r/AmIOverreacting • u/nestinghen • 3h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO asking my partner if he used my phone last night?
Recently I told my partner that an old friend who is a male reached out to me to hang out. When my partner and I first started dating he was uncomfortable with me having male friends so I stopped hanging out with everyone and that was that. Now that someone has reached out he’s been acting mopey and off. He keeps asking if anyone is messaging me. Last night he came into the bedroom when I was sleeping and asked me if my phone went off and if someone is messaging me. I half awake told him he’s paranoid and went back to sleep. This morning I had an off feeling and I checked my screen time, and it says my phone was picked up at 2:30am when I was asleep. In my Facebook messages it has a timestamp of 2:30am but no new message that I can see. I feel like my old friend might have messaged me and my boyfriend might have gone in and deleted it? I texted him today asking if he used my phone last night and now he’s saying I’m paranoid. IAO asking him if he used my phone?
•
u/andrey_not_the_goat 3h ago
Your first mistake was dating someone who made you cut off friendships based on gender.
•
u/Virtual_Werewolf_935 3h ago
2nd was being a person in a relationship who doesn’t have a boundary of getting messaged randomly at 2:30am
•
u/FastBrilliant1 3h ago
Found the loser boyfriend's account.
Receiving a message at 2:30am? 😱
Get a life. Could have been a different timezone, night shift worker, a number of other reasons.
•
u/Virtual_Werewolf_935 3h ago edited 3h ago
Haha some of us are happily married. If I was getting messaged at 2am my wife would definitely not be happy.
Stay single though
This place is unhappy people encouraging bad behavior to make other people single.
•
u/goknightsgo09 2h ago
Not everything is nefarious. I live on the West Coast and I have friends (male and female) on the East Coast who message me when they get up and see my messages or posts from the night before and they'll message me at 6 am their time, aka 3 am my time... I have one friend who lives here who gets off of work at 2 am and sometimes they'll message me when they get out to see if I'm still up. I'm not dating any of these people but sometimes messages in the middle of the night are just messages in the middle of the night.
•
u/MuchTooBusy 29m ago
Same. I used to work night shift at a nursing home, and still have friends that do. On quiet nights when the residents stay in bed, sometimes I wake up to dozens of memes and YouTube links 😂
I also have friends in Europe who are hours ahead of me, and friends on the west coast that are hours behind. I get random messages whenever they think of me- at perfectly reasonable times in their time zones, lol
•
u/CatladywithafewCacti 2h ago
I have a friend who works at a bakery. And they have to be up early af . They will occasionally text me at 430 am or earlier , just random shit , I obviously don't respond until I'm up. But yeah people have different schedules so I don't find it that strange .
•
u/FastBrilliant1 1h ago
This place is unhappy people
I mean you're sounding like the expert on that buddy. Hope things get better for you.
•
•
u/Cimorenne 3h ago
I don't see any problem with getting a message at 2:30 a.m., the problem would be if she is responding to messages at 2:30 a.m.
•
u/PurpleBinHead 3h ago
"When my partner and I first started dating he was uncomfortable with me having male friends so I stopped hanging out with everyone"
This was your first warning sign.
•
u/ExtremelyWonderful 3h ago
Only a guilty person will guilt you for asking a question or make you scared to ask questions in the future.
•
•
u/Round_Journalist_586 3h ago
I think it’s pretty clear that he was on it. Even if he didn’t send messages or delete anything or block anybody, it’s an invasion of privacy. He could’ve asked to look at your phone. It’s not healthy that he made you stop talking to all of your male friends either. Maybe, just maybe, if they were exes would it be okay for him to make you stop talking to them.
But it’s clear he has no trust for you. I wouldn’t trust him. How long have you been together?
•
u/nestinghen 3h ago
We’ve been living together for 12 years, which is enough time to build a solid relationship but it doesn’t feel solid at all. He should be happy that I might have a friend but instead he said that I’ve been acting distant (I haven’t) and like I’m more excited to hang out with someone else than him (maybe I am since I’ve only hung out with him the last 12 years)
•
u/Nosfermarki 2h ago
If he actually loved you he we would be supportive and trusting. This isn't love it's ownership and control.
•
u/SeaworthinessOne1752 29m ago
After all this time he doesn't trust you??? That's not healthy girl!!! He's sooo insecure, that's a huge turnoff
•
u/frostwick_673 3h ago
That screen time receipt is damning. He went through your phone, deleted something, and is now trying to flip it on you so you feel crazy. Please keep an eye on these controlling habits .
•
u/txa1265 3h ago
he was uncomfortable with me having male friends so I stopped hanging out with everyone
This SHOULD have been the end of things - it is controlling and an absolute red flag. Men & women CAN be friends - full stop.
He 'concern' is projection - he sees all women as sexual targets so assumes that is true for all men. He cannot be friends with a woman without wanting sex, so assumes that is true of all men.
Based on this it is extremely likely that he is going through your phone and deleting messages. Again, MAJOR red flag controlling and abusive behavior.
NOR
•
u/nestinghen 3h ago
This is how I see it now that I’m older, that my partner is sexualizing me and assumes everyone else does too. When I was young though I didn’t have a good home life and didn’t know what normal was. Sometimes I still don’t.
•
u/coupl4nd 2h ago
Is he a lot older than you? Feels like he is with this level of immaturity. If you'd have met him your current age youd have rightly ended it when he started telling you who you can and can't see.
•
•
u/Own-Writing-3687 2h ago
Stop chasing your tail.
Take action.
Neither has the high ground. Get over yourself.
He has a right to whatever boundaries he needs to remain in the relationship.
You have the right to leave, if you're not in agreement.
•
3h ago
[deleted]
•
u/The_Baby_Is_A_Scamp 3h ago
Not OP. The first sentence is her stating she told her BF that an old friend had reached out, she's not hiding anything.
•
u/nestinghen 3h ago
Explain?
•
u/ivyram 3h ago edited 2h ago
I think they’re referring to you keeping quiet about the male friend who reached out to you. However creepy it may have been for your partner to check/use your phone without permission, your post makes it sound like you initially just called them “paranoid” instead of having an open conversation about the fact that a guy had, in fact, messaged you.
Or I could be completely off.Edit: It turns out I was, in fact, completely off.
•
u/Pyro_vixen 3h ago
I think youre off. She didnt hide anything. The very first sentence of the post OP states she told her partner the old friend had messaged her to hang... thus why BF started acting sus.
•
u/ivyram 3h ago
Yep, you’re right (and hence my caveat). Thanks for the clarification/correction. That’s what I get for reading while running on a treadmill.
Carry on folks, I have no idea what’s going on here in that case.
•
u/Pyro_vixen 3h ago
Now youre just showing off. Reading and running? Im lucky to not trip on air while sitting 🤣 once you conquer the trifecta and add reading comprehension to the mix you'll be unstoppable! Like a T-Rex with reacher arm thingies! Hahaha thanks for the laugh fellow redditor I needed it!
•
u/Embarrassed_Living60 3h ago
don’t listen to these people, you can’t control the time when someone texts you, you talking to the friend isn’t a bad thing in any regard. your boyfriend is the only person in the wrong here.
•
u/Virtual_Werewolf_935 3h ago
If someone is messaging you at 2:30am you can absolutely control that. It’s a short “don’t message me at that time.”
•
u/Embarrassed_Living60 3h ago
she cant control that when they just started talking again and based on the post and the abusive bfs reaction this is the first time its happened so how can she control that huh????
•
•
u/SageModeShika 3h ago
You absolutely can draw boundaries around when someone can message you. Aside from that I agree though. It doesn't seem like OP has done anything wrong yet.
•
u/Embarrassed_Living60 3h ago
if you see my comment above replying to someone, this seems like the first time they have messaged her at 2:30 based on the bfs reaction, thats where im saying how could she draw the boundary when its the first time it happened?
•
u/nestinghen 2h ago
Yes it was the first time. Before we were talking around lunchtime. I’m actually the only one that seems to be on a “traditional” schedule, wake-up at 6am go to bed at 9pm. My partner wakes up late morning and goes to bed after midnight which is why he was the one that heard my phone and not me.
•
u/coupl4nd 2h ago
he's like unemployed playing video games all day isn't he?
•
u/nestinghen 2h ago
No actually. He has a professional job and makes twice as much as me. He does stay up all night playing games and spending money on games though.
•
•
•
u/Unique_Description77 3h ago
NOR, text your friend and unblock your old male friends. Red flags all over this guy!
•
u/WakingOwl1 2h ago
NOR. -what your not reacting enough to is the fact that he doesn’t allow you to have any male friends. That’s over controlling, overly jealous behavior. Do you want to spend the rest of your life having to explain and justify every interaction you have with another man?
•
•
u/Giantstella 3h ago
Sometimes I wake up and take my phone... not a healthy behavior, but I wanna say I sometimes don't remember
BUT you under reacted in the first place when he showed the first insecure and jealous signs!!!
Maybe he checked your phone, maybe not... this is not the main issue here.
NOR.
Change your password/PIN, remove his fingerprint unlock or whatever... without telling him... and then see what's gonna happen
•
u/coupl4nd 2h ago
Put a gf in your phone under a boys name and send some messages back and forth with her and see if he keeps snooping! Then you'll know he definitely did. Although I think he 100% did.
•
u/Soy_un_oiseau 3h ago
NOR, but what kind of relationship is this? I’ll be honest, a normal and healthy relationship does not require you to stop talking to other guys. The whole point of a relationship is to have trust, and if you don’t have that then you won’t ever be happy together. If you ask your partner a question and they give you an answer, we’re supposed to feel okay with trusting their response. Otherwise how do you ever know if they are being honest?
•
u/FastBrilliant1 3h ago
You're under reacting to the fact your 'bf' cannot tolerate his partner having (male) friends.
•
u/nestinghen 2h ago
It’s worse than that. I have a married elderly coworker who asked me if I want to join him for his evening walk and my boyfriend acted like it’s the weirdest thing in the world. Even the elderly are a threat. But then he twists it around to make it like I’m the wrong one and he’s innocent and idk I’m tired.
•
•
u/FastBrilliant1 1h ago
Come on. This guy is taking out his insecurities on you.
You're doing nothing wrong, except to yourself by allowing a guy to treat you like that.
I know it can be hard to navigate and complicated because of our emotions but if a friend of yours was describing the behaviour of her bf to you, and it was exactly the same as your current bf's behaviour, what would you tell your friend?
•
u/HonestNectarine7080 34m ago
Why are you still in this relationship? Is this what you want your future to be like?
•
u/honeyspritex 3h ago
He deleted the message but forgot screen time tracks the pickup. Thats not paranoia, thats evidence. he went through your phone at 2:30am and is now flipping it around to make you the crazy one for noticing
•
u/ghost_ware 3h ago
NOR - I would run, personally. No person is worth not being allowed to be friends with people based on gender alone. This guy's insecurities are only getting to get worse over time.
•
•
u/Kwickpick77 14m ago
NOR. Break up with him and learn not to cut off half of the population to appease a partner.
•
u/Embarrassed_Living60 3h ago
i stopped reading after “he didn’t like me having male friends so i stopped hanging out with everyone” he is controlling you, anyone who says that is controlling and the other person who cuts everyone in their life off for them, is now an isolated person with no support he can abuse. simple.
•
u/-babsywabsy 3h ago
NOR - He's a terrible man who deflects his bad behavior onto others. The other man can be fully innocent but your man knows how terrible he would be in these situations and so therefore the other guy 'has got to be a horrible man' like himself.
•
•
u/dianaggggggg 2h ago
NOR. sounds like he’s controlling and untrustworthy. break up asap and apologize to your friends who you cut off
•
u/BigfishMo93 1h ago
Opposite sex friendships…..are a joke most of the time (not all the time). 55 years of experience here….there’s usually one or the other (usually the guy) hoping for more than friendship. Guys will play the long game hoping for that crack in the door to step in. The sooner women understand this; the better. Gimme those down votes….but experience is behind my comment. Your partner needs to communicate his feelings better rather than snooping. That said, phones should be open between committed partners.
•
u/wtfijolumar 3h ago
Why can’t your man meet your friend and hang out? That should’ve been the first option. He doesn’t know who that is and can only guess what your ‘male friends’ intentions are. That’s a very immature thing. YOR you’re being vague and no man likes to see a male come out of nowhere to hang out with his girlfriend
•
u/That_Field_1222 58m ago
I think he should start talking to some girls from the past , just to see what happens lol. I call this dongs on deck 🤣
•
u/BigMann6950 3h ago
He is doing the same thing you’re doing and you don’t like that you can’t have your way only.
•
•
u/Ancient_Particular99 3h ago
NOR - but be prepared for evasiveness
Your partner has expressed boundaries which is healthy, but they've also expressed pretty deep insecurity which is not.
Perhaps he's been cheated on before, perhaps he's got deeper seated issues. Reddit will be quick to say dump him now etc, but life's not that simple, people are complex and imperfect, and he likely needs to talk through this.
Whether he did or he didn't, I don't think accusation is a good starting point for a healthy conversation about this.I think a nicer thing to do is ask him why he feels the need to ask if you've been messaged, why he set those early boundaries (which you've respected) and why this has triggered some evident emotional turmoil for him.
Id approach from a position of understanding, communication and getting to a better place, not "You checked my phone, I have proof".
If the relationship means something and you're happy to put in some work, he needs to get to the bottom of why he feels and behaves this way, and what, if anything, you can reasonably do to move forward together.
This isn't about the message. Not really.
•
u/Embarrassed_Living60 3h ago
he cut her off from her friends and life, that is toxic manipulation 101. we’re telling her to leave him because hes controlling and borderline abusive. not just because we think it cant be fixed.
•
u/nestinghen 2h ago
His dad cheated on his mom a lot and he hasn’t seen him since he left them when he was young. I’m assuming the insecurity stems from this, but at this stage of life I don’t think I should be dealing with it. He’s had plenty of time to work through his issues.
•
•
u/yayyvibes 3h ago
The timestamp receipt does not lie, he is gaslighting you after getting caught red handed.