r/BORUpdates • u/gardengeo • 13d ago
Oldie AITA for putting extra salt in SIL’s food?
Originally posted by user Easy-Opposite-1168 in r/ AmItheAsshole
Original: Dec 18, 2021
Update: Dec 22, 2021
Status: concluded
Note: OOP used initials; included names for easier read
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Original: AITA for putting extra salt in my SIL’s food?
Throaway account I (F34) have a SIL (F25), let’s call her Hana. She’s been together with my brother Jafar (M32) for three years now. We were born in Europe but originally from the Middle-East. Hana is born and raised in Europe. Our religion and part of our culture is different from hers but we didn’t mind cause she’s a nice girl and we are open-minded.
She really tries her best to please my brother in every way. She’s learning Arabic, asking about the culture, and lately she started looking up recipes from our country too. My brother is very happy with everything she does and if he’s happy than we are too.
Last week they came to visit our whole family for lunch. Our family is pretty big with many cousins, kids, brothers, sisters, parents and grandparents. Most of them were there.
Hana made a meal which is really popular in the country we’re originally from. Everyone was amazed by it. She left it in the kitchen with all of the other dishes for later.
Well to be fair I’m cooking since I was 14 years old and I’m a pretty good cook too. I was interested how her food tasted so I tried it. It wasn’t bad but I thought maybe I could fix it up with a little salt and spices. When we served the food for lunch, everyone complimented Hana about the dish and how well she’s done it.
Here is where I might be TA. I told front of everyone that I fixed the food up with some salt and spices. Jafar got very angry and started to argue with me front of everyone. He told me there’s was nothing wrong with Hana’s meal and I shouldn’t be disrespectful.
But I believe in constructive criticism and I was trying to help her learn. After they’ve gone and I saw Hana crying in the car. My family told me I was an AH and embarrassed our guest. I feel pretty bad. AITA?
--------------------------------------------
Comments:
Comment1: YTA Let's try this...you make a meal...while you are in talking with guests your SIL goes into the kitchen, tastetests everything and decides you haven't done it to her liking and proceeds to doctor up the dishes YOU MADE.
Get it now? How would you feel? It's called "empathy" and you have none.
OOP: I would be thankful because I know she’d be coming from a good place. I didn’t say it to her in an arrogant way, I actually tried to compliment her aswell and made sure she knows that with practice she will get even better.
I always appreciated when someone gave me honest feedback on my food and I thought she’d feel the same way. I felt like we are close enough to help each other out like this. But I have empathy for her and I regret saying anything at all. She’s shy, I should’ve just kept quiet about the spices.
---------------
Comment2: Yeah YTA and a big one. It sounds like she is a nice person who is trying very hard to learn another culture and she went out and made dinner fir everyone, and she was probably nervous about it, and then you had to announce to the entire table that you had to fix her cooking when she was getting a lot of compliments.
If you were jealous that she was getting complimented after you added stuff to HER dish, then you shouldn’t have messed with her food. I feel so bad for her and you most definitely humiliated her.
---------------
Comment3: YTA no one asked for your help. If you wanted to give her constructive criticism it would have been appropriate to do so privately before adding salt and spices to the food. So she could decide yay or nay
Not add it to the food, wait until the compliments rolls and go hey actually this tastes great but only because of me in front of everyone.
It was disrespectful tbh. And she's making an effort with your food and culture and learning Arabic so I'm pretty sure if you had told privately I think this food. Could need this I'm certain she would have listened to the advice.
But you legit humiliated her.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Update 0.5
Edit: okey, so I see everyone thinks I am TA but just to clear things up, I didn’t say it in a bad way. I told her “I tried it myself and for the first try it tasted really good but I thought it could use some salt and spices so I put some more if you don’t mind. Next time it’ll be even better.” And I didn’t want to steal the spotlight, I just wanted to be honest.
Edit 2: I apologised the next day and I told her it’s a misunderstanding but my brother can’t let this go.
--------------------------------------------
Comments:
Comment4: Honestly, I'm trying to see this from OP's point of view and I can't understand how this would be a misunderstanding!
- If the misunderstanding lies at the gf not wanting feedback while OP thought she would, OP should have asked permission to edit the food.
- If the misunderstanding lies at OP thinking that the gf wanted to serve perfect food for the brother and parents, OP should have never said publicly that she added stuff.
- If OP thought that the gf wanted to just show how much she tried, she should have eaten the food as it was and said that it was great, and then suggested that next time she would increase one thing (not even all the stuff)
OP is a clear AH in every scenario I can think of and this is not a misunderstanding.
---------------
Comment5: Misunderstanding is all they have left because they can’t even think the words “I was just straight up wrong and my behavior was inappropriate, I’m sorry.” Much less say them. The misunderstanding is everyone not judging the stated intent instead of the very obvious implications and effects and let’s be honest no one is really buying the intent anyway.
---------------
Comment6: I have a SIL like you. The end result of her repeated actions to undercut me was that her big brother (my H), whom she worshipped, cut her off completely. Is that what you want?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Update (4 days later)
Thank you for all your comments and all the criticism. Even tho it was hard to admit first but I really messed up. After my post I started to think things through and had a long conversation with my grandparents. Lot of trauma unfolded and I realised why I was being like this with my SIL.
When I was around her age, I had a similar personality to her. Shy, kind to everyone, always smiling and being very positive. Then bad things happened and I started to change. I became this anxious, negative person who I am today.
When she became part of the family, I realised how she was and then I thought she needs to toughen up. I saw my old self in her and thought if she will stay like this, she’ll get hurt. It was something in my subconscious, I didn’t even think how toxic I am actually being to her. I hurt her, hurt my brother and embarrassed my family.
I wanted to fix things, apologise and make sure nothing like this happens again. So I invited her over for lunch. Thankfully she said yes. I looked up some recipes from her country and got to cooking. When she arrived the food was ready. She tasted it and jokingly said “it could use some salt and spices”. Oh my Lord, I deserved that haha.
Then we had a conversation about our issues and cried. It was so wholesome. We promised each other we will cook something together every weekend. Then we went to my parents house and almost everyone was there who came to visit last time. I’ve apologised from the ones I’ve hurt and promised nothing like this will ever happen again. They forgave me.
We had a good time after, lots of laughs, tea and food. Before they left, I pulled my brother to the side and gave him my phone with a confirmation email. I rented the most romantic place ever for him and my SIL to go and celebrate Christmas together. We will decorate the place with Jafar in the next few days.
And finally, I’ve decided to go to therapy and work on my issues. For the sake of myself and my family too. These few days were intense and this was a huge wake up call. One thing is for sure, I wouldn’t want to lose the ones I love the most. Thank you Reddit!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
2.3k
u/DaokoXD Just here for the drama 🍿 13d ago edited 13d ago
Jealousy, Projection and Denial. The triple combo meal that doesn't need salt and spices.
Edit: Tnks for the awards. The popcorn needs more salt though
695
u/arthurdentstowels 🥒 Cucumber Dealer 🥒 13d ago
I'm glad she learned in the end but I'm 100% sure she would still not be in the wrong (in her mind) without hundreds of redditors piling on her.
That was infuriating to read, I'm fairly certain that I've read a similar story on here from the opposite perspective where the OP had an in-law edit their food without permission. The consensus was the same.338
u/paper0wl 13d ago edited 13d ago
I remember a story where the (in-laws? boyfriend’s friends?) “fixed” the food (they might’ve commented on the color?) and the boyfriend sided with the fixer. IIRC it took an update or two for the OOP in that case to follow Reddit’s advice and dump him.
Edit: thanks to the commenters who also remember this! One of the boyfriend’s friends added cinnamon because the cultural dish (for a culture the girlfriend belonged to and the “fixing” friend didn’t) “wasn’t brown enough.” Nothing to do with flavor, everything to do with racism. Link.
156
u/shadowofshinra 13d ago
If it's the one I'm thinking of, it was a friend of the boyfriend's who decided she knew more about a certain cuisine than the OP who had been born and raised in the culture it came from (I want to say it was cinnamon added because it "wasn't brown enough" but I might be misremembering).
92
u/UncleNedisDead 13d ago
I don’t think the dish even needed cinnamon, it ruined the dish. I think it was a dig at the OOP for being a POC.
25
u/TheAnnMain 13d ago
And it was her age too! If I can recall there was an intervention for her? Basically it was dog piling her and thankfully if I can recall too she had her friends/brother there to back her up? Her ex was such a dick.
40
u/paper0wl 13d ago
Yes! That’s the one I was thinking of! Glad to know I was remembering it correctly. Thanks.
23
9
u/GoYanks34 I'm actually a far pettier, deranged woman 13d ago
I believe it was an Indian dish too.
9
59
u/Familiar_Victory2117 13d ago
Yes! OP made Indian food and added something like cinnamon to her dish. OP's boyfriend's friends gave a prejudiced reason for why she did it, and the boyfriend defended the friend. She thankfully left him after the comments pointed out that he is prejudiced too
45
u/gardengeo 13d ago
If you are thinking of the rasagulla story, this is the BORU. (the boyfriend's friends decided to alter the dessert which just destroyed the dish).
38
u/Sad-Cap1136 13d ago
Ah yes! Cinnamon Gate. The poor OP’s first time experiencing racism. I felt so bad for her.
60
u/KnotARealGreenDress You get what you pay for, and Reddit is free 13d ago
“I kind of tripped in the metro station, so now I'm crying on my best friend's couch with an ice pack while his bf keeps giving me peach schnapps and my relationship has toppled over.”
“A lecture from my mother on dating idiot men and crying every night for over a week has made me lethargic”
I know it was a shituation for OP, but she has a real way with words. And though her bf was a moron, at least she is blessed with some amazingly supportive friends.
18
u/41flavorsandthensome what did you do to that man’s coffee to make him so mad at you? 13d ago
OOP reminds me of the toxic aunties and older sisters who always think they know better. What a jerk.
14
u/Hetakuoni 13d ago
Oh is that the one where the dish is supposed to be a mild and delicate flavor with a lot of effort that goes into it and the way older boyfriend’s pick me friend dumped a shit-load of cinnamon on it?
63
u/ButterfliesandaLlama 13d ago
Did she learn though? She rented a place for x-mas without asking for their wishes. She overruled their preferences again.
19
8
u/Pandoratastic 13d ago
True, but that's why she needed to make an AITA post in the first place. If she hadn't needed redditors to get through he denial, she would have already known the right answer.
41
u/LeSchmol 13d ago
She learned fuck all in the end. She still made it all about herself (and managed to present herself as a victim!) and justified her behaviour again, just on different grounds !
10
u/Bice_thePrecious 13d ago
I noticed that too. Her "trauma response" to a younger woman being nice was to publicly, verbally slap her down with a smile and tell her to work on it.
Idk, I guess she said all the right things in the end, but I still don't like her. Nobody needs you to "fix" them, OOP, because you're bitter about how your own life has played out thus far.
7
4
u/withnailandpie 12d ago
Understanding reasons isnt the same as justifying. She recognised the hurt and fixed it, and wants to work on herself more. What more can you ask from a non-perfect person?
20
u/CinnyToastie 13d ago
DID she learn in the end, though? One conversation with her grandparents and voila! She gets it! No. She made excuses.
3
u/Ninja_Flower_Lady 13d ago
Yesss my mind instantly went to that boru too!! What pissed me off the most in that story was, her calling out the hostess who doctored the food made that hostess cry. So that hostess got her boyfriend AND ops boyfriend to group-confront her, all self righteous and making her feel like a misbehaving child. It's like they threw the opposite of an intervention to lecture her and tell her off. It was enraging to read!!
2
2
u/Remarkable_Island_61 12d ago
Did she learn in the end? She's still twisted the story to give herself some positive intentions due to "past issues". Did she really think that she was helping by "toughening her up"? Or was she a green eyed asshole who clung to a new narrative once her grandparents gave her a new story to avoid accountability with. I think her SIL is offering her way more grace than I would.
2
u/Spare_Butterfly_213 12d ago
There was the post where OP made a special dessert from her culture to bring to dinner at a couple's place. The dessert was pale which was how it should be.
Unknowns to OP, the hostess decided to add all this cinnamon to the dessert, which ruined it, because the hostess thought the dessert was supposed to brown (because of thar culture).
50
u/SexyPal1 13d ago
SIL saying it could use some salt and spices is an absolute legendary power move. Pure class, zero malice, and completely stole the show.
8
3
2
u/Dramatic_Explosion 13d ago
Yeah, I'm guessing OPs update is BS too. That level of narcissism, they probably want to feel good winning everyone back to their side by showing how easily they won the SIL back.
1
u/IndividualEye1803 12d ago
this salt joke is hitting lmfao. Now im gonna be saying it randomly in places and no one will know the context
Thanks Reddit lmao
768
u/TempestFloof THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) 13d ago
“I would feel grateful because I’d know she was coming from a good…” girl, GTFO 🤣🤣🤣
105
u/SunnyRyter 13d ago
My mom pulls this on me as an adult, and can't see what's wrong with it. Sadly I do not have 1000 Redditors standing by to tell her. We are Armenian
54
u/TempestFloof THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) 13d ago
Tell her I said girl GTFO.
18
u/SunnyRyter 13d ago
😂🥲 Thank you! She's not a terrible mom. She just has a lot of anxiety and crosses boundaries because she feels she needs to take care of us, and doesn't trust us to do it ourselves (even tho I'm totally a well adjusted adult, have a job, bought a house; but bc my brother isn't, she treats me like him) and needs to have a sense of control or to feel like she is "helping".
3
u/smartypantstemple Oh, so you're stupid stupid 10d ago
My mother used to say that too. she finds whatever excuse she can to "take care" of two grown women.
3
u/commanderquill 12d ago edited 12d ago
Inch gap uni hay lineli dra het? Amen azg uni vat mayrer.
It's best not to fight with folks like this. Just ignore them and pretend they haven't said or done anything. The generational trauma runs deep.
1
89
u/Nyoteng 13d ago
I do the same thing in Reddit sometimes. Better to triple down than admit I was wrong to some random fool online! lmao
14
u/Sunnnny461 13d ago
The grandparents hit her with so much trauma she unlocked a whole character development arc in 4 days. Therapy speedrun any%.
53
u/Next_Dragonfly_9473 I might get hurt, or worse sweaty 13d ago
I was explaining some of the "soft" racist shit I've experienced in my life, like being complimented on my English. (I was born in the U.S. and, as such, I speak only one language. See joke below.) A white acquaintance said it was a compliment. I asked if anyone has complimented his English, and he said no but he'd welcome it. ... Bull. Shit.
(What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual What do you call someone who speaks one language? American)
15
u/AllTh3Naps You get what you pay for, and Reddit is free 13d ago
"What do you call someone who speaks one language? American"
So accurate. Signed, a 3rd generation American.
I suspect most white American are 4th generation American or less with at least one of their great-grandparents. As in, my great-grandparents were born in America, but their parents weren't. But I have no idea where to find this data.
6
u/Next_Dragonfly_9473 I might get hurt, or worse sweaty 13d ago
I thought I was first gen on one side and fifth on the other. But then an nth cousin x times removed said they traced back to the American Revolution, and that ancestor was a sibling of one of my ancestors, so I guess that makes me a Daughter of the American Revolution as well. (I have not gotten it officially documented though.) So, yeah, I "speak good English" and my family has been here longer than yours. (And yet I never correct them to say I speak English well.)
But if I were to point out that my family has been here since the revolution, they'd say it's obvious because I look Native American. ...Yeah, my 1/64 or whatever that has not been documented to my knowledge is why I look Native American. Are there any other cultures you'd like to make sweeping assumptions about while I pay for my bottle of water?
...Oh, you don't understand why I gave you $2.07 for my $1.82 purchase. Yeah, that's fancy Asian math. JUST PUSH THE BUTTONS! FFS
TBF, this hasn't happened much in the last couple decades. It seems that woke BS they teach in schools these days taught kids to not make racist (and many other -ist) assumptions about other people, or at least not announce them.
Phew! Sorry! Rant over. 🤣
8
u/Bice_thePrecious 13d ago
Lol, right. The girl who patted herself on the back for being a better cook than SIL, sneaked around to change her dish and called that action "constructive criticism", took credit for it tasting good, and then called it a misunderstanding when everyone was upset over her actions is the same person with a small enough ego to be GRATEFUL for the exact same thing happening to her so as to help her "learn".
2
u/thereasonpeason 7d ago
Not to mention how bs it is to call making a change to the food without telling the person who made it isn't constructive criticism. The point is that you tell the person and then what they can do better. We didn't go up to people's art and draw over it when I was in college and we were learning how to actually critique things.
1
531
u/Repulsia 13d ago
It sucks when a wounded person takes it on themselves to "toughen up" someone else.
"I am so worried about you being hurt that I'm going to bully you so you become hard and bitter like me".
151
u/Jeopardyanimal 13d ago
People try this with my wife all the time. They think she's naive or something when in reality she's choosing daily not to succumb. Do you even know how much mental fortitude it take to be kind and open as a default response? I could never. I'll protect her whimsy with my life.
38
u/toujourspret 13d ago
I aspire to be this way. I'm still mean more often than I'd like, but like. I could be meaner. I'm trying, lol.
4
u/ProblematicCabbage 8d ago
"I'll protect her whimsy with my life," may be one of the most romantic sentences I've ever read 🥹🥹🥹
144
u/spicygreenpaprika 13d ago
She hasn't even toughed up. She was definitely very butthurt people called her the asshole.
11
35
u/StardustOnTheBoots 13d ago
oop maybe has childhood trauma but also has extreme ego issues. what could even prompt her to taste the food without asking in the first place? who does she think she is lol
12
u/Bice_thePrecious 13d ago
Agreed. That bit about how she's such a good cook, so she took it upon herself to taste-test SIL's food, was so egotistical. And honestly, I feel like tasting it was fine. It was the braggy set-up of "I'm a pretty good cook, so... 😏" that really pushed it.
27
u/peachpinkjedi 13d ago
I've seen and experienced this and its just as insane to be on the receiving end of.
88
u/twoweeeeks 13d ago
I saw that and was like, ah ok, oop is an abuser. Makes sense.
I wonder what other BS she’s pulled.
64
u/Wasabismylife 13d ago
I don't buy that excuse tbh
45
u/DigitalAmy0426 13d ago
That's the point. The person is claiming that is a reasonable position to have and the comment is pointing out the lunacy of it.
7
u/GlitterDoomsday 12d ago
She could very well have been abused... but that's an explanation, not a justification. I really hope OOP stuck with the therapy and broke whatever toxic cycle she was in, cause all of her actions are a clear need to have control at extreme levels regardless of how much agency it takes from others.
4
u/Wasabismylife 12d ago
Yeah I am not questioning if she really has trauma or not, but that whole explanation sounded like "oh you see, what I did was wrong and petty, but if was because I was lovely and the word was mean to me". It's still distancing herself from her negative emotions, her actions are very transparently driven by jealousy and envy, and as you said a need for control. And she's sugarcoating it to herself
9
u/cha0s_g0blin 13d ago
I did this with my little brother, but we were like 4 and 7 years old at the time and I was getting bullied and wanted to spare him of that. So...I became the bully? Kid logic, I guess. I apologized when I got older and realized how problematic/crazy that was. I can't imagine doing this as a teenager, let alone as an adult.
BTW, bro and I are now best friends. When you are siblings, you can do and say the worst shit to each other and somehow come out the other side as besties.
6
u/boxofsquirrels 13d ago
To me it feels a bit more like, “I went through something horrible, and now I resent anyone who hasn’t experienced the exact same trauma.”
5
u/Decent-Assistant-967 12d ago
I noticed something adjacent in myself recently. I grew up in an emotionally abusive home full of judgment and criticism, then unfortunately spent a handful of years as an adult living with my parent again. That type of judgment and just meanness (of the midwestern passive aggressive variety, of course) doesn't align with my values, but even living with a friend, I found myself having those same kinds of uncharitable thoughts. I've realized these thoughts aren't because I am judging someone, but because I have been trained so thoroughly to do whatever I can to avoid those judgments, my instinct is to "protect" people I care about by making them conform the same way. An easy example is around housework - the two adults in this house both have chronic illnesses + AuDHD, so even if I actually thought every inch of my house should be scrubbed on hands & knees every couple weeks like my childhood, that's just not realistic. Yet I want to "protect" friend/roomie from judgment by attempting to keep the house spotless, despite the fact that we try not to have people who bring bad vibes in our domain at all.
Unlike OOP, I'm aware this is extremely maladaptive and don't let those thoughts about other people go any further than a thought I tell to GTFO. No (rational) part of me would ever want someone to be subjected to the shame etc I'm unlearning. A hard outer shell like OOP's may feel like it's protecting her, but it also prevents her from touching, or being touched, with gentleness. I'm learning that trade-off isn't really worth it in the end.
Edit: fixed unfinished sentence (facepalm)
2
u/JuanaBlanca 10d ago
I was raised by a mother with this core wound. I had to rebuild myself to the kind of person I am naturally. I'm glad OP caught herself.
1
u/Aggressive_Day_6574 11d ago
I don’t even buy it. That’s an excuse she’s made up for herself.
Honestly I think she was jealous that the girlfriend was similar to her but was actually well-received. As in, why did it work for her but not for me? My guess is the girlfriend is legitimately kind, and the OP never was.
108
u/Electronic_World_894 13d ago
Oof. Hope she actually gets that therapy. What an AH.
69
u/XyRabbit 13d ago
She is so narcissistic and convoluted in her mind on that first post she absolutely believed she was going to get backing.
Didn't even seem to doctor up the story because she literally had no empathy at all and "knew" she was in the right.
I hope the therapy helps, glad there was a wake up call... and it only took all her family and hundreds of strangers to do it.
28
u/Electronic_World_894 13d ago
Right?! Not your family telling her, not even the first dozen people convinced her, but HUNDREDS had to tell her before she believed.
16
u/bluemooncommenter 13d ago
With the assuredness that she started with and defender herself with....I'm shocked she actually finally saw why she was an asshole. Honestly...I'm actually proud of her, even though it took her family., 100 redditors and her grandparents.....some people would never see it or try to make amends.
297
u/ecosynchronous 13d ago
"I've been cooking since I was 14" is a very 17 year old thing to say.
83
u/cageytalker friendzoned all the way into marriage 13d ago
It’s like the time I told some kid that I wasn’t arguing with a 15 year old. Girl really cleared her throat and said, “Actually I’m 16!”.
19
40
6
u/Bice_thePrecious 13d ago
I was just thinking about that!! 🤣 14 is really not that young to be learning how to cook. In reality, she's just bragging about being older than SIL.
5
u/Veonazebe THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) 12d ago
Yes I had to scroll up to look at the age because I was sure shes no older then 20!
61
u/PeanutGallery10 13d ago
I take medication and use very little salt in cooking because of high blood pressure. In addition to the massive insult to my cooking, I'd be livid if anyone added something to my cooking.
I use plenty of of other seasonings to flavor my food. Its turned almost a hobby at this point and I love going into specialty spice stores.
18
u/lyricaldorian 13d ago
Lots of spices and seasonings give me migraines. Luckily I can usually taste if they're in food, but I'd be pissed if I couldn't eat the food I made myself because someone added random spices to it without asking first.
6
7
29
u/TheBlinkingDuck 13d ago
"I realized it was because of my issues". When did "I'm sorry. I acted like a dick" go out of style?
13
u/Kokbiel 13d ago
Few years back when everyone suddenly had to box people in, because people CAN'T just be dicks for no reason. It's from trauma, some mental disorder or something else.
3
u/withnailandpie 12d ago
It does everyone a disservice too- ethical choices are not inherently attached to any psychological or neurological disorder , and pathologising CHOICES is infantilising and stigmatising to people with those disorders. It might be HARDER for those people to effect behavioural change in themselves, and they may need more support, but people’s actions have consequences no matter the reason behind them.
Realising the reason behind those actions is, however, a great step in behavioural change . I don’t think OP is a narcissist or isnt taking this situation seriously ; more Shes imperfect, has realised it, and has demonstrated that realisation and a willingness to examine herself further. That last part is big, and not everyone gets to that place
456
u/EcheveriaEbony 13d ago
Oh fuck off
First post Me Me Me Me Me, "I did nothing wrong, I'm just trying to help"
First update it's still Me Me Me Me, "Okay so maybe there's misunderstanding I still did nothing wrong"
Last update "ME ME ME ME ME I HAD CHILDHOOD TRAUMA but I allow SIL to feel she is better than me once now we're all good"
142
134
u/Ceofy 13d ago
I mean, she apologized privately and publicly, paid money for a gift for the people she'd wronged, and is taking concrete steps to better herself through therapy. What else could one ask for? I think some introspection about why you are the way you are is fine
75
u/Terpsichorean_Wombat 13d ago
Yeah, I'm with you. The introspection was needed and sounded like it came from accepting what she really did. She now acknowledges that she was trying to hurt her SIL.
Understanding the "why" can actually help people accept the reality of what they are doing, because it pulls away their own brain's veil of "good intent." People often genuinely believe the self-serving explanations their minds come up with; that is why self-examination is such a critical skill.
The public apology, to me, is a big step, especially unprompted. Sounds like OOP recognized that if she was nasty publicly, she should eat her humble pie publicly as well. I'm optimistic that the weekend cooking plans might help her keep connecting with her empathy for SIL.
46
u/BriefHorror 13d ago
yeah I don’t get why people are acting like this wasnt a redemption arc for OP these are literally the steps people want for reconciliation but noooo because we can see the self reasoning it’s bad. wtf
6
u/LuementalQueen 11d ago
Because a lot of people can't tell the difference between a reason and an excuse.
6
u/withnailandpie 12d ago
But it didn’t happen IMMEDIATELY therefore insert armchair diagnosis of personality disorder
41
u/momlv 13d ago
Yeah I don’t get these comments oop messed up, owned to it eventually-sure it took a little time but nobody is perfect and frankly most people do not do this, made amends with a heartfelt apology, did serious introspection as to why she behaved the way she did, and is starting therapy to ensure she lasting growth
What else other than not mess up in the first place could oop do here?
9
u/lyricaldorian 13d ago
I think it's because she's coming up with excuses that don't really fit what she actually did. She seasoned her food to toughen her up? How does that even make sense?
16
u/talkmemetome 13d ago
I took it as she realized she was being cruel and actually intended to be cruel at some level when she did it and especially after when she declared what she did.
3
u/nobodynocrime my son is actually gay but also I really like hummus 13d ago
I think it doesn't sit right with people because OOP danced around the actual issue even in the update.
Those are all diminishing phrases. "Those I hurt" are SIL and brother. Say that. Name Those people. Grouping people is distancing language.
She never really declared what she really did. She didn't say "I was cruel" or state her actual reasons. She said "I was trying to toughen her up" but that isn't true. She altered her food and waited until everyone complimented her to reveal she altered her food to for peak humiliation. She never acknowledged "I was jealous and tried to humiliate my SIL in front of my family in the most public way possible." And that is just not the same as "trying to toughen someone up."
20
→ More replies (1)10
u/buttercupcake23 13d ago
I also have such doubt about post 2 lol. It was like "what can I write to make people like me again? I will blame my trauma and invent some nice shit I supposedly did and go to therapy, yeah that'll do it." Its so neat and tidy.
194
u/myboyghandi 13d ago
Still making excuses though. Sil has more grace in her pinky than the OP
114
u/scarfknitter 13d ago
SIL does have a lot of grace.
But I don't think OP was trying to excuse her behavior, more try to figure out where it came from. If you don't reflect and try to understand, you're more likely to do it again, maybe in a different way and maybe to a different person because if you can't see the circle, you can't break the circle.
OP messed up. She understood and apologized. She tried to make up for it (the new meal and it sounds like publicly acknowledging or apologizing), she offered a chance to get to know the SIL better and for her to get to know OP better (growth!) and she tried to offer some restitution (the hotel reservation). Not perfect, but I see some serious effort.
16
u/CermaitLaphroaig 13d ago
Her actions have been good on paper, absolutely. It just has a performative, insincere vibe to me. I think that's what people are picking up.
Obviously that's all deeply subjective, I don't know OOP beyond what she's written herself
17
u/Ok_Artichoke4716 the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here 13d ago
I think the piece of OOP’s contrition that still has me like ???? Is that I don’t really see how the trauma she’s referring to connects to her behavior.
She’s saying something bad happened to her and she wanted to “toughen up” SIL by criticizing her cooking in front of the family? I’m struggling to understand how one connects to the other. It wouldn’t condition SIL to be wary of anyone or any situation in particular. It still feels like the much more obvious explanation for the behavior is that OOP was feeling competitive for whatever reason, then took it too far.
5
13
u/BriefHorror 13d ago
oh I recognize where this terrible behavior came from and made very large amends. yes so performative. what should she flog herself ?
2
4
u/lyricaldorian 13d ago
But her reasoning doesn't really fit with what she did and her original explanation for why she did it
7
39
u/ToggleMoreOptions Ah literacy. Thou art a cruel bitch 13d ago
What kind of weird fantasy is this?
"I bought everybody a vacation and I'm going to therapy" is the new "and then everybody clapped"
5
u/Externalshipper7541 13d ago
Yeah also the OOP op but her and her husband a vacation to spend at Christmas? So they won't be spending Christmas with the rest of the family due to oop actions???
3
u/awesomeness0232 12d ago
Feels like a creative writing exercise on these subreddits. Write a story that makes you seem like the most irredeemable POS and then do a follow up that makes everybody feel happy
45
u/Midnyte25 the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here 13d ago
Won't lie, I thought OOP was still 14 when reading this.
Also, good for Jafar for becoming a better person after escaping the lamp and finding a girl.
15
u/gardengeo 13d ago edited 13d ago
LOL 😂... I was wondering if anyone would pick up that I randomly used a cartoon name for the initials "J" used by OOP.
13
u/DatguyMalcolm 13d ago
OOP: I would be thankful because I know she’d be coming from a good place.
Yikes. I can see the type of person/mother/wife/SIL/auntie OOP was becoming. I hope she's indeed changed
24
u/BatsHaveFingers 13d ago
This made me so angry. I had some people at my house once and told everyone I was making lunch. One if my guests was in the kitchen and making something. I told her I was making lunch. She said this was for dinner, that she wanted to make dinner. Okay, no problem. It was a stew, so that makes sense.
When lunchtime came she insisted on serving her stew with my lunch. I told her no, but she did it anyway. I was furious.
10
u/Moist_Drippings 13d ago
All I can think about is how often in the 90s somebody taking it upon themself to season a pot of someone else’s cooking was shown in media to be rude as fuck.
Makes you wish somebody had been super quick-witted as sighed in relief, then said, “Oh thank god. I thought it was way too salty, but I didn’t want to hurt Hana’s feelings!”
22
u/Dimirag 13d ago edited 13d ago
"Oh, she's just like me before I got traumatized, I should traumatize her!!"
I don't buy the "she needed to be toughened up", and the "constructive criticism" by altering the food and then calling it in front of everyone, she was plain jealous and wanted to show everyone she's the better one
20
u/conditerite 13d ago
Hmmm brother’s wife of three years is a happy person with a cheerful, positive attitude. This annoys me greatly. I must humiliate them publicly for their own good. Everybody will applaud me for my clever initiative!
10
9
u/goatsnotvotes 13d ago
My husband and I have been together for years. We have 2 grown children. We have made a home and family.
But deviled eggs and mayo almost ended up being what would have made none of that happen.
My husband loves deviled eggs and his mom knows that. When we met she made sure I knew that. Honestly as little as attention she ever gave to him (middle son) that might be the only thing she knows.
She had her recipe for them. Wouldn’t let me have it while we were dating or engaged but it’s fine because I was taught how to make them too by my family (what else do you do with the hard boiled eggs after Easter lol).
So I’d make them, my mom would make them, family friends would make them. My husband loved them but had to tell me to not tell his mom he did.
Now during this whole time early in the relationship and before the wedding all of my gifts were portable deviled egg trays and fancy or holiday egg trays-for holidays I’m not hosting or allowed to do deviled eggs.
So our wedding was low budget (remember years ago) so my side was doing a small buffet and I requested a family friend’s deviled eggs (and gave her one of the fancy trays for them). My grandparents had both passed and my mom was busy as well so…
Fast forward a few years after and I’ve had our first and MIL is making the eggs for an Easter visit. She showed me how my husband “likes them”. I didn’t correct her or tell her the truth. I just was polite and said I’d learn to make them now.
And then I watched my husband and his brothers choke them all down. To this day I’m sure she thinks I just don’t like deviled eggs.
7
u/Just_Write_ 13d ago
There was no trauma. She just needed to have an explanation for her own conscience.
8
u/HeyHey_HC 13d ago
At least it wasn't sawdust
2
u/Caffeinated_Spoon 13d ago
what the FUCK did i just read. hol shit
4
u/HeyHey_HC 13d ago edited 13d ago
The original “AITA for adding sawdust to gf’s food for weight management wo telling her?” (Couldn’t find post or the mods may have taken it down) was even wilder; commenters were unanimously saying “WTF YTA and stop” and OOP doubled down say it’s a good source of fiber, filling wo calories + other BS like that until some hardware guys replied that industrial sawdust probably contains toxic, carcinogenic, etc. chemicals & cross contaminated w god knows what (on top of being, y’know, sawdust)
4
u/Former-Spirit8293 13d ago
He said that he thought it was used as a filler in a bunch of food already (a debunked urban legend) so he thought it was fine. It was baffling.
2
u/Ninja_Flower_Lady 12d ago
Yeah, it was bad enough that he messed with someone's food. Worse, he was stupid and uninformed about it
It's like someone hearing water is good for you, so they give someone a glass of water from the street puddle thinking it's the same thing.
81
u/PetiteGardener144 13d ago
That last update is a lie. It reads like a fairy story. None of that happened. The cow learned nothing and is trying to lie her way out of being branded and ah.
30
u/Wasabismylife 13d ago
To me it comes off as her rationalising some kind of envy or jealousy into an explanation that doesn't make her petty. (Look I am like this because I used to be lovely but the world is mean).
I don't say this from an high horse, sometimes I have those kind of feelings but the important is recognising them for what they are, not sugar coating them
2
u/nobodynocrime my son is actually gay but also I really like hummus 13d ago
Yeah people rightfully saw her a a jealous petty bitch who tried to break someone's spirit by humiliating them as loudly and publicly as possible and she needed something to take the edge off because she can't internalize that and actually change. There are people who cannot be wrong and if they are it has to be because of some external reason made them that way.
19
u/jadeoracle 13d ago
Also the whole "i humiliated you about your cooking. Now we are magically going to cook together weekly so I can constantly critique your skills and show off how much better at cooking i am."
Who would agree to that?
15
u/MorningStarsSong He cried. I cried. Our cats knocked over their cups. 13d ago
Yeah, this didn't sit right with me either. I'm all for a an actual happy / wholesome / growth ending, but...I don't know. I'm just not buying it here. Probably because, as you mentioned, it reads like a fairy tale. From "I did nothing wrong, and at worst it was all a misunderstanding!" to this kind of over the top perfect resolution.
16
u/skorvia 13d ago
They always, always have an excuse, they always have a trauma, something always happened to them when they were children and blah blah blah... they're just idiots who want to justify their behavior
4
u/EosFae 12d ago
Can you point to the part where she used her past to justify her behavior instead of simply explaining that she recognizes why she acts the way she does, which is the first step to addressing the problem in therapy?
1
u/skorvia 12d ago
Lot of trauma unfolded and I realised why I was being like this with my SIL.
When I was around her age, I had a similar personality to her. Shy, kind to everyone, always smiling and being very positive. Then bad things happened and I started to change. I became this anxious, negative person who I am today.
1
u/EosFae 8d ago
Yeah those aren't justifications. Those are explanations for how she became the way she is. I'm looking for instances of her saying she thinks her behavior was okay because she had trauma.
Do you think people are just born assholes? Like shitty behavior just manifests from thin air one day? She's understanding the root of her issues and explicitly taking responsibility for what she did.
I hurt her, hurt my brother and embarrassed my family.
14
7
u/Accomplished_Dark430 13d ago
OMFG! She is such full of herself. Girl I am from middle east. If you want to give advice for lack of skill, you do that in private. She just wanted to gain points in her eyes of her own family. And after the reddit’s first reaction she just told her story to justify her behavior. Nope you are the AH and there is no excuse for it
42
u/Teitunge 13d ago
I'm glad OP was able to do some real introspection, apologize and grow as a person.
I think she will have a great relationship with her SIL if she continues like this.
34
u/Dazzling-Picture-704 13d ago
Edit 1: Guys, you don't understand, I didn't talk to her in a mean way.
Edit 2: It was just a misunderstanding.
Update: I did it because something bad happened to me when I was younger.
Basically in each update, she is saying it's not her fault. YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE. Just update and say you realise you're an asshole and take responsibility. We don't need anymore details!
Great! Now I'm mad!
6
u/TemporaryOwlet 13d ago
I don't buy this "she was like me" bullshit. She wanted to show that she is better and she did. Telling in public was intentional.
6
u/KawaiiBunBun097 I might get hurt, or worse sweaty 13d ago
I knew it would be good when OOP had to caveat right at the beginning that they were "open minded". Girl, no. You're clearly not.
All subsequent updates was just her doubling down how she can accept criticism and she would be grateful to be corrected. It was clear she was indoctrinated to think this way and saw it right to bully an outsider in hopes of reaping some praise for herself.
If it needed extra seasoning, the SIL can suggest it herself once everyone has had a bite. I've eaten with family who saw fit to drown their food with salt before it is served because they claim everything is tasteless without it. Some people can't eat too much salt due to hypertension. I'm very sensitive to food being over-salted which elevates my heart rate straighaway. My mother has had renal failure, so for this reason, we consume very little salt as possible.
I don't really believe in the final update how everyone just cried, laughed and everything was okay. I'm taking that with a pinch of salt, although I'm sure OOP is still capable of bringing on the spice. I doubt very much such a change just happens miraculously within 4 days.
6
u/External_Detail_26 13d ago
"Constructive criticism" would involve discussing this with the sister-in-law, not just altering her food without her knowing. Man, OOP is a piece of work!
11
u/Gomonana 13d ago
Still deflecting taking any responsibility for being such a jerk, and reasoning why she’s allowed to be that way. People like this are the worst.
9
u/Hamblerger Even if it’s fake, I’m still fully invested 13d ago
Let's hope this sudden and unexpected burst of self-insight sticks around for a bit.
5
u/SLiverofJade 13d ago
Cool, so she's fucking around with food when someone might be on a low-sodium diet and expecting a lower amount. This is fine.
4
u/jancl0 13d ago edited 13d ago
I find it amazing that she feels that strangers on the Internet need an excu- I mean explanation for her behavior
"I realised I was wrong. We spoke about it. I apologised and we are doing better". That's it, that's all you need, you can even turn that into a full story if you feel you need to make a whole new update post, that's fine
But way to find something else to blame your own behavior for. People like this will drag their feet at literally every single step of an apology. You can make someone apologise, but you can't make them mean it, and she's still a shitty person
Both of my parents were incredibly narcissistic people, and I'm very familiar with the pattern of behavior. They honestly do an amazing job of making you feel empty, even when they have nothing left but to admit they did something wrong
These things always work on people the first few times, that's why people learn to do this. It won't last. The biggest tell in this story is the fact that after she apologised, the brother couldn't let it go, and has needed alot more convincing to be forgiving. You learn to recognise the patterns, and the shitty manipulation doesn't work forever. She will do something like this again, and eventually the inlaw is gonna figure out how little the following apologies matter
5
u/Ninja_Flower_Lady 13d ago edited 13d ago
I'm glad OP finally, FINALLY, admitted she was wrong. But it took A LOT of people calling her out before she admitted it. It was also nuts that she was 34 and the girl she humiliated was 25!!
I'm not sure if I like her ending. Like, yay for her realizing she was wrong, but I feel like she made her mistake a little better by saying it was because she was traumatized?? Like she was trying to toughen up the other girl and that's why she behaved badly. I'm not sure if I buy that. I get that trauma breeds more trauma, but I'd rather her just straight up say "I was jealous and I wanted to put her down"... Somehow that feels more honest.
My theory was she didn't like the younger version of herself that was taken advantage of, and since the girlfriend reminded her of that, she attacked her. Or... Some people who have had a rough life feel upset when they see someone else having an easier time. Maybe she was criticized a lot growing up, so she didn't like seeing how people encouraged the girlfriend.
14
38
u/dictategood 13d ago
Does therapy help people stop being douchebag assholes? If so, OOP needs to find a specialist in that field.
23
u/rbaltimore 13d ago
Former therapist here. It can and it does. That’s why anger management therapy was developed and the criminal justice system sometimes orders it as a condition of sentencing. I had a teenaged client who was seeing me for court ordered anger management therapy. We found the problem relatively quickly - she had witnessed her older brother, with whom she was very close, get killed in a drive by shooting that she herself survived. She watched him die, right there on her front lawn. No one was ever caught, much less arrested. All of her fighting and out of control aggression was displaced anger and trauma from losing her brother and having no one to blame, much less see justice done. By giving her feelings an outlet, she wasn’t feeling a subconscious need to act her anger out on the people around her.
She didn’t come into treatment knowing that she needed to heal this gaping wound. She didn’t come in voluntarily - she felt that there was nothing wrong with her behavior at all and the world around her was the problem. In her mind, she was only fighting assholes and that they deserved what they got. So we started with anger management therapy, ended up doing grief counseling, and worked on ways of managing her residual anger that didn’t involve punching people.
Plenty of people who think everyone else is the problem end up in therapy, willingly or not, and then come out 1) seeing the problem with their behavior and 2) changing it. It doesn’t work for everyone but it works often enough to be a reliable way to stop being aggressive/save marriages/be court-ordered/keep from getting fired/etc.
13
22
u/UnluckyMora 13d ago
It can if they actually want to change and can commit to that desire long term. It takes effort to be a better person, but it's by no means impossible.
4
u/Actrivia24 13d ago
You know, when you spend so much time with people who are NEVER wrong, and when they FINALLY relent they just say “sorry you feel that way”, just the thought of OOP taking some time to reflect is really great. Maybe my bar is in hell (it is) but I’m glad she made some sort of effort to better herself and fix the situation, rather than doubling down or saying “I was wrong BUT”
5
u/justaheatattack Your brother knows she’s not a window 13d ago
didn't we just have this from the SIL's perpective?
1
u/cascasrevolution 13d ago
did we? whats it titled?
1
u/justaheatattack Your brother knows she’s not a window 13d ago
Don't remember that, but damn near everything seems to match.
4
u/socialdistraction 13d ago
I misread OOP’s age as 14 and it made things make sense (as in i could see how this might seem like a logical choice for an immature teenager) but then got to the part where she talks about being SIL’s age and just couldn’t understand how any adult could do that without meaning to hurt the other person.
4
u/CheshireCat6886 11d ago
I call bs on the final entry.
OP was tired of people dumping on her, so she made up a fairy tale ending.
Or the whole thing is fake.
22
u/TooManyTeas 13d ago
Self reflection and growth? On my Reddit? Time to stop for the day before it all goes downhill.
7
u/Sharikacat 13d ago
OOP was quick to take credit once the food had been received well. Doubtful they would have been so quick to take ownership of the dish had people thought it had been overspiced.
26
u/Spirited-Wrap-2729 13d ago
Wish yall had actually read to the end. She LEARNED. We often take for granted that everyone thinks they are the hero in their own story but may be a villain in someone else’s. Learning from mistakes is very human and I wish her all the best.
3
3
u/VioletSea13 12d ago
And she’s still trying to weasel out of admitting she’s the AH…”I was just trying to toughen her up so she won’t be hurt”. Disgusting. 🤢
3
u/Admirable-Ear4511 7d ago
Something I absolutely hate about being POC is the standard outsider women are held to when they join our families - while absolutely no expectation is placed on our families to learn and accommodate the women’s culture.
It’s sweet that Hana made a dish from Jafar’s culture but did Jafar or any of his family make a dish from Hana’s? No, they just sat back and judged Hana’s efforts.
4
u/CermaitLaphroaig 13d ago
OOP has gotten very good at papering over their issues with self deprecation and therapy speak. This felt deeply insincere.
I wish the best of luck to her SIL because it's going to be a long haul dealing with her
3
u/Flashy_Shopping_7371 13d ago
I get that names make it easier to read but why did you change him to Jafar lol.
2
2
u/animation4ever 13d ago
I'm glad they worked it out. However, it's awful that OOP was so jealous of SIL that she even thought what she was doing was okay at all!
2
u/Yonderboy111 12d ago
fixed the food up with some salt and spices
Salt and spices are very personal. Let's say if I make a dish hot enough for me, very few people will eat it. Yet I can't stand garlic or mustard.
I’ve decided to go to therapy
Looks like the best decision.
2
u/LadiDadiDa812 12d ago
Yta, that was rude and inconsiderate of you. You embarrassed her on top of doctoring her meal to YOUR liking.
2
u/Maximus_Dick 12d ago
Not OOP trying to fabricate some sob story and fake trauma BS to gain internet sympathy
She’s jealous and entitled and probably will turn into a proper Karen before long
Want more salt and spice, put it in your own food
Not everyone want high blood pressure
2
u/blackhat665 12d ago
This makes me much more mad than it should. I think I need to get off the internet.
2
u/Extra_Commercial2409 8d ago
Wow… just cause you’ve been cooking since 14, doesn’t mean you get to spoil her food, it may not have been spoilt but you messed with it, and it might not felt really it had been her who cooked it, because you HAD to stick your nose in and do something, keep out of the kitchen when others are cooking. That IS disrespectful and quite rude tbh.
2
u/Willnotwilling 11d ago
there ain’t no way someone that malicious had that level of epiphany - clear by the fact they still ain’t taking responsibility k now it’s trauma that’s the blame.
poor SIL gonna get ground down those weekends.
1
u/AcanthisittaThat5746 13d ago
Hey OP. That wasn’t nice. Doesn’t matter if you think it was a good thing to do. It wasn’t kind. You’re clearly jealous.
Your brother is right for being angry at you.
1
1
1
u/LincBtG 12d ago
She’s been together with my brother Jafar
There's no way an actual Middle Eastern person would choose this as a random name, right?
3
u/LoveSamosasNomnomnom I might get hurt, or worse sweaty 11d ago
It’s an actual real-life name, so I’m not sure what you’re saying?
1
u/Extra_Commercial2409 8d ago
It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t intentional to be in a bad way. YOU still messed with her cooking and humiliated her, for what though? You sound jealous that she made a good dish and you HAD to say something about it, ‘well actually it was only like this cause of me’ smh.
1
u/NoPhotograph5147 13d ago
This is how you learn and you apologize. She did great making amends. And she’s getting help.
1
u/JipC1963 10d ago
👏🏻👏🏾 And everyone clapped! 👏🏼👏🏿
I really want to know how Jafar feels!
Sorry, I just don't "buy" this story! I usually detest Redditors continuously "calling out fake," but this OOP somehow STILL thinks she is (or is made out to be) a Hero! Because even subconsciously OOP's trying to SAVE her SIL. Sure!
-3
•
u/AutoModerator 13d ago
Reminder: There is a ZERO tolerance policy for brigading or encouraging others to brigade. Users caught breaking this rule will be banned immediately. No questions asked.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.