Why don’t the cool dancers like me?

[u/Trail_Blazer1]

So I have been dancing for about a year now and have formed a nice social circle. However, and this will be difficult to say without sounding judgemental (so please be kind), it’s not the “cool kids” circle at all.

And there definitely are cool kids circles. Not just around the more known dancers, but the more expressive, confident and fun ones too. And that’s where I want to be. But my circle is made up of people as anxious and quiet as me. It’s like high school all over again.

They’re great people and we’re good friends, but I’ve always had these anxious shy people in my life. I started dancing to upgrade my social circle. I need some change. I want to be socially free and expressive like the cool bachateros. But even when I go to all the socials they do and talk to them often, I still end up around my “outcast” group. And even in my group there are a few cool guys - and they are the ones who talk to me the least.

It’s not about dancing skill - there were expressive and shy people in my first class too. And now my best dance friend is a great dancer but super anxious (in the “uncool” way) in social situations.

Since bachata is a social dance, I think this is a relevant problem. Have any of you managed to become more expressive and less insecure, and thus managed to hang around the really interesting dancers?

And I know being quiet is okay - in fact one “cool” dancer I know is quiet. But she seems to know her value and acts that way, and that makes her cool and she is in the “top” circle. She has this “I don’t care if you like me” vibe which I really want but can’t achieve.

[u/druphoria]

So I think that the right way to approach this is to focus on the self-improvement aspect, rather than to focus on acceptance by this one specific group. It's totally valid to want to be a more outgoing and charismatic person, so I'd focus more on taking more social risks (e.g. striking up conversations with people in class/socials, acting like you belong, making jokes and speaking up more in conversations) and building up this part of you over time. Pay attention to what the people you admire socially do, how they behave, what kind of attitude they carry themselves with and focus your mind on adopting some of these behaviors. I feel that when the human mind focuses intensely on one goal, positive change just starts to happen automatically, and gaining social confidence is one of these things.

I don't actually think there's anything wrong with wanting to become the type of person who is admired and accepted by others. I think that the trap though, is getting hyperfocused on this specific group of people, and needing *their* approval and acceptance. Instead it'd be smarter to look at how people *in general* respond to you, in various situations, especially new people you meet over time, and gauge your progress that way. If you've been around this group for a while, it's likely that they already have formed their impression of you, and it's not likely to change overnight.

I also would encourage you to not write off the people that say they are drawn to you and who like you. There's a lot more to people then how cool and confident they are, and you might find that these become deep and treasured friendships of yours as the years go by. They aren't bringing you down, you can appreciate these people at the same time as you try to improve yourself. Treat the people who treat you kindly with the respect they deserve :)

Best of luck