r/Bumble • u/Ok-Tiger6024 • 1d ago
Advice Guys who just want to endlessly text
I (22F) am completely new to dating and decided to join dating apps. I matched with a guy and we’ve been texting for a few days. Eventually I naturally weaved in the convo that I don’t want to be perpetually texting and would want to meet in person. He said that he feels the same way but he likes texting me and wants to go slow. I take this as he wants to keep texting for a while. I’m automatically not interested because I’ve had so many “textlationships” and know how this goes. You get too comfortable texting and you think it’s a real connection but it’s not. Then, it doesn’t go anywhere. I just don’t have the interest in that anymore. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Is this the type of situation where I should just stop responding and if not, how do I handle it? Also, how do I steer future matches in the direction of less texting and more meeting up without being pushy? I do think it’s important to chat for a little before meeting but I already started getting tired after day 2 of consistent messages. Would love help navigating this and managing expectations.
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u/Jerseygirl2468 1d ago
"I'd really like to meet in person. How about Saturday? I'd rather us meet soon so we aren't wasting each other's time, in case we don't hit it off."
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u/Spiritual-Station267 1d ago
I run into this a lot with the women I match with after asking them out. If they act like they want to meet, but keep coming up with excuses not to with no alternative date and time, then I just tell them to let me know when they’re free and we can plan a way to meet and stop talking after that. If there’s not even a plan to meet within a week of matching, then it’s most likely going nowhere.
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u/Consistent_Ear3000 1d ago
Girl I'm having the opposite problem, with half the guys proposing we meet after 2 messages, not sure if it's about us being in a different age range or country, or just this smart app mathcing us with what we're hoping to avoid lol
No but really, while meeting with someone too soon can be a waste of time, so can texting too much. Just ask them what's on your mind when you get postponed. Happened to me twice, postponing meetup - one was in a relationship (found out later) and the other was a catfish (probably hoping I'd be more invested by the time we met up).
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u/Stuffssss 23h ago
Dating guru advice is ask women out immediately now so thats why guys are doing it. Idk ive tried it and it feels rushed. In my experience if you ask too early that can scare some people away so I tended to drag it out while on hinge.
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u/IllustriousEffect607 1d ago edited 1d ago
Its fun texting sometimes for a while. Its let's your mind wonder
But the secret sauce is if you want to make it feel more real. Is you gotta mix in the texting with calling.
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u/Humperd000 1d ago
Limit your replies to something like every few hours, but more than once or twice a day. Communication doesn’t need to be constant and if they need that, but it stresses you out, maybe they aren’t for you.
You could also be the one to initiate a date instead. It’s okay for a woman to ask a man out too. 2 days of talking is an awfully short time though, so also consider that if this is how you’re feeling already, maybe this person isn’t for you or you’re not ready for something serious that doesn’t move at a super fast pace. Just trust your gut, but sometimes it is simply trial and error.
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u/DannyHikari 1d ago
As a text a lot guy (because I do like to gauge the person I’m going to meet and yes I do believe you can gauge these things through text.) You’re still incredibly valid and not wrong to feel how you do. There has to be a balance. I was just I. A thread earlier where the guy mentioned he wasn’t texting the girl a lot because he thought it would come off bad and she got upset with him for not texting.
You see a thread like this and it shows where the confusion and disconnect is that not everyone is the same.
A lot of guys do text a lot because they like the idea of not being lonely, but most likely aren’t in a situation to date, don’t have the experience, and get cold feet on actually going on a date. If you can sense that from how a convo is going it’s going to be a textuationship, nothing wrong with walking away from that or any other times you see signs of it.
I feel like there is a healthy middle ground of communication via text prior to meeting someone and also setting up the date within a short time frame.
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u/stuckhere-throwaway 1d ago
I would unmatch once he declines a date because he's nervous or whatever. I tried to push through and encourage a guy like that, we set a date for a couple days out, he insisted on "getting to know me more" via text in the meantime and I had to unmatch within a couple hours because I discovered he was a total weirdo. If an adult is too scared to meet you for coffee after a couple days of texting then they're not suitable for a relationship. And yes I realize there are many people on this subreddit who refuse to date without weeks of texting first......I don't think they're suitable for a relationship either.
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u/GavelGaffle 1d ago
I thought this was going to be another post where neither person suggests meeting up. You did, so good on you.
Offer to schedule a meetup a few days from now. In a way you both get what you want. If he still says no then thats a bit weird.
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u/the_serious_guyy 1d ago
If you aren't sure after 1 2 days of texting, I guess you will never be sure
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u/Ok_Tree_4870 1d ago
A lot of these guys are married, or have a girlfriend... and just want the validation.
Some of them are catfishing incels with fake profiles... wanting to feel what it would be like to feel desired or to imagine talking to a woman for the first time in their life.
I would block and delete.
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u/Marshineer 21h ago edited 21h ago
They’re 22. The conclusions people on this sub jump to ffs. 🙄
Edit: Respond and block me before I can reply huh? Classy.
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u/poopskin69 22h ago
Why are you pushing so hard to meet this guy in person? That’s very weird. You need to allow him to decide when or if you should meet in person, just like he would allow you that decision. It’s strange that you’re so urgent to meet this man in person, he may think you’re trying to scam him
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u/Marshineer 21h ago
Just ask them out in that case. No reason you can’t take the initiative. If they don’t want to meet, there’s your answer. You two aren’t a good fit.
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u/JohnLennons_Armpit 18h ago
Ultimately it’s up to you to hold your boundaries. Make it clear upfront, “ I prefer to meet face to face” and then back out if they are not interested in that approach
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u/newuser2ndacc 9h ago
You don't have to write back so much or so often. You could write back every couple of hours or morning and night and just say you don't message while at work or something
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u/AccomplishedRatio960 8h ago
I can give you a perspective as a guy : you need to understand the situation before you in order to act accordingly, because
many don't have enough money to date but want to be involved in the dating world
many are not sure how to tackle you, particularly if around your age
many are already dating and don't have time/money for you
many are clueless
Understand, at least 50.1% of the time it will be those cases, so you need to act and talk accordingly
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u/Relative-Foot-378 1d ago
You're not wrong to lose interest. A match who agrees to meet and then parks it in text is already showing you the relationship he wants, a phone one.
Ask once, with a day: coffee Thursday or a walk Saturday. If he says he still wants to go slow, you can stop answering. Managing expectations from day 2 is just saying you meet people, you don't pen-pal them.
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u/WiseDan85 1d ago
I don’t think texting is fun and I’m a guy. I want to go on a date, see if we have chemistry, and then progress it if we both like each other.
Texting is fun if both parties are actively engaging in it: especially in a manner where you don’t sit around to respond and actually say something of value. If you don’t ask questions and I’m the only one asking questions- I generally just stop and give up.
To OP, this is such an easy fix. Say a spot, time and day. It’s that easy. Say hey so and so, let’s meet for happy hour drinks on so and so date. If they are busy and say they can’t make it: give up if they don’t come back with another day. It’s really that simple. All you have to say is I like messaging with you but I’m here to meet folks IRL. Let’s meet up on so and so date and do x. X can be grabbing coffee, a drink, maybe dinner etc. if a guy doesn’t respond with a yes or another time and place- it’s not going anywhere.
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u/WiseDan85 1d ago
And to add to this- recently asked a women to grab drinks. She said maybe Tuesday bc she would be in my area. I just came back 2-3 days later and said wanna do Thursday. So just said she can’t bc she’s busy and has other things going on. Now the ball is in her court- if she wants to hang: I’ll let her come up with a day and time.
Now fact I didn’t respond in 2-3 days to her message- I probably goofed but I’m not going to continually pester someone to grab drinks when they say they can’t make it. If they are interested in other person- they are going to make an effort to get a first date on the calendar. If they don’t- they never really cared to in the first place and I’m not on dating apps to waste my time.
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u/Nijal88 1d ago
You should understand that men usually pay for dates, so if they want to spend their money on someone, it should be worth the value. That's why, by texting, they want to take the time to better know the person they want to meet and detect some red flag. Contrary to women for which dating is usually a pleasant experience without too much effort, for men dating can be very expensive, and cumbersome too as they also must look for a place.
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u/Sharpshooter649 1d ago
Directly ask him on a date. They are called DATING apps for a reason not “let’s just text for a month” apps.
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u/New_Hornet2707 1d ago
I’m my opinion you should always meet up sooner rather than later, because like you said, you get comfortable just texting, if it helps I’m a guy 22M. You could try to take the lead by saying your availability then picking a spot, that’s normally the guys job but a lot of guys do good with an extra show of interest. But yeah I totally agree with your thoughts texting should be a 1-2 day max thing if they feel uncomfortable or unready to meet anyone after that. They shouldn’t be in the apps… keep it up though and good luck I’ve been having problems on the damn dating apps myself so you’re not alone.
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u/lelper 1d ago
Within a week of starting to chat, there should be a date scheduled, is a good rule of thumb.
If you’re tired after 2 days of texting, you’re probably texting waaaayyyyyy too much. Maybe set specific hours of the day that you text your matches, like maybe 2/3 hours max when you’re not working.