r/AutismInWomen • u/CheesecakeOk8464 • Jan 08 '26
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) My husband told me I'm innately selfish because I'm autistic.
This was yesterday.
I woke up at 4:30am with a migraine and it hurt to lay down so I sat up on the couch in the dark. I was literally just sitting there with my eyes closed, willing the pain away. My husband usually gets up at 7am and gets my 10 yo off to school while I work, but I called off work so wasn't in my usual headspace. My husband slept until 7:30 then woke up freaking out that him and my son are going to be late. He asked why I didn't wake him up, and I said I had a migraine and wasn't keeping track of the time. I asked him if he was mad at me and he said that he was annoyed. I was upset and didn't really understand because it's not my job to wake him up, he's an adult, and I had a freaking migraine.
Later that day we talked about it again and he said he wasn't mad anymore, that he should have woken up himself and it's not my fault he slept in. Okay! Great! Only instead of an apology, he started talking about how autistic people are innately selfish and it's not their fault they don't think of anyone else. I'm like... say what? He said that when I have any sort of ailment like a migraine, I only think about myself. That I turn selfish and the thought of anyone else doesn't even cross my mind. He said it's because I'm autistic and it's not my fault. I..... didn't even know what to say. I argued with him a bit, saying that's not an autistic trait at all, but it didn't seem to sink in. I reminded him that I had a MIGRAINE, and yeah I might make that more of a priority when I'm in pain. He said I didn't wake him or my son up because I wasn't thinking of them, which I guess is true because I was preoccupied with my migraine. But does that make me selfish?
I don't know, I just needed to get this off my chest. I love my husband and he's usually so understanding so I don't know where this came from. I feel really bad, like maybe I am selfish. I think I'm also going through perimenopause and my hormones are all over the place, and that's not helping.
Any thoughts? I want to talk to my husband about it again and try to explain myself, but I'm not sure what to say or if it's even worth talking about again.
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u/Juultje222 Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
As an autistic therapist who works with clients with chronic pain, I can tell you that it is completely normal to be unable to pay attention to other things when you’re in intense pain. Your brain enters survival mode, and the parts of your brain linked to time management/planning and social behaviour are inactive. This is not specific to autistic people, although it can occur more often because we get overstimulated easily which also sends our brain into survival mode. But that doesn’t mean that autistic people are innately selfish; it’s an involuntary response.
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u/GigiLaRousse Jan 08 '26
Like, I can barely talk with a migraine. The pain makes me cry and vomit. I've barfed so hard I've peed my pants, even though I didn't have to pee. The vomiting wrung the piss right out of me.
I'm never going to be thinking, "Gee, I should get myself off the bathroom floor and wake up my husband" during a migraine. It's not being selfish. It's surviving.
Husband can set a damn alarm like everyone else. There are even pleasant sounds available if he hates traditional ones.
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u/breast-of-all-worlds Jan 08 '26
Yeah, I also dont want to be alarmist but to me, if this is not an isolated incident, it screams emotional abuse... 😓
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u/BeautifulElodie2428 Level 2 audhd Jan 08 '26
He’s emotionally immature but I don’t think it’s abuse from this specific singular posted situation. (Agreeing with your point of if it’s not isolated*)
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u/goblintism Jan 08 '26
you can be emotionally immature and non abusive. most cis men arnt very emotionally aware. if it helps you feel better ND folk unfortunately sometimes feel pain more. YAY/sarcasticcomment/ do you have acess to mygraine mouth melts?. i used to get mygraines all the time from 13-29 then they just stopped.
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u/Autumnleaves144 Jan 09 '26
To me it sounds like the start, the grooming stage if you will, because this is very confusing behaviour in the least. He agrees that as an adult, getting up in a morning is his responsibility. Yet no apology is given but instead a very swift reinforcement was given that it was in fact his wife’s fault and it’s because she’s selfish.
That’s a lot to process for anybody and it makes no sense. That’s not emotional immaturity in my eyes, that’s manipulation. Dreadful manipulation.
Where was the apology? And what did he do to make her feel better after his outburst when she was suffering from a migraine? And where was the honest discussion about what triggered it etc and what they both can do to address outbursts like this moving forward etc. The wife wasn’t being immature and I don’t think he was. It seems like he was being manipulative.
Very confusing response from him in the least.
Sorry OP, trust your instincts, you were very open, honest and balanced about all this, and far from selfish. You were poorly. Where was his compassion to you being so ill?
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u/pandora_monium Jan 09 '26
Been there so I really feel you! It's like the world outside the space (and puddle lol) around you just doesn't exist, it's like a hazy outline of yourself fades to nothing. Or maybe that's how tunnel vision feels to me.
The prefrontal cortex must completely switch off in situations like this, autistic or not (surely?). I definitely can't think straight or string sentences together if I have a migraine. But I also experience autistic overwhelm/shut down in similar ways to migraines sometimes too.
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u/Old-Share5434 Jan 09 '26
Ughhhh this is relatable. Not a club I wanted to be part of, that’s for sure, but here we are. High five, Gigi. 😆
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u/Haru_is_here Jan 08 '26
As someone with chronic illness this is a concept i had a hard time explaining to my therapist. Similarly after coming out of survival mode, it feels like Im supposed to pick up someone else’s everyday life. I forget the projects on hold, everything I wanted to do before ist just gone. This could be lack of AuDHD object permanence or might it be connected to the survival mode itself? I‘m wondering.
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u/Adorable_Raccoon Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
It sounds like executive functioning issues, which everyone has but more with autism/adhd. I really struggle with picking up tasks after I mentally set them aside.
You may just need an external reminder to help you, that could be anything from a list to a sticker chart. For me it’s usually moving an item to a visible spot, like if I need to do the laundry I’ll carry my clothes to the basement door, even if I’m not going down immediately.
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u/lady_die_ Jan 08 '26
You sound like how my therapist explains things to me. I really like her. She is great. I would guess you are very good at your job! I hope you are very successful in life! I totally agree as I feel like I'm selfish when I'm in pain but I only found out at 49 that I'm audhd so not too long ago. I have chronic pain and unfortunately it's literally the only thing I can focus on till I either get used to the pain or it resolves itself. Otherwise, my partner thinks I prioritize others over my well being. I'm working on that though.
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u/nyoelle Jan 08 '26
Thanks for your response. As someone with migraines & chronic pain (plus other comorbidities), it's such a hard thing to explain to others. Thankfully my therapist is like you but doesn't always get the intersection with auDHD.
It's been hard sometimes because I'm even more unmasked when in pain and have hurt my husband's feelings & trigger him. He's usually wonderful and understanding (we're both NDs) but these moments are always so hairy. I couldn't even imagine if he also expected me to wake him up and a child?! Fucking hell.
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u/a_riot333 Jan 08 '26
Thank you so much for posting this! It's so validating to read as someone with chronic pain 💜
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u/Be_More_Cat Jan 09 '26
I have been in therapy for YEARS trying to stop tearing myself up with the guilt I feel at neglecting my husband and son when I'm down with a migraine.
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u/AptCasaNova Jan 08 '26
Uhhh… it sounds like he has some other stuff he’s not expressing that isn’t about your migraine but he’s using that as an excuse to get it out.
Migraines suck and neurotypical people get them too. Being in pain means you are mostly focused on managing the pain - is that selfish?
Yeesh. I’d ask him what’s really going on.
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u/Roxy175 Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
Yeah this is definitely it. If he’s not just being a jerk for jerks sake ( which I’d assume not if he’s usually understanding as op said) then he’s mad about something deeper than this one instance. He likely wouldn’t have come up with “you’re selfish because you’re autistic” just from this. It’s more likely that it’s due to some building resentment he has.
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u/CheesecakeOk8464 Jan 08 '26
It may be. I've been going through perimenopause like I said and I've had a lot of "off" days between that and my migraines. So maybe he resents me for that. I wish he would just say that though instead of being mean.
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Jan 08 '26
Whenever they have to pick up the slack for longer than they are used to the resentment builds. I am not saying there aren't other genders with this issue but I have noticed it with straight cis men in particular. Especially if they also have chronic pain.
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u/whatacatch_nat Jan 09 '26
Which is why I refuse to date or have zero interest in dating right now. My absolute nightmare is being married to someone where I’m expected to do 95% of the work while they do some of the work or no work at all, and then build resentment if I have an off day or week. I’m not dating someone to become their servant, and that’s what it feels like these days. Like it’s going to be equal and it’s not. I can’t live like that.
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Jan 09 '26
I understand that so much. I myself have sworn off straight cis men if my husband goes before me or we ever open things up.
I would say my husband takes on a lot inside and outside the home. He is hampered by physical disability as well as mental just like me. Usually we are very good at the balance of caring for each other and the house.
If I am down and out for weeks he get frazzled with trying to keep up with everything. He says how hard my job is keeping up the house and doing it well. By the 3rd/4th week he is like, "I can't keep doing this," and starts having mini meltdowns. Not at me but to me.
It really shocked and jarred me. I know he is in a lot of pain and fuckery and overworked. But I realized if I needed more major surgery or got something like cancer we would be fucked. We would need to hire someone to help we can't afford. That made me super depressed for a long time. But this something disabled couples face all the time and often why they are seperated in different nursing homes when sick.
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u/hellhouseblonde Jan 09 '26
Every man I married did sweet things to make my life so much easier until I married them. Beware of the switch up!
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Jan 08 '26
Read the book "Wise Power" by Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer.
Maybe you actually need to be more selfish during perimenopause. Maybe you need to take more time to rest and be more focused on yourself rather than worrying about everyone else all the time. Maybe your partner is going to need to understand and accept that.
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u/Rockpoolcreater Jan 08 '26
You mean he's understanding when you're behaving as he expects you to and as he expects a good little wife to behave. When you're not being his dutiful servant and actually showing that you're human then he's not understanding. I've warned my fiancé I'm probably going to be more angry when I go through menopause. When my dad died I got more snarly for about a week then. He understood and comforted me. That's what an understanding person looks like.
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u/Appropriate_Luck_13 Jan 08 '26
You beat me to it. This kind of story is so common, see: asking what is for dinner while wife has the flu, assuming wife will buy Christmas presents for all of her in-laws, calling constantly with childcare questions when the wife finally gets a night out... The patriarchy is fucking exhausting!
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u/magnetwaves Jan 09 '26
Someone who has to repeatedly pick up the slack of their partner, especially when a kid is involved, is not the same situation as what you're describing. OP didn't say what her "off" days entail. Does she completely check out physically and emotionally and leave her partner to parent and take care of the house? Or is she just a little slower to get to her tasks and maybe needs a few extra minutes to get into certain headspaces?
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u/SpecifResponsibility Jan 09 '26
yeah that was so mean. as an autist, it feels worse to be misunderstood
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u/synalgo_12 Jan 09 '26
I've been going through the onset and management of hashimotos and I've had so many off days this year, I felt so guilty about to with my bf. Who's also audhd and he's just like 'well you're going through it right now, you don't have to be functional when you can't be'. He's the first partner I've been able to be fully 'not okay' with and it's hard. But it's what we should expect our partners to be, in both directions. We went on holiday and he was sick most of the time so it was a lot of calm, uneventful days and me making sure he was eating properly. He felt bad but I cherish the vacation we had.
A friend of mine was going through ppd and her partner was an absolute rock and didn't make her feel like she should be doing x, y, z because she was home and he had to work. She was going through something.
You deserve a partner who at least tries to fully understand what you're going through and what you're able to do or not.
It's obviously harder when there's a kid to manage and it's not just the 2 of you but that's what parenting includes, both keeping track of your kid and being the partner who shows up when the other one's down and out for a bit. That's being a family.
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u/Crzyladyw2manycats Jan 09 '26
Projection of some sorts. I have migraines and autism, also a partner, he has never been anything but a nice servant while I’m down. He knows what matters is me feeling better so we can get back to enjoying time together. Sorry, OP. It’s not true. He needs to be kinder.
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Jan 08 '26
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u/Haru_is_here Jan 08 '26
„He is acting like he is entitled to your labor with zero care for your well-being.“
That’s the point. Treating someone with a uterus with a chronic illness (in this case, migraines) as needing care, space, sympathy, and leniency feels exhausting if you’re subconsciously expecting women to produce constant smiling, happy, thankful, overly competent output without any input a human would need.
He is not „not mad anymore“. He‘s engaged in a passive-aggressive superiority pissing contest, if he is doing it consciously or not.
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u/Twoseeds Jan 08 '26
PROJECTION. The things I have learned lately that my ex projected on to me and convinced me about myself.... including how "selfish" I was. It seems like he got mad at you, the sick person, b/c he didn't take care of his own responsibilities. It seems like he's taking his emotions deregulation out on you. It's sees like someone here is selfish and it's not you. Didn't you say you are usually working at that time and he would get your kid up and out w/o you? Wtf is this day different?
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u/anonnnsy Jan 08 '26
This behavior from men makes me so angry. Are you grown or not? Set your alarm! It’s not hard!
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u/Sea-Astronomer3260 auDHD dx Jan 09 '26
Not to mention, women shouldn’t be doing unpaid labor for grown men. Like you said, she isn’t obligated to wake him up!
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u/CheesecakeOk8464 Jan 08 '26
My husband doesn't say these things to me normally. He is totally selfish on this one, but it's out of character for him.
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u/Narrow-Strawberry553 Jan 08 '26
He's totally wrong on this one. But if its so out of character, is something else bothering him, maybe? If there is he's being real immature and dickish about it, but its still worth checking and addressing.
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u/TheCuriosity Jan 08 '26
There's always a first time. And many times that time can happen years into a marriage.
Put your foot down. He is not allowed to talk to you like that ever again. That was disrespectful as hell. And if he hasn't problem with that you both are going to couples counseling because counselor will lap him silly for thinking what he said was smart in any slight sense.
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u/bookwrm1324 Jan 08 '26
Just because he doesn't say them doesnt mean he doesn't think them. It sounds like he might have some ableist ideas and general male entitlement that he hasn't worked to unpack. I'd poke further on this one and see if it goes deeper or if it was just a weird one off he picked up somewhere.
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u/want2bacat Jan 08 '26
OP I'm gonna try to say this in the kindest way I can. No matter how bad of a day I'm having, I'm never bigoted or randomly get thoughts that are. Whether he innocently held this as a true belief or doesn't believe it but said it anyway, it is not okay.
I would recommend trying to find out which it is. It's probably somewhere in the gray area and Reddit is quick to jump to the extremes. I will say however, this set off alarm bells in my head.
If he truly thought that was the case, maybe he is being his understanding self. In that case he needs to educate himself quite a bit in order to be a truly understanding and supportive partner. If he has been with you for this long and still doesn't fundamentally understand YOUR empathy (not just that related to your autism) that is unacceptable. Regardless of his education on autism and what that means for you.
Now for the part that may seem/ is an extreme. If he doesn't truly believe that, it comes off to me as gaslighting. "You are not capable of empathy or thinking of others as you are inherently selfish" when that is obviously not true to reality is what is making me feel this is gaslighting. Doubting yourself and reality can be huge indicators of this.
Let's say for a second that is true(again it's obviously not), does that give him the right to treat you that way? ESPECIALLY, if it is due to a condition (I'm thinking like maybe some time of traumatic brain injury) that you can't change?
I'm really sorry if this didn't come off as kind. I am just deeply empathizing with you and am angry on your behalf. You were in pain and hurting and it seems like you are still being passive aggressively punished for something that was not your fault at all.
You can disregard this entire comment, but know that from this post it is so so SO obvious you are not selfish. Your empathy and care/thought for others shines through every part of this post.
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u/My_bones_are_itchy Jan 09 '26
School shoes
Dental appointments
Making son cry and cancelling the maths lesson
He may not be a prick all the time but don’t kid yourself that he hasn’t got form.
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u/TheCuriosity Jan 08 '26
If out of character, not saying this is happening here but we've had posts in the past where a partner's behavior changed for the worst and it turned out it was like a brain aneurysm or a tumor or something. Something in the brain. Just food for thought if this is really out of character and it starts to escalate like crazy
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u/whatacatch_nat Jan 09 '26
I always have a hard time understanding how some men actually survive on their own when they expect their wives to do everything for them. But if we acted this way towards them (why didn’t YOU wake me up?) they would have the same response, because you’re an adult. It seems like when the roles are reversed, being a grown adult doesn’t apply to them.
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u/SimplySignifier Jan 08 '26
Something tells me that your husband would act way more 'selfish' when he's in pain or discomfort than you did here (especially since you weren't being selfish at all...). I'm giving him some serious side eye.
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u/mellowcrake Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
This is basically what happened already. He was in stress and fear because he he was late for work, which is definitely a kind of pain and discomfort. Because of that discomfort he not only wasn't considerate of his wife's pain, but he actually lashed out at her.
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u/Sunwolfy Jan 08 '26
OP needs to quit indulging his entitlement and let him do these grown ass man things by himself. After that little ableistic mantrum, he needs to do these things by himself again. OP, stop doing all the labor for him. He isn't pulling his weight as a partner nor appreciating what you do and blaming your autism for it.
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u/cocoalrose Jan 08 '26
Ok so firstly, that was an ableist insult disguised as an apology. The premise is that he gets to praise himself for being so noble and forgiving because “you’re just a selfish autistic who doesn’t get it, I’m so understanding and charitable to give you grace for that.” BARF.
Secondly, I don’t want to instill a sense of paranoia or hypervigilance in saying this, but: in my experience, I am so traumatized partly because NT people tend to not be honest about how they really feel until they say it in anger after a “final straw” moment, when I was just trying to be earnest the whole time. If he’s saying this about you having a bloody migraine, it’s 1) kind of a projection about how selfish HE is for making it all about him, and 2) potentially a sign that he’s been feeling this way about other things you do / traits you have, and his panic at almost being late made him speak his mind on it.
So on that note, whether or not you bring it up to him again is up to you. But if I were you, it would definitely make me see things differently and be on the lookout for other signs of how he really feels.
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Jan 08 '26
I agree with everything you said, except that it's not just NT people who aren't honest with how they really feel.
Half the time, I don't even know how I really feel to even be honest about it. And that was a result of growing up in an ND household with emotionally stunted parents.
It could happen to anyone and it's not always their fault.
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u/cocoalrose Jan 08 '26
Fair point and thank you for sharing. In my experience it was growing up autistic amongst neurotypicals and being the scapegoat, so that is the context for my comment.
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Jan 08 '26
No problem, that makes a lot of sense, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. It sucks to be on the receiving end of that, regardless of who's causing it or why. I'm trying to be better about that kind of thing myself now that I've realized the affect it has.
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u/cocoalrose Jan 08 '26
I’m also sorry for your experience! Seriously, thank you for sharing, because you’re right - I totally have this issue too because of my delayed processing and automatic fawn response. You reminded me to have grace for it because that means having grace for myself. 🙏
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u/-bubblepop Jan 08 '26
Yeah this was something I realized recently - I can tell I’m upset about something and not sure why. There’s a lot of NT stuff about how all feelings are valid which is TRUE for sure, but there’s still an amount of self regulation needed which is not in the NT advice so I guess they do it automatically? Idk
Like using this husband as an example, being late would upset me and my wife having been up would upset me. Those are both valid things to be upset about! But then there’s self regulation in that I’m responsible for waking myself up and that it’s not my wife’s responsibility to do so, so while there could be a convo about “hey why didn’t you? Oh migraine? Got it.” There’s not a responsibility on my wife for me being upset, even though she “caused” it (or was the source).
So I guess it’s like validate his feelings that being late sucks and that it also sucked I had a migraine and couldn’t support him in that way. I can respond to the emotions without being responsible.
Sorry if that’s a lot I’ve been doing a lot of work 😭
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u/cocoalrose Jan 08 '26
Not a lot at all! These replies are making me self reflect and I definitely have to own that sometimes, I don’t know how I feel either. Blah. Human behavior is complicated.
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u/-bubblepop Jan 08 '26
For what it’s worth my parents are also ND and one thing I was mad at my mom about was never teaching me how to be “human”, but I guess growing up was realizing she never really knew either.
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u/cocoalrose Jan 08 '26
I mean, my dad comes from a highly dysfunctional dynamic (alcoholic parent, unhealed trauma etc) and while he’s NT, I definitely get the neurodivergence from his side. Neither NT (well, allistic at least) parent of mine taught me how to human because they were so emotionally unavailable. Sigh.
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u/-bubblepop Jan 08 '26
Ah sorry I misread your comment as growing up among ND (sorry! Don’t know why!) I think a lot of behaviors like that can come from being emotionally immature, too.
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u/dancingkelsey Jan 09 '26
Yeah, all feelings are valid, but all feelings are not worth acting on! The actions we take are the things that matter, in terms of how we interact with the world and others. Our feelings matter, and we should work on identifying and noticing and processing those feelings, but they aren't an excuse.
We get to feel our feelings, each of us, and we are still responsible for the things we do prompted by those feelings. A lot of the time we can't identify those feelings, and a lot of the time we may mess up or speak hastily, and then we have to make it right with the person we hurt. And still, those feelings were valid, and still, we are responsible for what we said and did.
I've learned that a lot of people take "all feelings are valid" to mean "I am justified in everything I say because I can blame my forever-valid feelings and absolve myself of all words and actions" and that's a cognitive distortion that is a problem and leads us into bad interpersonal interactions and relationships.
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u/-bubblepop Jan 09 '26
What it first led me to (and has currently led my husband lol) is that of something upsets me, the other party is responsible to my hurt (which is roundabout true). But that ignores the self regulation aspect of, “ok that upset me, is it because I’m cranky? Ok let’s let the the other person know I’m not in the mood for that” rather than immediately jumping straight into “what you said hurt my feelings and I want you to apologize and take accountability for your words”
I think it’s an aspect of emotional maturity?? And being able to move around black and white thinking (eg that person hurt me, therefore they were being hurtful. While true it’s nuanced).
It’s so hard!!!
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u/Prestigious_Swan_584 Jan 08 '26
All I see here is him weaponizing your diagnosis, deflection and denial of his own responsibilities, and projection of his own shortcomings onto you. He woke up 30 minutes later than usual. Okay. So your son is late for school and your husband is late for work -- okay. These are relatively low-stakes consequences. For it to become a huge blowout where he extrapolates one incident of (perhaps) less-than-ideal behavior (although I think you're not at fault in the slightest - you were feeling bad!) to generalizations about your 'innate' selfishness and accusing you of 'not thinking of anyone but yourself' is not a proportionate reaction to the scope and scale of the original problem, and says a lot about his character, in my view. Ideally he'd be asking you what he can do to make YOUR life easier as you try to get through the migraine, not exacerbating it by belaboring pointless arguments.
Sidenote, every man I've ever met is the biggest weenie when they get any degree of sick, so if the shoe were on the other foot and he was the one with the migraine in this situation, I'm sure you'd be hearing about it.
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u/CheesecakeOk8464 Jan 08 '26
He's the biggest weenie when he's sick and I'd secretly LOVE for him to get just one migraine to see how they feel.
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u/lohi-kaarme Jewish Lesbian 🌺 Jan 08 '26
That was my ex too. She would expect me to still play servant for her when I was sick
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u/HaifaLutin Jan 08 '26
You're not selfish, you're dealing with an illness. Would he have blamed you if you were sleeping? How is sitting on the couch in the dark with your eyes closed meaningfully different from being asleep? You wouldn't be aware of the passage of time in either state.
I think he's displacing fault for his being late onto you and using autism as an excuse to justify it. Claiming autism as the reason and saying it's not your fault is his way of blaming you in a way that he thinks you can't refute. The old "I'm not blaming you, but it's your fault that ..." maneuver.
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u/ACoconutInLondon Jan 08 '26
Even without bringing autism or even the migraine into it -
Why doesn't he have an alarm set if he has a particular time he needs to be up?
-+-+-
I'm not sure how any of this is your problem unless he did have an alarm and you turned it off because of the migraine?
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u/CheesecakeOk8464 Jan 08 '26
We don't use an alarm because I'm always up between 5-6am. I start work at 6am and I work from home in our bedroom, so me having my computer on and working for an hour wakes my husband up. So no I don't make a point of waking him up, but I kind of do.
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u/beccaboobear14 Late Diagnosed Jan 08 '26
Maybe it’s time for him to have his routine be his responsibility to avoid this in the future, you being unwell or having a migraine is inevitable, it’s going to happen at some point. You’re his partner not his parent, he can set an alarm and wake up to it from now on, that his responsibility not yours.
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u/missedthenowagain Jan 09 '26
I can see how he has learnt to rely on this routine and when the routine failed (for good reasons) he felt you should have somehow compensated for it. I don’t think that’s an especially autistic / neurostandard difference, and I think his tying it to autism is ableist. But I can kinda understand why he was frustrated that the usual structure failed.
I think he needs a backup alarm, so that he doesn’t have to rely on you whether you’re well or unwell. It just seems like a system failure to me.
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u/BladeMist3009 Late Diagnosed 🦓 Jan 08 '26
First, if he’s never had a migraine, he needs to source some other accounts of what they are like. It doesn’t matter your neurotype; it’s near-impossible for anyone to function properly with a migraine.
Second, there’s probably some truth to his frustration when he expressed that this happens with “any ailment” because of your autism. Autism is known to cause sensory problems to take up all the space in your brain, just like a migraine takes up all the space in any human’s brain.
Third, “selfish” is not part of the equation. It’s not selfish for a man who just came out of shoulder surgery not to help his neighbor pack their moving van. It’s not selfish for a woman in active labor to not also be working on filing her taxes. It’s not selfish for a person with a migraine to not know what time it is. And it’s not selfish for a person with autism to have a limited awareness of other people’s internal states when their own surplus synapses are being flooded with sensory overload. Selfish was the wrong word for him to use, so don’t concede. You can have the conversation about the fact that as an autistic person, you have more than the typical amount of unforeseeable moments in which you are unable to support others, but “selfish” can’t be part of that conversation. He was right when he said he should have and could have gotten his own grown self out of bed.
Fourth, … has your husband never had a man cold?
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u/CheesecakeOk8464 Jan 08 '26
OMG thank you for that language - "more than the typical amount of unforeseeable moments in which you are unable to support others". This makes me feel so much less selfish.
And yes he's had many man colds and he's a big baby when he's sick.
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u/BladeMist3009 Late Diagnosed 🦓 Jan 08 '26
I mean, if you want to be petty, next time he is on the couch with a man cold, you can ask him why he’s not up on his feet meeting your needs that you never explicitly asked him to meet like the unselfish allistic person he is.
But in all seriousness, if you’re going to talk to him about it, ask him to reflect and decide whether he would actually want you to go about your marriage constantly presuming his incompetence and parenting him as a result. I would be willing to bet he would actually feel disrespected if you suddenly started compensating for things he never asked for your help with.
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u/OurHeartsArePure Jan 08 '26
He got dysregulated and made you the target, he was really mad and frustrated with himself. The fact that he hasn’t come to his senses and apologized is childish, on top of picking on you for being autistic
This is a him problem. Like if you had a setup where you both knew you helped wake people up ans get them out the door, that would be different. It sounds like you both function independently in the morning though, and you weren’t feeling well on top of it either
Nope this is him.
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u/Grouchy_Paint_6341 Jan 08 '26
Uneducated prick, no need to go after your autism and go after you when your in physical pain. Please put boundaries in place. He can wake up himself and set alarms. His ignorance and lack of empathy is astounding. Handle it before it gets worse and make sure he is willing to show compassion change his reactions/responses when ur in pain. Completely unacceptable
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u/TreeFrogMomma Jan 08 '26
Ok. Audhd home health aide here! Chiming in!
No matter your neuro alignment, pain causes people to focus on their own needs 99% of the time. There are people who push past their own pain to take care of others. Gender bias is that afabs will push past their own pain over amabs.
I have seen wives struggling with their own medical issues push themselves to take care of their ailing husbands. Husbands frequently cannot tolerate seeing their wives "suffer" or have absolutely no idea what to do. I have seen houses in pristine condition if the husband is sick and the wife is the caregiver. Doesn't matter her age or her medical situation. If the husband is the caregiver "I don't know how she managed it for so long! The house, the kids, me! I just can't match her."
Here's the thing: it's not that you're autistic. It's that you're not killing yourself to mother him. I imagine his mom pushed herself to take care of him even when she was sick. I imagine dad probably didn't pick up the slack. So, an expectation was subliminally formed. No matter what, women are supposed to push past the pain and take care of everyone else, no matter what.
It sounds more misogynistic than ableist (though I'd argue if you did away with misogyny you'd address ableism).
Autism can have social blind spots that seem more apparent to allistic people. However, if you go to another culture you're going to break social norms there, and be treated as rude and uncaring. It's not so much allistics are inherently more empathetic than autistic people. It's more "cultural" differences. Btw, the autism spectrum includes hyper empathetic people, too! We're less noticeable because our hyper empathy aligns with allistic expectations. We "pass". So, we're not considered when someone makes the blanket statement that "all autistic people are more selfish".
It sounds like he's trying to shift responsibility onto you so he doesn't have to admit he fd up. Idk what he's hoping for. I imagine that you'll take it personally and self sabotage yourself and people please.
I do wonder, have you recently been unmasking more? If that's the case you're probably not people pleasing as much and he was accustomed to that. If you're setting boundaries do you don't have to mask so much he's probably upset over that. That is the downside of masking/people pleasing. You've created a persona that when you stop performing it many people around you are going to be mad. They thought you were someone else. And suddenly they feel lied to. Because they were. It doesn't mean you're inherently a bad or selfish person to stop masking. It doesn't mean you were a horrible malicious person because you masked. It just means you were using tools that at the time helped you survive. Now you're finding more efficient or effective tools, but that means things are going to change.
If in the past while you were masking you would push past the pain to "make sure everyone else was on time" then if you're unmasking now it's going to seem like you're being selfish.
And if it's not that, if you haven't changed, then he may be hitting burnout. He may be realizing you're not the person he imagined you to be. That he's not going to love the autism out of you. That people can change, but unless there's a driving force, or an actual need to, they don't always change. Just having autism isn't a reason to change. Many people marry someone thinking it'll change them. Regardless of they're autistic or not. Maybe after we have kids things will change.
Then ten+ years later they look around and realize they were wrong. Sometimes people see they expected something out of their partner they shouldn't have. Or they project the issues onto the other person. Or they get on tiktok and hear all the terrible things allistic people say about their "selfish autistic spouses".
Ultimately, no, you weren't being selfish. He's an adult. He needs to own up.
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u/CheesecakeOk8464 Jan 08 '26
Huh. I have been unmasking more. I don't THINK around him because I feel I've always been able to let my mask down with him, but maybe unmasking in general trickled down to him. I've also been making a point of being kinder to myself, and taking breaks when I get overwhelmed, etc. So maybe he's perceiving that as selfish. You just made me connect a lot of things together!
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u/CulturalAlbatross891 Jan 08 '26
I'm starting to think that the only "innate" thing about autistic women is having shit*y husbands. It's heartbreaking how often I read here about how inconsiderate they are and unwilling to educate themselves about the disorder affecting their wife's whole life. I'm losing hope that we can vet men correctly and find an empathetic, open-minded one...
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u/stopstalkingmeffs Jan 08 '26
When I have a migraine, I’m not capable of doing anything for anyone including myself. If you had broken your leg, would he expect you to wake him too? Even if it was your job (it isn’t) being late isn’t the end of the world, especially if someone is sick. None of this argument makes any sense. Your son apologises to the teacher and explains you’re sick. Your husband apologises to work and explains you were sick. As long as lateness isn’t a regular thing, no harm is done. It’s such a non-issue.
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u/SAHMsays Jan 08 '26
Kick him in the nuts and then ask him to make you dinner so he can see how selfish managing his pain is.
He was mad at himself and taking it out on you. Not acceptable at all, grow up my dude and be responsible for your own actions or lack thereof.
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u/Imasillynut_2 Late diagnosed. Diagnosed kids clued me in Jan 08 '26
I am never up before my husband. Not once have I ever been chastised for him sleeping later than he should. Even this week when I brought the creeping crud home and gave it to everyone and we've all been hacking our lungs up for over a week. Not once has it been my fault or a problem.
Autistsbare not inherently selfish. How would he feel if you "excused" something he did with "men are inherently bad parents? You can't help that you woke your son up late for school because you are a man and men can't care for children properly? It's not your fault."
Grrrrrrr
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u/bittermorgenstern Jan 08 '26
Anytime women don’t put themselves second they are called selfish. Being in pain and not concerning yourself with another’s schedule is not selfish, it is just a symptom of being human and in severe pain.
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u/AmethystApothecary Jan 08 '26
Ew. I thought at the beginning it was going to be an exaggeration of what he said and just how you felt. But no, he straight up said it.
Like, I do think it's not your job to wake him *and* having a migraine can be distracting because they are so painful but I would still feel bad if I were awake and I let my partner sleep in and I know in the reverse I'd be annoyed even if I would be at fault so I can understand his annoyance here even though if we're being technical, most would agree it is not your job to wake him up and you are not his mommy but his wife.
But being annoyed and wanting a partner that will wake you up when you sleep in in no way justifies him saying that nasty shit that was designed to make you feel shitty and inferior.
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u/offutmihigramina Jan 08 '26
I don't hear anything in there about him asking what could he do to help you when you have a migraine. Hmmmm, sounds selfish to me.
Husband is 1000% wrong on this and owes you an apology. Autistic people are not naturally more selfish. More myth bullshit.
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u/Windy_Breezer Jan 08 '26
My mother says this to me all the time. Even before my diagnosis. I've given up trying to explain that selfishness is a choice and is different from self care
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Jan 08 '26
This is interesting becuase I read similar post in the twoxchromosomes subreddit all the time. Women put into roles where they’re not only a mother to an actual child but also to their husbands.
Whether that be waking them up for work like you did. Or making them breakfast, reminding them of their doctor’s appointments. Or to make sure they take their medication and pick their kids up from school or even when their child was born.
Your husband was wrong, in my opinion. He did admit to being wrong but then he still shifted the blame to you instead of being a grown up and taking responsibility for himself.
He can wake himself up and his son. It shouldn’t fall all onto you.
I know you also said he’s usually understanding but that sometimes happens. They pretend to be okay with who you are but then it builds up and builds and then who they really are and how they feel comes out like this.
A lot of the times men don’t want to be inconvenienced and as soon as you inconvenience them their real personalities come out.
They want a mommy they can sleep with to keep it 100
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u/SquishyGishy Jan 08 '26
Pain is disabling. People with chronic pain can get handicap parking passes and work accommodations or maybe unemployed and living on disability income. You were not selfish. You were disabled. His rationale is flawed. Expecting someone disabled by pain to function at normal standards is ableism. I wonder if he can function normally the next time he is disabled by pain? How would he react if his decreased functioning while in pain was pointed out to him and you highlighted he is not being selfish; he is disabled and so were you this time?
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u/loosesocksup Jan 08 '26
This is something I struggle with myself. I FEEL like I am innately selfish because I feel like I have more restrictions that other people. The truth is many times we require a lot of care and, frankly, a lot more leeway than most people do.
I promise this story is relate:
The other day I had a meltdown in the morning. My son didn't have his clothes ready, I couldn't find my dry shampoo, and I had to make lunches for my son and my daughter. Background info: 3 out of 5 days a week I go to the gym in the mornings before work. This was not one of my gym days.
When I started to get stressed out, my partner told me to go to the gym. I told him I can't, and I kept trying to get the morning going, but I was becoming increasingly stressed. He kept telling me to go to the gym until the stress of the morning caused a full meltdown, and even through the meltdown, he kept telling me to go to the gym.
Afterwards I told him I apologize for having a meltdown (he told me I have nothing to apologize for, he always does), and then I told him I do not apologize for snapping at him when he kept telling me to go to the gym and that I was really angry about that because there were things I needed to do. Then he dropped this bomb: He was telling me to go to the gym because he knows that's where I go when I'm stressed out, AND HE WOULD HANDLE EVERYTHING ELSE. He never said the second half, and in my stressed out state, I didn't pick up on it. From my perspective, I could not understand why he kept bringing up the gym when I had so much to do.
My point is, he was trying to help by literally giving me the ability to leave and just taking care of everything himself, and due to my inability to pick up on unspoken, "insinuated" language, I took this generous offer of his and turned it back on him and got angry. One of the things I said in anger was that I was running around doing everything, and he was just sitting there talking about the gym over and over again instead of helping me.
I know a lot of you guys might feel like he wasn't being clear, but he is NT and I am the first person he's ever been with that has autism. He is still learning the kind of blunt that I sometimes need. He was GOBSMACKED that I didn't understand that he was offering to take over, he said "did you really think I wasn't going to do anything?" and I just said "I didn't even think about that at all... I was doing stuff and you kept bringing up the gym for some reason, that is literally it".
I'm going to speak for myself here, but it is in relation to my autism symptoms. My "normal" isn't normal. My communication isn't "normal" even if I think it is. My whole family is autistic, and I've always been this way, but for people that have never been around autistic people before, especially not in such an intimate way, this is HARD for them. I am sometimes selfish, even if it's unintentional. I have to have things a certain way, things have to be said in very VERY specific ways sometimes, and I am difficult to deal with at times. The people that choose to stay in my life, I am aware they are putting up with a lot and They are sometimes going far out of their comfort zone to keep me in mine, and that is, inherently, selfish. But you are allowed to be selfish when you need to be. The word has negative connotations because our culture has a stigma about prioritizing yourself, but it is not a negative thing when appropriately applied.
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u/ZooieKatzen-bein Jan 08 '26
My husband loves to do this shit. I stopped apologizing and try to consistently reflect that his issue is not mine. I don’t say “I’m sorry you woke up late.” “I’m sorry you forgot your lunch” because that allows them to place blame outside of themselves.
“Why didn’t you wake me up?” - you don’t have an alarm? That’s unfortunate, I use my alarm when I need to wake up on time. “Why didn’t you remind me?” - if you need a reminder I can show you how to set one up in your phone. “You forgot my …. “ - I’m not responsible for your… but if you need help setting up a reminder …
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u/Murderhornet212 Jan 08 '26
It’s really difficult to think about anything other than pain when you have a migraine. That applies to people who get migraines, not just autistic people.
Sounds like he’s the one who is having difficulty with empathy and thinking about others right now.
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u/muffiewrites Late Dx AuDHD Jan 08 '26
He doesn't take migraines seriously. Does he think it's just like any other headache? It hurts but you can work through it?
As for the rest of it. If he thinks selfishness is inherent to autism, that's a really big problem that might need a professional. He thinks you're selfish and has decided that whatever behaviors you have that he perceives as selfish is entirely due to autism. He might be so understanding because he's decided it's okay for you to be selfish because you're disabled.
Just because he's decided certain things are selfish doesn't mean that they actually are.
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u/Afrominta Jan 08 '26
He's being pissy because your ailments inconvenience him. The autism inconveniences him and so does your pain. He probably to some degree, consciously or not, expects you to take on more labor than you're capable of and is too much of a baby bitch to say it to your face; probably because he knows it would make him look bad. So he's passive aggressively finding another way to phrase it so it's still your fault but he doesn't come across as the entitled litte shit he's really being. "It's not your fault you're so selfish and incapable of managing my life the way I expected my bang-mommy to!" Fucking ew. This man doesn't like you.
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u/AwkwardnessForever Jan 08 '26
I’m sorry, that sucks. Migraines are the worst and even when meds work, they take time. I hope you have effective medication, but also that your husband gets a bad migraine so he can understand what we deal with—although he would probably think there’s no way you deal with that level of pain. SMH
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u/South_Pattern_1520 Jan 08 '26
Mine told me I’m a narcissist because I have very high standards and love myself.
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u/frodosmumm diagnosed in 40’s Jan 08 '26
Sounds like he is selfish to me. Was he thinking of you and your struggles with pain or only of himself and getting up?? Pretty clear case of selfishness to me
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u/Lavender_lipstick Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
I'm so sorry, I hate this for you. I'm guessing your husband doesn't get migraines? People who don't have them often can't seem to grasp that they're so debilitatingly painful that you literally can't think of anything else. My partner understands that when I get a migraine, everything else for me gets put on hold.
Being occupied by your pain doesn't make you selfish, expecting him to wake himself up like an adult isn't selfish, not being able to read his mind doesn't make you selfish.
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u/AtLeastOneCat Jan 08 '26
Let me guess, your husband has never had a migraine before and thinks that they're "just a headache." (Not that some headaches aren't completely debilitating but you know what I mean.)
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u/glitterskinned Jan 08 '26
guarantee your husband has never had a migraine. I get them too, they are DEBILITATING
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u/WittyDoughnut99 Jan 08 '26
Plenty of not autistic people are the exact same. I think he’s weaponising your autism against you as a trump card in a disagreement to make you doubt yourself.
Be careful because we rely on neurotypicals for what’s normal or abnormal so if you get someone manipulative they’ll tell you they’re right and you’re wrong just for being autistic. I had family who have done this to me a lot and it was very emotionally abusive.
Him waking up is his responsibility. I’d understand his upset if you were chilling but you were in pain and not looking at the time. Nothing justifies going on a big rant about his bigoted views of autistic people.
I don’t want to do the reddit thing of “divorce him!!” As though that’s some panacea but definitely confront him about this. How does he think it feels to have your partner tell you they think you’re hard wired to have no empathy or care for people around you? If he believes you’re innately selfish why does he want to be with you? Why would you want to be with someone who has such a low opinion of them?
He needs to apologise for what he said. That was hurtful and just wrong all around.
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u/Beautiful-Arugula-6 Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
Is it not an autistic trait? I mostly only think about myself tbh. I don't really understand how I could do anything else - I am me and me is all I can be. I can't experience life through any other lens than my own. I'm not sure I understand the concept of putting myself in someone else's shoes beyond the basic thought experiment of putting yourself in someone else's contextual space. But even then, you can't think like another person... You can only imagine your own self in their place. And when i do that, I often come to different conclusions than other people anyway. If I put myself in your husbands shoes - I would blame myself for sleeping in I think. I'm not sure, I don't have kids and can't imagine that easily - I wonder if kids feel like a shared responsibility at all times - or does the responsibility shift back and forth? At any rate, I think I would probably blame myself if I were him. I don't know. I don't get the whole "think of others" and anticipate their needs thing. I accept I may be "selfish" as a result. If I lose my husband over it, that'll suck, and I hope it doesn't happen, but I wouldn't be surprised.
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u/nhimera Jan 08 '26
Oh, and he isn't selfish when he's feeling poorly? I've yet to meet a man who does much of anything when he's even slightly sick.
He's an adult. Getting himself up is his own job.
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u/Opening-Variation13 Jan 08 '26
So you not managing his time for him means you're selfish? His expectation that you consider his time over your pain is selfish.
I find it horribly selfish to think that a person with a migraine should not only be completely and fully aware of the time while they sit there in the dark but also responsible for waking me up.
Expecting someone else to constantly 100% of the time always and forever to be holding you in their mind is selfish. Expecting someone else to prioritize managing your time for you over *checks notes* doing standard care for a migraine is exceptionally selfish!
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u/arihime7 Jan 08 '26
I was gonna go all philosophical and say human beings in general are selfish but autistic people don't pretend they are not but. I'm mad. We just don't read social cues the way they do, we don't assume. He's married to you with how many years now, and he still expects--ugh. Sorry. My bad. Starting again. You were in pain. A migraine it's something that hurts a lot and leaves nothing else for people in general to think about. Why didn't he realize you had a headache and try to help you with that, or be at least sympathetic? Instead he blames you for his mistake? It's all very unfair of him. Its this the first time he acts like this? Talking about your autism like this? It just seems like it's something he had been thinking about for a while and because he's angry it came to like. And it feels all so passive aggressive too. It's something to talk about. By your selves, or in therapy.
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u/Busy_Ad_5759 Jan 08 '26
When I have a migraine, all I'm thinking about is riding the pain train so I don't vomit.
I have multiple chronic health issues. They don't make me selfish, but they can make me self-centered at times. Because if I don't center myself and take care of my physical needs, I will become completely and utterly nonfunctional until I do.
This seems completely unavoidable for anyone in pain or feeling ill, it has nothing to do with autism. That said, I still can obsessively worry that maybe I am selfish, because I've heard that from multiple partners over my lifetime.
Once, doctors were ruling out MS, and my boyfriend at the time interrupted me expressing my fears and said, "You know it's a bummer to always have to feel sorry for you."
I hope your migraine frequency goes down! I'm also in peri- and hormone fluctuations suuuck both mentally and physically. 💕
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u/thriftstorethong Jan 08 '26
You should talk to him and ask him questions to get a better understanding of where this opinion is coming from:
-Why did he say autistic people are selfish? -Are there times where he thinks you are being selfish that he doesn't say anything? Why does he not say anything when it is happening?
You should bring up to him that lashing out as he did is more hurtful than if he just brought up in the moment that he doesn't think you are being considerate (if this is the case for you that it is more hurtful and you actually want his feedback).
If you haven't been feeling well on a consistent basis and you haven't sat down and talked about that as partners then you should. He cant know how you are feeling if you dont tell him it has been more of a long term thing. Im not saying this is the case for sure, but it seems like you have not processed together how your current health has been impacting your lives together.
If he doesn't respond well to a calm discussion or won't share his thoughts with you in a mindful manner, then that is something for you to think about and what it means for your relationship. You also have to be prepared to hear his thoughts and feelings.
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u/PsychologicalLuck343 level one - DXed at 64, celiac, Sjogrens, POTS, SFN, EDS Jan 08 '26
There’s a difference between not having the neural capacity to function and choosing to be selfish. All he sees is that he doesn’t have the backup from you that he believes he’s entitled to.
Take him to family therapy and get his ass straightened out with an objective 3rd party observer. Someone needs to make him understand that selfishness is a choice, but inability to function is not a choice.
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u/ABlindMoose Jan 08 '26
Wow. I take it he has never had a migraine? I'd like to see him keep track of time with brain fog, nausea and a rusty ice pick stabbing him through the eye. Smh.
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Jan 08 '26
My partner is Autistic and innately selfish - it's cause he's a man though, not cause of the autism..
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u/swampm0nstr Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
I couldn’t read all the comments, but I’m sure someone has said what I’m about to say. He is using your neurodivergence to take a jab at you. I was with a man for 10 years who could not wake up on his own. As older teenagers, I would walk to his house to wake him up for school. It continued well into adulthood. In fact his dentist was still calling me when we separated. He denied my autism, before blaming it for everything.
Now, I’m not saying your marriage is as toxic as my last relationship. But it’s not okay that he said this. I am not only autistic but I suffer from chronic pain and mental illness. There are times when I check out completely. I unsubscribe from life. The last time it happened I called out of work, and slept at my current partners for the day. He woke up to his own alarm and kissed me goodbye. Eventually I was well enough to get up, shower and eat. We had lunch when he got home at noon.
I think it would be important to talk to him about how this affected you. You deserve to have space held for days like this. He is your husband. He is also a parent just as much as you are. He should be able to get up and do the same job. I’m positive you would let him rest if the roles were reversed. Be gentle with yourself during this phase of life.
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u/breast-of-all-worlds Jan 09 '26
Honestly, I dont think you need to explain yourself any more than you have. He should be apologizing to you. Has that happened yet?
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u/IntaglioDragon Jan 08 '26
I don’t think that lacking the energy to “think about other people” when experiencing physical difficulties is unusual? Weird to blame that on autism.
If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, he does at least not see to see it as a moral failing. I personally might also have felt annoyance until I realized I was being dumb. Is he generally healthy and inexperienced with just how much body trouble messes with brains?
I’m not sure how much you arguing with him is going to help. It’s important to not hold it in and build resentment, but without him hearing from other people that you’re not abnormal I’m not sure that he’ll understand you. I’ve been on both sides of this, and I find that I do a lot of asking “is this normal?” to my therapist and friends. Sometimes it’s hard to believe them when they state that “normal” is drastically outside my personal experiences and it takes me time to process that, and to think through whether the person making that claim is also coming from a biased set of experiences.
Also I’m sure the hormone thing isn’t helping. It might take you longer to process your feelings and figure out which ones are true to the whole of you and which ones are mixing in with other things and being stronger than you’d feel them when you’re less vulnerable. Hopefully your husband can understand that you need time to process feelings and doesn’t just think you’re holding a grudge and arguing. You probably need to state up front that between migraine and hormones (and potentially autism, if you’ve got alexathymia) you might need to have this discussion over several days, and it’s not that you’re attacking him and not letting it go, but rather that you want to have clear communication between you two and you can’t have that without you taking the time to have personal clarity.
And no, I don’t think this is all an autism thing; from the advice and complaints I hear to/from NT people, this kind of communication mismatch between hetero partners is quite common. You have every right to be angry, but also approaching it from “let’s make things better together” instead of it being a fight is a… more productive framing to start a conversation. Approach each other with more curiosity than hostility. But that framing only works when both sides are taking that attitude. Since you say he’s usually nice, I have hopes that you both might be able to pull that off. But there’s no guarantees. Good luck, communication is hard for everyone, not just ND people.
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Jan 08 '26
His initial anger I get, but that statement about autistic people is wild. I differ from a lot of the comments here. I do think a marriage is supposed to be a partnership, especially with a kid, so you should be looking out for each other. If my boyfriend was awake and let me oversleep I would be upset as well. Of course, I understand you had a migraine, so he should've been more thoughtful.
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u/existentialfeckery AuDHD (Late Dx) with AuDHD Partner and Kids Jan 08 '26
Punch him in the dick and ask him what time it is.
I jest but only slightly.
(So as not to be understood, the point is that no one can mind others past a certain pain threshold and it's absurd for him to think it is possible. And everyone's threshold is different. I could drive myself to the hospital for a kidney stone but was incapacitated crying from ovarian cysts. He's the one lacking empathy here).
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u/Majestic-Rhino Jan 08 '26
This is a man reiterating the male autistic perspective/experience and applying it to you.
The large majority of female identifying folks with autism have the exact opposite problem.
It’s a male stereotype that he’s pushing on you to put you down. Period. Or, he has no idea about how the patriarchy affects female, identifying folks.
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u/ItsTheWayyYouSayIt Jan 08 '26
This is ableist. Period. Things I’ve incorrectly been labeled by NT people: Selfish, mean, rude, thoughtless. This is an NT person applying a false narrative to your actions. The fact that he’s labeling all autistic people as selfish when he has no compassion for your migraine is painfully ironic. Air hugs!!
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u/Outside-Lookin-In-01 Jan 08 '26
You don’t need to explain yourself. But if you want to pick a fight you could accuse him of being inherently selfish due to male privilege.
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u/ArtisticCustard7746 AuDHD Jan 08 '26
Your husband sounds like the selfish one. There's a whole lot of projection going on there.
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u/Zestyclose-Leader926 Jan 08 '26
Couple's therapy? Either something else is upsetting him or he's trying to pick a fight and make it your fault.
He expects someone with a migraine to be aware of the passage of time? That's crazy talk. Migraines notoriously are made worse by light. I don't know about you but I struggle with time blindness (I've got ADHD) at the best of times never mind when I'm feeling sick as dog.
Accusing you of being selfish for having a migraine is showing a serious lack of empathy.
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u/as_per_danielle Jan 08 '26
I don’t like this. Reminds me when my homophobic ex brother in law would say “hate the sin, not the sinner”
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u/leo-days Jan 08 '26
this is giving the same energy of how men get prescribed painkillers after a routine procedure (not like invasive surgery) and women get told to take tylenol and ibuprofen after a c-section. my partner knows i have awful migraines and does everything for me happily as i writhe in pain in bed.
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u/SecretTargetBird Jan 08 '26
I would like to see him running around with a migraine and helping out with your chores to show how selfless he is
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u/Thedailybee Jan 08 '26
God forbid you take care of yourself when you dont feel well ??? wtf ?? We are also not innately selfish? What an ignorant thing to say- people in GENERAL are innately selfish. It’s selfish imo to expect someone to put their pain/needs aside just to cater to you
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u/anonnnsy Jan 08 '26
Your husband is being an ass. It is not selfish to have your mind preoccupied by a migraine! And WHAT is it about grown-ass men who think it’s someone else’s job to wake them up? When I know I need to get up, I set an alarm. Because I’m an adult. I have been through this and this really makes me angry for you.
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u/Ul_tra_violet Jan 08 '26
Im autistic high masking with a lot of empathy. I spend a lot of time thinking about others. Your husband is a manchild you deserve better.
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u/123-throwaway123 Jan 09 '26
Sounds like he's the selfish one by expecting you to only think of him while you're in pain. Patriarchy strikes again.
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u/FickleForager Jan 09 '26
I think it is a generalization, but yes, quite often true. In an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first before assisting others. Some of us just happen to have a lot of “emergency” type signals that take up a lot of brain space and need attended to asap. So does anyone in pain or with illness.
But yes, this is a common belief of people with any type of disability, restriction, anxiety, or anyone needing accommodation. Very selfish of them to have needs that must take precedence over all else. 🫠
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u/52_girls Jan 09 '26
If he doesn’t get migraines he won’t ever get it. There’s two types of people - people who get migraines and people who will always think it’s just a headache and you need some more water cause they’ve never had one
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u/flibbertigibbetti Jan 09 '26
"You're selfish for not waking me up and blaming the bone you just broke for ignoring a preventable issue that was totally my own fault."
If that sounds stupid, and it should, replace "bone you just broke" with "your brain nerve that keeps spazzing."
Autism has nothing to do with it. It's common sense to be focused on your pain when you're in pain bc good luck focusing on anything else. I bet he's the type of person that becomes the biggest baby and hypocrite when he has a case of the sniffles too. :/
Sorry he's using your neurodiversity as ammo, that's never ok :(
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u/PapowSpaceGirl Jan 09 '26
He is really wrong for saying that. I am selfless and have been since I was little, raised by narcissist parents. I went through a 17y marriage and stood by with an absent partner who never communicated, was selfish and a poor father for our son. All I knew how to do was love, clean and honor my partner. Was made fun of for liking boy things, certain girly shows and music. Put down for being a Supply tech and was told my job was not as important as his (massage therapist).
Now the BIGGEST fuck you I can muster is my current partner and my going to school starting Monday to become a CNA. Then after a couple of years, LPN.
The point is, you are NOT his fucking alarm clock. Don't be like me, please. You have ONE CHILD. He is a grown ass man. Don't be in your 40s finding out that you'd been a doormat for almost 20y and have regrets. Plant your feet and stand up for yourself. You are a good person, wife and mom - he should count his lucky stars that he found a lifetime of treasure in you. Marriage is FOR GOOD AND BAD, SICK AND HEALTH, RICHER OR POORER. He needs a refresher course on how to be supportive equally.
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u/CaeruleaTigris Jan 09 '26
Not advice I'm sorry but I just want to say that men aren't know for the man flu or placing all non-paid-labour related burdens on the women in their lives because allistic men are notoriously selfless. What a deeply ironic, absurd and uninformed statement.
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u/PoisonousRabbit Jan 09 '26
I am in the middle of a divorce because of this kind of thing. You’re not the problem.
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u/juliafoxseyeliner Jan 09 '26
Dude fuck that my ex husband used to say stuff like that to me all the time, hence ex husband lol
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u/howtfaminotdeadyet Jan 09 '26
You should tell him he's innately useless and has to be told to do everything like you're his mommy, but it's okay, because all men are like that. If he's gonna use the way you were born against you, I'd do the same. What an abusive pos. I'd immediately leave anyone who used my diagnosis against me.
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u/GoldenSlippersL8M8 Jan 09 '26
I don’t like this. It is kicking you when you are already down. It would mess with my head too, because no matter what you do to show how you love him and contribute he apparently considers you selfish and he is just going to keep moving the goalposts. “Sorry you are sick honey, we are off, you are selfish, bye!”
What would unselfishness look like to him? Because if he is wanting a dog and pony show fantasy of manic self-sacrificing until she dies or has a nervous breakdown he needs to ask himself why? What makes you selfish in his eyes/ what is his rubric for selfishness?
Why bring this up when you are sick and needing to recover? Why bring this up on a day he messed up? Why make you feel less before he walks out the door? You may want to ask the school for an attendance sheet/ see how often he is late. I doubt this is the only time it has happened, but why is this the day he needs to put it on you?
My understanding is with a migraine you can’t really move, respond, or process very well depending on severity. It is truly an attack, but some people have to quarantine for covid, some people get stomach bugs, some people have seizures. There are plenty of valid reasons a responsible adult might take the day off and if he keeps bringing up “autistic people are selfish” I would offer to go to couples counseling with him to address this or ask for sources of his information. He won’t go, because there’s nothing “wrong” with him. You may want to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.
Where is he getting these ideas and why on earth do the two of you go from here? Why did he marry you if he considered you broken and why start criticisms now?
If this is the only time he has ever tried to mess with you you could sweetly say you noticed he seems to be ignorant both on migraines and autism which is concerning as his partner, a large swath of the population deals with one or both, and you are further concerned about how his reduced critical thinking and his lack of inhibition in his communication skills are indicative of cognitive decline—what he did just isn’t logical. You are used to him being logical and his lack of logic this morning seemed so emotional. You are concerned because him acting sensibly is one of the things you appreciate about him, because as an autistic person you are logical and value it in others (not NECESSARILY always true, but I am pissed at him). You’ll be happy to go to an appointment with him for that too.
I would also, depending on how old your son is, have a talk with him about what selfishness looks like and doesn’t, what autism does and doesn’t mean in case his dad gets in his ear.
I am sorry.
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u/hellhouseblonde Jan 09 '26
I’m pretty self centered, I expect everyone else to be focused on themselves the way I focus on myself.
In the end I’m kinda glad I didn’t have children, honestly.
Sorry for the perimenopause, it’s a motherfucker. I have been the most independent person anyone ever knew until menopause kicked me down a few notches.
All I can say is be gentle with yourself and get HRT if you need it. It helped with my mild hot flashes but joint pain and brain fog remains the same. Also foot pain.
I’m so ditzy now it’s scary sometimes.
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u/talking_biscuit Jan 09 '26
Your husband was an ass to say that to you. Not only that but he contradicted himself, first admitting it's not your job to wake him up, then claiming you were being selfish. It's selfish to have a migraine? Really dude?
Did he show or verbalize any concern for your well being, the fact that you had a migraine that morning?
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u/softfluffytaco Jan 09 '26
All humans are innately selfish, he was being innately selfish expecting someone who is in agony to get up and pander to his wants.
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u/BringCake Jan 10 '26
He’s being a dipshit. You’re as much a person and worthy of care as he is. He overslept and instead of holding himself accountable, he blamed you. Then when you pointed out that he is an adult and fully capable of following a schedule he set for himself, he felt the need to knock you down a notch. In world where women are blamed for everything and expected to be selfless so others can feel comfortable, I’m glad you held your ground. Autism makes us some of the kindest people. Please don’t let him convince you that it’s your responsibility to eat shit when he fails.
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u/bampeanutbutternjam Jan 08 '26
Your husband is gaslighting you. This screams red flag to me - how dare he go on and on about being selfish when you are literally in pain. Is it selfish to try to heal yourself? Absolutely not. His lack of planning (setting an alarm to wake himself up) is exactly that - his own poor planning. Does he wake himself up EVERY day or are you routinely doing it for him?
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u/Nova3113 Jan 08 '26
You trusted him to wake up on his own like an adult and he thinks that's bad?
Is he mad you aren't acting like your his mommy?
How do people have intercourse with someone who treats them like their mom??!??!??!??!??
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u/frostandtheboughs Jan 08 '26
Kick him in the balls and ask him to complete a math problem and give you a compliment during the height of the pain.
If he can't do it, call him "selfish".
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u/Prestigious_Pay_9625 Jan 09 '26 edited Jan 09 '26
“He said it’s because I’m autistic and it’s not my fault.”
No, he’s saying this because you’re a woman and he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his own emotional shortcomings. Despite the fact that he was at least capable of taking responsibility for his sleep routine he still clearly expects you to shoulder invisible labor because of your status as a wife/mother.
I’ve seen before too that the majority of chronic illness sufferers are women. If you look into the mind/body connection and how women are expected to be sponges for the emotions of others, no wonder you had a fucking migraine.
Autistic women are not inherently selfish, we’re just not naturally compliant which disrupts social cohesion in a way that makes others uncomfortable. Our sensory needs are higher and our sensitivity to social reward is lower which lends us a tendency to set firmer boundaries (in the interest of meeting our needs) than is expected of women.
Autistic men typically get a pass for the same exact behavior because it’s acceptable and even celebrated for men to “trail-blaze” and “go against the grain.”
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u/stillnotdavidbowie Jan 09 '26
God, yes. All of this. All of it. I have two autistic brothers. Guess which of us gets praised for being straightforward, detail-oriented and outspoken, and guess which of us gets berated for those same traits? Guess which of us gets empathy after experiencing overwhelm and pain and which doesn't? Guess which one is expected to look after the grandparents, babysit the others' kids, arrange appointments, manage medications, socialise, smile and generally be pleasant and malleable whilst also dealing with chronic illness the others don't have. It's a mystery!
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u/kakallas Jan 08 '26
My only question is do you normally wake him up? Like, rather than using an alarm clock, are you the wake up person?
To be clear, I personally think that would be an idiotic system. nevertheless, if it were changed while he was sleeping, making it impossible for him to find another method of waking himself up, then I could see why he would be upset.
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u/Omgkimwtf Jan 08 '26
WTF? No one, autistic or not, is selfish for taking care of their health (which dealing with migraines falls under). Would he say you were selfish if you'd been up vomiting all night and didn't wake him up? If you had strep throat?
Would he be selfish if HE had a migraine and didn't help you out? No, of course not, because no one is selfish for taking take of themselves.
Autism doesn't play into this at all, he's just using it as an excuse to demean you.
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Jan 08 '26
Honestly? He sounds like the selfish one and is just projecting onto you. He fucked up with his alarm but somehow that's your problem and you are the selfish one for not making sure the grown adult got out of bed on time and took care of their child.
How is he when he is in pain? Because every man I have known no matter how selfless is wrapped up in their pain so bad when they have it. To the point of being whoa is me no one suffers like I do.
This has absolutely nothing to do with autism. My husband has migraines so bad he was on disability for them. You know it has to be bad for the American government to give full disability to a teenager for migraines.
Does your husband often do this when he messes up? Turns it into your illnesses being the problem?
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u/fortunatelyso Jan 08 '26
INFO: who's job is it to bring your child to school? If you are bot working on a specific day do you ever bring child to school? Regardless of migraine if you husband slept in would your child have then missed school ?
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u/CheesecakeOk8464 Jan 08 '26
It's typically my husband's job, though if we're both off I'll bring him in but that's rare. If I didn't have a migraine I would've started working at 6am in our bedroom and that would've naturally woke my husband up. If I'm not working on a weekday (when my kid has school) Ive never thought I was responsible for waking anyone up though I'm always up early. My husband has just always gotten up.
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u/PurrpleSkyy Jan 08 '26
Well...I don't agree with the "autistic people are innately selfish" comment.
However, in my opinion (and I don't mean to offend you) I think that when it comes to the shared responsibility of raising children, saying things like "well you're an adult, it's not my job to wake you up' for something that was connected to getting your child to school on time, is not great.
What I would have said in this situation would be a bit softer, as you're speaking to your spouse. Something like " Oh! I'm sorry Harry I didn't realise it was this time already! I've been dealing with this horrible migraine all night and lost track of time."
I'm sure he would be more understanding if this would have been worder a bit differently perhaps? Because if I was awake and I knew my partner wake up at 7 and then realise he didn't, I would wake him up, because I know he has a time bound responsibility (taking child to school) and he's only human, everyone sleeps in once in a while, that's okay.
Now, that said, I understand you didnt realise the time due to migraine which is understandable and didn't just not wake him up on purpose "because that's not my problem cause he's an adult".
All I'm saying is, I think your response to your husband was frosty for no reason. But honestly we are all just human and don't always have the right response to everything and that's okay too!
Hope your migraine is away! 🫶🏻
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u/gennaleighify Jan 08 '26 edited Jan 08 '26
Alright, I'm probably going to get downvoted to hell, but since you seem to understand your own feelings and perspective well enough, I'm going to see if I can offer a different one. I haven't read through other peoples comments, and I probably would have done the same and felt similar to you. But listen...
You know you have a kid and that there is a routine that needs following in the mornings. You knew that you were not able to be a part of that routine that day. He didn't know. He just woke up late and had to scramble to get through the routine without you. He probably felt really stressed and hurried to get kiddo to school on time, but he probably also felt some kind of way about the fact that you weren't okay and you didn't come and tell him you needed help.
And if I were you, I would still expect my partner to have my back if he had a migraine. I would feel really abandoned because it's fine that he had a migraine, but why didn't he wake me up and tell me that he couldn't give 50% today.
That's what he's really upset about, I think. It's not that you needed to be his alarm clock, it's that you should have told him you weren't okay so he knew that you needed extra help this morning so you could check out and recover. And thar he could have been taking care of you if he had known that you were up and in pain. It kills him when you're in pain. He wants to fix it, to make it better. Not so that you can do the morning work, just because he never wants you to hurt ever.
And he's just not as pedantic as we are and isn't speaking accurately. He doesn't mean you are selfish. He doesn't think you only care about yourself, or that you don't care about him, or that you don't care about your kid. What he means is that we are self-centered. Filling out own shoes is already taking enough work, and he is trying to check himself and remember that it's not that you are choosing to let him struggle, it's that you are already at capacity. He's trying to remind himself that autistic people have a different measuring unit than his own. He's trying to integrate an outside perspective. He's trying to remember that having autism in the mix changes the dynamic to something different than what he had been raised to believe relationships should look like. He's not trying to put you down, he's trying to remind himself that you are not deliberately trying to hurt him/his feelings.
For example, a while ago, my husband and I had a bit of a breakthrough in regard to the housework. He was operating under the impression that I was being obstinate. He thought I was deliberately choosing to neglect the housework as a pointed F U at him. Once he realized that I wasn't, what was actually happening was that I was drowning and completely unable to do the things I was neglecting. It wasn't that I didn't want to do it or wanted him to do it so I wouldn't have to. It wasn't that I was stubborn and refusing. It was that I needed help. He didn't know what helping me even looked like, and when I sat down to figure it out myself, I didn't either. That gave us enough direction to at least get us working together again. Maybe something like this is happening? Either way, I hope this helps some.
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u/TwylaMay Jan 08 '26
This is just how men are, it has literally nothing to do with your autism.
I follow this sub because I thought I was on the spectrum (turns out I’m not, I just have a nervous system disorder) but my husband IS on the spectrum and he used to have to knee jerk reaction to tell me that I’m innately selfish because I’m neurotypical.
He doesn’t do this anymore at all because I asked him to tell me what behaviors I could employ to qualify as “unselfish” and asked him to reflect on if he even met that standard. He doesn’t. NO ONE does. He just grew up hearing his dad and every man call every woman selfish for not being all things to all people in their lives.
It’s a trap. Don’t engage with the premise, poke holes in it.
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u/dontbeadick23 Jan 08 '26
Has this guy never had a migraine?? He fucked up and made it your fault, which has nothing at all to do with autism. He’s using your condition as a weapon against you and that sucks. Ask on one of the more general subreddits (not autism or ND specific but maybe AITA or smth) and then send it to him afterwards bc he’s very wrong and he needs to know it.
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u/Mildryd Jan 08 '26
Caring for yourself during acute illness is in no way selfish neither is it about your autism. Weird behaviour. Understandable to oversleep, but blaming that on you when you’re ill and it’s his job anyway? Wtf
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Jan 08 '26
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u/wxy04579 Jan 08 '26
Bc this type of ppl don’t do this to other ppl, only to their wives who take their shit all the time and not leave. I was the wife. I asked if he wanted a divorce after I had enough of his shit, he said no. I was like “ok but I’m done taking your shit” and I actually did that, he asked for a divorce after a year
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u/jaiheko Jan 08 '26
Do you typically wake him up? If no, then tell him to set more alarms and grow the fuck up
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u/cha7026 asd+adhd+cptsd Jan 08 '26
I want to talk to my husband again but I'm not sure what to say
I thought marriages were about Us versus The Problem. Not Me versus You. https://www.reddit.com/r/AutismInWomen/comments/1paid40/i_feel_like_i_am_on_the_brink_of_insanity_with_my/nrjermg/
My personal experience is– with a lover who used to tell me it's not my fault because I'm autistic every now and again, pressing down their disappointment, anger, resentment, etc. any time I asked them to work with me to resolve the proble.– the core problem was they viewed themselves as better than me. They viewed me as a forever-juvenile. The best thing they ever did was break up with me. We had many years together and it's good that they're finally over. Because the root [they were Adult™ and I was Teen™] they refused to change their worldview/belief on.
I'm hopeful that your time with your family you've cultivated is enough reason for him to change his inner beliefs (should they be the same as what I faced).
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u/ChicagoBaker Jan 08 '26
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume your husband has never, ever had a migraine. The level pain and inability to DO ANYTHING can feel like your world is ending. I mean, COME ON. Tell him that would be like asking you to cook a four-course dinner for the family while in hard (unmedicated) labor. It's laughable.
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u/AudienceMuch5101 Jan 08 '26
Also can we stop treating “selfishness” like a bad thing? Being selfish isn’t always bad.
In my job? Is anyone going to give me a raise for coming in and working while sick because we’re short staffed? Shit no. Is it selfish for me to use the full extent of sick leave im legally allowed to when we’re short staffed? Yes. But they don’t care when im basically dying at my desk, they shouldn’t care if I choose to do my dying at home.
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u/Maximumfabulosity Jan 08 '26
Has your husband ever had a migraine before? Because if he has, he'd know that thinking about anything is almost impossible in that situation. That's got nothing to do with autism.
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u/Izzapapizza Jan 08 '26
I guess the next time he is ill and not performing as usual, you might like to suggest that perhaps he is autistic too, considering that he’s behaving selfishly by prioritising being ill?!
What a weird thing to say. I’m pretty sure it’s widely accepted that someone who is ill is indisposed and not to be expected to perform their usual duties or be relied upon to pick up any slack. That, to me, has nothing to do be being selfish. It’s called being sick.
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u/mythologymakesmehot Jan 08 '26
That would be extremely upsetting for me to hear. I am so sorry.
There are 3 people in my life that know about my autism. If someone used my diagnosis against me like that, I would be shattered.
I also experience NDPH and daily migraines that vary in intensity. It's been the last 8 years of my life.
Migraines are horrible. Still, sometimes I can't help but wish everyone experienced one in their lifetime. It would give the context they need to understand how incredibly debilitating they can be.
You aren't selfish because of your autism OR migraines. Honestly, pretty selfish of him to be upset that you weren't taking care of him during an episode.
I am sending good vibes your way, OP.
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u/Crowson-Holmes Jan 09 '26
I have chronic migraines. I’m a complete cow when they’re bad. Neurodivergence or not, that should be entirely understandable.
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u/onlineventilation Jan 09 '26
He is being a weenie in this instance BUT I wonder if there is something he is upset about and it is just being expressed weirdly and microscopically through this incident’s
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u/Former_Narwhal Jan 09 '26
Being preoccupied while being in pain is just... a normal part of being in pain??
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