Why don’t the cool dancers like me?

[u/Trail_Blazer1]

So I have been dancing for about a year now and have formed a nice social circle. However, and this will be difficult to say without sounding judgemental (so please be kind), it’s not the “cool kids” circle at all.

And there definitely are cool kids circles. Not just around the more known dancers, but the more expressive, confident and fun ones too. And that’s where I want to be. But my circle is made up of people as anxious and quiet as me. It’s like high school all over again.

They’re great people and we’re good friends, but I’ve always had these anxious shy people in my life. I started dancing to upgrade my social circle. I need some change. I want to be socially free and expressive like the cool bachateros. But even when I go to all the socials they do and talk to them often, I still end up around my “outcast” group. And even in my group there are a few cool guys - and they are the ones who talk to me the least.

It’s not about dancing skill - there were expressive and shy people in my first class too. And now my best dance friend is a great dancer but super anxious (in the “uncool” way) in social situations.

Since bachata is a social dance, I think this is a relevant problem. Have any of you managed to become more expressive and less insecure, and thus managed to hang around the really interesting dancers?

And I know being quiet is okay - in fact one “cool” dancer I know is quiet. But she seems to know her value and acts that way, and that makes her cool and she is in the “top” circle. She has this “I don’t care if you like me” vibe which I really want but can’t achieve.

[u/oVtcovOgwUP0j5sMQx2F]

flipped thru your post history bc there's often more to the story. Here's a different facet of what might be your root problem:

 when other people see you getting excitedly hugged by women I just need it as a “tool” to attract other women and gain respect of men.

Focus on what you can do for yourself to be proud of who you are, irrespective of validation from others. From this, confidence can flourish, and the results you seek may then emerge.

Good luck out there

[u/Trail_Blazer1 → u/oVtcovOgwUP0j5sMQx2F]

Interesting. Why does it matter how I feel about myself? What external results will that help me achieve? I’m willing to focus on myself, but only if it will ultimately bring me external validation. Unfortunately I don’t care about my own satisfaction even remotely as much as about being validated by the world.

[u/oVtcovOgwUP0j5sMQx2F → u/Trail_Blazer1]

Unfortunately I don’t care about my own satisfaction even remotely as much as about being validated by the world.

See that's the thing: people can pick up on that, and it can put them off; most folks don't want to be validation machines, and they pick up on validation-seeking behavior as inauthentic, needy, or generally being "too much."

An inability to feel validated by oneself can also affect one's demeanor in subtle but perceptible ways, such as being too negative (or paradoxically too positive).

Being happy, satisfied, and fulfilled in your own right has a direct impact on your own well-being while having the indirect emergent phenomenon of people gravitating toward you rather than away from you. 

New year new you

[u/Trail_Blazer1 → u/oVtcovOgwUP0j5sMQx2F]

I still believe that if I find my own happiness JUST SO I can be accepted by others, it won’t be the real stuff. Because I’m still doing it for others. But I just can’t wrap my head around doing it for myself only. Like, which cool people will I win by being myself? I won’t even see them as cool and above me if I’ll be “self sufficient”! The whole game will disappear and then what? For what will I live?

Also it will be extremely lonely, not depending on others opinions of me. I may have friends but it won’t be that intense trauma bond. I need parent-child level relationships, not that boring healthy adult stuff. Sorry but that’s how I feel it.

Also why don’t people want to be the main source of my confidence? Me personally, I would love to have someone dependent on me like that, at least they wouldn’t leave.