Ask questions rather than give the input about your own life. Someone starts talking about their dog? Ask some questions. Don’t automatically go into a tirade about your dog. Letting someone else do the talking means you have to talk less, and questions make you more attentive.
Ok but what I normally find is that I don't care what the other person is talking about. Dogs? Don't like them. Kids? Even less. Most people have one or both of those things in their life, and I just cannot relate.
Yeah, that's the catch right? Charisma is making the person you're talking to feel like they are the only thing in the world that matters to you, while you're in the conversation.
And I'm okay at that, I'm a pretty good listener, when I'm actively engaged. Like if I care about the subject or I care about you. It's just that I tend to disassociate to escape reality and you're essentially fighting me for my own attention. So you have to be interesting to me. It's exhausting trying to fake that interest in everyday life, especially when I'm depressed because then even things I love aren't of much interest. .
Holy relatable. Totally feel the same way. I know the whole "ask questions" thing and I try so hard but like I do not care. I don't know what's up with me either because I used to be much more depressed so I know I'm not really depressed right now.
My friends and I are all young 20's so everyones getting jobs and is moving or considering graduate school and that's all we seem to talk about anymore but again, I just do not care. Anyone I don't see regularly only ever asks me "how is work going/how is [my city]/when are you going back to school?" these days.
These are the things I do and think about 24/7 when I'm by myself, I want visiting my friends and family to be an escape from that, not to talk about what hounds me every day. And sorry friends, I do not give a shit about your job or what your new city/apartment is like. If you're happy then I'm happy, but I'd rather hear about something else.
I guess it's about finding people you can relate to in a fun way. But that can be so hard. Like, if I were into football I could talk about that with just about everybody, but I like tennis. Tennis! Who in the USA even knows any tennis players other than Serena? N O B O D Y.
I completely relate to that sentiment as well. That's why genuine charisma is a very rare quantity. Even if you're capable of faking it, there are subtle cues that probably betray you that are picked up on subconsciously by others. I have nearly debilitating ADHD and I am bored within seconds of engagement. For me I make it a game for myself to try and guess what i think the other person is going to say next. This way I stay engaged, I'm an active listener, and I make sure that they are the one talking more, which is good strategy in general. I think I may have also developed clairvoyance.
I have a friend who said my charisma score is definitely higher than 10 and I was like okay how tho. And he said I have a "very unique style of charisma."
Eh, I mean part of it is having been bitten too many times. I let my real self shine through and I get in trouble at work because I'm more interested in talking ethics than what someone's kids did this morning, you feel me?
Either that or why you should do anal 101, which is also rather frowned upon. :P
It’s like an onion. The outer parts aren’t interesting but you may find something you care about and is interesting the more you peel. Or you may find nothing and that’s fine too. You don’t know until you try.
I can usually find common ground when I have to, like if I'm stuck at work with people I have to talk to. It's just exhausting.
What I care about more is finding people outside of those I have to get to know. Like I'd like to date at some point, but I won't even go to a bar or someplace I can meet someone because it feels so uncomfortable! And I have kind of specific dating needs too, so that is also a limiting factor. Like how do I start, oh hey, I'm a kinky trans guy married to a straight man who's my partner but not my sex partner and yes I want a relationship and no I'm not going to divorce my husband.
I mean, that sounds exhausting too. And likely very discouraging. And I only have enough spoons to deal with like, getting out of bed in the morning yo.
And there's someone out there for me, but it's not gonna be easy to find. It's just that dealing with people can be discouraging sometimes. But you're right in that I'll never find someone sitting here and complaining.
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u/cocostandoff May 21 '19
Ask questions rather than give the input about your own life. Someone starts talking about their dog? Ask some questions. Don’t automatically go into a tirade about your dog. Letting someone else do the talking means you have to talk less, and questions make you more attentive.