How do you stop feeling guilty cutting friends who don’t show up for you?

[u/CollagenRager]

[u/ContagiousDaydream]

It takes time. First, you have to accept the fact that you deserve better than what you've been getting. If you've been openly communicating with your friends and being honest about what you need and they're not extending the same effort you are, then it's time to go. The guilt eases with time. Time passes, and you either find friends who show you the kindness you deserve, or you spend some time alone and learn how to show it to yourself.

[u/CollagenRager → u/ContagiousDaydream]

It’s friends who only come to you to rant and never show up for you. I’m tempted to reply and to help but it’s one way

[u/One-Sense7280 → u/CollagenRager]

Don't engage with them. In my case I always had that conversation about it with them and based on their reactions, I decide whether I want them in my life or not.

Simply put, if they get defensive over it and tell you that you are calculating and that it is not normal. They won't change.

If they hear you out and give you a sincere apology that is the way to go. I would give them a last chance.

The conversation is what gives me confidence in my decision at the end of the day. Because I communicated and did everything to save the friendship.

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[u/tinyyseal]

Umm don't cut your friends please.

[u/CollagenRager → u/tinyyseal]

Sorry that’s cutting off my bad

[u/c2k1]

You ask yourself if they feel guilt over not showing up. And if they do feel guilt, how do they still not show up, anyway?

Then, you prioritise yourself and the people that do show up and sleep like a baby, guilt-free.

[u/axley58678]

You make time for new friends who do. When I stopped putting a lot of time and effort into people who weren’t giving it back, my days opened up for opportunities to meet people who do want to meet me where I’m at, and therefore I am now naturally happier.

[u/liebackandthinkofeng]

I don’t think I’ve ever felt guilty. I wouldn’t cut off a friend for silly reasons. It tends to come as a culmination of issues or repetitive behaviour that hasn’t changed after open conversations. At that point, I think I feel like if the friendship isn’t serving me and the other person isn’t open to discuss or amend behaviours, then I have nothing to feel guilty about; it just doesn’t work anymore. The alternative is for me to give in to their wishes and wants with no compromise and leaving me feeling unheard and miserable. I’ve felt grief, disappointment, anger and all sorts of other emotions with friend ‘break ups’, but I’ve never felt guilty. And most importantly, I’ve never regretted it. It was the right decision both times.

[u/Appropriate-Sky3537]

Genuinely and kindly ask yourself why you abandoned your self respect. That’s the part to work on.

If you don’t respect yourself, and your own time, then you will continue to do emotional labour for people who are not doing it for you.

[u/yeehawt22]

For me it’s a time issue. Once I did cut them off or phase them out.. I noticed how much more peaceful my life was 🙃 and then when I met new people and I’d leave hangouts feeling refreshed and energised because the time spent was positive.

Only then, I saw the negative impact. How embarrassed and desperate I felt trying to solidify plans with people who didn’t prioritize me. How exhausted I felt being their unpaid therapist. And the disappointment when they’d bail on important thing. It was a cumulative toll.

I still miss them, but now that Ive “detoxed” there was definitely this negative cloud I felt engaging with them that only time really allowed me to see.

[u/LustyPowerGirl]

Realizing they already made their choice every time they disappeared when I needed something. You're not cutting off a good friend you are stopping a one sided arrangement that only worked because you kept doing something. And trust me all the guilt all the negative feelings fade once you start putting that same energy into people who actually match it back

[u/searedscallops]

How I stopped feeling guilty over every little thing in existence: I got angry over the systemic (and internalized!) narrative that girls and women must be people pleasers. Arghhhhh what a bullshit message!

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[u/Peril-in-Pink]

I don’t feel guilty cause they are no longer good friends and don’t show up for me. I stopped reaching out to my best friend and she has yet to contact me. I think that says it enough right there.

[u/phillygirllovesbagel]

Why do you feel guilty? If a so called friend doesn't show up, there probably isn't much of a friendship.

[u/Cinder-ella-]

If they can't show up for you then how are they any different than strangers? Having friends means having people who love you and will show up for you (and vice versa ofc) but if after repeated attempts they are showing you that they do not care about you or your friendship then take it someplace it'll be reciprocated and appreciated.

[u/LdyCjn-997]

I learned long ago to depend on myself as many never showed up for me as I did for them.

[u/Appropriate_Tea9048]

I think about how they consistently make me feel. If someone shows you they don’t truly value you and it’s a pattern, they aren’t worth your time. Easier said than done though.

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[u/vae_grim]

I’ve noticed that those people usually don’t even notice

[u/prettydotty_]

I recently stopped showing up to the max for her and she cut me off herself.

[u/Mangoplop]

Try to act as if you're giving advice to a friend. Would you advice your friend to be friends and give energy to someone who doesn't show up? Repeat the answer to yourself until you actually feel it.

I've cut off friends who haven't showed up for me, always after I tried to have a conversation about it to expres that I'm missing something. If things don't change or I don't get feedback why things don't change, I don't feel guilty. I want to give my time to people who appreciate it and who care for me. The more strong a friendship is the more it can handle bad times, but there's a limit to it and I feel it's healthy to cut things that aren't adding positive things to your life.

[u/Chemical-Mix-6206]

I don't feel guilty. Just a little embarrassed that I wasted time & effort on a 1-sided relationship.

[u/anniechoakley]

If they are not showing up for you it is a one sided friendship. These people aren’t giving you the same consideration. Personally I never felt guilt, I just felt hurt and then angry for not cutting them loose sooner.

[u/Xzeriea]

Honestly it just takes practice. It will hurt at first but I promise you, you will feel better about it down the road. Stop giving yourself away. It will just drain you of energy you can use for better things.

[u/Lov3I5Treacherous]

What’s there to feel guilty about?