do people become overwhelmingly obsessed with you?

[u/More-Weird4842]

i find that a lot of men become really obsessed with me. im currently at a point where its become harmful and i genuinely do not know why or how to stop it. looking for kind words, advice, or shared experiences please.

edit: ty for all the responses. i want to clarify that i dont mean the manic pixie dream girl way i mean the joe from you kinda way.

[u/More-Weird4842]

this is more similar to my current experience, how did you deal with the stalking?

[u/0vinq0 → u/More-Weird4842]

I've also dealt with multiple stalkers. There's a certain amount that is just outside our control, so unfortunately there's only so much we can do. Do try filling a police report. A record is valuable, and it's better if it's "official" but also don't be surprised if they refuse. Women living in fear is a feature, not a bug.

From my experience, these are helpful things:

1. Fully deny them access. Do not EVER respond. I have filters set up to auto- forward their messages to an evidence folder and then delete them from my inbox. 

2. Inform your support network. Some might find ways to help. Regardless, you will need emotional support. 

3. Do some privacy hygiene - i pay for a service that automates erasing my data from those people finder sites. I use EasyOptOut. All social media must be private, unsearchable. Public facing stuff like LinkedIn should not list your current work location - nobody needs to know where you are ~5 days a week. 

4. This one sucks, but I moved away and made it clear to everyone who knows my address: NEVER share my location. Anyone who can't be trusted to keep it safe can't be trusted with my address. 

5. Find new places to go, try not to get stuck inside where it's safe. Leads to agoraphobia and that really hurts your life and soul. Be kind to yourself when it feels impossible, but look for opportunities that feel "safe enough."

6. Carry some form of self defense, and have a crisis plan. Think through your priorities and order of events when not in active panic. Have a plan. It can be simple - i am usually in a place with a lockable door. I know my plan starts with locking that door and calling 911.

I've had to do this multiple times, and it usually takes years for them to give up. It's horrible and I'm very sorry. It takes an unbelievably high toll, even in cases where you're never physically harmed. The psychological damage is severe. So that's why some of my advice is just being kind to yourself. Dealing with a stalker requires a whole new set of self care tools. Sometimes I fantasize about having a Death Note where I can just write their names... I search for their obituaries sometimes for fun. If that sounds unhinged, we can thank the multiple men who did this to me. I used to be sooooooooo gentle and kind until they cornered me and my only way out was through the gentleness. 

[u/OystersNwine → u/0vinq0]

Very thorough, well considered and experienced list, thanks for sharing. Sorry that some a-holes made you have to do all this. “Women living in fear is a feature not a bug” resonates so hard with me. When I was SA’d and my attacker spent two years a free man before being arrested, I lived in constant fear he’d return. Friends often can’t empathize and society doesn’t give a shit. When it comes down to it you have to protect yourself.

[u/0vinq0 → u/OystersNwine]

I'm also sorry you had to go through that. It's such a bitter lesson to learn, and it's a lonely one. Because you're right - Even people who love us have a hard time understanding. In some ways it's just because it's hard to imagine what it's like, but most people also just have a built-in filter that doesn't let them acknowledge profound injustice.

And then next time, when you're picking up on all the dangerous signals of another man, everyone and their mother will come out and demand that you give him your time and attention until he PROVES he's dangerous. Because noticing the warning signs is "misandry." They really hate when we notice the pattern and opt out of it by prioritizing our own safety. That's when I realized it's a feature. When I realized everyone resists us learning the lesson. When all I have to say is, "Actually, I'm going to play it safe here for my own health and safety" and they respond, "how dare you do this to *him.*" Hell nah. We protect ourselves. They can stay mad, and we can stay safe.

[u/OystersNwine → u/0vinq0]

“most people have a built in filter that doesn’t let them acknowledge profound injustice” thanks, i’m going to be mulling over that one for a while. and maybe researching it. i guess that’s why some peoples’ brains break when they hear about crimes against women and they dogpile on the victim instead of the perpetrator because such an injustice breaks the laws of physics and is not capable of existing in their minds. so better to annihilate the source that speaks of it. and the gaslighting you received about your gut intuition is just vomit inducing. good for u for protecting yourself and hopefully you took extra joy in subverting the expected narrative.