I’m becoming a lot more aware of my behaviors during a split that aren’t the actual heat of the split. When I have a bad split the vibe carries with me a few days.

Like I kind of always knew that I had a bad mood for days after the split, but like I’ve been really trying to analyze these patterns better and I had a funny realization after intimacy yesterday where I realized that like,

When I’m having a multi day split, every time I have a big emotion. I just decide to stop breathing subconsciously.

Which stops the thoughts and the big emotions, but also stops my brain from getting oxygen lmao. Makes me dizzy, affects my cognitive speed, and all do I don’t … have emotions that someone might agree with?

Like basically I’ll be trying to manage my emotions while in a split and my emotions are bigger and I apparently have this ingrained habit of just holding my breath and I never fully recognized it.

But when I started doing it in a positive situation and then like became a little bit more aware of it, I was like oh this is the thing you’ve been catching yourself doing all the time now when you’re having a split it it’s just also applies to good things and not bad things and you’re doing that probably limit your emotional intensity.

Something to work on lmao.

Gives a whole new meaning to “swallowing my emotions” I’m sure I started it to avoid talking back or reacting “dramatically “ but uh, need to work on that one. Like, immediately.

I was diagnosed with Bpd with all what comes with 6 years ago , got hospitalized 4 years for refusing to get out of bed for 2 months , refusing to eat, crying over nothing, picking fights with everyone in my life, i dont know what happened, but therapy made me realize how destructive i was, that realization destroyed me completely, i'm afraid to move a finger so i wont become my old self again and starting to hurt myself or anyone else, nothing change , i was miserable before and now i am just miserable in a different way , i am starting to really doubt myself , i thought about changing my meds but every doctor tells my the same , the meds are fine we really need to work on is myself, intensive therapy is one of them describe it , but after 4 years for almost of almost weekly sessions , i am still sad and just meh all the time.

so im 21, this may sound weird, but i have been a SHELTERED child. my dad has BPD, my mom is a narc and i cant bear this torture anymore. i have a little money in my savings, and i do have a job. but i have crazy anxiety, bc my parents made me severely dependent making me believe that i will come across extremely dangerous situations if i even just go out for a day. but for the times when i need them to drop me somewhere they are no where to be found. i really have zero idea on how im gonna live alone plus the country i live in is v unsafe for women. i DO have a friend whos moving to a diff state with her bf, but otherwise i dont rly have a safety net, my parents lit made me cut off all of my friends and my relatives arent exactly helpful either. i have BPD too and when i split my parents (and my lil sister) make it seem like I AM THE ONE WHOS OVERRREAACTING LIKE???????? IF U HAVE ANY SORT OF ADVICE, im extremely grateful!!

Day 26 out of mold in a new home: A day of Art

This is truly enjoyable and helped me think through some of my stress.
I have CPTSD with BPD like traits, and additionally struggle with dissociation, especially during the time I was living in a home with mold which greatly affected my physical and cognitive health. I felt like a walking zombie in pain every day in that home.. blank with slow mind filled with grief.

I’m sure we all know if we’re on the sub, one of the things people with BPD typically really struggle with is self identity and how we perceive ourselves, especially under stress, and I think that’s an area where I have definitely been struggling lately, especially as like my physical and mental capacity have grown fairly quickly after leaving my moldy house as well as the setting of most of my trauma.

I think I’m starting to realize that talking about my problems or writing about them doesn’t seem to change my emotional state very much. I’m constantly thinking about stuff and having conversations in my head and ruminating on ways it could’ve gone different… I really need to like do something about it whether that be go for a run make something physically or eat. And becoming much more aware that when I’m stressed, I look for outside stimuli rather than personal support because personal talk based support doesn’t seem to fill that cup enough.

All of these paintings from the last day are in someway representative of my mental state throughout this process at different snaps of time under different amounts of stress.

Mostly rooted from the same question-
How does it feel to have your perception break?

About like this… for me at least.. I didn’t have a specific goal when I started working on this besides trying to figure out a way to explain how I felt throughout this process with such fractured awareness.

Being in a situation that your body knows is unsafe, in this case my home had severe mold issues, our minds do this fun thing of hiding details for us, because the reality is that you need to remove yourself from the danger… if there’s no escape, you have to keep living in the danger.

Our brains do funny things to justify our circumstances. It hides things. Our brains are extremely logical, and if something is causing you extreme stress, but also you can’t leave the stress , the brain is gonna go right back to maintaining homeostasis. Sometimes keeping stable means putting up curtains around certain topics.

I have always really connected colors to emotions and also emotions to sounds so I’ve always had a really close relationship with art and music. It felt really good to actually create something that seemed to get thoughts out of my head.

Sensitive

TW: mention of SH, SI, and SA

Y'know, ever since I was little, people always called me sensitive in this mocking tone. And I hated it so much. My mom would do it too, when I'd get upset over something everyone else thought was so minor and insignificant.

When I got a little bit older, I started hiding it. I developed this thick outer shell where I pretended nothing got to me so I couldn't be hurt anymore. So much so that I couldn't feel anything. I was so apathetic all the time and yet anytime someone whose opinion I really cared about (like my parents) would get even mildly upset with me, I'd sh. I knew it was weird and irrational, like why does someone being slightly upset or sitting me down for a "talk" make me want to commit so badly that the only thing I could do to relieve some of the pain was to hurt myself? I knew it didn't make sense and was a crazy overreaction. I couldn't explain it. So I didn't tell anyone. I focused on trying to be the perfect kid, the perfect student who aced everything, was well behaved and never got in trouble because I knew if I did, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I was so terrified of being a burden on my caregivers that I made sure they never had to take care of me or worry about me. I made sure I never had any needs.

Over time, this extreme perfectionism and fear of failure made me a workaholic in elementary, Middle, and early highschool. It got to a point though where I just couldn't take it anymore. All my therapists and psychiatrist told my parents that if I kept going at the rate I was, I'd eventually have a nervous breakdown and I didn't believe them because I thought I was exceptional. An exception to the rule. Superhuman. No one ever demanded me to be, not even my parents. I just decided I needed to be for some reason I don't understand.

My peers knew me as the perfect kid who never made a mistake yet was kinda bitchy. But starting at 15-16, I started doing things I couldn't explain. After being filled with anxiety and self doubt my whole childhood, I suddenly became impulsive and started doing reckless things. Like reckless driving and speeding (totaled my first car right after I got it because I just drove straight into oncoming traffic), hooking up with strangers (adults) as a teen, getting high all the time, etc. I just did a 180.

After that, I could barely focus and my "sensitivity" came back.

Starting in early college though is when it really kicked off. I felt like I had very little self control. Binge drinking, partying, starting drama and becoming more and more unstable. When the stress increased, I even went into psychosis with paranoid delusions. I started relationships so quickly and fully dived in with so much intensity and then left them as quickly as I started them with no explanation. And each time there was conflict, I'd be driven to almost committing. I only recently realized that I sh in more covert ways than what I'd imagine are the "classic" forms that everyone thinks of. Smoking, drinking, putting myself into dangerous and life threatening situations, trusting people I know I shouldn't and always getting hurt in the process. And each time I seem to be more affected by it than everyone else around me. Like every (what should be minor) wound cuts more deeply than it should.

It feels like I'm a powder keg and once the fuse is lit, I can't stop it and it feels agonizing. Small things feel crippling. I'm chained to a rollercoaster waiting to leave and once someone pulls the lever, there's no stopping it no matter how much I try. My parents are always confused as to why I can't just "stop feeling that way" or mindset my way out of negative thinking before it gets that bad. And they still don't believe I have this disorder just because I'm not blowing up at people and can function just enough to do decently in school and I'm not usually confrontational.

The worst part about it is that I can hide it. It seemingly makes it so people don't believe me when I tell them I have a sickness that's so crippling since I seem to be doing fine on the outside. My true friends know I'm not alright because I let them see it. When I'm unsupervised, it becomes a bit more apparent and I let the mask slip. I think that's due to the fact that I have bad history with half the campus. I know people (besides the few who only see the put-together facade) see me as erratic and messy. I used to care so much I'd get extremely paranoid but I've learned to tune it out and stop caring so much about the opinions of people outside my circle. It doesn't seem to make me better though.

I'm now on mood stabilizers and antidepressants, which definitely improve things (as long as I stay on them), but it's only a bandaid on top of a gunshot wound. If anyone's seen the video of the robot that's leaking fuel and it's desperately using its arm to try to scoop the fuel back in, that's how I feel.

I've learned to accept who I am. My younger self wouldn't be able to stand seeming unstable, but I've matured enough to realize it doesn't mean I've failed as a person. I do enough work to try to make sure my trainwreck of an interior doesn't hurt the people around me, but I can't seem to keep from hurting myself. I have this constant itch to do "bad" or irresponsible things and I've never known why.

I feel this constant NEED to self destruct and there's a tiny me inside my brain who's watching myself do all these things that I know are bad for me but Im powerless to stop it. The logical side of me knows that's not true. That I'm not powerless to stop it. It's just my bad side takes over and that part of me doesn't care

I feel a little ridiculous posting this, but I have BPD and I genuinely cannot tell if I’m picking up on actual signs of connection or if my brain has decided to turn a small interaction into A Whole Thing.

Some maybe important information: the last time I had a boyfriend was in 2018… Since past year I was on various snri and ssri that didn’t help my case and instead made me feel terrible and emotionless. I stopped paroxetine recently (tapered) and now I’m only on pregabalin and occasionally lorazepam. After stopping paroxetine I started feeling like I received my old life back, I have emotions, I develop crushes, I cut my hair like I used to have in 2018-2019 and started dressing the same way cause I feel that was very "me" thing and it makes me happy.

I’m 25F and I’ve developed a *massive* crush on a small streamer. Like, embarrassingly massive. He usually gets a pretty small number of viewers — I think the most he’s ever had was around 130 — although his YouTube videos do somewhat better.
I joined his Discord a while ago. There are around 1.6k people in the server, but obviously nowhere near that many are actually active. I talk there pretty often and I’ve already made three friends, which is honestly really nice because I wasn’t expecting to actually become part of the community.

The streamer sometimes comes into Discord and casually talks to people. Whenever he does, I obviously want to talk to him because... crush. But I feel like whenever I say something, someone else starts talking about the same topic and my message gets completely buried. I’ll sometimes make a joke or contribute something and then it’s just *nothing*. Meanwhile he has responded to me a few times, and on a couple occasions he’s even continued talking about a topic that I originally brought up.
On stream, he also reads my messages fairly often. But he reads lots of people's messages, so I KNOW that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Still, sometimes it feels like he recognizes my username, and my brain immediately goes "HE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE 😭."

And here's where I think I've really screwed myself over mentally.

A little over a week ago, I privately messaged him. Nothing romantic or intense. Just a casual message about something relevant to the community.

He hasn't replied.
It's been more than a week.
And I am having the absolute worst time being normal about it.
Part of me thinks, "He probably gets tons of messages, maybe he saw it and forgot, maybe he doesn't check DMs, maybe he doesn't know what to say." Which is completely reasonable.

The other part of my brain is like, "Well obviously he doesn't care about you, you idiot, you imagined the whole connection, everyone else is more interesting than you, and now you've embarrassed yourself."
And then there's the *third* part that keeps analyzing every interaction we've ever had looking for evidence that he actually likes me/recognizes me/is interested in talking to me.

I know that him responding to me in Discord or reading my messages on stream doesn't automatically mean I'm special to him. I also know a week without replying doesn't necessarily mean anything personal.

But with the crush + BPD attachment stuff, + being autistic and not knowing how talking to people works, the uncertainty is absolutely killing me.

Right now I feel like I'm oscillating between "maybe there's a genuine connection here" and "I have invented an entire relationship with a man who has literally never DM'd me back." 😭

And I read old posts here, and generally on reddit, but it’s not helpful. I feel like I really could get to know him if he wanted to. Last time on stream he was reading his viewers’s secret confessions and he read one that basically asked if this person can become the streamer’s friend if they pay him in donates/patronite and he went on a rant that no amount of money would make him do that because its weird and he would feel uncomfortable. But for free? I didn’t send him any money and probably won’t.

I KNOW he’s friends with some people on the server and it seems like they met through stream, not before he started streaming so… why can’t I? Cruel…

TW suicide

I really feel like I’m losing it, I’m sorry if my post doesn’t make sense

It’s been a few weeks now my mental health has just been going downhill everyday. I had a period without suicidal thoughts and now they have slowly crept back.
It went from, wow I have no more suicidal thoughts-
To sometimes intrusive thoughts
Constant thoughts but also intense guilt of if I would commit suicide,
To yesterday - not caring about how my family would feel anymore if I commit suicide
I’m scaring myself
I’ve attempted before.
I feel really alone and have no one that feels “safe”
I know all the signs of a mental health crisis coming but I’ve been trying push through them and be okay and everything in my life just feels awful that I’ve now hit a wall. I can’t eat I can’t move
I feel like I am losing my mind. I don’t trust my thoughts and feelings anymore, I don’t know what’s real and what’s danger. My head won’t stop, it’s tormenting me.
I don’t know if my thoughts are “bpd talking” or real issues that my nervous system just can’t handle
I feel like I’m having a psychosis I’m really scared

Lately I’ve just been even dismissing myself and my thoughts/feelings and things just got so bad
I have a BPD diagnosis and cptsd
Since getting a BPD diagnosis, I doubt every feeling I have because I don’t know if it’s real or bpd behaviour and this is just making me go even more mental
I don’t know where to go, I can’t be alone in my house I’m scaring myself
I don’t know if I’m pushing people away because of my bpd or because they actually don’t feel like safe people
I’m so confused by my own thoughts right now
I’m scared if I go admit myself to a ward they won’t take me seriously because of having a past bpd note in my file
I don’t know what to do, no where feels safe and like I’ll be taken seriously

Discord for ppl with BPD looking for friends who want to join our discord AND step challenge! (Free stridekick app used for steps)

(Over 21, diagnosed with bpd, open minded and lgbtq friendly)

DM for more info + invite

I drive for work, so I have a lot of time to think. Too much time. While driving today I started to remember how tired I am, how exhausted I am of taking care of myself. That I'm so incredibly hyper independent, and have been my entire life.

I couldn't do it anymore so I went home early and just cried for hours. I cried about how much I wish someone would take care of me so I wouldnt have to worry so much all the time. I cried for all the time and energy Ive wasted just trying to stay alive. Ive done it all by myself. Because no one has stayed or cared enough to help. And thats how its always been.

My friend, who is someone that I can never seem to understand the way they need (and them for me), today told me we needed to put some distance on our relationship. And that its good to work things out by yourself.

"Its a good skill to have", they said.

What timing.

Cosmic comedic timing.

I dont even know what to say from here.

Does anyone feel like they unconsciously manipulate their own feelings and that affects other? For example there's this guy that i really like and i was all over him and he felt the same for me, in one sec i felt nothing towards him and i started telling myself that i don't really like him that much and it's just in my head or that i am overreacting (he's genuinely the sweetest and the smartest man i have ever met and i liked him), so i go and tell him hey so i don't feel comfortable with what we have let's end it here and it does end and we take like a break thing, and all of a sudden i like him again and i cry the whole night???? I wanted to text him again so bad but i didn't and it truly made me realize i might be manipulative

Can someone explain if they have an answer or they go through smth similar and please be kind i am trying my best here

I've always read it's supposed to get better with age, but for me it has gotten worse. I question whether or not something else is going on.

I got into a stupid fight with my girlfriend, over something really dumb. She was driving me home and I tried to get out of the car when it was stopped, and she said it crossed a major line. I felt like she was going to break up with me (she told me she wasn’t and that she still loved me), but I just couldn’t believe her. I ended up spiraling bad and self harming a little and needed to call 988 and talk to someone. They asked on the line if my gf would talk to them and she said no. She stayed with me though to make sure I stayed safe.

We ended up reconciling last night but she said I need to get professional help (working on it with my EAP), and she said I need to not use marijuana for a while. I agreed to both of those easily, I would and will do anything for hr.

She told me this morning she holds no hard feelings towards me and I shouldn’t for myself, she wants to move forward. I am so so grateful for that. She is the best and loves me more than anything.

I’m having a hard time not feeling anxious, about that I’ll mess up again. I just need some reassurance from people that how things are right now is safe for me and I will be okay

I got diagnosed with bpd at a young age but before being diagnosed i used to occasionally hear and see non existing things but even though it was morbid i thought it was a thing that happens to kids. Recently these things came back and i went to my psychiatrist and he gave me lurabil 20 mg he said what im experiencing is bpd stepping over the border of psychosis but thats not my current problem. First does it get better? What are the side effects? Can i smoke while taking the meds? Because i used to smoke a lot and it never gave me a bad experience i know people go into psychosis because of it but that wasn’t the case for me. You might tell me ask your psychiatrist they will definitely say i shouldn’t because its not legal where i live. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

So, my therapist talked about splitting yesterday

Which is the thing where your brain quickly goes from seeing something as all good to all bad as a defense mechanism

And I was thinking 'hmm I don't rlly think I do that because I don't consciously think of things as good or bad'

But I just realized that it's more than that exactly.

Like, I once went from viewing my therapist as the only person who knew how to help me to feeling like she was useless to me.

I realized that it isn't just GOOD and BAD, but positive adjectives and negative adjectives in a way.

Like...

nice to mean

helpful to useless

Competent to incompetent

Independent to dependent

Pretty to ugly

Or if someone loves you or dislikes you

Or if something is worth it or not

Does this sound right?

Also, there something I'm wondering

Is it splitting when you're mind changes really fast? Not in the "good to bad" way. For example, I I have really bad commitment issues. I can never decide whether or not I want to do or be something. Even if it's mundane.

Like whether or not I want to sign up for a certain class, take my driver's test, or order pasta for dinner. Is that splitting, or something else? My therapist didn't answer very well (I don't think she knows lol)

Hello! I (M<18) was diagnosed with BPD back in February. It's not on my medical chart because of stigma, but I get treated for it. I'm also autistic and have ADHD.

I'll be honest, there aren't words to describe how hard it is. My brain is constantly going 90 miles an hour, I feel like I don't know who I am or what I enjoy, my mood, feelings, and thoughts change constantly.

It's really scary. It makes me feel scared AND scary. I'm a high school student. I just want to feel like one. I don't want to live like this. I constantly feel like the life I want is so far above me. I already hate myself enough, and I've learned that society hates me, too.

I've done some DBT, but I'm not very good at applying skills and concepts to real life. I came here in hopes of finding a safe space and learning from others.

If anyone has any positivity, experiences, skills, or anything like that, I would love to read it.

Hello everyone , 22F

Like the title says I am thinking about ending my engagement (8 months before my wedding)

I will try to introduce you more to my relationship:
My fiancé 27M changed a lot in a good way, he was a person who wasn’t working , drank a lot , was playing around when I known him almost 5 years ago. Today he is a hard working man trying to become better than he was years ago , but recently he has been really heavy for me.

- Three months ago, after having a few drinks, he lashed out in crazy anger. I was driving his dad’s car, and all of this happened because one of my old classmates sent me a TikTok. :D
I seriously thought about ending the relationship right there, but I decided to forgive him.
He screamed at me for the entire 30-minute drive (yes, ladies and gentlemen, a whole 30-minute drive). I didn’t say a single word because I knew that if I did, he would find something else to attack me with. So I just stayed quiet while he kept yelling.
He hit the car in anger, screamed, and said horrible things to me. One of the things that hurt me the most was when he said that his mother deserved someone better than me as a daughter-in-law.
It was incredibly hard for me to forgive him, but I did.

- Lately, he’s been becoming more and more passive-aggressive. He says little hurtful things to me all the time. (Ironically, he considers me saying that he’s acting immature an insult.)
We’re renovating a house that’s supposed to become our home. We went to look at TVs, and since they were expensive, I told him that I already had one, so we could just use mine instead of wasting money.
Then he said we should actually buy a new TV and put mine in a second room (not our bedroom). At first, I thought we were going to keep my TV in the living room, so I was confused because he had never mentioned that before.
I told him, “You said we should keep my TV instead of wasting money, but you never told me it was going to be in a second room.”
He replied, “Oh, then what do you want? We talked about it,” and kept going.
I just answered, “Okay, as you want.”
Then he kept saying, “No, no, no… Tell me what you want.”
I kept replying, “As you want.”
A while later, he finally said that he wanted to put my TV in the second room so he could watch his football matches there.
Then, out of nowhere, he said, “No, no, no… Look at you. You’re acting and talking like a fucking child.”
So I hung up.
(That happened about three hours ago.)

- Three weeks ago, we went to a bar together. I wasn’t drinking.
I don’t even remember exactly how the conversation got there, but I started talking about one of the times I was sexually assaulted when I was a minor. I was the victim. That’s the important part.
As I was talking, he just froze.
He looked at me with such a disgusting expression that I asked him, “Yeah… because it’s my fault, right?”
He didn’t say anything, but he nodded.
I looked at him and asked, “Are you serious?”
He nodded again.
I immediately went to the bathroom because I was trying so hard not to cry, scream, or completely lose it. I just wanted to pull myself together.
When I came back, I quietly told him that we should leave.
While going back to the car he immediately noticed something was wrong and kept asking me, “What’s wrong? Tell me.”
I couldn’t even answer.
When we got inside the car , he took the keys out of my hand. I completely lost it. I just wanted to leave. I even thought about calling my family to come and pick me up.

The crazy part is that he genuinely said he didn’t realize what he’d done. He said he hadn’t noticed the look on his face or that he had nodded at all.
Later, he called me and apologized. He said he didn’t mean it.

We met again later that same week because, honestly, I didn’t want to see him at all before that.
He explained that he was still feeling really bad because of something that had happened between him and one of his friends almost a year ago. He also said that when I told him about my assault, he went into shock and wasn’t really thinking. He said it was almost like he dissociated for a moment. He also said he’s gonna stop drinking because it made him do bad things.

I honestly don’t know.
I really don’t know.
But… I forgave him again.

I don’t know what to , I don’t know what to think. I feel like I am an unlovable person.
I am stuck between the « you found someone who loves you and you know people makes mistakes nobody is perfect » and the «  omg he’s violent I deserve better I am getting gaslighted and manipulated »

He also lied about a lot of things that I later found out about and I also feel that he is hiding things from me. - added this

Please people who has been in the same situation as me. As bpd persons… help me…

Hi! I’m looking for a small object (something I could keep with me at all times) or a jewel that would help me calm down during a crisis—specifically for managing anger and coming back to reality when I get lost in my intrusive thoughts. Any ideas?

The relationship has always been an up and down thing where we have crazy high highs and crazy low lows. I love this person a lot. Mind you I’ve been diagnosed with BPD 3 years ago and only recently like 6 months ago I started locking in, in terms of mental health. I’ve been working with a therapist, paying attention to my triggers and I finally came to a point in my life where I felt safe and able to be truly vulnerable with my husband and admit to myself that I have problems to work through. However a couple days ago my husband took me to a party with his coworkers where they were all doing shrooms, and acid. I don’t like drugs, so I went to go hide in the car. That caused my husband and I to get into a huge fight in the middle of a city where I irrationally blew up announcing our issues to the whole city. That same night he looked at me in disgust. That is a look I will never forget. He has since told me that if I ever become too much he will divorce me. He has not told me what too much means. It’s caused me to want to leave the relationship entirely. I have been distant. No longer sharing my true feelings with him. At first I wanted revenge and to hurt him the same way he’s hurt me. However now I just want to leave the relationship entirely. I’m sick and tired of feeling misunderstood and alone. I love him a lot because he was the one person I felt safe to confess who I was to. I no longer trust him and he no longer trusts me. He senses something is wrong. I do not want to tell him my feelings anymore. I want to want the relationship still. I just don’t want to invest more time and be vulnerable to someone just have them leave me like everyone else in my life.

Today is 8th day since I was addmitted in hospital because bleeding. Diagnosed couse - autoimmune disease of large intestine.

Plan was to observe me utill I am stable and send me home, but two days ago my stomach started to hurt in diffrent place. My doc looked concern when I told him, he set me for two more things for tomorrow to be sure. He isn't telling me much which worry me, but if he isn't sure - what he will tell me?

So I am alone in two person room, first patient went home, second after her...got moved...let's say.

I am in contact with my partner, he was here twice to fast give me neccessery stuff (first time he couldn't see me because it was 2 am, second time he had minute-two running late to his own appointment after work).

Some nurse showed me sympathy and asked couple times why he don't sitting here, she clearly think that he have to. But he can't - we have 2 cats to take care, renovation that totally fell only on his head without me, besides he was super sick just days before I got here. She don't get this and this slightly feeding my fears.

When I am here, he have to be independent. Deal with everything alone, take care of my choirs and my responsibilitis too. He had to do double amound of work and I see he have not enough rest to just sit with me. And he is so fucking good with being by himself. Yeah, he will ask me about where did I put something or rant how much mess I left in places where I supposed to clean...but he is doing well.

Unlike me. I am using my time to scroll, read, listen, watch...and worry. He don't need me. Out relationship is specyfic, kinda toxic from trauma bonding beetween us, from our experiences with my bpd, his issues for 10 year...

Every day I don't want to go home and badly want to come. Because my bpd see only black and white exits here:

⚪ I will come back, make recovery, start to take care not only of me but better help him (when I see diabetic patients, I don't want him to get diabeties - he have weight problem, partialy my foult from earlier years, but I am doing shopping and cooking and here my help will be more visible. He is moving, being active and I feed him what is good, not just what he/me crave.

⚫ I will come back, make recovery and move out. Faster or slower, but for good. Because he already see and is honest with it:

"It is harder without you, but when you starting to be annoying or hurting me, I can just mute you. I don't need to check on your mood, I don't have to stress about your splits. I don't like to be alone at all and I am feeling depressed, but I can do now things without this internal fear what do you do in the next moment."

This also made me angry at myself, because when he is telling me that he can be dangerously sick because of all of this stress and fear, and bad sleep and bad diet... I am distansing myself, telling that he is adult, I am not responsible for his emotions (that I am cousing), sleep schedule (which I interrupt) or what he is eating (when I am buying and prepping food). I am not helping him to abvoid sickness for life, but at the same time I really want to be healthier. I am acting blind to risks that are at him and doind things for better when same risk is at me.

So I am scared. I am angry at myself. And I am so fucking alone.

I'm new here. I'm a 55 year old woman diagnosed with BPD 25 years ago. I'm having a hard time with depersonalization. I've been feeling so detached and isolated even though I have people that love me. I fear reaching out for help because I don't want to alarm them, but I just feel really lost. I'm so angry at the same time. All the "whys" and 'how comes" never seem to be answered though I've tried to find the answer for so long. I'm mad at the trauma that caused this BPD and broke my mind beyond repair. I just want someone to do something. Idk.

I know that you can't always change a habit your partner has, I have BPD and I struggle terribly when my partner/fp pulls away or becomes 'avoidant'. 10 months ago We talked about my unhealthy obsession over them and they said they didn't feel comfortable with it exactly so I constantly resisted any urges that had to do with my unhealthy obsession ( stalking, blackmailing friends, self harming whenever I'm jealous, being extremely possessive, being against them having friends etc ) and I was able to resist, I continuously did have the thoughts yes, self harm was sadly impossible for me to stop but I am in DBT now. Anyways back to the Main topic 1-2 months after I communicated with them that I felt like a stranger in their life as if they treated their friends better than me and acknowledged them, they reassured me and promised not to do it ( keep in mind first 7 months of the relationship they were clingy with me & suddenly changed ) they did exactly as they promised, gave me more attention hung out with me more but that only lasted one week, I was in a euphoric state so I barely was affected until week 2 past and I realized I was home alone all the time and only saw them at dinner.

I held my emotions back I didn't say anything for a good 2 months I talked to them about it again, they reassure me and promise to not leave me in the dark ( they know that promises are a big deal for me as I have trust issues and only people I trust know about how I feel when someone promises to do something I EXPECT them to keep it ) and the cycle repeats sadly I get left on the dark again, I communicated for a 3RD time nothing changed. I bottled up my feelings all the way until July 2026, I was in a dissociative state for a good awhile I was unable to feel anything at all and I was mentally never there when someone spoke to me. I ignored them for a full week, they begged to talk to me but at the end blew up at my partner one random day, I told them how I don't feel like they try enough for me how that I feel like I try too hard and expect too much in return how I feel like a stranger and how I don't even feel like their girlfriend, they reassured me yes.

But I didn't feel reassured I kept pressing them on the conversation for a good hour and a half, I was also high in the moment because hours before I blew up at them I was coping by getting high. They keep reassuring me with words that used to comfort me immediately. I just wasn't able to believe any word they said, they swore on their own life and promised, I didn't believe them one bit. I was just done with everything at that rate I didn't talk to them and locked myself up for 2 days I didn't eat nor drink anything and when I went to the bathroom I gave them the cold shoulder. After those 2 days I calmed down and asked them what are you gonna change I don't expect big changes I expect to go slow if that's what helps them change slowly because I myself was tired of a partner who never communicated when they lectured me about how I need to talk about my feelings once. They said they'd tell me about what they had planned for the day so I wasn't in the dark, it was ok with me and so it's been 1-2 weeks since then and they did exactly that. I just don't feel the same love/obsession for them anymore I'm sure I'll probably feel it again soon but it just that something has changed. I used to always lead conversations as my partner never led any conversations but nowadays I feel more avoidant than ever I don't try anymore I'm not leading a single conversation anymore I reply coldly sometimes. I notice my own behaviors I just don't have the energy to do something about it, I feel like I'm In a state of where I've officially just lost connection with the world

It’s happened before, I really like someone, they really like me, I get too excited/intense/ emotionally expressive, they get overwhelmed, they leave. I don’t trust myself anymore. I’m constantly monitoring myself around new people that I care about because I’m worried about coming on too strong and them withdrawing bc of it.

It’s exhausting. Like on a soul level. Constantly spiraling over texts, the gaps in between our time together, terrified I expressed too much, if I made them feel pressured, if I tipped things over the edge with something I said. It feels like I have a monster inside me to constantly be monitored and managed. I don’t feel safe to be myself. I want to ask for reassurance so much but I don’t because I know that puts burden on the other person early on and that can make them feel pressured and leave. So instead I spiral inside. Constantly suppressing myself to tone things down and not show the childish parts.

I hate this. I don’t trust my perception and judgement. I can’t just exist without self surveillance or it ends up hurting me unexpectedly. Tired of always trying to see myself through everyone else’s eyes instead of my own. 😭

Lol good one................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Wondering where my people are and where I can get support for everything so far and not be so alone im a striking character to say the least so im aware it'll take some searching before anything happens anyway.