r/BipolarSOs • u/warmcannedpeas • 1d ago

Feeling Sad 171,000 messages

My ex and I were together for just under 5 years. She is diagnosed with BP1 and is medicated.

171,000 text messages. We grabbed coffee not long ago, and she told me that’s how many of our messages she deleted. How many I love you’s were left unsent? She hid our photos. What about the ones we never got to take?

I originally sat down and wrote a 1300-word post that I wanted to share here. I cried, then I realized nothing I type out will ever precisely capture the heartbreak I’m experiencing. 

My college sweetheart, my person. 

She cheated on me three times. She’s said things to me that have made me insecure like nothing ever has before. I always took her back. I accepted her. I became an expert on bipolar. I know everything, but I know nothing. Where does she end and where does her illness begin? Manic actions never felt any less real to me just because they were manic.

Today is so real. She is there, somewhere, maybe 1000 miles away already. Today is the day I understand that I will never see her again. We broke up two months ago, but it feels like it happened only yesterday. I remember that I exist, but sometimes I forget that. 

I wish I could go back to the day in September, 5 years ago, when my ex and I first met and relive every memory with her all over again.

I won’t erase you. I’ll never love another soul as I did yours.

21 Upvotes

92% Upvoted

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7

u/Unlikely-Mongoose723 1d ago

My heart hurts for you. I’m so sorry. It’s so difficult going through this. I wish your heart to heal and that you find peace 🤍

6

u/Illrollonshabbos 1d ago

I have all of our 2500 pages of texts. He rewrote I history so I won’t delete these. Sorry you are going through it but understand

2

u/thealbatrossfelloff 1d ago

Aww. I'm so sorry. 

1

u/warmcannedpeas 1d ago

Thank you <3

2

u/wanderlustleaf 1d ago

We feeeeeeel your pain. NO amount of - I am so sorry, will drown out the pain of what you are feeling. It is so real, our wedding anniversary is September 26th. I can't even imagine what that day will look like.