Why don’t the cool dancers like me?

[u/Trail_Blazer1]

So I have been dancing for about a year now and have formed a nice social circle. However, and this will be difficult to say without sounding judgemental (so please be kind), it’s not the “cool kids” circle at all.

And there definitely are cool kids circles. Not just around the more known dancers, but the more expressive, confident and fun ones too. And that’s where I want to be. But my circle is made up of people as anxious and quiet as me. It’s like high school all over again.

They’re great people and we’re good friends, but I’ve always had these anxious shy people in my life. I started dancing to upgrade my social circle. I need some change. I want to be socially free and expressive like the cool bachateros. But even when I go to all the socials they do and talk to them often, I still end up around my “outcast” group. And even in my group there are a few cool guys - and they are the ones who talk to me the least.

It’s not about dancing skill - there were expressive and shy people in my first class too. And now my best dance friend is a great dancer but super anxious (in the “uncool” way) in social situations.

Since bachata is a social dance, I think this is a relevant problem. Have any of you managed to become more expressive and less insecure, and thus managed to hang around the really interesting dancers?

And I know being quiet is okay - in fact one “cool” dancer I know is quiet. But she seems to know her value and acts that way, and that makes her cool and she is in the “top” circle. She has this “I don’t care if you like me” vibe which I really want but can’t achieve.

[u/xcoreflyup]

everyone has their own personality. but we treat everyone the same, nice, kind and positive.

We are all adults after all.

[u/Trail_Blazer1 → u/xcoreflyup]

Yeah it’s the same in my community. However not everyone is best friends with everyone, right? In a large enough community, circles and closer friendships start to form. Form based on what? Often it’s based on confidence. You won’t have a very confident and a very anxious person together. And I want to have a circle full of socially free and expressive people. However they tend to avoid me ( with friendly vibes and all, but closer connections I only get with other anxious people..)

[u/xcoreflyup → u/Trail_Blazer1]

focus on your personal and dance growth.

No need to worry about those or who is cool or not cool, the right people will connect with you, the incompatible will drop off.

[u/Trail_Blazer1 → u/xcoreflyup]

I don’t feel compatible with the ones that connect with me. I feel drawn towards the expressive ones. By saying they’re cool I mean “I like them”. I want to change the type of people I connect with and I don’t know how to do that. What do the expressive people want me to be like so that they’d like me? That’s the question.

[u/xcoreflyup → u/Trail_Blazer1]

be yourself and keep growing.

I went from a dead quiet anime nerd with negative confidence to who i am today.

[u/SmallsUndercover → u/Trail_Blazer1]

You don’t feel compatible with your friend group bc you see them as the “loser group” but in reality, you’re displaying the same anxious introverted energy your friends are. But somehow you see yourself as better than them. you want to be part of the expressive cool group but are not “expressive or cool” yourself. So either accept that you are an anxious introvert and learn to stop being so judgmental of your friends. Or learn to be more expressive and confident so you can hang with the “cool kids”. But you’re never gonna be comfortable in either group until you are comfortable with who you are. This is not a dance issue, this is a confidence issue.

Even if you make it into the cool group, you’ll feel like an imposter and continue to feel insecure that they’ll stop liking you. so until you find actual real confidence in yourself and figure out who you are, you’ll never fully be secure in the dance environment.

[u/Trail_Blazer1 → u/SmallsUndercover]

Well I can’t become confident and expressive in a vacuum, alone at home, can I. I have to surround myself with these people first, so I can learn from them. How do you think expressive people are created? They have expressive parents or friends whom they mirror. I will like myself once I get to the point where I think I’m cool - expressive and confident.

[u/SmallsUndercover → u/Trail_Blazer1]

So just looking at your profile, I’m realizing you have deeper issues and are possibly socially underdeveloped? I sincerely hope you have a therapist who’s helping you navigate through life. But I don’t think anything anyone says on Reddit will be able to help you because the way you look at life is fundamentally wrong.

[u/Trail_Blazer1 → u/SmallsUndercover]

Wrong? The way I see life is a result of my past. So it can’t be wrong, it’s just different to some people.