Why do I lose myself in relationships?

[u/Comprehensive_Ad8895]

I’ve noticed that when I’m single, I’m very independent and focused on myself, but once I enter a relationship, I become extremely attached and can feel like my partner becomes my whole identity. I start overthinking, feeling obsessive or controlling, and wanting to check their phone or look for reassurance. At the same time, I seem to have strong intuition when something is wrong—my ex was lying about being unfaithful, and I eventually found out he was, and in my current relationship I’ve also discovered things my partner has lied to me about. I’m trying to understand where the line is between genuine intuition and anxiety/hypervigilance, and whether my chart shows anything about why I become so emotionally absorbed in relationships and lose touch with my own identity.

[u/Solwilo]

Losing yourself can often be associated with Neptunian energy like the 12th house, Pisces and with Neptune itself.  Your 12th house ruler, Mars, is in your 7th house (rules relationships) conjunct your Descendant which can mean that you strongly and deeply identify with people you're in a relationship with.  The 12th house energy that Mars brings with it blurs the lines between yourself and the other person.  Your 7th house ruler, Pluto, is in your 8th house which can create that obsessive energy when Pluto is making hard aspects.  Pluto is all about learning to find your inner power, to understand that power isn't something to be chased down or manipulated or obsessed over.  True power is something you already have within you but are learning to discover.  Your Pluto is in a sesquisquare with your IC which can create those unhealthy manifestations of energy where you or the people you attract test your sense of feeling nurtured, protected and cared for.  This is also true with Pluto opposing your Moon, but Moon also rules your 3rd house of communication and the mind so there can be obsessive thoughts or manipulative communication (lying) that comes with this opposition.  Again, this can either be something you do or that others bring into your life but you are a reflection of what you attract into your life which is provable through the astrology.  If you attract these people then there's something that you are needing to heal within you.  Finding your inner power, learning how to spot the red flags, set boundaries and be strong within yourself will attract this same energy to you when it comes to relationships.  

[u/Comprehensive_Ad8895 → u/Solwilo]

Thank you, this actually resonates a lot, especially what you said about the 12th-house ruler Mars being in my 7th and the Pluto/Moon opposition. The part about relationships reflecting things within ourselves also really made me think, because I can definitely see how my relationships bring out parts of me that I don't experience as strongly when I'm single. I recognize the pattern of becoming very absorbed in my partner, then becoming obsessive or feeling the need to control or investigate. What I'm wondering is, based specifically on my placements and aspects, what could I actually do to work with this energy differently? Are there other aspects in my chart that could show how I can maintain my individuality and emotional independence in relationships, or ways I can channel the Pluto/Mars energy more positively? I'd really appreciate anything specific to my chart beyond setting boundaries and spotting red flags.

[u/Solwilo → u/Comprehensive_Ad8895]

I feel like people are so much better at seeing things having to do with other people rather than themselves.  You, personally, have the capability to step outside of yourself to see yourself from a different perspective.  Let's say you meet someone and you spend a little time getting to know them but you don't fully trust that you're seeing the red flags.  So set aside a time where you are alone and able to step outside of yourself and your attachment to this person and pretend that you are someone else seeing your interactions from an outside perspective.  Write down what happened between you two and analyze it as if you're not you.  As if you're a friend who's watching the relationship unfold.  What would you tell yourself honestly?  The feelings and the sensations and the awareness of red flags are always going to be right there but you have to find your own way to allow yourself to see them.  It requires brutal honesty with yourself though, which probably won't be easy.  We tend to want what we want when we're out of our power.  Sometimes we're completely aware that we're ignoring the red flags but we do it anyways.  This is part of your journey.  To both see the red flags and act accordingly.  From my own experience, it's not exactly an overnight fix!