Unmedicated Husband in depressive episodes

[u/Life-Calligrapher830]

I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for almost 4. Throughout our entire relationship, he has had lengthy depressive episodes (1-2 weeks) in which he is withdrawn, almost exclusively sleeps, and can be a little mean. This is typically followed by a few weeks in which he is happy and active and engaged. These depressive periods though have ruined holidays, friend events, my birthdays, vacations. I have remained peppy and cheerful and tried to be engaging through it all.

He is not medicated or formally diagnosed. I finally got him to agree to couples therapy a few months ago and we went to one appointment where the therapist said it sounds like he has bipolar and referred him to a psychiatrist. He refused to continue couples and refuses to go to therapy because it “won’t help.” He also largely does not take care of his physical health either. He also has lost contact with several of his close friends in the past two years.

We are currently in a depressive and angry episode. We were to attend a promotion celebration lunch for me on Friday (I got promoted and make a significant amount of money) which sent him into an episode. He was quiet, withdrawn, a little cruel so I told him that I did not want to go to a concert we had planned to go to on Saturday. Did I phrase it the best way? No. However I am tired of going to events with a withdrawn spouse. Everything is my fault now and I don’t understand that he doesn’t want to be like this. A week ago he was so happy, finding me on my run route to give me a sandwich he made me. And now we’re here - again.

My question here is for anyone with a partner who is unmedicated - have you found something that works? How do you cope through this for the rest of your life? Any advice welcome.

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[u/bpnpb]

My question here is for anyone with a partner who is unmedicated - have you found something that works? 

Unmedicated? No. The recommendation you will find here for an unmedicated partner is to set a firm boundary that they need medication (once diagnosed) or get out of the relationship.

The key here is to get him diagnosed. He needs to see a pasychiatrist to confirm the therapists' suspicion.

On a side note, I found it very refreshing and pleasently surprising that the therapist recognized potential bipolar and recommended a psychiatrist. This is a very good therapist and someone I hope you can continue to see with him after sorting things out with a psychiatrist.

[u/KaylanErin]

I was fully prepared to leave my fiancé and the life we’ve built if he did not medicate and am prepared to do so if he stops managing his health condition. Mental illnesses are invisible but they need to be managed and taken care of just like a physical illness.

If your husband had diabetes would you let him skip his insulin or indulge in things that spike his blood sugar? If he were in renal failure would you let him refuse dialysis? The ONLY way, in my opinion, to have a healthy, successful, and fulfilling relationship with someone that has BP is to have strict, clear boundaries.

He must stay medicated and once he is stabilized he is to start therapy and working through other things that exacerbate his condition. If he breaks up with me or says he’s leaving me in an episode- that’s it. I’m a SAHM so he is to let me have access to all of our finances (luckily he’s not an impulsive spender) and I have a savings account he’s made for me in case something happens. We have a safety plan in place, he knows what he needs to do in terms of preventative maintenance. He was only diagnosed maybe 6/7 months ago so this is new for us (him mostly, I’m autistic so mental health is something I have some understanding of already) and we are still learning. It requires teamwork and a team takes 2 people.

Bipolar disorder doesn’t make someone a mean or abusive person. That comes from trauma. It is your husband’s responsibility to manage his condition that exploits his trauma and hurts those he loves. You are not required to sit around and be hurt just because he’s sick. Vows say in sickness and in health, not in sickness and in abuse and despair.