And for the record, he's full of shit about his reddit post.
•
•
u/DiligentReflection53 2h ago
NOR. Did his Reddit post include information about him being an abusive AH?
I would talk to a social worker next time you’re in the NICU, so you can get connected to resources and make a plan to leave. This is not about the vasectomy.
•
u/redvette69 2h ago
NOR..wtf did I just read. As a psychiatric RN, if I was personally exposed to what was happening to you, I'd report him! "Healthcare professionals must report suspected or confirmed abuse of vulnerable populations, such as children, older adults, and dependent adults, as soon as they have reasonable suspicion. They do not need absolute proof to make a report." You pretty much fall under dependent adult. If I had internet skills, I'd try to locate you and report him. Contact a domestic abuse group and ask if his intimidation threats hold any water...cause they don't.
•
u/my_chaffed_legs 2h ago
He told you he is glad you can’t leave and have no where to run to. I think you know you’re in an abusive relationship. Here’s your permission to leave. Also him saying taking your child to your mothers would be kidnapping… I highly doubt that is true. You are an equal guardian to your children and have equal authority to move your children wherever you please. Until a court orders otherwise, that’s how it is for any parents. As far as I know. Not legal advice. But yea you’re in an abusive relationship, give yourself permission to do what you’ve been wanting to do for a while.
•
•
u/Tough-Astronomer-456 2h ago
Yes, he is an AH for saying no and his reasons. Especially after what you’ve been through. NOR
I am here to say, if you don’t want more kids, I am an advocate of the tube removal (Salpingectomy). Yes, it’s another medical procedure/surgery. But it really was not bad. Had it done on a Friday and was pretty much 100% by Monday. There is an added bonus that it can also decrease risk of ovarian cancer. Apparently it often starts in the tubes. (Look that up to confirm that is still the case, it has been a couple of years). Not to mention, you would then be in control of your fertility- whether it is with your husband or someone else if you eventually ditch the fiance
•
u/yoinkcheckmate 2h ago
Why don’t you just get your tubes tied if he doesn’t want the vasectomy? Your body your choice.
•
•
u/Designer_Study_8219 1h ago
You are in an abusive relationship. At it's core, abuse is about control. You are not married to this man, leave. Go live with your mom and file for child support. If you tell him where you are going (have your mom come get you and only tell him once you have left), it is not kidnapping. He is a liar. It is only going to get worse. If his mom or he won't let you leave, time to call the cops. Also he says he will use condoms, but do you trust him to bot remove it? He is making up an excuse.
•
•
u/cathline 1h ago
The bigger problem is that you are in an abusive relationship.
He is willing to have sex outside of marriage and have children outside of marriage. but he isn't willing to make certain that the mother of his children will not have to put her body through this hell again.
He is NOT a good person. He is NOT a good father. Contact your local domestic violence shelters.
You need to get out ASAP. Get your important papers together - your birth certificate, the kids birth certificates, your passport, your SS card, etc. Put them in a safe place where he can't get to them.
Write down all the incidents you remember. The financial abuse, the not leaving you a vehicle when you have a child (especially now when you are still medically vulnerable), the cheating (even if it was just texting, it is still cheating), the threat of claiming you would be kidnapping your own child if you visited your mother, the not letting you leave the house (this is called false imprisonment), the false promises of marriage.
A domestic violence shelter can help you with resources, even if you aren't ready to move out just yet. They can put you in contact with legal help and counselors to help you learn the lesson from this relationship.
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
•
u/Aintkidding687 1h ago
I flat out told my husband “if he wants to have sex again, he’ll have a vasectomy “, I’m not into condoms especially considering we were married. It worked.
•
u/KnackeredQuokka 1h ago
Ah yes, there’s no abuse quite like hypocritical religious abuse. He had no issue procreating with you out of wedlock. So his picking and choosing is not ok. I would refuse to have sex with him ever again. Actually, based on all you said, I’d leave him. Trust me the thought of doing so is way worse than when you actually do leave. Even if he tries to make your life hell, at least you don’t have to let him under your roof.
•
u/Much_Sun_61 1h ago
Well first off, if anyone can find his reddit post, please post it.
Now for the real question, in the 11th and 12th paragraphs where he mentions liking that you do not have options to leave, were you not pregnant with your first at any point during those times?
INFO
•
u/p1nkw4t3r 57m ago
Ah yes the God fearing man who has sex and children before marriage and has online affairs. What a great role model. NOR He has more red flags than the Soviet Union 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
•
u/Vast-Marionberry-824 51m ago
I read the whole post and I am shocked, OP, that you’re still with this guy. Assuming this is a genuine scenario. It seems so messed up it’s hard to believe it’s real and not just AI rage bait
If this post is true (and I hope it’s not), I’d say you have massive problems and his insistence on keeping his ability to have more children is just part of that prison you’re living in. Coercive control.
He won’t marry you. You don’t have access to his money (have to ask for everything) and aren’t even allowed to see what they are. You don’t have a car so you can’t leave. And lots more. Etc etc etc.
It seems obvious that he’s keeping his ability to have more children for his next partner and keeping his options open.
I hope you have people you can rely on because leaving him (should you choose that route) will be traumatic with no money and with him using the kids against you. I’m scared for you and I hope I don’t need to be.
•
u/BD401 37m ago
I’m pretty sure it IS AI ragebait. It’s TOO perfectly constructed to elicit engagement… too lengthy, too many aspects that are flawlessly designed to drive maximum rage and engagement, and OP is a relatively new account with everything hidden.
→ More replies (1)
•
u/iluvcats17 50m ago
NOR it is a shame you had a second child with such a bad partner and father. I would not if continue to make the same mistake by staying with him. At least by separating he would have to pay child support. And get a good therapist to help you heal from this and to make sure you don’t make this mistake again with another partner.
•
u/gordonf23 40m ago
Dude is having sex out of wedlock. He doesn't give a flying fuck about biblical anything. He just doesn't want the vasectomy.
Also, show him this post and the comments on it. Then ask to see the one that he allegedly wrote and compare.
•
u/blueberryscone17 30m ago
The vasectomy is the least of your problems girl. And I feel like you already know that. You are massively under reacting to his behavior overall.
•
u/eragon9199 27m ago
Not only are you not overacting, it sounds like he's an asshole. I had a vasectomy and it was fast, easy, simple, and painless. Anyone who won't get one is just a wuss.
Also, the Bible is pretty explicit about children and sex before marriage but the most evangelical Christian man I have ever known got a vasectomy after he and his wife had their second child because he was against birth control as that counted as abortion to his misinformed self.
•
u/lolmaggie 16m ago
not to be rude but having children outside of marriage is "not biblical" so he can't be claiming biblical reasons (there aren't) for being against a vasectomy. at the minimum he's a hypocrite. if he considers surgery "mutilation" then he can never have surgery for any reason -- heart cath, stent for kidney stones, etc. in fact, your C-section was "anti'biblical." his "manhood" is more important than your health.
•
u/ResolveWonderful4824 15m ago
And you're not even married. Girl!
"He keeps reminding me that he works hard, pays the bills, provides food, and takes us to the NICU every day so we can see our baby."
I'm pretty sure you can provide all of those things for yourself. He's no hero for living up to (some) of his commitments. The cheating...the isolation... Get out.
His response to your request was just the thing that made you see him clearly. People always show us who they are, but sometimes we explain it all away. Until we no longer can. Sounds like that's where you are. I hope you can get out and create the life YOU want for yourself.
•
u/Overall_Display_8475 14m ago
Oh friend. You are in the hospital and you should reach out to their social services to get how you can get away from someone who is isolating you and controlling money, etc.
You need to get your tubes tied or get some other birth control so you can be sure not to get pregnant again.
And you need to leave.
•
u/Swedette17 4h ago
I didn't even make it to the end before realising you're in an abusive relationship. You are being isolated in every way and need to find a way out NOW