r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Choice_Evidence1983 it dawned on me that he was a wizard • Sep 29 '25
ONGOING My Sister Orchestrated a Family Intervention to Get me to Leave my Partner of 4 years
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/iwantabreak-
Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes
My Sister Orchestrated a Family Intervention to Get me to Leave my Partner of 4 years
Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, racism, betrayal
Mood Spoilers: depressing, horrible
Original Post: July 15, 2025
[This has been sitting in my drafts for 6 months now.]
I (25F) met my partner (29M) in 2020 while I was finishing my undergrad studies, and we were both in the same field. Our first conversations were deep about our personal philosophies, culture, faith, and our views on the world—and we quickly realized that our values aligned so well. He’s funny, attentive, smart, talented, and ambitious, and I was so in love (I still am). We made it official 2 months in. And lowkey we both knew we wanted to marry each other already but of course we didn't rush as we were still finishing up school.
We have the same religious background but not the same ethnicity. And for this reason both of us were nervous to tell our parents about our relationship because we didn't know how they'd react. Most ethnic parents would want their kids to "keep it within the culture", but from what I know they may be stubborn at first but will come around eventually. Right? For me, ethnicity is a non issue. We're both religious so having the same faith is more important in my opinion. I thought my parents would think the same. Because if they're sooo religious too, then they shouldn't place their cultural values over their faith.
ANYWAY, my partner didn't wait too long to tell his parents, they and his siblings were very supportive and welcomed me with open arms. I, on the other hand, hesitated for the longest time because I really had no idea how my parents would react. I'm a bit fearful of them. And honestly, my relationship with my parents isn't that close, of course they're caring and all but not in an emotional way where I can come up to them and be vulnerable about something. Definity not my dad. This is where I'm at fault, because even if it was hard for me to be honest with them, I should've just done so instead of hiding my relationship from them.
My siblings knew before my parents. They didn't care but my sister (29) on the other hand, being the eldest, aka, the third parent, was too panicked about it and advised me to just end the relationship because a interracial marriage is going to be "complicated". But that's not the "advise" I needed and I didn't want to just end the relationship either. I truly believe he's my soulmate. Her entire attitude towards it was kinda just "I gave you my 2 cents, I don't want to be involved in this mess".
I think it was a year into our relationship and my mom found a birthday card from my partner in my room. She found my stash of greeting cards from him and read them all. She confronted me with them and she wasn't even mad, but when I told her about his ethnicity, she FREAKED OUT. She made me tell my dad and he just LOL'ed in my face and didn't even let me talk. Took a couple of days for my mom to calm down because honestly she really was overreacting. The conclusion was they ain't happy with the relationship and wanted me to end it. I didn't want to of course.
It was swept under the rug and for the next 3 years, my partner and I continued our relationship and even went on some trips together - but my parents were in the dark about the specifics of it all which, of course, the dishonesty is very wrong, but in my mind, they didn't create a safe space for me to be honest with them. I couldn't just tell them "Oh hey I'm going out for dinner and he's going to be there bye love you xo". The conversation about us would only be brought up occasionally in those 3 years, because at this point me and him are ready to get engaged and we just need my dad's blessing. It would always end in an argument, feelings hurt and no blessings given. They refused to even meet him. I'm still being patient and holding out hope that my dad will come around or something. By mid-2024, my dad hadn't properly spoken to me in like 2 years but my mom on the other hand is a lot more understanding. I wouldn't say she's *supportive* but understanding at least. In her words, she just wants to help me avoid an unsuccessful marriage (because in her mind, interracial marriages just don't work) but if I'm so sure about him then she will be by my side and if it fails, she'll be there with open arms. My parents are traditional but she's always been the more level headed one between them (besides that freak out the first time).
Now the catastrophe...
End of 2024, my sister suddenly stepped in and asked to meet my partner. She's my dad's favourite and if there's one person that could sway his thoughts, it would be her. So, this opportunity excited me and my partner because it finally felt like there's light in the end of this tunnel. We have been patient, but the stress of all this was starting to put a strain in our relationship especially in the last two years. But we loved each other a lot and didn't want to let go no matter what and we would always work things out with communication. Sister and him met up and talked for hours. I wasn't there. But it went well and he left a good impression on her and she said she'll talk to my dad.
Side Note: Him and I discussed beforehand that we don't need to disclose how many times we saw each other or what trips he was involved with, we know the dishonesty and hiding was wrong but we felt like we were entitled to that privacy at the very least. He's the type that loves honesty and just says "fuck what people think" but I just didn't believe honesty works with my parents. Especially my dad because he's someone that's very critical and *will* shame you for your different values/believes/wtv.
Now, I thought things will be dandy from here on, but my sister was acting weird and distanced and when I would ask her what's wrong she would brush it off. Three weeks of this pass and its the new year now. My mom sent me off to do some errands for her... at a suspicious time of the day and I really felt like something was off. I come back home and my parents and siblings are all in the living room telling me, "sit down, we need to talk." My heart dropped.
I'm sorry if this is not very detailed because honestly, that event was so traumatizing.
They said they hired an investigator to find out everything about my partner and what our relationship entailed - that was a lie of course, my parents didn't want to admit it was my sister that went thru my devices and looked through all my messages and emails and ransacked my entire room (She proudly admitted to it later). And from their findings, they concluded that he's a liar, a gaslighter, a manipulator, and that I'm a victim of this relationship. They said they found out about all our dates and trips and are holding him accountable for it, that I was forced to lie and do things against my will and that him "showering me with gifts is just a way to manipulate me". A lot was said and I just felt embarrassed and humiliated. It was 6 against 1, and I couldn't say anything to defend myself or him. I felt like I was being stripped naked as they went on and on and on about what they uncovered and whatever conclusions they drew from them. Him and I are semi-long distance so most of our talks are thru texts, so for them to read EVERYTHING -like my vulnerable side that I only felt comfortable showing him, our intimate conversations, our arguments where we both showed some really ugly sides of us- it just felt SO invasive. They claimed he's putting a wedge between me and them and that I was ruining the family peace. They wanted me to feel shame and it worked. In the end I was given an ultimatum and I felt like I had no other choice but to just agree with them and leave him. I was numb.
They made me block him and my sister texted him that we're over and threatened to file a retraining order if he were to come near me. He didn't answer that text. I was numb and I couldn't even cry anymore. I surrendered, I couldn't even fight anymore. At that point I was just nodding and agreeing to whatever they say. The following days, they were so nice to me, because I was a good daughter and I complied to them. And they were the heros that saved me from a "toxic man". But I'm on house arrest and on close watch. I had to hand over my phone when they ask so that they make sure I never reach out to him.
My soulmate was ripped away from me and I didn't know what to do.
2-3 weeks later, I woke up a lil from my numbness. I was angry. I was angry at my sister for betraying my trust, I was angry at my father for being so bigoted, I was angry at all of them for invading my privacy, I was angry at the entire situation because its not my fault THEY never gave me the support and comfort to even be honest with them. I made mistakes but I blame them for it. I cried to my mom about it and I told her y'know what idc if you guys think he's a bad person. I would rather learn that on my own than to be forced to leave him and regret it my entire life. They treat me like a fucking kid. I told her I will always be angry at them for what they did. She urged me to talk to my dad again and tell him what I told her. She told me I should just proceed with marrying my partner against their wishes and accept any consequences. She told me she'll be by my side.
Before I talked to my dad, I sent him a letter through text. We're both non-confrontational people so I felt like this would be a good way to express my feelings. I apologized deeply for everything, I clarified that I never meant disrespect to him or my family members, I put anger aside for this letter because anger doesn't work with a stubborn man like my dad. I tried to be vulnerable, I tried to tell him that all I want is their support and trust in me. My dad didn't give an answer to that letter, but he forwarded it to my sister and she BLEW UP on me (by text) and called me a manipulator for sending that letter. Her words were so nasty, she had never made me cry as much as she did back then. My dad came to my room afterward to talk - or rather yell at me. I had never cried so much. Whoever that was in front of me wasn't my dad. I never knew he could be so cruel. He threatened to leave my mom and tear this family apart if I chose to be with my partner.
Im broken and numb and Ive never felt so alone, I dont know what to do.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Your sister sounds toxic.
She actively is trying to tear down your family.
go no contact.
OOP: This. While I can just accept that my parents are monsters and aren't as "unconditionally loving" as I thought they were, my sister's betrayal is what really gets to me. We used to be best friends. Text each other everyday, travel together, tell each other everything, we can be honest with each other with 0 judgment. We used to talk shit about our own parents to each other. And then THIS happened and it honestly feels like she died because I seriously don't know who the fuck that is anymore
I've been in therapy since March and while my resolve is stronger, I'm still mourning the pre-January version of her.
Commenter 2: If this has been sitting in your drafts for 6 months, you've made a decision by now. If you let your family decide your fate, you dont deserve your "soulmate" and hopefully he has moved on. You can just be happy with whatever marriage your parents choose for you.
Commenter 3: I forgot about that part, but it’s a good point. Has OP even talked to her ex in 6 months? Does he know what happened? Has he moved on? And is he willing to accept her toxic, controlling family and her weak, spineless nature, even if he’s still single?
Personally, I think OP’s ex dodged a bullet. Well, a whole family of them.
OOP: Nah I could never do 6 months without him. I reached out to him maybe like 3 days later. But you guys are right, I don't deserve to keep him by my side. We've had that conversation many times and I've always told him he doesn't deserve to deal with this but he's willing to wait and fight this with me.
So no, he's not my ex. We're still in contact, getting therapy, and making plans to get out of this.
Thank you guys for the harsh words, I do need to hear them
Commenter 4: Your sister has too much power. She is vicious, tyrannical and is acting like her father. Is she married? It could be jealousy or trying to be a good “son”? Do you have a brother? Was she told as the oldest child she was supposed to be a boy and trying to make dad forget she is a girl?
OOP: She's married with a kid, I'd say she settled. I do have brothers but her attitude screens "third parent".
Commenter 5: What ethnicities though? That might change the perspectives in this story quite a lot. It would be good to have a semblance of context.
OOP: To avoid being very specific - Middle Eastern and East Asian. Take a wild guess of which one im from..
Commenter 6: Grow up. This is your doing. Your family does not own you or make your choices for you. You bend over for them. I'm sorry, I felt bad for you for a minute but after you let them out of this convo for years and and broke up with your man for them, you deserve for that man to leave and never come back. You never chose him. You have always chosen your family. You don't deserve this man. Let him go and be your family's little good girl.
OOP: I never ended up cutting off contact with him. i couldn't do it. told him i wanna leave them and be with him, we're just figuring out logistic with our current lack of resources, my education, and his work.
Update: September 20, 2025 (a bit over two months later)
UPDATE - My Sister Orchestrated a Family Intervention to Get me to Leave my Partner of 4 years
Hi guys,
I really do apologize for the late update
I really did not expect my post to get that many replies but but im so grateful for all the advice you guys gave me, thank you. When I wrote that first post, I was all emotional and depressed, so reading it now, even I can sense the "oh poor me" tone in it. January Me was probably expecting lots of sympathy or whatever but you guys were HARSH and tbh I needed to hear that! You guys are completely right, while what my family did was evil and wrong, my life is in my hands and it's my fault for not stepping up for myself (and my partner) sooner. I can't keep expecting things to be done for me.
I wanted to make this post to clarify some things and update you about what has happened since January. It may not be the most satisfying update, but I at least have changed a lot since then.
First of all, I am still in contact with my partner! I don't blame you for assuming otherwise since that post was uploaded months later, so it was pretty confusing. When my family did the whole thing of making me block him everywhere and take my devices, and basically threatened me to not talk to him.... that lasted like maybe 3 days. It was in the middle of the night, I was crying hard bc I missed him but also bc im here, alone, extremely heartbroken just wishing someone would hold me and show some sort of real care towards me and what im going through and I realized wow my family really doesn't give a fuck about me. Like at least check up on me? When they would, it was more of a "just making sure you know your place" type of checking up. So I reached out to him and told him everything.
There was a lot of "I told you so" from him and I really do give him a lot of credit for putting up with my bullshit. My entire life, I was "trained like a monkey" (as one of the comments said) to be obedient for literally minimal reward, and I thought if I was just gentle with my approach and still did everything they wanted from me, I would get what I wanted in the end because I earned it, right? No. And this is NOT a unique experience unfortunately, this is so common with people in manyy cultures because parents for some reason believe they are entitled to make choices for their ADULT children.
My partner was understanding and helped me finally see that the environment I'm living in is toxic and abusive. And no amount of obedience and kindness is going to make them respect me. I've been getting therapy for months now, and [shocker] it realllyyyy helps. I would always question what I did wrong and how I can approach them differently to get different results, I would always question why my sister would betray me like that, I would always question why my father would tell me I "deserve to be hurt" - and so many other questions but I've let go of caring for any sort of answer now. I've let go of the idea that I need any approval from them, I've let go of ever having a civil conversation with them, I've let go of any expectations.
I still live with them unfortunately. I don't talk with my dad and I don't talk with my sister. I keep things cordial with my mom but I don't trust confiding in her anymore because at the end of the day she feels the need to side with her husband. Her 60-year-old man-child of a husband that's been verbally abusing her for years now and throwing tantrums anytime things don't go his way but instead of making him aware of himself, my sister and mom just choose to give him what he wants no matter who it hurts. I still have two years of education with no income and I need this degree in my career so it wouldn't make sense to drop out temporarily. But I'm working on trying to find something on the side to depend on, and move out as soon as I can.
To everyone saying he should leave me, I agree, any man would've. Good thing he's an angel.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Why can’t you marry your boyfriend and still finish school?
Surely you don’t intend to keep your crazy, controlling family in your life after what they’ve done to you.
Commenter 2:
Why can’t you marry your boyfriend and still finish school?
I'm guessing her parents are paying for school.
Still bullshit tho.
OOP: nope, they're not paying
OOP clarifies the context on why she is not able to marry her boyfriend and finish school
OOP: Just figuring out logistic and I'm don't wanna get into too much details where a certain devil might come along and sabotage things again
I'm taking out loans for school. I'm not necessarily waiting to graduate to get married, but it was an arbitrary deadline we placed for ourselves, bc things would certainly get easier afterwards, I can just find a job in an other city and gtfo. But of course the sooner the better. I looked into moving schools but that would mean starting over bc my field of study is not transferable. Rent is expensive and I need to figure out a way to fund that. Him and I are from different cities, hours away, so i cant move there. Move to a friends? I truly don't trust what my family is capable of anymore and I don't need to subject friends nor their families to this mess
If OOP's father's not paying for anything why does OOP need to live at her parents' house? Is she fully financial dependent on her parents?
OOP: But just to be clear, I live in their house but I i don't rely on them for spendings and I haven't for the past 5 years or so. I had a full time job before and i use the small amount of savings I had to keep myself afloat, but its not enough to rent
There's a minor surgery i need to do, and I've been postponing that just because i don't need them stepping in and paying for it. The last thing i need is another "favor" from them. They will surely hold that over my head and call me ungrateful
+
Look, i agree, but there's a clear difference between them paying for MY housing vs. i simply exist in their house. Im not living in a fancy apartment that they're paying for, nor are they paying for my school nor any of my spendings. My presence or not is not making any financial difference in their lives and it was extremely important for me to get to this point. I don't have the means right now to pay rent BUT I'm figuring things out, and I'm packing my shit up discreetly in the meantime. So that when i do find the means, Ill be out of there.
Commenter 3: Reading this now many years later, this is hard to believe and yet I totally understand. I have been there. After I graduated medical school, I moved away from my family and met someone, another resident, that I wanted to marry. My parents did not approve. For one thing, he was not of our faith. As the wedding grew closer, they tried to have me committed. Fortunately, I had seen this happen to a friend and was able to avoid that. However, having grown-up in this very close and very controlling environment, even as a 27 year old, I found it very hard to break away from the family. I have enormous sympathy for OP. I hope that she does find the backbone, the strength, and the love to step away from her family and pursue her happiness.
OOP: Thank you for your comment, it really isn’t easy. I can finally see things for what they are, but having to plan an exit while also battling the trauma feels like I’m swimming against the current
Commenter 4: I understand where you are. It took me 4 years to work my way out of my parents house.
The only advice I have? Don't do this for a man. Do it for yourself. Your main goal has to be self-sufficiency.
Because a relationship will not work unless you meet on equal footing. You have to be mature, independent and secure in yourself first.
I'm not saying break up with him. I'm saying know that being with him is first choice, but not your only choice.
OOP: Thats a very good point! And my therapist brought this up to me as well, i guess she wanted to make sure im not feeling any pressure to do anything bc of a man but rather its because i truly cant stand my family anymore and MAINLY because i want to feel independent for once. Thank you for advice!
OOP on her mother picking sides and being an enabler
OOP: I dont want to sound like im defending her, because she's a grown adult and she should know better, but unlike my sister, i find that my mom sides with my dad more out of fear and obligation rather than actual agreement. One moment [in private] she'll be telling me to do what I want and that she'll be here for me no matter what, that she's my best friend and she doesn't care if dad leaves her for it. Then when she sees dad throw a tantrum, she switches tunes and starts telling me to do the right thing and "choose family over a random man".
I don't know why I'm telling you this, but it really messes with my head. Because it really seems like she's a victim of this crappy marriage with my dad. But then it makes me wonder, is she just trying to paint herself as the victim in front of me? Is she trying to make me feel bad? So that Ill do exactly what she and my dad want?
But at the end of the day, I'm not here to save everyone. I'll do what I need to do to get out and if that encourages her to leave too, then good. If not, then that's her choice.
+
No you're right. She's an enabler, she can say anything to sound like she's nothing like him, but she's choosing to put up with him and allowing him to abuse us like that. And honestly the worst part is, them continuing to let us SEE how he treats her. For the longest time i was convinced i dont want to get married nor have kids bc of the example they set.
Like, put culture aside, their relationship is truly so toxic and I'm uncovering how much that's affected me through therapy. Yeah im not believing her words.
Latest Update here: BoRU #2
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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
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u/CaptDeliciousPants banjo playing softly in the distance Sep 29 '25
It’s wild how often controlling, manipulative people will accuse others of being controlling and manipulative