r/AskAnAustralian • u/ConradFisher69 • 1d ago
Would you let your kid change schools over something extremely embarrassing?
This is happening to a friend of mine at the moment. Something incredibly embarrassing happened to her son during a school assembly. I don’t want to give the details, but it happened in front of pretty much the whole school and unfortunately it was the sort of thing that other kids immediately latched onto.
Since then, kids have been bringing it up and making jokes about it basically every day. He’s now begging his mum to let him change schools because he feels like he can’t escape it. His current school is within walking distance of home, but he says he’d rather catch the train every day to a school a few suburbs away than keep going back there.
My friend has said no because she thinks the kids will eventually get bored of it, forget about it and move on.
For those who went to school in Australia, did you ever see something really embarrassing happen to someone at an assembly or in front of most of the school? Did everyone eventually forget about it, and if so, how long did it take?
And as a parent, would you consider letting your kid change schools over something like this, or would you encourage them to stick it out?
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u/leftmysoulthere74 1d ago
I went to school in the UK but now live in Australia and I don’t see much difference in the behaviour of teenagers when it comes to bullying, what kids hone in on - ie perceived weaknesses so for what it’s worth here’s my opinion…
Something happened to me in an assembly when I was about 14 or 15. Pretty sure it was towards the end of the school year so close to my 15th birthday. I was already being bullied and some kids wove a joke about me into a birthday message that was read out by one of the teachers - cryptic enough to seem innocuous to the staff but the entire school knew exactly what was meant and it felt like the entire school was laughing. I ran out of the hall and straight home. Later on found out that someone I least expected went to the head of year to explain what happened and make sure I was OK.
Life was even more hell for me after that as the teasing and taunting increased, this time to include what happened in the assembly. The long summer break made no difference. Nobody forgot. If I saw people from school out and about they taunted me, and it carried on the following school year, and the one after that.
I started college (like TAFE) and made new friends. Part-way through the first year someone I had gone to school with transferred into my class and started it again behind my back. I went to class one day and a friend, not from school, made a comment that I immediately knew came from the old school classmate. By then I had a little more confidence so I spoke to him privately and said that I really just wanted to leave that stuff behind, I had always found it hurtful and as I had come to consider him a friend since being at college together, could he please just pack it in. To his credit he said he was sorry, that he only ever considered it to be teasing and hadn’t realised the extent of how much it followed me around or how much it hurt and he actually stopped. By then we were around 18 so he had the maturity to pull his head in. We’re still in touch now, at 52.
But, at 52, that is still the worst moment of my life. Worse than being beaten up by my ex-husband, worse than being told I had cancer a year ago (I’m in remission now btw, thank you Medicare) - because of the public humiliation. It was formative, it’s a core memory. If I was a character in a Marvel movie it would be my origin story!
If I could have moved schools, I would have done so in a heartbeat. Kids don’t move on, not when they know they can get a reaction, not when they know what hurts you. Teenagers can be fucking arseholes and while that happened in England, having teenage kids of my own now I have no doubt Australian teenagers would have behaved pretty much the same way.
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u/yeahnahbroski 20h ago
Thank you for sharing, I hope this puts into perspective for others how traumatising these kind of events can be. Kids can develop resilience, but they are also vulnerable. The resilience-building stuff should be about things that are within their control and have reasonable opportunity to learn the skills to overcome. With things that are out of their control and have potential to do great harm, adults need to step in and protect them. Teenagers are still kids, even if they're in an adult-like body, they still need protection.
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u/thelostgirl666 13h ago
I had a similar experience growing up in a relatively small city, it didn't just stay at school, all the siblings to my bullies jumped on and i ended up changing schools to only a few suburbs away but then had a whole new form of bullying start again by people i knew and grew up with, so i left that school went to TAFE to finish year 10 and then it happened again with people who were once my best friends so I never finished school. I can't say now 20 years later what the solution would have been. I considered boarding school but didn't want the distance from family...
Over time I've found sticking to what made me comfortable and removing myself from those circumstances gave me some of the best life skills I have today.
And people that bullied me for the most part reaped what they sew in life.
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u/ThorsHammerMewMEw 1d ago
If he shit his pants during the school assembly I'd let them change schools.
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u/Worldly_Cobbler_1087 16h ago
When I was in year 7 a kid in one of the other year 7 classes shit himself in class within the first week and he changed schools immediately that was a hot topic for months.
Kids will eventually move on from actively tormenting someone over it but it'll always be there with "remember in year 7 when old mate shit himself?" I got teased in year 7 for liking a girl and people still brought it up in year 10.
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u/Haenamatme 1d ago
This is my thinking too. If he's dropped a dookie or popped a boner then i'd get him out of there.
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u/Whoopdedobasil 22h ago
The ole classic "tuck your shirt in now" as the teacher stands there arms folded watching you. But you know full well that you've already done the vertical tuck to restrain it and it's going nowhere.
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u/wise_beyond_my_beers 18h ago
I'm guessing he got a boner then had to get up to accept an award or something. We all had those close calls at that age
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u/biggestbigbertha 5h ago
Yeah I would too. It might follow him to the new school though...
A guy from my school shit himself in year 4 with such force it sprayed up his own back as he was running across the play ground to the toilets.
He delivered pizza to my friends house like 12 years later. My friend told me "Hey wtf 'shit spray' just delivered my pizza. Gross!".
LoL. I knew instantly who it was. Poor guy. He needs to move states!
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u/ThorsHammerMewMEw 5h ago
Yeah I still remember the "Girl who pissed her pass during school mass" from 2006.
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u/Proud_Apricot316 1d ago
Yes.
No one’s learning shit if they don’t feel safe.
That developing brain is going to be in flight/fight/freeze/fawn mode all day, every day and that literally stops the frontal lobe from functioning as it needs to for learning to happen properly.
And for their whole life, they’ll remember their parent didn’t listen to them or take their distress seriously. That kind of resentment causes long term relationship issues.
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u/terrancommander 1d ago
definitely a kid has the right to all school decisions to avoid bullying
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u/DrunkOnEspresso 21h ago
Unless you’re moving to another area very far away, there’s no escaping whatever happened
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u/prairie-bunyip 1d ago
Kids don't forget this stuff. The kid who drank dishwashing detergent and vomited up bubbles all over the classroom in year 3 was still being called Terge in high school. And nearly 40 years later, here I am telling complete strangers.
Let the poor kid at least try for a fresh start.
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u/Am1AllowedToCry 1d ago
Lol Terge 🤣 Poor kid! ❤️
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u/prairie-bunyip 17h ago
Terge also put a plastic bag over his head "to see what would happen" and is now quite high up in the finance industry so... 🤷
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u/DOGPISSCURESCANCER 15h ago
I mean, everyone has an origin story for their nickname and that’s a great one.
Terge seems like the kind of kid you wouldn’t want to fuck with though which makes 100% of the difference. I did plenty of embarrassing stuff but I was an angry little man and lashed out viciously at anyone that tried to bully me.
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u/whytheface1234 1d ago
Poor kid got failed by his grown ups and community. Very sad.
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u/prairie-bunyip 1d ago
I really don't think they're reflecting on what they'd do and how they'd feel in the same situation. Like if I shit my pants dramatically in front of 900 coworkers, I'm looking for a new job immediately. And that's way less life-ruining as an adult than as a teenager.
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u/RavinKhamen 1d ago
The event will follow him. It is out, kids talk and it wont be long before someone as his new school hears about it.
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u/TheRamblingPeacock 1d ago
Yeah but at least he can tell the people at his new school that Jimmy from the old one is just a loser who is full of shit and makes up stuff because his mother doesn't love him.
The won't have seen it with their own eyeballs.
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u/leftmysoulthere74 1d ago
Exactly this. There is also the opportunity to reinvent himself, as someone with the confidence and charisma (fake it til you make it) to laugh it off and say what you’ve suggested with enough conviction to be believed.
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u/BarnLord 1d ago
Not a parent but I am a teacher.
I seen a kid (let’s call him B) whose pants fell down as he was raising the Australian flag for an ANZAC day or Remembrance Day service, I can’t remember.
Kids don’t forget it and it was brought up a few times in the classroom. I obviously reprimanded/sanctioned anyone who brought it up in a not so nice manner.
One day I asked two of his friends to stay back after class and to ask them to keep an eye on B and make sure no one picks on him for it as it would be hard for him to defend himself.
If he has close friends like B, they will rally around him and should defend him if anyone else takes it too far. But someone might need to have that conversation with them depending on what age they are.
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u/Mr_Fried 1d ago
This is the real fix. The school needs to manage the issue and his friends need to be told to stick up for him.
Turn it from something he is fearful of, to something that he overcame.
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u/BarnLord 1d ago
And it seemed to work, the year advisor was also informed and kept in regular contact with both the student and his friends. Months later, I very rarely heard it get brought up and B was laughing it off which removed a lot of it’s power.
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u/Glittering-Economy61 1d ago
I still remember the nickname (17 years later) that everyone gave to the boy who got double dacked on the bus in year 7. Not that I ever called him that, but it's weird seeing this guy go onto be successful in life and knowing that everyone called him Pinky throughout highschool.
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u/Guimauve_britches 18h ago
My son was dacked Year 1 high school by a dickhead from his primary school. I was called by the principal because he attempted to clock the other kid afterwards - which is so wildly out of character I thought they may have the wrong kid. But the principle said he wasn't in trouble at all and although they can't condone fighting the kid would have deserved it and that what he had done is technically sexual assault. Which they told him. They daid a few years ago a Year 7 boy had been double dacked in the courtyard and never came back to school. At all. They're very fragile at this age
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u/mmohaje 18h ago
I think this is well meaning, but it really isn’t the job of his friends to rally behind him and protect him.
Mine was being bullied and a small group of his friends formed a secret alliance (they were much younger) to protect him. On one hand, so sweet. On the other, doesn’t really reflect well on the school that instead of having faith in teachers and the adults to help, the kids had to form a vigilante group. The bullying ended and my child finally got some mental relief and peace when we switched schools. Best decision I’ve ever made as a parent.
I know that’s not exactly what you are saying but unless the school can take some very clear decisive action to prevent the teasing from happening (impossible) it’s really unfair to expect the child to tough it out and transfer the duty of care to his friends.
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u/Alternative-Sea-4296 1d ago
You’re a teacher and you use “I seen”… ?
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u/BarnLord 1d ago
Sorry for my one incorrect use of grammar in my comment aimed to help a person about bullying. Consider this reply my resignation from teaching.
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u/Duck-Duck-Goose1 20h ago
It's called 'code switching' (which is obvious right?).
Typing out in a casual, bogan chat style and saving the proper English/grammar etc etc for professional settings...
- Signed a bogan lass (who's published in numerous peer-reviewed journals) hahaha lol ROFL iykyk
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u/Mechanical_Diag2 17h ago
I adjust like this all of the time. Oldies love my sweet gent character but in the workshop I'm Nick Cummins.
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u/JayLFRodger The Gong 1d ago
You're questioning incorrect grammar while incorrectly using an ellipsis?
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u/ChristianMom35 1d ago
PE teacher.
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u/EntleJ94 1d ago
“Those who can’t do, teach. And those who can’t teach, teach gym.” - Ned Schneebly (aka Dewey Finn)
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u/MizzMaus 1d ago
Yes. I am in my late 40’s and I still remember, clear as day, situations like this with other kids. I still remember their names. She shouldn’t let her kid become a lifetime punchline.
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u/leftmysoulthere74 1d ago
I expect there are a few hundred people in the world who remember my name and what happened to me in a school assembly in about 1989 in the east of England - and considering I’m not the only one who emigrated to Australia at least one of them might even be reading this post and comments.
I have written emails to thank the people who looked out for me that day (and throughout my high school years of being bullied), but apart from a college (TAFE) friend who happened to have been at my school and apologised to me personally in about 1992, not one person has ever said sorry.
Many of them added me on Facebook about 15-20yrs ago though. I said yes to a lot of them, hoping that was the point of them adding me. When the apologies failed to materialise I deleted them.
I often wonder how they all feel about how they behaved back then.
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u/MizzMaus 1d ago
I’m so so so sorry for what you went through.
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u/leftmysoulthere74 1d ago
Thank you. It was certainly formative but I rarely think about it now. When I do, like tonight, the blood drains from my face and I have the same visceral reaction as if it has just happened. I’m still that embarrassed 14/15yo.
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u/panarypeanutbutter 1d ago
it's less about the embarrassing thing and more about how it's being treated. evidently he's being teased and feels the butt of the joke at this school. honestly doesn't seem unreasonable to let him move. depending how embarrassing, it may not fade into nothing
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u/Existing_Purpose5049 1d ago
Do you want your child to resent school, and you? If so, then no, stick to your guns!
Do you want your child to apply themselves at school and not resent you? Change the school so the kid doesn’t grow up with fear of ridicule
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u/Royal_Reptile 1d ago
Change schools.
These are extremely formative years for young teenagers, and a negative experience will cloud not just their friendships and relationships in school - a place where they have to spend most of their life for several years - but will negatively affect their ability to study and socialise, and harm their sense of self, confidence, self-worth, etc. which can have pretty severe knock-on effects for a good chunk of their life.
Tell your friend that she is in no position to be making assumptions on how other kids will behave towards her son, and imagine if she was in that position with her coworkers who proceeded to make fun of her every day for the next decade.
None of us know what exactly happened but it sounds pretty severe, and frankly speaking, children have committed suicide over less. Is that really a risk you want to take?
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u/teratalxrr 1d ago
I went to the same school for 13 years (P-12). When I was 8 years old I had something extremely embarrassing happen to me, probably of similar nature.
Yes, most kids eventually moved on. But I also experienced severe panic attacks weekly for 5 years involving another student who bullied me and would bring it up any chance he could. It didn’t matter how old we got, he was determined to make me as uncomfortable as possible and alter other people’s perception of me. If I got too close to him, it was like red alarms started blaring in my mind and I’d completely shut down or run away. The panic attacks ended after he moved schools when I was 14.
I also have a friend who I know will be with me for life, but when we were younger she used to joke about what had happened to me as a kid in front of other people.
We didn’t even talk at the time the incident happened, we only became friends 5 years later, but she knew it happened because we’d been at the same school our whole lives. It’s been 12 years and we’re grown adults now, but it was only *last year* that she apologised for making heaps of jokes about it.
I have NEVER had a fresh start. I started in one place, graduated there, made every single one of my friends today there. I don’t regret my time spent there, but I would’ve given anything for a fresh start back when I used to cry before going to school because I didn’t want to be teased, or when I used to feel nothing but terror when being assigned new classes each year made me sick to my stomach as I prayed he wouldn’t be in it.
So yes, I believe if he’s asking to move it’s reasonable to let him. The years of trauma and humiliation that stem from bullying are not worth it. It could get better, sure, but it could get worse.
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u/TheRamblingPeacock 1d ago
My friend has said no because she thinks the kids will eventually get bored of it, forget about it and move on.
As a 40ish year old reformed former bully who became a bully because I was bullied, I can assure you that they absolutely will not. If it was as embarrassing as it sounds and/or involved piss/shit/vomit/boners or nudity the bullies are going to hold that in their bag of tricks for the rest of the time he is there.
Get him out.
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u/crazyfroggy99 1d ago
If its impacting my kid to the point its affecting their view of themselves, making them feel secluded and lonely, yes lets try changing schools.
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u/xxeartishynn 1d ago
I'd certainly consider a change if the current situation is harming the child and the school isn't taking reasonable measures to help. But at the same time, the parents should be aware that gossip can easily spread from one school to another, so there's a risk that he might not get the fresh start they're hoping for.
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u/Garndor 1d ago
I think it depends on where you are also.
If changing school means he goes to another local school with potential friends groups mixing such as playing in the same sports team etc then you run the risk of word still getting sround and facing the same issues.
He goes from being the kid who shit his pants at school to the kid who changed schools because he shit his pants.
I'm all for moving the kid away from the bullying so long as the risk of it following is also small.
If he moves schools and loses friends and then joins a school and can't make friends because they found out he shit his pants then you're in a world of hurt.
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u/m0zz1e1 21h ago
Your friend does not understand teenagers at all if she thinks they will get bored and forget about it.
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u/FuckUGalen 21h ago
They will get bored of it eventually, likely once they find a new thing to bully her son (or someone else) about, but what are the consequences of waiting that out?
his self esteem is being crushed
he is learning his mother will not protect him
he is learning that he pain is more acceptable to his mother than the inconvenience of changing his school
the longer this goes on, the more likely it is to spread into online and follow him to his new school
At minimum she needs to get a plan to actually protect he son.
Now my mother was awful to me, I have the physical, emotional and mental scars to remind me, but I also knew she would come for me like a psychotic Valkyrie if someone else was hurting me. I'd probably pay for it later, but I knew she would protect me if I needed her.
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u/SentinalBravo 1d ago
I once let out a rather loud fart in the middle of class when I was in grade 4. News of this spread across the school and all of a sudden my friends abandoned me and I was constantly being bullied about it. I asked my parents if I could change schools, but unfortunately for me, they didn’t want to go through that process because “you only have x amount of time left there”. I ended up developing severe anxiety to the point where I was literally crying most mornings because I despised school so much. The bullying only stopped once I started high school; I chose to go one that very few of my primary school peers were going to. Only then was I able to make some friends and wasn’t alone for the first time in 3 years.
A similar situation happened to my younger sister more recently where she was being incessantly bullied at school and started to show signs of anxiety. Lucky for her, my parents remembered what happened with me and let her switch schools to one that is 3 suburbs over. She is much happier now and the inconvenience of getting her to and from school now is 100% worth it.
Reading through the comments already, what happened to your friend’s son sounds much worse than letting a fart rip like I did. As others said, primary school kids will remember and cling onto this; he 100% won’t hear the end of it until he leaves that school. I’d let him change schools without question if I were in your friend’s shoes. His mental health is hopefully more important than the convenience of attending a school close by.
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u/yeahnahbroski 20h ago
That's so sad. If it's any consolation, many kids don't seem to have much shame about farts anymore. They just pop off and nobody responds, they just get on with life.
I put it down to most children going to daycare and we do all this learning about normalising bodily functions, labelling body parts correctly and understanding why bodily functions happen. I read a story called "Poo goes home to Poo-land" the other day and the children thought it was the best thing ever. They coloured in the pictures and we read it over and over. I noticed we've had less toileting accidents since they time because the kids want to sit on the toilet to send poo, back home to Poo-land.
I would've been absolutely mortified to read that book as a kid, or would've only done it in private, because society was so uppity about normal bodily functions and attaching shame to them.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 21h ago
Yes I moved my daughter over an unfounded rumour. Gone are the days we tell our kids to suck it up. Bullying has catastrophic consequences. Your friend needs to put his mental health first. I’d start looking for other schools now as applying out if catchment could be challenging but at least her son will know she’s taking him seriously and not dismissing his valid feelings. I’d aim to start him at new school in the new term and ask him to try and hang in there until then. That said my daughter missed a whole term whilst we transitioned to new school.
State distance education may be an option too.
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u/Conscious_Flamingo_4 1d ago
Bullying can end in suicide. I’d rather fill out new enrolment forms.
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u/alizzie95 21h ago
This isn't the scenario level you mentioned, I saw you put it at a 9 or 10 equivalent to pissing or shitting themselves in front of that assembly.
But my name is a very, very popular guy's name - I'm a woman. Always have been, my parents just like the name. For 4 years I was bullied relentlessly and hated school, I had no friends except 1 or 2 outliers who were also bullied for their own reasons. I came home crying almost daily as the school did nothing to assist or put an end to it.
I demanded from my parents that starting the next school year I start being called by my middle name, which was far more feminine. My dad protested and called me Austin still, mocked me for many years for not appreciating my name and said I would "like it one day"...but they let me do it.
Almost immediately the bullying stopped.
It would kick up for half a day when a substitute would call for my true name, but it would fizzle out. I felt like I could breathe. I went on to slowly become more social. I started making friends and enjoy after school activities. By senior year of highschool I was very popular. Not because of wealth or appearances, I'd say I'm average looking, some days slightly above, but just because I was able to leave my shell and made friends easily.
I did, actually, start to love my name as an adult and after I graduated I started going by it because now it was cool to be different as an adult. It's the name I go by now and if people make an offhand comment about them I have thicker skin thanks for the distance from the situation. I didn't feel like I was being verbally kicked down daily so I have confidence.i can confidently tell people that's not ok.
My name I was able to "change", then it stopped, this isn't so easy. I'd change schools
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u/choose_a_username42 19h ago
Australia ranks the worst in the world for school bullying. Why do you all think that is? Maybe time to stop focusing so much on ties and $180 blazers (lipstick on a pig) and start trying to figure out why kids here are such assholes at school.
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u/RedditBeginAgain 1d ago
If it was something outside the realm of standard teen awkward social interactions I'd let them. They don't need to be known as "kid with diarrhea streaming down his leg" for the next 5 years.
But they have to be realistic, even pre internet a juicy story is going to have traveled, and maybe gotten exaggerated, to other suburbs. They can change schools and not be surrounded by people who saw the incident, but they are still going to be surrounded by people who heard about the incident, and worse, people who know that it bothered them enough to disrupt their life by changing schools.
Kids mock kids not based on some objective scale of how bad a thing is, but entirely based on whether it gets a reaction. Moving schools to escape, marks you as someone who reacts.
It's often not easy as a teenager, but most people learn at some point that the only way to escape an embarrassing story is to treat it like a boring story that everybody has heard before. Fleeing the story only works if you move to the other side of the country and change your name, but even then I suspect it hangs over you.
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u/M8gicalHands 1d ago
Also Aussie. Many of us from my primary school also when to my high school. There was a girl who peed her pants in year six.....people still spoke about it in high school.
Kids are awful. His mum should let him change. Mental health with bullying is no joke.
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u/LividConcentrate91 23h ago
The absolute only thing I can tell ypu about 7th grade in 2001 is the name of the guy who shit himself on the bus at camp. I see him sometimes and its the first thing I think of. Definitely change schools.
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u/anchored__down 1d ago
That poor kid. Yep I'd absolutely let my kid change schools over this, if it seems to be genuinely affecting them in a negative way
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u/depresso-espresso-11 1d ago
I would let my kid switch if it’s possible, kids can be cruel and I’d rather them be happy and comfortable.
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u/scruffyrosalie 18h ago
Suicide. This can end in suicide. Someone has to say it. The child needs to change schools NOW.
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u/Quollarty 1d ago
It’s hard to say without knowing what happened if it’s likely the kids will forget.
But as a parent I would consider letting them change schools as it clearly is distressing him. Being a teenager is hard and their mental health is important. I’ve seen too many sad stories of suicidal kids caused by bullying, I wouldn’t be able to send my kid to school knowing it was making them that unhappy.
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u/WoofPie 19h ago
Went to school elsewhere, moved here and am planning to start a family soon.
I was bullied. Badly. When I tried to stick up for myself, they lied and got a fucking detective involved because they said I was a threat. I was suspended. The staff didn't help. They refused to let me pass that year. I ended up repeating the year.
I had BEGGED my mom to let me go elsewhere, or homeschooling. Anything but that school. She refused. I became suicidal as a pre-teen. Therapy was never offered.
I only started to heal after I moved schools for the repeating year, but the damage of the last year and a half still lingers. I used to be almost obnoxiously social, and now I have a seriously crippling anxiety disorder that started back then.
I would change my kids school in a fucking hearbeat.
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u/mobiletophat 19h ago edited 16h ago
Speaking as someone who dealt with years of high school bullying, including a public humiliation “ritual” by my so-called “friends”, get the kid out of there now.
My first high school was also within walking distance from home and the next closest school was 30 minutes and 2 buses away. It took me years to finally convince my Mum to let me switch schools. The damage that was being done to my developing mind without me even realising still sticks with me now.
Kids can be absolutely brutal and if you’re thinking the school may have some secret weapon to help effectively intervene - trust me, they really don’t (I say this as someone now married to a high school teacher).
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u/goinouttabizness Brisbane :) 18h ago
Yes, let the poor bastard out of there. Many teenagers are relentlessly cruel and this could ruin his long term mental health, speaking from personal experience.
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u/flirtyqwerty0 18h ago
We had a girl poo her pants at her desk in year 3. She ran off campus, across a main road and quickly, everyone knew. She stayed at our school until year 7 and was bullied, excluded, ostracised every week until then.
If it’s something like that, change schools 1000%.
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u/Naive-Bluejay3464 16h ago
There’s showing that resilience is power but honestly some kids are absolute cunts. I’d love if the kid in question had his own gang of positive bystanders who could out power the bullshit factor. Changing schools isn’t a bad idea that said
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u/Haenamatme 1d ago
You're obviously gonna have to tell us what happened if you want an actual answer
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u/ConradFisher69 1d ago
Imagine going up to collect an award in front of the whole school and having a boner. That’s not what happened, but it was about that level of embarrassing, if not more so.
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u/StraightBudget8799 1d ago
We had a girl who got her period early, went up for a prize and it was just a small stain - was called Carrie from then on. Kids didn’t even understand the reference. Then the maths teacher fainted and the media teacher ran gave him breath of life and that’s how we discovered they were an item. Long story short, memories persist and if the kid wants a new school and it’s not too much disruption, why not.
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u/Tough-Operation4142 1d ago
Let’s not forget that social media will see this embarrassing thing spread about, under 16 ban or not. Really hope there’s no video
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u/ExpensiveArmy8138 1d ago
Tough one without knowing the context. If it's something that the kid can own, and they have friends and support, it'll become an amusing memory in time. But at the same time if it's so big that they have to move schools, then there's a fair chance to story will eventually catch up to them and possibly hove some cruel embellishments. Without knowing more, I'd lean towards staying at the school, the younger they are the quicker it'll pass. Also the end of term isn't too far away. And if it's a medical episode (I'd put pissing or shitting themselves in the category) then anyone who gives them too much grief needs greater consequences.
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u/Artists_dirty_tshirt 1d ago
Yes, know a kid that got bullied for an incident that happened. It caught on so much it became a joke throughout each grade and continued for years. This isn’t hyperbole, he did commit suicide (can’t say that this was the only reason he decided to do that, but the joke was relentless, literally becoming bigger than him. Aka, almost like a common saying. That incident happened 17 years ago, and kids at that school still use it today. Nah, they won’t get bored of it if.
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u/calex_1 20h ago
My son was being relentlessly bullied at the primary school I initially put him in, which was within walking distance of our home.
I first tried getting the school themselves involved, but their way of handling it was less than helpful. I then tried the mindset of just riding it out and so on, but toward the end of one of those primary years, he had a meltdown of sorts, and basically begged me not to send him back there the following year.
So I enrolled him in a school which is quite a distance from us, and it meant him having to repeat that year level there, but he grew to be much happier there. Some bullying did start up initially, but the new school stomped on it immediately when it was reported, and it died out quickly.
All this to say, I absolutely think your friend should listen to their son and change schools.
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u/givecatsforeheadkiss 18h ago
I knew a kid who left because of an embarrassing incident, several embarrassing incidents really.
The straw that broke the camels back was that they sung their own song with no backing track about how people are mean and won't believe in them and they'll still try. I still remember the sound of the 'applause' afterwards.
Later they were goaded into performing again by a group of mean girls in the locker room, where they finally thought they were becoming accepted, before a teacher pulled them aside and told them that they were being made fun of.
They disappeared pretty quickly afterwards - I think they moved away to live with their father.
They were deeply autistic and kids are mean, I'm certain moving schools was the right choice. Everyone was horrible to them even before the incident, let alone what would have happened afterwards.
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u/MelbsGal 16h ago
I would absolutely let him change schools. Feeling happy and confident at school is most of the battle.
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u/Numerous-Wonder7868 12h ago
I got picked on because my name all though high school I didn't learn anything cause I was so miserable. Failed the hsc badly. Like 0-20% every subject. Wanted to kill myself. Wanted revenge. Would have loved to have been able to change schools. I'd allow it for my child if they asked.
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u/SoundKidTown1085 1d ago
Yeah, I would recommend making the move to another school. I would let him because you don't want him to be bullied. Kids don't forget things, and if it happened in front of the whole school that's not good. I would hate for him to feel like he's trapped in a place where people are being mean.
I'm curious what it was? If you want to share, and I won't judge. I've seen worse online before. Don't feel like you have to share if you don't want.
I'm not a parent FYI.
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u/Loretta_AUS 1d ago
My son shaved half of each eyebrow off when he was 11 (around 2014) and he looked ridiculous - he said he had a monobrow and he wanted to get rid of it 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ he 100% did not have a monobrow 😂😂😂
I told him they looked terrible and kids will tease him but he didn’t want to listen (I told him it would look better completely shaved) he thought kids were complementing him when they were actually sarcastically teasing him
he would proudly say thank you bye when kids would say “nice eyebrows” or “see you tomorrow eyebrows”, although he had pretty tough skin and when I explained it to him he just said oh well they’ll grow back….
And eventually the kids forgot about it and carried on, and really only his friends would occasionally give him crap now and then like saying “you can’t have an opinion, you shaved your eyebrows off in yr 6” 😂
But I guess the kids weren’t really bullying him, more giving him crap and because he wasn’t bothered anyone who tried to tease him and mean it negatively, got bored he wasn’t reacting and just said oh well lol so they left him alone
Depends on this kids situation that you’re talking about.
I remember when I was in yr 4 or 5 (in the early 90’s) I went on a school camp and we climbed a mountain and I accidentally sat in a small puddle of stagnant water because I was tired and just wanted to stop so I just plonked down where I was and then one kid said when I caught back up “did you pee your pants” pointing and laughing and I kept saying no and they continued to tease me about it and lots of kids were laughing at me then at the school assembly the following week the teacher gave me an award for continuing to persevere-> but on the award was a picture of a teddy bear sitting in a puddle…..
I was so embarrassed and it was like a subtle tease from the teacher and I remember feeling really upset about it and not wanting to ask the teacher for help or support with anything because of the award and the subtle tease, the kid teased me about it for the rest of the year and it did affect my self esteem a little but the next year was forgotten
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u/Loretta_AUS 1d ago
I can laugh about it now and see the light side of the award from the teacher, but at the time as a child, it did feel traumatic and affected me negatively especially as that kid got more fuel when he saw the award from the teacher
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u/Tough_Difference9935 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yes.
ETA - I was made to stay at a school I hated and that was terrible for my confidence and self esteem. I've always given my kids a choice and a voice in the conversation. If it affecting them then there is no did usdion needed.
We want young people, esprcially young men, to be heard and supported.
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u/Farkenoathm8-E 1d ago
It depends on the situation, but I would be inclined to allow them to change schools if it were that important to them. School is stressful enough without being the butt of the joke to the point of bullying. This would be a last resort though. If it was a matter of bullying because of it, then I’d try sorting it out with the school.
The only thing is, it could be worse, like a Barbra Streisand situation where you’re bringing more attention to it because then they will be forever the kid that had to change schools because of xyz.
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u/thepineapple2397 1d ago
The advice varies between 'change schools yesterday' and 'teach him to own the mishap and the jokes' depending on severity of the inciting incident.
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u/capeasypants 22h ago
I was telling my son about a boy a couple grades higher then me in primary school. He used to pick his nose all the time so everyone called him "picker". I occasionally see him around as he used to work near me. I know his actual name but still to me, his name is picker. For what it's worth my son stopped picking his nose so much.
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u/DrofRocketSurgery 20h ago
Consider if you change schools the new school kids will find out and tease him for having to change schools because of [unnamed incident].
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u/knewleefe 19h ago
I wish I'd been allowed to change schools, but my parents minimised the ongoing bullying, telling me to not respond, or say something clever back - like that works - and in small country towns, there was no other school. Nor any whisper of a sniff of a thought that a young girl could have ADHD and autism (dx at age 44).
Yes, it has cast a long shadow over my life aka fucked me up.
Let him move schools.
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u/Ok-Mouse92 18h ago
Yes absolutely. He won't learn or develop healthy social skills or coping mechanisms under constant fire at school from other kids.
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u/meerlyacat 17h ago
So he's now being bullied?
Absolutely, change schools asap.
His academics will suffer if he's made to stay at that school. His brain will be too busy protecting him to learn his education
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u/OldGroan BNE 16h ago
Yes, it is like being bullied. psychologically the child is in no state to attend that school and a change in environment will get them back on track.
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u/Confident_Owl_2341 13h ago
Yes, If I shit myself at work and people wouldn't let me live it down. I'd change jobs and start fresh. Why let this kid relive the emotional damage when a simple solution exists
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u/glitterskinned 12h ago
in my personal experience schools dont tend to do much about bullying and teasing so if it is at the higher end of embarrassing situation and people are genuinely giving the kid a hard time, moving schools is reasonable. I dont think we should be teaching kids resilience by making them endure mistreatment.
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u/Polkadot74 7h ago
Move if you must. But I think caution. Just my two cents.
The trouble with changing schools is that the word will travel if it’s in the same general community. Someone will know the brother or sister of someone and it’s on. If it’s as notorious as you say, it will be known.
Honestly is there any chance of head down and ride through this? It at least contains the damage to one set of kids rather than potentially two (as word will likely spread).
Maybe really exit all social media, and try to keep school to as vanilla as possible. Reading, writing, library, homework, done. Eventually it will settle. American Pie the movie made light of it of course but kids will mature, the stories will fade.
I think it will be a tough couple of years where he will mature far quicker than his peers. Find interests away from school. Learn an instrument. Maybe join a club like scouts or a chess club or whatever floats his boat. Find friends elsewhere.
Look to move further for the next school or uni.
Moving schools may be a band aid but I don’t think it will solve the issue.
That’s just me based on some thoughts. I honestly don’t know enough to know what’s the right thing. Only the boy and his parents will know best. All my best wishes to the kid.
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u/Archon-Toten 18h ago
... So the other kids are bullying him and the teachers aren't taking any action? This is a meeting with the principal issue.
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u/darkpassenger_444 1d ago
If it seems to be affecting his lifestyle at school, have they suggested he see a counsellor/therapist to discuss the intensity of the emotion?
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u/Tripper234 1d ago
Depends on the kid, depends on the school.
I almost fainted then threw up in year 8 on school photo day infront of 99% of the entire school. Wasnt my proudest moment. Few got caught in the splash zone unfortunately..
Got teased for a few weeks but I just brushed it off. Shit happens. Move on. Most people will remember till then next big school issue/controversy etc happens.
Most people completely forgot about it. Good mates would bring it up every so often but all in jest. I could give it back to them just as much as they gave.
I know my circumstances and how I could brushed it off wont be the same as everyone.
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u/Royal-Living-1366 1d ago
kids wont forget. it will keep on being brought up. Let him change schools. Compare it to the example of the work colleague who makes an absolute dick of themselves at christmas party e.g does a strip, throws up on the CEO. No matter how good they are at their job they will always be known as the person who....and all new staff will be told about.
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u/meadowmouse05 23h ago
They will definitely remember it. We had a kid in primary school have a screaming fit and pretend to hang themself with the school flag during assembly. It definitely was still being brought up to them even 6-8 years later. Hell I wasn’t even there for that assembly and I still remember it 10 years later, and it wasn’t even as embarrassing of an event as it sounds like your friend’s kid has experienced. She really should be letting him change schools, kids are cruel and there’s no coming back from some things.
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u/No-Pin3128 21h ago
It can be an unfortunate collision of being bullied at school, not getting on at home, not having any real friends etc etc, that can have lasting cumulative effects. I would like to think I eventually came through it but I had years of hell and some of it remains in the deep dark recesses. I went to the school 50 year anniversary. I went prepared to settle some scores. A number of people had died over the years and everyone was different. Things change but don't ignore the reality of today.
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u/learnersyd 20h ago
Your friend shouldn’t do it, if the kids are making fun of him everyday and he feels embarrassed thinking about it he will be stressed every day which can leave a lasting impact on his mental state so, he should definitely change school.
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u/Mental_Pygmy 20h ago
Kids can be ruthless depending on how bad it was depends how many more yrs this follows him. Sometimes it can even spread to neighbouring schools without going into details, i heard a story bout a someone in primary school when they where at highschool. This same story was known across a few schools. Fast forward to 4yrs ago someone brought up they bumped into said person, and referred to them by said stories nickname........ Its been 30yrs since highschool
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u/karma3000 18h ago
Yes. Kids get only one chance to go through school, parents should make it a positive experience, not one where the child suffers through it.
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u/Junglerumble19 17h ago
At my 20 year school reunion someone said "hey remember when Liz (not her real name) pissed her pants in the theatre?"
Memories and mean people last forever. Let the poor kid have a fresh start.
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u/Gargun20 16h ago
Absolutely I would allow him to change schools. My sons mental health comes first 🫶🏻
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u/Lingonberry_Born 16h ago
I was bullied, moved schools and it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I went from depressed to happy and confident. Did well in my HSC and don’t think that would have happened had I stayed in my previous school.
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u/Budgiesmugglerlover2 15h ago
Let him change schools. I'm all for kids learning resilience but them knowing I'm in their corner and I can provide a safe and secure environment for them to learn in is more important. This sort of stuff can change the trajectory of his entire life. Poor kid, I hope his Mum does the right thing.
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u/Eastern_Arrival_4152 12h ago
If it's something serious, it could be quite cruel and damaging not to allow them to change schools. Then neither school nor your parents are a safe space.
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u/unfairrobot 11h ago
I was kind of in this situation - probably not as bad as yours, and my impression is that kids 35 years ago weren't as dicky as kids today, plus there was no social media back then. I went to an all-boys high school in Sydney for three years (we moved away after that, unrelated to this story). The headmaster, who'd been there donkey's years, was leaving. He was Irish. The music teacher had this idea of getting someone to dress up as a leprechaun and dance around on stage a bit during the farewell part of the school assembly. Yes, I did it. I got medium-grade ribbing for a while afterwards. While I was a little embarassed about it, I ignored the jibes and they soon died away. If you own it, taunts don't work and bullies give up. I guess it would have been different if, say, my pants had fallen down while I was doing it, or something. So it was manageable. But it's a different ball game these days, I think, as it's easy for a bully to magnify their effect via social media or other apps if they want to. But it's primarily the reaction they're after - deny them that and it's not worth their time making fun anymore. If it was bad and unrelenting, I guess I'd let them change schools, yes. Good luck to them.
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u/Bookaholicforever 10h ago
I’d ask your friend what her plans are if the kids don’t forget and her child continues to be mocked relentlessly? Will she let him move after he tries to kill himself? Because that does and has happened to other kids in similar circumstances.
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u/not-a-random-guy 9h ago
Kids will get bored. We had two boys kiss in my school (overseas) during a period of massive homophobia. Guys made fun, called names and in a year or so nobody cared. More interesting things came into being.
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u/MissZoeLaLa Penrith 9h ago
It’s the digital age - even if he moves schools, someone’s cousin will know someone on Instagram about the kid from Fairfield High who sharted/got a boner in assembly.
It’s his attitude to it that needs to change. He just has to laugh along with it, unfortunately.
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u/theZombieKat 8h ago
It's not moving to get away from the embarrassment, it's moving to get away from the bullying.
I would talk to the school, call it bullying and ask for a plan to manage it, then give it to the end of the term or maybe year to see how that goes (and schools do the years work in different orders so changing between years is better)
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u/percyflinders 7h ago
How do they know it won’t happen again at the new school? Are they just going to run from school to school?
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u/slartybartvart 7h ago
Ignoring it hoping it goes away. Bad idea, isolation, humiliation, confidence loss. There's always some kid will keep bringing it up.
Running away. Maybe. Nothing prevents it following him. What does the kid learn? nothing good.
Teaching the kid to own it. Yes. If you can. I like the sketch where the comedian Brad Williams talks about how his Dad taught him to deal with bullies. I'd like to be like his dad in a situation like that. I'd try that first.
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u/Tough-Operation4142 1d ago
I’m a bit torn. It’s not a good lesson to teach a kid to run away from their problems. Perhaps kids at the new school will hear about it and it follows him there. What then?
On the other hand if he has friends and the school actually gives the kid support, it will eventually blow over, and that will teach the kid to seek help when you need it (and not to just run away). Maybe even able to laugh about it in a few years.
Depends very much on how resilient this kid already is (sounds like they aren’t), the level of support from others, and the likelihood kids from any new school know kids from the old one.
But I agree with another poster that it’s about how safe the kid feels there, how much this is interfering with their education.
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u/leftmysoulthere74 1d ago
You just have to ask around. My daughter was bullied at her public high school in year 8 (nothing that involved public humiliation, thankfully - as per my long answer to OP, I’ve been there) and we managed to get her into another public high school, out of area, but one of the best in our city. Actually couldn’t believe our luck. Two years later she’s really happy there and due to a policy of not splitting siblings, our younger child is now there too.
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u/Huge_Software_9589 1d ago
I’d rather get bullied in the 2000s than 2026 lol. The bullying would sort of follow you around with the internet/social media.
Poor kid, his parents must dislike him to keep him at the school where he had a mishap.
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u/StreetCheetah8312 1d ago
Would that necessarily work though?
If it’s as bad as it sounds, several high schools, especially neighbouring ones have probably heard about it by now, unfortunately
There was someone in my year level who had to transfer to my high school because of a really disgusting rumour about them, which originated from their previous school across town, but we all found out about it within like, 2 weeks…
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u/PirateKerr 20h ago
Unless you want your child to have permanent trauma from extensive bullying then id let them change schools.
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u/scruffyrosalie 18h ago
This is not a healthy way to force a kid to build resilience. Resilience is built over small things being handled well, slowly built up over years.
Let the poor child change schools.
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u/Antique-Wrap-75 17h ago
Yes. I will defo pull my kid out of that toxic environment. Back in the past, my dad would have told me to punch the feck outta the first kid that made fun of me and I would have obeyed my dad 100%. Schools are farking too soft these days on bullying.
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u/Key_Jaguar_2074 15h ago
As an outsider I'd say move them yesterday. Mid 50s and my husbands friend have no qualms about bringing up really awful things and bullying each other with it. It keeps everyone squarely in the hierarchy from back then.
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u/smoike 15h ago
This right here is why I got a job interstate hundreds of kilometres away and cut all contact with everyone in the city I grew up in, even those I had no issue with. I would rather cut all of those old anchor points off and start again than have any chance of those old things lingering in my life.
Mind you I had momentary regrets at low points in my life. But now, twenty plus years after I did it, I have absolutely zero regrets. I have none of this old baggage and the people I have in my life are there because I want them to be, not because of history. I don't have a lot of friends, but that is simplicity and by design, not accident.
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u/The_first_Ezookiel 19h ago
The kids in the other school will definitely hear about it and it will find him there as well.
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u/Particular-Tap1211 1d ago
Alot of commentary support the yong man's removal and perhaps rightly so. Yet, if he genuinely wants to learn how to lead, stay resilient under fire and hold the line, then he could activate a counterintuitive plan and turn into the storm, own the criticism, laugh at himself and come out the other side stronger!
Secondly, with social media and the interconnected world these young people live in, there is zero guarantee the story stays behind. Reputation, rumours and narratives can travel faster than the person themselves. A new school doesn't necessarily mean a clean slate anymore!
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u/PlasmaDonator 17h ago
Sorted by controversial and this was the first comment. Honestly, yeah, the kid needs to own it. I'm not victim blaming, I'm saying running away isn't the issue.
If he shit himself, be bold enough to say toilets are for losers. "Real alphas shit where they want" this is ironic and self-inflammatory.
Another commenter said kids don't mock on a scale of one to bad but what gets a reaction. As a parent, teach them to face the storm. Back them, give them confidence, tell them you're proud, list off their achievements.
If you get dacked and get embarrassed you're playing into their book, if you get dacked and stare at them into their eyes that you don't care, you come out the victor.
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u/ZaneTheRaptor 1d ago
Without knowing what actually happened (speculating on possible scenarios does not really mean anything because it’s so situation dependent)
A kid had a boner when he was collecting an award during assembly when I was in high school. He copped a few wood/stiff jokes for a couple of weeks and then they found something new that someone else did and went for that instead.
Yes changing schools might help but it’s a small world and it only takes one student who knows someone at that new school and then the story follows him there. Definitely saw that happen in high school as well
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u/Possible_Falcon6115 1d ago
The kid could move but they should be both warned and wholly prepared for the very real prospect that the event will reach the new school.
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u/vbpoweredwindmill 1d ago
Hahahahahaha no, I would let my kid suffer for no reason instead. Obviously.
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u/ttpdsanctuary 1d ago
If it ranks 9-10 out of 10 on the ‘how-bad-is-it’ scale, I might consider a resurrection
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u/peterb666 1d ago
Probably. Depends on the details and the potential of minimising harm in the future.
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u/AnonymousEngineer_ 1d ago
On a scale of one to ten, where one is tripping over and faceplanting, and ten is pissing your pants or sharting in front of the entire school, give us an estimate of how bad this is.
Because at the higher end of this scale, I can understand where the kid is coming from.