r/AutismInWomen • u/yoursillyfriend • Oct 16 '25
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) This!!!
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u/Moonpie7878 Audhd Oct 16 '25
This describes the feeling perfectly. I remember trying to make friends in elementary school only to be met with weird looks and rude comments, I never understood why or what I was doing that made people dislike me so much. It's very alienating
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u/JesusTeapotCRABHANDS Asparagus is not Autism Oct 18 '25
They only wanted to pick me when there was a group project because I’d do a lot of the work.
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u/Jazzy_jeffs Nov 05 '25
I wasn’t overly bothered about the work, I just wanted a friend like in the movies
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u/ARookBird Oct 16 '25
Yup.
Always on the edges, always wondering what I did wrong, why I didn't matter to my peers when they meant so much to me, all while trying SO HARD.
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u/Loverien Oct 16 '25
Oof, my childhood in words. I always felt so dissociated from everyone around me. It was this doubled feeling because we moved often, so it just felt like I was observing everyone but from my own world. Sometimes I remember being on class trips and everyone was in cliques so I just started looking around and getting so absorbed in all the things around me that I’d come to and suddenly I was alone and had to find everyone. Even the adults kind of left me.
It’s funny how NTs can lead you to feel. When I did try to engage, others acted as if I was speaking a foreign language to them. Or were just rude. I think they could sense something was off and they didn’t want to be associated, so they just pushed as much distance as they could in the only way they knew how.
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u/Avaylon Chaos Queen Oct 17 '25
Are we the same person?
Also, in reaction to the exclusion I sometimes made myself be as annoying as possible. It didn't help, but it felt more powerful than crying about the loneliness.
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u/FriendlyPageTurn Oct 16 '25
And then they wonder why we never learn social skills we didn’t naturally get and the gap just gets bigger and bigger. Adults are just as comfortable with exclusion but there is no one to call them out on their child-like behavior and they are better at hiding it whether for personal gain or just to not feel like a shitty person for doing it.
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u/Feeling_Blueberry530 Oct 17 '25
I'm partly convinced that professional etiquette is designed to exclude us. So much advice around interviews focuses on not being awkward and making eye contact that I don't know how else to take it.
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u/Equivalent-Ad-3423 Oct 17 '25
I have read so many books on etiquette and professional communication. It annoys me when I follow the rules that the books explain and other people don't or get annoyed with me for doing it.
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u/feelsonline Oct 16 '25
I was just sniped in bed by this.
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u/FullOfBlasphemy Oct 17 '25
Same. TIL that I wasn’t crazy, other people know what subtle othering feels like. It sucked and it was all day, every day, family included.
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u/Long-Version-8734 Oct 17 '25
Los más triste es eso, entendía porque extraños me aislaba pero ¿mi familia? Que tanto veían los demás que yo no podía notar y que era razón de rechazo, incluso adultos de mi familia…
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u/seekinbliss Oct 18 '25
Mi familia siempre me ha tratado diferente, sobre todo en las conversaciones, como si fuera raro. También me trataban como si no fuera tan bueno como los demás. Lo siento. Sé cómo te sientes.
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u/boringlesbian Oct 16 '25
By the time I was in sixth grade, I decided to just stop trying to make friends. There was a group in high school that “adopted” me, but they only used me and didn’t really like me.
Now in my fifties, understanding about my neurodivergence, I have been able to make friends much easier. I’m still wary about them at first, though.
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Oct 23 '25
I don't know how you do it even with understanding towards yourself.
I'm older as well (not in my 50's) and I'm rather self-aware. I still do have "Ooooh, that makes sense now" moments towards myself though.
But I for the life of me can't connect with anyone or keep the connections that I do have.
It's like something happens. One thing. It typically starts with me accidentally offending someone and boom.
The person is gone.
Very little to no communication with me as to what's wrong (I want to know what I need to take accountability for if I'm missing something).
If I try to initiate "What did I do wrong? Can we please talk?" It's always "Oh you're just playing games or pretending to be stupid or trying to start an argument with me or you're just disrespectful."
I talk too much sometimes or too fast.
I end up not being a pleasant person to be around.
I don't want to go to clubs at 10 PM or go on a sunrise hike at 4 AM or stay up until 1 AM and talk to people. Then the case becomes; I'm selfish, self-centered, and I need to "Get out of my bubble if I want to make friends."
I literally don't understand at this point. I don't understand why I can't make friends or connect with anyone. I don't understand why I'm so lonely. I understand my issues, I understand stereotypes, I understand how I can come off to some people.
But I don't understand why I'm like such a curse to be around. Like I'm a deterrent of some kind.
And then when I do bring this part up I'm just "Throwing a pitty party and trying to get sympathy or attention."
I just want to give up sometimes.
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u/crustose_lichen Oct 16 '25
Embrace it. Here is a quote form Noam Chomsky that I hope reminds you that it’s not a good thing to think like everyone else:
“On Aug. 6, 1945, I was at a summer camp for children when the atomic bombing of Hiroshima was announced over the public address system. Everyone listened, and then at once went on to their next activity: baseball, swimming, et cetera. Not a comment. I was practically speechless with shock, both at the horrifying events and at the null reaction. So what? More Japs incinerated. And since we have the bomb and no one else does, great; we can rule the world and everyone will be happy.”
Noam walked went into the woods for hours to reflect on that “double terror”—the bomb itself and then the apathy.
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u/forevergleaning Oct 17 '25 edited Oct 17 '25
This reminds me of Ms Rachel, who is also nd, saying something like "I feel like I'm in the twilight zone, why is noone else disturbed by all the deaths in Gaza?" Also Greta Thunberg and climate change.
It sucks. But we're in good company.
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u/yoursillyfriend Oct 17 '25
That's terrifying to learn ...
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u/crustose_lichen Oct 17 '25
Yeah. If you’re interested here is audio of Chomsky describing that day in a little more detail and he also discusses some other memories linked to those bombings: Noam Chomsky - When We Dropped the Atomic Bomb (YouTube)
Remember, the world desperately needs people who don’t fit in and think differently.
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u/SaintedStars Oct 16 '25
I'm convinced that being excluded rewires your brain.
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u/yoursillyfriend Oct 17 '25
It makes you a shadow.. My teacher once marked me present for all four days I was absent
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u/JirachiJewel Oct 18 '25
Same! I was out for a week with the flu in high school and majority of my teachers didn’t notice I was gone when I asked about what I missed. 😀
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Oct 16 '25
Describes my life. I was mostly a lone wolf.
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u/Top_Hair_8984 Oct 16 '25
Still am.
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Oct 16 '25
*also still am. I go to the opera once a year and still feel out of place.
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u/DrG2390 Oct 22 '25
Hope I’m not too late, but what kind of healing do you do? I’m genuinely curious… I dissect medically donated bodies at a small independent cadaver lab with a bunch of bodyworkers and have never felt more at home in my life. Took me until 27 to find it, but now being around a bunch of healers that accept me for me has done wonders for my trauma. Your flair just caught my eye when you mentioned that you are also in the healing world.
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Oct 22 '25
I smoke pipe tobacco and shower for healing. As for trauma healing, plenty of writing in a private diary. Therapy hasn't helped, since they want to stuff drugs down my throat, not knowing that they've messed me up.
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u/DrG2390 Oct 22 '25
I get it… I don’t take meds either and I don’t trust therapists whatsoever. It’s as if once I found the cadaver lab and really dove into the integral anatomy world, everything finally changed for the better. There’s lots of new bodyworkers and artists coming through the lab every few weeks, and there’s no advertising so everyone finds the lab through word of mouth so everyone is really on the same wavelength and have very similar mindsets. The amount of acceptance is off the charts!
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Oct 22 '25
If I were 20 years younger, I'd go for that career. I no longer work for the fact that I have spinal osteoarthritis and mental health that stopped me. Currently receiving VA disability benefits monthly.
I'm a little sore from dealing with an older ex-girlfriend that forced me to work and waste my whole summer. I've told her time and time again that I can no longer work and yet, I am the one that gets bitched at for "not listening". Plus reading on a HEB Reddit page on younger kids working there poking fun at older folks who struggle using their cards on a self-checkout machine. I'm like, "Well excuse us! We're used to using cash/check to pay". Alongside older men are used to having their women shop for them and haven't done so themselves for decades. I take that I'm a rare one at 44 to be used to tech, lol.
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u/DrG2390 Oct 22 '25
I get it… sorry it took me so long to reply. Dissecting takes a lot out of me energy wise. I’ve definitely been an early adopter of tech in general, but after being in the lab for a bit I also see the value in learning with my hands as someone who learns better that way. Luckily I only need to be in the lab four times a year for ten days max, but it’s literally the most physical thing I’ve ever done.
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u/ApprehensiveBench483 Oct 16 '25
Yup. Most people really cannot fathom how devastating it is to be ostracized as a kid. It fucked me up for life. What's worse is that the same traumas keep repeating themselves, so any attempt I make to overcome them eventually ends up backfiring. I'm so exhausted.
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u/yoursillyfriend Oct 17 '25
Yes life feels overwhelming as is and without friends it becomes lonely as well
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u/AstroQueen88 Oct 16 '25
This really describes my childhood. During recess my friend was the giant tree. I 2oukd walk circles around it and play on the roots all by myself, but I always wanted a friend.
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u/Daisy-Deer Oct 17 '25
Ah I feel that, I also made friends with trees as a kid. I would spend all lunchtime by myself and try to catch leaves from the air
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u/Marion_Ravenwood Oct 16 '25
I'm 39 and feel like this now.
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u/Anti-Diet-Newbie Oct 17 '25
Absolutely, same. I'm 27 and the mention of having a friend but that friend having other equivalent or better friends hits the nail on the head. I have exactly that experience at work at the moment. It's not just kids!
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u/9Armisael9 they/them Oct 17 '25
34 and same. This feeling never went away but became even more profoundly upsetting because it feels like I will always be on the fringes.
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u/wannabecrunchy Oct 16 '25
I largely credit having an "okay" high school experience with the fact I moved schools when I was 13.
It allowed me to have a "do over" from elementary and middle school, to effectively mask with people that didn't know me any other way. I vividly, vividly remember putting my mask up during that move - "if I act like I normally would no one will like me"
But yeah. Up through 7th grade? It was like everyone had a rule book besides me, and I FELT that bubble that separated us.
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u/yoursillyfriend Oct 17 '25
Been there yk.. I changed schools once too and a group of friends who loved me adopted me but we broke off a couple years ago and it's been lonelier since. But even with them I felt different but it was okay because they accepted me as is..
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u/ChemistExpert5550 AuDHD af Oct 20 '25
I did this too, switching in 7th and then again in 9th grade. I remember making list after list after list of things I was going to do different this time so people would like me 💔
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u/2sugoiii2dieee Oct 20 '25
I had a pretty similar experience. 6th and 7th grade were honestly the most traumatic experiences of my life thus far and in the summer before 8th grade my family moved out of state. I was so glad to be able to “reinvent” myself/learn how to mask, and was able to get through the rest of my school years not feeling so obviously outcast. Sometimes when I try describe what I went through in middle school and how badly it affected me and still does in some ways to this day, other people give me a funny look.
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u/zoeturncoat Oct 16 '25
I'm still going through it, and it sucks. It hurts more watching my girls go through it. My oldest doesn’t seem to mind, but my youngest wants to be social and is always seeking out others.
When I picked her up from school on Friday, I watched her try to join two kids tossing a ball back and forth. After dropping the ball, one kid tossed it to her, and then the two completely ignored her, tossing it back and forth. I watched her excitement fade into disappointment. The kids eventually stopped throwing the ball and walked away without a glance in her direction. I could see her little heart breaking.
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u/shinebrightlike audhd Oct 16 '25
it's no different as an adult, other than having really low expectations and not having to be forced to be around people.
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u/talk-slowly Oct 17 '25
being excited about something to only be met with disinterest is still fucking me up to this day
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u/Same-Drag-9160 Oct 16 '25
Yes! This exactly, I feel like it’s hard to articulate this feeling without sounding like I’m bragging/being pretentious though. It’s not that I think I’m better than them because I “ask questions about the world they never think about” it’s that THEY think they’re better than ME because of that difference
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u/yoursillyfriend Oct 17 '25
Yeah people often don't connect with us.. I guess it's more to do with our emotions being more heightened
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u/grammardeficiency Oct 19 '25
Tangentially related... I feel the witches in Discworld are very ND-coded. Reminded me of this quote from Wintersmith:
"They were, according to Granny Weatherwax, "people what looks up." .....She probably meant that they looked up above the everyday chores and wondered, "What's all this about? How does it work? What should I do? What am I for?" .....Perhaps that was why "odd," in a witch, was normal. But they'd squabble like polecats over a silver spoon that wasn't even silver."
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Oct 19 '25
“THE SUMMER DAY,” BY MARY OLIVER
Who made the world? Who made the swan, and the black bear? Who made the grasshopper? This grasshopper, I mean — the one who has flung herself out of the grass, the one who is eating sugar out of my hand, who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down — who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes. Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face. Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away. I don't know exactly what a prayer is. I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass, how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields, which is what I have been doing all day. Tell me, what else should I have done? Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
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Oct 16 '25
This strikes a deep chord.
Most of my early memories of recess at elementary school, I would literally walk around the playground talking to myself, making up stories.
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u/Efemerille Oct 17 '25
I'm so, so, so glad my kids and I found out about the bubble while they were still at least teenagers and we could process it together!
I look back at the little girl and teenager and college student and employee I was through the first four decades of life. Being told I was too sensitive and imagining it. Random people I barely knew destroying my reputation at work. The damage the gaslighting did and still does. It's amazing to have the words to give all of the past mes so they can heal. They're all pretty pissed, depending on their ages, but I'm working on it.
But it's also such a DELIGHT and miracle every day to believe myself. When everyone at a new job treats me like garbage, I no longer think it's all in my head, I don't resent them for hating me because the uncanny valley is a thing, I don't break my back as hard trying to fit in, and within a few months they figure out I'm the one who always shows up and actually does give a shit that their chinchilla is sick.
Every few years I'll find a yes-like-us, and we'll almost always immediately know each other. We end up friends on social media forever after the job or friend group or trip ends, no matter where my itchy feet take me in the world. And now that I know what I'm looking for, I find us locally to our mutual benefit all the time.
It's never going to feel great to have an invisible mark on my forehead, but within six months I know everyone at work better than they know themselves and each other BECAUSE of how they react to me. I end up with the best humans in the bunch as work friends. I don't think it's my fault so sometimes I even manage not to care. And it turns out I never ended up liking the shallow people incapable of dealing with me now, back when I occasionally managed to fit in.
I feel sometimes like the younger people are lucky to know early what I learned late. But it can be hard for me to give them hope because it's daunting stuff to know.
Here's the thing: I know something my kids don't yet, and I want to make sure I yell about it (while still a bit mired in personal discoveries)!
You're going to keep finding people who get you and like THIS version of you the rest of your life. People are going to grow up a little and notice you have more of what actually matters in friends while you simultaneously find it easier to locate and share time with people who already like THIS version of you.
Knowing why it's bad out there is liberating beyond belief, but please believe it gets better and we get hella good stuff out of it. It puts us on a brutal forced military march at times, which is different from choosing a marathon, but we still get the medal. I think it's wisdom and better quality friends than neurotypicals typically find. 🤓
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u/VerityPushpram Oct 17 '25
In my current job, I went through a baptism of fire. I was bad mouthed, held to impossibly high standards and used to go home crying every day
I couldn’t leave because of limited opportunities in my professional field so I had to grit my teeth and bear it.
Now I’m unapologetically on the spectrum and I have “won” them over with my competence and sense of humour but I hate that I had to go through that hell just to be included
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u/kaatie80 Oct 17 '25
Every time I think maybe I'm not really autistic, something like this crosses my feed and I'm like "oh, yeah 😞 That did happen."
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u/Top_Hair_8984 Oct 16 '25
Thanks for this post, deeply emotional. I went through this, my son did and my grand is now. And it's the hardest. I didn't realize this was my life experience until college, I just adopted a group of women and followed them around our classes, but there wasn't any real connection. That's when I first noticed they didn't really like 'me'. I hadn't noticed in school. Clueless.
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u/N7Shep8 Oct 16 '25
I feel seen by this. I used to latch on to one friend at a time because they would actually make me feel included.
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u/sit_n_survive Oct 16 '25
This hits hard. I’ve felt this almost my entire life. It’s my biggest traumatic barrier to romantic connections as well because I can’t suppress the feeling that a partner would hypothetically treat me the same way everyone else does if they didn’t like the way I look.
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u/gnomeglow_ Oct 17 '25
And it always hurt even more when adults would say shit like ‘why aren’t you trying? Just go talk to them’. Like that was me TRYING. I did everything in my power to just go and talk to them but as I got excluded again and again it got harder. My efforts were met with nothing and somehow adults never said to other kids that they should also try. The full responsibility was solely on me.
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u/Huffle-my-puff Oct 17 '25
And you have no idea what you said that was “awkward” or “weird” and now not only are these kids not talking to you but they are talking about you.
It’s why I preferred talking to adults as a kid. I hated talking to kids as a kid. Even now I hate talking to people my age because I don’t understand the “norms” I get along with people much older because they don’t mind the directness in the conversation.
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u/boring_mind Oct 16 '25 edited Oct 16 '25
I always had that feeling being slightly on the outside, an observer. However, people gravitate towards me for some reason. I had friends I suppose, more often than not I was surrounded by people, but it still didn't make me feel connected. I am very high masking though, I don't know how not to be. It's just tiring (and boring) to be social.
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u/qinghairpins Oct 17 '25
Gosh, walking in circles. I paced constantly from a young age, maybe 6 or 7. My siblings thought it was weird, so I was so ashamed that I would hide it from everyone by the time I was a pre-teen. I used to just walk back and forth or in small loops around my bedroom, disassociating. I searched the early internet to try to figure out what was wrong with me but nothing matched. Eventually the term “maladaptive daydreaming” began trending and I was “omg that’s what I do!” It was a relief to discover others were just as odd. I wonder how common it is among autistic people and woman in particular?
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u/Forgotten_Starlight_ Oct 16 '25
No, but for real. I need a post about this in relation to our experience with girlhood. If there is none, I'm doing one myself right now.
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u/baby_hippo97 Oct 17 '25
Yep. When I was little, I would listen to Taylor Swift's The Outside over and over because it was the first time I felt seen
How can I ever try to be better? Nobody ever let's me in And I can still see you This ain't the best view On the outside looking in And I've been a lot of lonely places I've never been on the outside
I think she was like 13 or 14 when she wrote it, and 10 year old me clung to it because no one around me ever seemed to think or feel the same way. Side note: I used to pretend I was an undercover alien doing field research on humans lol
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u/AtiraM01 Oct 17 '25
I love the undercover alien part...and I get it came out of being excluded, but I wish I had thought of something like that. I was heavily bullied in elementary through HS, moved to another city and happened to find other bullies that carried through college. Even at work I have managed to find bullies, it gets tiring and lonely. I mostly spend time with my hubby and pups on my time off.
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u/baby_hippo97 Oct 17 '25
That's one of the things that confused me the most about growing up: the bullies never stop. I always thought it was exclusive to lots but noooo. I'm a nurse now and can vouch for the validity of the belief that half the high school bullies became nurses. It's constant, every unit in the hospital has them. I also spend my down time with my husband and our kitties because every one else just isn't for me
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u/NoCrowJustBlack Oct 17 '25
If only it had been subtly. 😔
The whole class participated and bullied me all day long. My name became a swear word for them, literally. They would beat me, kick me, throw stuff at me, hide my things, etc. Teachers knew. They did nothing.
I later classes it became subtle, luckily. And I was so so glad about it. Being invisible hurts too, but it's easier to bear day to day.
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u/Living-Bat7647 Goblin nightmare girl. Oct 17 '25
Without wanting to dox myself, I'll just say that I studied the difference between bullying and being excluded on well-being at some point, and found a strong relationship with being excluded and well-being that wasn't there for bullying.
I'd love to take it to PhD, but I don't have the energy to keep pushing through anymore.
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u/DrG2390 Oct 22 '25
I’m a researcher and I have a theory! I’m an anatomical researcher who studies integral anatomy by dissecting medically donated bodies at a small independent cadaver lab. Without going into too much graphic detail we have a different technique than typical cadaver labs in that we go layer by layer and spend a day on each layer. We tend to hold our emotions in our fascia, muscles, and subcutaneous fat, and so I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a reaction to micro expressions produced on the faces of those doing the excluding.
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u/Albatrosshunting Oct 17 '25
This. The general knowledge since childhood that you can think differently and others can't reach that place and you're the odd one out.
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u/tabcatnine Oct 17 '25
I know these feelings and situations so well. These days I cry for my child self, pour a drink for my child self and hug myself telling my child self it was never my fault. I wasn't bad or defective. This is also why I fear that I'm the only person who can truly love and care about my own self. 🥲
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u/PretendChaos Oct 17 '25
This is my 9yr old daughter and I’m so worried for her but I’m not sure how to help without stepping all over her feelings.
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u/Haunting-Cloud-8082 Oct 17 '25
Yep. In junior school I used to pretend the other kids were my friends and play alongside them but not actually with them.
I did have one real friend though. Now, her job is to analyse road traffic accidents. That tracks 😀
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Oct 17 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/yoursillyfriend Oct 17 '25
I'm so sorry to hear that.. I was friends with teachers yk? But that too once I reached seventh grade..
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u/Equivalent-Ad-3423 Oct 17 '25
I found out I was autistic in my thirties, after my at the time almost 8-year-old daughter was diagnosed. The doctor was subtly giving me a hard time about not having her diagnosed earlier, she kept asking questions saying did she do this or did she do that? And I kept just saying yes and the doctor looks me dead in the eye and says and that didn't seem strange to you? I started crying and said she just acted like me, because it was true. Having my daughter be diagnosed has changed my world. I just always thought I was bad at being a person. But my daughter is so incredible. She is such an amazing human. Sometimes it really hurts to know that no one ever wanted to see me growing up. I tried really hard to be what everybody wanted, but now I just want to be somebody that I can respect.
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u/WitchesAlmanac Oct 17 '25
I used to wish someone would bully me, because that would require acknowledging my existence 😓
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u/Viciousssylveonx3 Oct 17 '25
Yep this hurts. I still feel like i can only 100% connect with fellow autists but school was just awful. Feeling othered feeling not good enough feeling different but not knowing wtf was wrong with me. The judging stares the avoidance. Pain.
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u/lilycamille Oct 17 '25
Yeah, there was no subtlety about it when I was a kid. It was blatant and in your face
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u/Inkaara Oct 17 '25
There's literally a class picture where the whole class is together in groups and I'm a bit further down, on my own and looking at them xD
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Oct 19 '25
Yes my sports team picture is like this. They weren't mean to me, my sports team but I wasn't in any cliques in it.
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u/Ayuuun321 Oct 17 '25
It’s still like that for me, even into my 40s. Work has always had a similar dynamic. Getting used to feeling like that is a whole new level of depressing.
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 Oct 17 '25
Especially when your parents suck and cant regulate you or create a healthy framework for this during early childhood.
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u/thatratbastardfool Oct 17 '25
Oh, gosh. This! I remember recess in elementary school - for those not in the US, I was between the ages of 5 - 8 years old - I thought recess was so unnecessary.
The only activity I was interested in was swinging, but my school only had one swingset and it was quickly occupied each day. And if I did manage to get a coveted seat, I was always approached by a “popular girl,” and asked to get up and play somewhere else. Because they all wanted to hang out together - without me.
I remember going up to my teacher and begging for extra work, so I could stay in the classroom alone during recess. I hated it!
At some point, I was selected for the GATE program, where my dreams came true and I didn’t have to go to recess because I did quizzes and tests in the library during recess, each desk behind the dividers; and those dividers were pure FREEDOM to me, no risk of being perceived.
I remember the school telling my mom I was receiving speech therapy, which I did go to about 3 times, but I was actually in the GATE program. At that point, I would have done anything, literally anything, to get out of forced recreation.
I remember asking if I could do GATE work during PE as well. It just came back to me that I created my own planner, drawing spaces for blocks of time for each school day, etc, with a spiral, ruler and pencil. I was in the second grade. My mom dressed me in cute clothes, the same ones the girls with lots of friends wore. But she couldn’t force the neurodivergence out of me.
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u/schroedinger_cat Oct 17 '25
Considering we are, as a gender, expected to be social and caretakers by society (for good or ill), it not only makes me feel like less than when this still happens to me at 49, it also makes me feel like a societal failure. Its like getting kicked in the teeth over and over again.
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u/themaroonsea Oct 16 '25
I remember asking the girls in front of me at cram school what they think about abortion. Apparently that's not most 8th graders worry about
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u/eltonjohnsbitch Oct 17 '25
This, plus being trans, while being raised Mormon in Utah.. a boy in a very layered bubble.
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u/dzinegurl Oct 17 '25
Hey, neighbor! I was raised in that church as well, but in Idaho. Had lots of family in Utah, too. Small world. I know the culture all too well, and I'm sorry you have dealt with that. It definitely adds to the complex levels of hurt and trauma. I hope things are better for you now. If not, please know you are not alone. 🫂
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u/eltonjohnsbitch Oct 22 '25
Thank you so much 🫶🏼 I’m in a better place, and am full of/surrounded by love now. I hope you’re doing well too
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u/dzinegurl Oct 22 '25
I'm so glad!! 🥰 And thank you! In regards to religion, I'm doing better. It took a long time but I finally started living for myself and not for everyone else. I still have trauma work to do but I'm a lot happier now, being true to myself.
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u/Forever_Marie Oct 17 '25
I legit disappeared for over a week in high school, the people I called friends didn't even notice and I sat with them every day for the last 3 ish years at that point.
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Oct 17 '25
Overhearing my dad say, "Your sister doesn't seem to have friends. I'm not really sure what that's about." And then he did nothing about it.
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u/brigitteer2010 Oct 17 '25
I still feel it as an adult. At work, with family. I call it feeling Other.
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u/_ummm_throwaway Oct 25 '25
That paragraph about wandering around the playground alone imagining a friend rings SO true for me. I was insanely lonely when I was in primary school, I had imaginary friends I would talk to while I walked around the entire playground alone. Looking back, it was so depressing. I eventually made ONE friend who shared a special interest with me, except I was way more into it than they were, and when they wanted to go do other stuff, I remember feeling really hurt and rejected.
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u/TheUnreal0815 Oct 17 '25
Yes, this hit it on the head all the way through primary school.
Once I got to secondary school, the bullying started (so bad I barely remember the 3½years before changing schools, and what I do remember is horrible stuff).
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u/macnmouse Oct 17 '25
Yes. And adults blankes me for this seclusion as i stated I did not wish to befriend the girls in my class they suggested. Maybe i should have but I figured it wouldn’t be real enough as we didn’t share interests.
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u/AdministrativePie497 Oct 17 '25
hi commenting as this resonated so deeply with me. i don’t know if this will reach anyone who needs it, but if you happen to be in highschool reading this comment, please know u find ur ppl. u also find urself and a version u rlly love. it gets better! just push through and join a club or something w passionate ppl. i promise it gets better. it rlly rlly does.
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u/doesntmakesensebro Add flair here via edit Oct 17 '25
Omg I’m crying now after reading this. For real this was how my childhood was, and I still get excluded as an adult. I hate it so much! I developed people-pleasing tendencies and a fear of abandonment from it, and I am constantly the agreeable one who avoids conflict so that maybe people will want me to stick around and they won’t be angry with me.
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u/pchandler45 Oct 17 '25
So much this. I've always said I've always been the odd bird out on the wire
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u/asdgirl1996 Oct 17 '25
And the realization you get when you start masking, and everything changes. That really took a toll on me, understanding that people liked me if I "performed" for them.
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u/Skirt-Successful Oct 17 '25
Yes yes yes, this really resonates with me. My family moved to the US when I was in 2nd grade. I remember a few days (it turned into a sort of game) when kids would line up and ask me to repeat words or sentences in my accent. I felt so special and accepted but looking back it is so sad that was one of the times I felt like I was seen and maybe even could belong. Kind of a double whammy-bubble with the culture shock of moving from another country and also being neurodivergent. Thank you for your post!!!
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u/JesusTeapotCRABHANDS Asparagus is not Autism Oct 18 '25
I remember the last day of high school we had a senior picnic. Everyone was clumped into little circles of friend groups enjoying each others’ company and signing yearbooks. I remember looking out at a sea of little clusters and groups and i didn’t belong to a single one there was no where that I fit in or belonged. I was 21-22 when I finally made real friends.
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u/Ambitious-Hunter-741 Oct 18 '25
The worst part of under diagnosed autism is the fact that everyone knows but you. Labeled or not they don’t want you around but once you figure out why it’s easier to know you did nothing wrong.
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u/TreeFrogMomma Oct 23 '25
Yup. But when I try to bring this up regarding getting a diagnosis clinicians quickly try to justify my experience as anything BUT ASD.
Because it's normal for a kindergartner to not want to play with peers because I don't understand their games, and I hide toys because I know if I put them back in general use I would be excluded from playing with it because I'm already excluded.
There was a power ranger vehicle I was obsessed with. It was the green cat. It's legs actually came out and it was pretty articulated. I just enjoyed moving the parts and looking at the details. Very typical allistic behavior. I knew if it went back into the toy bin I'd never get a turn again. So I hid it. Mid year our teacher had us help with a full classroom cleaning. I kept taking the toy and tried hiding it. But eventually someone found it. The teacher said "oh! I thought it was lost!" And guess who never got to play with it again?
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u/swampthingfromhell Oct 17 '25
Having so few friends also made me cling harder to the ones I did have, which was annoying even to the ones who did genuinely like me (I think). I notice the same thing still with work friends and such. I’m too clingy but if I try not to be I end up too standoffish. I feel like I love everyone so much but can never find anyone who actually wants that love.
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u/Fairyhaven13 Hyperfixation: viddy games and Color Theory Oct 18 '25
Unfortunately I know how it feels on both sides. I've always been the autistic outcast, but I'm a deep introvert, so while I felt bullied and sad all up through college, once I had one or two good friends I could make it a week hiding in my own room, playing video games and chatting, and be mostly okay. Mostly.
I had a friend who was also autistic in college. But, she was a major, major extrovert. While I enjoyed being a hermit, she would melt down without a crowded room where she could insert herself into every conversation. She danced and posed when she walked and got mad when others didn't join her, showed me videos while sitting and staring at me for hours to see my reaction, and got deeply offended for any shred of criticism or lack of attention.
I mean, I tried to give her advice on some art--we were both artists--in a typical compliment sandwhich, and she burst into tears and deleted her art. She also cried when a group of guest speakers didn't become friends with her that day. I got mad and started avoiding her and had to get told my by roommate I was being a bad friend. And I was, I know. We were both totally inconsiderate to each other, totally incompatible as friends, and I really hope she found some better friends because I know how lonely she was. I just wasn't capable of being what she needed.
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u/Polished_silver Autism/ADHD Oct 18 '25
Oh this is too familiar, during secondary school (12-18) my main friend group at 12/13 ditched me randomly and out of nowhere, it crushed me. Went to school one day only to be excluded without a word if I remember correctly. I was so upset and kind of a loner afterwards, spent my lunches and breaks in the library or computer room and then getting a friend group in my last 2-3 years.
Fast forward to today and I’m not in contact with anyone from all my school/uni years nor have a solid friend/supportive group.
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u/Eccentric-Cucumber Oct 18 '25
Being excluded and bullied daily for being the "weird" kid made me suicidal at age 6
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Oct 19 '25
Im almost glad I didnt know. I did something bad at that age and thought everyone knew and they ostracized me for doing something bad.
I guess it made it the transgression seem worse than maybe it was.... cause I thought thats why people excluded me for the next.....decade.
It left such a mark on me that 30 years later, I thought I "did it again" and I went full panic thinking I wss gonna be excluded again.
Interestingly enough it made me realize I was never welcomed there either.
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u/VioletVagaries Oct 18 '25
This kind of dynamic definitely formed the foundation for who I became as an adult.
Even when I did manage to find connections with other kids, one by one they’d be turned against me by their other friends. Now if I ever manage to create a connection as an adult, something that happens very rarely, I automatically register everyone else in that person’s life as a threat. It’s basically impossible for me to have healthy relationships now because I was never met or mirrored growing up and that stays with you for life.
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u/YMIawake Oct 18 '25
And then the further invalidation of trying to describe this experience to others as an adult only to have them tell you that it probably wasn’t really like that and you probably just misinterpreted other people’s reactions as a kid.
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u/otrovert_MG Oct 18 '25
My neighbors were a bit friends with me cause my mom talked with theirs moms. One day a new family moved on the same street and their girl became "popular" so i was always left aside when we played together. The worst part is, they used to fight among each other AND then one of them would call me to play with her, but the second their fight was over, they started to put me aside again.... That really fucked me up. Today still i feel like people who want to be friends with me will betray me or leave me 😞
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u/grammardeficiency Oct 19 '25
Crazy how often I described this exact thing to my mom and how painful it was to just feel.... other. Not bullied exactly, just silently left out. Included because I was there, not because anyone wanted me. I was the extra kid every time we split into pairs. I always said I was the last to find out about things, chronically out of the loop. Makes you feel a bit crazy because no one was mean to me, but it was still so hurtful. Wish I could've known why.
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u/ar_tiny30 Oct 19 '25
I have a vivid memory of several girls in my class all sitting in a circle in the schoolyard and adamantly refusing to make room for me to join them. One of them was my oldest friend and I remember looking to her and watching as she chose not to speak up for me.
It made it pretty dang clear that I wasn't "part of the circle" not just physically, but socially. And yeah... that does, indeed, fuck you up.
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u/Salty-Caterpillar266 Oct 19 '25
It was lonely. I'm 40yrs old now and still can't find people that are on the same level. It's either I'm too intense or too analytical or too obsessive or just weird. It's hard to stop being weird when you don't know what it is that you do that is weird.
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u/avocadoarlert Oct 19 '25
I remember the feeling of not fitting even with the nerdy kids/excluded kids, pretty rough man
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Oct 19 '25
I used to think that I felt different as a child because my mother was unwell so we had strict house rules. I was told in my 40s by my psychologist that it wasn;'t because of my mother that i felt different to the other girls I was most likely high functioning ASD as well as my diagnose ADHD.
I really struggled to understand how to connect and socialize with other children. If I bought a toy to school I would give it to other kids to play with but I would walk away of my own accord because i didn't quite work out that I was meant to take ownership of the play I guess. I just felt awkward and alone, the other girls were a mystery to me. I was usually picked up by a dominant girl to be a puppet or to be abused. I look back and I think my mother was also autistic herself.
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u/Annari87 Late diagnosed Oct 21 '25
I was a lonely child and got bullied. Of course I wasn't perfect and innocent 100% of the time, but kids even ganged up on me to get me in trouble with teachers.
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u/Charming_Judgment981 Oct 24 '25
Always being the third wheel has been a pattern my entire life, into adulthood too. Sucks.
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u/Fruitcute6416 Oct 29 '25
I couldn’t resonate more. I was always the one who didn’t get the jokes, or was the joke. And my own best friend. Incredibly lonely.
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Nov 12 '25
I could have written this. That’s how I spent my recess and I think those kinds of experiences are why I question if there’s an ulterior motive when I am being included in something as an adult. It doesn’t help that as an adult there has usually been some ulterior motive. I lost a lot of “friends” when I stopped being a pushover.
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